The Grand Tour (2016) s06e01 Episode Script

1
[theme music playing]
[playful orchestration]
Hello and welcome
to our last-ever Grand Tour.
Because this is the last time that James,
Richard and I will ever work together,
Mr Wilman said
we should do something important.
He said we should each buy
a medium-sized electric car
and then see how many laps
of the M25 we could do in it
on one charge.
And we decided to ignore him
and come here.
[majestic music]
[Richard] Yep.
So, welcome, everyone, to Zimbabwe.
[music continues]
And we won't be driving
crummy electric cars either.
Instead, the three of us
decided that we would simply buy
things we've always wanted.
And that's why I bought this.
It's a Triumph Stag.
[music continues]
[music stops]
I've always loved the Stag.
I've loved it since I was a small boy.
But I never actually
thought I'd own one.
To be honest,
I didn't think I was allowed to own one.
Only people like David Niven
could own a Stag.
I'd never even driven one,
in accordance with the rule
that you should never meet your hero.
But now I have, I'm delighted to say,
it's absolutely lovely.
[60s upbeat music]
Oh yeah.
[James] At this point,
Lewis Collins arrived.
[Richard laughing] Oh yeah!
Yep.
I am now the proud owner
of a three-litre Mark One Ford Capri.
Is it a GT?
No, GXL.
- Why didn't you get a GT?
- 'Cause this is better.
Not really.
[Richard] Before I had a chance
to argue, Clarkson arrived,
having already made a mistake.
[Italian music]
[laughing]
What do you think of that?
Why have you bought a Lancia?
[Jeremy] Because!
Twenty or so years ago,
I used one to drive across Botswana,
and proved
it was the ideal car for Africa.
But it broke down all the time.
Yes, it did.
But, that was front-engined.
This, mid-engined. It's a Montecarlo.
And I've made several modifications
to suit the conditions.
Let me talk you through them, if I may.
At the back here,
308 Ferrari tail lights.
[Richard] They look good.
- [Jeremy] Quad tail pipes.
- [Richard] Nice.
Delta Integrale wheels.
Delta Integrale headlamps and grill.
And then, Lotus Blue paintwork.
Wow. Does any of that
make it more reliable?
And you know we've
been doing this for
112 years.
Yeah, 112 years.
I've learned a few lessons.
So, inside,
I have replaced the leather seats,
which get hot, with cloth seats.
[Richard] Yes.
[Jeremy] And a sort
of Alcantara racing steering wheel.
And, if you look down there,
I've removed the glove box
and replaced it with
- [Richard] Is that a fridge?
- [Jeremy] Yes.
For my cold beverages.
For my zesty drink fridge.
- [James] Wow.
- [Richard] That is actually quite good.
[James] Does any of that
make it more reliable?
No, but I'll be more comfortable.
You will have a cold drink
whilst you wait at the side of the road.
It makes the many breakdowns
more bearable.
- [James] No, it's pretty.
- [Jeremy] It is absolutely breathtaking.
[James] It's beautiful.
I've modified my Capri too,
before shipping it here.
- [Jeremy] Have you?
- [Richard] I've painted the bonnet black.
Because, look at it, it's beautiful.
- Is it a GT?
- No, GXL.
- Why didn't you get a GT?
- [Richard] 'Cause this is better.
- It isn't.
- [Richard] Well, it is. It's like a GT,
which is good,
but with more, which is better.
- [Jeremy] Mm-hmm.
- What?
[Jeremy] I remember that from the GXL
'cause they had put
the wood-look dashboard in it.
[James] Correct.
- We've discussed this in the past.
- We have.
The GT is for sport,
the GXL is for meetings.
This is exactly right. You need
to understand your Ford-badge hierarchy.
My dad had a GXL Cortina
because he was a managing director.
My dad had a GXL Cortina.
- Both of your
- [James] Manager?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- Both of your dads, powerful,
influential men who picked
from the very top of the tree.
- And you know
- [Jeremy laughing]
You know how
it's almost become a running joke,
my stereo has never worked
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[Richard] On any one of these trips
we've done. Well, this time, it does.
["Mark One Ford Capri"
by The Deads playing]
[Richard] Bear with.
Wait for the lyrics.
I used to be a DJ, I can do this.
Here they come. Now.
Mark One Ford Capri ♪
"Mark One Ford Capri." Voilà.
It's got everything I need ♪
"Got everything I need."
Which it has because it's a GXL.
- I do like a Capri.
- [Richard] You've got to, it's the law.
Everybody likes a Capri.
- Modifications, James, to your Stag?
- None.
- [Jeremy and Richard] What?
- None whatsoever.
- [James] Why would you?
- Wait a minute.
You're not telling me
it's still got the original engine?
[James] It has.
Mr Clarkson raises a good point there!
It's not every single Stag,
but most Stags, I would guess,
have had the original engine taken out
and the Rover V8 put in.
- [James] Yes.
- Which is more reliable.
Yeah. The original Triumph Stag V8
is incredible
because it's found
so many ways of overheating
and destroying itself,
'cause it's not just one.
Casting sand left in the blocks fills
the galleyways and then, bang, overheats.
They overbored it. They bored it out
which made all the waterways smaller.
- So it overheats and goes back.
- Yeah. That's two ways.
The clever thing is,
two banks of cylinders.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- V8.
They only put a temperature sender
on one bank.
So at least you don't know
when it's overheating.
So if the other bank overheated,
the first you'd know of it was the bang.
- If you're on an aeroplane.
- Yeah.
Being piloted directly
at some mountains.
- [Richard] Would you want to know?
- Actually, probably not.
[Richard] Why would you wanna know?
You're having your gin and tonic,
watching a movie, having a nice time
Boom. Nothing
I don't wanna raise that submarine,
'cause that's sick. They didn't know!
At least it's the last programme
we'll ever do!
- Well, I mean
- We don't give a [bleeped] anymore!
How much solace did we take
from the fact that they didn't know?
It was, "Oh, we're having a nice time
under the sea" Boom.
Yeah, exactly.
You can write, call us,
by all means, to complain.
But you'll get a recorded
message saying:
"We are not interested in your call."
Or simply dial 0800 Bugger Off.
[Richard] "We're not here anymore!"
We're not even there!
[Jeremy] We can say whatever we want.
How do you open the bonnet on this?
- [James] Round this side.
- Look at the wear on that handle.
[laughing]
It's worn the badge off
with the picture of a bonnet over it.
[Jeremy laughing]
- Pull it from the middle.
- Shit, it is the original Triumph engine.
[Richard whispering] That's a rarity.
Ladies and gentlemen, come and look.
It's the last time you're gonna see that.
Original but still shit.
- [phone chiming]
- [Jeremy] Oh wait, a text.
- Oh, Mr Wilman.
- [James] Oh.
Oh, Lord.
[chuckling]
"Now that you've charged your electric
cars, report to South Mimms Services."
[laughing]
He doesn't know we're here.
He doesn't, no, he doesn't!
And it doesn't matter anyway,
because, actually,
we've already worked out
a challenge on our own.
We are currently
on the far eastern side of Zimbabwe,
and we're gonna travel
1,200 miles to the far western side.
And that's it.
That's it!
- Just one thing still concerns me.
- What?
[Richard] Mountains? All that.
[Jeremy] Well, I'm not worried because,
let's not forget,
this spawned the 037 Lancia,
which was the last two-wheel-drive car
to win the World Rally Championship,
beating the Audi Quattro.
There wasn't a lot of that in it,
was there?
Well
What they actually did was
they said we can make this the basis
of a fantastic rally car
with a few modifications,
and they cut the badge off there,
and then everything
from there backwards was new.
[Jeremy] With no further ado, we
fired up our fifty-year-old sports cars
and set off to cross
the rugged heart of Africa.
["Bargain" by The Who playing]
So, for the last time
here we go.
[music continues]
[Richard] This is the perfect car
for me to take on this trip.
My first car was nearly a Capri.
It was advertised in the local paper.
I kept the picture
of it next to the till
in the petrol station
where I worked in Ripon.
I was just coming on 18.
It was gonna be my first car.
My parents were buying it for me.
But when we inspected it,
it turned out to have been stolen.
So I got
an old 1976 Toyota Corolla instead.
For a trip like this,
this car is perfect. It's light.
It's just a shade over a metric ton.
Plenty of grunt and power.
[engine rumbling]
Three-litre Essex V6 up front.
Rear-wheel drive.
Brakes. Pft That's it!
I love that the rev counter
says 1,000, 2,000, 3,000.
It doesn't work, but if it did,
you'd see it indicated in thousands.
'Cause that sounds better.
[upbeat music]
Back in the 80s, I never used to drive
into Central London on the M4 motorway.
I always used
the old Great West Road instead,
because on the Great West Road,
there was a car dealership
called the Chequered Flag
and sometimes in the window,
they'd have a Montecarlo.
And if there was one,
I'd pull over and stare at it,
for hours, dreaming.
And now I'm in one.
And it's mine.
It's mine!
[children cheering]
[soft music]
[James] As for me,
I had just one thing to say.
Triumph Stag.
Holy Moly, look at that view!
[Jeremy] I don't know what it is
but something
is making we want a cup of tea.
[engine rumbling]
[Richard] What
What's that about?
Oh, you're joking.
[Richard over radio] Chaps? No other way
to put this, I'm breaking down.
I'm sorry?
- [Richard over radio] Oh.
- [James] Well, this is exciting.
[ignition failing]
It's extraordinary because the Capri
has the same number of moving parts
as this bottle of water.
How can you possibly
break down in a Capri?
[ignition failing]
- [Jeremy] Oh, I know what that is.
- What?
The engine's not working.
- I think it's the engine as well.
- Yeah.
- [James] And we're experts.
- Mine was the first bonnet to go up.
- What would we do in this situation?
- [Jeremy] Well, let's think.
[James] What would we normally do?
[Richard groaning]
Lean on the car.
- That's very hot.
- [Jeremy] Just for once.
Shall we change
the habit of a lifetime?
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] And help him.
[Richard] Yes, for once.
I'm gonna say no.
[James honking] Bye!
Still a bastard, after all these years.
[children cheering]
Right, 15 miles we've done,
and we're down to two men.
[Jeremy] Oh! One thing.
It's not just the Ford
that has its own music.
This does as well.
Time, I think, to treat myself
to a little bit of Struggle Jennings
and "Monte Carlo". Here we go.
["Monte Carlo"
by Struggle Jennings playing]
Some young souls on a lonely road ♪
Had no fathers to follow ♪
Monte Carlo ♪
Monte Carlo ♪
[Jeremy]
A few miles later, though,
a new instrument joined in
with the rhythm section,
and it wasn't very rhythmical.
[engine rumbling]
A little misfire there.
Misfire.
[engine purring and rattling]
Misfire. Misfire. Cows.
[chuckling]
This is just shit.
[James over radio] There's a big puff
of smoke coming from your car now.
[Jeremy] Oh, Christ Almighty.
Yeah
Smoke, fire.
[James] It's the engine.
Yeah. Hmm
Yeah.
I'd love to help, but I don't know much
about the Italian Twin-Cam engines,
and mine is working perfectly.
[Jeremy] If you break down
who's gonna leave you behind?
Well, that's my biggest worry.
I'll have to leave myself behind.
[engine starting]
[James honking]
[James] Temperatures and pressures good.
