Cougar Town s06e02 Episode Script

Word.
Now that Chick is all moved in, Jules fusses over his health so much that I can wear whatever I want and she won't even notice.
Oh, wow.
What are you doing? I am not cold.
Yeah, because I gave you a blanket.
I wasn't cold before the blanket.
If anything, I'm hot.
Dad! Why didn't you tell me you were hot? Your forehead's warm! Does it feel anything like this? Holy crap! We're both sick.
We need fluids.
Hey, babe.
How about a kiss? Move it, dude-- emergency.
I need fluids.
Dope.
Fresh! _ He is literally counting the minutes until Bobby gets back.
Every minute brings him one minute closer.
Please, may I please kill him? - No, sweetie.
- Hey, guys.
Trav and I did it! Obviously.
You're pregnant.
No, we came up with our perfect baby names! One for if it's a boy, and one if it's a girl.
You did?! Okay, tell me, tell me, tell me! I'm good.
We actually want to keep the name a surprise until the baby's born.
- Oh - Pbht! I know I'm not due for a couple weeks, but it was a big deal for me to have the name ready.
You know, I wasn't officially named until I was like 3 years old.
Before that, it was just a series of nicknames-- Squirmy, Screamy, Tinkles, Door Stop, Dump Truck, Stupid, Mama's Little Oopsie, Lizard Lips, and then I know 15 other ones, and then, finally, Laurie.
So, I have long vowed that no baby is gonna come out of my lady-hole without a proper name.
You know, when Travis was a baby, he had a nickname.
It was Hungry Pup.
He could not get enough of my boobs.
Perfect.
Grandpa, how are you? The way that boy would cling to your milkers, I never saw anything like it.
And I owned a farm.
Aww.
That's cute.
Ohh-ho-ho, he's another minute closer! I said "No.
" Ooh, a brand-new camera for a perfect shot of the moment I reunite with Bobby.
I am counting on you-- Oh! It's time! - Ow! - Ohh! Oh, man.
It's good to be back.
I love playing golf, but I don't love going halfway around the world to play it.
We're talking about Georgia, right? The state right next to this one? It was like a different planet! I mean, they speak English, but it doesn't sound like our English.
I mean, some people have a hard time even understanding me.
Can you believe that? Frazzle-de-der.
I do find that surprising.
I have planned the biggest, most super-funnest funnest day ever.
Try to imagine all your most favorite things in the whole wide world all rolled together in the most perfect day.
Oh, it's glorious.
The beer's stacked so high, it almost reaches the pizza! Ooh, and look-- it's Mr.
T! That's a strange little fantasy.
Man, I'm just excited to hang out with my best pal.
There's nothing strange about that.
Are you two holding hands? It's more of an extended handshake.
Whoa, grandpa.
Do you, uh Yes, I realize that I'm wearing an exact replica Civil War uniform in the living room of your mother's home in the year 2015.
That answer your question? All good, thanks.
Are you doing a Civil War re-enactment? I've always wanted to do that.
You got to let me come.
Well, I don't know, String Bean.
This is a tough group.
And as the new guy, you would be subject to hazing, criticism, even personal insults.
- Oh, then Tom's your man.
Yeah.
- I think he's good.
Hey, dad.
What's with the World War II outfit? Oh, God.
Did we have horrible public schools.
June-bug, I'm just visiting some friends - to re-enact a giant battle.
- So, wait.
You expect me to be fine with you playing war in this heat? Sorry, dad.
You're not going.
Well, actually, I am.
Jules and Chick showdown.
Strap in.
And if I may dust off one of your old classics-- my house, my rules.
Ow.
I'm gonna go take a nap.
I hate treating my dad like that, but he needs to know who's boss.
I mean, he's tough.
But I'm tougher.
Oh! A penny can! Triple hit! You know what that means.
- triple sip! - triple sip! - triple sip! Triple sip! Ha! Man, this is the greatest day ever! We're just getting started! I haven't even shown you the-- Whoo! Trampoline! Man, awesome! Yeah! But not as awesome as a-- Ninja fight! Aah! Whoo! Man! That was so cool! See, this is why I could never leave Gulf Haven No matter how much that club offers.
What? Yeah, that club down in Georgia offered me a swanky job as a golf pro.
I'm gonna go get some beers.
Guys, seriously, I can't get down! It's hard having two perfect baby names and knowing that we only get to use one.
Spontaneous pregnant pee! Clear a path! Clear a path! Hang in there, babe! Just remember, it will all be worth it when we give our perfect baby the perfect-- Her names are beyond horrible and will destroy our child's life.
- Help.
- Oh, please.
Hers can't be that bad.
"Fancy.
" Laurie's perfect name for a girl is Fancy.
I said that hers couldn't be that bad.
I was wrong.
Fancy? Please, please, dear God.
Let the middle name be "Pants.
" Fancy Pants Cobb.
Her names are beyond awful, but Laurie's stubborn.
I have to convince her without her realizing it.
So, you need a master of manipulation.
