Cold Feet (1997) s06e02 Episode Script
Series 6, Episode 2
1 He is making a terrible mistake -- and he knows it.
I think she's lovely, Adam.
- I'm going to be expelled.
- Your son desperately needs his dad.
I'm about to get married.
Before you are joined in matrimony, I have to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make.
.
.
wed.
Adam? Adam? I'm sorry, I tuned out a wee bit there.
Where are we up to? I know declare you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Hi.
Come on.
Oh God, oh God.
- I can't leave Matthew.
- But Angela -- Is expecting me to move back to Singapore.
OK, what are you going to do? - They did a bad, bad thing - Oh They did a bad, bad thing You ever love someone so much You thought your little heart was gonna break in two? - Hiya.
- I didn't think so You ever try with all your heart and soul To get you lover back to you? I wanna hope so You ever pray with all your heart and soul Just to watch her walk away - The wedding present you bought them, did you keep the receipt? - Eh? - Oh.
- Yeah.
Baby did a bad bad thing Baby did a bad bad thing Adam? We haven't even cut the cake yet.
I can't turn round and say, "Oh, we were gonna go on honeymoon, then move into that lovely apartment we signed the lease on in Singapore.
Slight change of plan.
I'm not coming.
" Well, you're gonna have to.
- When would be the best time to break it to her? - Before you got married? - Well - Before you leave for your honeymoon.
- OK.
- Baby did a bad, bad thing OK.
Baby did a bad bad thing You ever love someone so much You thought your little heart was gonna break in two? I didn't think so You ever tried with all your heart and soul To get you lover back to you? I wanna hope so You ever pray with all your heart and soul Just to watch her walk away? Look, um, there's no good way to say this, so I'm just gonna say it.
Um Oh, feel like cryin'! This isn't happening.
You can't be serious? Married unless false pretences! You bastard! You've led me on.
You never had any intention of living in Singapore! Look, we can make this work.
Matt can visit us.
We'll meet him halfway.
Why come on our honeymoon if you won't stay for the marriage? I just wanna be left on my own.
Denial, anger, bargaining, and depression? - It's the five stages of grief, that, and all before takeoff.
- That's four.
- What's the fifth? - Acceptance.
And if I know Angela, that's gonna take quite a while.
I accept that you have to put Matt first.
Know her well, do ya? - Hiya.
- Hi.
His exams are the most important thing now, and if that means that you have to stay, then fine.
You mean you'll stay? With me? - In Manchester? - For better or worse, eh? I knew there was a reason I picked you.
I think you'll find that I picked you.
Mmm Here he is, Dad.
He's been a bit down this morning.
He's been looking forward to you coming.
Dad? Look who's here.
- Pete.
- Of course it's Pete.
Nobody else visits, they're all dead.
And he only comes cos he gets paid.
Seven quid an hour? I don't think it's worth it.
- So how are you, you miserable old sod? - Miserable and old.
- It'll come to you.
- I think it already has.
Right then, I'll see you at the weekend, Dad.
When you talk to that worthless brother of yours, remind him where I live.
People say I should be proud of him, eh, our Paul.
University lecturer.
Huh.
Never visits.
He's probably busy, Harry.
Aye, too busy to spare a few minutes for his dad.
I don't know, maybe it's my fault? Didn't give him enough hugs when he was young, eh? Huh.
That's usually the charge nowadays, isn't it, eh? - Well, if I gave my son a hug, he'd probably run a mile.
- Mmm.
You promised you wouldn't say anything.
I wasn't going to, but I could not let your dad get married - not knowing how unhappy you are.
- Still got married.
And we're not going back to Singapore.
We have to find you a new school.
You can try the twins' school.
It's coed.
- What do you need to get in? - In my case, David's chequebook.
- Huh.
That's good though, eh? - Yeah, of course.
Right, I'll give them a call.
But the dope smoking's gotta stop.
- Dope? - Oh, I'm so sorry, weed.
And you can stop dealing nitrous oxide to your friends.
They weren't my friends.
- You'll forgive me, won't you, Matt? - You should, son.
It's only because she cares so much she said something.
Right, we're off.
Oh, can't he stay? I don't suppose he'll start school for at least a week.
If you like, you can have Josh's room.
- Stash of porn behind the radiator.
- Ellie.
I think I'd like to stay.
Not for that reason.
OK.
OK.
Thanks.
Be good.
- Bye, Matt.
- See you.
I've got unused leave, but not enough.
We'll worry about that later.
If it runs out, you can always pull a sickie.
- I'd like to do that, but I wouldn't get paid.
- Do you not enjoy your job? Well, I don't do it for the love of it.
- Welcome drinks in the bar at six.
Help yourself to a goody bag.
- Thanks.
Oi! Oi, oi! One each.
I saw that.
Tsk.
Welcome drinks in the bar at six.
Help yourself to a goody bag.
I do get to meet new people, but they all tend to be sales reps.
Still, at least I like to socialise, which is more than you can say for Pete at the minute.
It's just a pity, they're all a bit dull.
Mind you, they probably say the same about me.
Can you not pretend to be interesting? You know, they don't have to know the truth.
Oh, role play, like when couples' marriages are flagging.
Personally, I can't wait.
David, time for a quick word? I'm meeting some people, Roger.
Already running late.
- I hear you know Eddie Zubayr.
- Word does get about quickly.
Well, if you will put it about.
By your age, David, many have become complacent, they've lost their edge.
But you, you have managed to stay one step ahead of the pack, kept the youngsters at bay.
But they are snapping ever closer at your heels.
Yes.
Tenacious little bastards.
Landing Eddie Zubayr would be quite a coup for this firm.
For you too.
- Well, I've met him, but -- - Excellent.
It should make your job a lot easier.
I've told the board they can expect an announcement soon.
You won't let me down, will you? - So two hours after breaking up, you were in bed together? - Mmm.
- And two hours after that.
- Make-up sex.
The best kind.
- You should try it.
- Any kind would be a bonus.
Are you and Pete not, um? Um, he's sort of lost the urge.
That happens, some men at his age.
- I've seen no evidence of that.
- Her words, not mine.
I do try and keep him interested.
You know, gee him up.
He said he'd rather go to sleep, and I'm trying not to take it personally.
Oh God.
Hey.
Hey.
David, aren't you forgetting something? - Sorry, Pete, yeah.
Thanks for the lift.
- No, no, wait.
Wait.
You need to pay.
Oh, yes, of course.
- Of course, sorry.
- It's, er - 19 quid? - I had to wait.
Here.
Keep the change.
I'll need a receipt.
A blank one'll do.
- Is Robyn not with you? - Oh.
Hi.
Er, no, no, she's got something on.
Did you even ask her? I think I mentioned it.
In passing.
Karen, um, whilst we're on our own, I've got this for you to sign.
- It's a stat dec saying that you were driving when I was speeding.
- OK.
- And you've seen the photos? - Yes.
- You definitely can't tell it's you? It's a shocking likeness, and even better, it's from the rear-view camera.
- Angela, welcome to Manchester.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- We are delighted that you're both staying.
- Five months.
- Tops.
Ah.
Does that mean that we might be seeing more of your father? - No self-interest in that question.
- No, no.
No.