Only one car is still going,
a full 32 miles into the journey.
Stag.
[tool cranking]
[Richard] Several miles back,
I'd managed to work out that
the Capri's issue was the fuel pump.
[Richard] Slight problem here.
I've never seen inside
one of these when it is working
to know how it should look and how
it should compare with when it isn't.
[honking]
[men speaking indistinctly]
[Jeremy] Meanwhile,
I had deployed my genius
and already worked out
how to solve the Lancia's problem.
[Jeremy] This thing
on the end was loose.
If I tighten that up,
that'll spark properly
and the misfire will go away,
and the unburnt fuel
will stop getting into the exhaust pipe
and catching fire
and setting fire to my Lancia.
[engine starting]
[engine purring and rattling]
A ticking sound. What's that ticking?
- [electric shock]
- Ow! [bleeped]
[Jeremy] As I am used
to being electrocuted these days,
I used my genius again,
replaced the HT leads
[rock music]
And soon, I was underway.
Oh! She purrs like a kitten.
Oh yes.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] I set off in pursuit of James,
not sure which was more surprising,
the quality of the road
or the endlessly changing scenery.
These are pine trees!
In Africa.
We were literally on a tea plantation
and now there are pine trees.
If someone beamed
me into there and said,
"Where are you in the world?"
you'd say Scotland.
[Jeremy] By the time
I caught up with James
[Jeremy over radio] James May!
[Jeremy] He was
in the foothills of the mountains,
where the lovely road
soon became a dirt track.
Well, I knew that was too good to last.
[James] Dust, dust.
Agh!
[Jeremy] My mouth is filling with dust.
[Jeremy] But then I remembered
that for the first time ever,
we were in control of our destiny.
Stop. Stop whenever we want.
Mr Wilman's not here. Brilliant.
No point driving beyond
Well, it's four o'clock now.
[Jeremy] A few miles later,
we saw a sign to some lodgings,
dropped Hammond a pin,
and decided to knock off for the day.
I don't imagine this'll be
the best hotel in the world.
I mean, we are in the
middle of Zimbabwe,
in the middle of a forest
on top of a mountain.
But, you know
[Jeremy] Thankfully, I was wrong.
Very wrong.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] It's even
a perfect temperature, isn't it?
[James] Hmm
- [Jeremy] It's pretty special, isn't it?
- [James] It's not bad.
[Jeremy] You see those mountains there,
the far ones? They're Mozambique.
There was always a reason
why we couldn't come to Zimbabwe.
All those years we were at the BBC,
you couldn't come here
because the BBC was banned.
Yeah.
'Cause if you think about today,
we got up in a very agreeable place.
- [James] Mm-hmm.
- Drove on a very agreeable road.
- Yep.
- [Jeremy] To a very agreeable hotel.
It's better than Mr Wilman's idea,
isn't it?
Why have we listened to him
all these years?
[James] I don't know.
Although he will argue that,
without his presence,
two of the cars went wrong
within the first 25 miles.
[Jeremy] That, then, got us nattering
about our cars' stats.
I was quite surprised how much we paid.
You paid, James May,
as I'm sure you know, 26,500 pounds.
I did.
Richard Hammond, for his GXL,
the wrong Capri, 25,000 pounds.
- Really?
- [Jeremy] 25 for a GXL.
For a knackered Capri?
- Montecarlo.
- Mm-hmm?
79,050.
- Bargain.
- [Jeremy] That is a bargain.
Ours are 0 to 60,
in give or take nine seconds.
Hammond's, give or take eight seconds.
- Well, not at the moment.
- [Jeremy] No.
[Richard] Happily,
I was now on the move.
But on the dirt road,
I was starting to worry
that the Capri
hadn't been the wisest choice.
Mark One for Capri ♪
[Richard] Ah!
That was a bit groundy-outy.
[Richard] With hindsight,
I should have gone for something
with better ground clearance
than a 1974 three-litre
Ford Capri Mark One GXL.
And that would include pretty
much anything, as it turns out.
I think it's time for me
to just clear the windscreen a bit.
[windscreen wipers screeching]
Oh. Oh no, that Oh.
Ow!
[loud thud]
- [engine rumbling]
- Oh.
Er, I've just removed my exhaust.
And there is literally
nothing I can do about that right now.
[bird chirping]
[Richard] Predictably,
when I finally arrived,
my colleagues
were brimming with sympathy.
We stopped work at four o'clock.
- Did you?
- [James and Jeremy] Yes.
In the sunshine, at four o'clock.
It was quite warm then. Less so now.
- We've had eight of these.
- Yeah. Can I have one of those?
- [Jeremy] They've just run out.
- [Richard laughing] Have they?
- [Jermey] It's incredible.
- [Richard] Right.
[James] He's gone to the shops.
Unfortunately, they're 30 miles away.
[clanking]
[Jeremy] After not having a beer
[tools squeaking]
Hammond ruined the nocturnal
African soundtrack
Ooh!
[squeaking]
[Jeremy] By noisily
sorting out his exhaust.
[squeaking continues]
And the next morning,
James ruined the dawn chorus
by turning into Mrs Overall.
[hoover wheezing]
- [Richard] Morning.
- Morning.
Erm, how empty does your mind
have to be for you to think
"I could look at the view
and listen to the birdsong
but instead I'm going to vacuum my car"?
I've been up for four hours, looked at
the view and listened to the birdsong,
and now I've made
this thing of beauty more beautiful.
- [text message]
- Ooh, hang on, sorry.
Guess what?
- A text from Mr Wilman.
- [Richard] Go on.
Ooh, he's cross.
- Has he rumbled us?
- I think so.
"Right. I've just found out you've taken
three classic cars to Zimbabwe.
And as it's fairly certain
one of them will break down"
- Oh dear.
- [Richard] Yep.
"I've asked my local contacts
to send you a backup car."
Really?
- [Richard stuttering]
- [Jeremy] Gotta be.
[Richard] Oh
[Jeremy] Oh, God.
Oh!
Oh, shit!
It's awful!
[James] Is it?
I haven't seen one for years, actually.
- [Richard] It is
- It's a vase.
[James] Oh, I forgot about the vase.
You're supposed to put a little flower
in it because you're a hippie.
Well, I'll tell you what. You know that
village just coming five miles back?
- Yeah?
- Why don't I take this into the village
and I'll sell it or give it away?
I'll get rid of it.
Yes, get rid.
Do you want something
to put over your head?
[all chuckling]
[Richard] It's the
definition of hateful.
[Jeremy] Just round the corner,
though, things went terribly wrong.
[engine rattling]
Hammond, I am in a
right old pickle here.
What's happened?
I've had the most
extraordinary accident, okay?
I lost it, and I've ended up here
on this cliff edge.
- [Jeremy] Look.
- [Richard] Oh yeah.
And it gets worse.
A brick is now on the accelerator,
the engine's screaming away,
it's in gear,
it's in first,
and there's a broom handle
holding the clutch pedal down
'cause it's wedged against the seat.
Wait, so everything's okay?
Well, yes. Except, somehow,
God knows where it came from,
a bit of rope
has attached itself at one end
to the broom handle
and at the other end to that dog.
Jesus!
Now, at the moment,
the situation is stable.
But, over there,
as you can see,
James May is opening a tin of dog food.
Now, if the dog sees that,
we're in a world of trouble.
And I just don't know what to do.
I can't think of a solution.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I've got a plan.
No, it won't work.
Have you got anything?
I've got nothing.
[dog panting]
Don't notice James May.
Don't notice James. Look at me.
[suspenseful music]
No, don't. Look at me.
Oh no!
[rattling]
It's still going, isn't it?
[Jeremy laughing] It's still going!
I think it's finished.
That's quite a big accident.
Well, look at it this way.
At least Mr Wilman now has his trailer.
[James] We didn't need
Mr Wilman's wretched backup car anyway,
because we'd brought our own.
[James] And here it is,
a Rover SD1 Vanden Plas EFi.
190 horsepower of golden glory.
It is golden glory.
And it's golden glory everywhere.
Oh it is, yes.
Whoever resprayed this
did a magnificent job.
- Yeah.
- He didn't just spray the body.
- [Jeremy] Even the aerial there.
- [Richard] I have covered this car.
But it is still magnificent.
It's the only time we've had
a backup car that we'd like to be in.
We all like it.
My grandfather had one of these.
My dad had one. Two, in fact.
There was one of them in one drive
on a suburban street in Birmingham.
And we would go silent
as we walked past it out of respect.
And, the really good thing is,
from your point of view,
the engine from this,
as we know because almost every Stag
owner in the world has already done it,
fits perfectly into your car.
Can I suggest a modification that
you and I, Jeremy, make to this car?
Mm-hmm?
A little padlock on the bonnet.
[Richard] Just so that
We'll have the key.
When you need the engine,
which you will, ask.
Or we could find the man
who did this bit of welding.
- [Richard] It's beautiful.
- [James] Ooh, that's good.
[Jeremy] And weld the bonnet shut.
- Actually, that's probably the factory.
- [Jeremy laughing]
Yeah, probably
how it came out of Longbridge!
[in a Birmingham accent]
"I think I'll finish that now, hey."
[in a Birmingham accent]
"You can't see it. Look. Gone."
[epic music]
[James] With Golden Glory
taking up the rear,
we set off west once more
in our quest to get over the mountains.
[tense music]
[men chanting]
[James] Hey, look at this.
These are road-repair people
but they're having an impromptu
sort of dance-club thing.
I wish road workers
back at home did that.
But I suppose they'd have to be
there to start with, wouldn't they?
[tense music]
It's going down a bit now.
[Jeremy] Having done a bit of paddling,
we started to climb.
And the incredible
Zimbabwean landscape changed once again.
Look at that, meadows. You expect
to see cows with bells on them.
And Julie Andrews, giving it
"Doe A Deer" and all the rest of it.
So we've done tea plantation
and now we're in Austria.
[epic music]
[Jeremy] Then, it changed again.
What? Hold on a minute.
To my right,
the most spectacular valley
I've ever seen in my life.
To my left
Ireland.
[music continues]
I know what happened.
God had done
all the other countries in the world
and he'd got to the end of the alphabet,
he got to Z,
he got to Zimbabwe,
and he thought,
right, this is gonna be my best work,
this is gonna be my greatest hits.
You've got "Your Song",
"Tiny Dancer", "Bennie and the Jets".
It's stunning.
And it just changes all the time.
[epic music]
[Richard] Sadly, in my low-slung Capri,
I couldn't look at the view
because I was too busy
looking at the road surface.
[grunting]
[rumbling]
They didn't drive Capris this way
in The Professionals, as I recall.
It was all a bit more lively.
[Richard grunting]
I'm enjoying this. It's fun.
You know, it's what I wanna do.
Oh my God, look at that one.
[grunting]
[Jeremy] I was suffering
none of Hammond's problems
because my little Lancia
had been a sensible choice.
[engine purring]
This really is the ideal car
for rough-road African exploration
because the engine is behind me,
so there's no prop shaft,
there are no exhausts,
there's nothing
to snag on the road surface.
[Jeremy] I could therefore push on
at a respectable lick
until something
did snag on the road surface.
- [banging]
- Oh. F [bleeped] hell.
That was a big one.
What is that?
These are bits of Lancia. Oh, joy!
[Richard chuckling]
Thank you, thank you. I needed that.
I do need that. Thank you.
