Stella (2012) s06e01 Episode Script

I thought you'd gone for good.
You can't get rid of me that easily.
I don't regret it.
I don't regret any of it.
Do you? Rob? Rob? Rob? ECHOING: Rob? Stella? Stella, you're dreaming.
Oh.
I was, erm Oh, my God.
What time is it? She needs a feed.
It's OK.
We've both already have breakfast, haven't we, Hols? Your mummy was very fast asleep.
A bit like you.
- Was it Rob again? - What? In your dream.
Eh Yeah.
Sorry.
What are you saying sorry for? My conference call is in five minutes.
- Are you kicking us out? - I'm afraid it's the only room available.
That's all right.
We know when we're not wanted, don't we, Hol? He's bound to be on your mind, you know, with it being a year.
11 months.
- I better wake Ben.
- No need.
He's already up and packing.
Oh.
A bit ahead of himself, isn't he? - Ben? - Down by here.
- Morning.
- Looking very casual, Bob, for a funeral parlour.
Day off.
Oh, bloody hell, Stella, I'm a bag of nerves.
I've got my big a date tonight, haven't I? The Game Of Thrones fellow? - Leslie, is it? - Wesley, yeah.
I've been swotting up on my characters.
I've not even finished series one yet.
Oh.
Ben, you're not leaving for a week.
Yeah, well, I want to be organised, don't I? Oh, look at him.
He can't get away from here quick enough.
Have you got a spare cheese grater? No.
What are you doing with my wok? - You're not having that.
It's a Ken Hom.
- Oh, Mam, don't be so tight.
I'm a struggling student.
Well, you'll just have to struggle without no stir-fried beef.
It was a wedding present, this, from your Uncle Dai.
Wow.
He splashed out.
- Oh, God, Ben.
- Oh, don't start.
You've cried every day since I've had my results.
- I'm only going Cardiff.
- I know, but you're my baby.
No, she is.
Oh, you know what I mean.
Come here.
I'm so going to miss you, Ben Morris.
Yeah, I'll miss you too, as it goes.
And I'm a bit surprised by that 'cause you're such a flipping nag.
So, can I have the wok to remember you by? - No.
- Oh, Mam.
Oh, what now? Your poor maltreated grandmother, God rest her Babycham-dependent soul.
She's not dead, Auntie Bren.
They mislaid her false teeth at the home.
Last seen inside the lying smile of Betty Jean Prothero.
- Gross.
- Yeah, they had to tell her - it was bedtime just to get her to take them out.
- Who, Betty? - Yes, of course Betty.
- Oh, bless her.
She was probably a bit confused, that's all.
Hey, Ben, do you want a hot water bottle? Only I've got a spare.
- So I'm going up this morning - What's a hot water bottle? to see if we can sow a label on them or something.
The false teeth? Honestly, as if we haven't got enough to contend with, - her turning 100 next month.
- That is well old.
- She's gettin' a telegram from the Queen.
- Oh, wicked! If she makes it, 'cause the way things are going I mean, Eddard Stark, what a name.
- He's cool.
- Belonging to Gary Stark, works up the Londis? Well, according to this, he is Lord of Winterfell - and Warden of the North.
- Pfft! Oh, heck, tonight is going to be a wash-out.
So are you planning to visit your ailing grandmother any time soon or have she just been cast aside like a Costa cappuccino cup? Oh, hush your nonsense.
I took Holly up there last Tuesday, she was right as rain.
And she's really annoyed with you.
Oh, what? Because of the shoehorn? Well, now, that's not fair because I told her I was taking it.
- What's a shoehorn.
- Stella? What? What? Good God, what's up with him.
- He looks like he's seen a goat.
- Michael, what's the matter? I've just been speaking with Al Komadi.
Who the Dickens is Alan Macardie? Oh, shh.
It's his boss, mun.
Go on.
He wants me to go and work for him out in Dubai for six months.
He wants us both to go.
It's a free accommodation, Stell, in a really plush apartment.
Free childcare for Holly.
You can be a lady of leisure while I'm at the office.
Yeah, but I don't know if I want to be a lady of leisure.
I want to be in nurse, and I know it's lovely, but the timing is rubbish.
More than just lovely, Stell, it's six months.
And what about Jackson? You'd be happy not seeing him for months, - would you? And Katie.
- Of course not.