- We had dinner with him last night, actually.
- Really? Think what I'd gain.
The experience of a different culture.
- Manchester.
- There's culture here.
- It's Britain's second city.
- First.
London's full of bellends.
- Sorry, not bellends.
Um, dickheads.
No.
- Wait.
I want to be here with Adam, and he needs to be here for his son.
Children are important.
If you don't give him enough attention now, when he grows up he'll do exactly what he wants without a thought for you.
He'll do that anyway.
I dare say I could find a reason to visit.
- A business opportunity.
- Well, you could just come to see me.
Sorry.
If I can be of any help, here's my card.
I think I may have been a bit harsh on that Angela.
She's all right.
Hmm.
It was nice of Adam to treat us.
Eh? Pete do you remember when we used to play games? What like? Buckaroo? - Pictionary? - Eh? - Oh, I hated Pictionary.
No.
You know, make-believe.
The maid.
Eh? You liked her.
And do you remember the mill owner? I do.
And it felt faintly ridiculous even then.
Well, look, I'm not saying it needs to be about, you know, the sex, it's just a bit of fun.
- Hey, OK, follow that car! - What? Why? Why? I don't know.
Just to see where the driver's going.
Come on.
Home to bed, I would imagine.
Which is exactly where I'm headed.
OK.
Dad, it's not that easy to fit in.
You have to have a group.
- You know, meatheads, cool kids, Goths.
- Still? Most kids know which group they belong to.
I never have.
- I mean, I'm quite good at sport.
- My genes.
- But then I do well in exams too.
- Your mother's.
And there's no way I want to be a nerd.
- No, who would? Not even the nerds.
- Most of them aren't aware, that's what marks them out.
- Can you not be between groups? A floater? - A misfit.
No, an individual who's above such things.
It's a long time since you were at school.
When I was we didn't have groups.
We just had mates.
Like Pete.
He wasn't one of the cool kids.
- That's the group I really want to be in.
- Oh, whoa.
- Listen, you know what it takes? Confidence, that's all.
- Ohh.
Being comfortable in your own skin.
You wanna work hard and do well? Do it, be proud.
You wanna be in the first 15, play the lead in the school play, do it.
- Don't let anyone tell you you can't.
- You can't, - because rehearsals always clash with training.
- OK, but my point is, be the person you wanna be.
That's how people will see you.
You should try that in your new school.
I'm telling you, girls love that shit.
That's That's if girls are your thing? It's easy if you know who you are.
Maybe that's it.
- What? - I don't know who I am.
I'm just not comfortable being me.
Right.
Well, I'll be your point of contact 27/7 - for any questions you may have.
- As it happens, - I do have a couple of questions -- - David, I have a phone call for you.
Not now, Georgia, I'm with a client.
What Golden Goose? Um, I think that this is far too important for a quick fix.
So, I'm going to go away, and I am going to map out the best strategy for you, going forward.
- Well, my couple of queries -- - Whatever they are, I can promise you, you're gonna love the answers.
It's great to see you.
- Georgia, will you show Mr Lamb to reception? - It's Mr Kidd.
Eddie, sorry to have kept you so long.
One moment, Mr Marsden.
We have to increase our stake.
Nine percent.
Don't alert the markets.
- I'll leave it with you.
- David Marston.
Do you have a daughter, David? - Um, well, yes, I do.
Actually two.
- Mine told me I had to ring you.
Right.
Look, I'll be brief.
- I'd like to manage your investments in this country.
- It's Frankfurt.
- .
.
the most highly regarded -- - David -- - international advisors in the North West, - and I am the firm's top performer -- - David -- - specialising in tax minimisation.
- Avoidance, we don't call it that.
- Mr Marston, Mr Zubayr will be in Manchester next week - addressing a business forum dinner.
He would like to invite you and a guest.
- That's wonderful.
May I speak to Mr Zubayr to thank him? I shall pass on your appreciation.
OK, do you Do you want to shower here, or do you want just get your bag and go back to ours? I don't mind staying on a couple more days.
It's your honeymoon.
Are you sure? As long as Karen doesn't mind.
She, er She said it's fine.
- How did it go? - Yeah, good.
- I thought I was gonna struggle, but I managed to keep up, didn't I? - Yeah.
I might do a second lap.
What? Work up a sweat.
Are you up for it? Yeah.
No.
About in a month's time.
Go.
Goodbye.
Look Hah Look.
Never again.
I'm gonna be sick.
- Do you think I need a new carpet? - Well, it's seen better days.
So have I.
That's no reason for getting shot of owt.
1967, that's when we moved in here.
Hmm.
The carpet's a bit more recent.
Ooh, I've been in our house 20 years.
You must be close to paying off your mortgage then? - I should be, but I had to borrow against the house a few years ago.
- Mmm.
I never want to leave this place.
Peter, will you do something for me? Well, if it involves a happy ending, then no.
- Finish me off? - I said no.
If they try to put me into a home.
It's what they want to do, my kids.
They say it's in my best interests.
Suits them more like.
- It'll kill me.
- Well, I won't have to do it then, will I? A slow, lingering death.
Shitting in a nappy, being fed with a spoon.
Spare me that indignity, son.
- Put me out of my misery.
- I can't do that, Harry.
- Yes, you can.
- No, I can't.
- Go on, say it.
- I'm not doing it.
- Say you will.
Go on now, say it.
- No.
- Go on, say it! - No! - Say it, go on! - All right! All right.
I'll kill you, if only to shut you up.
Good lad.
- Jenny, isn't it? - Er, yeah.
Coming for a drink? - Well, I was just off home.
- Just the one.
It's on expenses.
I can't miss it.
I didn't go to the last meeting.
It's a book club, not the UN Security Council.
Robyn, please? Eddie's invited me to bring a guest, and it would look rude if I sat next to an empty chair.
Ah, so it's just my bum on a seat you want, - not my scintillating company? - That would be a bonus.
Take someone from the office, or one of your friends.
Pete.
He looks like he'd appreciate a free feed.
This is a full-time job for you? No.
I also play poker.
What, professionally? - I make a decent living.
- So why do this, then? - Well, what does a poker player need more than anything? - Four aces.
Well, yeah, good point, but no, the ability to read people.
You know, this helps me keep my hand in.
For instance, I can tell you're married.
- Well, wedding ring.
- But it's not your first marriage, - and you've recently had a baby.
- How do you know that? Registration form, please? People reveal more about themselves than they realise.
I'm having a drink with Sherlock.
All right, Dad.
- Hiya.
So how did rehearsals go? - It was all right.
Spent about 20 minutes learning a hard song, then two hours bickering over what to call the band.
- Most bands split up before they can agree.
- We're A Work In Progress.
- So what are you called, then? - That's it.
- That's It? - No.
A Work In Progress.
Oh.
Hmm - Shite, innit? - Yeah.
Actually, I quite like That's It.
It's all right.
It's a bit like Take That.
Not that we're a middle-aged former boy band of diminishing numbers, or can really sing, but it's better.
People think it's ironic.
I'm going to ask the lads now.
Er Dad? - What are you doing? - I'm just giving you a hug, son.
Let the desert wind Cool your aching head Mmm.
That was in Seattle, I think.
That's Christmas with his granddad.
