The Mindy Project s06e01 Episode Script

1 Previously on "The Mindy Project" - Dad, that's it.
- We'll take it.
- You don't want to get married? - I don't.
Karen, it would seriously rule if you would be my wife.
- Yes! - Oh! You are remarkable in every way, and you shouldn't be with somebody who doesn't appreciate that.
I'm not ready to get married.
I got cold feet and snuck out.
What're you doing here? I want to get married.
To you.
[classical music.]
By now you know that I love romantic comedies, and why wouldn't I? I was a nerdy Indian kid growing up in Concord, Massachusetts, AKA Snooze Town, USA.
Thanks to asthma and corrective shoes, I didn't have much adventure in my own life, but at least I could still always watch two beautiful white people fall in love against the odds.
But the real reason I love romantic comedies? They always end the same way.
Marriage.
Marriage.
Marriage.
And then I got married.
[Aretha Franklin's "Rescue Me".]
Rescue me Oh, take me in your arms Rescue me I want your tender charms 'Cause I'm lonely, and I'm blue I need you and your love too Come on and rescue me Come on, baby, and rescue me Come on, baby And rescue me 'Cause I need you by my side Can't you see that I'm lonely? Mm-hmm - Take me, baby - Take me, baby - Love me, baby - Love me, baby Morning.
I'm making your favorite food.
A pile of something.
I wish I could stay, but I'm actually headed to spin, and if I don't get there early, bike 69 gets taken, and then what's the point? Spin class? Really? 'Cause the last time you worked out, you coughed up blood like you were a character dying in an opera.
Yeah, I'm not proud of that, but now that I'm married, I thought it'd be nice to be a little, I don't know, more heart healthy.
Plus, I love how in spin, it's easy to get away with farting, as long as you're not near the candles.
You know, Leo's with his dad this week, and Lindsay's with her mom.
I was thinking, you and I, we could hang out, open a bottle of wine, watch "Star Trek: The Next Generation.
" Data always gets you going.
Ugh.
I love his waxy skin and his yellow eyes.
Mm-kay.
I'll be there.
[upbeat music.]
Can we start the meeting without Dr.
L? I have to go to the bathroom.
Hello, look who decided to show up.
You know, I was on time, even though I have a devastating injury.
Okay, I didn't tell you to fall off your bunk bed.
- He wasn't even on the top bunk.
- Shh.
It doesn't matter how I got hurt.
And for the record, you guys have to sign my cast.
I'm the only one that signed it.
I'm starting to look like a real loser.
Hello? Doctor Doctor Z? Morgan, we've spent enough time talking about your injury.
I've already agreed to buy your NeckStrong bracelet.
For $49, which, I might add, is a ridiculous price.
- Thank you.
- Yes, Karen? Sorry to interrupt, Dr.
Reed, but I noticed over the weekend that it's your anniversary as managing partner, so I baked your favorite cookie for everyone.
All-bran digestives.
Extra fibrous.
Karen Mmm! So dry and coarse.
Just how I like it.
Thank you so much, Karen.
You've really made such a difference to this office.
Every countertop is clean.
Every brochure is crisply folded.
I can see my reflection in our uterus model, such is its polish.
- None for you.
- Come on, I'm starving! You know I need to add mass if I'm gonna desegregate men's wrestling.
I don't bake cookies for people who leave me at the altar.
I didn't leave you at the altar! I left you at the engagement party.
Ah in other anniversary news, Anna and I will be leaving early today to celebrate our first eight months together.
When you find out what we're doing, you will die with envy.
We're going to a lecture on 12th-century embroidery at the Cloisters.
She's been needling me about it all week.
Well, I hear the lecture is quite a stitch.
That's very good.
Why can't you just be normal and bone down in the office like the rest of us? Meeting adjourned.
Bye.
- Pleasure.
- Is it good? Hey! Walk much? Damn it, Karen! Everyone, just so you know, I can walk.
