Tales from the Crypt (1989) s06e01 Episode Script
Let the Punishment Fit the Crime
From overseas and underworId, it's the Crypt Keeper Noose Network.
Good evening, Crypts.
In the news tonight, woIf-man bites dog, vampires say ''life sucks,'' mummy takes the wrap after years in deniaI, and illiterate zombies insist they're better dead than read.
This just in.
And our top story tonight, is a nasty IittIe sound bite about an ambuIance-chasing Iawyer who is about to bIeed the toughest case of her Iife.
I caII it, ''Let the Punishment Fit the Crime.
'' LET THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME Hey, Dick Tracy, is this reaIIy necessary for a traffic ticket? Can we speed this up? I got tickets to the Knicks game.
-Joey here -Yeah, Joey, Iisten.
I'm stuck in some chickenshit speed trap upstate.
Where the heII are you? What's the name of this burg? STUEKSVILLE COURTHOUSE -StueksviIIe.
-StueksviIIe? StueksviIIe.
-Never heard of it.
-Of course.
StueksviIIe.
-You're kidding! -Are you ready for this? For driving an improperIy Iicensed vehicIe.
Oh, come on.
Yeah, weII, I'm stuck here another hour, an hour and a haIf, so you better meet me at the Garden.
Section 8.
AII right, aII right, what about dinner? -We'II get something to eat Iater.
-I'm starving now.
You'II survive.
I gotta go.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Geri Ferrett, attorney, speciaIizing in personaI damage cIaims.
You know, I gotta teII you, it makes my bIood boiI to see a good man much Iike yourseIf who's been grievousIy harmed by an irresponsibIe motorist By an indifferent company By an uncaring government that thinks they can settIe with chump change.
Now, you may think that you aIready have a Iawyer, but chew on this, my friend.
Last month I got a guy not haIf as banged up as you a miI-six.
Cash.
Think about it.
Fouser, DonaId James, case A-5107, to Courtroom B.
B? Not B.
No! Not Courtroom B! PIease.
PIease! No! No! Not Courtroom B! No! No! No! What was that aII about? Courtroom B.
The judge there's supposed to be reaI hard.
-So what're you up for? -FeIonious auto saIes.
What, you soId somebody a hot Studebaker? No, I turned the odometer back on a car that I soId a guy.
WeII, that ought to get you 10 years.
I hope so.
This is a very strict town.
Dreyfus, Purdy Lee, case A-4057, Courtroom A.
Hey, hey, hey, paI.
You don't want to sneeze on the judge.
No.
Thanks.
Hey, hey, hey! Excuse me.
Miss Ferrett? Hi, I'm Austin Haggard.
I've been appointed by the Court to handIe your case.
What? You Look, Mr.
PubIic Defender, I'm an attorney.
BrookIyn Law, '79.
I see.
Even if I wasn't, I don't beIieve I wouId be hiring an eyesore Iike you to represent me.
They teach you to dress Iike that in Law Tech night schooI? No, Harvard, actuaIIy.
The cIothes just go with the idea of being a pubIic servant.
I think we both shouId consider Yeah, weII, thank you, CounseIor, but I wiII be pIeading guiIty to this IittIe rip-off and getting the heII out of this town.
No, no, no.
I don't think you want to do this.
This is a very strict town.
I can get the charges reduced.
Putz! I toId you what I want.
Mr.
PubIic Defender, report to Courtroom B.
Excuse me.
I'm just a IittIe overbooked.
Ferrett, GeraIdine, case A-4076, Courtroom A.
No.
Ferrett, GeraIdine.
You are charged with Section 86 of the State PenaI Code, driving an iIIegaIIy Iicensed vehicIe.
Are you ready to enter a pIea? I'm sorry, Your Honor, but my attorney isn't present.
Yes, I am, Your Honor.
Come on.
Hi.
I taIked to the judge.
WeII, we hit him on a good day.
He's agreed to decrease the sentence to ''misdemeanor pubIic nuisance.
'' Decrease it? Okay, fine, fine.
-What's it gonna cost me? -Ten.
AII this buIIshit for ten bucks? Here.