They can come and visit.
Katie, she can bring her little brother, she'd love that.
Michael, I have worked so hard to get where I am.
I don't want to just throw it all the way for a six-month jolly in some plush Abu Dhabi apartment.
- It's Dubai.
- Oh, Dubai.
Just think about it before you decide.
Please? I'll talk to Cheryl.
See if I can get some sort of sabbatical.
But I'm not promising nothing.
- Hello, Auntie Brenda.
- Morning.
Morning, Auntie Brenda.
Morning.
- Mam? - Shh.
Christ sake, Bren.
You'll put me off my shot.
Oh, dammit to hell! Sorry, kid, I'm just a bit tetchy today, that's all.
Percy Simmons cleaned me out on the blackjacks last night.
And he's been grinning all morning like a what's the name, what you call? Now, what is it you want? 'Cause I can't lend you a penny.
Are you daft, my mam? I just wanted to chat, is all.
What the hell for? I'm coming over tomorrow for my tea.
- I know.
- And for God's sake - And I got a nice bit of Soreen with jam in, in special.
- Don't give me your bloody Soreen.
- Uh.
- When is your brother coming to see me? Ken? He's in Tenerife, mun.
So? I'm worth a two-hour flight from Santa Cruz, aren't I? - It's not that, it's just - Oh.
I see.
He can't be arsed.
- Well, that's nice, isn't it? - Look, never mind Ken, I got something important to say.
Christ, you're not pregnant? I've given this a lot of thought and I won't take no for an answer.
Cheryl, the lodger, is moving out, which means I've got a spare room.
So, I've decided that you are to come and live with me.
No, let me finish, I never felt right about you being in a home, Mam, you should be with you family, surrounded by people who love you, not living with strangers who steal you teeth.
You'll have your own room, and Stella's only across the road, and I can look after you properly.
- No, sorry, Brenda, I couldn't.
- I know you think I'm making a big sacrifice.
What's a vibrant, active and busy career woman like Auntie Brenda want with an elderly mother hanging around her neck, dragging the very life-force out of her soul on a daily basis? But it's not like that.
It'd be an honour to have you live with me.
Get you out of this sad and lonely place.
LAUGHTER No.
When I said I couldn't, I mean I couldn't think of nothing worse.
Olwen, you're up.
I appreciate the thought and that but I'm happy where I am.
Stella Morris.
- It's Jackson, actually.
I got married.
- Hey, I haven't got time for names and names, and what have you.
The patient in bed nine needs his BP doing sharpish.
Cheryl, I was wondering if I could have a word? I know you're going to say no, and that's fine, but I said I'd asked so - Get on with it, Stella Jackson.
- Right, OK, well, Michael's been offered a job in Dubai for six months and he wants me to go with him.
Obviously, that's totally out of the question Yes.
As I thought.
At least I asked.
Yes.
You can go.
I'll sort the necessary paperwork.
Oh.
Right.
That's great.
Right, the special today is fish pie and the soup is roast tomato.
I've got no beef casserole until George, The Butcher, do do his delivery and we're totally out of profiteroles.
Thank you, Alan.
Little Alan.
- Bobs.
- Oh, cheers, Yant.
Oh, Jag, will you test me? I mean, I've just got to get a sense of the world, that's all.
Otherwise what in the name of Anneka Rice am I going to talk about on - this damned date? - Right, OK.
Let's see.
What is the nickname of Tyrion Lannister? - Ah, The Imp.
- Bull's-eye.
Now, how many kingdoms are there in Westeros? Six.
No, seven, seven.
I'm afraid I'll have to take your first answer.
- Oh.
- Them's the rules, Boss.
OK, who is the exiled Princess of the Targaryen dynasty? Daenerys Targaryen, also known as Stormborn.
I'll have a snakebite and black, Yant, go easy on the bite.
How is your mother, Auntie Bren? I rue the day that women gave birth to me.
Heck, is she playing up? I'm telling you, there is no pleasing her.
Sharp as a pen.
I'm there now, offering to take her in, to put her up, to give her a home, and she did turn me down.
Oh, it can be easy, mind, being 99.
That as may be, but I've decided, I'm having nothing more to do with her.
Good God.
Greetings.
I am Kalan.
Keeper of the Shroud.
SHE GASPS Also known as Wesley Jenkins from Brynamman.
