Scrubs s06e01 Episode Script

Welcome home, Perry.
Here's the new program.
You occasionally lift a finger, helping with Jack.
And I'm gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that's made my ass so big, I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee 800 times a day.
Okay.
You love spaghetti.
You had some just last night, didn't you? - No, I didn't.
- Jordan, the boy is lying to me.
Oh, Perry, nobody likes a tattletale.
Nobody does, Perry.
All right, champ, just in case you get hungry later on (LAUGHING) Yo, Elliot, what's your ringtone? Jesus Take the Wheel, by Carrie Underwood.
I'm carrying under-wood right now.
See, that's funny because it's true.
Please.
But that's all you get for the rest of the year, Todd.
I'm downloading *NS YNC's Bye, Bye, Bye.
When that bad boy starts a-jumpin', I defy anyone not to shake their butt to it.
I'm bringing it back.
Just like you brought back Pop Rocks? Teddy boy! (POP ROCKS CRACKLING) Yeah, well, you're not as big a trendsetter as you think you are.
Right, Keith? (POP ROCKS CRACKLING) J.
D.
: As for me, I spent my free time getting co-workers I just met pregnant.
You're pregnant? Are you sure? I'm pretty sure.
Kim, I'm not really sure how to phrase this, so I'm just gonna dive right in.
Have there been other penises? It's yours, J.
D.
- Cool.
- Are you okay? (SCREAMING) Yeah.
I don't think I've ever seen the inside of your apartment before.
Said the father of my unborn child.
(CHUCKLES) That was a joke.
Oh, come on.
No laugh from a guy who when he orders a coffee says, "Thanks a latte"? Well, that's different, Kim.
That's hilarious.
This is life-changing.
We're gonna get through this.
You know what else is pretty classic? When the coffee guy asks for money, you say, "Sorry, my wallet's in my other pair of mocha-chinos.
" That always gets 'em.
(PAGER BEEPING) Oh, damn it.
I have to go to the hospital.
Scone is also a funny word, but I don't like them.
I prefer croissants.
You're clearly freaking out, so, you need to promise me that you're gonna find somebody to talk to about this while I'm gone.
Please, I'll be fine.
You be careful, you're walking for two.
Call, Turk.
You were right, Turk.
- Hell, yeah.
- All right, all right! Now listen! This is a hospital, not a discotheque.
Turn that damn thing off! Come on, buddy, please pick up.
This is pretty catchy.
(ALL GROANING) No problem, I'll just go chill at my deck with a little vino.
Unfortunately, it was still a hangout spot for gay seniors.
All right, that's enough! I have seen Les Mis over a dozen times, so I have nothing against giant queens, per se, all right? In fact, my life would be a whole lot easier if I was married to one of you guys.
Excuse me.
You heard him, girls.
Let's roll.
(ALL WHOOPING) (ERE IT GOES AGAIN PLAYING) (SCREAMING) (CHEERING) Hold up, hold up, hold up! Las Vegas Police Department.
Hello! Why didn't you answer your phone when I called you? I was dancing.
Wait, let me hear it.
There it is.
Well, look, I'm in surgery all morning, but we can meet for lunch, talk this through then, okay? Hello? J.
D.
, this is a really bad connection.
Ted, please! (POP ROCKS CRACKLING) Ted! Okay, I'll see you at lunch.
Hey, Mojambo, this here's our new flagpole.
Why don't you show Old Glory a little respect and snap off a salute? There's no flag up there.
We're at war, my friend.
All American flags are on back-order.
What do you want me to do in the meantime, run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof, catch a parrot somehow, slap on an eye-patch, go to work with a caulk gun, seal her up, make her water-tight.
I could take her out to sea.
- Are you insane? - No, I'm a pirate.
Whatever.
I'm not saluting a pole.
And so it begins, again.
My life is over.
Oh, come on, you've gotta focus on the positives.
For instance, the medical miracle that is one woman actually impregnating another woman, SHEDAISY! Coincidentally, I have a cousin named Shedaisy.
What? J.
D.
Needs us right now, okay.
So, this is what we're gonna do.
Dr.
Cox, you're backing off.
Elliot, you go talk to him.
Can't wait to talk to J.
D.
Maybe we can chat about how everyone in this frickin' hospital, other than me, is having a baby.
I mean, seriously.
Having a baby, having a baby, having a second baby.
Oh, having her husband's best friend's baby.
That's right, Mona, everyone knows! What are you looking at, Dr.
Beardface? You want a kid? 'Cause, I swear to God, I will mount you right now! It's Beardfâce, damn it! (WHISTLING) Gather around, doomed new interns who just paged me.
Quick question.
What does this outfit tell you? You are entering a Joe Piscopo look-alike contest? It means that I was just working out, which, incidentally, is the last remaining activity I have in my adult life that qualifies as "me time.