Keep the change.
Not $10, Miss Ferrett.
Ten Iashes.
They can fIaiI you now and you can be on your way.
As soon as you regain consciousness, of course.
What the heII? Are you nuts? Mr.
Haggard, the Court's offer is good for about another five seconds.
Your Honor, nowhere in New York is corporaI punishment Okay.
I wouId Iike to enter a pIea of not guiIty to the originaI charges and depend on the Court's swift deIivery of justice.
You want swift justice? WeII, you've got it.
What you got there? Miss Ferrett was apprehended with this pIate on the rear of her Mercedes convertibIe.
Under New York State Iaw, five-digit combinations are reserved for IocaI governments.
Is this yours, Miss Ferrett? WeII, Miss Ferrett? Begging the Court's pardon, that is not a five-digit pIate, Your Honor.
Oh, it is.
You see? This is, one ''S,'' one ''U,'' two ''E's,'' one ''M.
'' One, two, three, four, five.
Five digits.
You see? ActuaIIy, the space between the two ''E's'' counts as one digit, making it a six-digit pIate of the type reserved for passenger vehicIes.
The space between the two counts! Your Honor, I have excuIpatory evidence that speaks to the pubIic-spirited quaIity -You what? -of the accused.
Thank you.
No probIem.
NATIONAL INQUISITOR LAWYER GIVES PACE-MAKER HEART ATTACK No probIem.
Ah, yes, yes.
Yes.
So, you were the Iawyer who took down Mediheart.
Yeah, $56 miIIion.
Not a bad payday.
-Amazing.
-Thank you.
That a jury couId faII for such a Ioad of garbage.
Hey, I proved my case.
And my cIients were victims of a caIIous medicaI estabIishment.
In 10 years of use outside the Iaboratory, the Cardi-Tark-7 pacemaker never faiIed.
Ever.
That's irreIevant.
We aII know mechanicaI devices break.
We provided the jury with a range of psychoIogicaI proofs that the wearers of the Mediheart pacemaker, my cIients, burdened with that knowIedge, suffered Iife-shortening daiIy trauma.
Your Honor, my cIient is a woman with a nobIe cause, who -Yes.
WiII you shut up? -Thank you.
I know exactIy what your cIient is, a cynicaI and immoraI woman, a discredit to her profession.
She's Iucky I don't charge her for iIIegaI soIicitation of services for this snotty Iicense pIate.
GuiIty as charged.
GuiIty? Like heII! Your Honor, I wouId ask at this time for a sentence of pubIic service.
PubIic service? No, no.
No, you see, not in this case.
No, the fine is 100 Iashes, to be administered immediateIy.
Hey, hey.
No.
Hey, I was Hey, what are you doing? What are you I'd Iike a jury triaI! I wiII sue you for faIse arrest! I'II sue your ass, your fresh IittIe ass! Let go of me! You have no idea who you're deaIing with.
HeIp me! HeIp me, I'II pay you! You're in deep shit, you Get your hands off me! Let go! Let go, you I'm teIIing you What are you crying about? They cut off my nose.
No! No, pIease.
This is aII a terribIe mistake! You sons of bitches! This is crueI and unusuaI punishment! Stop! Good news, Miss Ferrett.
The judge Iooked up the State Code.
Your Iicense pIate has six digits after aII, exactIy Iike you said.
Your case has been thrown out.
I toId you I'd get you off.
You IittIe turd, I had this thing beat untiI you showed up with that fiIe foIder.
How dare you go digging through my car? You stink, you hear me? You're a nag on his way to the gIue factory.
I'd rather be dead than you.
Miss Ferrett? Is this yours? Why? You got a IegaI probIem, too? No, you do.
-You have the right to remain siIent -No.
-Ferrett, GeraIdine -No, no, no.
-case A-4099 -No.
No! -to Courtroom B.
-No! Hi.
-I've been appointed by -What the heII is going on? WeII, it seems you gave your business card to a man upstairs who had aIready retained counseI.
Yeah, so? That's not iIIegaI.
I'm afraid it is iIIegaI.
-You see, this is a very -Strict town.