I can walk much.
- I don't think she can walk.
- I don't she can.
- I've noticed that about her.
- She definitely can't run.
[theme song.]
[upbeat music.]
Oh! Hey, Tamra.
- Hey, Dr.
L.
- [gasps.]
Did you finally accept my offer to run my social media? Even the Chinese bots that I paid for won't follow me anymore.
No, I just quit all social media as a social media stunt, but I'll be back on in a week.
I'm actually here as a patient.
Here's the deal.
I have a lot of love to give, and I'm sick of wasting it on losers, and I finally found something I like more than myself.
The idea of another me.
Oh.
I don't do cloning.
If I could, there'd be, like, eight Chris Pines in here No, no, Dr.
L.
I want you to help me get pregnant.
Oh.
My God.
You want to be a single mother by choice? [gasps.]
You must have been inspired by me, your same-age mentor.
Oh, yeah, you do have a kid.
What's his name? Leon? Well, look, don't tell anyone, okay, especially not Morgan, he still has feelings for me.
He's always coming up with these dumb excuses to hug me, like, "Happy Monday," or, "Whoa, made it through another Monday.
" I won't tell anyone.
Part of this procedure would require you to give yourself daily hormone injections.
We do have an injectables class.
Oh, my God, I am a nurse, okay? I'll be fine.
I could find a vein on a former child actor.
[percussive music.]
Jeremy, I love you and Anna together.
I still can't believe that you guys are dating.
Well Hey, tell me about your sex life.
You're both so smooth.
Do you just, like, slide all over each other? It can be a concern.
We keep the windows closed.
Yeah, I'm sure.
I need you guys to fire Karen.
Karen's gone too far.
When I got to work, there were worms in my desk.
And she took 'em! I was going fishing.
That is ridiculous.
We're not firing Karen.
She's wonderful.
She keeps my clear nail polish stocked up in the men's powder room.
Can you just make Karen be nicer to me? You know what? No.
Because the way that you dumped her was pretty damn mean.
And this is coming from someone who was left for dead in the Adirondacks by her ex-boyfriend.
Well, then, you're gonna reimburse me for my worms.
Man, it is crazy that an office romance is devastating this workplace, and you have nothing to do with it, Dr.
L.
You're right.
That's cool.
I guess me and Anna really beat the odds.
You know, I'm actually thinking of asking her to move in with me.
And as someone who's had to live with with the consequences of terrible decisions their whole life, I would love to get your advice.
Oh, my God.
There is so little that I'm wise about.
It would be an honor.
You know, I was actually thinking we could dish over bubbly tonight at Tiara's Champagne Palace.
There is a Roxette cover band playing.
What? Roxette? "She's got the look"? - All right.
- You knows it.
And I'm in too, and I have some thoughts about your relationship.
I'm psyched for tonight.
I repurposed our leftovers from last night into kind of a cool soup.
I wish I could, but Jeremy's going through something big right now, and I need to be with him.
I'm all yours.
Can you tell Dr.
Reed I'll be joining you guys tonight? Oh, I think this is for people who have been in committed relationships.
I dated a girl who was literally committed! Renee! Okay.
Tamra, you're a nurse.
You give people shots for a living, like, every day.
It's just a long scary, sharp needle that you need to jab 1 inch above your womb.
Okay.
One.
Two.
[instruments clatter.]
[upbeat music.]
Finally, an overdose around here that isn't me.
Headed to bed.
Dinner's in the fridge.
Don't microwave with a fork in it again.
The fire department said they wouldn't come this time.
Good night.
[relaxing music.]
[upbeat music.]
Karen? I finished my burrito.
I need my special pills.
You know the ones.
To be clear, I mean my fart pills.
Damn it, woman.
This is a place of business.
Some of the most well-to-do women in Manhattan are patients here.
We do not need to hear about your flatulence day in and day out.
Fair enough.
