Workaholics s06e01 Episode Script

Ders, I am the better beatboxer.
Blake, your beatbox is a weak-box.
Oh, Blake, you gonna let him talk to you like that? You better battle back.
- Yeah.
- Now? - Yep.
- No, no.
Not now.
I mean, I have to, like, warm up.
- Okay? See? - I would need hot tea.
- Oh.
- It's just a whole process.
- Beatbox, Blake! - Let's go.
Okay, just let me put the record on.
[imitates record scratching.]
[beatboxing poorly.]
Ho, ho, ho! Ders, is it too hot to handle? Hit us with it.
All right, here we go, here we go.
- Okay.
- [imitates record scratching.]
Well, I'm about to turn in, kids.
What are you gonna do? We're gonna party, Daddy! P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-party.
P-party, Daddy.
[beatboxing poorly.]
Party, Daddy.
[continues beatboxing poorly.]
Whoo! Whoo! It's too hot in here.
Blake, hit 'em with it! Okay.
[imitates electronic music poorly.]
[both beatboxing poorly.]
Oh, oh, that was goddamn loony tunes.
Adam, we're not that good.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
It's a real gummy meat.
I don't like it when the meat stops being chewy, right? Because then you get a longer meal.
Because you're chewing.
You don't just swallow.
- Right.
- Yeah.
You get more bite for your buck.
It's almost like eating a wet paper towel in a way.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
All I know, fellas, is I love Yoshinoya bowls Yeah, I mean they're good.
- Great song.
- Mm-hmm.
Thanks, man.
I want to pitch it to the-- - What's up, brothers? - Mm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's Cushing.
Cushing Ward.
We used to work here together.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
What's up, dude? - Wow.
I mean, I didn't recognize you.
You've lost a lot of weight, and your-- Your skin looks fantastic.
It's so shiny.
- You used to look horrible.
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, I lost, like, 70 pounds, started using essential oils, - Sure.
- That's cool.
I can relate because I recently lost four pounds and started using a loofah with Old Spice Swagger.
So we're like the same dude.
Yeah, totally.
Totally, man.
So what's the deal? I'm getting, like, a real "Ballers" vibe from you, man.
You working with athletes? Is that what that is? No, I'm still doing telemarketing for TAC.
Work at the Van Nuys branch.
Just dropped something off for Alice.
What? You--you're a telemarketer and you drive a Porsche? No, you a coke dealer.
That's how you got so skinny, huh? No, no, no, no, no, still working at Van Nuys.
Just a whole different world over there.
Huh.
Guy that runs the place, JP, is just a real leader.
If it wasn't for him, I'd probably still be living with a bunch of dudes, smoking weed all day, eating Yoshinoya, driving my old shitty car, not this car.
Yeah, I'm with you, man.
I drive that Range Rover.
That's mine.
That's what I drive.
- I own that car.
- Yep.
- So - It's backing away, your car.
Ah, okay, so that lady's probably taking it for a wash, you know? - I'll see you around? - Yeah.
Be sure and wax it.
Hi, Alice.
Question Do you have any idea how much time we waste here doing dumb-ass beatbox competitions? She probably doesn't.
Do you even know how many naps we've taken today? I'll tell you, Alice.
Three.
And as far as I'm concerned, that's one too many.
Yeah.
Okay, I don't know what this is about, but I do not have time, okay? I have a very big presentation coming up now.
And there it is right there-- everything that's wrong with you as a so-called "leader.
" - Yeah.
- See that? It was in quotes.
Yeah, and that is why we're so-called "losers," because you don't lead us good, okay? I'm an idiot 'cause you're a bozo.
- Deep down, I'm a great man.
- Yeah.
And a true pimp playboy for real.
But you're don't inspire that out of us.
In fact, you're always yelling at us, acting like a total bitch.
Excuse me? I was, um "Acting," he said.
- "Acting like a bitch.
" - I did say "acting.
" - Yeah.
- We're not calling you a bitch.
We're saying that things you do are that of a bitch.
Right, you have bitch-ish ways about you.
- Bitch-ishness.
- Yeah, bitchy, bitchy.
- Yeah, just a little bit.
- Yeah.
- Act.
Acting.
- Okay, that is it.
Everybody out now.
That's kind of what we're talking about.
Unless you want to be fired.
No, but how about a transfer to TAC-Van Nuys? Yeah, because the boss there is a true leader, unlike you.
And he's gonna inspire us to be great men and true playboy pimps for real.
Okay, so I no longer have to waste valuable time on stupid shit like this? - That's right.
