The Goldbergs s06e01 Episode Script
Sixteen Candles
1 Growing up as a kid in the '80s, I loved movies.
Not just making them, living them, from unforgettable classics like "Ghostbusters" to the action-packed saga of "The Karate Kid.
" But my all-time faves were the movies from legendary director John Hughes.
I got weird like "Weird Science," had an epic day off like Ferris, even joined the breakfast club.
But on my 16th birthday, no movie felt truer than the John Hughes masterpiece "Sixteen Candles.
" You need 4 inches of bod and a great birthday.
Lucky for me, I had all the bod I needed.
In fact, this birthday was gonna rock.
I can't believe this.
They [bleep.]
forgot my birthday.
Oof.
That's gotta sting.
Yep, my mom always remembered.
Birthday boy sighting! [Gasps.]
- Ah! - There's my little birthday Schmoo.
[Gasps.]
Happy birthday, Schmoo.
And when it came to my birthday, I got all the attention until the year I didn't.
You are not getting married to Lainey Lewis.
You are a high-school senior and a tiny boy.
And you need a job! First, you drop out of college to be a rock star? Now you're back here driving up my electric bill! You will get married over my dead body.
And shame on you for not even consulting your one true lady love of your life, which is me.
And look at you.
Using my stove and my light bulbs like you're some sort of Norwegian royalty.
You can't be a husband.
You are still my baby Barry.
Those beautiful blond bastards! They did nothing to help us during the war.
Murray, stop.
You're on a bad tangent.
Just focus on how she's breaking our hearts.
Um, sorry to interrupt your morning rage-a-thon, but does anyone have anything they want to say to me? Not everything's about you, golden child who can do no wrong.
Really? Nothing else? Ow! That thing has walnuts! Oh, Adam, I almost forgot.
I knew she'd remember.
It was birthday gift time.
I bet it's that fancy editing machine I wanted.
Here's $3.
I was so busy crying about your brother taking a child bride that I didn't make you a lunch.
It's shepherd's pie at the cafeteria today! That's the worst of all savory pies.
And no bananas till you make a poop-ila in the pot-ila.
But what about my Turns out, I really was living "Sixteen Candles" after all.
I can't believe this.
They [bleep.]
forgot my birthday.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was September 26, 1980-something.
Barry was happily engaged, but no one was angrier than his future father-in-law.
Hey, Billy boy.
Here to yell at the kids? Bingo! Hope it's okay, but I've written some really terrible things to say to Barry in order to scare him off.
- You did some homework.
Good on you.
- Yeah.
Full disclosure: I attack his physical appearance in a very un-Christian way.
I mean, it's no way for an adult to speak to a child.
Hey, go big or go home, right? Wrong! All of our anger, guilt, and emotional terror only makes the kids dig in deeper.
We have to rethink our tactics.
With your blessing, I am willing to fistfight your son.
- I mean, something like this.
- An open house? The Goodmans down the street are moving.
I think it's time I show those kids the harsh realities of being actual adults.
And we can put a samurai sword on this wall.
Shark tank, shark tank, shark tank.
Boom! Seven more shark tanks! Bar, where am I gonna hang all my guitars - if every wall is full of swords and sharks? - You're right.
Mom, we're gonna need a bigger, wall-ier house, but we appreciate the offer to buy us this one.
Oh, I'm not buying you this house.
I brought you here to show you how much it would cost you to buy it.
$37,000? Are you friggin' kidding me? We can't afford that.
We're just dumb kids! Exactly.
You're kids without degrees or jobs.
You're not ready to take on this kind of adult responsibility.
Okay, so maybe we can't afford this house with its embarrassing number of walls.
All that matters is I'm crazy in love with this girl right here.
Aw, my big, hairy monster.
We can live in some tiny, shark-tankless apartment, for all I care.
As long as it's me, Lainey, and our four snuggly little kids.
Okay, there is no way I'm gonna let Oh, my God.
Did you say kids? Can you imagine all those cute little Barrys running around? Aww.
- Aww.
- Aww.
Why is she aww-ing with us? - [Mumbles.]
I don't know.
- Little Barrys.
Oh, with the curly hair and the squishy, husky baby body and the not being able to ride the bus to camp 'cause you're so emotionally out of control.
[Gasps.]
Ah! In that moment, Lainey discovered my mom's one true weakness, the promise of grandkids.
That's right! Can you imagine all those cuddly little baby Barrys? I'm imagining it so hard right now.
That's good! But the only way to get them is to get us married.
Oh, no, you're not getting married.
But But how soon could you get married and give me little Barrys? What are we even talking about right now? Bar, we're talking about the sooner we get married, the sooner your mom becomes a Grammy.
Bubby.
Ohh, I want to be a bubby so bad! Ohh! Now I get it.
Would literally kill my friends with envy.
- That's my dream.
- Yes.
This is very exciting, but let's manage expectations.
This baby thing is a ways off.
Yeah, it could be decades.
But it'll for sure happen one day.
Oh, one day is so close.
Oh, I can almost taste the baby in my mouth.
Muh-muh-muh.
