Dad's Army (1968) s06e02 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Now, men, during the time we've been together, we've been through some very dark times, very dark times indeed.
In fact, last winter times were so dark that it was difficult to see ahead.
-Was that when we had the power cut, sir? -That'll do, Walker.
But now I'm happy to say that we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
A very long tunnel, a very small light.
There it is, shining brightly for all to see.
Mr Hodges won't like that, Mr Mainwaring.
I'm not referring to the blackout, boy.
I'm talking about the war situation.
After standing alone against the Nazi hordes for nearly two years, I'm very glad to be able to say that, at last, help is at hand.
Oh, that's awfully good news, sir.
Who is it? -It's the Americans.
-Oh, that's very good.
They've taken their time.
The war's been on two and a half years.
Let's not have any of that sort of talk, Walker.
It's just like those Westerns, isn't it, Mr Mainwaring? You know, where the settlers have been surrounded by Indians and the US Cavalry come in and save them in the nick of time.
Just like it, isn't it? No, I wouldn't say it was quite like that.
We've done pretty well on our own so far.
But it's always nice to have a few extras on the team, you know.
Sort of second 1 1 , as it were.
When can we expect them, sir? A small advance party is due in Walmington-on-Sea on Saturday morning.
And it's up to us to give them a very hearty welcome.
You mean, roll out the red carpet for them, sir.
-Precisely, yes.
-Right.
-We won't actually have a red carpet, of course.
-Oh, no, no.
I can get you a roll of American cloth if that'll help.
Permission to speak, sir? We must take our American cousins to our bosoms and take them into our homes and fertilise with them.
Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.
I don't think my mum would like a lot of strange Americans around the house.
In time of war, Pike, one can't choose one's bedfellows.
Sir, I've a double bed and I'm perfectly prepared to share if one of them should be hard put.
I'm not talking about bedfellows in that sense, Godfrey.
It's just as well, because I'm liable to get up and walk around a bit during the night.
Oh, dear me.
Don't you think we ought to show the Americans something that is really typically British? What about a display of Highland dancing? I mean, you can't get more British than that.
That's a very good idea, Walker.
You should be able to help us there, Frazer, you're the president of the Walmington-on-Sea Caledonian Society.
Ah.
Well, now, sir, that's just gonna be a wee bit awkward.
You see, I'm the only one in it.
There used to be two of us, Jock McKay and myself, but when I raised the subscription to five shillings a year, he wouldn't pay it.
So I threw him out.
Sir, I've just been struck by a thought.
-Yes.
-When I was in the Sudan and we'd just signed a peace treaty with the fuzzy-wuzzies, General Kitchener thought it'd be a good idea if we had a bit of a get-together.
So we asked them what they'd like to do and they thought they would like to have a spear throwing competition.
-But it got a bit difficult.
-Why was that? They wanted to use General Kitchener as a target.
Anyway, we managed to talk them out of that.
And all us British lads lined up ready to throw our spears and the fuzzy-wuzzies stood just behind us ready to take their turn.
Anyway, I cast my spear forward, then I took a step back -Oh, get to the point, Jones.
-I did, sir.
One of them fuzzy-wuzzies had his spear just like that, and I did not like it, sir.
Anyway, the point of my story is we ought to ask them to watch a darts match at the Red Lion.
That's a very good idea.
An evening in a typical English pub.
-What could be better? -Very good.
Do you mean to say, sir, you don't think I'm going into the realms of fantasy? Certainly not.
No, no, no.
We'll invite them to a spear throwing to a darts match in the Red Lion on Saturday night.
You can bring the ladies.
-I'll bring Shirley.
You know her, don't you, sir? -Yes, I do, indeed.
I'll bring my girl as well.
She doesn't say much but she's ever so nice.
Uncle Arthur -Sergeant Wilson will bring my mum, won't you? -What? Yes, yes, I suppose so, yes.
Will you be bringing your wife, sir? No.
No, I don't think so, Wilson.
I don't think Elizabeth would do much for Anglo-American relations.
