Still Open All Hours (2013) s06e01 Episode Script

There we go, sir.
How much? Worth every penny, sir.
Cured the Duke of Peebles.
I didn't know he had peebles.
Are you saying I've got peebles? No, no, no, no, please, Mr Ridley.
Peebles is not a disease, it's a place where he was the Duke of.
All I've got's a twinge in one knee.
Yes, I know.
Well, see a twinge today and the leg goes green tomorrow.
And where can you find socks to match that? The wife knits socks.
- She can do green.
- No, sorry Thing is that Stay there for a moment, don't move.
Not even the good knee.
I'll be back in two ticks of a lamb's tail.
Right, come here.
Just do as I tell you.
Come on.
Here is my assistant.
Right, show him your leg.
- My leg? - Your leg, yes.
It's one of those things that keeps your bum off the ground, isn't it? The one that went green.
And nearly fell off.
That leg.
Look at that, sir.
That is a testimony to the power of healing that's in that bottle.
That was his bad one? Bad one? We had to get him to leave it outside.
- Tell him.
- Tell him what? Well, tell him how they said that you'd never do ballet again.
And, if you took your shoe off, your leg might come with it.
I'm sorry.
I can't help it, it's just Thank you very much, sir.
You'll want a bit of change with that.
- Did you see that? - What? Well, it chucked this one back out.
Must be a dud.
Looks real to me.
Yes, and me.
Oh, well, it better find its way into somebody's change.
Here's somebody now.
Hey, that Madge.
She thinks my family's weird.
Well, they are weird.
Oh, I suppose that could explain it.
Have you got any flat kippers? You mean "fat" kippers? I mean flat kippers.
Not curled up like yesterday.
See our complaints department.
Gastric, what shape is your mouth? It's not flat, is it? So what we do is we curl the kippers to fit the shape of your mouth.
I like something that lies flat when heated.
You never met his mother, did you? You've got a hair in your nose.
You should either clip it or get it styled.
This is what you remember from that romantic encounter? - What are you going to do about Ruby? - Oh, can we start with something easier? She's in trouble.
She's been suspended at work.
By the neck? Don't be a blob.
Help me to help her.
Well, she works on construction sites with big hairy men.
A lone woman.
She's bound to get into trouble.
Oh, what happened? She floored two of them.
Not too short.
Willis, your mother said short.
I think what she meant was, "Not too short.
" Well, tell her you like longer hair.
It's your hair.
Although I realise you don't see it as often as she does.
- What? - Well, he doesn't.
I mean, it's not where he can see it without a mirror, is it? Have you tried looking at your own hair? I said to her.
I told her, "I like longer hair.
" Way to go.
Assert yourself.
- And what did she say? - She says I don't like longer hair.
Willis, why don't you get yourself a good girl and let her do your thinking for you? Mother says there aren't any good girls any more.
They'd let you grow your hair.
She says I'm better off at home.
It's safer.
Anyway, I'm not good with girls.
Have you tried? Well, how do you try? Like, how do you know which ones take learners? Hey, if you fall into the hands of a fast one, you'll learn quicker.
Willis, you're a good-looking lad.
If I was younger, I'd run you through the basics.
It's easier than you think.
If you're not careful.
Even in Cleethorpes, and I was only there one night.
How can you not believe there's such a thing as fate? I'm under a more powerful influence.
And she doesn't give me time to think about things like fate.
Well, here's your chance.
Think about it.
Now? Well, what's wrong with now? Seize the moment.
Excuse me, could you two just pop in and give us a hand? See? Fate.
What if it's heavy lifting? He sells groceries, how heavy can it be? Do you know, I'd forgotten we'd got this old mangle.
And we're so glad you remembered.
You can see why people get interested in philosophy.
It's lighter.
Put it there.
It's on me foot.
He didn't say put it on me foot.
Try to think of it as fate.
No, change of plan.
Let's have it back over here.
Personally I think we're approaching the limit of physical endurance.
People get hernias, you know? Don't worry, I can sell you a surgical belt.
Fitting will be extra.
What are you going to do with an old mangle, anyway? He'll think of something.
Is the hi-tech world ready for the return of the mangle? When the mangle makes its comeback, you will be able to say, "I was there.
" But not there, but there.
Hey, hey, come on.
I want you to talk to Ruby about her anger management.
Fine.
- But only until she hits me.
- Why would she hit you? Well, she always hits me.
She likes you, really.
Go on, do this for me.
- Hiya, Ruby.
- Bog off.
Well, catch up with her.
But you heard what the girl said.
And it wasn't, "Hello, Leroy.
" You're packing it in at the first "bog off"? For Ruby, that's practically "good morning".
Go on, jog with her.
Talk to her.
What's all this about Mr Newbold and Mrs Rossi? Oh, I don't believe it.