Ohh! That's a tasty baby.
Oh, I'm gonna eat your foot.
[Imitates nibbling.]
Baby foot is my favorite! I'm gonna put ketchup on the baby foot.
[Chuckles.]
Told you I could get her on board.
Although I may have concerns she wants to eat our baby.
Come on.
Wait.
They all forgot your birthday? I always thought "Sixteen Candles" was a delightful comedic premise, but when it happens to you, it's more shocking and hurtful.
Well, your family may not love you at all, but guess who does.
Man, you guys just get me.
Even if that isn't my locker.
Wazzat? Who put this old green talking puppet dog on my locker? I-It's Yoda.
- How do you not know Yoda? - He's awesome.
But I refuse to find common ground with you turds.
And here I thought this year, we might actually find our way out of the social basement.
Wait! Maybe you living "Sixteen Candles" can help us.
You're finally under your parents' radar.
Let's use this chance to throw a big-ass birthday rager.
Come on.
We have no idea how to throw a rager.
Lucky for you, John Hughes already taught us.
We're gonna relive all of the classic "Sixteen Candles" party moments.
- Like what? - I'm talking beer-can pyramid.
Pizza on the record player.
Irreparable house damage! Somehow, foam gets in your vents.
Toilet paper trees.
And, obviously, a dweeb will be imprisoned in your glass coffee table.
- But what about - Long Duk Dong? No! There will be no discussion of the Donger.
- I'm trying to - Say he's hilarious? Well, he's not.
Get off your totally warranted soapbox, Dave Kim.
I'm trying to say I'm in.
Sweet! So, where do we begin? No clue, but I do know the coolest person alive who knows everything about throwing a badass bash.
- Erica.
- Erica.
Better.
You want a birthday rager, kiddo? I'll throw you one that'll make you plotz.
Sweet! So, whatcha thinking? We pull out all the stops.
I'm talking martinis, dollar stogies, fan dancers.
Ooh.
I got an in with the Shorty Flanders Trio.
Yeah, we'll go to Erica.
And so I turned to my sister for an electrifying rager.
But turns out Erica was dealing with some electrifying issues of her own.
For the love of crap! I just got the electricity bill, and my dad is gonna kill me.
Okay, calm down.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
It's $906.
"For the love of crap" is right! That's so bad and so wasteful! Excuse you.
How am I wasteful? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe 'cause you and your drummer have incredibly indulgent energy needs? Uh, we have to run the A/C and fans 24/7 'cause our tons of equipment runs, like, super hot.
Yeah, but do you really need the sign? Do you not want people to know the name of our band, unsupportive Geoff? Look, your dad is gonna kill you.
My dad's gonna kill me.
I'm gonna be the most hated kid in this house, even more than Barry, and he's a high-school groom.
Okay, all we gotta do is come up with a mature, - adult way to solve this.
- Erica! I need your help to throw a reckless high-school party that Mom and Dad can never know about.
- I'll do it.
- Seriously? For my special guy? Of course.
Throwing a party is incredibly risky, and if you get caught, Mom and Dad will be livid, and you'll be the worst kid - in the house, not me.
- No, no, I get it.
I can't believe you'll throw me a party.
I thought you forgot all about today.
I don't totally follow, but I'm on it.
First, I'll get Mom and Dad out of town so they won't return tonight and catch you red-handed.
No, I get it.
High school's gonna be as awesome for me as it was for you.
- Thank you, Erica.
- Don't mention it.
This timing could not be more perfect.
No need to look my direction.
I know what's happening.
With that, my legendary party was on.
As for my dad and Bill, they were praying Barry and Lainey's wedding was off.
There's our mad genius.
Did the kids finally learn how terrible marriage is? Better.
I'm gonna be a bubalah, which means we gotta get those kids married right away so I can get me a tasty baby.
A baby?! What kind of backwards, mixed-up talk did you have with those kids? All right, don't get all worked up.
It's not gonna happen right away.
We ran the numbers.
It'll be anywhere from 10 - to three to two years.
- No! Hey, what ever happened to the Bevolution? You know, finding your way without our kids? I hereby suspend the Bevolution.
Viva la Bubby-lution! You can't just put "lution" at the end of a word - and make it be a thing.
- Oh, it's a thing.
And since we're all so excited about it, we should go out and celebrate.
You know the best place to celebrate whatever's happening here? Atlantic City.
It's far enough to get away, but close enough to be home by 10:00 and see what's happening here at the house.
Okay, bye! Yes.
Atlantic City.
That is the perfect place to honor this joyous baby engagement.
What the hell just happened?! She was supposed to scare 'em off with an open house, and now we're eating in another state! I'll tell you what just happened.
Our moron kids are brilliant.
They used the baby card against us.
I hate the baby card.
Also, what's the baby card? I'm so scared and upset, Murray! Why, hello, angry fathers.
Guess who just got Beverly Goldberg on board the wedding train.
Do you know what a can of worms you two just opened by promising that yenta grandbabies? Face it, you lost.
Now that Mom's excited about our foolishly impulsive wedding, you have to accept it.