Hey, where is Karen? Oh, I fired her.
Colette had a problem with her, so I took care of it.
Wait, what? You can't just fire someone because your sister's mad at her.
It's sexual harassment.
And it's not even the fun kind.
Well, I'm sorry, Mindy, but what's done is done.
We'll find someone, and as long as they don't date or upset my sister in any way, we should be fine.
In the meantime, Beverly will be filling in.
Beverly? But she's terrible at her job! Anna.
I need to speak to you.
And it's actually quite serious.
Oh, no.
Your bird, Roger, finally died.
Eighty's a good, long life.
Oh, no, no.
No, Roger's doing quite well.
The vet says he has another 40 years, thank God.
That's fantastic.
I love him and how close your bond is.
Yeah, well, it's not about my bird.
But it is about my nest.
And I'm not looking to clip your wings, but Jeremy.
We date.
You don't have to segue.
I love how direct you are.
And I think you should move in with me.
Oh.
I've never been so happy with a woman since my governess, Schnade.
And you don't hit me with a spoon when I stutter.
Well, this is very surprising.
This is a big decision, and I will need to make a thorough pros-and-cons list and get back to you at a later date.
Yes! It's not a no.
Take that, Roger.
[upbeat music.]
Excuse me.
You're new, right? What's your story? Let me guess.
Elderly husband.
Demented sperm.
Don't worry.
That's, like, half the class.
Oh, no, I'm a single mom by choice.
Well, welcome.
You'll love the teacher.
He's a real character.
He? Hello, everyone.
Okay, ah, bah, bah, quiet.
Psh.
Psh.
Hey.
Ziiiip.
Welcome to Hormone Injections 101.
I'm Professor Tookers.
By the end of this class, you are going to be able to give yourself a progesterone injection and, quite possibly, fall in love with me.
Any questions? Yes.
How did you hurt your neck? You asked the same question last week.
Thought you were joking.
I wasn't joking.
Are you joking right now? - No.
- Class clown? We got a class clown, everyone.
Oh.
Tip jar.
Money goes in here.
Not Band-Aids.
Mm-kay? Not nails.
Please don't put garbage in it.
So, I see some new faces.
And Tamra? Tamra Webb? My former lover? [knock on door.]
Oh.
You packed up all your stolen toilet paper.
You must be headed out.
In a little bit.
Oh.
Did you come to me for fashion advice? I think you should get a pixie cut.
Guys will love it.
No.
Stop trying to make me ugly.
You probably heard that Jeremy asked me to move in with him.
I told him I'd think about it.
While I enjoy being with Jeremy, I've only ever had three boyfriends.
Like, this week? No.
In my life.
Anna! I've had, like, a million boyfriends.
The key is to have no standards.
I went straight from my gymnastics coach to my ex-husband Tim to Jeremy.
Sure, he's better than both of them.
They're in prison.
Was Bela Karolyi right when he said [nasally.]
"No man will ever be good enough for my Anna"? Look, Anna, you were not here when I was going through my cool slutty feminist phase, but I dated a lot of guys before Ben, okay? So there are going to be men out there who are funnier, who are more successful, with whom you have more of a spark.
Exactly.
No, I just, I'm worried that I never got to see what else is out there, as they say.
All right.
I am going to tell you about every guy that I've ever dated so that you can see all the bullets that you've dodged.
Both figuratively and literally.
[sighs.]
Oh, God.
Oh.
Oh! Is that Oscar Pistorius? Yes.
He had two legs before I started dating him.
And kind of a temper.
Tamra, we need to talk.
First of all, happy Monday.
Aw, yeah.
You smell really good.
- Okay.
- Okay.
How could you not tell me you're trying to get pregnant? I tell you everything.
I text you when I cut my toenails this morning.
I went way too deep.
I can barely walk.
Okay.
I'm having a baby by myself.
I'm happy for you, but there's a part of me that always kind of wanted to put a little Morgan in there.