- Do you think he might be gay? - Why? Something he said.
Or rather he didn't say.
Look, I don't care, but I want him to feel like he can tell me.
We used to share everything.
Not any more.
Ant without Dec.
It doesn't bear thinking about.
You'll get there.
Let the weight of the world Drift away instead Thanks for filling in at such short notice.
How's Robyn? Is she feeling any better? Still in bed.
She'll be fine tomorrow.
Just a touch of gastro.
- I should call.
- No, no, no, she'll be sleeping.
- She isn't ill.
She doesn't know I invited you.
- What? - She didn't want to come.
I had to invite someone.
- That's flattering.
It was meant to be.
- You're my first choice.
- Madam? - No, not for me, thank you.
So, David, keeping secrets from your wife.
If you will.
Please? Karen's problem is she won't put herself out there, and it's not like she's gonna meet anyone through work.
There are very few men in publishing, well, that aren't gay.
- She seems happy being on her own.
- Wait till the girls leave home.
She'll be on the wrong side of 50 then.
Oh, the dark side of the moon.
No, she needs to get herself in the game now while she still stands any chance of success whatsoever.
- I don't think she really wants to.
- I know she doesn't.
That's why she needs her friends.
Ooh, hello.
End of the bar.
Old picnic shirt.
He's all right, isn't he? Hello.
- I can't just drop everything.
I'm working.
- Oh, I know.
- I need a cab right now.
- Why, where are you going? Nowhere.
They're just driving me mad.
I'm paying you to come and drink.
- Do I get extra to let you patronise me as well? - That could be included.
Are you having a bad day? Look, I've got a fare.
I've got to go.
Pete? Just a touch of gastro.
When Karen heard there was a spare ticket Do you have a particular interest in bilateral trade? More so since your talk.
Excuse me, a quick photo.
A bit closer together Thank you.
- David, how much do you know about football? - I'm more of a rugger man.
I'm thinking of investing in a team.
Have you been to Old Trafford? - You want to buy Manchester United? - No, even if my pockets were deep enough.
No, I thought a smaller club, - once that I could take places.
- A Bournemouth, say.
- Exactly.
Before they became Bournemouth.
Yes, very good.
Yes, I could scout around for prospects.
Actually, my company has a box at Old Trafford, if you'd like to come to a game? - Perhaps Karen can join us -- since she knows her football? - No, no, - it's really not -- - She'd love to.
Absolutely.
- Mr Zubayr? - Single? - Er, yeah.
- Straight? - What is this? - How old are you? - 42.
- 51.
- Hmm.
Solvent? - I'm a company director, actually.
But still sitting on a bar stool on your own, aren't you, love? OK, now, what do you think of her? - Very nice.
- Isn't she.
OK, so No, glasses off.
Better.
Smile.
Gorgeous.
What's Jen doing? - Asking that guy for his number.
- What? You will come to Old Trafford, won't you? - I think Eddie likes you.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Oh, my God.
Oh! - Is that your married man? - How did you guess? Oh.
- David? - You know you were saying how you wanted to find something special to do with Matt? - Sort of father-son bonding thing? - I don't remember saying that bit.
Well, how about watching the next Manchester United home game - from the comfort of a corporate box? - Are you wise? - Great.
- Yeah.
I thought I might get a stretch limo.
Too much? Yeah, you're probably right.
We are gonna have such fun.
And you remember the songs, eh? Uh? We love United, we do! We loved United, we do! We love United, we do! Oh, United, we love you! 20 times, 20 times Man United Ah! I hate tunnels.
You never told me about your dinner the other night.
- The business forum? - Hmm.
- Yeah, I did.
No, you said I'd dodged a bullet.
You didn't say whether Pete enjoyed it.
I think he enjoyed the dessert.
- Hey! I was just about to reach the next level.
- I just had Debbie Paignton on the phone.
Suggested I might like to have a look at the forum's website.
Would you care to explain this? You lying shit, David.
Pete wasn't there.
- You took your ex-wife.
- I can explain.
- Who people might be forgiven for thinking you were still married to.
- Why would they think that? "Eddie Zubayr with David and Karen Marsden.
" She could be my sister.
Agh! Robyn! How do you think it makes me look? Like I'm the ex-wife! Which right now is quite a tempting proposition.
- Karen asked if she could come.
- What? Yeah, I was quite surprised too, but she's got the hots for Eddie, and I think it's mutual.
He insisted I invite her to Old Trafford this weekend, the corporate box.
You must come too.
Ah, Pete, you should have seen Matthew's face, - a corporate box, he was that made up.
- I'm absolutely delighted for you.
You could at least pretend to be.
Why? You've got everything, haven't you? A hot new wife, money to throw around.
Life comes easy to you, doesn't it, while some of us, some of us have to graft, and even then can't afford to take our sons to Old Trafford.
That's where you're wrong, Grumpy, cos David's invited you and Adam.
He said bring whoever you want, the more the merrier.
- They'll probably lose.
- Oh, you need a pint.
Come on.
Agh! Jesus.
- Are you trying to kill me? - I'm so sorry, Harry.
- What are you doing out? - I'm absconding, making a getaway.
Unless you swap seats, you're not gonna get very far, mate.
- Oh, this is my mate Adam.
- Oh.
Hello.
- Hiya.
- We're just going down the pub.
- Do you wanna come? Oh, I'd love to, but I'm supposed to wait here.
Go on, then.
Go on, United fans together, eh? - I'm not dead yet, you know? - Sorry.
- Despite your pal's best efforts.
- Dad, what's going on? - Oh, sorry, it's our fault, we put him up to it.
- And you are? - This is my carer, Pete.
And his friend Adam.
And we're going for a pint.
- We're due there in ten minutes.
- I told you, I'm not interested.
- Is this a care home? - There's no harm in looking.
Enjoy your drinks.
- Can you believe it? - What a gobshite.
- I know.
Football's not really my thing, but corporate hospitality is.
- Is this David's firm? - Mmm.
- He's invited me.
- David has? - Mmm.
- Are you two, er? - No.
There's this businessman who's got the hots for Mum.
- She's meant to flirt with him.
- Dad's basically pimping her.
- Ellie.
It isn't my dad, is it? Oh, my God, you don't fancy him? - No offence, but -- - She's racist.
- I'm not racist.
He's a businessman, not my type.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
OK, well, maybe this bloke is.
Wait.
OK, he was in the bar the other night, and we got talking.
Well, I went up to him.
Anyway, he's dead keen to meet you, Karen.
Um, admittedly, a police mugshot would be more flattering.
The light was crap.
But you'd do him, wouldn't you? - No.
OK, he had all his own teeth.
- Oh, right.
And I'm meant to ring him and say what exactly? "Hello.
I hear you have all your own teeth"? - Er, I wouldn't open with that.
- I'm not gonna open with anything.
Honestly, Jen, I know you meant well, but really? - It's as much my fault.
- Yeah.
- What is it with couples? Why do you think no-one can be happy unless you're part of the club? Sorry.
I'm just trying to help.
I'm just not interesting in meeting anyone.
I'd have done him.
- "See, the thing is, it turns out the corporate box is full.
" - David, you said there'd be plenty of room.
- "The more the merrier.
