Comic Book Men s06e02 Episode Script

1 [upbeat music.]
Let's say you were to come back as a ghost and haunt the Stash.
Who would you haunt and how would you haunt them? I'm definitely haunting you.
That would be so easy.
I know you have, like, everything in its place.
I would just start moving it all around into wacky places and then I would watch you just get frustrated and I'd laugh.
That would be my existence after death.
I'd be terrified to take a nap at the Stash 'cause I think you'd go all "suscubus" on me.
Well.
- Right? - You're catching a couple Zs.
Next thing you know it, he's "haunting" you.
[laughter.]
What about you? What's your grand plans for haunting the Stash? I'd definitely go old school on you guys.
You know, I'd go with the chains, lot of moaning.
So kind of like when you go to lunch and leave these two alone.
[laughter.]
[heroic music.]
[laughs.]
[upbeat music.]
Hello, welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men," the only show that looks at the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and sees an endless supply of s'mores.
- I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
Ming Chen.
Okay, Walt, talk to me.
I always love it when a customer comes in who challenges my knowledge of a character and that's what we had with a certain customer last week.
Hey, how you doing? How you doing? Hi, uh, can I get a closer look at the Martian Manhunter bust? Absolutely, you want to go grab the bust? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
So you a big fan of J'onn J'onzz, huh? I love J'onn J'onzz.
I got into him when I was, like, 15.
He's one of my absolute favorites as - Uh-huh.
- Oh, my God.
I love it so much.
Very regal-looking.
I love him.
And what's he do? What's his job? He can change his molecular structure.
He can be anybody at any time.
Why do you think if he can do anything, why doesn't he give himself some hair? [laughs.]
So wait, he can change the way his face looks, too? Yeah, yeah.
All right, now I wish I was Martian Manhunter.
[laughter.]
You ever think we'll see a Martian Manhunter movie? God, I hope so.
He's really inspiring 'cause he's a genuinely amazing, like, soul and he tries to help everyone.
I mean, I think you're laying it on a little thick here.
I mean, he's really just a skinny Hulk with a pair of red suspenders.
No, no, he's much more than that.
So you think he's an under-rated comic book character.
You disagree.
I don't think he's that well-designed, you know, from an artistic's point of view.
Yeah, he does take a more humanoid form while he's on there but he does choose to keep the green skin color to set himself apart from everyone else.
He chooses to be a minority on Earth.
How come you don't think Martian Manhunter J'onn J'onzz more popular outside of the comics and the animation? I just don't think he has an iconic look.
He's got that big brow and the straps, the red straps.
Yeah.
But in the Justice League you're standing amongst great outfits.
Batman, great outfit.
Superman, great outfit.
Hawkman, another great outfit.
I mean, he just needs [laughs.]
Martian Manhunter's like, "I get it.
I suck.
" [laughter.]
So the Martian Manhunter bust is $65.
$65? Could you part with him for $40? Mm, I don't think I could go that low.
It's out of production at this point.
I could do $60.
Do you think you could do $50? $50? You know, for the most knowledgeable Martian Manhunter fan I've ever come across, I think I could do 50 bucks.
[clapping.]
Thank you so much.
There you go.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Oh, wondered where you are.
You're out giving blood again, huh? Yeah, every eight weeks.
I go like clockwork.
Look at that bandage, man.
What? Are you a hemophiliac? [laughter.]
No, this is how they always do it.
They always wrap it, you know, a couple times just to make sure.
I couldn't do it, man.
The whole concept of giving blood reminds me of, like, you know, like Dracula.
You know, vampires, you know, just sucking my life essence out of me.
I mean, I need to keep all the blood that I got.
- I need every - You should be drinking blood right now.
[laughter.]
I don't know, man.
There's just something about some professional sticking a needle in my arm Right.
Extracting my fluids, my life essence, basically It's a violation is what it is.
That blood is yours.
You know, God put just the amount of right blood in us.
Why should we be giving it away? We don't know.