[James] Oh
Do you not want us to go down the front?
No, there's nothing to see
at the front of my car.
Because there's no front of your car!
But this is all I need.
With a bit of superglue.
'Cause we're tenting tonight.
Nothing to do when you're tenting
other than glue your car back together.
[Richard] We continued onwards.
- [rattling]
- Oh, God.
Wow, that was a thumb breaker.
[Richard] And then, once again,
we stopped continuing onwards.
- [rattling]
- Oh, [bleeped].
[Richard] Oh no.
[metal rattling]
[Richard over radio]
I think my exhaust has come off again.
[James chuckling]
[James] Having a spot of bother, sir?
That is an extended exhaust system.
[James] Very low. You'll catch that
on the ground if you're not careful.
Why can't you just drive up the road
like the rest of us are?
I can't drive with it like that.
I need to remove it.
[Jeremy] Have you played your Capri
music, would that cheer you up?
Ba, ba, Ford Capri ♪
"It's got everything I need
except the exhaust pipe."
[Jeremy laughing]
[Richard] I need, I'm gonna say,
a 11 mm spanner.
[Jeremy] Oh, now, hang on.
I've got some antibiotics,
for something I don't have any more.
- [Richard] I don't think
- [Jeremy] I've got this, Hammond.
- Bernie Taupin's autobiography.
- I've heard that's really good.
Very good. I'm reading it.
Would that help you?
[Richard] I don't think
it would actually help, no.
I'm gonna say, again, 11 mm spanner.
[clanking]
What's particularly irritating is
this car was in brilliant condition
when I bought it.
- [Jeremy] Yes!
- [Richard] I mean, genuinely.
- [Jeremy] So was that Rimac.
- [Richard and James laughing]
[James] Low blow. Very good.
That was a bit harsh!
But I can't deny it's true.
It was, yeah, until then.
[James] Eager to reach the top
of the mountain before nightfall,
we left our colleague behind.
Honestly, if Richard Hammond
was a block of flats, he'd be condemned.
[clanking]
[Richard] Mother [bleeped]! Come on!
[Jeremy] Further ahead,
the climb was starting to get so tough
you'd think twice
about taking a Land Rover up it,
leave alone a brittle
Italian sports car.
- [rattling]
- [Jeremy] Oh, God, bloody stone there.
We started at 6,000 feet.
We must be pushing 7,000 or 8,000 now.
Agh! I can't even get it into second.
It's so steep.
- [clanking]
- [Jeremy grunting]
I mean, the fact of the matter is,
if you drive relentlessly uphill
in first gear
at the beginning of the African summer,
a car is likely to overheat.
And it is
[rumbling]
Oh my God.
[Richard grunting]
[grunting]
[grunting]
Right. Erm, I fixed it.
Well, when I say "fixed",
quite a lot of it
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry [laughing]
[engine starting]
We're back on the road now, Essex.
[in an Essex accent]
Let's go.
[Richard] Ooh.
Get you to camp this evening.
We can have
a nice old session putting you right.
Oof!
[Jeremy] Whilst Hammond
was missing another sunset,
James and I reached the summit
of the mountain and decided, yet again,
that we'd had enough for the day.
[opening a can]
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Oh. That's nice.
[Jeremy] And after enjoying
a refreshing golden-hour beer,
I set about reassembling
the Lancia's face.
[James] This is like watching a dog
try to learn a card trick.
A little bit of glue
and this is literally as good as new.
[James] By the time
Hammond reached our campsite,
it was completely dark.
[Jeremy and James laughing]
[Richard] Oh Right.
[Jeremy laughing]
This is the most woeful arrival!
[James laughing]
[Jeremy] 22 years. You'd think
we'd know how to do it. But no.
Here he comes.
With one and a half headlamps!
[Richard] Essex is here!
[James] Hammond, however,
wasn't the only one having problems.
[Richard] Were you having a nice moment?
Well, no, I'm not having
a very nice moment.
[James] No, he's glued his finger
to the table.
[Jeremy] I've glued myself
to the table with superglue.
[Richard] Yeah?
[Jeremy] How do you drive
a Lancia Montecarlo
when you've got a table glued
to your finger?
Are you going to glue Oh, I see!
[James] You could slide a razor blade
between your finger and the table.
It's a bit risky.
- [Jeremy] Can you?
- [James] Yeah.
But very carefully.
Would you like me to do it for you?
James, he's glued the tip of his finger.
[Jeremy] No, my fingerprint.
[James] Well, it's the sort of pad.
So if you cut it at the first joint
- [Jeremy] Thank you, Hammond.
- Have I misunderstood?
[James] Then we could graft
a biro onto it.
- [Richard] Lovely.
- Then he'd always have a pen.
Or a bottle opener! [laughing]
- [Richard and James laughing]
- I'm not listening to you.
[laughing]
Replace it with a corkscrew!
[James] Opener o'nuckle.
"Oh, brilliant."
[Richard imitating a corkscrew]
Doink.
[laughing]
This is the first time I've ever glued
anything to anything, ever.
I'll get this off.
Can we just cut, please?
- Yeah, I can cut.
- Ooh. Interesting.
- I can cut.
- Give me that. Give me that.
It's Mark Sowerman's new knife.
He's very, very proud of it.
- [Jeremy] Yes, I'm not interested.
- It's incredibly sharp.
[Jeremy] Good.
How sharp is Ooh.
Yes, it's "Ooh", it is.
[Richard] Ah, but look how much
[Jeremy] Ah-ha, this is working!
Do we look like one of those Dutch
paintings with businessmen in big hats?
It's working. It's working.
- [Jeremy] Look.
- [James] This is in the trailer.
Definitely.
- [Jeremy] Look at that!
- [James] Yes! There you go!
[Richard] A grown man unglued his finger
from the table.
[Jeremy] Mark?
I've glued your knife to the table.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] The next morning, after
a terrible and cold night under canvas,
I proudly showed off my workmanship.
Look how well a job I've done there.
[James] I thought you'd got
a new part from a shop.
- [Richard] Where is the repair?
- [Jeremy] The brackets that hold it on.
- Yes?
- They're brok-ed.
So I need to find some place
where I can buy
basically new brackets and bolts and
things to get it fastened back on again.
[soft country music]
[rattling]
I feel I ought to apologise, viewers,
for having a slightly boring car.
The others spend their evenings,
you know, putting exhaust pipes back on,
making a jigsaw puzzle
out of a front bumper.
All I can really do
is give mine a bit of a clean.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] Still,
at least we were now going downhill.
And soon, things got even better.
[Jeremy] Oh yes.
Look at this.
Look at it.
Oh!
There is a God.
And God has provided tarmac.
[soft music]
It's good 'cause now we're on a road
we can actually look at
Why did my windscreen wipers go on then?
[Jeremy] What this meant is
we'd crossed the Irish Alps
and entered actual Africa.
[Jeremy] It's completely changed again,
the terrain.
Look at that.
Jesus wept, it's pretty.
We're on a Star Trek set now.
Oh, look at the red
Look at that acacia
with the red flowers.
[Jeremy] And then
we saw something even better.
Ooh!
[Richard] I love a scrapyard.
[Jeremy] We pulled in to see
if they had the spare parts we needed.
But soon we were distracted
by all the treasures.
[Jeremy] This is a very good test
of our motoring knowledge.
[James] Is that a Cresta behind that?
[Jeremy] I think it is.
A Cresta shooting brake.
[James] Shooting brake.
[Jeremy] As my mother
always used to call them.
In what special
did you drive one of these?
- Bolivia! Yeah!
- [James] He's right.
[Jeremy] He's remembered something!
That genuinely is worth restoring.
- [Richard] It's gorgeous.
- [Jeremy] Hey, look at this one.
- That's an Austin Cambridge!
- It is indeed an Austin Cambridge.
[Richard] With writing.
What's that? RSR.
That means it was
when this was Rhodesia.
- [Jeremy] Oh, is that what it means?
- Yeah, so that's been off the road
- a long time.
- [James] That's been there a while.
[Jeremy] Excuse me?
Are you trying to make this go?
[mechanic] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Yes?
- Nearly there.
[all laughing]
- [Richard] Good luck.
- Nearly there.
[Richard] Yeah, nearly there.
Erm, you may think it's a joke.
The best-selling car in Zimbabwe
in the sort of 60s was?
Where do they It was French.
- Four, Renault Four.
- [Richard] Oh!
- There is one over there.
- Yes, there, look.
[Jeremy] Yeah, Renault Four. Do you know
what the 5th best-selling car was?
- The Lancia Montecarlo?
- It wasn't a Lancia Montecarlo, was it?
- Close.
- I'll bet it was an Alfa Romeo.
Alfa Romeo Giulia.
Was it?
- That's 'cause they made them here.
- They made them in South Africa.
- [James] In South Africa, rather, yeah.
- And a friend of mine's dad
ran the Ford factory in Harare.
And they used to smuggle parts of Alfas
out of South Africa
and then build Alfas
in the Ford factory and sell them!
- As Alfas?
- Yeah, as Alfas.
But they also used to build them
in the French factories here.
There were Alfa Romeos running here that
Alfa Romeo didn't know they'd built.
But all the VIN numbers would be wrong.
VIN numbers, VIN numbers!
I'm just saying.
[soft acoustic music]
[Jeremy] Annoyingly, the scrapyard
didn't have any bumper mounts
for a Lancia Montecarlo
or exhaust brackets
for a 1974 Capri GXL.
So Hammond decided
to bodge another repair,
while I took the roof off my Montecarlo.
- [Jeremy] The air con is just useless.
- [James] Is it?
Honestly, it's like being
in the Black Hole of Calcutta in there.
You can't say that.
- [James] Er
- Why not?
[James] I just don't think you can.
Well, all right, if you object to me
saying the "Black Hole of Calcutta"
- [James] I don't object to it.
- Not you.
I'm talking to the ladies and gentlemen
at home. If anybody wants to write in
and say they object to that,
you go right ahead.
I'm gone. I'm done.
- [James] Can you just pull the lever?
- Dial
It's 0800 Off Sod.
Off Sod. And then
you'll get a recorded message saying:
- "We do not value your call."
- Yes, "Your call is not important to us."
[chuckling] "Your call Your"
Just pull the lever again 'cause
there's another little latch bit here.
- Here?
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] Look!
- [James] Yes, there you go.
- [Jeremy] The thing has disintegrated.
How did you make?
And then what happens?
[Jeremy] Well, I think
[James] Well, why does that bit?
That doesn't But how does that
But why does that bit unlatch then?
- [Jeremy] Do these now just clip back
- [James] Oh wait. If that goes
- [Jeremy] Do you think this goes under?
- [James] I do.
- Like that?
- [James] Yeah.
Well, to stop Oh, I see. Oh.
- [James] Ah!
- [Jeremy] There. No.
- But nearly.
- But possibly.
- There you go.
- Do you think that's?
And in just 24 minutes,
we've converted the Lancia
Montecarlo into a convertible.
James, thank you for your help.
[Jeremy] We then had a gossip
about our colleague.
Captain Exhaust Pipe
is going to attempt,
apparently,
to put straight-through exhausts.
- Oh really?
- Out of the side of the car.
So he'll have basically like stacks,
like a Kenworth truck.
Well, I've got a suggestion.
- [Jeremy] We leave him behind.
- Yes, exactly.
I also don't like people with tattoos.