What else can we think of? Well, perhaps we could fix up a banner across the bar with a message of welcome on it.
-I could get one made up for you, sir.
-Could you? Oh, good.
-What do you want me to say? -Oh, well, how about ''Hello to our brave American allies! ''Go to it and you'll soon be home.
'' You can't have all that.
That'll go twice round the bar and across the High Street.
I'll cut it down for you.
Look, you don't need, ''Hello to our brave American allies.
'' I mean, the Americans know they're brave.
We'll call them Yanks.
You needn't tell them where to go, they'll soon find out.
Yes, and there's no need for that, ''You'll be home soon.
'' I mean, they've only just come into the war.
What you got left, Joe? ''Yanks go home.
'' All right, well, think up some short message and don't spend more than 1 0 shillings on it.
Right, leave it to me, sir.
My BrItIsh buddy We're as dIfferent as can be ''Hi, buddy.
'' It's a bit brief, isn't? Well, you said don't spend more than 1 0 shillings.
Anyway, it's snappy, it's to the point.
The Yanks like that.
Godfrey, I've got a kind of feeling that tonight is going to be a bit of a disaster.
-Oh, dear, I do hope not.
-I feel it might.
I must say you're looking very nice tonight, Mrs Fox.
Thank you, Mr Jones.
I wanted to look my best.
Americans are used to all those Hollywood blondes and, well, we don't want to disappoint them, do we? Do you like my scent? It's lovely.
Yes.
It's Californian Poppy.
I thought it would be appropriate.
Do try and cheer up, Arthur.
-I'm perfectly cheerful, Mavis.
-No, you're not.
After all, you don't take me out very often.
You could at least make an effort.
No, it isn't that at all.
Seems to me that I can never, ever be able to get away from Mainwaring and the others.
I'm with him all day at the bank and on parade with him in the evenings.
And on our one night off, he has to drag us all over here to meet all these Americans.
You see, I'd much rather be in a nice, cosy cocktail bar listening to a little Noel Coward playing on the piano.
I saw Noel Coward once in that film In WhIch We Serve.
He's not little.
He's quite normal sized.
-Oh, Frank.
-Oh, Frank.
-I wonder what these American soldiers look like.
-I have no idea.
Ivy said she saw them arrive at the station.
-Didn't you? -MRS PIKE: Oh, did she? I wish you'd ask her to speak up, Frank.
I can never hear a word she says.
She says they're very smart.
They're all dressed as officers.
-Even the privates? -Even the privates? She says yes.
I wonder what's happened to Shirley.
I think I'll go and give her a ring.
-Thank you for making up the darts team, Vicar.
-That's all right, Mr Mainwaring.
I'm always ready and eager to help cement Anglo-American relations.
-Have a drink? -Oh, thank you.
Scotch, please.
Large one.
-Verger? -Lemon shandy, small one.
A small lemon shandy and a large whisky, please.
Sorry, Captain Mainwaring, I'm afraid I can only let you have a single.
I'm short of Scotch.
What a mercy, Providence has undertaken it all.
You know the vicar's weakness, don't you? A double this early in the evening and God I mean, heaven knows what might happen.
We don't want the Americans to get the wrong impression of our clergy, do we? Hello! Evening.
-Shirley, is it? -Yes, where's Joe? -He's phoning you.
-I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to put my face on.
-What? -I haven't overdone it with the make-up, have I? -Well -I was going for the demure look.
After all, we don't want to give the Americans the wrong idea about us English girls, do we? (In Welsh accent) Good evening.
Captain Mainwaring? -Ah.
Yes.
-How are you? My name is Cheeseman, see, and I'm from the Eastbourne Gazette.
And I'd like to take a photograph of you greeting our brave American allies.
-Yes, excellent.
-Good.
And this is your good lady, eh? What? -Your wife? -No, no, no.
Certainly not.
Chance would be a fine thing.
-Well, you see -Wilson.
Wilson.
Come over here, will you? I want a word with you.
You see, Captain Mainwaring, it's like this.
