Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s06e01 Episode Script
Chambraigne
Is your hair as dull and lifeless as your brain?
Didn't work start at 9:00?
Where's your shirt?
Did you even remember to wear it?
I know you. I used to be you, until I discovered chambraigne.
Shampoo for your hair and your brain!
That's right, al, and here's how it works.
Other shampoos just work on your hair, but chambraigne travels
down each follicle and bores into your skull, depositing
magical knowledge crystals.
Lather your way to a new intelligence.
With chambraigne, the shampoo of kings.
Made by Carl & sons.
Continued use may result in limb loss.
Finally, a product for me!
I believe every word that man just said because it's exactly
what I wanted to hear.
Ha ha ha ha! I'm already smart enough to know this is working.
This is a proud day for Carl & sons, son. We've sold
enough chambraigne to purchase this television.
Yes. Fetch daddy's hard plastic eyes so he can see the tv.
On the dresser.
You are an imbecile!
Greetings! I'm number one,
and I got this way because I use chambraigne!
"But what's chambraigne, Space Ghost? " Well, let me tell you
what chambraigne is. Chambraigne is an "intelli-hancer."
Man, you've been brainwashed!
You're right it's a brain-wash.
And it's good for your hair, too.
Bob's here.
"Is this product for everyone, Space Ghost?"
No, no, no. This product is not for everyone. Only for
those who buy, and choose to use, the product.
Bob's here.
You know what I've always wanted to do?
Have a nerf war in a huge mansion!
Bob's here.
Oh, really? Chambraigne, I'll catch you on the flipside.
Greetings, Space Ghost.
Bob, for legal reasons beyond our control, and to honor
the queen, identify yourself to me The king.
Bob costas, nbc sports.
Hello, universe.
Now, when you say Bob costas, what do you mean by that?
You know, it's It's, uh, something I haven't given
much thought to, actually.
Well, I have.
It's your name, Bob.
YeahYeah?
This shampoo is awesome!
Hey, Bob, look at me!
Yeah?
I'm burning a hole in your head with my mind.
Ha ha! What a sticky wicket!
Zorak's mind is obviously too small. He has no hair. He can't
make use of chambraigne.
It's like the domino theory of stupidity.
Isn't that obvious to everyone?
Oh, dear.
Hey, Bob, this Pete rose thing--how does that guy
not wind up in the hall?
It's a travesty.
Ok. All right.
I mean, 4,256 hits.
Nobody's touching that record.
Well, my favorite athlete as a kid growing up was Mickey
mantle. I grew up in New York Bob.
And the Yankees were the dominant Bob. Bob!
That thing over there is a villain. He knows nothing.
He's obviously trying to lure you into some sort of a sports
death trap! So now, Bob, listen to my important question.
Ok.
What's the difference between a "boont" and a "poont"?
A bunt, first of all, would happen in baseball.
Bob, hold on. We all know what a bunt is. We're talking
about the boont, the French boont. Or English. Whatever.
You know, a punt-- you clearly have
no idea what you're talking about,
you handsome, sophisticated, hyper-intelligent, svelte,
well-read, sparkling, salty,
olive-complected, full-head-of-haired man!
Well, you know you have to-- I am the king!
Don't you feel special about that?
Bob smells like a chili dog.
And his hair is huge.
Could he be using chambraigne Now with wiener scent?
There is no wiener scent, you hooded buffoon!
He's making a mockery of the product. You're making
a mockery of the product!
How much--how much hair do you have, Space Ghost?
Oh, I don't know. 9.
9 fat stalks.
Well, why, if Space Ghost, if you weren't concerned about
your own dome, why would you be so concerned and perhaps
envious of those who have a full head of hair?
Right.
Right.
Want to see my brain?
What's that?
Moltar, get out here and heat up my skull.
Now this is something, Bob, you don't ever want to do.
All right. This is gonna hurt--bad.
Right now, Moltar is heating my skull up to a scorching
450 degrees. It's like getting a scalp massage from Lucifer.
It sounds dangerous.
It sounds downright frightening.
It is. You see, my brain's sending a message to my arms
right now to put my head out, but I'm choosing to ignore that.
Uh-huh. Hello, Moltar.