These fully-grown men
go and draw on themselves.
I've noticed. It's the name
of his programme he does.
The Smallest Cog.
He's had his television
Well, what happens
when that gets canned?
I mean, what if I'd had Top Gear
tattooed on my arm?
[Jeremy] Yes, exactly.
He'll have to cross it out and write
"I'm appearing as Buttons
at Swindon Wyvern."
- Yeah, which is a lot of work.
- Which he will be, one day.
- Write "Buttons."
- Or maybe just "Buttons," yeah.
- Put it there, really.
- [Jeremy laughing] Buttons!
[Jeremy] After this,
the Ghosts of Christmas Future set off.
- See you, Hammond.
- Yeah.
[Richard] Bye.
Happy travels.
[upbeat music]
[saw whirring]
[Jeremy] While Hammond banged
and clanged away,
James and I headed
towards the capital city of Harare.
["Monte Carlo"
by Struggle Jennings playing]
And now we were on tarmac,
we made good time getting there.
[music continues]
[soft rock music]
[people whistling and cheering]
I'm gonna miss driving
through cities like this.
God, they're colourful and fun.
[Jeremy over radio]
Check out the policeman, James.
[Jeremy laughing]
Look at him! He's magnificent!
[Jeremy over radio] Is he having
any effect at all on the traffic?
[James over radio] No,
but he cheers everybody up immensely.
[Jeremy] As we headed for the
city centre, we came across a market.
A big one.
Jesus, this is enormous.
[people whistling and cheering]
[Jeremy honking]
Okay!
[Jeremy] And soon, I had an idea.
[Jeremy over radio] Right, as this is
the last time we ever work together,
shall we see
if we can help Richard Hammond
and see if we can actually buy him
an exhaust pipe for his car?
Yeah, okay, why not.
[Jeremy] To speed up the shopping,
I fired up another modification,
my onboard public-address system.
[high pitch buzz]
[over PA] Does anybody have
an exhaust system for a Ford Capri
Mark One three-litre GXL?
[Jeremy over radio]
On the left, exhaust systems.
[James over radio] Oh yes.
[Jeremy over radio] Do you think
any of them will fit a Mark One V6 GXL?
I expect they'll fit as well
as the ones that are currently on there.
[chuckling]
[clanking]
[Richard] And on that point,
many miles back
[wrench clanking]
Like a glove.
[chuckling]
Sidewinder! Yeah!
[engine roaring]
[Richard laughing]
That sounds even better!
[revving]
Road Warrior coming through. Oh yeah.
[honking and chatting]
[James] We were now on foot
as we searched for an exhaust.
[Jeremy] Shock-absorbers shop, look.
Shocks and springs.
Tail lights.
- They have got your names in the paper.
- [Jeremy] Huh?
They have got your names in the paper.
[Jeremy] Oh shit.
[James] We're in the paper? Oh wow!
[Jeremy] We are literally
front-page news.
"Top Gear legends."
- Yeah, look.
- Here we are again.
[Jeremy] You see, "Superstars
who they made their name in Top Gear"
and then blew it.
"The most recognisable figures when
it comes to motoring on television."
That's a narrow band.
- [James] Yeah, it is a bit.
- [Jeremy chuckling]
[James] Look, this is getting
more promising.
[James] I think it's fair to say
that if our colleague had known
we were exhaust shopping,
he'd have been very grateful.
[engine roaring loudly]
Okay, I'll be honest, had enough now.
[roaring continues]
[Richard] Darkness had fallen by the time
I arrived at our peaceful boutique hotel.
[engine roaring loudly]
[Richard] Chaps!
- Well done!
- [Jeremy] Have you had a rotten day?
- [Richard] Aw! Thank you.
- I've got you a beer.
But I think more important than that
And yes, it is a correct set, look.
- For the GXL.
- It is for the GXL.
- I don't wanna be
- Not the GT.
- Is this a cruel joke?
- [Jeremy and James] No.
- Really?
- [James] Yeah.
[Richard] Oh, my God!
Look what that means!
- Feel that.
- Quiet.
[Jeremy] It means you're
getting no sleep tonight.
[Richard] Oh, I don't care!
Hammond, it doesn't stop there.
- [Richard] What?
- It doesn't stop there.
This is embarrassing now
but I'm very grateful.
Oh, my Lord.
- Oh, my Lord!
- [Jeremy] That's a rear spoiler.
- Not just any rear spoiler.
- No, but a Richard Grant rear
- You remember Richard Grant spoilers?
- [Richard] The actor?
[Jeremy] No, well
That's the thing,
the Richard Grant spoilers were on XR2s
all through the 70s and 80s.
Turns out Richard E. Grant,
who did Withnail and I
- He did!
- [Jeremy] He did. He then started
a car accessory business.
But because he didn't want
to damage his acting career,
he dropped the "E".
[Richard] Chaps, er,
this is genuinely all spectacular news
and I'm very, very happy.
So you can fit that tonight.
[Richard] I feel terrible.
I haven't got you any
Of course you haven't got me anything.
I haven't got you any gifts.
When have you ever,
you two, ever bought me
You bought me
a shit oil painting in Vietnam.
- It was lovely!
- [Jeremy] Shit.
And you've never bought me anything.
- Have I never bought you anything?
- [Jeremy] Never.
- Have I never bought you a gift?
- [Jeremy] No!
[Jeremy] I bought you a galleon
in Vietnam to put on your motorcycle.
[Jeremy] That night,
we polished our cars,
did all the necessary repairs
[upbeat music]
And then met up for the sort of
breakfast Mr Wilman never provided.
[Jeremy] Is that my coffee?
[James] Yes.
- You ordered me a coffee?
- Yes.
It's nearly a present.
- Hey.
- What.
I went to the bar last night.
- Yeah?
- Got talking to a man.
And I bought this from him.
- What is it?
- Silver.
Actual silver.
- [James] Is it?
- [Jeremy] Nuggets of it, yes.
60 cents a gram.
'Cause, turns out,
you know we've been driving along
On the surface there's all
the fruit and crops and so on.
- Yeah.
- Bread basket of Africa.
Dig down
Gold, silver, manganese, lithium,
diamonds, coal, iron ore.
So you're ploughing a field
to get your pineapples in,
or your tea or your bananas
or whatever it might be,
and there's just diamonds and lithium.
- Jewels.
- Yeah, jewels and lithium and cobalt
just pouring out.
And I was thinking,
you know people when they go on
Well, we go on these trips, we
always go home with a stupid souvenir.
Well, instead of buying
some crappy nonsense,
why don't we get some silver?
- 60 cents?
- [Jeremy] 60 cents!
- [Richard] A gram?
- A gram.
[Jeremy] We then rushed immediately
into town and went shopping.
And we didn't hold back.
So this is 45 kilograms of silver.
- [Richard] The best souvenir ever.
- [Jeremy] I know.
We could have gone back
with an awful painting of a sunset.
This is going to affect my weight
distribution, I've gotta be honest.
[Richard] This is gonna add
to the downforce from my wing.
[Jeremy] I'm just trying to work out
how much that cost.
[Richard] Not a lot, according to you.
- Well, it's sixty cents a gram.
- [Richard] Yes.
But we got a discount on the quantity.
And then the change he gave me was this.
So I paid in US
What is that?
- 50 50 million?
- Mm-hmm.
[Jeremy] 50 million dollars.
When they had really big hyperinflation,
it was a million percent, wasn't it?
[James] Something like that, yeah.
And at one point,
I think with a 50 million-dollar note,
it was cheaper
to wipe your bottom with this
than it was to use one single sheet
of lavatory paper.
- [Richard] It was actually cheaper?
- 'Cause that was more valuable.
That's why if people ordered a coffee,
they paid for it when they got it
rather than after they'd drunk it
'cause it would have gone up.
- Anyway.
- [Richard] Enough financial matters.
- So we've got 45 kilograms of silver
- Yes.
And 50 million dollars.
We are in a good place.
[Jeremy] Having fired up
our fully repaired silver machines,
we headed out of town,
fairly convinced that no city on earth
gives better avenue.
[Jeremy over radio]
Those purple trees are breathtaking.
Are these really Jacaranda trees?
[Richard over radio] Yeah, they are.
Look at that. They're beautiful.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Oh, look at this.
That's the most beautiful avenue
of trees I think I've ever seen.
["Love Will Tear Us Apart"
by Joy Division playing]
[Richard] With Jeremy
on map-reading duties,
we headed due west
on a rather brilliant ribbon of tarmac.
[engine roaring]
[James] The road is good,
scenery is good,
things are good.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] For hours,
the journey was completely trouble-free.
And it continued to be trouble-free
till I stopped to check the map.
[honking]
Then it wasn't trouble-free any more.
[Jeremy] Shit.
[Richard] Wherefore have you stopped?
- [Jeremy] Good news.
- Go on.
Good news. Very good news.
Er, I know exactly which road we're on.
[Richard stuttering]
- There is some bad news.
- Yes.
It's the wrong road.
- [James] What's happened?
- [Jeremy] We're on the wrong road.
Who said they knew where
they were going? Oh, I know.
- Er, was it I
- It wasn't you.
- No, it was like another voice.
- And it wasn't me, was it?
Let's not get bogged down
in who turned left and who turned right.
- It was you.
- It was me.
So, you've got us on the wrong road
leaving Harare.
[Jeremy] We should be heading west.
We're not. We're heading north.
- Show me.
- We face a choice. We can either
go all the way back to Harare.
- No.
- [Richard laughing]
And take that turning,
which we should have done.
- Okay.
- [Jeremy] Or
If we keep heading north and then
- On the wrong road.
- Yeah.
If we keep heading north, we will
eventually get to the Zambezi, okay?
Which is the border with Zambia.
[Jeremy] Big river. Can't miss it.
Hang a left, we know we're going west.
Well, 'cause the river goes
like that and the road goes like that.
[Jeremy] So, there we are.
["Love Will Tear Us Apart"
by Joy Division resumes]
[Jeremy] Having processed
the fact that instead of doing this,
we'd been doing this,
we soldiered on.
[Jeremy] I think we'll make it
to the Zambezi by nightfall.
We could camp by the Zambezi.
How cool would that be?
[Jeremy] But then
the tarmac ran out.
[rattling]
[Richard grunting] Oh no!
Oh please, don't let this be washboard.
Oh God!
It is!
[Richard grunting] Oh!
Chaps, it's about 40 miles
to the river now, 40 miles.
- 14 miles?
- [Jeremy over radio] No, no, James.
40 miles, four zero miles.
[James over radio] 40?
Yes, I'm afraid
that's about the sum of it, yes.
- [rattling]
- [Richard grunting]
[Richard]
They're never gonna hold together.
- [clanking]
- Oh, that was a really bad bit.
Oh, wait, I'm stopping. What?
Chaps, er, I'm breaking down.
[Jeremy over radio]
It's okay, mine's fine.
Oh no I smell fuel.
First job is put something white on
because the tsetse flies
are attracted to blue and black.
[Richard] Oh, shit!
All my petrol is falling out.
Oh no, that's bad.
This is the fuel pipe,
and this is the fuel.
[Richard laughing]
That's your Thank you.
- Well
- What I could do
- Is petrol coming out of your hot car?
- Yeah.
Is this a good idea?
- [Richard] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Thank you.
Would one of you fancy standing here
with their finger on the end of this?
- [James] Not really.
