What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s06e01 Episode Script

1
I say, I was just thinking
"I'll alert the media."
Dudley Moore. Arthur. 1981.
- Shut the fuck up, Colin Robinson.
- Thank you, my darling.
I was just thinking, now that
Gizmo is no longer with us,
perhaps we could repurpose that space
under the stairs that
he used to live in.
- So mean!
- What?
You know that it gives Nandor the pip
when he hears about his
old bouncing little buddy.
I don't even know what
you guys are talking about.
- Guillermo.
- Who?
The servant boy who used to live
in the rathole under the stairs.
I remember it was the perfect place
for me to store my precious volumes.
I think you will find, Laszlo,
that before Guillermo lived here,
I would use that space
for my "calistheneticals."
No, I think you'll find I grabbed
that space as soon as we moved in.
- [GROANS]
- Do you know who would remember?
Who?
- Jerry. [CHUCKLES]
- Yes.
- Jerry. Yeah.
- Jerry.
- [LASZLO] Yes.
- Good old Jerry.
- Jerry would remember everything.
- Yes.
Sorry. Who's Jerry?
Jerry was our fifth roommate
back in the old days.
Jerry's a good guy. Solid vampire.
[NADJA] Jerry was a real leader.
- A man with a plan.
- [LASZLO] Yep.
Or rather, a vampire with a plan-pire.
I mean, the man is all
vampire, no bullshit.
Even his name: "Jerry the Vampire."
No frills, no chills. No "Blah,
blah, blah the Relentless"
or "Vlad the Whatever."
"Jerry the Vampire."
Bam! Thank you, mister.
Jerry and I used to have
these really long talks,
and he'd actually listen to me.
He might have been the only person
in this house that actually liked me.
That's true.
- Jerry the Vampire. We hardly knew ye.
- Jerry.
Whatever happened to Jerry?
[CHUCKLES]
- Oh, my goodness.
- Bollocks.
- [NANDOR] Shit. Shit. Fuck.
- [COLIN] What?
- [NANDOR] I hope Jerry is okay.
- [NADJA] This is a real mess-up!
Sometimes a vampire will decide
to go into a super slumber.
[NADJA] Where they will stay
sleeping for decades and decades.
- Awakening only when their f
- Their fellow vampires wake them up.
We, um, forgot to wake Jerry
up from his super slumber. Oops.
Which is an easy thing to forget
because we had a lot going on.
We did. So much.
And also, because Jerry had requested
to be woken up on New Year's Eve.
New Year's Eve, 1996.
Right.
This one's on us.
["YOU'RE DEAD" PLAYING]
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and
compassion is gone ♪
You've sold out your
dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
[NANDOR] Does anyone remember where
Jerry's super-slumber coffin is?
[NADJA] Jerry?
[NANDOR] Shh. Don't
scream his name like that.
We must find his coffin
and wake him gently.
- [NADJA] Jerry?
- [NANDOR] Guys, guys, guys.
- Here he is. It's Jerry.
- [LASZLO] Oh, gosh.
Jerry? Oh, Jerry?
- [NADJA] Oh! Oh, my dark lord.
- [LASZLO] No, no, no.
What have we done? [RETCHES]
Jerry seems to have broken up into seven
or eight pieces that
smell like old meat.
- Hold on. This isn't Jerry.
- [NADJA] What?
These are leftover body parts
from a scientific experiment
I abandoned decades ago.
Couldn't be fucked,
so I just left it all.
To create life. To use science itself
chemical galvanism, electrobiology,
etcetera, etcetera
to reanimate dead tissue.
Now, whomever unlocks that
mystery, is not a man, but a god.
Like Frankenstein.
- Who?
- Like Dr. Victor Frankenstein.
Never heard of him.
Right.
Maybe you will be the head
that controls the creature
that the world will hail
as Cravensworth's new man.
Laszlo, shut the fuck up and come
and help them lift this coffin lid.
Sorry, my darling.
[HISSES, YAWNS]
- Hi.
- Hey, guys.
Wow, that was a long one. Happy
New Year by the way. 1996. Yes.
- Finally.
- So fun. You're all looking well.
- Nandor, my good man.
- Hi, Jerry.
Hello. Nadja, as beautiful as ever.
Jerry, you're still buttering
me up like the old days.
Yes. Dr. Cravensworth, I presume.
- You presume correctly. Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Hey, Jer-bear.
- There you are, old chap.
- Hey.
Good to see you as well.
So, how did it go?
Uh, how did what go?
Conquering the New World.
I would have given anything
to have been there for it,
- but I really needed that super slumber.
- I bet.
