The Two Ronnies (1971) s06e01 Episode Script
Series 6, Episode 1
1 (Applause) Good evening.
It's good to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be meeting the Runcorn woman who married a Gas Board fitter and complains that on her wedding night three of them turned up.
(Laughter) One to estimate the job, one to do it and one to pick up the bits in the morning.
(Laughter) Then I'll be talking to a Tinsley man who got into the headlines yesterday when he sat on a lathe and gave himself a nasty turn.
(Laughter) But first, the news.
After three years of hard work, Irish intelligence experts today cracked Britain's Highway Code.
(Laughter) At the indoor horticultural show today, first place in the Allcomers Posy Class was taken by Mr TA Rose with two bunches of pansies.
The second place was taken by two pansies with a bunch of roses.
(Laughter) And trouble at Dartmoor Prison today when a bomb destroyed the toilet block.
Local residents have complained that since then at least 2O inmates have been seen going over the wall.
(Laughter) Foreign news.
French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape-treaders' sit-in.
(Laughter) But now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, who recently gained a degree in mathematics from the Open University and is now looking out for a job as a pocket calculator.
Hello? Anybody there? Ah.
Good morning.
- I'm sorry, I meant - (Bell pings ) Oh, sorry, sorry.
I meant to er I-I-I meant to er I meant I Good morning, Miss Prendergast.
You're early.
- Ah, good morning.
- Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
Erm, could I have er two pounds of potatoes, please? - No, no, no, sir.
This is an optician's, sir.
- What, what? - Optician's.
It says so over the door.
- Oh, sorry.
So it does, yes.
Well, I was coming in here anyway cos I've got it down on my list - - greengrocer's and optician's.
You see? - Oh, I see, yes.
It was er It was the wife's idea, actually.
- Do sit down, will you? - Thank you very much.
Er, you're er You're er You're new here, aren't you? - Yes, I've been here about six months.
- Yes, I thought I hadn't seen you before.
Yes, the other lady left to get married.
- Butbut you're not a lady, are you? - No, no, no.
- No, I just took her job, you see.
- Yes.
- Would you care for a cup of tea? - That's very nice, yes.
Now, tell me, whatwhat seems to be the trouble? I've just got the feeling that my sight isn't quite what it used to be.
Oh dear, dear, dear.
Whatever makes you think that? Well, I started bumping into people at the office, you know.
People I work with.
- Oh, really? What sort of people? - Well, the people I share the office with, I kept bumping into them and realised I hadn't seen them properly for a long time.
- Oh dear.
Do you take sugar? - No, no sugar for me.
Right, there we are, then.
You have that.
Do sit down and we'll see if we can work something out for you.
Thank you very much.
It can be rather inconvenient, you know, spectacles.
I don't know, do you wear them at al.
Er, well, I must confess, yes, I do wear them, yes, but only for reading and for seeing things, you know.
Yes, well, I was passing by so I thought I'd just sort of pop in, you know.
Yes, yes.
Well, you obviously need something a lot stronger.
Yes, I do.
Thank you very much, yes.
- Well, I tell you what we'll do.
- Yes? We'll just have a look at some eye charts, shall we? - And we'll test your eyes.
- Right.
Yes.
Is there a Is there a dog in here? No, no, no.
That was me.
I was just er Well, I was just scratching myself, you know.
Right, now then, let's start.
Before we start, would you take off your glasses, please? - Are they off? - Yes.
Oh, good.
Yes, well, let's start er Start here from the top, would you, reading? Right.
I'm sorry, could you wave your arms about? I've lost my sense of direction a bit.
- I'm over here.
- Oh, yes.
Sorry.
That's it.
Er No, I'm afraid that's completely stumped me, that chart.
I'm sorry, I Don't worry, we've got plenty more.
Try the one on the back.
- Eh? - I say try the one on the back.
- No, A.
- Oh, A.
No, no.
Not A, no.
- B? C? - No.
No.
Keep going.
- E? - E.
Very good, yes.
E.
- Try the next line, would you? - Er, no, sorry.
Don't worry.
I'll give you a clue.
What do you see with? - Your eye? - I.
I.
Yes.
And what do you do with your eye? - See? - C! Very good indeed, yes.
Now then, now then, try the next line on your own.
Er, I'm sorry, is there a is there a next line? - I can't - Oh, probably not, probably not.
That's fine.
D'you know I'm sorry, I have to say this.
I almost didn't see any of that last chart.
Don't worry, it's just a question of trial and error, trial and error.
Don't worry about it.
Now then, let's have a look.
What about that? - A? - A! Yes.
And I didn't help you at all with that one.
- No.
No, I got I? - Er, no, that's the hat-stand.
- H? - No, you're reading all the furniture.
I'll tell you what, though See if you can See if you can grab the end of this long pole.
- Have you got it? - Yes.
Thank goodness for that.
I'm er I'm just going to get the test-frames now.
- We'll try a few lenses.
- Right.
Yes, here we go.
Right.
Here we are.
Now we'll justjust put these on.
Oh, no Oh (Laughs ) - That's it.
Are they all right? - Yes.
Good.
Now, then, first of all we have to black that one out, you see.
Yes.
Yes.
- Let's look at one of these, shall we? - Uh-huh.
There we are.
Now tell me, is that better or worse? - That is worse.
- Oh.
Er, well, let's see.
What about What about that? How's that? That's, erm That's fractionally better, actually.
- What about if I do that? - Oh, no, that's worse.
No.
- That's it.
- That is your prescription, then.
All we need now is to find out what sort of frames you would like.
- Off we go.
Follow me.
- Right.
I er Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Oh.
Ha.
Now, let's see what sort of frames we've got here.
Here we are.
Try this nice red pair on.
There we are.
Let me have those.
Thank you.
Try those.
There you are.
Look in the hand-mirror, see what you think.
Erm I think this makes me look a little old.
Oh, yes, it does.
Oh, wait a minute, this is not a mirror, this is a photograph of an old lady.
No, they're no good.
- Have you any others at al.
- Er, well, ermthere's these.
What about these? These are Oh! Wonderful! - I can see everything as clearly as - No, they're mine, they're mine.
- No, these are yours.
There.
- Are you sure? They Good gracious! I can see The whole thing's become clear to me.
Wonderful.
Isn't that lovely? I trust you'll just send me on the bil.
Certainly not.
I wouldn't dream of such a thing.
No, no, no.
You've helped me just as much as I've helped you.
It's very kind of you to say so.
Bye-bye.
Well, well, well, well, well.
(Applause ) Good evening.
Last year I spoke to you, appealing for help for those who, like myself, have trouble with worms.
They can't pronounce their worms correctly.
Now, I am the secretary for the Loyal Society for the Relief of Sufferers from Pismonunciation.
Now, the reason I am once more squeaking to you tonight is that many people last time couldn't understand what I was spraying.
So I am back again on your little queens to strain it and make it all queer for you.
It's a terrible thung to be ting-tied.
It's even worse when your weirds get all muxed up and come out in wuch a say that you dick not what your thugging be.
Like I did just then, only crutch much nurse.
Now, it can be cured by careful draining at special draining stools of which the society has fed up all over the Twittish Isles.
And, for the really dickyfelt cases, we have a three-week bash course on the Isle of Fright.
The doctors can get to grips with the patients and the nurses can get to grips with the doctors and everyone has a dolly good climb.