I'm writing a series of articles for the Gazette, entitled ''Doughboy meets the Tommy''.
Oh, brilliant.
And I thought it would be a good idea if you and Oh, yes, well, all right.
Well, I'll see you later, Captain Mainwaring.
I say.
Tip me the wink when you're ready to take the photograph, will you? Eh? When you're ready, I want to take the glasses off, you see.
Tell me when you're ready.
-I don't want the glasses in the picture.
-Oh.
I'm with you.
I'm with you all the way.
Righto, boy.
-Now, look here, Wilson.
-Yes, sir.
When these Americans arrive I want you to line them up, -and I'll just say a few appropriate words.
-Yes, I trust you're not going to be too formal, sir.
No, of course not.
That's the whole point of the thing.
I understand there's some sort of a colonel in charge of them.
-That's right.
-How does one greet him? Well, he'll probably say, ''Howdy, partner, put it there.
'' -Say what? -''Howdy, partner, put it there.
'' Put what where? His hand in yours.
-What? -Well, you just shake hands.
-Don't be absurd.
-Well, that's what he'll do.
An American colonel wouldn't say, ''Howdy, partner, put it there.
'' You and that boy Pike see far too many American films.
Evening, Napoleon.
Evening, Vicar.
Evening, Mr Hodges.
So nice of you to make up our little darts team.
It's all right.
Always ready to give the Home Guards a good thrashing.
-What time do we kick off? -9:00.
Because it's being put on for the benefit of the Americans.
Oh, blimey.
I hate blooming Yanks, loud-mouthed, overbearing lot.
I can't stand them.
What about some service? -Mr Mainwaring, they're here.
-What? -The Yanks.
Two jeep loads outside.
-Ah, right.
-Jones, fall the men in.
-Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Right, come on, get fell in.
-MAINWARING: Informally.
-Informally fall in! Fall in informally! No, not you, Mrs Fox, not you.
But I don't want to be left out of anything, you know.
Go and sit down, Shirl.
Why? I'm sure those Americans would much rather meet us than all those old men.
-Go sit down, ladies, will you, please? -Does that mean I put all this lot on for nothing? -MRS FOX: I hope not.
-Stand over here.
-Stand over where? -Over here.
Come over here.
That's it.
Now, you stand there like that.
Now, Mr Cheeseman, when exactly are you going to take this photograph? -As soon as they come through that door.
-Ah.
Good, right.
-Stand here, sir, just here.
-What? All right, sir? -On behalf of the people of Walmington-on-Sea -No, no, no, sir.
No, no.
-This is the Colonel.
-Oh.
-Ah, yes.
-Howdy, partner, put it there.
-What did you say? -I told you so.
Turn your head a little more this way, Captain Mainwaring.
All right.
I'd just like to say a few words of welcome to you and your men.
-Sure go ahead, Captain.
-Right.
-Will you get out of the way? -I was not in the way.
-Don't be impudent.
-Excuse me, sir.
-You better put your glasses on.
Your spectacles.
-What? -Oh, all right.
-That's it, that's better.
On behalf of the people of Walmington-on-Sea, I bid you welcome and congratulate you upon entering the war.
At last.
Thanks a lot.
My name is Shultz, Colonel Shultz.
My name is Mainwaring, Captain Mainwaring.
-This is my sergeant, Sergeant Wilson.
-How do you do? It's awfully nice to meet you.
Did you have a jolly crossing? -Oh, it was very jolly, except for one thing.
-What was that? Those beastly Kraut submarines that kept firing torpedoes at us.
Oh, my dear, how awful.
Well, now you're here, we'd like you to be our guests.
So just relax and make yourselves feel at home.
Okay, boys, you heard what the man said.
Relax, make yourselves at home.
All right, come on, you guys.
Excuse me.
Perhaps you'd like to meet some of my men, would you, Colonel? -This is Lance Corporal Jones.
-Howdy.
I'm very pleased to meet you, sir.
I had the honour to serve with the Americans in France in 1 91 7, sir.
They used to call us limeys then, sir.
I expect you know why they done that, didn't you, sir? No, I can't say I do.