- I notice you - If we get into Heaven and we don't know if we don't have enough blood in - our bodies we get in? - The thing is, you only get religious when the blood drive's going on.
you're like, "Think about what God wants.
" [laughter.]
I mean, you guys should all be giving blood, man.
The blood bank, you know, their supply's at a all-time low.
Actually, I told them that I would talk to you about maybe doing a blood drive here.
I mean, I got no problems doing whatever the Stash can to help with the blood drive.
I think it's a great cause, I think it's I think it's noble.
All right, really, we could do it here.
They have this huge bloodmobile.
Get them to pull it up here, we can make it a whole event.
I mean, they're really going all out.
They've even got celebrity guests.
- Really, who? - Elvira.
- The Mistress of the Dark? - Yeah.
No way, man, we're talking I mean, the Mistress of the Dark.
You got to be a huge fan of Elvira, right? Yeah, she's iconic.
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, man, has been Elvira, Mistress of the Dark since I was Kevin in the fifth grade, man.
- [laughter.]
- And still one of the most recognizable figures on the pop culture landscape.
Not only does she host the programs that she has over the years, she was the star of her own movie, she put herself into the story of American pop culture and has remained there for decades.
I love the idea of making it a big event at the Stash, you know.
We'll have a promotion.
If you give blood, you get 20% off anything you buy at the Stash that day.
You know, come meet Elvira, and then we could dress up as our favorite blood-sucking character.
The streets of Red Bank will be flowing in blood.
[laughter.]
It will give the name "Red Bank" a whole new meaning, right? - Ooh.
- Ooh, nice.
It's me, that gal with the looks who loves comic books.
- Hello, how are you? - Whoo hoo! Now this is a Tom Servo replica prop.
That's amazing.
[upbeat music.]
How's it looking out there? Hey, looks like we're looking great.
Bloodmobile's out front.
Looks like we're ready to collect some blood.
- Nice, nice.
- [organ music.]
Come on, how fun is this? - Oh, my God.
- [laughter.]
- What? - Whoa.
Talk about going all out.
- What the hell? - [laughter.]
You don't recognize Carrie? I don't look exactly like her? [laughter.]
Yeah, I don't remember her looking like that, though.
Oh, man, fat Carrie.
[laughter.]
So it's the day of the blood drive.
We've decorated the store.
We're all in our costumes.
We're just waiting for Elvira to arrive to kick off the uh, the bloodletting.
I got to tell you, man, you did good.
- You like it? Th - Yeah.
- More spiders, maybe.
- Yeah, maybe.
More spiders can't hurt.
- Hey, hey, she's here.
- Hey, guys.
It's me, that gal with the looks who loves comic books.
- Hello, how are you? - Whoo-hoo! I'm good, how are you? - Thank you so much for coming down.
- Wow.
- Hello.
- Nice joint you got here.
I love this.
Thank you.
Welcome to the Stash.
This is really, really a great thing you're doing with the blood.
Talking about blood, I'm getting thirsty.
Oh! [laughter.]
She may very well be a vampire.
She doesn't look like she's aged at all.
Preserved, is she? I mean, just she looks unchanged.
She looks exactly the same as she did in the '90s as she does now.
She is every horror fan's fantasy come to life.
I mean, Lily Munster's got nothing on her.
You guys look fantastic.
What the hell are you? The Fly? A mosquito.
A mosquito.
A mosquito? Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, okay, bloodsucker.
Mosquito makes much more sense.
Yeah, maybe I took a little more literal, but when you think bloodsuckers, I-I always think, uh, you know, mosquitoes, a swarm, maybe.
Okay.
So you're all gonna be donating blood today, correct? All of us except for maybe one of us is, uh, is not gonna donate.
I'm gonna be donating something more valuable.
I'm giving anybody who gives blood today a discount on anything they buy at the Stash today.
Wow.
You're just a wuss is what you're saying.
I-I eh.
It's what everyone else is saying.
- You may as well say it too.
- [laughter.]
Well, I'm pretty impressed.
A lot of people focus on her attractiveness, but, uh, her personality and her snarkiness definitely came out.