Except the patients, of course, who find it dudley delldoddly dealdiddly doll.
Or, in other words, bitefully flooring.
People have tried to cure themselves.
They stand in front of their bodroom mirror and say, ''Every day, in every way, I get bitter and butter.
'' But it doesn't cure them.
You can bott your wife.
And most of them usually do.
The disease is spreading.
It affects people from all walks of loaf - members of the swivel service, lawyers, sillysodders .
.
commercial drivellers, copkeepers and wactory-furkers.
It's mostly on the night-shirt.
And, of course, famous piddlyticians like Widdley Hamilton.
Not forgetting Penoch Owell, stars of screege and stain like Black Mygraves, Frantic Howerd and Peculiar Clark.
And, of course, Rude-old Nureyev, the ballet dangler.
How can you help? Well, for a tart, it's no good.
.
It's no good simply trying to correct people when they suffer from this complaining distress.
My wife does it to me all the time.
''Lucky old you,'' I hear you squirt.
No, no, I mean she corrects me when I get anyring thong and it makes me lavvy and ingrid.
Last time, I backed her up the kickside.
We need money.
Your mini.
You may row ashore that it will be put to the best possible use by myself and my large and loyal stiff.
Send your chocs or pistol orders today.
Smash open your baggy pinks.
Dip your hand into your wife's bags and send us a few cod hoppers.
Or why not simply slip a pond newt into an envelope? Send your donations to me .
.
at my new address I'll just repeat that.
Thank you for glistening.
Good night and a Crappy Isthmus to you.
(Applause ) The tourist season in London.
Excited foreigners pour in from all over the globe, lured by London's glamour, its unrivalled pageant of history and its shady nightspots, where anything might happen and hardly ever does.
This particular season has its own special, grisly extra attraction - murder.
A dead yokel.
One of a long line of dead yokels whose bodies had been appearing with increasing frequency throughout the year.
Police were mystified.
At Scotland Yard they were twiddling their thumbs and fidgeting with their feet.
And a few miles away in Neasden, Charlie Farley, an important half of that well-known two-man team, waited for the other one and a half, Piggy Malone, to return.
My search was completely fruitless.
All the greengrocers are shut.
Never mind greengrocers.
Read this.
Never mind ''Never mind greengrocers.
'' I've got to get fresh fruit if I'm gonna stay on this diet.
It's the only thing I fancy.
Well, read that.
That'll make your mouth water.
- Why, what is it? - Real front-page stuff, that's what it is.
- Where? - It's a real inside story, this is.
Well, make your mind up.
Is it on the front page or inside? Next page.
You will notice there, side by side, two almost identical features.
Yeah.
Nice, ain't they? Not page three, page two.
Two stories, both murders, both young men, both in London, both with their trousers tied with string.
What are they trying to hide? I dunno.
What would you be trying to hide if you tied your trousers up with string? - My point in a nutshell.
- There you are, then.
Both men were identically dressed, and the railway tickets and the possessions in their pockets prove that they'd both come from the same village in Devon - Drake's Bottom.
- Drake's what? - Exactly.
Funny name, isn't it? Sounds like a polite way of describing a haircut.
I mean, is that really a village? Well, I've looked it up in the railway guide.
The train leaves at 8:3O in the morning.
Train? You're not suggesting we get on a train to Devon, are you? Well, I'm not going all the way on a tandem.
Not with your weight and my butterfly-equipment bouncing around.
No, I mean are you suggesting we take the case? Certainly.
This village obviously holds a secret.
These two men were murdered because they were about to spill the beans.
- It's exciting.
- All right.
All right.
But I shall travel as Mickey Dunne, the famous crime novelist.
- What will you wear? - What I'm wearing now.
Well, what's the point of changing your name? Look, who you are is nothing to do with the clothes you wear nowadays, is it, eh? I mean, some of them writers are very scruffy, you know.
- Oh, well then, you'll be all right.
- Yeah.
Of course, youyou will have to travel as Algy, my schoolboy nephew.
Ah.
Why's that? Half fare, isn't it? (Horn parps ) (Horns blaring) Oi! Wait for Auntie.
Ah.
Is there room for two in here? Oh, I think so.
We're both small ones, aren't we? No.
I mean two more.
Me and my uncle.
He's a big one.
Oh, I see.
Er, yes.
I'm going to the restaurant car in a minute, anyway.
Oh, fine.
It's all right here, Uncle Mickey.
There's only one person in here.
It's a very old lady.
She won't be with us for very much longer.
Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.
Never mind.
Ooh.
- You all right? - Yeah.
One of your balls is rolling out the door, look.
Take the net out.
That's it.
There we are.
I don't know why you brought this at all.
Oh! Look, dear, can you go and sit over there, please? You're making the place untidy.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
I think I'll go to the restaurant car now.
Oh, I wouldn't want you to go before your time.
That's why I'm going to the restaurant car now.
We only just got that.
Lucky the barrier was still open.
Yeah.
Trouble is, I didn't have time to get any tickets.
Still, it's all money saved, innit, eh? Look at that cow.
It's all right for you saying that, but of course I'm in double trouble, aren't I? How do you mean? Well, not only am I trying to travel half fare but I'm trying to avoid paying that, as well.
So if an inspector catches me for not paying half fare, he could catch me again for trying to pay half fare instead of the full fare.
As opposed to you, who are only paying full fare.
Yeah, well, that sounds fair.
Well, half fair, anyway.
- There's another one.
- What? Cow.
So, what are we gonna do, then? He'll be here soon.
He's in the next carriage.
Tell you what, I'll disappear and you tell him that your uncle, Mr Mickey Dunne, has the tickets.
The name might impress him.
Perhaps he's read my books.
Don't forget to use your little-schoolboy voice.
Otherwise, the disguise means nothing, doesn't it? What are you gonna do? I'll lock myself in the loo.
Great heavens! - Hello.
Tickets, please.
- Er Erm, my uncle, Mickey Dunne, has got my ticket, sir.
Where is he? Erm He's, er He's popped out for a moment, sir.
OK.
You're not gonna make a catapult, are you? Oh.
Oh no, sir.
It's just I've got a terrible cold.
And I'm going to Devon for the conker season, sir.
- And what is your uncle's name? - Erm, Mickey Dunne, sir.
Well-known crime writer, sir.
OK.
Hey.
Are you Dunne? Not yet, no.
- I dodged him.
- Look at these, Chief.
Good God.
And my latest discovery - the return half of a ticket to Drake's Bottom.
Our two heroes stood amazed, dumbfounded.
What was the significance of the grisly clues? Was it murder on the Exeter express? What was up at Drake's Bottom? Find out next week, in the second exciting episode of Stop You're Killing Me.
(Applause ) Ladies and gentlemen, the Nolan Sisters.
(Applause ) ( # Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?) Don't know when I've been so blue Don't know what's come over you You've found someone new And don't it make my brown eyes blue I'll be fine when you're gone I'll just cry All night long Say it isn't true And don't it make my brown eyes blue Tell me no secrets Tell me some lies Give me no reasons Give me alibis Tell me you love me And don't make me cry Say anything But don't say goodbye I didn't mean To treat you bad Didn't know Just what I had But, honey, now I do And don't it make my brown eyes Don't it make my brown eyes Don't it make my brown eyes blue Don't it make my brown eyes Don't it make my brown eyes Don't it make my brown eyes Blue So blue (Applause ) - Evening, Harry.