The curly-haired sack of flour's right.
Beverly Goldberg always gets her way.
- But at what cost? - Yoo-hoo! Look at all this adorable stuff I've had hermetically sealed in the garage.
You're gonna need this, for sure.
It's Barry's baby helmet.
Yay! - Great.
Not only are we having a baby, but its head's gonna be all cattywampus.
Cheese and crackers.
Ooh, look at this sign! Aww! I'm gonna put it in the station wagon - for our trip to AC.
- No need! After all, there is literally no baby on board.
Not yet.
But there is a bubby on board.
With Bubby officially on board, it was Atlantic City or bust! Nothing could stop them.
Meanwhile, my big birthday rager was off with a bang.
It had all the highlights from "Sixteen Candles," but I discovered when it's your house, it's not nearly as fun.
Check us out! We're fancy, big-haired ladies, like your mom.
[Pearls clattering.]
Just when I thought no more damage could be done [Clattering.]
Actual damage was done.
Oh, man.
Bench press got away from me.
That's my bad, Alden.
My name's Adam, and your weightlifting mishap just caused major structural damage to my home.
There's a throw rug up here.
I'll chuck it over the hole.
Why did John Hughes make this seem so whimsical and fun? Help me! I'm a human person! Even Long Duk Dong had more dignity than this! The engagement celebration in Atlantic City was under way, but Lainey's dad wasn't feeling so lucky.
- Dealer has 21 again.
- Why?! Better save some money for the wedding, Bill.
In that case, I'd like to go all-in.
Well, his day's about to get a lot better, because look what I bought in the gift shop.
Oh, wow.
That's for a baby, which is weird 'cause we were very clear that's a long, long way off.
But we blink, and then baby's here, and then there I am, right next to you on my mom cot.
- Mom cot? - Oh, no, not the mom cot.
What does he know? What's a mom cot? It is a cot that sits smack against your bed so when you get tired, you just hand the baby directly to me.
Wait.
You actually expect to sleep in the same room with us? Trust me, you'll be thrilled to have a bed bubby when it comes time for burping, bathing, and poopy diapies.
No way, Mother.
You are never to set foot in our hypothetical home! I have a copy of the key, right, Murray? She made a secret copy.
Barry, can we chat outside? I need some fresh air right now.
Dealer has 21.
I lost 2 grand, and it's still the best thing that happened to me today.
Bill wasn't the only one on a losing streak.
I had completely lost control of my epic party I no longer wanted.
Yo! There's the host with the most.
Hope you're digging your kick-ass party.
For sure, but also, I don't want the party.
- What? - Take the party! It's your party.
You asked for the party, so the party's yours.
- Come on.
We all know it's your party.
- He's right, Erica.
General consensus is, it's your party.
No, no, that can't be the narrative.
It is very important that this is clearly designated as Adam's party.
Hey, everyone, let's give it up for the one person who we all know is definitely throwing this party.
We love you, Alden Goldfinch! - Alden! - Alden! See? They're almost chanting your name.
Enjoy your party.
[Chanting continues.]
You're the man, Alden.
[Music played.]
Okay, your mom is really freaking me out with her cute onesies and "Baby On Board" signs and celebratory casino buffets.
- I'm sorry, but this can't be my life! - What are you saying? I'm saying I love you, but having Beverly Goldberg as a smother-in-law will be an utter nightmare.
No! Don't trust your instincts! Come on.
A romantic pushcart ride will remind you at the end of the day, it's just you and me.
There's my sweet little lovebirds.
[Gasps.]
- Gah! She found us.
- Come on.
Scoot your booties.
- Ow.
You've got to try some of this delicious taffy.
- Can't do it.
- Where's she going? I can't finish this taffy all by myself.
Forget the taffy! You literally just drove away the love of my life.
Don't worry.
Mama will talk to her, and I'll fix everything.
There is no fixing this.
And it's not just Lainey.
Any girl I date will realize you're part of the package and run for the hills.
So, you're saying that I will shake the foundation of all my kids' relationships just 'cause I wanna be a little bit involved? - Is that what you're saying? - Yes.
Mark my words: I will never have babies, which means you'll never be a bubby.
Don't you dare un-bubby me.
Oh, you've been un-bubbied but good.
As Barry was ditching my mom, I was ditching my own party to have some real fun.
What the hell, man? Seriously, what am I looking at right now? The adventurous board game Fireball Island.
No, I mean you made a designated nerd area in the middle of your awesome party.
Yes, and it's your party.
Not according to this sign.
Here, tape it to your chest.
- No, thank you.
I'd rather just hang with my actual friends who know my actual name.
You can't just beg me to throw you an awesome rager - and then give it back.
[Scoffs.]
- Okay, I didn't beg you.
You did it 'cause it's my gift.
Gift? For what? Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Alden Adam Happy birthday to you Oh, I wish I had that information before I did what I did.
- What did you do? - What didn't I do? This is gonna tickle you.
I may have, uh, set you up to distract Dad from my irresponsible energy usage.
- What?! - I didn't know it was your birthday, so if anything, it's on you for having big secrets.