She was busting balls with the rest of us and, uh I caught you a couple times staring at her snarkiness.
[laughter.]
You seemed very impressed.
[laughter.]
Sure is a lot of snark, Elvira.
[laughter.]
- both: Right this way.
- Whoo! I think it's a fitting throne for the Mistress of the Dark.
This is nice, boys.
Sure know how to treat a gal.
While we're waiting for the blood drive to begin, would you mind if I asked you a question? No, go ahead.
Fire.
Forgive me if it's stupid, though.
- Something - I'm expecting that.
[laughter.]
Something just doesn't jive right.
I mean, I thought you were a vampire, but you got no fangs, and you're out walking around in the daytime.
I do maybe look a little bit like a vampire but it was actually my mother was a famous sorceress.
My dad was a film critic, so I'm really not a vampire, although a lot of people do mistake me for one.
But unlike vampires like you, I give blood because I'm not a big wuss.
[laughter.]
You must have seen countless horror movies.
Countless.
So what are, say, your top three favorites? Since we're on, like, kind of a bloody theme today, - "Silent Night, Bloody Night" - Ooh.
That was the first first film I ever hosted.
"Blood Feast," uh - Old school.
- Yeah.
And, speaking of the best blood scenes, I got to go with my man Bryan there.
I mean, "Carrie," talk about buckets of blood.
I mean, that was literally buckets of blood.
You know this is pig blood, right? - [laughter.]
- I want it to be authentic.
- [laughter.]
- Oh, really? It really is? I was wondering what the smell was.
So you're not just a TV and horror icon.
You're also a comic book icon.
How did that come about? I've been involved in the comic world for a long, long time.
The very first one I had was for my movie, "Elvira: Mistress of the Dark," by Marvel.
I mean, I remember going to my first Comic-Con ever in San Diego and it was the basement of some horrible hotel or motel or something and being, like, the only girl there.
Just 100,000 geeky guys wandering around.
I want to thank you for signing my comic book that day.
[laughter.]
No problem.
Well, it's been amazing, you know, to have you here to ourselves for a little bit, but it's time to open the doors and let the blood start flowing.
- Yeah, let's go.
- Let's go, man.
- Let's go.
- After you.
Big "Mystery Science Theater" fan? I am.
I'm quite the MiSTie.
I'm only $400.
[laughter.]
- You donated blood, I see? - I did.
Fantastic.
Some of us are men around here.
I can't hear what you're saying, Elvira.
I can't hear a thing.
You're obviously dressed up for the big day here.
What the hell are you supposed to be? I'm Cassidy from "Preacher.
" The Irish vampire? Okay, I thought you just got up and put on your jeans and came on down here.
- [laughter.]
- Usually his regular wardrobe doesn't look this cool, so he doesn't - [laughter.]
- he never rolls out like this.
And you obviously we know who you are.
Yeah, you look awesome.
Hope you're practicing safe sucks.
[laughter.]
And you.
One of my all-time favorite-favorite movies.
I'd know you anywhere except for the facial hair.
[laughter.]
Dead ringer for Sissy Spacek, right? Dead ringer.
A few extra pounds, maybe, but [laughter.]
As if Carrie didn't have enough going against her.
[laughter.]
[upbeat music.]
- Hey, how are you? - Hey, doing good.
Wondering if I could take a look at that Tom Servo - in the case over there.
- Absolutely, Mike, - would you show her, please? - Sure.
Big "Mystery Science Theater" fan? I am, I'm quite the MiSTie.
Ah, well, you're in a "Mystery Science Theater 3000" safe zone.
Oh! We love that television show, right? Where are the danger zones for "Mystery Science Theater"? Where can't the MiSTies go? [laughter.]
- Oh.
- And here you go.
- Oh, that's amazing.
- Huh? Now this is a screen-accurate Tom Servo replica prop.
Oh, that's amazing.
Now this is a gorgeous piece, right Mike? Oh, my God, look at this.
Quality hover skirt.
All of this is tight, especially the springs on the mannequin hands.