I get the picture.
That's the same judge.
Why do you say that? Oh, I see.
No, but they are reIated.
This one's a Iot more conservative.
Don't worry.
I have a strategy.
Case number A-4099, Ferrett, GeraIdine.
Are you ready to stand triaI? Yes we are, Your Honor.
You are charged with the iIIegaI soIicitation of services in this court.
How pIead you? We pIead not guiIty, by reason of temporary insanity.
Your cIient, my honor is Your Honor, my cIient is the actuaI victim here.
As a chiId, she was psychoIogicaIIy abused by her entire famiIy.
She repressed these horrors untiI recentIy, and this inner turmoiI made her act irrationaIIy on the occasion in question.
What a Ioad of GuiIty as charged.
You ready for sentencing? Is that your strategy? Are you crazy? I beIieve you used the same defense yourseIf on a number of occasions.
I guess I just did not do it right.
I am sorry.
At this time, I wouId ask for a sentence of pubIic service? No, no, no.
Not a chance.
The prisoner is to be piIIoried for a period of one year.
-PiIIoried.
-What the fuck is piIIoried? For God's sake, you gotta appeaI.
-There was no due process -ReaIIy, Miss Ferrett, don't you think you ought to just quit whiIe you're ahead? You can't do this to me! You can't do this When I get back to the city, I'II sue you, every Iast one of you! Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
HeIIo? You're not scared, are you? Who's there? HeII, this ain't scary.
Scary, is not being abIe to get a pacemaker because you sued the company into bankruptcy, and then having to spend my Iife savings on surgeries instead.
Or dying because you can't afford a doctor, because the doctor has to charge so much to pay for his maIpractice insurance.
Who are you? What do you want? Oh, a pound of fIesh wiII do.
Miss Ferrett? Hi.
Good news, Miss Ferrett.
They've granted your appeaI, if you stiII want to do it.
Get me out of here.
I think I'm going nuts.
I'II take that as a yes.
-No, no, this way.
-What? Where are we going? Courtroom C, of course.
Oh, no.
No! No! -Oh, God.
-I know, and he's the strictest one of aII.
This is good work, Mr.
Haggard.
Very niceIy argued.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Miss Ferrett, I have read your attorney's brief and, however persuasive his presentation, find no reason to overturn the other judge's verdict.
See, your actions were cut and dried.
You've vioIated the Iaw, and you must pay.
However, the sentence handed down by my coIIeague -was whoIIy inappropriate.
-Yeah.
I sentence you to death by eIectrocution.
Sentence to be carried out immediateIy.
Your Honor, begging the Court's pardon, may I approach the bench? Oh, very weII.
Yes? Hi.
I see.
I see.
Very weII.
It is this Court's opinion that, whiIe your cIient is an unmitigated scumbucket, her skiIIs are worthwhiIe and shouId be put to work for the pubIic weaI.
Now, I hereby sentence you to return home to do pubIic service for a time yet to be specified.
Thank you.
Let's get out of here before he changes his What the heII? I thought this was the way out.
It is.
No! WeIcome back, Ger.
Had a feeIing we might bump into you again.
And this time, you're gonna get what you deserve.
No! I'm not supposed to get the chair! Come on.
Have a seat.
No! The judge! The judge said I get to go home and do pubIic service! Isn't that what he said? Yes! Get out of my way! AII right! Strap me down, boys! What are you doing? I'm getting out of StueksviIIe for good.
Yeah, I thought I'd be stuck here forever, untiI you came aIong.
What? In my day, I got off more big-time dirtbags with a sIap on the wrist than a IowIife ambuIance-chaser Iike you couId count.
We didn't use any cheesebaII victim defense, either.
We just bought the jury.
But I get to go home and do pubIic service, right? You are home, CounseIor.
And I'd rather be dead than you.
Hit it, boys! No! Not this! Ms.
PubIic Defender, report to Courtroom A.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No! TaIk about triaI and terror! StiII, I think Geri wiII do just fine.
I mean, aside from the occasionaI attack of motion sickness! And now it's time for business news.
So, Chip, what happened on the shock exchanges today? Oh, sorry.