Mr Newbold's too shy.
Anyway, he's been off women since he met Mrs Featherstone.
What do you mean "met"? It was more like she kidnapped him.
Well, people keep telling me that Mr Newbold and Mrs Rossi were seen together in the library chatting and laughing.
Maybe they'd found a funny book.
I can never figure out whether you're dim or just playing dim.
Me neither.
Oh, she's always been like it.
You go with what you've got.
Even if you don't quite get it.
For a start, I can't believe that Mr Newbold was seen laughing.
Well, he's not done much of that since he was occupied by Mrs Featherstone.
I wonder if she knows about his interest in Mrs Rossi? Oh, no.
You'd have heard the explosion.
Anyway, what's there to know? Bit of laughing in a library? I thought you weren't supposed to laugh in libraries? I went in one once and all they said to me was, "Shush.
" You could see them waiting for every sound just so they could say, "Shush.
" Mr Newbold's in for some shush if Mrs Featherstone finds out.
I wonder if she does know? Back in a tick.
What's a tick? It's about half a tock.
I must just make this call to Mr Newbold.
He worries if I'm not there in the flesh.
Or a comforting voice in his ear.
Well, you now what they're like.
They go to pieces if you're not constantly within reach.
Not that I don't keep a strict control of where he's allowed to reach.
I'll have a coffee, Mavis.
And hold the gossip till I get back.
She doesn't know.
You need some help with your anger management.
I can manage to get angry without any help, thank you.
You can't go round thumping people at your workplace.
What, you think I should do it when they're going home? - What was it all about, anyway? - It's private.
That's where you were doing all the damage.
Well, you just have to go with what works.
This is no good.
I'm supposed to be exercising.
I'm in training.
- Do you fancy a wrestle? - No.
What can we do for you today, Mrs Featherstone? If I do marry Mr Newbold, I don't want you to feel neglected.
I shall always be there for you for recreational purposes.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, I don't do recreation, Mrs Featherstone.
It's the hours, you know.
Do remember that my husbands never last long.
How's your boiled ham? Better than your three husbands, Mrs Featherstone.
You've got a lovely little business here.
You know, I'd be such an asset on your team.
I know, I know, but of course, it's the overheads, you see.
They're killing us.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, what with that and the damp rot.
Are you finding any damp rot, Granville? Save me half a pound of ham.
I'll be back for it later.
We're getting low on muffins.
You wouldn't have said that a minute ago.
Right, stay there and watch this.
One curly kipper.
We put that there, turn the handle How's that for nice and flat? You can't do stuff like that.
It's not hygienic.
That thing could be swarming with germs.
Well, we'll wrap it in paper first.
You can't do stuff like that.
Think of our reputation.
Really? Oh, maybe not.
There must be something that this big old beast can do.
Wait a minute I've got it.
Stay there.
Don't move.
Yes.
I think I've solved the problem Where is it? Yes, here it is.
Yes Come along, my dear, this will show you why we're in business together We are going to be in business.
Right.
What we have here is one single-portion pizza.
It's never going to work.
Forget it.
Watch this.
We place the said pizza into the rollers, thusly we turn the handle, and what you are about to see is one large-size thin and crispy.
Large, thin, crispy and mangled.
As soon as Mrs Rossi walks by, you step out, you give her the look.
The look? Man meets his woman.
Tarzan meets Jane.
The eyes lock.
The heart stirs.
Sounds of bells.
Well, where the devil am I going to get a bell? Mystical bells.
Imaginary tinkles.
And you tell her, "This is the first day of our new lives.
" This is the first I can't say things like, "This is the first day of our new lives.
" Here she comes, now.
- Play it cool.
- I'm not cool.
I'm a nervous wreck.
She's looking good.
Go for it.
I really ought to be renewing the insurance cover on my toaster.
It's too late.
She's turned t'corner.
It's not too late.
He can drive round t'corner.
Oh, morning, Mrs Rossi.
And to you.
Are you missing the Italian sunshine? Mine had a cloud in it, and his mother was even worse.
- Isn't that your Kath? - Isn't that Mrs Featherstone? Isn't that absolutely typical.
Wasn't that Mr Newbold's car? I never knew he could reverse that fast at his age.
I know what you're thinking.
Why am I wasting my time with that mangle? Well, you were the one who bought it in the first place.
Why, may I ask? All right, there's no need to be snarky.
Ruby, is this really the life you want? Well, it beats washing and ironing for some bloke.
Well, what if we found you one that did his own washing? And what about mine? Is he any good with your delicates? - I mean, what's he doing here? - We're both here for you.
I don't like him poking around in my life.
Ruby, do you think you may be neglecting your feminine side? I don't see why.
I can do a short skirt.
Guy at work said I've got the kind of legs that he'd like to take somewhere for a weekend.