" - Yes, well, ordinarily there is, but The chairman got wind that Eddie's coming and wants to come too, along with half the board, - so now I've only got three guests.
- OK.
Me, Matthew and Ang.
- No, Eddie, Karen and Robyn.
- But I've already promised Matthew.
- He's been so looking forward to it.
- Adam, I'm so sorry.
Now, I'll tell you what.
Georgia? My PA will get some off the internet.
It's my treat.
How many do you want? - Six.
- Six? - 'Uh-huh.
' - Ah, no, it's fine.
- Thank you.
Yeah, it's fine.
Are you all right? I can't decide what to wear tomorrow.
1968, first European Cup.
1978, our centenary, or '99, the treble.
Right.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Matthew Williams.
Come up, get up here.
Come on, son.
- There you are, son, there.
- Photo.
Let me take a photo.
Say "cheese".
- Cheese.
- United.
- Well, put it on.
- No.
- Oh, yeah, go on.
- Come on, here.
- Go on, get it on.
Ow! - Ah.
- Give it a twirl.
Ah, come here to me.
- Are you sure you're gonna be warm enough? - Stop mithering.
It's very good of you to take him out.
(Er, Adam.
) Well, go on, then.
It's not an early kick-off, is it? Get the door, Adam.
That's you.
I'm sorry you're not in the box.
It's better in the stands anyway, you know? - The purer, like.
- Hang on, hang on.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Come on.
- Agh! Do you wanna try this? Try that.
- What? - Hold on, hold on.
One more.
- Uh? - No, yours is the same.
- What's going on? Huh? - This is no good.
- What? - No, these cost a fortune, pal.
- Sorry, lads, you've been had.
- What? - Hey? Right team, wrong season.
They're for last year's game.
David! Karen, lovely to see you.
Say hello to Eddie.
He's been asking after you.
I've come here to do you a favour, not to be set up.
- Eddie, hi.
How are you? - Very well.
How are you? - Good.
- Thank you for coming.
Oh, hello.
I didn't see your name on the list.
No, I was passing.
I thought I'd pop in for a free coffee.
Oh.
There you go.
- Played any poker lately? - Eh? Oh, yeah, about that.
I have a confession.
I made it up.
This is me.
Sorry.
Rubbish.
Just trying to make myself interesting.
Well, that does make you interesting.
I'm not really a sales rep.
I'm an undercover cop.
Well, that's what I tell myself when I check in, that it's all part of an investigation.
So, are you working undercover today? Cos I might be free later -- if you want backup? - How old are you, son? - 15.
- 18, you say? - No.
15.
I thought you said 18.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Hey, get us another one, will you, lad? - What, already? - Aye.
- You don't have to worry about Matt having a good time.
- What? Oh God! Do sit down.
Thanks.
I've got a ready sauna.
"Jose Mourinho had to check on the fitness of both Wayne Rooney and Zlatan Ibrahimovic" ".
.
he didn't like the judge.
.
.
he didn't like the decision.
" You're a wanker, referee! - "And here's Harry Kane in the clear.
Kane" - Offside! If we funnel any investments through an entity incorporated in the Dominican Republic, we can reduce the effective tax rate to zero.
".
.
very much in the balance" Dad, can I tell you something you might not like to hear? Is it that you're gay? If it is that, that's fine.
I don't have a problem with that.
Your granddad's gay, or he's bisexual.
He's with a woman right now, but that could go either way.
I mean, the point is, I'm cool with that.
Is that what you were gonna say? - I find football a bit boring.
- What? Look You just have to go to a few games.
- No, I don't want to.
- No, son, I thought that was gonna be our thing.
You know, Saturday afternoon at Old Trafford, fish supper on the way home then we can watch a replay of the match.
Or, like, a family film like we used to.
- I think the last time we did that, we watched Finding Nemo.
- Yeah.
No, I mean I was, like, ten.
- You still like films, don't you? - Dad, it's not like it was.
I've grown up.
- You're 15, son.
- Yes, I'm not a kid any more.
I'm really pleased you're staying.
["The referee didn't hesitate.
".]
I want to live with you and Angela, but I won't want to spend all my time with you.
You do understand that, Dad, don't you? ".
.
drew the foul, stonewall penalty.
" - Well - ".
.
this could be the match here!" "It could be the whole title race, and it's Wayne Rooney" You don't like football, eh? I think I'd prefer it if you came out.
Well, there's still time.
- "Rooney with the penalty.
Two-nil!" - I think you've scored.
What? "Just into the top corner.
Lloris didn't have a prayer.
" "It's a great night to be a Manchester United fan.
Look at" Tell me, Eddie, why do you wanna own your own club? I own a canning factory.
That doesn't mean I like sardines.
- For the prestige, I suppose.
- Which no amount of tinned fish could give you.
You're not like most women I meet.
They don't make me feel like I have to do the running.
I like that about you.
Eh? That put a smile back on your face, eh? - Didn't it, big man, eh? - Oh, give over, will ya.
Harry? Oh, Jesus! Jesus, Adam, call an ambulance.
- I'm so sorry, Harry.
- It's all right, mate.
Takes me back to the old days, when we used to play Millwall.
- David, I'm going to slip away.
- Yes, of course.
Does Eddie know? - David, no.
I hope my being here helped.
- It did.
- I think he's on the verge of giving us some business.
- Well, I'm very pleased for you.
Don't let them on the internet all night, and I should be back by ten.
Well, 10:30, tops.
OK.
Hey.
- Vodka and tonic.
- Oh.
Should we be drinking on duty? We're undercover.
Different rules.
So here's the deal.
See the guys on the next table? Big-time drug dealers.
There's five ks of coke in that briefcase.
Oh, it's exciting.
- We're not to let them out of our sight.
- OK.
OK, they're leaving, they're leaving.
Playboys on the move.
Repeat, on the move.
Oh, right.
- I hope Harry's going to be all right.
- God, yeah.
And poor Pete.
He took it hard.
Yeah, you're not seeing him at his best.
- You mean he's not always Eeyore? - Well, he's never Tigger, but, I mean, lately he's been so bloody miserable.
He's always down, and - That's it.
- What? He's depressed.
You move like a bird With a wounded wing Wounded nerves (Come on.
) (Oh.
What are we gonna do?) - What are you doing? - Well, I didn't want to blow our cover.
Whoa.
Hey, no, stop it.
Oh.
You've spoilt it now.
There's someone here to see you.
- Eddie.
- I hope you don't mind me calling unannounced.
How did you get Oh.
David.
You fled Old Trafford before I had a chance to invite you out for dinner.
I thought that might be your intention, so I thought, how might you persuade her? A private jet? Reservations at Le Marais in Paris? No.
This woman is not so easily impressed.
- Well - She'd be just as happy with a takeaway.
That's what makes her so beguiling.
Did you know Manchester has the best baltis this side of Birmingham? I wonder then what you might say to a very hot Indian? Matt, Ellie, supper.
Ellie, are you in there? Yep.
- Ellie, have you seen Matt? - Mum, don't come in.
(Jesus.
) Ah, shit.
- Oh.
- Jen.
Hey.
Come here, come here.
It's OK.
It's gonna be OK.
Promise.