So I'm torn.
Which is what you would be if you had one of my kids.
My head was this big when I came out of my mama.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Good-bye hug? One hug a day.
Good night, sweetheart.
[upbeat music.]
Well, Tamra, I got your bloodwork back.
Your progesterone level is way too low.
You haven't been taking your shots.
I know, Dr.
L, it's too hard.
I don't even get it.
I love giving other people shots.
Too much sometimes.
Especially those little old white ladies.
It's like, stop asking me about my hair.
Look it up online.
Look, if you can't stick to this program, I think you're gonna have to find another doctor.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Dr.
L.
I know I messed up.
So you're gonna give yourself the injections? - Yeah, I promise.
- Good.
Well, now that tough love is over, I think we should go to dinner.
Yeah, I really want to talk about baby names.
Lately, I've been feeling young animals.
- Fawn.
Duckling.
Larvae.
- Ew.
Good night, sweetheart.
[upbeat music.]
[yawning.]
Ben? Morning.
Let's talk breakfast.
I was thinking, do you know how to make one of those cartoon ham steaks with the little bone in it? Ben? Ben? [dramatic music.]
Hey, where are you? I was just talking about ham to nobody again.
But I guess you can't tell the difference between me and a bunch of pillows.
I've been in New Jersey for the past two days.
You haven't even noticed.
Oh, my God.
Look, this is all just a misunderstanding.
Yes, it was wrong of me to not realize that you had been gone for two days and had been replaced by a bunch of pillows.
And it was wrong for me to have sex with those pillows and not realize it wasn't you, but you know what, there has been a lot going on with me at work.
Really? Because according to your Instagram, you've just been going to a lot of dinners.
Dinners with coworkers who are having big, life-or-death problems.
Anna is considering whether or not to move in with Jeremy.
Colette asked Jody to fire Karen.
And Tamra, she doesn't know what she's gonna name her baby, and she's not even pregnant yet.
As I'm hearing these excuses, I'm realizing that they're bad.
Mm-hmm, well, call me crazy, but I'd rather spend time hanging out with my wife than my coworkers.
I think I'm just used to spending so much time by myself that I forgot how to share it with anyone else but Leo.
I'm really sorry, and I want you to come home.
Okay, but we have to hang out tonight.
No matter how late you see patients.
No matter what drama comes up at work.
- We need to see each other, okay? - I promise.
And please tell me I'm better at sex than those pillows.
The lumbar one does have some moves.
Yeah, the lumbar one's pretty good.
[upbeat music.]
[horns honking.]
Beverly! I'm eating my chili! My pills, please! Here you go.
What was that? That tasted weird.
I don't know.
It was in my pocket.
Oh, lucky you.
It was my antipsychotic.
Oh, for God's sakes.
Enough is enough.
Jody! Hey, relax, you're gonna have a great day.
- Hey, man.
- Hello.
I just took one of Beverly's crazy pills.
And yes, I am thinking more clearly than I have in a long, long time, but this has got to stop.
You gotta hire Karen back.
Well, I will admit, things have gone to seed around here without her.
Karen was diluting my bourbon, thus quietly curing my alcoholism.
I've never been so still.
Beverly washed all the doctors' lab coats with a red hat.
Your lab coat ruined my Trump hat.
Colette? Colette.
Hey! Hey! Both of you, you're in big trouble.
- I didn't do anything.
- What? Colette, I know it's rare for Southern people, but we made a mistake.
I need you to apologize to Karen and beg her to come back.
No way! Karen got fired for a reason.
I was related to the boss, and he took my side.
That's how business works.
Now, Colette, we Kimball-Kinneys are players, and we break a lot of hearts, but we must be careful that we aren't cruel to the people we reject.
When I spurned Mindy because she wasn't pretty enough, I could have had Jeremy fire her.
Yeah, and I would have done it.
I remember this very differently.