So, did you end up conquering
just the United States
or did you end up deciding
that the New World means
Canada and Mexico as well?
[JERRY] So you let me sleep
for 50 years instead of 20.
During which time, you
conquered your street?
- Yes.
- And part of
- Part of Ashley Street.
- [JERRY] Right.
- Actually, most of Ashley Street. So
- [NANDOR] Yes.
- Look at this.
- Yeah.
Again, you've showed
me whatever this thing is
where you can have a
television in your pocket.
No, I know. But you asked what
you've missed over the last 50 years.
So, I just thought you should see this.
What is this supposed to be?
Well, it's a bit of a brain teaser.
Does the dress look white and
gold or black and blue to you?
Okay. Stop. But the
fact that vampires exist,
that's still a secret, right?
Humans don't know about that.
Yes, totally. Got no idea.
Yes, we lurk in the darkness
concealing our own grim majesty
from prying human eyes.
And those who are too curious
well, they'll spend their
last moments ruing the day
they poked their noses in
where they weren't belonging.
- What he said.
- [JERRY] Right.
But then, why is there a human
camera crew here filming everything?
Oh, them. [CHUCKLES] No. You
don't need to worry about them
because, Jerry, they're cool. So
Yes, very cool.
Do you even know who they're
going to show all this to?
[NADJA, LASZLO] Um
- You gotta hear this.
- ["WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE" PLAYING]
What? What is this?
It's a pretty comprehensive
list of the things you've missed.
Yep. Maybe I could listen
to this later, Carl.
- Colin.
- Isn't that what I said?
No, you said Carl.
South Pacific, Walter
Winchell, Joe DiMaggio.
I was around for all of this.
Maybe we could fast-forward?
Well, it stops in 1988 around
the rock and roller Cola Wars.
- The what?
- Rock and roller Cola Wars!
Okay. Not now, guy. Can
somebody just please tell me
what is our current dark purpose,
and why are we letting
these humans know about it?
Um [STAMMERS]
- Yes?
- Sit down.
[NANDOR] Never mind.
Jerry has been asking a
lot of questions lately
about things I haven't
thought about in a long while.
Things that make you
go, "Hmm" so to speak.
Yes. Hmm.
- [NADJA] Come on. In here.
- [NANDOR] Sure of it? Yep.
Okay. Sorry, I just need a private
moment with Nandor. So [CHUCKLES]
- [NANDOR] What?
- [NADJA] Just wait a second.
Okay. Why do we allow a camera crew
to document our every moves?
But who would not want to document
the lives of three exalted vampires?
And also Colin Robinson.
Obviously. But why do we allow it?
[NANDOR] Hmm.
- Right?
- You know who would remember?
Guillermo would remember.
- Then we must go and talk to Guillermo.
- No, we can't do that.
No, no, no, he has a new life now.
He has a new home. He has a new job.
Take me to Guillermo, Nandor.
[NANDOR SIGHS] Fine.
[CLEARS THROAT] Hello. We are going
to visit Guillermo in his new home.
This way. You may not
like where he lives now.
[SCOFFS] I do not like
where any human lives.
There is always a sink and a couch
and a drawer full of spoons. [SCOFFS]
Well, you know, I actually helped
Guillermo to find his new home.
Well, because he was
looking for his independence,
and I kind of felt I owed him.
It's okay to admit that you
just miss him a little bit.
Please, Nadja. Familiars,
they come, and they go.
You know, you cannot get too attached.
Most of them are killed in
the line of duty anyways.
That's just the circle
of life. And here we are.
What? I thought he
had his own apartment.
Well, he does in Laszlo's old
garden shed where he used to jack off.
Let's see if he's in.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
[GUILLERMO] Who is it?
Hi, guys.
So, yeah, I moved into
Laszlo's garden shed.
There's a smell. Mildewy? I wanna say.
And there was some really big
stains that I couldn't identify.
I was gonna get my own place eventually,
but I looked around for a while and
realized I cannot afford anything.
So, when Nandor offered that I could
stay here for 350 a week, I said yes.
Sign me up.
So, Guillermo, how long
have you lived here?
- Months.
- Months?
- Yeah.
- Has it been that long?
- Yeah.
- [NANDOR] This is actually the first time
- I've seen Guillermo since he left. So
- Bullshit.
Actually, no, he's telling the truth.
We've maintained really good
boundaries about not seeing each other
till I get my life together.
And where do you make toilet?
Hmm? Uh, I'm always at work,
so I just save it till I'm at work.
Work. And how is your new career going?
I work at a restaurant.
Panera Bread?
- Yeah. How did you guess?
- Just
- Even when you go pee-pee?