Oh, well, in times of old, on British ships, the sailors they used to get all scurvy and mingy, you see.
And the Captain, he got a bit fed up of this, and he called them all round and he said, ''Now, listen boys.
''I am sick of you crawling about all looking scurvy and mingy.
''I want you to drink some lime juice.
'' So he used to get them all together in the evenings, and he used to make them drink lime juice.
But there happened to be an American sailor on board and he refused it.
And he told the captain what to do with his lime juice.
And the captain got very cross and he ordered him to be flogged.
So, while he was being flogged, the captain said, ''Why do you not drink up your lime juice ''like our brave British lads?'' And the American said, ''Ow! They're nothing but a lot of ''Ow! Nothing but a lot of crawling limeys.
Ow!'' And that ''Ow'' was the noise what he ejaculated while he was being flogged, you see, sir.
Anyway, hence the expression limeys.
-You don't say? -I do.
I just told you MAINWARING: All right, Jones.
Mavis, just a minute.
Mavis, what on earth is going on? The sergeant here is being ever so nice.
-Says I'm the perfect English rose.
-You sure are, sister.
Now, just a minute, just a minute.
You haven't been introduced to this lady.
Listen, buddy.
-Why don't you go take a powder, huh? -Take a pow -Oh, I believe you're jealous, Arthur.
-Just watch it.
-Wilson.
-Yes, sir, I'm coming.
What is it? -This is Private Frazer.
-Howdy.
Now's the day, and now's the hour See the front o' battle lour And see a proud Hitler's wanton tour Slaves and Slavery! Wha would be a traitor knave? Wha sae base as be a Slave? Wha would fill God's grave? Let him turn and flee! Well, Captain, you sure have an international unit here.
My God, I don't know what that lingo was but it sounded great.
What part of the world does this old-timer come from? Scotland, and that was nae foreign lingo.
That was a battle song by Robbie Burns brought up to date by me.
-Goddamnit, what do you know? -What, indeed.
-Private Godfrey.
-Good evening.
I'm so sorry, my sister Dolly couldn't come tonight.
She's got a touch of rheumatism but she sent you some of her upside-down cakes.
Oh, gee, thanks.
Well, Captain, you sure got some veterans in your outfit.
I didn't know the British Army took them that old.
Well, of course, you see, we're not real soldiers.
-What are you talking about? Not real soldiers.
-We're not, are we? We're not real soldiers.
I mean, we're Home Guards.
-What are Home Guards? -Well, sort of part-time soldiers.
Mr Mainwaring is the manager of the bank and I'm his chief clerk.
And most of the others, you know, they've got shops and things like that.
And this was formed, you see, the Home Guards was formed to protect the town against German parachute troops and things.
Well, you don't need to worry no more.
We'll do all the defending there is to do around here.
Now, you old-timers just relax, take it easy.
How kind.
Don't you think we ought to go and have a drink at the bar, sir? -Wouldn't that be a good idea? -What are you talking about? Not real soldiers? Here, Colonel, come here, listen.
If you need anything like, you know, razor blades, petrol coupons or elastic, let me know.
I'm sorry, you're wasting your time, buster.
We don't need a thing, we brought it all over with us.
Cor blimey.
Here, Joe.
Do something quick.
Look at them Yanks with our girls.
-Well, fancy you being a real cowboy.
-Yeah.
I bet a lot of you are film stars and all.
Oh, I do like these American boys.
They're so nice and clean cut.
(Exclaiming) And ever so generous.
Joe, come and have a look at his medals.
He got that one for sharp shooting and that one for good conduct.
Not too good, I hope.
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
Mrs Fox, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
You're old enough to be his mother.
Well, if it comes to that, you're old enough to be my father.
-Here, Joe, what are we going to do? -Oh, search me.
They don't want to buy anything, and now they pinched our girls.
If you ask me, this war has taken a very nasty turn.
Let's go and have a drink.
Ivy.
Ivy, you're supposed to be with me.
Pardon? Mum.