Hi, Bob.
Moltar, don't talk to the guests. Things get easier
as your brain dies, Bob.
I know.
There she is, Bob.
Brains!
I'm impressed. I'm very impressed, Space Ghost.
But then, I was impressed to begin with.
You, uh, want to know why I did this, Bob?
Please.
To prove a point--a point, Bob, which escapes me right now.
I have to go stick my head in the lake.
How sad was that?
Sales will plummet, all because of this beef-witted klingon.
Oh, daddy!
Fetch daddy's blue fright wig.
I must be handsome when I unleash my rage.
It's on the dresser, next to the keys!
I've told you a million times.
And, you know, it's been pretty much oozing ever since.
What do you think of that?
It disgusts me.
Me, too, and I got to live with it.
Mm.
Moltar, flush the lake.
We don't have a lake.
Good work. Bob?
Yes, Space Ghost?
Bob.
Space Ghost.
Hello.
Hello, Space Ghost.
I have one final question for you.
As a carbon-based sex machine--
smooth-chested, no doubt.
I was just gonna say that!
That's amazing. We've been working together so long We finish
each other's sentences.
Well, you know, it's like I always say when I'm in the shower
Shower time!
That's what I always say, Bob, when I'm showering.
Now, Bob, I have one more final question for you. Do you
have the freedom to wear comfortable, open-toed shoes?
I could, yes.
Ok.
Yeah. Actually, though, it's not advisable when doing
a football game in green bay in December to wear sandals.
Bob, everyone knows green bay is not in December.
You obviously don't shampoo.
Here's my final question, Bob.
Oh, yeah? I thought that was the last question.
Who told you that?
All right. What is it?
That was it.
Did you just call me a monkey?
Huh?
Space Ghost, I didn't-- come on, big man. Come on!
I'm not a man who believes in violence, Space Ghost.
Come on, costas! Start something!
Nah.
Yeah!
Nah.
You want a piece of me?
Nah.
Space Ghost, eying zorak.
What?
Ready to deliver the knockout blow.
Come on, zorak, start something.
Come on! You want a piece of the king?!
One of his archenemies The monkey king!
In his sights.
No, not really.
What? Say that to my face.
I didn't say anything!
And he zaps him, zaps him but good.
He's gone yard on zorak.
He's taken him deep.
He's taken him over the boards.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, with your burned lips!
It's a tape-measure blast of zorak that ought to
eliminate the little creep for the foreseeable future.
I didn't do anything!
You were driving away the fans.
He was. He was asking for it.
And all superheroes, all men of honor and virtue,
only resort to violence--
I didn't ask you, Bob.
I'm sorry.
"Sorry" is a word that knows no boundaries. Now kiss my ring.
Silence!
Shut. Shut! If you had a neck and I had hands, I would squeeze
your brain, which is your body, right out the top of your head,
which does not exist.
Ehhh That's some great hair.
Thanks. It's not real.
Welcome, fans.
We are far from fans.
I am Carl. This is my son, little Carl.
We're from Carl & sons.
We are both Carls.
Shut up. Shut up!
Carl & sons?
What a coincidence! I buy my chambraigne from them.
It's shampoo for your brain.
Fool! We know what it is.
We make it!
You're the inventors of the specially
patented formula for intelligence?
It's only dishwasher liquid, you overinflated gasbag.
Uh-huh. And the knowledge crystals?
"Uh-huh and the knowledge crystals? " Aquarium gravel.
Shut!
I don't care how you do it.
I just know it's working for me.
It doesn't work. It's psychosomatic. It's a placebo.
Oh, those are big words.
Maybe I should wash my hair again.
No! Can you not comprehend that your ignorance will
cause me to explode now?
Let's stop right there.
If someone approached you about washing your hair, what would
you say to them? I'll tell you what you should say. You'd say,
"thanks, but no thanks.
I don't need large brains to have a good time."
You want to be groovy, huh?
You want to fit in?
Want to go to the big dance?
Want to be the king?
You'll be the fool.
Shampoo will play you for the fool!
Ok. Well, thank you for coming.
I'm not done. I'm serious.
These brains--they're out there.
And they're shiny, with eyes of hard plastic.