Hiya, Bobs.
Oh, this is getting on my fins.
- You're two hours early.
- I know.
I couldn't wait.
Plus I've managed to cadge a lift off my pal.
He's got a van.
So, come, my friend, for the hour, it is upon us.
We're parked just by the Londis.
- Right.
- Oh.
Oh.
Oh, book.
Moustache.
- Why didn't you let me give you a lift? - Oh, it's all right.
I could do with the exercise, to be honest.
- I'm still trying to shift all this baby weight.
- Hello, gorgeous.
- So did you ask her? - Who? Cheryl? Did you ask her about to Dubai? Oh, bloody hell, Michael, give me a chance, love.
Cooey.
Glad I caught you.
I wanted to give this invitation to Jackson's birthday party.
It's over at my Nanna Pat's this Saturday.
- First I've heard of it.
- Oh, right.
- Nice.
- We're going to have fireworks, a clown and everything.
Yeah, soz, Mike.
I meant to mention it this morning - like, when you rang.
- OK, we've got to get the dinner on so So? What do you think? - About the party? Yeah, nice.
- No, Dubai.
Michael have told me all about it.
- Actually, Beyonce - What? Oh, my God.
It's amazing.
Said we can go out there as much as we like, didn't you, Mike? I can't wait, can you? What are you going to wear? I mean, technically speaking, I got the best of four worlds.
One, me and Karl do get on better now than when we was together.
Two, he do pay for me and Jen to go out there once a month.
And, three, I got the advantage of being a single woman.
A deeply attractive single woman.
And what was number four? Don't be pedantic, Yant.
That was nice.
Thanks.
OK.
Oh, Mam, there's basketball near my halls.
And an Astroturf for five aside.
- Nice.
- Lovely.
So, who's going to take me down next week when I move in? - Well, I will, obviously.
- I'll take you.
Oh, for God's sake, grow up.
What's the matter you? - I'll tell you what the matter is Ben.
- I'll tell you what's the matter Ben.
- Your mother is sulking because - Your stepfather have taken it upon himself for me to go to Abu Dhabi for - I happened to mention to Beyonce It's Dubai! - six months.
Dubai.
- It might be the possibility - and I haven't had five minutes - and maybe she'd like to come out with Jackson.
- to make a decision And I am not sulking.
You so are.
And I only mentioned to Beyonce it might happen, - she shouldn't have said anything to you.
- Mam, you're mad not to go.
- Dubai for six months.
That's amazing.
- Exactly.
Stay out of it, Ben.
You have no idea.
- You're so childish.
- You're so childish.
HE MOUTHS Thanks for picking me up.
I'd offer you some cash but I've only got a few dirham.
I once knew a female ventriloquist from Durham.
Norman, dirham, the money the Arabs use.
- I'll sort you in the week.
- Fair enough.
- You back then, Nadine Bevan? - Eventually.
Damn flight was delayed.
How's my boy faring up out there? I do miss my Karl, I'll let you know that for a what you call.
He's all right, is your boy Karl.
Don't worry about that.
Got himself a girlfriend.
- Fatima.
- Aye, he sent me a photo on the Instagram.
I mean, she's nice enough, I suppose, but it did get a bit embarrassing, him slathering all over her, when he's got his ex-lover sat there gawping like an egg.
Well, you've only got yourself to blame.
Running off with a Moldavian undertaker, like Ivan Slosh.
- Schloss.
- Karl Morris have moved on.
- Deal with it.
- Charming.
Come on, babes.
Oh, Rob BABY STARTS TO CRY Do you want me to see to her? No, you're all right.
- My turn.
- Oh, you speaking to me now, then? - No.
- N Good God.
What the hell are you wearing? Don't say nothing.
I'm meant to be Shagga, son of Dolph.
- Shagger.
- We had a few drinks, me and Wes, and as a treat he decided to do a makeover on me 'cause he was so impressed with my vast knowledge of Game Of Thrones.
- Said he doesn't do it for everyone.
- Thank God for that.
- Hot chocolate? - Aye, go on, then.
SHE SIGHS Oh, what's up, chick? Knackered, is it? Oh, I don't know, Bobs.
Not sleeping too well these days.
- Oh, babe.
- Me and Michael can keep rowing about this Abu Dhabi trip.
- Dubai.
- Dubai.
Well, I think you're a fool.