Mum! -Whatever's the matter, Frank? -He's got his arm around Ivy, look.
He won't take it away.
Make him take it away, Mum.
Make him take it away! Don't be so silly, Frank.
I shall never speak to you again, Ivy.
Now, Colonel, there you are.
Try some real, old, English beer.
-Captain Mainwaring.
-Ah, yes.
Well, thanks.
Well, bottoms up.
My God, it's warm.
I bet you never tasted anything like that in your life.
Warm? Feels quite cool to me.
It tastes like tub water that's come through the faucet.
Oh, no.
No, you don't have to force it.
You just turn the tap on, it runs down.
Now, what did you say, kid? Are you having me on? Having you on what? -Perhaps you'd like to try something else? -Okay, I'll have a highball.
-Of course.
-Highball.
Give this gentleman a highball.
-You got a highball? -Highball? What's that? -Scotch on the rocks.
-Sorry, no Scotch.
Now, what sort of a joint is this? No scotch, warm beer.
Is this your idea of typical English hospitality? I'm very sorry but we've been fighting a war for two and a half years and things are in rather short supply.
-Now, what'd you mean by that remark? -Nothing, really.
Hello, Colonel.
My name is Hodges.
I met some of your blokes when they came out to France in 1 91 7 under General Perishing.
You mean General Pershing? Yeah, well, I knew it was some perishing general.
Do you notice I said 1 91 7? And as we all know, the war started in 1 91 4.
MEN: All right.
Now you've come over to win this little lot for us, have you? Still, better late than never.
I mean, the war's only been on for two and a half years, innit? It's an improvement on last time.
Captain Mainwaring.
Now, what did you say, buster? I said you're improving.
This time, two and a half years instead of three.
Hold it now.
MAINWARING: I can assure you, sir, that it was not our fault.
Hodges made an insulting remark, the American went to hit him, Hodges dodged and I got hit instead.
But my men were in no way to blame.
Yes, I realIse that, MaInwarIng.
But the fact remaIns that a photograph of you brawlIng wIth an AmerIcan Colonel Is on the front page of every newspaper.
The German propaganda machine will have a field day with this.
The Americans have only been in the country a few hours and there's a fight with British troops.
It'll be all over the world.
Well, we're going to nip it in the bud.
What do you want me to do, sir? I'm sending that reporter over to your place today.
I want you to ask the American Colonel round and make a public apology to him.
I want a photograph of you two shaking hands.
I'll see it gets in tomorrow's papers.
You want me to be the scapegoat, in fact, sir? I'm afraid so.
That's one of the penalties of wearing pips on your shoulders.
You sometimes have to take the can back even when it isn't your fault.
Now, see to it.
Very well, sir.
It's an awfully good spread, isn't it, sir? It's a terrible disgrace.
I'll never live that down.
Rather a nice one of me, don't you think? Think if I get in touch with the paper, they might send me some prints? Oh, I don't know.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
Permission for you to see a deputation, sir.
-Yes, Jones.
-Sir.
We'd all like to apologise for what happened last night, sir.
But to assure you, it was not our fault.
Well, I know that, Jones, and GHQ knows it.
But the fact remains that I have to make a public apology to that American Colonel.
You mean they're going to make you the scrape coat? Yes, but even if I have to make a public apology I intend to see that GHQ realises that it's no responsibility of ours.
I'm going to make out a report which will completely clear us of all blame.
I want you to tell me, in your own words, exactly what happened on Saturday night.
-We'll start with you, Sergeant.
-All right, sir.
Well, when the fight started, I thought I'd better get out of the way, -so I dived under the table.
-Yes.
That was after he thumped the American Sergeant.
After he What? I'm sorry, sir, but, you see, I only gave him a couple of taps.
He'd been getting on my nerves all evening.
He'd been far too familiar with Mrs Pike.
Mum was furious.
When Uncle Arthur got home, she wouldn't let him in.
He had to spend all night in the coal shed.
Frank.
What about you, Jones? There's a very nasty bump on your forehead.
-Which American did that? -None of them, sir.