- Hello, Bert.
What you gonna have? That's very kind of you.
I think I'll have a pint of erm - What? Light? Brown? What? - No.
Er - Mild? Bitter? - Bitter.
I'll have a pint of bitter.
Pint of bitter.
- How are you today? All right? - Mustn't grumble.
Mustn't grumble.
Just been up the, erm - Up the club? Dogs? What? - No.
- Fish shop? - No.
Er - Doctor's? - Doctor's.
Yeah, I've been up the doctor's.
Ta.
Yeah.
Only, I've been having a bit of trouble with my, erm - Chest? Ears? - No.
- Waterworks? - No.
- No.
Wife.
- Oh, wife.
Only, she's got it into her head that I'm a little bit I'm erm - Er, what? Annoyed with her? - No.
No, no.
- What? A drunk? - No.
Er - A poof? - No.
Erm - No.
A bit under the weather.
- Oh.
Doctor's examined me thoroughly.
He says nothing to worry about at all.
- Got me to drop my, erm - Oh, yeah? Yeah.
- Had a good look at my - Go on.
Told me there was nothing to worry about at all.
- On the contrary, he said I was very f - First class? No.
Erm - Fascinating? - No.
No.
- Not friendly? - No.
No, no.
- What, then? - Fit.
Fit.
Very fit.
You know, er, very fit for a man of, erm - 9O? - No.
No.
- No.
A man of my age.
- Oh, yeah? - It's nice to know, really.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Course, I only went up there on the, erm - On the bus? - No.
Er - On the off chance.
- On the off chance, yeah.
- You been up there lately? - No, I haven't.
No.
It's all changed up there now.
Oh, dear, yeah.
He's got this marvellous great big new, erm - What? Rolls-Royce? - No.
- Waiting room? Receptionist? - Receptionist, yeah.
Marvellous great big new recep Oh, she's got it all, er - All up here? - No.
Er - Down there? - No.
Well, where then? Where's she got it? - She's got it all - All over? No, no.
She's got it all organised up there.
Oh, organised.
Used to be a right mess up there, as you know.
Used to be a right mess up the doctor's.
Now it's all organised.
I mean, I just stood there in, erm - In a queue? - No, erm - What? In a vest? - No.
No.
- In a draught? - No.
In amazement.
I stood there in amazement.
It's like a conveyor belt up there now, you know.
So, now all this sex-equality business, you know, none of them cubicles any more.
All the fellas had to take off their shirts and they stood against that wall over there.
And all the ladies took off their dresses and sat in, erm - Satin blouses? - No.
Erm No.
- Satin panties? - No, no.
- Rows.
Sat in rows.
- Oh, sat in rows.
Tell you who's up there now, that young, er - That young Julie.
- Julie? You know.
Her mother's got them two big, erm - Teeth? - No.
- Bay windows? What? - No.
Alsatians.
These two big Alsatians.
Keeps taking them on the common and they keep biting people in the, erm - In the leg? - No.
- What? In the front entrance? What? - No, no, no.
- In the evenings.
- Oh, in the evenings.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Julie.
- Yeah, you know her.
- What was she doing up there? - Well, she was Well, apparently, she went with this young fella one evening and they fell in the duck pond and now she's, er - Pregnant? - No, no.
- Stagnant? - No, no.
- Vagrant? Fragrant? - No, no, no.
Now she's off work with a cut foot, that's what she is.
Doctor said she was very lucky with that duck pond.
It could have been a lot worse.
It could have been a septic - Septic tank? - No, no.
What? - Septic toenail.
- Oh, septic toenail.
- Anyway, she was up there and, er - Yeah.
Well, suppose I'd better be getting off.
- Getting off, are you? - Yeah.
I thought I might go home tonight and give the wife, erm - Evening off from the washing up? - No.
- Bottle of stout and a fish supper? - No.
- A night she'll never forget? - No.
There's an idea, though! Thanks for the suggestions.
I might give her all three.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
Yeah, ta-ta.
(Applause ) Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, studio audience.
You're lovely.
You really are lovely.
No, you are.
We were just saying backstage there, ''Aren't they a fantastic audience?'' You know.
And, ''What have we done to deserve them?'' (Laughter) And, ''Who's going to tell them their coach has gone?'' (Laughter) No.
No.
No, it hasn't.
It hasn't.
I just said that, you know, to sort of bring the atmosphere down a bit.
If you are too happy, the people at home will think they're missing something.
And except for the orgy scene, you know, and the er topless wire-walkers, they've seen everything, so (Laughter) Anyway, it's good to be back here and back in the old chair, even though it's getting a little bit uncomfortable.
I did actually phone the controller of the BBC and ask if I could have my chair stuffed, and - an unfortunate phrase, I suppose - and, er it's not my fault that he doesn't like the show.
(Laughter) I'd like, if I may, to tell you a very funny story about a chap who goes out to shoot a bear.
By the way, in case there are any animal lovers looking in, you know, or anyone else for that matter, I must tell you (Laughter) .
.
tell you that he doesn't actually shoot the bear.
It's a perfectly harmless little story.
When it was told to the Queen, she laughed.
And so did Albert.
(Laughter) There is this chap There's this chap in America and all his life he's wanted to shoot a bear in the Rockies.
Now, why sh (Laughter) Why D'you mind if I say that again and see if I can see the funny side of it? (Laughter) Why Why Why he should want to do a thing like that, I don't know.
Personally, myself, I couldn't kill a fly, you know.
I tried it once and it got the better of me.
So this chap gets himself a gun and off he goes to hunt bears in the majestic grandeur of the Rocky Mountains.
A bonus.
If you don't like the joke, you can admire the scenery.
(Laughter) You see now that these jokes are specially stolen Sorry, selected.
They are selected for their utmost entertainment value.
I mean, I could have told you any old bear joke, such as the one where the baby polar bear said to his mother, (High-pitched)''Mother'' All right, we can't (Laughter) We can't all be Percy Edwards.
''Mother,'' he said, ''Mother, am I really a polar bear?'' To which she replies, ''Of course you're a polar bear.
What else?'' Suddenly, we've got a Jewish polar bear.
(Laughter) I don't know how that crept in, I'm sure.
I haven't done a bar mitzvah for months.
A bit later he says, ''Are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?'' She says, ''What are you trying to do, break your mother's heart?'' There I go again.
I should never have had lunch with my agent.
(Laughter) Well, I'm Scottish and she's Jewish, you know.
Such an embarrassing scene about the bill.
(Laughter) In the end, the waiter paid it.
(Laughter) So So So the mother bear said The mother bear said, ''What makes you think you're not a polar bear?'' He said, ''Because I'm bloody freezing, that's why.
I'm I'm'' (Laughter) No, I'm sorry, a naughty word.
I'm sorry about that.
It slipped out.
Yeah.
I bet there'll be a few letters about that.
But I don't mind, to be honest.
I've had so little fan mail lately.
(Laughter) I think our letter-box has healed up.
(Laughter) You know, at one time I used to think that perhaps all my fan letters were going to the wrong address, to be honest.
I even started learning Hindustani, you know, so that I could have a chat with our postman about it.
(Laughter) But But I only got as far as ''The pen of my aunt is up the Khyber'' and I gave up.