- Pardon me?
You even save up your pee-pee
for when you go to work?
And how is your new master at Panera?
My boss? Actually, he's good. He's
Guillermo, what is this bucket?
You know what? It's getting
late, and I have to be up early.
So, I think probably just
Guillermo, this bucket
smells like pee-pee.
I was wondering what the smell was that
was here when I got here months ago.
- So that's what that was.
- The point is this,
Jerry has inquired as to why we
allow the documentary crew to film us.
- Wait. Who's Jerry?
- Never mind. Doesn't matter who Jerry is.
You miss a little, you miss a lot.
- Shall we?
- Yes. And I'm taking this bucket with me.
No, wait. Why?
Why not? [CHUCKLES]
[NANDOR] See you in another
month or two, Guillermo.
[LASZLO] Man, human form!
[NADJA] Well, look who it is!
- [LASZLO] Hello, my darling.
- [JERRY] Hi.
[NADJA] Yes. That's my love.
[LASZLO] Jerry and
I've just had a feed.
I had to warn him about the modern roads
with the steel horses
with their rubber feet.
Again, I know what a fucking car
is. I wasn't asleep that long.
- Laszlo, you sly dog.
- [LASZLO] What
You.
Congratulations, my friend.
- I thought you said you didn't finish him.
- Finish what?
Your monster made of cadaver
parts and reanimated to give it life.
Jerry, that is Guillermo.
Did you see? He looked
when you said his name.
No, uh, he's human.
A human amongst us?
- Yes.
- I'll handle this.
- [NANDOR] No. Uh, Jerry.
- [NADJA] No.
Jerry, no, no. This is Guillermo.
He's okay. He's our familiar.
Ah. Okay. Apologies.
Familiar, go fetch my
coffin from the basement.
Uh, the thing is, Jerry,
he's not our familiar anymore.
Okay. Why does he still live here?
- Good question.
- It's a long story.
- Yeah. Look at this.
- Don't.
Fine, but if someone asks you
why Michael Dukakis
was riding on a tank,
you're not gonna know what to
say. You're gonna look dumb, Jerry.
It's pretty good.
So you haven't managed to reanimate
dead flesh to create new life?
- Not yet, no.
- But that was your whole thing.
If you haven't been working on
that, what have you been doing?
- Tending my vulva garden.
- [JERRY] Indeed.
Uh, Nandor, can I see
you for a moment inside?
Certainly, Jerry. This way.
He seems nice.
[NANDOR] I turned Guillermo
into a human, which was a hassle,
- but for the best
- Yeah. Yeah. Hold on just a second.
- Yeah?
- Are you okay, man?
Me, Jerry? I'm great. Why do you ask?
It's just The old Nandor, the
Nandor I knew before I went to sleep?
- That's me.
- Is it though?
You were Nandor the fucking Relentless,
a killer of men, a
conqueror of continents.
- Yes.
- Where the fuck is that guy?
Very good questions, Jerry.
The fuck happened around here?
Well, I'm going to turn
in before the sun comes up.
- Get back on a normal schedule.
- [NADJA] Good night, Jerry.
The fuck is that?
That is my dolly.
She contains the ghost
of my dead human form
from before I became
a vampire, you know.
Right. Cool.
- Anyways
- Good night, Jerry.
- Good night, Kyle.
- Colin.
I hadn't finished speaking. Uh.
Good night, Kyle-in.
- [LASZLO] Good to have you back, old chap.
- [JERRY] Good to be back.
And good to see you
two getting along again.
What's he talking about, my darling?
When I went under, you two
weren't speaking at all.
You hadn't spoken in five or six years.
Really? I think I'd
remember something like that.
Um. Me too.
Maybe it was a different
Laszlo and Nadja.
It was a long time ago, I guess.
Literally 50 years ago,
which, again, was not the plan.
Colin Robinson, do you remember
a time when me and Laszlo
had such a big argument that we
didn't speak for about five years?
- Yeah.
- Well, what was it about?
It couldn't have been that bad.
I'm sure it's water
under the bridge now.
You wanted to go out and get a real job
because of your morbid
fascination with regular folks.
- Right.
- And Laszlo forbade it.
- He said it was too "dangerous-uh"
- [LASZLO] Yeah.
for you to be out on your own
without his protection
or some bullshit.
You longhead streak of British piss!
Who are you to say that
I need your protection?
If I want to go out
mingling amongst the humans,
I am perfectly capable
of taking care of myself.
- I forbid it.
- Well, you know what? You can get fucked.
How dare you talk to me like
that with that salty tongue?
- Why do you bring it up?
- What about me?
Can't you see I'm dealing
with my own stuff over here?