This is not a regular cake, you know.
This thing melts.
How could you do this? The one thing I wanted was to be awesome like you were in high school.
Now all I'll be is some dude named Alden who's grounded for the year.
I messed up, okay? I'll make it all better.
I promise, you can still be awesome just like me.
No.
The last thing I'd ever want is to be some selfish, drop-out loser like you.
You don't mean that.
I really do.
[Music played.]
Adam! Come on, open up.
Yeah, little nerd, open up! This party sucks! After our mom had destroyed Barry's engagement, he figured he didn't have anything else to lose.
Evening.
I'd like a root beer and a marker for $10,000.
Nice try, moron.
You're not old enough to be in here.
Yeah, old enough to steal my little princess and saddle her with a crooked-headed infant.
Actually, Lainey bolted.
She's gone for good.
Hot diggity-dog! I'm the luckiest man alive! I just lost so much money, but I'm walking on sunshine over here! Wait a second.
Lainey's gone? Mom ran her off with her terrible ways.
- I'll help you find her.
- Help him? We're on the one-yard line, Mur.
I'm sorry, but if Barry's gonna break up with Lainey, it's gonna be because he's a moron, not because his mom is an overbearing nudge.
You really believe I can screw this up on my own? I know you can.
Now let's go find Lainey and make this temporarily right.
No, Mur, no! We're so close! Double zeroes! We got a big winner.
Not now! I'm in a crisis here! Please, open up! This ponytail is the source of all my power! Close your eyes.
I got this.
I love you.
Ew.
You're not hot anymore.
Adam, I'm coming in.
Oh, come on! Who am I now?! I'm hideous! Little trick I learned in college.
Well, I locked my door for a reason.
Go away.
Not until you accept my apology.
Why? You don't mean it.
You just feel awful for trying to destroy me with an evil plan on my birthday.
Sure.
But I also feel awful because what you said was true.
All I am is a college dropout who lives at home and mooches off of her parents.
I act like I'm so cool and like I have it all figured out, but you're right.
I'm just a loser.
No.
I don't really think that.
Truth is, all I've ever wanted to be is just like you.
- Really? - Yes! I stupidly idolize you.
I'd love to be cool and have people know my name and have one year of school be as epic as yours was.
Well, it is your birthday.
So I'm on it.
For real this time.
And so my sister gave me the greatest birthday gift of all, a small taste of high-school popularity.
It may not have been your typical rager, but it was mine.
And it was awesome.
'Cause for that one night, everyone knew my name.
Turns out John Hughes was right, turning 16 was a lot sweeter than I thought.
Meanwhile, Lainey had soured on her future with Barry.
Barry, please.
I'm done talking.
Well, then, just listen, 'cause My dad has something he wants to say.
If you're here to call us morons for getting married, there's no need, 'cause it's not gonna happen.
You really think I'm gonna walk through the sand with my bad foot just to call you a moron? Look, if you really love each other, there's nothing you can't survive.
Even the world's worst smother-in-law? Yes.
Because at the end of the day, I know Beverly Goldberg can stay away when it really matters.
And I know it's scary to think of her on your back, but that also means that she has your back.
And trust me, there's no better feeling.
I thought you wanted us to break up.
Why are you trying to help? Because that's what families do, and like it or not, you're always gonna be family.
- And so, thanks to my dad - Come on.
Lainey decided to give Barry another shot.
This time, just the two of them.
Oh! Hey.
What are you guys doing? Really not helping, Mom.
You're terrible.
It's true.
Look, I know I got carried away.
It's just All my babies grew up and don't need me anymore.
But you made me realize it's not fully over.
I-I still have a whole new chapter left, one day.
Well, when it does happen, I hope you're there with me.
On a mom cot? - Mom! - Bevy.
We'll figure it out.
We have time.
You'd think, but it just goes so fast.
And it seems like only yesterday I was in the hospital holding my little Adam in my arms for the first time and Holy crap! We forgot his birthday! We forgot Adam's birthday! This is gonna be a whole thing.
Go, go! Go! Yeah, it wasn't the birthday I expected, and I didn't get the fancy editing machine I'd hoped for, but in the end, I got something much better.
Whatcha doin'? Figured if I was gonna have a "Sixteen Candles" kind of birthday, I might as well see it through.
Well? Did you make a wish? It already came true.
This year's gonna be awesome.
Little did I know, this year really would be one I'd never forget.
Mama's here, Schmoo! I am so, so sorry I forgot your birthday.
No! Don't get on the table! I will never forgive myself [Crash.]
Was that your wish? Happy birthday, dear Adam Happy birthday to you Hooray! I hate to ask you what you wished for.
Probably $3,000 worth of editing equipment.
Happy belated birthday, bro! [Screaming.]
I forgot to give you your gift of one butt-crack busting sub-atomic wedgie.
Sure, just do me a favor and back up a bit so you can get a running start.
You've learned to not struggle.
I see much growth since last year.
[Chuckles.]
Yep, one year really has made me wiser.
Wha? Oh, my God.