- [Jeremy] No.
Just try to explain so I can understand.
It's come off.
The line from the petrol tank
up to the engine goes to there
So there must be a pipe from
Has it just snapped?
- [Richard] No, it's come undone.
- [Jeremy] Why are you helping him?
I want him to survive otherwise we can't
see him as Buttons in the pantomime.
[Richard] Oh, please!
Stop it with the Buttons!
[James] Oh no we won't.
How long before he is appearing
as Buttons at the Swindon Wyvern?
- One year.
- [Richard] Please, stop!
No, I think he's got enough pride
to make him last two years.
So this one goes out in 2024,
this programme,
so I think it'll be 2025.
Possibly Guildford.
God, I'm soaked in petrol!
Guildford's quite a big theatre, though.
I know I think the Swindon Wyvern
is where he's gonna be.
It's about 200 people.
The cast, here it is.
Ainsley Harriott,
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,
Julian Clary, Richard Hammond.
That is a star-studded line-up.
[James] "Gloria Hunniford and, it is
a lot of 'and', Richard Hammond"
[James and Jeremy] "As Buttons!"
[Richard laughing]
"Following his illustrious career
travelling the globe."
[James] Will it say
"TV's Richard Hammond"?
"TV's", yeah!
Because he's done enough programmes
for him to be "TV's Richard Hammond."
I tell you,
Hammond, we're gonna come and see you.
- [James] I'm gonna say
- On your first night,
there will be two elderly gentlemen
in the front row.
Every night.
I mean, I hate panto
but I'm going to that one.
Think of the Premier Inn reward points
you're going to get.
[Richard] Oh God!
[James] With the Sunday matinee,
you can have the carvery special.
[Jeremy laughing]
[Jeremy] Predicting
that this wouldn't be the last time
we'd be standing around a broken Capri,
I went to put on
my anti-tsetse fly shirt.
And then, I spotted something
in the undergrowth.
[Jeremy] Ooh, hello. Ooh!
I've got a bonnet ornament, guys.
Remember on the old Lancia?
Oh wow.
Look at that.
- [Richard] That's brilliant.
- I know.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Eventually,
Buttons was back on the road.
I'm just checking my fuel gauge.
I lost a fair bit.
[Jeremy] And then, with 30 miles to go,
the washboard became so vicious
- [thud]
- [Richard grunting] Oh!
[Jeremy] It even started to play havoc
with the normally bulletproof Stag.
The windscreen wipers randomly come on.
Stop it, windscreen wipers!
[James grunting]
Stop wiping the windscreen,
you stupid rubber bastards!
[windscreen wipers squeaking]
[James] It was as if the washboard,
our nemesis for the last 20 years,
knew it was its last chance to break us.
[rattling]
[Richard grunting]
- [clanking]
- Ooh!
[tense music]
[rattling]
It's on full Christ,
what the hell's happened here?
I have no throttle control.
Yeah, my foot's not
on the accelerator now
and we're just driving along.
I've put it under the accelerator
to lift it off.
[rattling and clanking]
This has properly, properly
started to break my Lancia
and me.
Oh, God. Oh no!
[epic music]
[Jeremy] However,
despite their great age,
our cars held together
until eventually
we reached the banks of the Zambezi.
[Jeremy] Oh God.
[Jeremy] Where Mother Nature
had laid on quite a reception.
[soft music]
It's not a bad spot.
[Jeremy] After dinner,
we had a lovely pudding.
Cheesecake.
[Jeremy] And, this being Zimbabwe
Now, would you like some gold on it?
- Erm, yeah, I would actually.
- [James] Oh, yes please.
[Jeremy]
I got it when we were in Harare.
The great thing about it as well is you
do a golden turd the next day.
- That's true.
- And it becomes valuable.
This is just extravagant.
Thanks, Hammond.
- I'm now worth more than I was.
- May?
- [James] Yes, please.
- [Jeremy] 'Cause if you think about it,
they grow everything here.
And then you dig a hole in the ground
for your pudding, which is gold.
Hey, that gives me an idea.
- Why don't we melt our silver?
- [James] Hmm.
And then we can make gift items
to take home with us.
Out of our souvenir silver?
- Do you have to make a mould?
- [James] Hmm.
Are you proposing that we do craft?
Well, what else can we do? It's 6:20.
Drinking is going well.
[Jeremy] Yes, drinking's good.
But eventually
you'll be wrestling a baboon.
You always do that sort of thing.
[Jeremy] In a state of deep joy,
James quickly built all that we needed
to start smelting our silver.
[Jeremy] He is Victorian.
- [softly] Very happy.
- [whispering] So happy.
[Jeremy] And two small drinks later,
things were looking good.
[James] There you go, chaps.
Look at that.
[Jeremy] Holy cow!
So now we can make anything.
Literally anything that we can cast.
- Yes, so you make a hole in something.
- [Richard] Yes?
Pour that in, let it solidify.
- And then you've got a thing in silver.
- [Jeremy] Right!
Come on, then.
Gentlemen, let's get to work.
I'll mend my throttle,
then I'll make something silvery.
Actually, no, I'll make the mould,
put the silver in it, let it solidify.
- [James] Exactly.
- And while it's solidifying,
I'll mend my throttle linkage.
Welcome to a world of ordered thinking.
[Jeremy] The next morning,
the banks of the Zambezi were carpeted
with many different animals
and Roger Moore.
[Jeremy] Have you had that made?
[Richard] Yep.
And whose measurements did you send?
- [Jeremy] Jon Bon Jovi's.
- [Richard] I was a little ambitious.
You know how it is, when the doctor says,
how many units of alcohol do you drink
and when somebody says:
"What are your measurements?"
"Definitely thirty-inch waist,
forty-inch chest." I lied.
Have you noticed what he's done here?
- Very flamboyant buttons.
- [James] Buttons, yes.
It's like he's easing himself
into the role.
Can we just move on
from his sartorial faux pas?
[James] Isn't it magnificent?
[Jeremy] Is that what you made
out of your silver?
- [James] Oh, yeah.
- [Richard] That's startling.
Why has nobody Well.
I wonder why nobody's done that before.
Your steering wheel's actually
a solid-silver steering wheel!
That's another £900,000.
I mean, it does look pretty cool,
doesn't it?
But, talking of bling. Bonnet ornament.
- [James] Is it the bonnet?
- [Richard] It's not on the bonnet though.
[Jeremy] It is on But you see
Ah, but it is the bonnet.
[Richard] This is at the back. Does it
become an engine cover, not a bonnet?
- You can't say "engine cover ornament".
- No, you can't.
- [Richard] I love it. It looks brilliant.
- [Jeremy] I mean, look at that.
That is an impala on a Montecarlo.
So I'm basically
a Chevrolet advertisement.
Isn't it remarkable
what makes sense in our world?
- What?
- That doesn't.
- [James] I saw it as I looked up then.
- [Richard] Check it out. Come on.
Stuart Little spoiler,
ladies and gentlemen.
[Richard] Oh, the width, yeah.
That's all the silver I had.
It's quite It's
Stuart Little spoiler!
[Jeremy chuckles]
Anyway
we now have
silver adornments
to our cars.
- Can I make a suggestion?
- [James] Hmm?
Keep the river on your right.
It's not
navigationally challenging, is it?
Navigation is not a problem today.
- And we know we are heading West.
- [Richard] Yes.
And we know if we keep heading West,
we'll get to the other side of Zimbabwe.
And we know we're gonna look good
doing it!
[soft rock music]
[engine revving]
[engine roaring]
[chuckling]
[Jeremy] A big skid!
A big skid on the Zambezi.
That might be
my last-ever televised skid.
It's strange when you think about it,
because everybody
does everything in their life
for the last time at some point.
The last time you dive off a boat.
The last time you kick a football.
The last time you do sex.
But you don't know,
when you're doing it,
that you're doing it for the last time.
So I shall remember that skid.
[Jeremy] After a spirited
morning drive
[upbeat music]
we got back on tarmac.
Which had yellow lines and everything.
This is like the Stelvio Pass.
What a road!
[Jeremy] And the little Montecarlo
was lapping it up.
I've said it before,
if you absolutely must do
African exploration,
you absolutely must have a Lancia.
Oh, it's jumped out of gear.
Oh, God, it's back in again.
Still popping and banging nicely
from the back. Can you hear that?
[Jeremy rumbling]
[rumbling]
Love that sound.
And all you lot growing up today
with your electric cars,
you're never gonna hear it.
[engine roaring]
There are lots of reasons
why we're jacking this show in.
But for me, one of the main ones is:
I'm simply not interested
in electric cars.
They are just white goods.
They're washing machines.
They're microwave ovens.
And you can't review those.
You can't enjoy them.
They are just shit.
[James on radio] Chaps, I've done
something for the first time in my life.
[Jeremy on radio]
Masturbated on television?
No, it's worse. I've put on
a pair of string-back driving gloves.
Why have you done that?
My silver-bling steering wheel is great.
But now the sun's on it,
it gets a bit hot.
[laughing]
[Jeremy] We carried on driving
along the lovely road
until the lovely road suddenly stopped.
Erm
Oh.
[tense music]
Hmm.
[Richard] You total plum sack.
[Jeremy] It's a lake.
- [Richard] Yes.
- [James] Is it?
- [Jeremy] Well, I saw it on
- [James] You're kidding?
[Jeremy] I saw it on the map.
I just assumed there'd be
a road round it and there isn't.
Erm
Why isn't there a road round it?
[Richard] Oh, God.
So, wait a minute. You went wrong
in Harare. Let's establish that.
You chose the wrong road. There were
only two, you chose the wrong one.
You then doggedly made us
[Jeremy] Beautiful bit,
like the Nürburgring, that last bit.
Nice bit at the end.
But it turned out to be the end.
We can't turn right because literally,
just there, it's Zambia.
- [James] Mm-hmm.
- [Richard] Yes.
- We can't go left.
- 'Cause there isn't a road.
- There isn't a road.
- Yes.
[Jeremy] So
- We'll just float across.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Honestly, we've done enough car boats,
boat cars, flasks, floating.
We're not building
boats. It never works.
I've got a better idea:
buy a boat. Buy three boats.
- We've got to get the cars on.
- [Jeremy] Yes, exactly.
- Buy boats?
- They've got boats. Look.
- [Richard] They're peoples' boats.
- [Jeremy] Well, we'll buy them.
I've got a wedge.
Ten trillion.
- Fifty billion?
- [Richard] Yeah, why not?
[James] Yeah,
I'll have another fifty billion.
A hundred billion.
Three hundred and fifty billion.
- Four hundred billion.
- [Jeremy laughs]
Ten trillion
four hundred billion and twenty.
- [Jeremy and Richard laughing]
- [James] This is absolutely idiotic.
Right. Boat buying.
[upbeat music]
[Richard] Having spent the morning
rootling around the local boatyards,
we reconvened with our purchases.
James had gone
for an old sardine fishing boat.
I'd bought an aquatic hatchback.
And Jeremy, naturally,
had purchased a floating drinks cabinet.
[Richard] You've bought a bar.
- It's also the bridge.
- Oh, I see!
[Jeremy] You steer it from the bar.
[Richard] Once we'd
loaded up our cars
[Jeremy laughing]
[panting]
[Richard] To me!
[Richard] We assembled
on HMS Sardine for a map chat.
[Richard] Are they nautical charts?
No, it's a road map.