And blue hair Blue as the night!
Didn't work start at 9:00?
Where's your shirt?
Did you even remember to wear it?
I know you. I used to be you, until I discovered chambraigne.
Shampoo for your hair and your brain!
That's right, al, and here's how it works.
Other shampoos just work on your hair, but chambraigne travels
down each follicle and bores into your skull, depositing
magical knowledge crystals.
Lather your way to a new intelligence.
With chambraigne, the shampoo of kings.
Made by Carl & sons.
Continued use may result in limb loss.
Finally, a product for me!
I believe every word that man just said because it's exactly
what I wanted to hear.
Ha ha ha ha! I'm already smart enough to know this is working.
This is a proud day for Carl & sons, son. We've sold
enough chambraigne to purchase this television.
Yes. Fetch daddy's hard plastic eyes so he can see the tv.
On the dresser.
You are an imbecile!
Greetings! I'm number one,
and I got this way because I use chambraigne!
"But what's chambraigne, Space Ghost? " Well, let me tell you
what chambraigne is. Chambraigne is an "intelli-hancer."
Man, you've been brainwashed!
You're right it's a brain-wash.
And it's good for your hair, too.
Bob's here.
"Is this product for everyone, Space Ghost?"
No, no, no. This product is not for everyone. Only for
those who buy, and choose to use, the product.
Bob's here.
You know what I've always wanted to do?
Have a nerf war in a huge mansion!
Bob's here.
Oh, really? Chambraigne, I'll catch you on the flipside.
Greetings, Space Ghost.
Bob, for legal reasons beyond our control, and to honor
the queen, identify yourself to me The king.
Bob costas, nbc sports.
Hello, universe.
Now, when you say Bob costas, what do you mean by that?
You know, it's It's, uh, something I haven't given
much thought to, actually.
Well, I have.
It's your name, Bob.
YeahYeah?
This shampoo is awesome!
Hey, Bob, look at me!
Yeah?
I'm burning a hole in your head with my mind.
Ha ha! What a sticky wicket!
Zorak's mind is obviously too small. He has no hair. He can't
make use of chambraigne.
It's like the domino theory of stupidity.
Isn't that obvious to everyone?
Oh, dear.
Hey, Bob, this Pete rose thing--how does that guy
not wind up in the hall?
It's a travesty.
Ok. All right.
I mean, 4,256 hits.
Nobody's touching that record.
Well, my favorite athlete as a kid growing up was Mickey
mantle. I grew up in New York Bob.
And the Yankees were the dominant Bob. Bob!
That thing over there is a villain. He knows nothing.
He's obviously trying to lure you into some sort of a sports
death trap! So now, Bob, listen to my important question.
Ok.
What's the difference between a "boont" and a "poont"?
A bunt, first of all, would happen in baseball.
Bob, hold on. We all know what a bunt is. We're talking
about the boont, the French boont. Or English. Whatever.
You know, a punt-- you clearly have
no idea what you're talking about,
you handsome, sophisticated, hyper-intelligent, svelte,
well-read, sparkling, salty,
olive-complected, full-head-of-haired man!
Well, you know you have to-- I am the king!
Don't you feel special about that?
Bob smells like a chili dog.
And his hair is huge.
Could he be using chambraigne Now with wiener scent?
There is no wiener scent, you hooded buffoon!
He's making a mockery of the product. You're making
a mockery of the product!
How much--how much hair do you have, Space Ghost?
Oh, I don't know. 9.
9 fat stalks.
Well, why, if Space Ghost, if you weren't concerned about
your own dome, why would you be so concerned and perhaps
envious of those who have a full head of hair?
Right.
Right.
Want to see my brain?
What's that?
Moltar, get out here and heat up my skull.
Now this is something, Bob, you don't ever want to do.
All right. This is gonna hurt--bad.
Right now, Moltar is heating my skull up to a scorching
450 degrees. It's like getting a scalp massage from Lucifer.
It sounds dangerous.
It sounds downright frightening.
It is. You see, my brain's sending a message to my arms
right now to put my head out, but I'm choosing to ignore that.
Uh-huh. Hello, Moltar.
Hi, Bob.