I'm freefalling Cos I'm free And I'm freefalling Freefalling Yes, I'm free Freefalling
I think she's lovely, Adam.
- I'm going to be expelled.
- Your son desperately needs his dad.
I'm about to get married.
Before you are joined in matrimony, I have to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make.
.
.
wed.
Adam? Adam? I'm sorry, I tuned out a wee bit there.
Where are we up to? I know declare you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Hi.
Come on.
Oh God, oh God.
- I can't leave Matthew.
- But Angela -- Is expecting me to move back to Singapore.
OK, what are you going to do? - They did a bad, bad thing - Oh They did a bad, bad thing You ever love someone so much You thought your little heart was gonna break in two? - Hiya.
- I didn't think so You ever try with all your heart and soul To get you lover back to you? I wanna hope so You ever pray with all your heart and soul Just to watch her walk away - The wedding present you bought them, did you keep the receipt? - Eh? - Oh.
- Yeah.
Baby did a bad bad thing Baby did a bad bad thing Adam? We haven't even cut the cake yet.
I can't turn round and say, "Oh, we were gonna go on honeymoon, then move into that lovely apartment we signed the lease on in Singapore.
Slight change of plan.
I'm not coming.
" Well, you're gonna have to.
- When would be the best time to break it to her? - Before you got married? - Well - Before you leave for your honeymoon.
- OK.
- Baby did a bad, bad thing OK.
Baby did a bad bad thing You ever love someone so much You thought your little heart was gonna break in two? I didn't think so You ever tried with all your heart and soul To get you lover back to you? I wanna hope so You ever pray with all your heart and soul Just to watch her walk away? Look, um, there's no good way to say this, so I'm just gonna say it.
Um Oh, feel like cryin'! This isn't happening.
You can't be serious? Married unless false pretences! You bastard! You've led me on.
You never had any intention of living in Singapore! Look, we can make this work.
Matt can visit us.
We'll meet him halfway.
Why come on our honeymoon if you won't stay for the marriage? I just wanna be left on my own.
Denial, anger, bargaining, and depression? - It's the five stages of grief, that, and all before takeoff.
- That's four.
- What's the fifth? - Acceptance.
And if I know Angela, that's gonna take quite a while.
I accept that you have to put Matt first.
Know her well, do ya? - Hiya.
- Hi.
His exams are the most important thing now, and if that means that you have to stay, then fine.
You mean you'll stay? With me? - In Manchester? - For better or worse, eh? I knew there was a reason I picked you.
I think you'll find that I picked you.
Mmm Here he is, Dad.
He's been a bit down this morning.
He's been looking forward to you coming.
Dad? Look who's here.
- Pete.
- Of course it's Pete.
Nobody else visits, they're all dead.
And he only comes cos he gets paid.
Seven quid an hour? I don't think it's worth it.
- So how are you, you miserable old sod? - Miserable and old.
- It'll come to you.
- I think it already has.
Right then, I'll see you at the weekend, Dad.
When you talk to that worthless brother of yours, remind him where I live.
People say I should be proud of him, eh, our Paul.
University lecturer.
Huh.
Never visits.
He's probably busy, Harry.
Aye, too busy to spare a few minutes for his dad.
I don't know, maybe it's my fault? Didn't give him enough hugs when he was young, eh? Huh.
That's usually the charge nowadays, isn't it, eh? - Well, if I gave my son a hug, he'd probably run a mile.
- Mmm.
You promised you wouldn't say anything.
I wasn't going to, but I could not let your dad get married - not knowing how unhappy you are.
- Still got married.
And we're not going back to Singapore.
We have to find you a new school.
You can try the twins' school.
It's coed.
- What do you need to get in? - In my case, David's chequebook.
- Huh.
That's good though, eh? - Yeah, of course.
Right, I'll give them a call.
But the dope smoking's gotta stop.
- Dope? - Oh, I'm so sorry, weed.
And you can stop dealing nitrous oxide to your friends.
They weren't my friends.
- You'll forgive me, won't you, Matt? - You should, son.
It's only because she cares so much she said something.
Right, we're off.
Oh, can't he stay? I don't suppose he'll start school for at least a week.
If you like, you can have Josh's room.
- Stash of porn behind the radiator.
- Ellie.
I think I'd like to stay.
Not for that reason.
OK.
OK.
Thanks.
Be good.
- Bye, Matt.
- See you.
I've got unused leave, but not enough.
We'll worry about that later.
If it runs out, you can always pull a sickie.
- I'd like to do that, but I wouldn't get paid.
- Do you not enjoy your job? Well, I don't do it for the love of it.
- Welcome drinks in the bar at six.
Help yourself to a goody bag.
- Thanks.
Oi! Oi, oi! One each.
I saw that.
Tsk.
Welcome drinks in the bar at six.
Help yourself to a goody bag.
I do get to meet new people, but they all tend to be sales reps.
Still, at least I like to socialise, which is more than you can say for Pete at the minute.
It's just a pity, they're all a bit dull.
Mind you, they probably say the same about me.
Can you not pretend to be interesting? You know, they don't have to know the truth.
Oh, role play, like when couples' marriages are flagging.
Personally, I can't wait.
David, time for a quick word? I'm meeting some people, Roger.
Already running late.
- I hear you know Eddie Zubayr.
- Word does get about quickly.
Well, if you will put it about.
By your age, David, many have become complacent, they've lost their edge.
But you, you have managed to stay one step ahead of the pack, kept the youngsters at bay.
But they are snapping ever closer at your heels.
Yes.
Tenacious little bastards.
Landing Eddie Zubayr would be quite a coup for this firm.
For you too.
- Well, I've met him, but -- - Excellent.
It should make your job a lot easier.
I've told the board they can expect an announcement soon.
You won't let me down, will you? - So two hours after breaking up, you were in bed together? - Mmm.
- And two hours after that.
- Make-up sex.
The best kind.
- You should try it.
- Any kind would be a bonus.
Are you and Pete not, um? Um, he's sort of lost the urge.
That happens, some men at his age.
- I've seen no evidence of that.
- Her words, not mine.
I do try and keep him interested.
You know, gee him up.
He said he'd rather go to sleep, and I'm trying not to take it personally.
Oh God.
Hey.
Hey.
David, aren't you forgetting something? - Sorry, Pete, yeah.
Thanks for the lift.
- No, no, wait.
Wait.
You need to pay.
Oh, yes, of course.
- Of course, sorry.
- It's, er - 19 quid? - I had to wait.
Here.
Keep the change.
I'll need a receipt.
A blank one'll do.
- Is Robyn not with you? - Oh.
Hi.
Er, no, no, she's got something on.
Did you even ask her? I think I mentioned it.
In passing.
Karen, um, whilst we're on our own, I've got this for you to sign.
- It's a stat dec saying that you were driving when I was speeding.
- OK.
- And you've seen the photos? - Yes.
- You definitely can't tell it's you? It's a shocking likeness, and even better, it's from the rear-view camera.
- Angela, welcome to Manchester.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- We are delighted that you're both staying.
- Five months.
- Tops.
Ah.
Does that mean that we might be seeing more of your father? - No self-interest in that question.
- No, no.
No.
- We had dinner with him last night, actually.
- Really? Think what I'd gain.