(Laughter) I'm Now I'm sorry I'm sorry to burden you with my troubles, you know.
But if you switch over to the other channel you'll only pick up the middle of one of those, you know, underwater films with the (French accent) ''.
.
crew of the Calypso ''searching the reef for the giant groper.
'' You know.
(Laughter) Anyway, if it's giant gropers you want, you know, we've got a seven-foot scene-shifter back here who's frightened more chorus girls than old Jack Custard has had frog-legs.
But I digress.
Back to the story.
This chap sets out to shoot a bear.
And when he gets near the mountains he meets and old prospector, you know.
He says (American accent) ''Hey, Four-eyes,'' he said, ''where's all them bears? Come on, you tell me where all them bears are ''or I'll chuck your hat in the puddle.
'' (Laughter) Yet another voice there.
Well, a gift like mine, who needs talent? I'll tell you (Laughter) Jewish gestures and American voice - what more can you ask for? And the old man said, ''All right.
'' Slightly different American accent.
''All right.
You go up there in that mountain tonight ''and you'll find a big cavern.
You stand inside the entrance to that cavern ''and you shout, ''Whoo-whoo!'' until you hear an answering call.
''Then you get your gun ready, you get your gun ready and you get'' (American accent) Anyway, the hunter said Sorry, I'm (Laughter) I'm getting carried away.
Once I find the voice I like to talk in it all the time.
So So the hunter went up to the mountain and he stood at the entrance to this dark cavern, shouting, ''Whoo-whoo!'' And suddenly heard, ''Whoo-whoo!'' back.
And he got his gun all ready to shoot and he was knocked down by a train.
(Laughter) (Applause ) ( # Jaunty Irish melody ) (Irish accent) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, as this is our very first visit to this country, I would like to say that it's wonderful to be with you all once again.
Is it not? Is it not, Sean? (Irish accent) Oh, sure it is, yes.
We've got some brand-new songs for you, too.
In fact, they're so new we haven't heard them ourselves yet.
We sincerely hope you enjoy them, anyway.
So, here we go, then.
Four, five 'Twas on a Monday morning In the middle of the night I dreamt that I had woken up It gave me such a fright I thought I'd got insomnia It nearly made me weep But luckily, when I woke up I found I was asleep Singing, I'll have a drink with yous I'll have a beer But if I catch you with the wife I'll thump you round the ear 'Twas on a Tuesday morning And the woman I was with She said that she was thirsty And she asked me for a quid ''Oh, I could drink the river dry,'' says she, ''I do declare'' Says I, ''The river's got a bank So borrow a quid from there'' Singing, I'll have a drink with yous I'll have a gin But if I catch you mucking about I'll bash your teeth right in 'Twas on a Friday morning And it really was a trial The wife, she craved affection But I couldn't raise a smile Me get-up-and-go has got up and went But I don't care no more When I think of the places Me get-up-and-go Has got up and been before Singing, I'll have a drink with you I'll have a stout But if I catch you with the wife I'll bash your brains right out (Applause, cheering) Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Before we carry on, I would like to introduce both of the trio to you.
(Laughter) First of all, my name is Pete Cutter and I'm a peat cutter.
And these two here is called The Boggers on account of they both work in the bog, cutting peat.
Now, this here is Sean and he is the champion bogger of the southwest.
Ah, he's a marvellous little bogger.
(Laughter) And he has learned a clog dance in the bog, haven't you, Sean? Oh, indeed, yes.
Oh, sure I have.
Oh, yes.
Yes, he spends his whole day dancing in the bog and that's not easy, is it, Sean? Oh, no.
Oh, no, it's not.
Cos you get your feet very, very wet in the bog when you're dancing.
Oh, you do indeed.
Very wet.
Especially if somebody pulls the chain.
You would, you would.
Now, in this next number, Sean is going to give us an example of his dancing.
Now, I usually play the bones during this number, but I've got a terrible headache this evening so I'm going to play two sticks of rhubarb instead.
Here we go now, and the song is called Thump, Thump.
Thank you.
I love the girls I take 'em behind the shed I don't know what to say to them Cos I'm simple in the head But I've got a little trick That pleases them, I've found I just lift up me left leg And thump it on the ground So if you're with a lady And you don't know what to do Just remember this advice What I am giving you If she's 18 or 8O You'll please her, I'll be bound You just lift up your left leg And you thump it on the ground I met a girl in Liverpool I thought that I would try To give her a quickme lads As she was passing by Iher once Iher twice She stopped and gave a smile We're married now And so I canher all the while Come on, now.
He's going to do a bit of a dance now.
Ah, the old shillelaghs now.
(Applause ) (Applause ) (Cheering) Thank you.
That's lovely.
And now, finally, here's a little sad song with a moral.
Its title is It Pays To Listen.
And that's what it's called, an' all.
There's a corner of old Ireland that is all the world to me And I visit it as often as I can And all I have to do is catch the bus from Northwest Three To Camden Town to see me Uncle Dan He's an ugly man, is Uncle With a face like a carbuncle ''I'll tell you why'', says he 'Twill break your hearts The fact is, I must mention that I didn't pay attention When the angels were a-handing round the parts When the angels gave out brains I thought that they said ''trains'' And I missed mine, as I usually do When they handed out the eyes I thought that they said ''ties'' And I asked for one of brown And one of blue When they passed out the chins I thought that they said ''gins'' And I ordered a double one for me When they gave out the noses I thought that they said ''roses'' And I chose a great big red one As you see Oh, what a mess I'm in Oh, what a mess I'm in If only I had listened to the angels When they spoke I'd not be in the mess that I am in When the angels gave out hair I thought they said ''fresh air'' And so I asked for plenty up me nose When they gave out the bellies I thought that they said ''jellies'' So a great big pink and wobbly one I chose When they gave out the ears I thought that they said ''beers'' So I ordered mine With handles on instead When they gave out the necks I thought that they said ''sex'' And now I'm old I can't hold up my head Oh, what a mess I'm in Oh, what a mess I'm in If only I had listened to them angels When they spoke I'd not be in the mess that I am in If only I had listened to them angels When they spoke I'd not be in the mess that I am in Hey! (Applause, cheering) Now here is the late news.
Arriving in London tonight was the somewhat confused Japanese pilot who, every December 12th, takes a sentimental journey and bombs Pearl Bailey.
(Laughter) And the Family Planning Association's weekend course for reluctant women has been cancelled.
They've all got headaches.
(Laughter) Also cancelled due to the lack of support are the Agoraphobia Society's field day, the (Laughter) .
.
the deeply the (Laughter) .
.
the Deeply Introspective Persons' open day (Laughter) .
.
and the Eunuchs' ladies night.
(Laughter) Last-minute fashion news.
French designer Pierre Matelot has designed a bra with three cups.
Fashion experts say it has a two-to-one chance of catching on.
(Laughter) Whilst a nationwide survey of British women's underwear preferences reveals that the most favoured garment is pants in Hants, stays in Hayes, knickers in Twickers and, in Rockall, nothing much to speak of.
(Laughter) Next week we shall be meeting the world's greatest inverted snob.
He stands on his head so he can look up his nose at people.
(Laughter) And I'll be telling you of my experiences when I was a guest at an all-nude wedding ceremony and I came within an inch of being the best man.