Bobs, I can't just up sticks and go swanning off.
I've got my career to think about.
It's my graduation in a few weeks.
You, Stella Morris, have got a pathological fear of leaving this damn town and every time the chance do come around you run a mile.
- I went to Bali.
- Yeah, for a fortnight on your honeymoon, and even then you had to phone home every night.
Oh, go on.
Live a little, Stell.
'Cause you're no spring chicken, let's be fair.
Do you have sex with him dressed like that? Moving out today, then, is it, Cher? Affirmative, Nadine Bevan.
You dropped something by there but.
Oh do Genevieve want a little go on donkey later? Oh, no thanks, Glen.
She was on the camels every day in Abu Dhabi.
So a donkey will only disappoint.
Fair dos.
Fair dos.
- Ooh.
Hi, Nads.
- Oh, Stell! - When to'd you get back? - Oh, last night.
- Had a wonderful time.
- Oh.
Me and Karl do get on better now than when we was together.
And his girlfriend is good as gold.
- Fatima.
Likes to be called Fats.
- Mmm.
But I feel it's a little near the mark, - given she's not the slimmest.
- Listen, I'd love to chat, only I've got to get this one to creche before I start my shift.
Oh, Michael, will you bring a changing bag? - I'll take her, if you like? - Huh? Yeah, go on.
Be company for me and Jen.
- She can come with us up the mother and toddler.
- Oh, no, you're all right.
Only we've got our routine now.
And she do love creche.
Suit yourself.
I was only being neighbourly.
Here she is.
International jet setter.
Am I glad to see a friendly face round here.
Chicken, I'd love to stay and chat but I've got the viewing at nine.
No worries.
Give me a shout if you need hand up the parlour.
Michael, have you got it? Hey, stop shouting.
- Hiya, Mike.
I was just wondering - Mohammed.
HE SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE Stella just needs to ask her boss about taking the time off.
- Oi, Jackson.
- Yeah.
I'll let you know as soon as she finds out.
Bye.
Your release form.
Sign it and return it to me forthwith.
- What release form? - Oh, it's nothing.
It's to do with my course, it is.
Cheryl? What release form? You can't just take your wife up the Middle East without no by your leave.
She's going to need to inform the appropriate authorities of return dates, and what have you.
What, so Stella did ask you about Dubai? And be warned, you're going to need a shedload of vaccinations.
Abu Dhabi is rife.
It's Dubai.
Great.
So you did ask her and she did say yes, you just clearly don't want to go.
Michael - Nice one, young Ben.
- Yeah.
I'm on a roll today.
Ah, the confidence of youth.
- So, University beckons.
- Yeah, can't wait.
- Did you go to university? - Only the university University of life.
Yeah, I knew you was going to say that.
- Fish pie? - That's me, thanks.
- And a cheeseburger.
- Thanks, love.
With no bun, no burger and no gherkin.
Yeah, well, my mam doesn't eat even bread, or meat, and she doesn't like the taste of fucking gherkin.
Got a problem? Well, it's essentially two slices of tomato and some cheese.
Honestly, what's the point? - I'm knocking off now in five.
- OK.
You will miss your young comrade, I imagine.
Yeah.
I feel a bit bad leaving him behind.
I mean, Pontyberry is not exactly the most buzzing place on Earth, is it? You'll be surprised what goes on behind closed doors in this here town.
Top left.
I could do with some help behind the bar, please.
- Coachload of cheerleaders just arrived.
- On my way, Captain.
Another time, Benny boy.
Oh, and, Ben, if I don't see you before you go I'll leave you with this.
It's a wise man who can tell the time and a fool who knows how to waste it.
Right.
Let's get out of this godforsaken place.
EXCITED CHATTER Come on, Bren.
Hurry up.
All right! I'm going as fast as I can.
- I would have been quicker walking.
- Don't let me stop you.
Oh, well, that's nice, isn't it? Making your wheelchair-bound ridden mother get up - and walk like Lazarus at a fun run.
- You're not wheelchair-bound.
Come for your tea, have you? Don't shout, Glen.
I've got a hangover the size of Caerphilly.
Look, that's Stella's fella.
Cooey! I said, my girl got a special visitor today, we have.
Nana Kosh, how are you? I haven't seen you for ages.
- PHONE RINGS - I'm surprised you know who I am.