- Consider it done.
- You'll start there tomorrow.
- Okay.
Well, now that we're not working together, I was hoping that me and you could-- [door slams.]
Hello? Are you sure this is it? [telephone ringing.]
Hello? Sell me.
Uh, okay, sell you what? Sell me on each other.
Sell me on why you deserve to work here.
Well, hi.
You're here with a guy name Blake Henderson.
This guy's good.
He could--he could sell sand to Sandra Bullock, who probably doesn't need sand.
She's probably got a beach house in Malibu, right? And if you don't hire him, you're gonna regret it for your whole life, and you'll probably end up dying of regret cancer, which is a real thing-- my aunt died from it.
She regretted smoking her whole life.
Yeah, yeah.
My good friend, Adam "The Money Boy" DeMamp, is a sales shark.
He's a hammerhead.
Oh, no, more like a phone-head shark, because this dude-- it's basically like he has a phone attached to his head, and he's circling those sales.
But actually, I want to move the spotlight over to my dude Anders Holmvik, okay? And I want to move the spotlight back to me because I didn't like that last one.
So let's just do a couple more about me.
Okay, yeah, and I'll get back to you-- Stop.
I've made my decision.
And, boys, I'm buying what you're selling.
All right.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah.
Right on.
You’ve got one week to prove that you belong here permanently.
Congrats, boys.
Welcome to TAC-Van Nuys, or as JP here likes to call it The motherfucking Dough Jo.
All: Dough Jo.
Dough Jo.
Dough Jo.
Now, who her wants a Carl's Jr.
sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit coupon? [all cheering.]
- That's mine! - I caught one.
Oh, wow.
Gorgeous photos.
Herb Ritts shoot these? No, my boy Juan Carlos took these.
Crazy talented.
Shot Brooke Burke for the cover of "Stuff" magazine.
- Wow.
- I love "Stuff" magazine.
Hey, whoa.
You can't go in there.
That leads to JP's office.
It's off-limits, except for VIPs.
- VIPs.
- VIPs.
And these are gonna be your offices.
Wait.
We get our own offices? TAC-Van Nuys, baby.
Just call down to Shannon, the office manager.
Let her know what decor you prefer, and she'll make it happen.
I love decor.
- Yeah! - All right.
Look, my name.
You'll also find new suits as well as the hair gel and essential oils that JP recommends.
Get changed.
JP's blasting off a speech in ten.
- Be there! - Okay! So here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna take this week.
We're gonna butt-fuck it until it dumps Monday! - [all cheering.]
- Fuck, yes! - Yes! - Fuck, yes! - Yes! Whoo! - Fuck, yes.
Fuck, yeah.
If some old man says to you, "No," because he's broke because he spent his money on expensive heart medication, what does that mean? All: Yes.
Because no means all: Yes.
I don't know what you're waiting for.
Go, go, go! Yeah! Sell these fucking things! Listen up.
You crushed it.
- Yes! - Okay! - Whoo! - Yeah, that's right, man.
Van Nuys! So here's the big surprise.
I want 200 more sales by 8:00 tonight.
- [all groan.]
- What? Is he serious, dude? I'm, like, exhausted.
Now he wants us to work late? If you want to go home and you want to rip farts and watch "The Dome," the door is right there.
But if you want to be a phone beast and you want to be rewarded-- that's right, rewarded.
We're gonna have Botox shots flying around the office, as well as sushi strippers for all you boys and girls.
- [all cheering.]
- Whoa! - Whoo! - Okay.
All right.
It's like "Showdown in Little Tokyo.
" - Yes.
Yes! - Yeah.
Heck, yeah.
If you guys get to 200 sales, you get to wease the juice with the Wease-Man himself.
Oh! Oh, Pauly Shore! Oh, Pauly Shore! Encino-- Oh, my God, man.
Hello, TAC.
Van Nuys guys.
Who's ready to motherfucking party? [all cheering.]
Me.
I am, Pauly.
Me and Pauly are old friends, and, uh, he lost a bet.
[laughter.]
This makes us even, JP.
- You son of a bitch.
- Yeah.
Well, if you guys start working the phones and you start making those sales, guess what.
I'll get you on TMZ tonight.
- Yes! - Yeah! - Go, go, go, go, go! - Okay.
- Yeah.
- Sell, sell, sell.
- 200 more! - Let's go.
I wish I would have had some beers in here or maybe some sake bombs or something or some of that sushi, man, or one of those hot little stripper bitches.
Of course they're great for kids.
How many do you want? Ten? They're yours.