(Laughter) But But until then, it's good night from me And it's good night from him.
Good night.
It's good to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be meeting the Runcorn woman who married a Gas Board fitter and complains that on her wedding night three of them turned up.
(Laughter) One to estimate the job, one to do it and one to pick up the bits in the morning.
(Laughter) Then I'll be talking to a Tinsley man who got into the headlines yesterday when he sat on a lathe and gave himself a nasty turn.
(Laughter) But first, the news.
After three years of hard work, Irish intelligence experts today cracked Britain's Highway Code.
(Laughter) At the indoor horticultural show today, first place in the Allcomers Posy Class was taken by Mr TA Rose with two bunches of pansies.
The second place was taken by two pansies with a bunch of roses.
(Laughter) And trouble at Dartmoor Prison today when a bomb destroyed the toilet block.
Local residents have complained that since then at least 2O inmates have been seen going over the wall.
(Laughter) Foreign news.
French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape-treaders' sit-in.
(Laughter) But now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, who recently gained a degree in mathematics from the Open University and is now looking out for a job as a pocket calculator.
Hello? Anybody there? Ah.
Good morning.
- I'm sorry, I meant - (Bell pings ) Oh, sorry, sorry.
I meant to er I-I-I meant to er I meant I Good morning, Miss Prendergast.
You're early.
- Ah, good morning.
- Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
Erm, could I have er two pounds of potatoes, please? - No, no, no, sir.
This is an optician's, sir.
- What, what? - Optician's.
It says so over the door.
- Oh, sorry.
So it does, yes.
Well, I was coming in here anyway cos I've got it down on my list - - greengrocer's and optician's.
You see? - Oh, I see, yes.
It was er It was the wife's idea, actually.
- Do sit down, will you? - Thank you very much.
Er, you're er You're er You're new here, aren't you? - Yes, I've been here about six months.
- Yes, I thought I hadn't seen you before.
Yes, the other lady left to get married.
- Butbut you're not a lady, are you? - No, no, no.
- No, I just took her job, you see.
- Yes.
- Would you care for a cup of tea? - That's very nice, yes.
Now, tell me, whatwhat seems to be the trouble? I've just got the feeling that my sight isn't quite what it used to be.
Oh dear, dear, dear.
Whatever makes you think that? Well, I started bumping into people at the office, you know.
People I work with.
- Oh, really? What sort of people? - Well, the people I share the office with, I kept bumping into them and realised I hadn't seen them properly for a long time.
- Oh dear.
Do you take sugar? - No, no sugar for me.
Right, there we are, then.
You have that.
Do sit down and we'll see if we can work something out for you.
Thank you very much.
It can be rather inconvenient, you know, spectacles.
I don't know, do you wear them at al.
Er, well, I must confess, yes, I do wear them, yes, but only for reading and for seeing things, you know.
Yes, well, I was passing by so I thought I'd just sort of pop in, you know.
Yes, yes.
Well, you obviously need something a lot stronger.
Yes, I do.
Thank you very much, yes.
- Well, I tell you what we'll do.
- Yes? We'll just have a look at some eye charts, shall we? - And we'll test your eyes.
- Right.
Yes.
Is there a Is there a dog in here? No, no, no.
That was me.
I was just er Well, I was just scratching myself, you know.
Right, now then, let's start.
Before we start, would you take off your glasses, please? - Are they off? - Yes.
Oh, good.
Yes, well, let's start er Start here from the top, would you, reading? Right.
I'm sorry, could you wave your arms about? I've lost my sense of direction a bit.
- I'm over here.
- Oh, yes.
Sorry.
That's it.
Er No, I'm afraid that's completely stumped me, that chart.
I'm sorry, I Don't worry, we've got plenty more.
Try the one on the back.
- Eh? - I say try the one on the back.
- No, A.
- Oh, A.
No, no.
Not A, no.
- B? C? - No.
No.
Keep going.
- E? - E.
Very good, yes.
E.
- Try the next line, would you? - Er, no, sorry.
Don't worry.
I'll give you a clue.
What do you see with? - Your eye? - I.
I.
Yes.
And what do you do with your eye? - See? - C! Very good indeed, yes.
Now then, now then, try the next line on your own.
Er, I'm sorry, is there a is there a next line? - I can't - Oh, probably not, probably not.
That's fine.
D'you know I'm sorry, I have to say this.
I almost didn't see any of that last chart.
Don't worry, it's just a question of trial and error, trial and error.
Don't worry about it.
Now then, let's have a look.
What about that? - A? - A! Yes.
And I didn't help you at all with that one.
- No.
No, I got I? - Er, no, that's the hat-stand.
- H? - No, you're reading all the furniture.
I'll tell you what, though See if you can See if you can grab the end of this long pole.
- Have you got it? - Yes.
Thank goodness for that.
I'm er I'm just going to get the test-frames now.
- We'll try a few lenses.
- Right.
Yes, here we go.
Right.
Here we are.
Now we'll justjust put these on.
Oh, no Oh (Laughs ) - That's it.
Are they all right? - Yes.
Good.
Now, then, first of all we have to black that one out, you see.
Yes.
Yes.
- Let's look at one of these, shall we? - Uh-huh.
There we are.
Now tell me, is that better or worse? - That is worse.
- Oh.
Er, well, let's see.
What about What about that? How's that? That's, erm That's fractionally better, actually.
- What about if I do that? - Oh, no, that's worse.
No.
- That's it.
- That is your prescription, then.
All we need now is to find out what sort of frames you would like.
- Off we go.
Follow me.
- Right.
I er Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Oh.
Ha.
Now, let's see what sort of frames we've got here.
Here we are.
Try this nice red pair on.
There we are.
Let me have those.
Thank you.
Try those.
There you are.
Look in the hand-mirror, see what you think.
Erm I think this makes me look a little old.
Oh, yes, it does.
Oh, wait a minute, this is not a mirror, this is a photograph of an old lady.
No, they're no good.
- Have you any others at al.
- Er, well, ermthere's these.
What about these? These are Oh! Wonderful! - I can see everything as clearly as - No, they're mine, they're mine.
- No, these are yours.
There.
- Are you sure? They Good gracious! I can see The whole thing's become clear to me.
Wonderful.
Isn't that lovely? I trust you'll just send me on the bil.
Certainly not.
I wouldn't dream of such a thing.
No, no, no.
You've helped me just as much as I've helped you.
It's very kind of you to say so.
Bye-bye.
Well, well, well, well, well.
(Applause ) Good evening.
Last year I spoke to you, appealing for help for those who, like myself, have trouble with worms.
They can't pronounce their worms correctly.
Now, I am the secretary for the Loyal Society for the Relief of Sufferers from Pismonunciation.
Now, the reason I am once more squeaking to you tonight is that many people last time couldn't understand what I was spraying.
So I am back again on your little queens to strain it and make it all queer for you.
It's a terrible thung to be ting-tied.
It's even worse when your weirds get all muxed up and come out in wuch a say that you dick not what your thugging be.
Like I did just then, only crutch much nurse.
Now, it can be cured by careful draining at special draining stools of which the society has fed up all over the Twittish Isles.
And, for the really dickyfelt cases, we have a three-week bash course on the Isle of Fright.
The doctors can get to grips with the patients and the nurses can get to grips with the doctors and everyone has a dolly good climb.