Mouth moves.
"Look, I'm Tom Servo.
" That's so cool.
Yeah, you're pretty young for a "Mystery Science Theater" fan.
Where did you discover it? When I was little, like, eight eight or nine or so, and it was on TV.
I think it was actually "Cave Dwellers" was, like, my first episode that I saw, and I was like, "Whoa, they're making fun of a movie?" I'd never seen that before.
Yeah, that is an art form.
They are doing that right off the cuff.
It's a well-oiled machine, and everybody likes to think, "Oh, well, I-I could do that too.
" I know you're one of those guys.
Y-you you annoy me so much if you try to do it when we go to movies and it pisses me off.
You're not funny, you don't have a sense of humor at all, I wish you'd stop trying to riff on on movies like the "Mystery Science Theater" guys.
I disagree.
I think I'm funny.
- [laughter.]
- I think I can do it.
You know, some of them are yelling at me.
Mainly you and him.
[laughter.]
"Mystery Science Theater," everybody must know what it is at this point.
Maybe younger kids don't, man, but the premise of the show was like, this dude Joel was trapped on the "Satellite of Love" by two mad scientists and that he was forced to watch these terrible movies, so in an effort to not go crazy, he built robot friends and they would do what they called riffing on the movie.
The same things everybody does with their friends, probably.
I love the show.
I mean, I've always, uh, been drawn to bad movies.
- And robots.
- And robots.
I mean, it's an irresistible combination for me.
The way I always heard the story was Joel Hodgson who created the show came out to L.
A.
and they gave him a sitcom deal to do a sitcom with Michael J.
Fox and so as they were developing it, he was just like, "I'm sorry, this is simply not funny," and left the business and went back to Minnesota and that's where he created "Mystery Science Theater," and that put him on the map in a big, bad way.
Smart guys, too.
I mean, there's endless bad movies.
Yeah, I mean, they're gonna there's gonna be another season, thankfully.
Yes, that's right.
There's going to be a new host.
What do you think about that? Yeah, Jonah Ray.
I I think he can do it.
I I actually got to see him live.
Like, actually riff.
I can't believe they tapped Jonah Ray and not you.
[laughter.]
I-I-I know, I'm still waiting for my phone call.
Show her some of your skills on riffing.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Go for it.
Do the scene where, like, Luke Skywalker is training with the helmet on.
Look at him.
Look it this is awful.
No wonder he wears that mask.
He's so ugly.
Awful.
[laughter.]
Yeah, I think my riffing skills are pretty good.
I think, yeah, I you know I I'm, you know, I'm not a professional.
[laughter.]
Listen to that riffing right there.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know.
" [laughter.]
All right, so the Tom Servo piece.
I mean, it's beautiful.
It's got the string, you can make the mouth move, right? - I'm only $400.
- [laughter.]
Does that sound like Servo? - It's pretty close.
- [laughter.]
- I'd say yes.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I really wasn't looking to spend that much today.
Would you be able to maybe do $250? Oh.
$250.
I couldn't go that low.
I could knock a couple bucks off, though.
How about, um, $350? $350? Could you do $300? I know you I can tell you love it and we can smell our own.
Um, I'll let it go for $300.
Thank you.
Pleasure.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy it.
I will.
Thank you guys.
There she goes, another satisfied customer.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
- Wow.
- What was that about? Was that was that was that your riffing? - That was my riffing, yeah.
- That was a riff? That come on, bro, you got to up your game.
Yeah, up it like how? Like, say something funny.
[laughter.]
How'd you like a present from Elvira? Something just for you 'cause I know what you like.
You do? Come on over.
Register this way.
Hi, how are you? - How are you? - Gave you the discount.
Thank you.
Thanks for donating.
You come back when you're all grown up and give blood, okay? All right.
You did a wonderful thing today.
Thank you.
Sit right here.
Pretend like you like me.
All right.
Right this way, guys.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks for donating.
- Next.
- Yeah, come on over here.
Hi, how are you? Both blood and cash are flowing.