Is he one of those you hit? Yeah.
Twice.
This time on the move.
One One, two, three, four.
Good girl.
One, two, three, four.
Sharpen up.
I'm so sorry.
She is.
She's neglecting her feminine side.
What she needs is the influence of something gentler in her life.
Like a man.
And I know just the man.
That's Willis.
You'll never have to thump him.
- He looks like a wimp.
- He is a wimp.
Just what you need.
Someone gentle who you can love and protect.
What if he wants first date? He won't want first date.
He's too shy.
Have you not got anything smaller? With Ruby by your side, you'll never be in fear.
- Oh, they're coming over.
- Stay calm.
Willis, meet Ruby.
Not bad-looking, though.
What you drinking? I'll have a half.
You'll have a pint.
I won't be seen with any muffin who drinks halves.
Right, right, come on.
Put it there.
There.
Another Arkwright department opens.
To last about as long as that pizza.
What are you talking about? Look, they pressed my trousers.
What? It hasn't got a crease.
- You need steam for that.
- Oh, heck.
No, I've got the very thing.
Come on, out of it.
Right, okay.
Now, then.
You wanted steam? Well, we're going to give it some steam.
Right, off you go.
- It's a powerful jet, you know.
- Well, it's all right.
They're trousers.
They're empty, aren't they? They haven't got any legs inside.
Right, blast away.
We're in business.
While you wait? That's very good service.
Oh, yes.
Which you won't find elsewhere in town.
- Yes? - Where do we, er, disrobe? This way, gentlemen.
Welcome to our fitting room.
Well, we thought you'd probably have somewhere well, less exposed.
I'm not comfortable with the word "exposed".
Yeah, well, look, don't worry.
Nobody can see you below the waist.
And anyway, this is our introductory offer at unrepeatable prices.
There we are.
Right, thank you.
I won't be long.
- Hello.
- Hello.
And how are you, Mr Newbold? I'm well, thank you.
As I hope you are.
Granville not in? - In the back.
- Yeah, won't be long.
Where does he keep the pasta? I want you to know, Mrs Rossi, that I would normally be at your service Please don't worry.
I'll I'll pop back later.
No.
No Wait.
I can't let you go without some sort of explanation.
You shall have your rigatoni, Mrs Rossi.
Even if it kills any respect you may have for me.
Boxers and suspenders, Mr Newbold.
It's good to be home again after the racier fashions of Italy.
I Mrs Rossi.
I see you've met more of Mr Newbold.
Don't worry, we'll soon have him back in his trousers before you can say, "What is this business coming to?" Ciao.
Ciao.
Don't worry.
They'll loosen up with wear.
Right, come along.
Tell me again Why am I riding a mangle? Well, primarily because I don't know anyone more suggestible.
Oh, thank you.
Right, now, what I want you to do is you'll be riding gently through the town and drawing attention to our new mobile pressing service.
- Did I ought to tell Madge? - No, no, I'll tell her for you.
- Right, come on.
On board.
- Right.
Up we go.
Oh, steady.
Mangles are not well sprung.
Stand by.
Right, now, slowly, right? Don't jerk it.
Now, be firm with him, Beth.
Keep his mind on what he's doing.
I do a good "firm", Mr Arkwright.
She's not joking.
She's like a black widow in training.
What have they talked him into now? Why is he always flirting with danger? Well, he flirts with you.
It's pretty much the same thing.
- Where's the Mini gone? - It went that way.
I'll kill that Leroy.
His eyes are full of that vegan.
- You haven't got a cushion, have you? - Cushions are extra.
That steam gets to where you think it never could reach.
He'll be back.
Once he finds that you're not behind.
Behind? Yeah, it's getting hot already.
That's the steam.
You've got to keep up the steam pressure.
- I think we're - Yeah, don't worry about that - Moving.
Yep, I were right, we're moving.
- Where are you going? What do you care? There's no steering.
There's no brakes? Can't stop.
You were supposed to be looking.
- I thought you were looking? - I was looking at you.
I noticed that.
You're doing it again.
You talk to yourself when you're driving.
I do not.
Your lips were moving.
If you've got a problem with moving lips, - I can show you how to stop them.
- I know how to stop them.
I can't stop.
Help.
Help.
Follow that mangle.
Help.
I'm going to close our new home pressing service before the police press charges.
Drying without due care and attention.
I'm going to have to face facts.
That steamer does cause slight shrinkage.
Fish and chips? Yes.
I'll have to change these trousers.
They're on their last legs.
I can wait.
Madge is busy shouting at Gastric.
They're getting on much better these days.
What about us? I can't decide.
What do you mean you can't decide? Do I want vinegar? Oh, well, we'll get one with and one without.
Sorted.
How do you do it? I don't know, must be these trousers.
They don't leave any room for doubt.