" Other activities recently crossed off of that list include my morning dump and all showers.
You see, my dear son Jack has decided that those are team sports.
However, I'm here and I'm totally psyched to hear whatever the superty-duper reason is that you paged me.
Mr.
Wyatt's chart said to remove his eight stitches, but we counted nine.
- Should we leave one? - That's it.
Every single one of you is gonna run laps around the hallways till I say stop.
(ALL CHUCKLING) Think I'm kidding? (COX YELLING) Perry, what the hell? I just got a call from Jack's school.
Apparently, they served spaghetti for lunch, so he had some sort of Vietnam flashback.
We're having a second baby.
You need to deal with your anger issues.
I don't have any anger issues.
Dr.
Cox, I'm sorry, but my asthma is really starting to (WHEEZING) Get out of here! Seriously.
What are you working on, young man? New ways to torture that guy.
See? Mrs.
Zeebee, I know that we were hoping that the pain around your areola was simple mastitis, but it turns out that it's breast cancer.
(SIGHING) I can't believe this is happening to me.
Trust me, I know what you're going through.
Just yesterday, I found out that my girlfriend Excuse us.
Dude, please tell me you're not comparing getting cancer - to knocking up your girlfriend.
- I was trying to.
You can't pawn your personal stuff off on your patients.
What about you and the motorcycle accident guy? So get this.
My pregnant wife has decided that it's okay to steal my pillow in the middle of the night and sleep with it in between her legs.
When am I going into surgery? Oh, we can't start the surgery until the troopers find your foot.
That was different.
He said, "What's up?" Hardly seems like much of a punishment for the kid from Kenya.
I mean, God's sake, he can run all day.
You know, maybe Jordan's right.
Maybe it's time you start dealing with your anger issues.
Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem.
And, honestly, aside from having to, by law, remain 30 feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don't see the downside.
Mr.
Slydell here is suffering from peptic ulcer disease and hypertension, two conditions you often see in very angry people.
Well, now, you don't know that this gentleman is angry.
Damn it! Why won't this TV go on? That was the bed remote.
Ted, I got the cola.
- Did you get the Pop Rocks? - No, the vending machine was out, so I went to the generic store and got some Fizzy Pebbles.
- You sure we should do this? - I'm sick of legends and hearsay, Keith.
I have to know! No scuffing.
No scuffing! Okay, what if I get a sex change operation and I trick him into marrying me? But if it doesn't work, you'll just be an older, fairly ugly janitor-woman.
That's true.
You know, you and I are quite a bit alike.
I spent most of my life trying to become a lawyer, but I could never get my Juris Doctorate.
How's that make us alike? I spent years trying to get that damn J.
D.
(LOUD POPPING) (WHOOPING) I'm alive! Hey! That'll be fun to clean up.
You know what's so messed up about this whole baby thing? I mean, I feel like I'm drowning and it hasn't even fazed Kim.
(SOBBING) Okay, let's, close her up.
- Dr.
Briggs, why are you crying? - This song always gets me.
My brother was killed by a Funky Cold Medina.
I'm sorry J.
D.
, but you knew that this could happen when you had sex.
I have to tell you guys something, but you have to promise not to laugh, okay? - Oh, no.
Absolutely.
- I'll try.
Sure.
Okay, on the night of said conception, Kim and I nuded up and, the dirty talk began and I got a little over-excited.
(EXCLAIMING) She like the dirty talk? No, I do.
I find it gets the ladies going, but I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I do some of my different voices and He does.
Anyhoo, there was some unexpected friendly fire.
And, even though I never got a chance to enter the village, there was a air strike on one of the outlying regions.
(LAUGHING) Thank you.
Anyway, I spoke to the gals up in OBG and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
What you're trying to tell us is that you never actually had sex with her? No, I didn't have a condom.
(ALL SNIGGERING) And we decided not to have sex because, here's the kicker, I didn't want to get her pregnant.
Oh, no, you didn't.
(ALL LAUGHING) J.
D.
: As I thought about how Mrs.
Zeebee and I had gotten such a raw deal, I realized how easy it was for doctors to see themselves in their patients.
Whether it's in the choices they made in their life My anger not only cost me my health, it also cost me my job, my marriage.
It cost me damn near everything.
You're killing me.
or the choices they didn't make.
I was so obsessed with getting my J.
D.
That I never did the things I really wanted to do.
- Start a family, see the world - Punch a whale.
No, I punched a whale, right in the face.
Down he went, like Liston.
Either way, it forces you to face your problems head-on.
There you are.
You ready to grab some lunch so that we can talk? Or not.
You know what, Kim, I don't think I can handle this right now.
Oh, okay, yeah.
That's great.
Heads up.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Have you seen J.
D.
? I have not.