Except the patients, of course, who find it dudley delldoddly dealdiddly doll.
Or, in other words, bitefully flooring.
People have tried to cure themselves.
They stand in front of their bodroom mirror and say, ''Every day, in every way, I get bitter and butter.
'' But it doesn't cure them.
You can bott your wife.
And most of them usually do.
The disease is spreading.
It affects people from all walks of loaf - members of the swivel service, lawyers, sillysodders .
.
commercial drivellers, copkeepers and wactory-furkers.
It's mostly on the night-shirt.
And, of course, famous piddlyticians like Widdley Hamilton.
Not forgetting Penoch Owell, stars of screege and stain like Black Mygraves, Frantic Howerd and Peculiar Clark.
And, of course, Rude-old Nureyev, the ballet dangler.
How can you help? Well, for a tart, it's no good.
.
It's no good simply trying to correct people when they suffer from this complaining distress.
My wife does it to me all the time.
''Lucky old you,'' I hear you squirt.
No, no, I mean she corrects me when I get anyring thong and it makes me lavvy and ingrid.
Last time, I backed her up the kickside.
We need money.
Your mini.
You may row ashore that it will be put to the best possible use by myself and my large and loyal stiff.
Send your chocs or pistol orders today.
Smash open your baggy pinks.
Dip your hand into your wife's bags and send us a few cod hoppers.
Or why not simply slip a pond newt into an envelope? Send your donations to me .
.
at my new address I'll just repeat that.
Thank you for glistening.
Good night and a Crappy Isthmus to you.
(Applause ) The tourist season in London.
Excited foreigners pour in from all over the globe, lured by London's glamour, its unrivalled pageant of history and its shady nightspots, where anything might happen and hardly ever does.
This particular season has its own special, grisly extra attraction - murder.
A dead yokel.
One of a long line of dead yokels whose bodies had been appearing with increasing frequency throughout the year.
Police were mystified.
At Scotland Yard they were twiddling their thumbs and fidgeting with their feet.
And a few miles away in Neasden, Charlie Farley, an important half of that well-known two-man team, waited for the other one and a half, Piggy Malone, to return.
My search was completely fruitless.
All the greengrocers are shut.
Never mind greengrocers.
Read this.
Never mind ''Never mind greengrocers.
'' I've got to get fresh fruit if I'm gonna stay on this diet.
It's the only thing I fancy.
Well, read that.
That'll make your mouth water.
- Why, what is it? - Real front-page stuff, that's what it is.
- Where? - It's a real inside story, this is.
Well, make your mind up.
Is it on the front page or inside? Next page.
You will notice there, side by side, two almost identical features.
Yeah.
Nice, ain't they? Not page three, page two.
Two stories, both murders, both young men, both in London, both with their trousers tied with string.
What are they trying to hide? I dunno.
What would you be trying to hide if you tied your trousers up with string? - My point in a nutshell.
- There you are, then.
Both men were identically dressed, and the railway tickets and the possessions in their pockets prove that they'd both come from the same village in Devon - Drake's Bottom.
- Drake's what? - Exactly.
Funny name, isn't it? Sounds like a polite way of describing a haircut.
I mean, is that really a village? Well, I've looked it up in the railway guide.
The train leaves at 8:3O in the morning.
Train? You're not suggesting we get on a train to Devon, are you? Well, I'm not going all the way on a tandem.
Not with your weight and my butterfly-equipment bouncing around.
No, I mean are you suggesting we take the case? Certainly.
This village obviously holds a secret.
These two men were murdered because they were about to spill the beans.
- It's exciting.
- All right.
All right.
But I shall travel as Mickey Dunne, the famous crime novelist.
- What will you wear? - What I'm wearing now.
Well, what's the point of changing your name? Look, who you are is nothing to do with the clothes you wear nowadays, is it, eh? I mean, some of them writers are very scruffy, you know.
- Oh, well then, you'll be all right.
- Yeah.
Of course, youyou will have to travel as Algy, my schoolboy nephew.
Ah.
Why's that? Half fare, isn't it? (Horn parps ) (Horns blaring) Oi! Wait for Auntie.
Ah.
Is there room for two in here? Oh, I think so.
We're both small ones, aren't we? No.
I mean two more.
Me and my uncle.
He's a big one.
Oh, I see.
Er, yes.
I'm going to the restaurant car in a minute, anyway.
Oh, fine.
It's all right here, Uncle Mickey.
There's only one person in here.
It's a very old lady.
She won't be with us for very much longer.
Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.
Never mind.
Ooh.
- You all right? - Yeah.
One of your balls is rolling out the door, look.
Take the net out.
That's it.
There we are.
I don't know why you brought this at all.
Oh! Look, dear, can you go and sit over there, please? You're making the place untidy.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
I think I'll go to the restaurant car now.
Oh, I wouldn't want you to go before your time.
That's why I'm going to the restaurant car now.
We only just got that.
Lucky the barrier was still open.
Yeah.
Trouble is, I didn't have time to get any tickets.
Still, it's all money saved, innit, eh? Look at that cow.
It's all right for you saying that, but of course I'm in double trouble, aren't I? How do you mean? Well, not only am I trying to travel half fare but I'm trying to avoid paying that, as well.
So if an inspector catches me for not paying half fare, he could catch me again for trying to pay half fare instead of the full fare.
As opposed to you, who are only paying full fare.
Yeah, well, that sounds fair.
Well, half fair, anyway.
- There's another one.
- What? Cow.
So, what are we gonna do, then? He'll be here soon.
He's in the next carriage.
Tell you what, I'll disappear and you tell him that your uncle, Mr Mickey Dunne, has the tickets.
The name might impress him.
Perhaps he's read my books.
Don't forget to use your little-schoolboy voice.
Otherwise, the disguise means nothing, doesn't it? What are you gonna do? I'll lock myself in the loo.
Great heavens! - Hello.
Tickets, please.
- Er Erm, my uncle, Mickey Dunne, has got my ticket, sir.
Where is he? Erm He's, er He's popped out for a moment, sir.
OK.
You're not gonna make a catapult, are you? Oh.
Oh no, sir.
It's just I've got a terrible cold.
And I'm going to Devon for the conker season, sir.
- And what is your uncle's name? - Erm, Mickey Dunne, sir.
Well-known crime writer, sir.
OK.
Hey.
Are you Dunne? Not yet, no.
- I dodged him.
- Look at these, Chief.
Good God.
And my latest discovery - the return half of a ticket to Drake's Bottom.
Our two heroes stood amazed, dumbfounded.
What was the significance of the grisly clues? Was it murder on the Exeter express? What was up at Drake's Bottom? Find out next week, in the second exciting episode of Stop You're Killing Me.
(Applause ) Ladies and gentlemen, the Nolan Sisters.
(Applause ) ( # Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?) Don't know when I've been so blue Don't know what's come over you You've found someone new And don't it make my brown eyes blue I'll be fine when you're gone I'll just cry All night long Say it isn't true And don't it make my brown eyes blue Tell me no secrets Tell me some lies Give me no reasons Give me alibis Tell me you love me And don't make me cry Say anything But don't say goodbye I didn't mean To treat you bad Didn't know Just what I had But, honey, now I do And don't it make my brown eyes Don't it make my brown eyes Don't it make my brown eyes blue Don't it make my brown eyes Don't it make my brown eyes Don't it make my brown eyes Blue So blue (Applause ) - Evening, Harry.