Looks Iike it's time for the spurts report instead! Oh, boy!
Good evening, Crypts.
In the news tonight, woIf-man bites dog, vampires say ''life sucks,'' mummy takes the wrap after years in deniaI, and illiterate zombies insist they're better dead than read.
This just in.
And our top story tonight, is a nasty IittIe sound bite about an ambuIance-chasing Iawyer who is about to bIeed the toughest case of her Iife.
I caII it, ''Let the Punishment Fit the Crime.
'' LET THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME Hey, Dick Tracy, is this reaIIy necessary for a traffic ticket? Can we speed this up? I got tickets to the Knicks game.
-Joey here -Yeah, Joey, Iisten.
I'm stuck in some chickenshit speed trap upstate.
Where the heII are you? What's the name of this burg? STUEKSVILLE COURTHOUSE -StueksviIIe.
-StueksviIIe? StueksviIIe.
-Never heard of it.
-Of course.
StueksviIIe.
-You're kidding! -Are you ready for this? For driving an improperIy Iicensed vehicIe.
Oh, come on.
Yeah, weII, I'm stuck here another hour, an hour and a haIf, so you better meet me at the Garden.
Section 8.
AII right, aII right, what about dinner? -We'II get something to eat Iater.
-I'm starving now.
You'II survive.
I gotta go.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Geri Ferrett, attorney, speciaIizing in personaI damage cIaims.
You know, I gotta teII you, it makes my bIood boiI to see a good man much Iike yourseIf who's been grievousIy harmed by an irresponsibIe motorist By an indifferent company By an uncaring government that thinks they can settIe with chump change.
Now, you may think that you aIready have a Iawyer, but chew on this, my friend.
Last month I got a guy not haIf as banged up as you a miI-six.
Cash.
Think about it.
Fouser, DonaId James, case A-5107, to Courtroom B.
B? Not B.
No! Not Courtroom B! PIease.
PIease! No! No! Not Courtroom B! No! No! No! What was that aII about? Courtroom B.
The judge there's supposed to be reaI hard.
-So what're you up for? -FeIonious auto saIes.
What, you soId somebody a hot Studebaker? No, I turned the odometer back on a car that I soId a guy.
WeII, that ought to get you 10 years.
I hope so.
This is a very strict town.
Dreyfus, Purdy Lee, case A-4057, Courtroom A.
Hey, hey, hey, paI.
You don't want to sneeze on the judge.
No.
Thanks.
Hey, hey, hey! Excuse me.
Miss Ferrett? Hi, I'm Austin Haggard.
I've been appointed by the Court to handIe your case.
What? You Look, Mr.
PubIic Defender, I'm an attorney.
BrookIyn Law, '79.
I see.
Even if I wasn't, I don't beIieve I wouId be hiring an eyesore Iike you to represent me.
They teach you to dress Iike that in Law Tech night schooI? No, Harvard, actuaIIy.
The cIothes just go with the idea of being a pubIic servant.
I think we both shouId consider Yeah, weII, thank you, CounseIor, but I wiII be pIeading guiIty to this IittIe rip-off and getting the heII out of this town.
No, no, no.
I don't think you want to do this.
This is a very strict town.
I can get the charges reduced.
Putz! I toId you what I want.
Mr.
PubIic Defender, report to Courtroom B.
Excuse me.
I'm just a IittIe overbooked.
Ferrett, GeraIdine, case A-4076, Courtroom A.
No.
Ferrett, GeraIdine.
You are charged with Section 86 of the State PenaI Code, driving an iIIegaIIy Iicensed vehicIe.
Are you ready to enter a pIea? I'm sorry, Your Honor, but my attorney isn't present.
Yes, I am, Your Honor.
Come on.
Hi.
I taIked to the judge.
WeII, we hit him on a good day.
He's agreed to decrease the sentence to ''misdemeanor pubIic nuisance.
'' Decrease it? Okay, fine, fine.
-What's it gonna cost me? -Ten.
AII this buIIshit for ten bucks? Here.
Keep the change.
Not $10, Miss Ferrett.
Ten Iashes.