I mean, the real question is, do you care about the happiness of your children? And that's a yes! Whoo! Sold, baby! And just so you know, with the purchase of this product, you do have a three-year warranty.
Excellent.
You have a nice day too.
Hyuh! Yah.
Kyo-tasha! Bam, yeah! I love it! Whoo! We be selling.
I want you to be Sales Team Six! I want you to be samurai telemarketing fucking warriors! I don't care if your fucking mom dies today! - [shoes clapping loudly.]
- Okay.
Ow, that was loud.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't hear.
Sold! Ahhh! I made a sale, girl.
You got three kids.
I say you buy three.
Great.
All right, take care.
We got a sale! Sir, I'm afraid that's the best offer I can get you.
You know what? I'm gonna put you on hold and let you think about that.
Wait, wait.
Ho, ho.
Ah, yep.
How are you? I don't want to let go, but I have to 'cause I'm addicted to sales right now.
You got ten minutes till judgment day.
Come on, let's move it.
No.
Actually, hold on.
Yeah.
God damn.
[blows raspberry.]
Hang up the phones.
Hang 'em up.
[exhales sharply through nose.]
Feel good? - Yeah.
- Are you sore? 'Cause you should be sore.
Because today just butt-fuck you up the ass! Butt-fuck! You're 27 units short of expectations.
- You kidding me? - Not good enough! That means that nobody gets to wease the juice with Pauly! Wha--Well, can we at least talk to him? No! Whoa, whoa.
JP! JP! Well, you heard him.
It's over.
- Go home.
- Don't leave me in here! I'm gonna die! Ding dong, the Weasel's fucking dead.
That means we might never get to party with Pauly Shore and probably join his crew.
Yeah, well, you know, you heard what JP said.
He said no.
And you know what that means, right? Halt! What size are those crystal clappers? You're pretty good at that.
Okay, stripper pole is secure.
All right, hang in there, buddy.
We're gonna get you out real soon, okay? Pauly, I'm gonna spin off this bar, smash into the cage with my heels, and free your ass.
- All right.
- You ready? Cool.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Whoo! Aaah! Oh, are you okay, Pauly? Watch out, Adam! - Pauly, are you all right? - Pauly, are you all right? That was amazing.
Whoo! - What the hell? Who did this? - Yeah, who did this? Shut up, Cushing.
I just asked that question.
Um, we did.
And why would you ever think that this would be okay? Because no means yes? No? That right there is why I fucking love you guys! - You got guts.
- Yeah.
Congratulations.
You get to party with Pauly Shore.
That's cool.
What's he-- Oh, wow.
Enjoy your night, and tomorrow come see me in my office.
- Bye, Pauly.
- Bye, JP.
This took balls, heaps of them.
Heaps of balls.
Ah! - See you tomorrow, VIPs.
- Yeah! I love my life - To Pauly.
- To Pauly.
To Pauly.
[laughter.]
Ah, breakfast booze, my favorite.
- So your whole office is a sauna? - That's right.
Nothing better than sitting in a spa for seven, eight hours a day-- good for the skin.
And, uh, the strippers have been here all night? Absolutely.
Oxygenates their vaginas.
- They love it.
- Sure.
Hey.
Hey, how are you? Ah, it's nice in here.
I've been watching you very closely this week.
I've wanted you to stare at me.
And I am very impressed with what I see, and we were wondering if you would like to join us full-time at TAC-Van Nuys.
- Yes.
- Yes, we would.
- Thank you so much.
- Yes.
This is cool.
- Oh! Up top! Oh, man.
Awesome.
- Great work.
There are a couple of, uh, minor details that we would like to discuss with you - Sure.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Alone.
And the girls have to leave because of this matter? Yes.
Disappear like your fathers.
- Look at her butt.
- Cool.
That's awesome.
- Butts rule.
- They do.
They rock.
Honestly, JP, you are such a great leader, I would run through a brick wall for you, which I've actually done before in my parent's basement.
Okay, shh.
Just listen.
Cushing, shut the fuck up, and you just listen! You just listen! You just listen, Cushing.
I'm sure you may have heard that we are taking over the San Bernardino and Diamond Bar branches from TAC.
Yeah, yeah.
I think I've read about that.
- I heard about it.
- Yeah.
What does that mean, business-wise? It means that that staff is [imitates blade cutting.]
Axed, and corporate sends us their business.
[laughing.]
[laughing.]
Laugh, laugh.
[all laugh.]
Biz-nass.
And that's fun because, like, they don't have jobs anymore, right? My next target is Rancho, and I cannot wait to see the look on my ex-wife's face when I take her down.