Moltar, don't talk to the guests. Things get easier
as your brain dies, Bob.
I know.
There she is, Bob.
Brains!
I'm impressed. I'm very impressed, Space Ghost.
But then, I was impressed to begin with.
You, uh, want to know why I did this, Bob?
Please.
To prove a point--a point, Bob, which escapes me right now.
I have to go stick my head in the lake.
How sad was that?
Sales will plummet, all because of this beef-witted klingon.
Oh, daddy!
Fetch daddy's blue fright wig.
I must be handsome when I unleash my rage.
It's on the dresser, next to the keys!
I've told you a million times.
And, you know, it's been pretty much oozing ever since.
What do you think of that?
It disgusts me.
Me, too, and I got to live with it.
Mm.
Moltar, flush the lake.
We don't have a lake.
Good work. Bob?
Yes, Space Ghost?
Bob.
Space Ghost.
Hello.
Hello, Space Ghost.
I have one final question for you.
As a carbon-based sex machine--
smooth-chested, no doubt.
I was just gonna say that!
That's amazing. We've been working together so long We finish
each other's sentences.
Well, you know, it's like I always say when I'm in the shower
Shower time!
That's what I always say, Bob, when I'm showering.
Now, Bob, I have one more final question for you. Do you
have the freedom to wear comfortable, open-toed shoes?
I could, yes.
Ok.
Yeah. Actually, though, it's not advisable when doing
a football game in green bay in December to wear sandals.
Bob, everyone knows green bay is not in December.
You obviously don't shampoo.
Here's my final question, Bob.
Oh, yeah? I thought that was the last question.
Who told you that?
All right. What is it?
That was it.
Did you just call me a monkey?
Huh?
Space Ghost, I didn't-- come on, big man. Come on!
I'm not a man who believes in violence, Space Ghost.
Come on, costas! Start something!
Nah.
Yeah!
Nah.
You want a piece of me?
Nah.
Space Ghost, eying zorak.
What?
Ready to deliver the knockout blow.
Come on, zorak, start something.
Come on! You want a piece of the king?!
One of his archenemies The monkey king!
In his sights.
No, not really.
What? Say that to my face.
I didn't say anything!
And he zaps him, zaps him but good.
He's gone yard on zorak.
He's taken him deep.
He's taken him over the boards.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, with your burned lips!
It's a tape-measure blast of zorak that ought to
eliminate the little creep for the foreseeable future.
I didn't do anything!
You were driving away the fans.
He was. He was asking for it.
And all superheroes, all men of honor and virtue,
only resort to violence--
I didn't ask you, Bob.
I'm sorry.
"Sorry" is a word that knows no boundaries. Now kiss my ring.
Silence!
Shut. Shut! If you had a neck and I had hands, I would squeeze
your brain, which is your body, right out the top of your head,
which does not exist.
Ehhh That's some great hair.
Thanks. It's not real.
Welcome, fans.
We are far from fans.
I am Carl. This is my son, little Carl.
We're from Carl & sons.
We are both Carls.
Shut up. Shut up!
Carl & sons?
What a coincidence! I buy my chambraigne from them.
It's shampoo for your brain.
Fool! We know what it is.
We make it!
You're the inventors of the specially
patented formula for intelligence?
It's only dishwasher liquid, you overinflated gasbag.
Uh-huh. And the knowledge crystals?
"Uh-huh and the knowledge crystals? " Aquarium gravel.
Shut!
I don't care how you do it.
I just know it's working for me.
It doesn't work. It's psychosomatic. It's a placebo.
Oh, those are big words.
Maybe I should wash my hair again.
No! Can you not comprehend that your ignorance will
cause me to explode now?
Let's stop right there.
If someone approached you about washing your hair, what would
you say to them? I'll tell you what you should say. You'd say,
"thanks, but no thanks.
I don't need large brains to have a good time."
You want to be groovy, huh?
You want to fit in?
Want to go to the big dance?
Want to be the king?
You'll be the fool.
Shampoo will play you for the fool!
Ok. Well, thank you for coming.
I'm not done. I'm serious.
These brains--they're out there.
And they're shiny, with eyes of hard plastic.
And blue hair Blue as the night!