What's happening? Help! I'm shrinking! [Gasps.]
Better luck next year.
Not just making them, living them, from unforgettable classics like "Ghostbusters" to the action-packed saga of "The Karate Kid.
" But my all-time faves were the movies from legendary director John Hughes.
I got weird like "Weird Science," had an epic day off like Ferris, even joined the breakfast club.
But on my 16th birthday, no movie felt truer than the John Hughes masterpiece "Sixteen Candles.
" You need 4 inches of bod and a great birthday.
Lucky for me, I had all the bod I needed.
In fact, this birthday was gonna rock.
I can't believe this.
They [bleep.]
forgot my birthday.
Oof.
That's gotta sting.
Yep, my mom always remembered.
Birthday boy sighting! [Gasps.]
- Ah! - There's my little birthday Schmoo.
[Gasps.]
Happy birthday, Schmoo.
And when it came to my birthday, I got all the attention until the year I didn't.
You are not getting married to Lainey Lewis.
You are a high-school senior and a tiny boy.
And you need a job! First, you drop out of college to be a rock star? Now you're back here driving up my electric bill! You will get married over my dead body.
And shame on you for not even consulting your one true lady love of your life, which is me.
And look at you.
Using my stove and my light bulbs like you're some sort of Norwegian royalty.
You can't be a husband.
You are still my baby Barry.
Those beautiful blond bastards! They did nothing to help us during the war.
Murray, stop.
You're on a bad tangent.
Just focus on how she's breaking our hearts.
Um, sorry to interrupt your morning rage-a-thon, but does anyone have anything they want to say to me? Not everything's about you, golden child who can do no wrong.
Really? Nothing else? Ow! That thing has walnuts! Oh, Adam, I almost forgot.
I knew she'd remember.
It was birthday gift time.
I bet it's that fancy editing machine I wanted.
Here's $3.
I was so busy crying about your brother taking a child bride that I didn't make you a lunch.
It's shepherd's pie at the cafeteria today! That's the worst of all savory pies.
And no bananas till you make a poop-ila in the pot-ila.
But what about my Turns out, I really was living "Sixteen Candles" after all.
I can't believe this.
They [bleep.]
forgot my birthday.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was September 26, 1980-something.
Barry was happily engaged, but no one was angrier than his future father-in-law.
Hey, Billy boy.
Here to yell at the kids? Bingo! Hope it's okay, but I've written some really terrible things to say to Barry in order to scare him off.
- You did some homework.
Good on you.
- Yeah.
Full disclosure: I attack his physical appearance in a very un-Christian way.
I mean, it's no way for an adult to speak to a child.
Hey, go big or go home, right? Wrong! All of our anger, guilt, and emotional terror only makes the kids dig in deeper.
We have to rethink our tactics.
With your blessing, I am willing to fistfight your son.
- I mean, something like this.
- An open house? The Goodmans down the street are moving.
I think it's time I show those kids the harsh realities of being actual adults.
And we can put a samurai sword on this wall.
Shark tank, shark tank, shark tank.
Boom! Seven more shark tanks! Bar, where am I gonna hang all my guitars - if every wall is full of swords and sharks? - You're right.
Mom, we're gonna need a bigger, wall-ier house, but we appreciate the offer to buy us this one.
Oh, I'm not buying you this house.
I brought you here to show you how much it would cost you to buy it.
$37,000? Are you friggin' kidding me? We can't afford that.
We're just dumb kids! Exactly.
You're kids without degrees or jobs.
You're not ready to take on this kind of adult responsibility.
Okay, so maybe we can't afford this house with its embarrassing number of walls.
All that matters is I'm crazy in love with this girl right here.
Aw, my big, hairy monster.
We can live in some tiny, shark-tankless apartment, for all I care.
As long as it's me, Lainey, and our four snuggly little kids.
Okay, there is no way I'm gonna let Oh, my God.
Did you say kids? Can you imagine all those cute little Barrys running around? Aww.
- Aww.
- Aww.
Why is she aww-ing with us? - [Mumbles.]
I don't know.
- Little Barrys.
Oh, with the curly hair and the squishy, husky baby body and the not being able to ride the bus to camp 'cause you're so emotionally out of control.
[Gasps.]
Ah! In that moment, Lainey discovered my mom's one true weakness, the promise of grandkids.
That's right! Can you imagine all those cuddly little baby Barrys? I'm imagining it so hard right now.
That's good! But the only way to get them is to get us married.
Oh, no, you're not getting married.
But But how soon could you get married and give me little Barrys? What are we even talking about right now? Bar, we're talking about the sooner we get married, the sooner your mom becomes a Grammy.
Bubby.
Ohh, I want to be a bubby so bad! Ohh! Now I get it.
Would literally kill my friends with envy.
- That's my dream.
- Yes.
This is very exciting, but let's manage expectations.
This baby thing is a ways off.
Yeah, it could be decades.
But it'll for sure happen one day.
Oh, one day is so close.
Oh, I can almost taste the baby in my mouth.
Muh-muh-muh.
Ohh! That's a tasty baby.