Seeing as you didn't see fit to invite me to your wedding.
Well, it was a very quiet affair and several months ago now.
- Hi, Stell.
- I need to talk to you.
- Are you on your own? - Nearly.
Look, you better say hi to your gran.
Nana Kosh.
Hiya.
(SHE SCREAMS) Tell him, tell him, Bren! - He's pointing a gun at me! - No, no, it's a mobile phone.
- Look.
Stella.
- Take it away or I'll call the cops.
Hurry, kid.
Michael - That went really well.
- She's a law unto herself, is my nan.
Listen, I want to apologise for being a pain in the arse - and for lying about Cheryl.
- I wouldn't call it lying.
Just an omission of fact.
Ever the solicitor, eh? Sorry, I interrupted your grovelling apology.
It was just all going a bit fast for me, that's all.
But I've been thinking, and I have decided I'm being a dick.
Much as I hate to admit that everyone else is right and I'm wrong, it is a fantastic opportunity.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? I'm saying it looks like you and me are off up the Middle East.
Stella, that is brilliant.
- God, I love you.
- Yeah, well, I thought it might do me good to get away from Pontyberry for a bit.
Put an end to all those sleepless nights and stuff.
It will stop, you know.
These are the dreams you have, they are just part of the grieving process, I suppose.
Rob was a really important person in your life.
It's not like you're going to just forget all about him.
- I know.
- I tell you what, why don't I cook us a meal tonight to celebrate Dubai? I'll do something really special and send Ben and Bobby off so we have - the place to ourselves.
- Yeah, OK.
No, it won't be the sausage balls.
I told you, that was a mistake.
- Stella.
- Listen, I better go.
I'll see you later.
But please don't let the surprise be that you ARE doing sausage balls after all.
Hello, stranger.
- He's 14 now.
- God, he looks so much better.
When did you first meet him? - Two Christmases ago? - Yeah.
Been in remission nearly a year now.
He gave me a proper run for my money when I was on his ward.
Well, he's even more stubborn these days.
Gets into a few fights, that kind of thing.
You've got a lot to be angry about, bless him.
How long are you going to be? I'm well bored.
Stella, it wasn't a complete accident that we bumped into you today.
- I did 24 specials today and 13 burgers.
- Nice.
I've turned things around on the bar meal front.
But no-one truly appreciates what I'm trying to do.
You know, you could always move to Cardiff like me.
I know I'll be in halls, but you could get a job there and a flat nearby.
Ben, you're going to make loads of new friends at uni.
You won't want me hanging around like a cat in a bin.
- Yes, I will.
- No, you won't.
You will have new mates with names like Gecko and Jackass, who do things like base jumping and cheese rolling.
Shut up.
Wish we were still in school sometimes.
Do you? - Benny boy.
- Yeah.
Listen, Ben, you and Bobby need to make yourself scarce tonight.
- I want some private time with Stella.
- Where am I meant to go? I don't know.
Nadine's.
Youth club or something.
Cheers, mate.
BOTH: Youth club? - This is me and Jen by the pool.
- Yep.
- And that's your dad with Jen by the pool.
- Yep.
- And that's - All three of you by the pool.
Yep.
Nadine, these cupboards make Old Mother Hubbard look Mary Berry.
- You haven't even got so much as an onion.
- Yeah, well, I've had more important things on my mind since flying halfway across the world.
Phone Gerraldo's and order a pizza.
It's not my fault Michael's kicked you both out, is it? I'm not having no scabby pizza from Gerraldo's.
I'll text Little Al.
Oh, tell him to bring some of that fish pie that you do in the pub.
- It is to die for.
- Yeah, right, well, while you're waiting you can look at the rest of these.
Now, this one, this was ever so funny.
This is me and Jen having breakfast! - That's Karl - ALL: Carl and Jen having breakfast.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES - Stell? - Mike? The door was open.
We was just passing and - Oh, my God.
What are you wearing? - What? It's just something silly.
Look, what do you want? Well, I wanted to talk about Dubai, but, I'm sorry, - I just can't take you serious dressed like that.
- What about Dubai? He's wearing a dress.
You're wearing a fucking dress.
- Shut up! - Yeah, shut up! - All right.
Keep your cock on.
- Where's Jackson? BOTH: Nana Pat's.
- The thing is, I was wondering - Leave it.