Right, we're going to sea
with a road map.
- So here's the lake.
- Yes.
We're going to
What?
- Here's the lake.
- [Richard] Yes. Here's the lake.
- [Richard] What's that?
- [James] Bloody hell.
That's the rest.
Yes.
That goes to there.
Okay.
It's about 180 miles.
It's a 175 miles.
That's all right, then!
Right, thank God we haven't got
to do that extra 5 miles.
It's the world's largest man-made lake.
I am genuinely sorry about this.
I had looked at
Look, you can see the problem.
We've driven all the way, I've just
been using this side of the map.
No, no, no, Jeremy,
we can see the problem.
It's there, pointing at the map.
- [James] The map is accurate.
- There's no problem with the map.
- You didn't look at the other side.
- But it was all folded up in such a way
that you didn't see
How fast does your boat go?
Well, I don't know yet.
But not very I'm gonna guess.
I think we're talking
about a brisk walk.
Even if they do ten knots,
which I doubt
Let's say 10 miles an hour.
That's eighteen hours.
That's overnight.
Yes.
[Jeremy] I then did a bit more research.
And that wasn't a great move either.
It gets worse.
Why?
[Jeremy] Guess how many crocodiles
are in that lake?
[Richard] I don't know.
Somewhere between one hundred
and two hundred and fifty thousand.
[Richard] Crocodiles?
[Jeremy] Two weeks ago,
they had to shoot a man-eater.
Would you like to see it?
[James] Jeez, that is
[Richard] Look at it!
- [James] Can they be this big?
- [Richard] It could eat this boat.
On average, 47 people a year
are killed by crocodiles.
And there aren't that many people here,
to start with.
[tense rock music]
[Jeremy] On that sombre note,
we set off
HMS Shitfaced is underway.
[Jeremy] Under the watchful eye
of the lake's residents.
I think of this not so much as water
as just a solid lump of crocodiles.
[rock music continues]
Right. Safety checks complete.
There's only one
thing I can think to do.
I believe Jeremy's
already poured himself a drink.
- [bang]
- Mr Slowly driving HMS Eco.
[engine sputtering loudly]
What a bloody racket!
It's extraordinary
to think that in 1955,
this didn't exist,
it was just normal Africa.
Then the British came and said: "We're
gonna build a dam across the Zambezi
to create hydroelectric power
for Zambia and Zimbabwe."
And this was the result.
[soft music]
The biggest man-made lake
the world has ever seen.
We've done some daft things in our time,
but I'm really enjoying this one.
I'm sailing a bar with a Lancia on it.
And I've got a lot of drink
to get through.
[Jeremy] So much, in fact, that I invited
Buttons and Greta Thunberg over
[engine sputtering]
to share the workload.
- [Jeremy] Gentlemen.
- [James] I like the look of that.
I've a wide range of drinks
from the 1970s,
including the much-missed Galliano.
- [James] Nice.
- [Richard] Nice. A step back in time.
- A gin and tonic, sir?
- I would love a gin and tonic, thank you.
Coming right up.
And you, sir? A Chablis, I'm guessing.
[cork popping]
[James] Thank you.
Ice and a slice of gold, perhaps?
[Richard] Ice and a slice of gold
would be wonderful.
So if you go in that water, basically,
you are going to be eaten by a crocodile.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- [James] Yeah.
And I can't think of a death
I would enjoy less.
Yeah, it's not the agony, actually.
Well, no.
- It is the agony. But it's the indignity.
- [Richard] It is the agony.
It's ignominium.
Crocodile comes along. You're there,
dangling your feet in the water,
thinking about life, filled with hopes,
expectations, loves, dreams,
thoughts of the universe.
Crocodile says: "I'll have that."
Bang. Gone.
- You know peanuts on a bar?
- [Richard] Yeah.
You're having a drink with some friends
and you see some peanuts.
You take a couple of peanuts and you
That is what you are.
[James] Do you know what makes it worse?
A crocodile is prehistoric.
So it was mates with T-Rex.
It's two 250 million years old.
And humanity's what? 150, 200 thousand?
And civilisation is only
about 6,000 years old.
So everything from the first
cave paintings to the present day,
in the timespan of evolution,
that has all happened while the
crocodile has been scratching its arse.
[Jeremy] After an hour or so
of drinking and chatting and sailing,
but mostly drinking,
the conversation started to take
a bit of a dip.
[Jeremy] I've got
three quarters of a bottle of vodka,
half a bottle of gin.
No. No, that's not gin.
What is that? I don't know. I can't see.
This is a blended brandy.
- And I also have here a blended whisky.
- Hammond, your boat's buggered off.
[Richard] That's got my passport on it.
- [James] Shall I go?
- [Jeremy] You're going to have
to leave my bar.
[James] Do you want to come with me,
Hammond, or stay here?
[Richard] This is more manoeuvrable.
So we'll manoeuvre this up to mine
and I'll get off this onto mine.
[engine sputtering]
[Jeremy] Right, now, here we go.
International Rescue.
[Richard] Please, catch my Capri.
[Jeremy] I'll give it my best work.
Don't fall in the water.
[Richard] Crocodiles. Definite death.
[panting]
[Richard] I left the gin.
Would you like another
one before you go?
I'd bloody love one, yes.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] We continued
with our long journey.
And as darkness fell,
we realised we were a bit peckish.
So, to catch some supper,
James lowered his sardine nets.
[James] And
There we are at depth.
I don't mind if it isn't sardines,
if it's just like general fish,
but I'd really like sardines.
[James] Well, it should be sardines.
This is a sardine boat.
Here we go.
Bollocks.
[Richard] I'm starving.
- [James] I know, I'm starving as well.
- [Richard] No, I'm beyond hungry.
It's crisps, isn't it?
- It's crisps.
- [Richard] It's crisps.
[Jeremy] And, as if things
couldn't get any worse
I've now run out of ice.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] So, we recharged our glasses
with warm drink.
And, fuelled by that,
crisps and some wistful memories,
we sailed on.
It's gonna be a long night.
Not our first.
Ordinarily, I'd say not our last.
Maybe it is.
Oh, stop saying those things, Richard.
[soft music continues]
[sighing]
[chuckling]
What a job this has been.
What a career.
[bottles clanking]
[yawning] Sorry.
That was a long
night. A very long night.
[engine sputtering]
I'm deaf.
[James] There was, however,
some good news.
The little blue dot, that's us.
We are nearing the end of the lake.
[Jeremy] And because
we were nearing shore,
we were surrounded
by our chompy friends,
which made the sudden message from
our director on our camera tracking boat
all the more alarming.
[director on radio] Phil to Hammond.
You've got a problem with your boat.
Your boat is sinking, Hammond.
[Jeremy on radio] Shit, you are.
You're going down at the stern, Hammond.
- [director on radio] Go to the shore.
- What?
Give it some power, full power.
[director on radio] To the left,
to the left. Copy that. To the left.
[director talking indistinctly on radio]
Repeat.
[director on radio]
To the left. To the left.
[Jeremy on radio]
You are definitely going down, mate.
You are definitely going down.
[Richard on radio]
Yeah, my engine's going under.
Ramming speed.
[tense music]
[boat clanking]
[boat rumbling]
[engine revving]
[Jeremy on radio]
Right, you've saved the Capri.
Sorry, I've only just heard,
'cause of the noise of the engine.
What's happened?
[Jeremy on radio] His boat, if you look,
it was definitely sinking from the rear.
The whole of the back of his pontoons
were underwater.
[Richard on radio]
Do not try and come in here.
Because I came over sandbanks.
I literally just hammered straight over
low ground to get here.
[Jeremy] James and I arrived
at another spot along the shore.
There's a ramp.
[Jeremy] And once
we'd all disembarked
- [thud]
- [Jeremy sighs] I've definitely arrived.
[Jeremy] I called another map meeting,
because during the night,
I had had a brainwave.
So we've just come across Kariba.
[Richard] Yep.
[Jeremy] When we reach the border here
and cross it,
we have gone all the
way across Zimbabwe,
which is what we set out to do,
and we finish the programme.
- [Richard] Yeah.
- Well done, us.
In our three improbable cars.
However,
on the other side of the border
is Botswana.
So, if you just turn the map over,
- which I've learnt to do now.
- Well done.
- Oh yes.
- Good technique.
[Jeremy] If you look, this is
the Makgadikgadi, yeah? Salt pans.
And there is Kubu Island.
And that is where we began.
That's where we did
our very first special,
- 17 years ago.
- [Richard] Wow.
[Jeremy] We've always said this is one
of our favourite places anywhere
we've ever encountered.
- And it's where the baobab trees are.
- [Jeremy and James] Yeah.
- I'd like to finish there.
- [Richard] Yeah, I think that's right.
And it's only That's only Woah.
- It's a hundred K.
- 120 miles or so.
- Yeah.
- I'm up for that.
[Jeremy] So we end this programme here,
and we wrap The Grand Tour up there.
[Richard] I think that's
a tremendous idea. It's fitting.
[rock music]
[James] With our new plan agreed on,
we set a course for the border,
feeling pretty good.
Well, this is wonderful, viewers.
We're back on proper tarmac.
The sun isn't above my head yet,
so my steering wheel hasn't heated up.
I love this moment.
[music continues]
[Richard laughing] Boot?
[James] But, a couple of miles later,
the jolliness came to an abrupt end.
[thud]
[James] Jeez.
[panting]
Oh, God, this is gonna be pothole hell.
[bumping]
[Jeremy] Oh no!
I don't believe my tyres
survived that one.
[Richard] The potholes, which were
nearly as bad as the ones in England,
were not good news
for the most fragile car here.
[thud]
Oh, shit.
[thud continues]
[Richard panting]
[loud thud]
[Richard panting]
Ooh!
Oh, shit.
I am, for the first time,
seriously starting to wonder
if this car can take it
and if it's gonna get there.
[gasping]
- [loud thud]
- Bugger.
[Richard on radio]
There's something very much amiss
on the rear axle.
[James on radio]
Sounds like a bag of cutlery.
[Richard on radio] I hate to say
I think I should just
have a quick look just to make sure
the back axle's not gonna come off.
[Richard] The news
from underneath my car wasn't good.
[Richard] Right.
[Richard panting]
There.
That's one shock absorber.
- It's not connected at that end any more.
- [James] Yes, I see the problem, sir.
[Richard] Every time the axle comes up,
that was going up,
punching a hole in the body.
- Have you actually made holes?
- [Richard] Yes.
So, I'm gonna have to run without it.
This young guy is saying
that if it had been him,
he would have bought the 2.8 Injection,
not the three-litre GXL.
- [Richard] Is that Is he?
- Yeah.
He says it's got a much stronger axle.
[Richard panting]
[Richard] Annoyingly, the other
shock absorber had to come off as well.
[Jeremy] So you're just running
on leaf springs, yeah?
Yeah.
Like, it is exactly the same
as a medieval ox cart.
[Richard] Yeah.
[upbeat music]
[James] For Jeremy and me, though,
it was much more entertaining
than a medieval ox cart.
[Richard screaming]
[screaming continues]
[James laughing]
I'm gonna crash!
[laughing]
Well, if you wanted to know
what a shock absorber does,
it stops cars doing that.
[screaming]
[Richard] Oh, yeah. I'm still in it.
[laughing]
[James] Representing Great Britain
in car trampoline,
it's Richard Hammond from Ross-on-Wye.