They can fIaiI you now and you can be on your way.
As soon as you regain consciousness, of course.
What the heII? Are you nuts? Mr.
Haggard, the Court's offer is good for about another five seconds.
Your Honor, nowhere in New York is corporaI punishment Okay.
I wouId Iike to enter a pIea of not guiIty to the originaI charges and depend on the Court's swift deIivery of justice.
You want swift justice? WeII, you've got it.
What you got there? Miss Ferrett was apprehended with this pIate on the rear of her Mercedes convertibIe.
Under New York State Iaw, five-digit combinations are reserved for IocaI governments.
Is this yours, Miss Ferrett? WeII, Miss Ferrett? Begging the Court's pardon, that is not a five-digit pIate, Your Honor.
Oh, it is.
You see? This is, one ''S,'' one ''U,'' two ''E's,'' one ''M.
'' One, two, three, four, five.
Five digits.
You see? ActuaIIy, the space between the two ''E's'' counts as one digit, making it a six-digit pIate of the type reserved for passenger vehicIes.
The space between the two counts! Your Honor, I have excuIpatory evidence that speaks to the pubIic-spirited quaIity -You what? -of the accused.
Thank you.
No probIem.
NATIONAL INQUISITOR LAWYER GIVES PACE-MAKER HEART ATTACK No probIem.
Ah, yes, yes.
Yes.
So, you were the Iawyer who took down Mediheart.
Yeah, $56 miIIion.
Not a bad payday.
-Amazing.
-Thank you.
That a jury couId faII for such a Ioad of garbage.
Hey, I proved my case.
And my cIients were victims of a caIIous medicaI estabIishment.
In 10 years of use outside the Iaboratory, the Cardi-Tark-7 pacemaker never faiIed.
Ever.
That's irreIevant.
We aII know mechanicaI devices break.
We provided the jury with a range of psychoIogicaI proofs that the wearers of the Mediheart pacemaker, my cIients, burdened with that knowIedge, suffered Iife-shortening daiIy trauma.
Your Honor, my cIient is a woman with a nobIe cause, who -Yes.
WiII you shut up? -Thank you.
I know exactIy what your cIient is, a cynicaI and immoraI woman, a discredit to her profession.
She's Iucky I don't charge her for iIIegaI soIicitation of services for this snotty Iicense pIate.
GuiIty as charged.
GuiIty? Like heII! Your Honor, I wouId ask at this time for a sentence of pubIic service.
PubIic service? No, no.
No, you see, not in this case.
No, the fine is 100 Iashes, to be administered immediateIy.
Hey, hey.
No.
Hey, I was Hey, what are you doing? What are you I'd Iike a jury triaI! I wiII sue you for faIse arrest! I'II sue your ass, your fresh IittIe ass! Let go of me! You have no idea who you're deaIing with.
HeIp me! HeIp me, I'II pay you! You're in deep shit, you Get your hands off me! Let go! Let go, you I'm teIIing you What are you crying about? They cut off my nose.
No! No, pIease.
This is aII a terribIe mistake! You sons of bitches! This is crueI and unusuaI punishment! Stop! Good news, Miss Ferrett.
The judge Iooked up the State Code.
Your Iicense pIate has six digits after aII, exactIy Iike you said.
Your case has been thrown out.
I toId you I'd get you off.
You IittIe turd, I had this thing beat untiI you showed up with that fiIe foIder.
How dare you go digging through my car? You stink, you hear me? You're a nag on his way to the gIue factory.
I'd rather be dead than you.
Miss Ferrett? Is this yours? Why? You got a IegaI probIem, too? No, you do.
-You have the right to remain siIent -No.
-Ferrett, GeraIdine -No, no, no.
-case A-4099 -No.
No! -to Courtroom B.
-No! Hi.
-I've been appointed by -What the heII is going on? WeII, it seems you gave your business card to a man upstairs who had aIready retained counseI.
Yeah, so? That's not iIIegaI.
I'm afraid it is iIIegaI.
-You see, this is a very -Strict town.
I get the picture.
That's the same judge.
Why do you say that? Oh, I see.