The experience of a different culture.
- Manchester.
- There's culture here.
- It's Britain's second city.
- First.
London's full of bellends.
- Sorry, not bellends.
Um, dickheads.
No.
- Wait.
I want to be here with Adam, and he needs to be here for his son.
Children are important.
If you don't give him enough attention now, when he grows up he'll do exactly what he wants without a thought for you.
He'll do that anyway.
I dare say I could find a reason to visit.
- A business opportunity.
- Well, you could just come to see me.
Sorry.
If I can be of any help, here's my card.
I think I may have been a bit harsh on that Angela.
She's all right.
Hmm.
It was nice of Adam to treat us.
Eh? Pete do you remember when we used to play games? What like? Buckaroo? - Pictionary? - Eh? - Oh, I hated Pictionary.
No.
You know, make-believe.
The maid.
Eh? You liked her.
And do you remember the mill owner? I do.
And it felt faintly ridiculous even then.
Well, look, I'm not saying it needs to be about, you know, the sex, it's just a bit of fun.
- Hey, OK, follow that car! - What? Why? Why? I don't know.
Just to see where the driver's going.
Come on.
Home to bed, I would imagine.
Which is exactly where I'm headed.
OK.
Dad, it's not that easy to fit in.
You have to have a group.
- You know, meatheads, cool kids, Goths.
- Still? Most kids know which group they belong to.
I never have.
- I mean, I'm quite good at sport.
- My genes.
- But then I do well in exams too.
- Your mother's.
And there's no way I want to be a nerd.
- No, who would? Not even the nerds.
- Most of them aren't aware, that's what marks them out.
- Can you not be between groups? A floater? - A misfit.
No, an individual who's above such things.
It's a long time since you were at school.
When I was we didn't have groups.
We just had mates.
Like Pete.
He wasn't one of the cool kids.
- That's the group I really want to be in.
- Oh, whoa.
- Listen, you know what it takes? Confidence, that's all.
- Ohh.
Being comfortable in your own skin.
You wanna work hard and do well? Do it, be proud.
You wanna be in the first 15, play the lead in the school play, do it.
- Don't let anyone tell you you can't.
- You can't, - because rehearsals always clash with training.
- OK, but my point is, be the person you wanna be.
That's how people will see you.
You should try that in your new school.
I'm telling you, girls love that shit.
That's That's if girls are your thing? It's easy if you know who you are.
Maybe that's it.
- What? - I don't know who I am.
I'm just not comfortable being me.
Right.
Well, I'll be your point of contact 27/7 - for any questions you may have.
- As it happens, - I do have a couple of questions -- - David, I have a phone call for you.
Not now, Georgia, I'm with a client.
What Golden Goose? Um, I think that this is far too important for a quick fix.
So, I'm going to go away, and I am going to map out the best strategy for you, going forward.
- Well, my couple of queries -- - Whatever they are, I can promise you, you're gonna love the answers.
It's great to see you.
- Georgia, will you show Mr Lamb to reception? - It's Mr Kidd.
Eddie, sorry to have kept you so long.
One moment, Mr Marsden.
We have to increase our stake.
Nine percent.
Don't alert the markets.
- I'll leave it with you.
- David Marston.
Do you have a daughter, David? - Um, well, yes, I do.
Actually two.
- Mine told me I had to ring you.
Right.
Look, I'll be brief.
- I'd like to manage your investments in this country.
- It's Frankfurt.
- .
.
the most highly regarded -- - David -- - international advisors in the North West, - and I am the firm's top performer -- - David -- - specialising in tax minimisation.
- Avoidance, we don't call it that.
- Mr Marston, Mr Zubayr will be in Manchester next week - addressing a business forum dinner.
He would like to invite you and a guest.
- That's wonderful.
May I speak to Mr Zubayr to thank him? I shall pass on your appreciation.
OK, do you Do you want to shower here, or do you want just get your bag and go back to ours? I don't mind staying on a couple more days.
It's your honeymoon.
Are you sure? As long as Karen doesn't mind.
She, er She said it's fine.
- How did it go? - Yeah, good.
- I thought I was gonna struggle, but I managed to keep up, didn't I? - Yeah.
I might do a second lap.
What? Work up a sweat.
Are you up for it? Yeah.
No.
About in a month's time.
Go.
Goodbye.
Look Hah Look.
Never again.
I'm gonna be sick.
- Do you think I need a new carpet? - Well, it's seen better days.
So have I.
That's no reason for getting shot of owt.
1967, that's when we moved in here.
Hmm.
The carpet's a bit more recent.
Ooh, I've been in our house 20 years.
You must be close to paying off your mortgage then? - I should be, but I had to borrow against the house a few years ago.
- Mmm.
I never want to leave this place.
Peter, will you do something for me? Well, if it involves a happy ending, then no.
- Finish me off? - I said no.
If they try to put me into a home.
It's what they want to do, my kids.
They say it's in my best interests.
Suits them more like.
- It'll kill me.
- Well, I won't have to do it then, will I? A slow, lingering death.
Shitting in a nappy, being fed with a spoon.
Spare me that indignity, son.
- Put me out of my misery.
- I can't do that, Harry.
- Yes, you can.
- No, I can't.
- Go on, say it.
- I'm not doing it.
- Say you will.
Go on now, say it.
- No.
- Go on, say it! - No! - Say it, go on! - All right! All right.
I'll kill you, if only to shut you up.
Good lad.
- Jenny, isn't it? - Er, yeah.
Coming for a drink? - Well, I was just off home.
- Just the one.
It's on expenses.
I can't miss it.
I didn't go to the last meeting.
It's a book club, not the UN Security Council.
Robyn, please? Eddie's invited me to bring a guest, and it would look rude if I sat next to an empty chair.
Ah, so it's just my bum on a seat you want, - not my scintillating company? - That would be a bonus.
Take someone from the office, or one of your friends.
Pete.
He looks like he'd appreciate a free feed.
This is a full-time job for you? No.
I also play poker.
What, professionally? - I make a decent living.
- So why do this, then? - Well, what does a poker player need more than anything? - Four aces.
Well, yeah, good point, but no, the ability to read people.
You know, this helps me keep my hand in.
For instance, I can tell you're married.
- Well, wedding ring.
- But it's not your first marriage, - and you've recently had a baby.
- How do you know that? Registration form, please? People reveal more about themselves than they realise.
I'm having a drink with Sherlock.
All right, Dad.
- Hiya.
So how did rehearsals go? - It was all right.
Spent about 20 minutes learning a hard song, then two hours bickering over what to call the band.
- Most bands split up before they can agree.
- We're A Work In Progress.
- So what are you called, then? - That's it.
- That's It? - No.
A Work In Progress.
Oh.
Hmm - Shite, innit? - Yeah.
Actually, I quite like That's It.
It's all right.
It's a bit like Take That.
Not that we're a middle-aged former boy band of diminishing numbers, or can really sing, but it's better.
People think it's ironic.
I'm going to ask the lads now.
Er Dad? - What are you doing? - I'm just giving you a hug, son.
Let the desert wind Cool your aching head Mmm.
That was in Seattle, I think.
That's Christmas with his granddad.
- Do you think he might be gay? - Why? Something he said.