Oh, I'm gonna eat your foot.
[Imitates nibbling.]
Baby foot is my favorite! I'm gonna put ketchup on the baby foot.
[Chuckles.]
Told you I could get her on board.
Although I may have concerns she wants to eat our baby.
Come on.
Wait.
They all forgot your birthday? I always thought "Sixteen Candles" was a delightful comedic premise, but when it happens to you, it's more shocking and hurtful.
Well, your family may not love you at all, but guess who does.
Man, you guys just get me.
Even if that isn't my locker.
Wazzat? Who put this old green talking puppet dog on my locker? I-It's Yoda.
- How do you not know Yoda? - He's awesome.
But I refuse to find common ground with you turds.
And here I thought this year, we might actually find our way out of the social basement.
Wait! Maybe you living "Sixteen Candles" can help us.
You're finally under your parents' radar.
Let's use this chance to throw a big-ass birthday rager.
Come on.
We have no idea how to throw a rager.
Lucky for you, John Hughes already taught us.
We're gonna relive all of the classic "Sixteen Candles" party moments.
- Like what? - I'm talking beer-can pyramid.
Pizza on the record player.
Irreparable house damage! Somehow, foam gets in your vents.
Toilet paper trees.
And, obviously, a dweeb will be imprisoned in your glass coffee table.
- But what about - Long Duk Dong? No! There will be no discussion of the Donger.
- I'm trying to - Say he's hilarious? Well, he's not.
Get off your totally warranted soapbox, Dave Kim.
I'm trying to say I'm in.
Sweet! So, where do we begin? No clue, but I do know the coolest person alive who knows everything about throwing a badass bash.
- Erica.
- Erica.
Better.
You want a birthday rager, kiddo? I'll throw you one that'll make you plotz.
Sweet! So, whatcha thinking? We pull out all the stops.
I'm talking martinis, dollar stogies, fan dancers.
Ooh.
I got an in with the Shorty Flanders Trio.
Yeah, we'll go to Erica.
And so I turned to my sister for an electrifying rager.
But turns out Erica was dealing with some electrifying issues of her own.
For the love of crap! I just got the electricity bill, and my dad is gonna kill me.
Okay, calm down.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
It's $906.
"For the love of crap" is right! That's so bad and so wasteful! Excuse you.
How am I wasteful? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe 'cause you and your drummer have incredibly indulgent energy needs? Uh, we have to run the A/C and fans 24/7 'cause our tons of equipment runs, like, super hot.
Yeah, but do you really need the sign? Do you not want people to know the name of our band, unsupportive Geoff? Look, your dad is gonna kill you.
My dad's gonna kill me.
I'm gonna be the most hated kid in this house, even more than Barry, and he's a high-school groom.
Okay, all we gotta do is come up with a mature, - adult way to solve this.
- Erica! I need your help to throw a reckless high-school party that Mom and Dad can never know about.
- I'll do it.
- Seriously? For my special guy? Of course.
Throwing a party is incredibly risky, and if you get caught, Mom and Dad will be livid, and you'll be the worst kid - in the house, not me.
- No, no, I get it.
I can't believe you'll throw me a party.
I thought you forgot all about today.
I don't totally follow, but I'm on it.
First, I'll get Mom and Dad out of town so they won't return tonight and catch you red-handed.
No, I get it.
High school's gonna be as awesome for me as it was for you.
- Thank you, Erica.
- Don't mention it.
This timing could not be more perfect.
No need to look my direction.
I know what's happening.
With that, my legendary party was on.
As for my dad and Bill, they were praying Barry and Lainey's wedding was off.
There's our mad genius.
Did the kids finally learn how terrible marriage is? Better.
I'm gonna be a bubalah, which means we gotta get those kids married right away so I can get me a tasty baby.
A baby?! What kind of backwards, mixed-up talk did you have with those kids? All right, don't get all worked up.
It's not gonna happen right away.
We ran the numbers.
It'll be anywhere from 10 - to three to two years.
- No! Hey, what ever happened to the Bevolution? You know, finding your way without our kids? I hereby suspend the Bevolution.
Viva la Bubby-lution! You can't just put "lution" at the end of a word - and make it be a thing.
- Oh, it's a thing.
And since we're all so excited about it, we should go out and celebrate.
You know the best place to celebrate whatever's happening here? Atlantic City.
It's far enough to get away, but close enough to be home by 10:00 and see what's happening here at the house.
Okay, bye! Yes.
Atlantic City.
That is the perfect place to honor this joyous baby engagement.
What the hell just happened?! She was supposed to scare 'em off with an open house, and now we're eating in another state! I'll tell you what just happened.
Our moron kids are brilliant.
They used the baby card against us.
I hate the baby card.
Also, what's the baby card? I'm so scared and upset, Murray! Why, hello, angry fathers.
Guess who just got Beverly Goldberg on board the wedding train.
Do you know what a can of worms you two just opened by promising that yenta grandbabies? Face it, you lost.
Now that Mom's excited about our foolishly impulsive wedding, you have to accept it.
The curly-haired sack of flour's right.