But we're doing great without Karen! I feel like things are running better than they ever have.
Oh, come on, the rat got my cookie! Oh, God! It's on your foot! It's on your foot! All right, fine.
I will call Karen.
Put it on speakerphone, you little sneak.
[dialing, phone rings.]
This is Karen, receptionist to no one.
Hi, Karen, it it's Colette.
I know you hate me 'cause I hit it and quit it, but I was wrong for getting you fired, and everybody wants you back.
Except for me.
- The answer is no - Ah.
way I'd ever refuse such an incredible opportunity.
I'm actually here, in the waiting room.
Perfect.
Run.
Run.
Hey, hey, hey, while I got you.
Perfect time to sign my cast.
Do you have a marker or pen? No, no, no.
Guys, guys, please.
Colette? Hello, Colette? I was actually coming to beg for my job back.
So I wasn't cool about getting dumped.
I'm sorry.
I was a huge biotch.
We're lesbians.
If we can't be chill with our exes, I couldn't go into any hardware store in the city.
So are we cool just being friends? Yeah, we're cool, until I get another girlfriend.
Come on, Tamra, if you can date Harvey Weinstein, you can do this.
[whistling.]
Oh! Goddamn.
Sorry.
Didn't know anyone was in here.
What are you doing in the women's room? I collect Beverly's beer cans.
I bring them to the deposit.
Oh, I see my injection class has paid off.
Yeah.
I'm trying this new technique where I, like, tense up real tight and tell myself my life will be ruined if I don't do it.
Then I just kind of try to fall onto the syringe.
Morgan, I can't do this.
Can you please let me help you? - Yeah.
- All right, what is going on? It's like, there's this one version of me that really wants a baby.
But then there's this other version that is trying to undermine my dreams.
You just gotta keep doing this for a little while longer, and then before you know it, you get to go to the fun part.
Making a little Tamra.
So you think I could actually be a good mom? You are smart.
You got a good heart.
No one is better at yelling at me and Colette to wash our hands.
I do like shouting at y'all.
All right, I guess you should give me this shot.
- Okay, are you ready? - Yeah.
Good.
'Cause I already did.
Boom! I'm the king of sting.
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
Thank you.
You know what? If there's space, I'd still like to sign your neck brace.
Are you serious? I Let me go get a marker.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Ooh.
No time.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, Tam.
You didn't have to pick up.
Roger, I don't know what to do.
[Roger squawks.]
Stop, you never liked her anyway.
[door handle shuffles.]
Oh.
Jeremy what are you doing in here? - [Roger squawks.]
- Talking to your bird? Oh, dear.
I know.
Is the cleaning lady bullying you again? Anna said she doesn't want to move in with me.
She says she wants to see what else is out there and maybe make some mistakes.
I kept on telling her that Mother always called me a mistake.
Well, I'm sorry.
I want you to know, as your best friend, I am here, I'm prepared to take the brunt of your despair.
Thanks, mate.
However, now that Anna is available She repeatedly told me that she's not into you and that you asked her out several times while we were dating.
I assure you my intentions were purely sexual.
Oh, well, that's better.
Sorry.
Congrats, that baby is Instagram ready.
Thank you so much, Dr.
Lahiri.
And I'm sorry, when you told me to push, I called you a bitch.
Hey, wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last.
Good night.
[phone vibrates.]
- [phone chimes.]
- I'm waiting up for you.
ETA? I'm dying to see you.
Leaving right now.
[yawning.]
[Aretha Franklin's "Rescue Me".]
Rescue me Oh, take me in your arms Rescue me I want your tender charms 'Cause I'm lonely, and I'm blue I need you and your love too Come on and rescue me Come on, baby, and rescue me Come on, baby And rescue me 'Cause I need you by my side Can't you see that I'm lonely? Rescue me Come on, baby And rescue me Come on, baby, and rescue me 'Cause I need you by my side Can't you see that I'm lonely?