[James] Sadly, the Ford's space-hopper
entertainment soon came to an end,
because Zimbabwe changed again
and we could no longer see it.
[tense music]
[James coughing]
[James] Smoke.
[coughing continues]
God.
[Richard coughing] I can't breathe.
[Jeremy] All right, so, everything's
now covered with a veneer of coal dust,
because we're in the coal-mining area.
That's why all the trees
and everything are black.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
[tense music continues]
If it's like this
all the way to the border, well, Jesus.
[Jeremy] Then, through the choking dust,
I spotted what could be our salvation.
This road is intolerable.
Would you not agree?
It's quite bad. It's not the best.
[Jeremy] Since we got
off the boats this morning,
I have been shaken to pieces.
My car is falling to pieces.
That's a particularly virulent
type of dust as well.
And I'm looking at this.
- Well, that's not bumpy, is it?
- [Richard] Well, no, it's a railway line.
So why don't we convert our cars
to run on the railway lines?
We've done it before.
- Ah, yes.
- We've done it before.
- [James] Yes, we have.
- What other group of blokes
can actually say with experience
- that it can be done? We've done it.
- [Jeremy] We've done it.
We'd have to check the train timetables.
That sort of thing's really important.
We'd also need to find a workshop where
we could make the modifications necessary
to our cars.
[Richard] Yeah, we'd need a big town
and a lot of machinery.
- [Jeremy] Well, Vic Falls isn't far away.
- [honking]
Oh.
[director] It's not one of ours.
- [Jeremy] Oh, shit.
- [all laughing]
[Richard] Carry on.
They're quite pleased anyway.
[James] Right, so you've called
some locals knob heads.
- I just called him a dickhead.
- [James] Yeah.
And they're coming out
to beat the crap out of you.
[Richard] Hello. How are you guys?
- [Jeremy] Hi, everybody.
- [James] He said you're the knob heads.
[Jeremy] This traditional
English greeting
[man in an orange shirt]
That's fine. This is your home.
- [Jeremy] Hey. How are you?
- [Richard] Nice to see you.
[Jeremy] Good to meet you.
[James] Once Kofi Clarkson
had repaired diplomatic relations,
we set off
on our detour to Victoria Falls.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] And now,
everything's on fire.
Yeah. Oh, my God,
absolutely everything is on fire.
Bloody Nora.
We are having
some obstacles today, aren't we?
[Jeremy] Once we reached Vic Falls,
our thoughts turned
to the matter of accommodation.
And since the tight-fisted Mr Wilman
wasn't with us
[classical music]
[Jeremy] Afternoon.
[Richard] Thank you.
Could we have three suites, please?
And if you could have my tailor sent up,
that would be tremendous.
That's what Bond always says.
[Jeremy] Then, after we'd washed
the coal dust out of our ears,
we found a workshop
and cued the music.
[The A-Team theme playing]
[suspenseful music]
[Jeremy] A couple of days later,
the work was complete.
And we met in the local rail yard
to compare our contraptions.
Surprisingly simple job.
I've put the front wheels
in a sort of animal feed trough,
which has little railway wheels
on the bottom. Okay?
At the back, rear wheels drive
that sort of belt system
which then drives the railway wheels.
It's simple and it's elegant.
- Unlike that.
- [James] Let me talk you through this.
Mine's quite elaborate,
and I suspect you're not interested,
but I based it on
the diesel-hydraulic locomotives
of England's western region.
It's hydraulic drive.
The engine merely drives a pump
which charges the hydraulic reservoir
which is what then drives the wheels,
giving you massive torque at standstill
from zero revs.
How does it work?
- That's how it works.
- I didn't understand.
James, what the bloody hell's that?
[James] Yeah, well, I did warn you.
[Richard] Oh, my Lord! There's
a whole What's all that?
[James] That's a hydraulic pump.
This is a hydraulic reservoir.
These are pipes.
Those are gauges that warn you
of the pressures.
How will you see them
when you're driving along?
As long as they're right when I set off.
Unless you've got a co-pilot
who is a giraffe.
[James] The point about the hydraulic
system is it's the transmission.
This is how they built real locomotives,
so this is proven technology.
It doesn't look like a real locomotive.
- Well, it does, actually.
- No, it doesn't.
It looks like a Triumph Stag.
I'm visualising the Flying Scotsman,
the Mallard.
- [Richard] Got it? Open your eyes.
- They're not hydraulic locomotives.
- Is it made real?
- No.
- [Richard] No.
- Yours looks even easier than mine.
[Richard] You don't even need
to go over there.
Sits on rollers,
back wheels turn rollers,
rollers turn wheel,
it goes along, end of.
[Jeremy] So it's just like
a rolling road?
Yeah, it's like a running machine.
Well, James, Hammond and I have proved
there's a very easy way of doing this.
[James] But you've got
to manipulate your clutch,
your throttle, your break pedal.
All I have to do
- Very much like driving a car.
- Driving, yes.
Yeah, but it's not a car, you see?
It's a locomotive.
All I have to do is set the engine revs
and then I simply move a lever
backwards and forwards,
the very thing that made
those early locomotives so appealing
to people who'd grown up on steam.
[Richard laughing]
- [Richard] Shall we do this? I'm excited.
- They'll miss me when I'm gone,
which is in a few days' time.
[tense music]
[James] We boarded our trains,
ready for the off.
Hydraulic pressure is building.
[pressurising]
[Jeremy on radio] The train now departing
platform 1 is the Montecarlo Express,
direct service to Botswana.
Here we go.
[suspenseful music]
[laughing]
I'm going along!
[clanking]
And it works.
Right, we're away.
What?
No, I'm in
- [thud]
- [Richard screaming]
[car clanking]
It makes very authentic train noises.
Did you hear the little "gadunk gadunk"?
[thud]
Oh, God.
[car squeaking]
[James on radio] Er, I've derailed.
[Jeremy] Oh, dear.
I'm going to have to reverse
to see what his problem is.
Oh yes!
The Montecarlo Express
goes forwards and backwards.
Look at that.
What a machine I have built here.
[thud]
[Jeremy] This meant that James and I
had both derailed.
But it could be worse.
Oh, bugger.
So that wheel turns that way,
which turns these wheels the other way,
which means it goes the other way
to the way these wheels are turning.
Er
right.
[playful music]
[Richard] Luckily,
as we hadn't actually left the station,
there was a telehandler on hand
to help sort out our problems.
Er, I'm gonna pick it up
and turn it around,
so that when it's going backwards,
it's going forwards.
So what this means is I've now got
four reverse gears
that make me go forwards.
Right.
Now, simply put it back on the track.
No problem. Everything's under control.
[playful music continues]
[Richard] And, when all of us
were back on tracks,
we set off once more.
[rock music]
Isn't it funny,
you make one little error,
miscalculation,
and then your life is this.
[Jeremy] Even though Hammond wasn't
bringing much dignity to the situation,
this was still quite a moment.
Because we were now grand touring
on one of the world's
most iconic railway lines.
[Jeremy] It is remarkable that today,
we can't build a railway line
in Britain from
London to Manchester,
whereas 150 years ago someone said:
"Let's build a railway line
from Cape Town to Cairo",
7,000 miles across the spine of Africa.
And they went:
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can do that."
And then someone said: "But there's
a bloody great gorge in the way."
And they said: "Well, it doesn't matter,
here's what we'll do.
We'll build a bridge in Darlington,
ship it out there,
and we'll assemble it in situ
and it'll fit."
And it did.
And here it is!
[solemn music]
Oh, my God.
Driving a Lancia Montecarlo
on the Victoria Falls bridge.
[solemn music continues]
[James] We are 420 feet above the gorge.
Let's just take a moment.
[solemn music continues]
I shall certainly miss
doing this sort of thing.
[Jeremy] Having ticked off
this unexpected bucket-list moment
[playful rock music]
We trundled along with our minds
firmly set on the goal.
So, if we can use the railway now
to get us past that sort
of coal-mining area,
yeah,
it's a home run then.
[playful music continues]
I once went on the Orient Express
with my wife in India.
We had a brilliant time.
Very similar.
[music continues]
[Richard on radio] This is more
comfortable than the roads, isn't it?
[Jeremy on radio]
And the other thing as well.
For the first time,
I've been able to look at the views
rather than the road ahead.
Yeah, I'm looking at the views
as they recede.
Can we call you
the Disorientated Express?
[chuckling]
[Jeremy] As we chatted away,
I had just one small niggle on my mind.
I've been assured that no train
is coming in the other direction.
But what if one is?
It's one of those things
you cannot get out of your mind
when you're on
a single-track railway like this.
[Jeremy] And then,
that niggle was joined by another one.
Oh! I've got a high-temperature
warning here.
I don't think my engine
is cooling quite like it should be.
For some reason.
Could it be that I've converted my car
into a train?
[Jeremy] My solution was
to lift the bonnet
and then call on my old friends,
Speed and Power.
[engine roaring]
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Indicated: 40 miles an hour.
It isn't 40 miles an hour,
but that's what it says.
The airflow is good now at this speed,
very good.
[sighing]
[Richard] Okay,
my right leg's going numb now.
[tense music continues]
[Richard] By mid-afternoon,
we were confident
we'd actually achieved something.
[James on radio] I reckon we've passed
the end of the dusty road
and all that rough stuff.
Yeah, I think we have.
We've passed the coal mine for sure.
[Jeremy] We therefore pulled over
at a level crossing,
to do a job
which we'd been avoiding thinking about.
[Jeremy] How do we get them off?
[James] I suppose the approaching
freight train could do the job for you.
Right, what you need to do first,
using the adjustable spanner
I cannot count on us
using an adjustable spanner.
Slacken the lock nuts.
[Jeremy] Why can't you use one of these?
Because it is the tool of a charlatan.
- You don't mean "charlatan", do you?
- [James] I do.
[Jeremy] You mean someone who just has
one tool instead of three hundred.
- [James] Undo the lock nuts first.
- What are talking about?
What's the lock nut?
[James] That is a lock nut.
[Jeremy] This spanner's too big.
We don't all have to go
to the same old folks home, do we?
- [James] No.
- [Jeremy laughing]
I mean, it's not obligatory
after this that we all, the next day
He said he's deleting
our numbers as soon as we finish.
[Richard laughs]
And we finish, delete, now they've gone.
[Jeremy sighing] Oh, God.
Quite easy to do,
they're next to each other.
World's smallest cun[bleep],
world's biggest cun[bleep].
[Richard] We've stalled.
[all laughing]
That's actually true as well.
It's not a lie.
It is true.
- I've had an idea.
- [James] What?
Why don't we go to a screen now
that says "Fifteen minutes later"?
Yeah?
Get the production people
to get them off.
- And then
- [Richard] It looks like we've done it.
[Jeremy] It looks like we've done it.
And then, we'll have
a line of voice-over:
"Soon, all the cars were off
the railway line." [voice fading out]
[Jeremy] Soon,
all the cars were off the railway line.
[soft music]
And, as the border with Botswana
was just under 40 miles away,
we had nearly completed our mission.
And for that,
we had three little heroes to thank.
I am amazed
that the Ford Capri is still running.
I really am.
But I'm more amazed
by the Stag and the Montecarlo,
because almost anyone who knows
anything about cars would say
those two are
the most unreliable cars ever made.
And here they are, soldiering along.