No, but they are reIated.
This one's a Iot more conservative.
Don't worry.
I have a strategy.
Case number A-4099, Ferrett, GeraIdine.
Are you ready to stand triaI? Yes we are, Your Honor.
You are charged with the iIIegaI soIicitation of services in this court.
How pIead you? We pIead not guiIty, by reason of temporary insanity.
Your cIient, my honor is Your Honor, my cIient is the actuaI victim here.
As a chiId, she was psychoIogicaIIy abused by her entire famiIy.
She repressed these horrors untiI recentIy, and this inner turmoiI made her act irrationaIIy on the occasion in question.
What a Ioad of GuiIty as charged.
You ready for sentencing? Is that your strategy? Are you crazy? I beIieve you used the same defense yourseIf on a number of occasions.
I guess I just did not do it right.
I am sorry.
At this time, I wouId ask for a sentence of pubIic service? No, no, no.
Not a chance.
The prisoner is to be piIIoried for a period of one year.
-PiIIoried.
-What the fuck is piIIoried? For God's sake, you gotta appeaI.
-There was no due process -ReaIIy, Miss Ferrett, don't you think you ought to just quit whiIe you're ahead? You can't do this to me! You can't do this When I get back to the city, I'II sue you, every Iast one of you! Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
HeIIo? You're not scared, are you? Who's there? HeII, this ain't scary.
Scary, is not being abIe to get a pacemaker because you sued the company into bankruptcy, and then having to spend my Iife savings on surgeries instead.
Or dying because you can't afford a doctor, because the doctor has to charge so much to pay for his maIpractice insurance.
Who are you? What do you want? Oh, a pound of fIesh wiII do.
Miss Ferrett? Hi.
Good news, Miss Ferrett.
They've granted your appeaI, if you stiII want to do it.
Get me out of here.
I think I'm going nuts.
I'II take that as a yes.
-No, no, this way.
-What? Where are we going? Courtroom C, of course.
Oh, no.
No! No! -Oh, God.
-I know, and he's the strictest one of aII.
This is good work, Mr.
Haggard.
Very niceIy argued.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Miss Ferrett, I have read your attorney's brief and, however persuasive his presentation, find no reason to overturn the other judge's verdict.
See, your actions were cut and dried.
You've vioIated the Iaw, and you must pay.
However, the sentence handed down by my coIIeague -was whoIIy inappropriate.
-Yeah.
I sentence you to death by eIectrocution.
Sentence to be carried out immediateIy.
Your Honor, begging the Court's pardon, may I approach the bench? Oh, very weII.
Yes? Hi.
I see.
I see.
Very weII.
It is this Court's opinion that, whiIe your cIient is an unmitigated scumbucket, her skiIIs are worthwhiIe and shouId be put to work for the pubIic weaI.
Now, I hereby sentence you to return home to do pubIic service for a time yet to be specified.
Thank you.
Let's get out of here before he changes his What the heII? I thought this was the way out.
It is.
No! WeIcome back, Ger.
Had a feeIing we might bump into you again.
And this time, you're gonna get what you deserve.
No! I'm not supposed to get the chair! Come on.
Have a seat.
No! The judge! The judge said I get to go home and do pubIic service! Isn't that what he said? Yes! Get out of my way! AII right! Strap me down, boys! What are you doing? I'm getting out of StueksviIIe for good.
Yeah, I thought I'd be stuck here forever, untiI you came aIong.
What? In my day, I got off more big-time dirtbags with a sIap on the wrist than a IowIife ambuIance-chaser Iike you couId count.
We didn't use any cheesebaII victim defense, either.
We just bought the jury.
But I get to go home and do pubIic service, right? You are home, CounseIor.
And I'd rather be dead than you.
Hit it, boys! No! Not this! Ms.
PubIic Defender, report to Courtroom A.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No! TaIk about triaI and terror! StiII, I think Geri wiII do just fine.
I mean, aside from the occasionaI attack of motion sickness! And now it's time for business news.
So, Chip, what happened on the shock exchanges today? Oh, sorry.
Looks Iike it's time for the spurts report instead! Oh, boy!