Beverly Goldberg always gets her way.
- But at what cost? - Yoo-hoo! Look at all this adorable stuff I've had hermetically sealed in the garage.
You're gonna need this, for sure.
It's Barry's baby helmet.
Yay! - Great.
Not only are we having a baby, but its head's gonna be all cattywampus.
Cheese and crackers.
Ooh, look at this sign! Aww! I'm gonna put it in the station wagon - for our trip to AC.
- No need! After all, there is literally no baby on board.
Not yet.
But there is a bubby on board.
With Bubby officially on board, it was Atlantic City or bust! Nothing could stop them.
Meanwhile, my big birthday rager was off with a bang.
It had all the highlights from "Sixteen Candles," but I discovered when it's your house, it's not nearly as fun.
Check us out! We're fancy, big-haired ladies, like your mom.
[Pearls clattering.]
Just when I thought no more damage could be done [Clattering.]
Actual damage was done.
Oh, man.
Bench press got away from me.
That's my bad, Alden.
My name's Adam, and your weightlifting mishap just caused major structural damage to my home.
There's a throw rug up here.
I'll chuck it over the hole.
Why did John Hughes make this seem so whimsical and fun? Help me! I'm a human person! Even Long Duk Dong had more dignity than this! The engagement celebration in Atlantic City was under way, but Lainey's dad wasn't feeling so lucky.
- Dealer has 21 again.
- Why?! Better save some money for the wedding, Bill.
In that case, I'd like to go all-in.
Well, his day's about to get a lot better, because look what I bought in the gift shop.
Oh, wow.
That's for a baby, which is weird 'cause we were very clear that's a long, long way off.
But we blink, and then baby's here, and then there I am, right next to you on my mom cot.
- Mom cot? - Oh, no, not the mom cot.
What does he know? What's a mom cot? It is a cot that sits smack against your bed so when you get tired, you just hand the baby directly to me.
Wait.
You actually expect to sleep in the same room with us? Trust me, you'll be thrilled to have a bed bubby when it comes time for burping, bathing, and poopy diapies.
No way, Mother.
You are never to set foot in our hypothetical home! I have a copy of the key, right, Murray? She made a secret copy.
Barry, can we chat outside? I need some fresh air right now.
Dealer has 21.
I lost 2 grand, and it's still the best thing that happened to me today.
Bill wasn't the only one on a losing streak.
I had completely lost control of my epic party I no longer wanted.
Yo! There's the host with the most.
Hope you're digging your kick-ass party.
For sure, but also, I don't want the party.
- What? - Take the party! It's your party.
You asked for the party, so the party's yours.
- Come on.
We all know it's your party.
- He's right, Erica.
General consensus is, it's your party.
No, no, that can't be the narrative.
It is very important that this is clearly designated as Adam's party.
Hey, everyone, let's give it up for the one person who we all know is definitely throwing this party.
We love you, Alden Goldfinch! - Alden! - Alden! See? They're almost chanting your name.
Enjoy your party.
[Chanting continues.]
You're the man, Alden.
[Music played.]
Okay, your mom is really freaking me out with her cute onesies and "Baby On Board" signs and celebratory casino buffets.
- I'm sorry, but this can't be my life! - What are you saying? I'm saying I love you, but having Beverly Goldberg as a smother-in-law will be an utter nightmare.
No! Don't trust your instincts! Come on.
A romantic pushcart ride will remind you at the end of the day, it's just you and me.
There's my sweet little lovebirds.
[Gasps.]
- Gah! She found us.
- Come on.
Scoot your booties.
- Ow.
You've got to try some of this delicious taffy.
- Can't do it.
- Where's she going? I can't finish this taffy all by myself.
Forget the taffy! You literally just drove away the love of my life.
Don't worry.
Mama will talk to her, and I'll fix everything.
There is no fixing this.
And it's not just Lainey.
Any girl I date will realize you're part of the package and run for the hills.
So, you're saying that I will shake the foundation of all my kids' relationships just 'cause I wanna be a little bit involved? - Is that what you're saying? - Yes.
Mark my words: I will never have babies, which means you'll never be a bubby.
Don't you dare un-bubby me.
Oh, you've been un-bubbied but good.
As Barry was ditching my mom, I was ditching my own party to have some real fun.
What the hell, man? Seriously, what am I looking at right now? The adventurous board game Fireball Island.
No, I mean you made a designated nerd area in the middle of your awesome party.
Yes, and it's your party.
Not according to this sign.
Here, tape it to your chest.
- No, thank you.
I'd rather just hang with my actual friends who know my actual name.
You can't just beg me to throw you an awesome rager - and then give it back.
[Scoffs.]
- Okay, I didn't beg you.
You did it 'cause it's my gift.
Gift? For what? Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Alden Adam Happy birthday to you Oh, I wish I had that information before I did what I did.
- What did you do? - What didn't I do? This is gonna tickle you.
I may have, uh, set you up to distract Dad from my irresponsible energy usage.
- What?! - I didn't know it was your birthday, so if anything, it's on you for having big secrets.
This is not a regular cake, you know.