When we come to visit, like, would it be OK for His Lordship to come and all? I am the kid's stepdad, so No, you're not.
You're his mother's current boyfriend.
Yeah, well, we're hoping it might get a bit more serious than that, - aren't we, babe? - Yeah.
No, no, hang on.
I'm not paying for him to come out.
I'm not even sure I'm paying for you to come out.
- What? - Well, Katie's perfectly capable.
- She can bring Jackson out.
- No way, I'm not letting my son travel halfway around the world with the sister he hardly ever sees.
That's out of order, mate.
She's his mother.
Can we discuss this another time? It's really not convenient.
Michael? - What's going on? - What it is, I just want to sort out Why are you dressed like that? Oh, my God, it was supposed to be a bloody surprise.
Just a bit of Who's this? Michael, you remember Billy? Yeah.
Well, he's come to stay with us for a few days.
Great.
- The flight's booked for the 20th.
- Yeah.
And I was thinking, you've got Bobby here, of course, looking after the house, so all good on that front.
- Exactly.
- I'm so glad you changed your mind.
Any news yet about Billy's new foster parents? No.
Not yet.
Hush.
- OK, sorry.
Just - Christ, Michael, the poor kid has been shoved from children's home to foster parent and back again.
I want him to feel welcome here, - not like some inconvenience.
- Stell, do you want a hand? No, it's fine.
So, who's your art teacher, then? Mr Jeffries we had.
Jurassic Jeff? He's about 110.
Yeah, we had him.
I made this pottery fireman in year eight, I did.
- Oh, bless.
- BOTH: His arm fell off in the kiln.
- Who, Mr Geoffrey's? - Yeah.
I made this vase thing for my foster mother.
- And then she got ill.
- Oh.
- That's rank, mate.
- Don't mind that.
- More bacon anyone? - Oh, yeah.
- Billy? - No.
I hope you two are coming to Jackson's party this afternoon.
Sorry, mate.
You're on your own with that one.
Ben! Michael needs moral support to contend with Beyonce's family.
- God help us.
- Do I have to? Yeah, come on.
It'll be fun.
- OK.
I'm going on the PlayStation.
- OK.
- Not the friendliest of kids, is he? - It's quite normal, that is.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, thank God you're cocking in.
- What's the matter? - You'll never believe what's happened.
- Oh, my God.
Is it Jackson? Is he all right? - What's happened? It's the clown.
He's cancelled.
This one is in pieces.
- What clown? - For Jackson's party.
He fucking cancelled on me.
Colin the cocking Clown.
- Honestly, do you have to? - You made it sound as though it's a disaster.
It is a disaster.
We've got 43 of my bastard family showing up to this party.
Including my brother's girl, who thinks she is the bee's bastard knees.
So if we've got no entertainment for the kids we'll never hear the end of it from her.
Jackson's one, for God's sake.
He doesn't need a clown.
- Oh, well, that is just typical of you.
- Excuse me ALL TALK AT ONCE EXCUSE ME! If you're looking for a clown, look no further.
- Why? - Don't worry.
You won't have to pay me.
I'll do it as a favour.
- Do what, Nadine? - Circus skills and clowning techniques.
I done a course.
Cock.
He's a lovely boy, is Billy.
Bit of a handful, but then who can blame him? He's been through such crap you wouldn't believe.
And this one has started teething, I reckon.
Her cheeks are red.
She's got a bit grouchy, haven't you? Oh, she's so sweet, Rob.
You'd really like her.
Actually, no.
You'd love her.
- That was unexpected.
- Hmm.
You don't really think that.
Mam! What this, Olympics come to Pontyberry, is it? I thought these two needed a bit of wind in their Saturday sails.
He's going to give me some boxing lessons and all.
- Oh, nice.
- It's not fair.
Some of us had bacon and eggs this morning.
I'm only thinking of you and that unhealthy student lifestyle you've got ahead of you.
Right, go on.
Sprint to that big statue thing and back.
- What? - Ready? Twice! Billy reminds me of me at his age.
What, troubled, sulky and defensive? Oh, yeah, I wonder where he got that from? Rob wasn't defensive, he was just BOTH: Annoyingly private.
And I still think about him 100 times a day.
Yeah.
- This is ridiculous.
- Loser.
Come on, old man.
He's a right little Mo Farah, isn't he? You know when Rob came back last year the first time? - Yeah, for Sophie's christening.