Jerry was one of the only
real friends that I ever had.
At least I thought he was.
It's pretty obvious, though,
that the guy doesn't remember me.
[NANDOR] Jerry is right, of course.
What have I become?
My own familiar humiliates
me and what do I do?
Murder him? Nah, I become his landlord.
Where did I lose my way?
[LASZLO] Jerry's right, of course.
I staked my entire reputation
on being a man of science.
A man to create life from dead tissue.
And what did I do?
I let a couple of setbacks
shake my confidence
and spent the last 50 years
pulling my pud. [SIGHS]
Who the hell is Laszlo
to forbid anything?
Think of what I could have become
if I had learned the ways
of the humans 50 years ago.
That's right, girl. Don't let
these motherfuckers hold you back.
Yes. Exactly.
Truth.
A lot of bad feelings
in the house right now,
which would ordinarily be a
feast for an energy vampire.
But it's too much of a good
thing and it's starting to show.
I'm not even trying to feast
on all the negative energy,
but it keeps soaking in
and I'll be damned if it
doesn't go straight to my hips.
Guillermo, do you think you might
respect me more if I had killed you?
What? No.
I think that was a
very nice thing you did.
- Not killing me.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
Formerly known as Nandor the Relentless,
now known as Nandor
the kind-of-nice guy.
Gizmo, I want you to have
my scientific devices.
I won't be needing them
anymore. I do not deserve them.
My bone saw, all yours.
Stethoscope, you can have that.
- Whatever you like.
- What if I killed you now?
Do you think that would make a
difference? The moment has passed.
You sure you wanna get rid of
this? Looks pretty expensive.
Well, that there is my anal speculum.
It's tarnished from years of use,
but you're more than welcome to it.
Guillermo, I need you to do me a
favor and please tell the pompous trout
with a woman's haircut,
also known as Laszlo,
that he needs to move his
coffin from our bedroom
to the couch in the library.
- But he's right there.
- Gizmo, would you please tell my wife
if she wishes to kick
a man while he's down,
to do so in writing?
[GUILLERMO] What is
going on with you guys?
- Oh, hey. Yes.
- Guillermo. Colin Robinson.
I used to live in the house
right over there with you.
Colin, I know who you are.
At least somebody does.
Okay, this is not my place, not my job,
but clearly something's wrong.
And I think we can
all agree what that is.
That I have become a total pussy?
- That I am a total failure?
- That Laszlo is a total failure?
- That my pants don't fit anymore?
- [GUILLERMO] No.
I was gonna say it's Jerry.
- What? Jerry. He just tells it like it is!
- Such a great guy.
I know, I'm sure Jerry is a great,
- fantastic guy
- He is.
but, you know, something
happens when you add a new person
into a group of friends.
It throws off the dynamic.
But you were the new person.
- Hang on. He was never a friend.
- Okay, that's harsh,
but I made it work because
I did whatever it took
to make all of you happy.
I mean, I ate your shit over and over.
I mean, until I basically
had no life of my own.
Okay, is this your sneaky, slimy,
little way of letting us know that you
want to move back into the house with us
- and start working for us again?
- We accept.
- No. No, absolutely not.
- [NANDOR] I was just joking, you know,
because we're doing
just fine without you.
Great. The point is, I'm sure
Jerry was a great friend, right?
- Such a great guy.
- You had a great time with him,
but it's just not working anymore.
And you all need to be honest
with yourself and with him.
- He's right.
- Thank you.
Guillermo, can you please tell
the man who just said "he's right"
that I reluctantly agree with him?
Okay, Guillermo is right. We will fix.
- Great.
- Great.
- I'll see you out. Thanks for coming.
- Guillermo?
- Yes? Uh-huh?
- One more thing.
Will you help us fix this?
What part of "I don't work
for you" don't you understand?
Okay, fine. Not as a former familiar
or as a preeminent former shit-eater
of Staten Island, but
as a former friend.
Yeah.
Look, we all know this is gonna be
a hard conversation to have, right?
- Yes.
- Okay. So who's gonna do the talking?
- As leader of this group
- You're not the leader of the group.
- I shall do it.
- Well, I don't disagree with that.
Guillermo, could you please tell
Laszlo that it is not ever his right
- to say what people can and cannot do?
- [HORN BEEPS]
Guys, can you just step back a little
bit? I'm trying to turn around.
- Okay, so what are you going to say?
- I will say,
"Jerry, old friend, we love
you and we have love for you,
but it's just not working out."
That's great so far.
Okay, and then what?
These two will hold him down,
and I'm gonna drive this
stake through his heart.
What? No.