You were married to Alice? Worst nine weeks of my entire life.
I mean, we were sport-fucking for a while there because that bitch likes to ride the ride.
- Yep.
- I always thought that.
What I need is for you to go back there and steal me the presentation from Alice before the big meeting today.
She's a pretty good writer for a chick.
If she bombs it and I look great, takeover inevitable.
- Uh, yeah, we're your guys.
- Yeah, we can do that.
Good.
Excellent.
Because if you do not do that, you are fired.
- Yeah.
- Duh.
I think my stripper fainted.
Oh, no, no, no, no, not again.
You've never had anyone die here before, right? No.
- No means yes.
No means yes.
- No means yes.
Got it.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Whoa.
What the hell is that? I think that's us.
Wow.
That is really, really horrible.
Yeah.
Well, Waymond painted that for you guys.
He hasn't been the same since you left.
- Hasn't spoken a word.
- He's tuckered out.
I mean, I don't know how he finds time to take a nap.
What's going on here? - That's weird.
- The good old days.
You really like it better over there? I mean, it's different, you know? It's intense, you know, like, agh.
But there's Botox to take care of the stress wrinkles and sushi.
And it doesn't taste like Yoshinoya.
Well, we'd love to have you back here, get the Wicky Wild Boys Crew back together.
Wicky, wicky wild.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Okay, I know we were never in a group with Bill called the Wicky Wild Boys, but maybe we should put this back.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, we do this, those guys get canned.
Right.
Well, well, well did you boys get fired already? That happened faster than I thought.
No, it didn't, 'cause we're not.
Yeah, in fact, we have a new leader now who's teaching us how to be great men.
In fact, we're amazing men now, and we're true playboy pimps for real.
Well, it's been amazing not having you here.
In fact, I never realized how much you weighed us down.
[chuckles.]
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to rock.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're doing it, 'cause she can't talk to us like that.
You know, she's lucky that she was married to JP, you know? How do you let a piece like that go? He's a hot piece of ass, right? And you know he's hogged out.
You saw the outline through the towel.
- Oh, I saw it.
- Dude, he is fully hogging.
JP, why don't you kick things off? One second, Mel.
Okay, do we have the flash drive? Yeah, we have the flash drive.
Give her hell.
Or, give them-- give the whole - Okay.
- Whoo! JP! Yeah! Van Nuys! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Van Nuys in the house.
All right.
So what we have here is Whoa.
[chuckles.]
Oh, I don't know what this is about.
[chuckles.]
Jokes.
Oh.
Oh, fuck.
Oh! No.
Ah, shit.
Shit, fuck.
Fuck.
Did you do this? No, we didn't.
You did this.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Fine! I put up numbers.
I am Sales Team Six! I dare you, fire me.
Fire me! You're fired.
Cushing will take over Van Nuys.
This is unacceptable on every level.
I thought it was good.
Good presentation.
Thanks, everyone.
Great stuff from almost all of you.
Alice, spectacular presentation, as usual.
Thank you so much, Mel, and I'll see you next quarter.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, you boys sneaking out? - Huh? - Hmm? I just wanted to take a second and thank you for helping me out in there.
What are you talking about? Oh, you thought it was just a coincidence that you ran into Cushing and he convinced you into a transfer.
Uh-huh.
You knew that JP was gonna ask us to take your flash drive? Cushing, my new boyfriend, gave me the inside scoop a week ago, and I took it from there.
- Oh! - That's good.
- You're banging Cushing too? - Oh, my gosh.
Man, I bet he's hogging out as well.
Yeah, you are roping in some good ones, huh? Is it huge? Like, what does it look-- You know what? It doesn't matter.
Who's bigger? That was an awesome leadership move.
Honestly, we were wrong about you.
You don't always act like a bitch.
Hey, I do not act like a bitch.
I am a bitch.
A bad, bad bitch, you bitch.
Pretty cool we got our jobs back, and we finally got time to smoke some weed on the clock.
Well, the bitch knows we're here to help, right? What? She calls herself a bitch.
- She did.
- So I can say that.
Whoa, whoa.
You hear that? [distant slurping.]
I think we got another beatboxer in the office.
Ders, go in there and then rap over his flow, and I'll FaceTime Pauly.
- Yeah, I'll do that, yeah.
- You got his number! Yes, I did.
[moaning.]
- Whoa.
- Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Oh, uh [clears throat.]
We weren't, uh No, no, uh, we just thought we heard somebody eat-boxing.
Eat-boxing Nice.