- Yeah.
Well, we, erm Mam? We talked a lot about how proud we were of you.
Really proud.
Thanks.
Right.
Let's get going.
This party starts in an hour.
Excuse me, Mama Pat? - I'm Nadine Bevan.
- Eh? - I'm the clown.
- Eh? Right, well, I'll go inside and make a start.
- Hiya, Nana Pat.
How is your leg? - Oh, bastard killing me, Auntie Bren.
- Right, then.
This you in there, then, is it? - Aye.
Is it true you were in school with her? No comment.
Got a cocking licence for that thing? I could ask you the same question.
Nana bastard Pat.
- Give me strength.
- Don't be such a snob, Michael Jackson.
They're your family now.
Well, part of it, anyway.
All right, well, you're my wife, - ergo, you're part of their family, too, now.
- Tou-bloody-ché.
Is Nana Pat actually kissing that man? As in properly kissing him? Yeah, she properly is.
Mike.
Mike.
Oh, my God.
Thanks for coming.
All right, all right.
- Who's out there? - It's Michael, Nana Pat.
- Michael Caine? - No.
- Michael Shane? - No.
It's Michael.
My ex.
Eh, Beyonce, Michael is not your bloody ex, thank you very much.
Let's not fight, not in Jackson's special day and in front of his little sister and that.
My God, she looks like Jackson, doesn't she, Mike? Do you think? One of the family.
And that is what today is all about.
And I want to welcome you into mine with open arms and legs, here, Mike.
Only joking.
I have already had a few.
Right, coming in, then? Olivia, get your Uncle Mike a can.
Now, Mike, I've been thinking about getting Jackson's ear pierced.
- No! Don't be ridiculous.
- As a birthday present.
- No! - Don't be ridiculous.
I voted leave, I did.
And me.
Brexit all the bastard way.
Exactly.
What the hell have Europe ever done for Wales? Do you want a list? All right.
Keep your cock on.
- No, he never.
- Yes, he did.
- No, he never.
- I was there! No, he cocking never.
No, he cocking never.
You're off your head.
Off your bastard head.
Oh, what's the point? All right, calm down.
Any more news from Marge, then, Glen? Aye.
She sent me a letter last week, she did.
Oh, good.
Told me to get on with my life.
Oh, dear.
There's not really - No, thanks.
- No, thank you.
- You OK? - Yeah, yeah.
Let me have him! Where's the dirty bastard got my daughter up the duff? Oh, Dad, man, shut up.
You'll scare the living shite out of him.
Mikey, this is my dad, Clive.
Michael.
Come here, my son.
- Sorry.
- Don't worry.
I've got to go change Holly.
- Clive can come and sit here.
- Stella, no, don't worry Christ, look at me.
I'm filling up.
Go and get my dad a can.
Actual real tears! Hey, hey.
I can see where my grandson gets his good looks from now.
You cheeky sod.
He's my kid and all.
You have been such a good girl today, haven't you? Yes, you have.
Getting a bit lively down there now, it is.
- Michael just stop Rhian from doing a strip.
- Oh, good God.
- Swig of a rocket fuel? - No, you're all right.
Me and Zoe are going to head off in a bit - before it all gets out of hand.
- Good idea.
Pass me them socks.
Come here.
I'll do this.
Have five minutes.
I forget you're a dab hand at all this daddy stuff.
I can change a nappy with one hand behind my back and my eyes closed.
BOTH: Whilst baking a cake.
Such a little smiler, isn't she? Proper placid, like Sophie was.
- Have you seen this? - What? I never noticed that before.
She's got the same weird thing with her toes.
See how it bends over that one.
- Yeah.
Like mine.
- Like yours.
And Rob's.
Stella! Stella, for God's sake, don't leave me down there.
- The man's a maniac.
- Where did you think you are going, Mikey boy? Come on.
We're doing the cake.
And I've got a cracking speech.
Stella! Mam Is Holly Rob's baby? I don't know.
Oh, Jesus.
Stella! Coming.
Hello, stranger.
Dad! You've arrived! Save the niceties, we've got a surprise party to plan for our mother.
What's wrong with daddy's little girl? Hmm? Oh, you are so gross.
Hang on a minute, Jag.
I've got a business proposal.
What's in there? You've got to tell him.
You know you do.