It was Mrs Fox.
-Mrs Fox? -Yes.
She didn't like my attitude to one of the Yanks.
-What were you doing? -I was banging his head on the floor.
I got him in a deadly, dervish death grip, sir, and I was All right.
All right.
Frazer? Well, sir, I just gave this fellow a wee bit of a push.
No more, no more, mind you, no more.
A wee bit of a push.
Well, he had knocked the whisky out of my hand and no decent Scot will stand for that.
It was just unfortunate that he happened to collide with a bottle that Joe here was holding.
Ah, yes, well, I can explain that, sir, you see.
When the fight started, I thought I'd calm things down with a bit of a singsong, you see.
So I was conducting away like this.
It just so happened I had a bottle in each hand.
What about you, Pike? I'm sure you didn't do anything violent.
I must confess, I did, sir.
I lost my temper.
You see, it's those two Americans, they kept on clinging to my Ivy.
They wouldn't let go, you see, and Mum wouldn't do anything about it.
So I thought it was about time I stood up for myself.
I decided to be a man.
-What did you do? -I walked straight up to him and I went He chased me round the table twice until Mr Godfrey hit him over the head with a chair.
Godfrey? Well, sir, he'd trodden on my sister Dolly's upside-down cakes.
I think we better leave sleeping dogs lie.
Sorry to crash in on you like this, fellas.
That's all right, Captain, you just relax.
I just want to apologise for what happened last night.
I never realised what you guys had been through.
What with all the bombing and food shortages and the like.
I thought I'd make it up to you.
I brought some Scotch and some candy.
I say, that's awfully generous of you.
Oh, forget it.
Now what I want to do, Captain, is to apologise to your men and this press guy over here is going to take a photograph.
Hello, again, Captain Mainwaring.
Actually, I was just about to apologise to you.
What for? It wasn't your fault.
I can't let you do that.
As you British say, it wouldn't be cricket.
So, if you'll get your men together, Captain, I'll be beholden to you.
-Well, if you insist.
Call the men in, Corporal.
-Right.
-You come this way, please, sir.
-I'm right behind you, old-timer.
-I'll give you ?2 for the bottle of whisky.
-Certainly not.
-?2.
1 0.
-Get on parade.
I must say, I rather like the look of that whisky, sir.
Yes.
He's rather nice, that fellow, Colonel Shultz, don't you think? -Just a minute, Wilson.
-Yes, sir.
-Isn't Shultz a German name? -That's right.
Yes, it is.
What's a man with a German name doing serving in the American Army? A lot of people in America, you know, with German names.
-Really? -Yes.
The whole thing's got completely out of hand.
People fighting on our side with German names.
We're better off on our own.
At least we knew who was who and what was what.
Right.
Right.
Come on, get fell in.
Line up now, come on, line up, an orderly line.
Now, don't you worry about that, old-timer.
You just gather round me in an informal group.
Very good, sir.
In an informal group round the Colonel, at the double, gather! Come on.
Now, men, I just want to say how sorry I am for what happened last night.
And as a peace offering, I brought you some candy bars.
Perhaps you'd like to help me give them out, Captain? Yes, of course.
Now my men would be here to apologise in person, but we've got a ladies night in the mess and they're fixing the place up.
Ladies night at the mess? Oh, yes, that reminds Frank.
When we both went back to tea, did you notice that your mother was dressed up in her party frock? Yes, I did, Uncle Arthur.
Yes, I thought it was rather funny just to make toast in.
When I phoned Ivy to ask her to meet me after parade, she made an excuse.
I could tell she was lying.
I could hear every word she said.
Wait a minute.
Shirley said she couldn't come out tonight because her hair was in a mess.
Now I know which mess.
Yoo-hoo, Colonel.
I'm all ready.
I'll be right with you, honey.
You just wait outside in that there jeep.
(Mrs Fox giggling) All get ready for the photograph, gentlemen.
Excuse me, is it true, in the last war, the only thing the Americans charged was the 1 0% on the money they lent us? Now, what was that, old-timer? Hold it.