- Hello, Bert.
What you gonna have? That's very kind of you.
I think I'll have a pint of erm - What? Light? Brown? What? - No.
Er - Mild? Bitter? - Bitter.
I'll have a pint of bitter.
Pint of bitter.
- How are you today? All right? - Mustn't grumble.
Mustn't grumble.
Just been up the, erm - Up the club? Dogs? What? - No.
- Fish shop? - No.
Er - Doctor's? - Doctor's.
Yeah, I've been up the doctor's.
Ta.
Yeah.
Only, I've been having a bit of trouble with my, erm - Chest? Ears? - No.
- Waterworks? - No.
- No.
Wife.
- Oh, wife.
Only, she's got it into her head that I'm a little bit I'm erm - Er, what? Annoyed with her? - No.
No, no.
- What? A drunk? - No.
Er - A poof? - No.
Erm - No.
A bit under the weather.
- Oh.
Doctor's examined me thoroughly.
He says nothing to worry about at all.
- Got me to drop my, erm - Oh, yeah? Yeah.
- Had a good look at my - Go on.
Told me there was nothing to worry about at all.
- On the contrary, he said I was very f - First class? No.
Erm - Fascinating? - No.
No.
- Not friendly? - No.
No, no.
- What, then? - Fit.
Fit.
Very fit.
You know, er, very fit for a man of, erm - 9O? - No.
No.
- No.
A man of my age.
- Oh, yeah? - It's nice to know, really.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Course, I only went up there on the, erm - On the bus? - No.
Er - On the off chance.
- On the off chance, yeah.
- You been up there lately? - No, I haven't.
No.
It's all changed up there now.
Oh, dear, yeah.
He's got this marvellous great big new, erm - What? Rolls-Royce? - No.
- Waiting room? Receptionist? - Receptionist, yeah.
Marvellous great big new recep Oh, she's got it all, er - All up here? - No.
Er - Down there? - No.
Well, where then? Where's she got it? - She's got it all - All over? No, no.
She's got it all organised up there.
Oh, organised.
Used to be a right mess up there, as you know.
Used to be a right mess up the doctor's.
Now it's all organised.
I mean, I just stood there in, erm - In a queue? - No, erm - What? In a vest? - No.
No.
- In a draught? - No.
In amazement.
I stood there in amazement.
It's like a conveyor belt up there now, you know.
So, now all this sex-equality business, you know, none of them cubicles any more.
All the fellas had to take off their shirts and they stood against that wall over there.
And all the ladies took off their dresses and sat in, erm - Satin blouses? - No.
Erm No.
- Satin panties? - No, no.
- Rows.
Sat in rows.
- Oh, sat in rows.
Tell you who's up there now, that young, er - That young Julie.
- Julie? You know.
Her mother's got them two big, erm - Teeth? - No.
- Bay windows? What? - No.
Alsatians.
These two big Alsatians.
Keeps taking them on the common and they keep biting people in the, erm - In the leg? - No.
- What? In the front entrance? What? - No, no, no.
- In the evenings.
- Oh, in the evenings.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Julie.
- Yeah, you know her.
- What was she doing up there? - Well, she was Well, apparently, she went with this young fella one evening and they fell in the duck pond and now she's, er - Pregnant? - No, no.
- Stagnant? - No, no.
- Vagrant? Fragrant? - No, no, no.
Now she's off work with a cut foot, that's what she is.
Doctor said she was very lucky with that duck pond.
It could have been a lot worse.
It could have been a septic - Septic tank? - No, no.
What? - Septic toenail.
- Oh, septic toenail.
- Anyway, she was up there and, er - Yeah.
Well, suppose I'd better be getting off.
- Getting off, are you? - Yeah.
I thought I might go home tonight and give the wife, erm - Evening off from the washing up? - No.
- Bottle of stout and a fish supper? - No.
- A night she'll never forget? - No.
There's an idea, though! Thanks for the suggestions.
I might give her all three.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
Yeah, ta-ta.
(Applause ) Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, studio audience.
You're lovely.
You really are lovely.
No, you are.
We were just saying backstage there, ''Aren't they a fantastic audience?'' You know.
And, ''What have we done to deserve them?'' (Laughter) And, ''Who's going to tell them their coach has gone?'' (Laughter) No.
No.
No, it hasn't.
It hasn't.
I just said that, you know, to sort of bring the atmosphere down a bit.
If you are too happy, the people at home will think they're missing something.
And except for the orgy scene, you know, and the er topless wire-walkers, they've seen everything, so (Laughter) Anyway, it's good to be back here and back in the old chair, even though it's getting a little bit uncomfortable.
I did actually phone the controller of the BBC and ask if I could have my chair stuffed, and - an unfortunate phrase, I suppose - and, er it's not my fault that he doesn't like the show.
(Laughter) I'd like, if I may, to tell you a very funny story about a chap who goes out to shoot a bear.
By the way, in case there are any animal lovers looking in, you know, or anyone else for that matter, I must tell you (Laughter) .
.
tell you that he doesn't actually shoot the bear.
It's a perfectly harmless little story.
When it was told to the Queen, she laughed.
And so did Albert.
(Laughter) There is this chap There's this chap in America and all his life he's wanted to shoot a bear in the Rockies.
Now, why sh (Laughter) Why D'you mind if I say that again and see if I can see the funny side of it? (Laughter) Why Why Why he should want to do a thing like that, I don't know.
Personally, myself, I couldn't kill a fly, you know.
I tried it once and it got the better of me.
So this chap gets himself a gun and off he goes to hunt bears in the majestic grandeur of the Rocky Mountains.
A bonus.
If you don't like the joke, you can admire the scenery.
(Laughter) You see now that these jokes are specially stolen Sorry, selected.
They are selected for their utmost entertainment value.
I mean, I could have told you any old bear joke, such as the one where the baby polar bear said to his mother, (High-pitched)''Mother'' All right, we can't (Laughter) We can't all be Percy Edwards.
''Mother,'' he said, ''Mother, am I really a polar bear?'' To which she replies, ''Of course you're a polar bear.
What else?'' Suddenly, we've got a Jewish polar bear.
(Laughter) I don't know how that crept in, I'm sure.
I haven't done a bar mitzvah for months.
A bit later he says, ''Are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?'' She says, ''What are you trying to do, break your mother's heart?'' There I go again.
I should never have had lunch with my agent.
(Laughter) Well, I'm Scottish and she's Jewish, you know.
Such an embarrassing scene about the bill.
(Laughter) In the end, the waiter paid it.
(Laughter) So So So the mother bear said The mother bear said, ''What makes you think you're not a polar bear?'' He said, ''Because I'm bloody freezing, that's why.
I'm I'm'' (Laughter) No, I'm sorry, a naughty word.
I'm sorry about that.
It slipped out.
Yeah.
I bet there'll be a few letters about that.
But I don't mind, to be honest.
I've had so little fan mail lately.
(Laughter) I think our letter-box has healed up.
(Laughter) You know, at one time I used to think that perhaps all my fan letters were going to the wrong address, to be honest.
I even started learning Hindustani, you know, so that I could have a chat with our postman about it.
(Laughter) But But I only got as far as ''The pen of my aunt is up the Khyber'' and I gave up.