Or rather he didn't say.
Look, I don't care, but I want him to feel like he can tell me.
We used to share everything.
Not any more.
Ant without Dec.
It doesn't bear thinking about.
You'll get there.
Let the weight of the world Drift away instead Thanks for filling in at such short notice.
How's Robyn? Is she feeling any better? Still in bed.
She'll be fine tomorrow.
Just a touch of gastro.
- I should call.
- No, no, no, she'll be sleeping.
- She isn't ill.
She doesn't know I invited you.
- What? - She didn't want to come.
I had to invite someone.
- That's flattering.
It was meant to be.
- You're my first choice.
- Madam? - No, not for me, thank you.
So, David, keeping secrets from your wife.
If you will.
Please? Karen's problem is she won't put herself out there, and it's not like she's gonna meet anyone through work.
There are very few men in publishing, well, that aren't gay.
- She seems happy being on her own.
- Wait till the girls leave home.
She'll be on the wrong side of 50 then.
Oh, the dark side of the moon.
No, she needs to get herself in the game now while she still stands any chance of success whatsoever.
- I don't think she really wants to.
- I know she doesn't.
That's why she needs her friends.
Ooh, hello.
End of the bar.
Old picnic shirt.
He's all right, isn't he? Hello.
- I can't just drop everything.
I'm working.
- Oh, I know.
- I need a cab right now.
- Why, where are you going? Nowhere.
They're just driving me mad.
I'm paying you to come and drink.
- Do I get extra to let you patronise me as well? - That could be included.
Are you having a bad day? Look, I've got a fare.
I've got to go.
Pete? Just a touch of gastro.
When Karen heard there was a spare ticket Do you have a particular interest in bilateral trade? More so since your talk.
Excuse me, a quick photo.
A bit closer together Thank you.
- David, how much do you know about football? - I'm more of a rugger man.
I'm thinking of investing in a team.
Have you been to Old Trafford? - You want to buy Manchester United? - No, even if my pockets were deep enough.
No, I thought a smaller club, - once that I could take places.
- A Bournemouth, say.
- Exactly.
Before they became Bournemouth.
Yes, very good.
Yes, I could scout around for prospects.
Actually, my company has a box at Old Trafford, if you'd like to come to a game? - Perhaps Karen can join us -- since she knows her football? - No, no, - it's really not -- - She'd love to.
Absolutely.
- Mr Zubayr? - Single? - Er, yeah.
- Straight? - What is this? - How old are you? - 42.
- 51.
- Hmm.
Solvent? - I'm a company director, actually.
But still sitting on a bar stool on your own, aren't you, love? OK, now, what do you think of her? - Very nice.
- Isn't she.
OK, so No, glasses off.
Better.
Smile.
Gorgeous.
What's Jen doing? - Asking that guy for his number.
- What? You will come to Old Trafford, won't you? - I think Eddie likes you.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Oh, my God.
Oh! - Is that your married man? - How did you guess? Oh.
- David? - You know you were saying how you wanted to find something special to do with Matt? - Sort of father-son bonding thing? - I don't remember saying that bit.
Well, how about watching the next Manchester United home game - from the comfort of a corporate box? - Are you wise? - Great.
- Yeah.
I thought I might get a stretch limo.
Too much? Yeah, you're probably right.
We are gonna have such fun.
And you remember the songs, eh? Uh? We love United, we do! We loved United, we do! We love United, we do! Oh, United, we love you! 20 times, 20 times Man United Ah! I hate tunnels.
You never told me about your dinner the other night.
- The business forum? - Hmm.
- Yeah, I did.
No, you said I'd dodged a bullet.
You didn't say whether Pete enjoyed it.
I think he enjoyed the dessert.
- Hey! I was just about to reach the next level.
- I just had Debbie Paignton on the phone.
Suggested I might like to have a look at the forum's website.
Would you care to explain this? You lying shit, David.
Pete wasn't there.
- You took your ex-wife.
- I can explain.
- Who people might be forgiven for thinking you were still married to.
- Why would they think that? "Eddie Zubayr with David and Karen Marsden.
" She could be my sister.
Agh! Robyn! How do you think it makes me look? Like I'm the ex-wife! Which right now is quite a tempting proposition.
- Karen asked if she could come.
- What? Yeah, I was quite surprised too, but she's got the hots for Eddie, and I think it's mutual.
He insisted I invite her to Old Trafford this weekend, the corporate box.
You must come too.
Ah, Pete, you should have seen Matthew's face, - a corporate box, he was that made up.
- I'm absolutely delighted for you.
You could at least pretend to be.
Why? You've got everything, haven't you? A hot new wife, money to throw around.
Life comes easy to you, doesn't it, while some of us, some of us have to graft, and even then can't afford to take our sons to Old Trafford.
That's where you're wrong, Grumpy, cos David's invited you and Adam.
He said bring whoever you want, the more the merrier.
- They'll probably lose.
- Oh, you need a pint.
Come on.
Agh! Jesus.
- Are you trying to kill me? - I'm so sorry, Harry.
- What are you doing out? - I'm absconding, making a getaway.
Unless you swap seats, you're not gonna get very far, mate.
- Oh, this is my mate Adam.
- Oh.
Hello.
- Hiya.
- We're just going down the pub.
- Do you wanna come? Oh, I'd love to, but I'm supposed to wait here.
Go on, then.
Go on, United fans together, eh? - I'm not dead yet, you know? - Sorry.
- Despite your pal's best efforts.
- Dad, what's going on? - Oh, sorry, it's our fault, we put him up to it.
- And you are? - This is my carer, Pete.
And his friend Adam.
And we're going for a pint.
- We're due there in ten minutes.
- I told you, I'm not interested.
- Is this a care home? - There's no harm in looking.
Enjoy your drinks.
- Can you believe it? - What a gobshite.
- I know.
Football's not really my thing, but corporate hospitality is.
- Is this David's firm? - Mmm.
- He's invited me.
- David has? - Mmm.
- Are you two, er? - No.
There's this businessman who's got the hots for Mum.
- She's meant to flirt with him.
- Dad's basically pimping her.
- Ellie.
It isn't my dad, is it? Oh, my God, you don't fancy him? - No offence, but -- - She's racist.
- I'm not racist.
He's a businessman, not my type.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
OK, well, maybe this bloke is.
Wait.
OK, he was in the bar the other night, and we got talking.
Well, I went up to him.
Anyway, he's dead keen to meet you, Karen.
Um, admittedly, a police mugshot would be more flattering.
The light was crap.
But you'd do him, wouldn't you? - No.
OK, he had all his own teeth.
- Oh, right.
And I'm meant to ring him and say what exactly? "Hello.
I hear you have all your own teeth"? - Er, I wouldn't open with that.
- I'm not gonna open with anything.
Honestly, Jen, I know you meant well, but really? - It's as much my fault.
- Yeah.
- What is it with couples? Why do you think no-one can be happy unless you're part of the club? Sorry.
I'm just trying to help.
I'm just not interesting in meeting anyone.
I'd have done him.
- "See, the thing is, it turns out the corporate box is full.
" - David, you said there'd be plenty of room.
- "The more the merrier.
" - Yes, well, ordinarily there is, but The chairman got wind that Eddie's coming and wants to come too, along with half the board, - so now I've only got three guests.