And, we really did
save the best till last
[soft music]
Because Zimbabwe has provided
the perfect backdrop
for our final motoring adventure.
[emotional music]
[emotional music continues]
[Jeremy] Amazing cars!
Amazing, amazing cars
have survived
this amazing, amazing country.
Essex!
Triumph Stag.
Overheating, my arse.
[emotional music continues]
[Jeremy] Well done, Lancia.
I can actually see the customs post.
You fantastic little
car, you've done it.
You've done it.
[Jeremy] Before going up
to the checkpoint,
we pulled over to reflect on the moment.
We have crossed Zimbabwe
and you don't know.
[Richard] No, barely tell from the
"Did you use these cars to do it?"
Yeah, quite. I would love to keep this.
[Richard] Yeah.
I would properly love
to keep it, actually.
All we need is three bags
to take 'em home with.
[Jeremy] I mean, this
is, I think, restorable.
[James] I think mine is.
It'd have to completely come apart.
[Jeremy] Anyway, listen.
We must plough on, 'cause obviously,
we've finished the programme,
now we've gotta finish the show.
- [Richard] The whole thing.
- [Jeremy] So Oh.
[Richard] What?
What?
[Jeremy mumbling]
We've got a small problem.
- [Richard] What?
- [Jeremy mumbling] Well, that's silver.
- [James] Oh, yeah.
- We've got to get across the border.
- The silver.
- [Jeremy] We've got a lot of silver.
I mean, if we go through with them,
that's smuggling.
[James] It is, yes.
Shall we remove it?
- [Richard] No.
- No, that would be
- [Jeremy] Well
- Well, you really can't!
- [Jeremy] You'd have no more downforce.
- [Richard] Yes.
- [Richard] What do we do? Style it out.
- Style it out.
- Relaxed.
- [Jeremy] Relax is the way.
Job's a good 'un.
[tense music]
- [Jeremy] Hello.
- How are you?
[Jeremy] Very well. How are you?
[customs officer] Do you have
anything to declare?
No.
[heart beating]
- [officer] Can you step outside, please?
- Yes.
[heart beating faster]
He's trying to look normal.
[officer] Can you help us
to open the bonnet?
[heart beating fast]
[Richard] Don't go round
the back of his car.
[officer] Alright.
Alright, thank you for your cooperation.
You can go through.
Thank you very much.
[officer] Thank you, sir.
[Jeremy] Thank you.
Thank you.
[sighing with relief]
[engine purring]
[chuckling] Yes! Yes!
I'm just gonna play it as
I'm just like a quiet,
softly spoken
just a fairly miserable guy.
I'm just not
I'm not gonna be
my bouncy self, 'cause I'll overdo it.
- [customs officer] Good day, sir.
- Good day.
- [officer] How are you?
- [Richard] Very well, thank you.
You have reached the Pandamatenga
border post into Botswana.
[Richard] What?
[officer] You have reached
the Pandamatenga
- border post into Botswana.
- [Richard] Yes, yeah.
- Do you have anything to declare?
- [Richard] No.
Can you come and open the boot for us?
[heart beating fast]
- [officer] Please, can you move with us?
- [Richard] Yep.
[James] That's not
very promising, is it?
[heart beating fast]
- [woman officer] Thank you very much.
- [Richard] You're welcome, thank you.
[officer] Enjoy Botswana.
- And have fun.
- [Richard] I will.
[officer] Thank you.
Yeah, I killed it.
[officer] Please can you come
and open the bonnet?
[James] You'll notice, when I open this
bonnet, this is the original Stag engine
and not the transplanted Rover one.
[James panting]
[heart beating]
[officer] Open the door for me.
[heart beating]
[James] So there are quite a lot
of empty drinks tins.
[heart beating faster]
[officer] Alright, sir.
You can close the door.
[James] Thank you.
Oh, shit, the steering wheel's hot.
The steering wheel's hot,
but don't draw attention to it.
Thank you.
[officer] Thank you, sir.
Knee steer. Knee steer.
[sighing with pain] Ow.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Us three smugglers
were now on our final drive together.
[soft music continues]
Heading to our favourite place
in the world.
[Jeremy] We've travelled thousands
and thousands and thousands of miles
and had thousands and thousands
and thousands of adventures.
And we're gonna end up
right where we started.
[soft music continues]
Never thought
that what we do together would
would go on as it has.
I was excited when I got the job,
way back.
Very excited.
But I never dreamed
it would grow into a career
and life-defining adventure.
And, occasionally,
nearly career and life-ending adventure.
I can't pretend it isn't gonna be
a wrench, ending this.
'Cause it is.
[soft music continues]
22 years.
More than a third of my life.
This is going to hit me
in quite small ways.
Like there's a green bag,
I have a green holdall
that I've used since the
very first special in Botswana.
I've always used it for specials,
but I've never taken it anywhere else.
So what will I do with that green bag?
One day, I'll come across it
in that cupboard where we keep the bags.
And I'll think: "Oh, yeah."
And it will come back.
Anyway.
I hope
we've brought you
a little bit of happiness.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Several miles further on,
Hammond broke down again.
[engine sputtering]
Er, my car isn't starting.
[Jeremy] And even though
this was our last-ever drive,
we felt duty bound
to react in the usual manner.
[James on radio]
We shall leave you to the wolves.
[engine sputtering]
[rock music]
[Jeremy] And, as the tarmac surface
was about to stop
["Monte Carlo"
by Struggle Jennings playing]
[Jeremy] I decided to give
my feisty little Twin Cam
one last blast.
Monte Carlo ♪
Stood tall on that concrete ♪
With a heart of gold
and some lead feet ♪
Kids to feed, give
'em what they need ♪
'Cause I refuse to be
another dead beat ♪
Now, lesson learned
As the tires burned ♪
Been a long road full of sharp turns ♪
Catching all the curves
Give it gas and swerve ♪
Eyes on the journey
till it's all a blur ♪
[Jeremy] Right, now,
finally heading through the bush
to the Makgadikgadi.
Sand roads. I remember those.
God, they were so good.
So comfortable.
The hell?
No way.
Holy shit.
It's my car.
It's my car from the very first special.
Is that? It can't be James' Merc.
I don't believe it.
The Lite Bite Cafe.
That is astonishing.
I'm I'm I'm slightly
choked up.
Hang on a minute.
The doors were off. No, were they? Yes.
Someone's found the doors
that we took off
to cross the Makgadikgadi.
[James] What's up?
You're not going to believe this.
You are not going to believe this.
Jeez, is it?
[Jeremy] It's my car.
It's my old Lancia.
- Is that my Mercedes?
- I think that's your Mercedes.
[James] I'll know if this is mine,
because
it'll have the five-speed gear knob
on the four-speed box.
[Jeremy laughing]
Christ, it is!
I'm I'm I'm absolutely
My heart's just gone kinda nuts.
[James] Look, yeah, the badge is gone,
which I took as a souvenir.
- Souvenir?
- Yes.
[Jeremy] You know what I've kept
as a souvenir on every single special?
Every single special,
I've had it with me.
- Yes! Yes!
- I've got it with me now. Hang on.
[James] Where is it?
[Jeremy] It's in my suitcase.
It's always in my suitcase.
Sorry, everyone.
[James giggling]
That was my souvenir.
[James] Let's stick it in.
[Jeremy] I'm sure I took it from here.
[James] There you go.
It's got its eye back!
[James] So somebody found
They must be the same doors.
Somebody found those
and stuck 'em back on.
[Jeremy] We left them
I remember, we had to lighten.
[James] I think we left the doors
with that bloke.
[Jeremy] Noah.
- [James] That's right.
- Noah the bush mechanic.
I wonder if Noah went and recovered
the cars and put the doors back on.
He probably did.
[trunk closing]
Okay.
Incredible.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Having spent the night
in a luxury camp,
we met for breakfast
with our minds all focused
on the same thing.
[phone bleeping]
[Jeremy] Have you heard anything
from Amazon?
- [Richard] Yeah, I got an email here.
- [Jeremy] Have you?
They want their laptops back.
So no big fat cheque? No contract?
No letter pleading
with us to keep going?
No, I got nothing.
Right, well, this really is
our last breakfast then, isn't it?
[Richard] Yeah.
This is it.
[Jeremy] Have you seen this, Hammond?
When you broke down yesterday,
we were driving along.
[Richard] Wait, are those?
Are they your cars from when
we were last here? Seriously?
[Jeremy] Yeah. They were just
at the side of the road.
It's definitely the same ones.
So they've been here ever since.
Driving about.
It still smells the same, the Mercedes.
And talking of which,
we've got the final push today.
A short journey to Kubu Island.
[Richard] Mm-hmm.
[Jeremy] Across the salt pans.
Why don't we do it
Makgadikgadi style?
[tense music]
[Jeremy] This is it.
This is how we did it the last time.
No doors!
What a way to end The Grand Tour!
What a place!
[engines roaring]
["Brothers in Arms"
by Dire Straits playing]
["Brothers in Arms" continues playing]
These mist-covered mountains ♪
Are a home now for me ♪
But my home is the lowlands ♪
And always will be ♪
Someday you'll return to ♪
Your valleys and your farms ♪
And you'll no longer burn
to be brothers in arms ♪
["Brothers in Arms" continues playing]
[Jeremy] There it is.
Kubu Island.
Oh, God, I think that's it.
That is it.
["Brothers in Arms continues" playing]
There's our tree.
It just remains for me to say,
thank you very, very much for watching.
Thank you.
It means a lot.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Poof.
And, er
That's it.
[mike cutting off]
["My Sweet Lord"
by George Harrison playing]
My sweet Lord ♪
Mm, my Lord ♪
I really want to see you ♪
Really want to be with you ♪
Really want to see you, Lord
But it takes so long, my Lord ♪
My sweet Lord ♪
Mm, my Lord ♪
I really wanna see you ♪
Really wanna see you ♪
Really wanna see you, Lord ♪
Really wanna see you, Lord
But it takes so long, my Lord ♪
Hallelujah ♪
My sweet Lord ♪
Hallelujah ♪
Mm, my Lord ♪
Hallelujah ♪
My, my, my Lord ♪
Hallelujah ♪
I really wanna know you ♪
Hallelujah ♪
Really wanna go with you Hallelujah ♪
Really wanna show you, Lord ♪
That it won't take long, my Lord ♪
Hallelujah ♪
Mm, my Lord ♪
Hallelujah ♪
- My sweet Lord ♪
- [music fading out]
[Jeremy] Are we ready, gentlemen?
[Richard] Honestly, I don't know.
- [Jeremy] He's on it!
- [James] I'm on the shunter!
[Richard laughing] A properly
three-legged old man went past!
[James] Maybe leaking slightly.
[Jeremy] What a moron.
[Richard] There must have been 40 people
in the room when the police arrived.
- [car crashing]
- [Richard] Woah!
[James] Clarkson!
[Jeremy] Sideways in linen.
- [James] Bollocks.
- [Richard giggling]
[Jeremy] Get out of the way,
get out of the way, I'm in a race.
- [James] Let's sing a song.
- [Richard] No.
[Jeremy] There's no dignity in that,
is there?
[Richard] Nah.
[Jeremy] Okay, it's time now
and, nobody's ever said this
on a car show before,
save the world.
[Richard] We don't all have to go
to the same old folk's home, do we?
- [James] No.
- [Jeremy laughing]