(Laughter) I'm Now I'm sorry I'm sorry to burden you with my troubles, you know.
But if you switch over to the other channel you'll only pick up the middle of one of those, you know, underwater films with the (French accent) ''.
.
crew of the Calypso ''searching the reef for the giant groper.
'' You know.
(Laughter) Anyway, if it's giant gropers you want, you know, we've got a seven-foot scene-shifter back here who's frightened more chorus girls than old Jack Custard has had frog-legs.
But I digress.
Back to the story.
This chap sets out to shoot a bear.
And when he gets near the mountains he meets and old prospector, you know.
He says (American accent) ''Hey, Four-eyes,'' he said, ''where's all them bears? Come on, you tell me where all them bears are ''or I'll chuck your hat in the puddle.
'' (Laughter) Yet another voice there.
Well, a gift like mine, who needs talent? I'll tell you (Laughter) Jewish gestures and American voice - what more can you ask for? And the old man said, ''All right.
'' Slightly different American accent.
''All right.
You go up there in that mountain tonight ''and you'll find a big cavern.
You stand inside the entrance to that cavern ''and you shout, ''Whoo-whoo!'' until you hear an answering call.
''Then you get your gun ready, you get your gun ready and you get'' (American accent) Anyway, the hunter said Sorry, I'm (Laughter) I'm getting carried away.
Once I find the voice I like to talk in it all the time.
So So the hunter went up to the mountain and he stood at the entrance to this dark cavern, shouting, ''Whoo-whoo!'' And suddenly heard, ''Whoo-whoo!'' back.
And he got his gun all ready to shoot and he was knocked down by a train.
(Laughter) (Applause ) ( # Jaunty Irish melody ) (Irish accent) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, as this is our very first visit to this country, I would like to say that it's wonderful to be with you all once again.
Is it not? Is it not, Sean? (Irish accent) Oh, sure it is, yes.
We've got some brand-new songs for you, too.
In fact, they're so new we haven't heard them ourselves yet.
We sincerely hope you enjoy them, anyway.
So, here we go, then.
Four, five 'Twas on a Monday morning In the middle of the night I dreamt that I had woken up It gave me such a fright I thought I'd got insomnia It nearly made me weep But luckily, when I woke up I found I was asleep Singing, I'll have a drink with yous I'll have a beer But if I catch you with the wife I'll thump you round the ear 'Twas on a Tuesday morning And the woman I was with She said that she was thirsty And she asked me for a quid ''Oh, I could drink the river dry,'' says she, ''I do declare'' Says I, ''The river's got a bank So borrow a quid from there'' Singing, I'll have a drink with yous I'll have a gin But if I catch you mucking about I'll bash your teeth right in 'Twas on a Friday morning And it really was a trial The wife, she craved affection But I couldn't raise a smile Me get-up-and-go has got up and went But I don't care no more When I think of the places Me get-up-and-go Has got up and been before Singing, I'll have a drink with you I'll have a stout But if I catch you with the wife I'll bash your brains right out (Applause, cheering) Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Before we carry on, I would like to introduce both of the trio to you.
(Laughter) First of all, my name is Pete Cutter and I'm a peat cutter.
And these two here is called The Boggers on account of they both work in the bog, cutting peat.
Now, this here is Sean and he is the champion bogger of the southwest.
Ah, he's a marvellous little bogger.
(Laughter) And he has learned a clog dance in the bog, haven't you, Sean? Oh, indeed, yes.
Oh, sure I have.
Oh, yes.
Yes, he spends his whole day dancing in the bog and that's not easy, is it, Sean? Oh, no.
Oh, no, it's not.
Cos you get your feet very, very wet in the bog when you're dancing.
Oh, you do indeed.
Very wet.
Especially if somebody pulls the chain.
You would, you would.
Now, in this next number, Sean is going to give us an example of his dancing.
Now, I usually play the bones during this number, but I've got a terrible headache this evening so I'm going to play two sticks of rhubarb instead.
Here we go now, and the song is called Thump, Thump.
Thank you.
I love the girls I take 'em behind the shed I don't know what to say to them Cos I'm simple in the head But I've got a little trick That pleases them, I've found I just lift up me left leg And thump it on the ground So if you're with a lady And you don't know what to do Just remember this advice What I am giving you If she's 18 or 8O You'll please her, I'll be bound You just lift up your left leg And you thump it on the ground I met a girl in Liverpool I thought that I would try To give her a quickme lads As she was passing by Iher once Iher twice She stopped and gave a smile We're married now And so I canher all the while Come on, now.
He's going to do a bit of a dance now.
Ah, the old shillelaghs now.
(Applause ) (Applause ) (Cheering) Thank you.
That's lovely.
And now, finally, here's a little sad song with a moral.
Its title is It Pays To Listen.
And that's what it's called, an' all.
There's a corner of old Ireland that is all the world to me And I visit it as often as I can And all I have to do is catch the bus from Northwest Three To Camden Town to see me Uncle Dan He's an ugly man, is Uncle With a face like a carbuncle ''I'll tell you why'', says he 'Twill break your hearts The fact is, I must mention that I didn't pay attention When the angels were a-handing round the parts When the angels gave out brains I thought that they said ''trains'' And I missed mine, as I usually do When they handed out the eyes I thought that they said ''ties'' And I asked for one of brown And one of blue When they passed out the chins I thought that they said ''gins'' And I ordered a double one for me When they gave out the noses I thought that they said ''roses'' And I chose a great big red one As you see Oh, what a mess I'm in Oh, what a mess I'm in If only I had listened to the angels When they spoke I'd not be in the mess that I am in When the angels gave out hair I thought they said ''fresh air'' And so I asked for plenty up me nose When they gave out the bellies I thought that they said ''jellies'' So a great big pink and wobbly one I chose When they gave out the ears I thought that they said ''beers'' So I ordered mine With handles on instead When they gave out the necks I thought that they said ''sex'' And now I'm old I can't hold up my head Oh, what a mess I'm in Oh, what a mess I'm in If only I had listened to them angels When they spoke I'd not be in the mess that I am in If only I had listened to them angels When they spoke I'd not be in the mess that I am in Hey! (Applause, cheering) Now here is the late news.
Arriving in London tonight was the somewhat confused Japanese pilot who, every December 12th, takes a sentimental journey and bombs Pearl Bailey.
(Laughter) And the Family Planning Association's weekend course for reluctant women has been cancelled.
They've all got headaches.
(Laughter) Also cancelled due to the lack of support are the Agoraphobia Society's field day, the (Laughter) .
.
the deeply the (Laughter) .
.
the Deeply Introspective Persons' open day (Laughter) .
.
and the Eunuchs' ladies night.
(Laughter) Last-minute fashion news.
French designer Pierre Matelot has designed a bra with three cups.
Fashion experts say it has a two-to-one chance of catching on.
(Laughter) Whilst a nationwide survey of British women's underwear preferences reveals that the most favoured garment is pants in Hants, stays in Hayes, knickers in Twickers and, in Rockall, nothing much to speak of.
(Laughter) Next week we shall be meeting the world's greatest inverted snob.
He stands on his head so he can look up his nose at people.
(Laughter) And I'll be telling you of my experiences when I was a guest at an all-nude wedding ceremony and I came within an inch of being the best man.
(Laughter) But But until then, it's good night from me And it's good night from him.
Good night.