Or I could just chop his head off.
- No.
- [LASZLO] Douse him with this holy water.
- [GUILLERMO] No.
- If he tries making a run for it, I got this bad boy.
What makes you think
that you need to kill him?
- It was your idea.
- [GUILLERMO] No, it wasn't.
There are other ways
of ending a relationship
than killing the other person.
- Name one.
- [COFFIN DOOR OPENS]
- [NANDOR] Shit.
- [YAWNS] Hey, guys. What's up?
What? Did you let me
sleep for another 50 years?
What year is it?
- Kidding, kidding.
- Jerry, old friend.
- Nandor.
- Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
[CLEARS THROAT] We love you
and we have love for you.
But it's just
The thing is, you mean so much
to us. You're such a No.
Sorry, Jerry. We forgot to tell you that
you're such a big part of this family.
And there's something
that they all discovered
while you were asleep for 50
years and they forgot to tell you.
- No.
- Tell me.
Well, no, I forgot it was my
job and I dropped the ball.
- I forgot to tell you.
- Yes. Typical Guillermo fuckup.
It's just that See,
Jerry, it's Sorry.
I heard that you were the brains behind
the whole taking over America plan.
Yeah. Guilty.
He's gonna like what
we have to show him.
So why don't you come on
out and we will show you
- He's running!
- No, he's not, Colin.
Oh, gosh! It went right through
my foot in my orthopedic shoe.
- [JERRY] You had a crossbow.
- [COLIN] Ooh, that hurts.
[GUILLERMO] So, what do you think?
Am I supposed to F him or
You know, what's the plan here?
I mean, you can if you want, but no,
that's not why I brought him here.
Well, why did you bring him here?
PS, I probably will F him but more
out of boredom than anything else.
Such as the plight of The Guide.
Okay. No, I brought him
here because he's everything
you've been waiting
your entire life for.
He wants to take over the New World.
- It can't be true.
- It is.
Could he be the chosen one
who will finally make
our conquest a reality?
- Yep.
- You know, I once thought
Nandor was the chosen one.
- Or Nadja and then Laszlo and never Colin.
- Never.
I just said those guys are
kind of not self-starters.
- That's true.
- Uh, Lieutenant. [CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, you can just call me The Guide.
You'll answer to "Lieutenant,"
and you'll like it.
You'll find I'm a bit of a
stickler for a chain of command.
- I like him very much.
- Told you.
Yes, sir. Lieutenant
at your service, sir.
Now, is this the most current map
of the continental United States?
- [GUILLERMO] No.
- No, it is not, sir.
Also, I see that I missed
a vampire infiltrating
the highest ranks of the US government
a heartbeat away from the presidency.
Yes, sir. Alexander the Haig.
Get me everything you have on this guy.
We haven't had a vampire
so close to the throne
of human power since McNamara in '61.
Pulling those documents now, sir.
[NANDOR] And so we are of one mind.
Therefore, we shall meet here for
at least three hours every night
and conceive a plan
the complete and total vampire
subjugation of all humans.
- Hear! Hear!
- Absolutely. Let's do this.
- Yes.
- Can I get a beep-beep?
[HORN BEEPS]
Conquering the New World
is indeed job number one.
It is of the utmost importance.
But is it as important as creating life?
I'm still a little mad at Laszlo
for being a little pussy bitch,
threatened and scared because I
wanted to learn the ways of the humans.
But now, it is all about
just me going out there
and getting some and then
getting a little piece more.
- Hmm?
- What about conquering the New World?
You know, yes, conquering
the New World or nothing.
Very important to me.
Gonna get to it soon.
Now let the conquest of
the New World commence.
House meeting. House meeting.
Hello? Guys?
We didn't start the fire ♪
It was always burning since
the world's been turning ♪
[JERRY] Pull me everything you've got
- on foreign debt
- All right.
- homeless vets
- Yes.
- AIDS, crack
- Uh-huh.
- Yes, sir. Okay.
- and Bernie Goetz.
Also any relevant documents concerning
the rock and roller Cola Wars.
- Yes, here's a rock and roller Cola "scroll."
- Ah, perfect.
Rock and roller, cola wars
I can't take it anymore ♪
We didn't start the fire ♪
It was always burning since
the world's been turning ♪
We didn't start the fire ♪
But when we are gone
it will still burn on ♪
And on, and on and on, and
on, and on, and on, and on ♪
We didn't start the fire ♪
It was always burning since
the world's been turning ♪
We didn't start the fire ♪
No, we didn't light it
but we tried to fight it ♪
We didn't start the fire ♪
It was always burning since
the world's been turning ♪
We didn't start the fire ♪