- OK.
Me, Matthew and Ang.
- No, Eddie, Karen and Robyn.
- But I've already promised Matthew.
- He's been so looking forward to it.
- Adam, I'm so sorry.
Now, I'll tell you what.
Georgia? My PA will get some off the internet.
It's my treat.
How many do you want? - Six.
- Six? - 'Uh-huh.
' - Ah, no, it's fine.
- Thank you.
Yeah, it's fine.
Are you all right? I can't decide what to wear tomorrow.
1968, first European Cup.
1978, our centenary, or '99, the treble.
Right.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Matthew Williams.
Come up, get up here.
Come on, son.
- There you are, son, there.
- Photo.
Let me take a photo.
Say "cheese".
- Cheese.
- United.
- Well, put it on.
- No.
- Oh, yeah, go on.
- Come on, here.
- Go on, get it on.
Ow! - Ah.
- Give it a twirl.
Ah, come here to me.
- Are you sure you're gonna be warm enough? - Stop mithering.
It's very good of you to take him out.
(Er, Adam.
) Well, go on, then.
It's not an early kick-off, is it? Get the door, Adam.
That's you.
I'm sorry you're not in the box.
It's better in the stands anyway, you know? - The purer, like.
- Hang on, hang on.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Come on.
- Agh! Do you wanna try this? Try that.
- What? - Hold on, hold on.
One more.
- Uh? - No, yours is the same.
- What's going on? Huh? - This is no good.
- What? - No, these cost a fortune, pal.
- Sorry, lads, you've been had.
- What? - Hey? Right team, wrong season.
They're for last year's game.
David! Karen, lovely to see you.
Say hello to Eddie.
He's been asking after you.
I've come here to do you a favour, not to be set up.
- Eddie, hi.
How are you? - Very well.
How are you? - Good.
- Thank you for coming.
Oh, hello.
I didn't see your name on the list.
No, I was passing.
I thought I'd pop in for a free coffee.
Oh.
There you go.
- Played any poker lately? - Eh? Oh, yeah, about that.
I have a confession.
I made it up.
This is me.
Sorry.
Rubbish.
Just trying to make myself interesting.
Well, that does make you interesting.
I'm not really a sales rep.
I'm an undercover cop.
Well, that's what I tell myself when I check in, that it's all part of an investigation.
So, are you working undercover today? Cos I might be free later -- if you want backup? - How old are you, son? - 15.
- 18, you say? - No.
15.
I thought you said 18.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Hey, get us another one, will you, lad? - What, already? - Aye.
- You don't have to worry about Matt having a good time.
- What? Oh God! Do sit down.
Thanks.
I've got a ready sauna.
"Jose Mourinho had to check on the fitness of both Wayne Rooney and Zlatan Ibrahimovic" ".
.
he didn't like the judge.
.
.
he didn't like the decision.
" You're a wanker, referee! - "And here's Harry Kane in the clear.
Kane" - Offside! If we funnel any investments through an entity incorporated in the Dominican Republic, we can reduce the effective tax rate to zero.
".
.
very much in the balance" Dad, can I tell you something you might not like to hear? Is it that you're gay? If it is that, that's fine.
I don't have a problem with that.
Your granddad's gay, or he's bisexual.
He's with a woman right now, but that could go either way.
I mean, the point is, I'm cool with that.
Is that what you were gonna say? - I find football a bit boring.
- What? Look You just have to go to a few games.
- No, I don't want to.
- No, son, I thought that was gonna be our thing.
You know, Saturday afternoon at Old Trafford, fish supper on the way home then we can watch a replay of the match.
Or, like, a family film like we used to.
- I think the last time we did that, we watched Finding Nemo.
- Yeah.
No, I mean I was, like, ten.
- You still like films, don't you? - Dad, it's not like it was.
I've grown up.
- You're 15, son.
- Yes, I'm not a kid any more.
I'm really pleased you're staying.
["The referee didn't hesitate.
".]
I want to live with you and Angela, but I won't want to spend all my time with you.
You do understand that, Dad, don't you? ".
.
drew the foul, stonewall penalty.
" - Well - ".
.
this could be the match here!" "It could be the whole title race, and it's Wayne Rooney" You don't like football, eh? I think I'd prefer it if you came out.
Well, there's still time.
- "Rooney with the penalty.
Two-nil!" - I think you've scored.
What? "Just into the top corner.
Lloris didn't have a prayer.
" "It's a great night to be a Manchester United fan.
Look at" Tell me, Eddie, why do you wanna own your own club? I own a canning factory.
That doesn't mean I like sardines.
- For the prestige, I suppose.
- Which no amount of tinned fish could give you.
You're not like most women I meet.
They don't make me feel like I have to do the running.
I like that about you.
Eh? That put a smile back on your face, eh? - Didn't it, big man, eh? - Oh, give over, will ya.
Harry? Oh, Jesus! Jesus, Adam, call an ambulance.
- I'm so sorry, Harry.
- It's all right, mate.
Takes me back to the old days, when we used to play Millwall.
- David, I'm going to slip away.
- Yes, of course.
Does Eddie know? - David, no.
I hope my being here helped.
- It did.
- I think he's on the verge of giving us some business.
- Well, I'm very pleased for you.
Don't let them on the internet all night, and I should be back by ten.
Well, 10:30, tops.
OK.
Hey.
- Vodka and tonic.
- Oh.
Should we be drinking on duty? We're undercover.
Different rules.
So here's the deal.
See the guys on the next table? Big-time drug dealers.
There's five ks of coke in that briefcase.
Oh, it's exciting.
- We're not to let them out of our sight.
- OK.
OK, they're leaving, they're leaving.
Playboys on the move.
Repeat, on the move.
Oh, right.
- I hope Harry's going to be all right.
- God, yeah.
And poor Pete.
He took it hard.
Yeah, you're not seeing him at his best.
- You mean he's not always Eeyore? - Well, he's never Tigger, but, I mean, lately he's been so bloody miserable.
He's always down, and - That's it.
- What? He's depressed.
You move like a bird With a wounded wing Wounded nerves (Come on.
) (Oh.
What are we gonna do?) - What are you doing? - Well, I didn't want to blow our cover.
Whoa.
Hey, no, stop it.
Oh.
You've spoilt it now.
There's someone here to see you.
- Eddie.
- I hope you don't mind me calling unannounced.
How did you get Oh.
David.
You fled Old Trafford before I had a chance to invite you out for dinner.
I thought that might be your intention, so I thought, how might you persuade her? A private jet? Reservations at Le Marais in Paris? No.
This woman is not so easily impressed.
- Well - She'd be just as happy with a takeaway.
That's what makes her so beguiling.
Did you know Manchester has the best baltis this side of Birmingham? I wonder then what you might say to a very hot Indian? Matt, Ellie, supper.
Ellie, are you in there? Yep.
- Ellie, have you seen Matt? - Mum, don't come in.
(Jesus.
) Ah, shit.
- Oh.
- Jen.
Hey.
Come here, come here.
It's OK.
It's gonna be OK.
Promise.
I'm freefalling Cos I'm free And I'm freefalling Freefalling Yes, I'm free Freefalling