Any idea where he is? Teaching CPR to underprivileged youth at Lincoln Middle School on 18th Street.
J.
D.
: I can't believe he got that.
We are so ready for that charades tournament on Saturday.
Come on, Turk, where is he? You know, Kim, I'm sorry, but I really have no idea.
Traitor! (YELLING) ALL: Upside-down, the lily-padded go-cart Space-wasters, why haven't any of you placed a pulmonary artery cath on this guy? Hey, let's try to use our inside voice around the interns.
We don't want to scare them.
What new kind of crazy is this? Oh, Elliot snapped a little and decided the interns were her babies.
Oops, Jakey.
Somebody's got a little smoodgie on his face.
There you go.
As long as he gets done.
Why doesn't Elliot have a freshly-ripped new one, right now? I'm not freshly ripping anybody anything anymore.
I am done with anger.
Is that going to be like the time you quit drinking? 'Cause that was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
Your sarcasm is wasted on me, you giant pregnant beast.
This is an anger-free zone.
There is no anger here.
(GROANING) Counter.
(LAUGHING) I filled it with blue Gatorade.
- I just do that to freak people out.
- Scintillating.
Say, since we're small-talking, let me ask you a question.
Do you have regrets about the way you lived your life? 'Cause I think I do.
You've never been to Paris and cleaned a French toilet, huh? (CHUCKLING) Good one.
No, that's not it.
Come on, be straight with me.
Do you think I'm wasting my life? Let's cut to the chase, freak show.
If you're a 44-year-old man wearing a jumpsuit and you are not climbing into the cockpit of a rocket ship, chances are you've made a lot of wrong turns along the way.
Good talk.
Dude, what the hell am I supposed to tell Kim when she asks why I drove off like that? Tell her you hate white chicks, and then when she says, "No, you don't," you say, "I mean White Chicks, the movie.
"Not a fan of those Wayans brothers.
" Then she'll laugh and forget why she was mad at you.
You're right, that'll work.
But still, you need to man up and talk to her.
You have no idea what I'm going through.
Really? Because the last time I checked, I was having a kid, too.
Yeah, that you planned, with your wife, whose middle name you know.
It's Juanita, Turk! Carla's middle name is Juanita! I knew it was something Puerto Rican! What if Kim and I don't end up together? Okay, I already have enough trouble meeting girls.
Can you imagine it now? "Hey, how you doing? I'm J.
D.
And this little bugger right here "already hates you for not being his real mommy.
" "Wanna get freaky? I'm apparently very fertile.
" My life has changed forever.
You wanna be like everybody else and say, "Everything's gonna be just fine.
" Dude, I'm your best friend.
I'll tell you whatever you want me to.
Say, Barbie, have you seen any of the interns around? Yeah, they did so well at rounds, I'm just letting them watch a show.
Hi, interns.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Look, you pretty obviously have short-circuited because the odds of you ever actually having a baby are roughly on a par with me finding the Loch Ness monster in my bathtub! I can't hear the TV.
(STAMMERING) Hi, honey! (WHISTLING) Go on, get out of here! Come on.
You, too! Get out of here! Don't even say a word.
Mr.
Slydell's ulcer perforated and he bled out.
He's dead.
If it isn't my beautiful bride, Carla Juanita Espinosa.
Juanita? You think my middle name is Juanita? I am going to kill J.
D.
Dr.
Dorian, look, this is a bit awkward, but, as Chief of Medicine I feel obligated to ask you about your relationship with Dr.
Briggs.
Was she naughty? I bet she's a hellcat.
- Get help, sir.
- Never mind.
It's better up here.
Mrs.
Zeebee's CAT scan came back.
J.
D.
: Oh, man, this just sucks.
Mrs.
Zeebee, unfortunately the cancer isn't localized just to your breast.
We're gonna have to start chemo right away.
The most important thing to remember when you see yourself in a patient is that they're not actually you.
In fact, sometimes they're actually who we wish we had the courage to be.
You know what? I'm gonna get through this.
Just you watch.
It's not like I can change what's already happened.
The only thing to do is move forward and deal with it, right? Yeah.
Right then, I knew exactly what I had to do, come hell or high water.
(GROANING) I got your Juanita.
Juanita, huh? Well, you can Juanita this right there! - What the hell? - It's now or never.
(EXCLAIMING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Are you going to let me down any time soon? Not until you spend a little time acting like a flag.
As I acted like a flag, I sensed that the janitor learned nothing from this experience.
Dr.
Cox, on the other hand, got halfway there.
He may always be angry at work, but he had learned to control himself when it counts.
Jacky, would you like some hot dogs? I don't want hot dogs.
Oh, that's okay because we've got your favorite yogurt.
(KNOCKING) As for me, I finally came through, even if it was a little late.
- Can we talk? - That would be great.