You've come to the right place, my friend.
But tell me what her boy name is.
It can't be worse.
Tell me.
Macho.
Okay? The boy name is Macho.
You're not laughing? Oh, I will eventually.
I'm just so happy right now, I feel a little emotional.
When the bugle sounds again, it will be the year 1863.
Let the re-enactment begin! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! Hello, General.
Uh-oh.
Okay, there's a girl here now.
Can we make her wear the dress? Hi.
All right.
Let's go home.
No, I'm staying here.
All right.
You want to stay? Let's stay.
What are you doing? I'm enlisting, General.
I'm gonna stand by your side until we win this war and tell the King of England to suck it.
- Mnh-mnh.
- King of France.
- No.
- Russia.
- No - Ooh, Mars? I'm sorry-- No lady soldiers.
Actually, historical records show that some women were convincingly able to dress as men and joined the fight.
Fine.
You're in.
But move the damn car! I'm on it.
I usually don't go for muscles, but that guy makes me want to let my hair down and get all fancy.
Fancy? You mean like like dressed up? I mean, like, super slutty.
You know, fancy.
Maybe that's just a New York term.
You think that "Fancy" means super slutty? Slutty, trashy, mind-bogglingly whorish.
What? - It's just that "Fancy" - Meaning whorish-- is the name we liked for a girl.
Yeah, it's our girl name.
I'm sure you can still use it.
I'm probably the only one in town who equates "Fancy" with a shocking degree of skankitude.
No, "Fancy" is dead.
You killed "Fancy.
" I feel terrible, Jelly.
Does the word "Macho" make you think of any slang? Um, no.
Oh.
Okay.
It does remind me of a rodeo clown who took my young, naive hand and escorted me into womanhood.
Oh, Macho.
I made him keep his nose on.
Oh, no! Round of Coors? Hey-oh! This is the life.
Beach, beer, and buds.
So, this golf club really wanted you to be their new pro? Yeah, they offered me Not in a big bag like you'd think.
But, you know, I guess they pay it bit by bit over the course of a year.
Yeah, some companies do it that way.
Yeah, and they offered me a free apartment, too.
- You know, nice swanky pad right on the course.
- How swanky? You know those toilets that shoot water up your butt? They had one?! Did you try it? I'll never be the same.
Hey, it was a good offer, but I need to be here, you know? With the people that I love and where nothing ever changes.
Well, I guess some stuff changes.
You know, Jules is married to G-Man, and Travis graduated, finally won over Laurie, and knocked her up for good measure.
And, you know, they're gonna be parents, too.
But I'm still the same.
You know, nothing ever changes for me.
Bobby Cobb! I knew it! You got Mr.
T! - Welcome back, fool! - You welcome back, fool.
- You ready to go? - Let's go break some stuff.
Hey! What are you doing? Just giving my General some air.
Ooh, and I got this cool war paint.
It smells like coconut.
You should put some on your ears and your nose, right? All right! Wh-- On my signal, we charge.
Let's give 'em hell! Yeah, let's give 'em hell! And make sure we get enough fluids! You know, to fight better.
Soldier, your presence here is causing me a real pain in the ass.
Oh, wait.
That's just a figure of speech, right, dad? You don't really have a pain in-- Soldier, mind your own business! If you think I'm just gonna back off and let you be, then you're as dumb as Tom looks in that dress! Come on! Cheap shot! You don't want me to take care of you? - Well, too bad.
- That's it.
Defection! I'm changing sides! You can't do that! Can he do that? It's not in the rule book.
Charge! Jelly, I'm so sorry I ruined your beautiful names.
Yeah, me too.
I guess it's back to my list.
Will you please tell me if any of these work? Sure.
Are they for a boy or a girl? Yes.
Okay.
Apricot.
Aqua.
Boodle.
Blitz.
Calico, Coleco, Cottage, Courage.
Dobie, Doctor, Faddle, Fig.
Doctor Faddlefig? Oh, that's actually three names.
- Oh.
- Anything? - Let's keep going.
- Okay.
Habit, Haha, Health, Midori, Patella, Pea-- the vegetable, not the verb, obviously.
- Obviously.
- Yeah.
Pico, Pinko, Pin-Wah.
Pinot? Pinot.
Is that how you say that? - Yeah.
- Pinot.
I like it.
I like it even better.
Poi, Robo, Rockford, Shoe.
Tack, Tao, Toy.
Tug.
Ugga-- Hey.
I just get so mad at the service in here, I want to strangle my phone.
Wh-- Aah! Laurie! I knew it! You were behind this.
You told Ellie to kill my baby names! No! Just the bad ones! - So, all of them.
- Ugh! Wait, Laurie.
Where are you going? You, sir, are toast! Ellie, please write "Toast" on my baby-name list.
That's one of the stronger choices.
Andy, this job is a huge opportunity for Bobby.
You know we have to talk about this.
Oh, you can't talk because your mouth is full of the gummy bears I brought? Okay.
Well, I didn't bring any gummy bears.