Ooh, sounds like a rap song.
[laughter.]
That's amazing.
We got people going into the bloodmobile, coming out of the bloodmobile right into the Stash, meeting Elvira, buying merchandise.
It was a great day.
Did you wonder at any point, though, like, people give blood, they're a little bit lightheaded, they're a little bit woozy, and then they just wander into the Stash and start spending money and maybe they're not sure what they're doing? [laughter.]
Caveat emptor.
[laughter.]
Hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Did you guys both donate blood? Oh no, I'm here for moral support.
Well, I'll just sign half of your comic book then.
You should go hang out with Walt over there.
[laughter.]
Thanks for coming down, you guys.
Thank you.
It was nice to meet you.
Bye.
Hey.
Thanks thanks for donating.
Right this way.
Elvira in the Secret Stash.
This is exciting.
Whoa, you donated blood, I see? - I did.
- Fantastic.
Looks like everybody's pretty much giving blood.
Oh, you know, I can't hear what you're saying, Elvira.
- Except some people.
- I can't hear a thing.
Huh, what was that? Some of us are men around here.
Some of us aren't.
Anyway, Bye.
I don't appreciate the blood-shaming that's going on here today, Elvira.
[laughs.]
Thank you.
Thank you for giving.
- Right this way.
- Hey, how are you? You're not even acknowledging the courage it takes to give a discount.
Ha! Thanks, Chad.
Great to meet you.
- Yeah, you're a hero all right.
- Bye.
Throughout the day I was doing my best to to get him to give blood.
I thought I would get him to crack.
Elvira was doing her best.
We were putting the the blood pressure on you.
Ah, nice.
You know I'm immune to that.
Blood or peer pressure doesn't work on me.
[laughter.]
They tell you in high school, "Kids, look out for the peer pressure," but they never tell you about that deadly blood pressure.
- [laughter.]
- Not in high school.
Wow, man, I saw smoke coming out of that register.
Looks like you were doing pretty darn good there, Walt.
We were.
A lot of plasma was moved today.
Yeah, fantastic.
Except maybe, uh, yours, huh? No, not mine.
But still.
- Yeah, I know.
I noticed.
- Still a great day.
Well, how did it go? Gave.
These are what real men look like.
Look.
Wow, congratulations you guys.
You can't shame me, Elvira.
You can't.
- I can't? - Nope.
Well, if I can't shame you, how about I give you a little incentive? Incentive? How'd you like a really special present from Elvira? Something else just for you 'cause I know what you like.
You do? Yeah, just a second.
I can give more blood.
- [laughter.]
- Yeah, seriously.
My brand-new coffin table book.
Oh, man.
If you give blood, it's yours.
Really? Uh-huh.
It's hot off the press.
Would you sign it? I will sign it, I'll sit on it.
Whatever you want me to do.
Sign it in blood? Good idea.
Absolutely.
All right.
Everyone else just got a sticker.
[laughter.]
That seems not right to me.
- Deal.
- Okay! - We're doing it.
- All right.
Awesome.
I know what Walt likes.
- Free stuff.
- Yeah.
Yeah, free stuff.
You you guys should have held out for more.
Oh, maybe I shouldn't give it to him.
Maybe I should just give him a 20% discount.
[laughter.]
Boom.
All right, let's go.
Let's go, big boy.
It's not gonna hurt, right? No, no, no, doesn't hurt.
It's fun.
You're gonna love it.
- Fun? - You did it? Dracula himself gave up blood? Right there.
Stuck it in, I gave what I had to give.
It feels good.
It sounds like they stuck it in here, but it sounds like she stuck it in the heart, man, 'cause she got you to give up the blood in the first place.
Actually, no, it would be more my backside where my wallet is 'cause I'm gonna flip that book that she gave me.
- Smart, man.
Smart.
- [laughter.]
You're like, "The way to a man's heart is through his wallet in his back pocket.
" [laughter.]
That's all the time we got for this week, man.
For "Comic Book Men," I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
And like they say on Krypton, kids, blood bonds us all.
Good night.