This thing melts.
How could you do this? The one thing I wanted was to be awesome like you were in high school.
Now all I'll be is some dude named Alden who's grounded for the year.
I messed up, okay? I'll make it all better.
I promise, you can still be awesome just like me.
No.
The last thing I'd ever want is to be some selfish, drop-out loser like you.
You don't mean that.
I really do.
[Music played.]
Adam! Come on, open up.
Yeah, little nerd, open up! This party sucks! After our mom had destroyed Barry's engagement, he figured he didn't have anything else to lose.
Evening.
I'd like a root beer and a marker for $10,000.
Nice try, moron.
You're not old enough to be in here.
Yeah, old enough to steal my little princess and saddle her with a crooked-headed infant.
Actually, Lainey bolted.
She's gone for good.
Hot diggity-dog! I'm the luckiest man alive! I just lost so much money, but I'm walking on sunshine over here! Wait a second.
Lainey's gone? Mom ran her off with her terrible ways.
- I'll help you find her.
- Help him? We're on the one-yard line, Mur.
I'm sorry, but if Barry's gonna break up with Lainey, it's gonna be because he's a moron, not because his mom is an overbearing nudge.
You really believe I can screw this up on my own? I know you can.
Now let's go find Lainey and make this temporarily right.
No, Mur, no! We're so close! Double zeroes! We got a big winner.
Not now! I'm in a crisis here! Please, open up! This ponytail is the source of all my power! Close your eyes.
I got this.
I love you.
Ew.
You're not hot anymore.
Adam, I'm coming in.
Oh, come on! Who am I now?! I'm hideous! Little trick I learned in college.
Well, I locked my door for a reason.
Go away.
Not until you accept my apology.
Why? You don't mean it.
You just feel awful for trying to destroy me with an evil plan on my birthday.
Sure.
But I also feel awful because what you said was true.
All I am is a college dropout who lives at home and mooches off of her parents.
I act like I'm so cool and like I have it all figured out, but you're right.
I'm just a loser.
No.
I don't really think that.
Truth is, all I've ever wanted to be is just like you.
- Really? - Yes! I stupidly idolize you.
I'd love to be cool and have people know my name and have one year of school be as epic as yours was.
Well, it is your birthday.
So I'm on it.
For real this time.
And so my sister gave me the greatest birthday gift of all, a small taste of high-school popularity.
It may not have been your typical rager, but it was mine.
And it was awesome.
'Cause for that one night, everyone knew my name.
Turns out John Hughes was right, turning 16 was a lot sweeter than I thought.
Meanwhile, Lainey had soured on her future with Barry.
Barry, please.
I'm done talking.
Well, then, just listen, 'cause My dad has something he wants to say.
If you're here to call us morons for getting married, there's no need, 'cause it's not gonna happen.
You really think I'm gonna walk through the sand with my bad foot just to call you a moron? Look, if you really love each other, there's nothing you can't survive.
Even the world's worst smother-in-law? Yes.
Because at the end of the day, I know Beverly Goldberg can stay away when it really matters.
And I know it's scary to think of her on your back, but that also means that she has your back.
And trust me, there's no better feeling.
I thought you wanted us to break up.
Why are you trying to help? Because that's what families do, and like it or not, you're always gonna be family.
- And so, thanks to my dad - Come on.
Lainey decided to give Barry another shot.
This time, just the two of them.
Oh! Hey.
What are you guys doing? Really not helping, Mom.
You're terrible.
It's true.
Look, I know I got carried away.
It's just All my babies grew up and don't need me anymore.
But you made me realize it's not fully over.
I-I still have a whole new chapter left, one day.
Well, when it does happen, I hope you're there with me.
On a mom cot? - Mom! - Bevy.
We'll figure it out.
We have time.
You'd think, but it just goes so fast.
And it seems like only yesterday I was in the hospital holding my little Adam in my arms for the first time and Holy crap! We forgot his birthday! We forgot Adam's birthday! This is gonna be a whole thing.
Go, go! Go! Yeah, it wasn't the birthday I expected, and I didn't get the fancy editing machine I'd hoped for, but in the end, I got something much better.
Whatcha doin'? Figured if I was gonna have a "Sixteen Candles" kind of birthday, I might as well see it through.
Well? Did you make a wish? It already came true.
This year's gonna be awesome.
Little did I know, this year really would be one I'd never forget.
Mama's here, Schmoo! I am so, so sorry I forgot your birthday.
No! Don't get on the table! I will never forgive myself [Crash.]
Was that your wish? Happy birthday, dear Adam Happy birthday to you Hooray! I hate to ask you what you wished for.
Probably $3,000 worth of editing equipment.
Happy belated birthday, bro! [Screaming.]
I forgot to give you your gift of one butt-crack busting sub-atomic wedgie.
Sure, just do me a favor and back up a bit so you can get a running start.
You've learned to not struggle.
I see much growth since last year.
[Chuckles.]
Yep, one year really has made me wiser.
Wha? Oh, my God.
What's happening? Help! I'm shrinking! [Gasps.]
Better luck next year.