Look, I know it's best for us if Bobby stays here forever.
But what's best for him? Just remember, there's no "I" in BFF.
Today was awesome! Right, T? I pity the fool who's missing this.
Later on, we're gonna go into town and try to explain to kids who Mr.
T is.
Ooh! Nice necklace, Ando.
BFF, Best Friends Forever.
Also, Beer Farts Flammable.
That little tidbit saved my life once.
Bobby, I can't help thinking-- I have that problem sometimes.
N-no.
I'm-- I'm thinking it's not always good to be comfortable, not when it holds you back.
You know, so, maybe Spit it out, man! What? I think you should leave and take the job.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't do sad puppy dog face! It will kill me! I have to go! That's the coolest sad exit I've ever seen.
Dad?! Dad, stop hiding! I want to talk to you! That's why I'm hiding! Aha! Freeze, dirtbag.
Looks like I've got a prisoner.
Jules! Travis is trying to kill my baby names! For the love of Laurie! Laurie, can we talk about this? Jules, tell your son to stop being such an ass! Hey, mom, will you tell Laurie that "Fancy" is a terrible name?! Fancy? - Right?! - Right?! Trav, will you tell your mom that I am not a child? Trav, will you tell my dad that he's acting like one? Okay, there are three new people here, two of whom are women! Could I please take off the dress now? - Shut up, Tom! - Cram it, new guy! - Jules-- - Not now! Okay, dress is coming off.
- I'm out of here.
- Jules! - Dad! - Mom! - Jules! - Fine, you want my opinion?! Fancy is the stupidest name I've ever heard of in my entire life! Are you happy?! No! My water just broke.
A lot of women can wet themselves and then mistakenly believe that their water's broken.
That's not the case here.
She's having a baby.
Okay, who's got a phone? I left mine in my car, and it's parked over a mile away.
No phones allowed here.
- Laurie smashed mine.
- I left mine at the bar! She's having a baby.
We have no phone.
The closest car is a mile away.
I'm sure a solution will present itself.
Always good to know a doctor.
Okay, Laurie.
Let's get those legs open.
Yikes.
Jules, I don't want to have a battlefield baby.
Please! You're not going to.
Jules, are you sure you know what you're doing? Please.
That didn't really answer the question.
Okay, then.
Dad, can we put an end to this fight for now? Go get me a great-grandkid, J-Bird.
Hyah! I got Okay.
We need to get to a car so we can meet them at the hospital.
Grandpa? I'm the fastest one here.
I'll hurry back.
All-state track three years in a row! Hold on.
Okay.
Sorry I ran off.
Are you chewing imaginary gummy bears? So, you really want me to leave? No! The thought of you moving aw-- I can't even say it! Well, then, so why did you? It would be awful for me if you moved aw-- But it may be great for you.
Buddy, you're living on a land boat, stuck in a rut.
This town is holding you back.
Bobby, I hang out with you here every day, and we have a few beers and some laughs, and I love it.
But you know what the best part of my day is? The 10 seconds from when I pull into this lot to when I get to your boat.
Because I think maybe I-I'll climb up and you won't be here.
No goodbyes, just left.
I don't know much, but I know that.
Is that "Good Will Hunting"? Yeah, I wrote it on my hand.
I-- I want big things for you.
And it'll be hard shaking up your life and moving aw-- But sometimes doing the hard thing gets you to where you need to be.
I just want the best for you.
I stole a car last night don't know we're gonna go Ooh! Oh! - Come on.
- Jules, I can't.
You can.
- No! - Oh, here she is! It's okay.
Just the dad! Oh, and that's my dad.
And the weird neighbor.
Probably a lot more coming.
- Baby, are you okay? - No! You killed Macho and Fancy! Later, okay? You're about to give birth.
No! No! So help me, I will suck this baby back up into my body until it has a name! You better start pitching ideas.
- Uh, Peaches.
- Jesse.
- That's terrible! - Maryann.
Wait.
I got it.
It's perfect.
Yes.
Oh, God! Yeah, everybody out! This baby is gonna shoot across the room! Oh, my God! I got to push! I have to push! I have to push.
I have to push, I have to push.
Aah, aah.
You want to go hold your grandson? Ooh, not yet.
I want to make sure I get all this.
just follow the signs ooh they will lead us home and we will drive till these tires wear out and we will write all our memories down we will cry till this fire is drowned Bobby meet Bobby.
but, darling, I, I will keep you warm Shh.
oh, darling, I, I will keep you warm Whoa.
Mind blown.
darling, I, I will take you home Hey, Bobby.
You here? Bobby? You did it.
You beautiful son of a bitch, you did it.
Ha! Did what? Bobby! I thought you were gone.
Nah.
I just wanted you to have a "Good Will Hunting" moment.
He leaves tomorrow.
And I'm coming to see him every other weekend.
- Like a divorced dad.
- Well, hop on.
The gang's getting together at the bar for a little send-off.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
That's my hand you're holding.
Oh, sorry.
That's better.