Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s06e02 Episode Script

lolaus, we have enough food.
No.
We have enough nuts and berries.
Tonight we're gonna have man food: rabbit stew.
I think you've caught every rabbit in this forest.
I'd be surprised if there's anything left.
Yeah.
I am kind of public enemy number one to the rabbit community.
Aren't I? Hi, guys.
Uh, hi, sis.
You're lookin' kind of- Bummed.
I know.
I've got a case of the total blahs, and somebody told me that bareback riding would lighten my aura.
Um, Aphrodite, when they said "bareback," they meant the horse.
Tsk.
Duh! Why would I feel better ifhewere naked? Can't argue with that.
No.
So, what's wrong? Maybe we can help.
Ah, that's sweet, bro, but I gotta fly this one solo.
Later.
Nice girl.
Yeah, she is interesting.
I'm off.
Okay.
Where are you going? I'm not gonna wait around here for you to catch a rabbit that doesn't exist.
- I'm going fishing.
- Oh, yeah? - If I never see a fish again, that'll be too soon! - Yeah, yeah.
And you wait! When you get back, rabbit stew! Oh, I wouldn't count on it.
Down with men! Give us strength! Show us the way! Amazons rule! Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, Protector of the Shimax Amazon Tribe, give us strength against our enemies, independence from men! Keep us strong and free! Whoa! Huh? Ugh! Grody! Ugh! Time to lose the doom and gloom and find a happy place, hagsters.
Rad idea, Secretarius.
Fight off the men! We'll give these girls a new attitude.
- What was that? - Did you feel that? What can I say? It's a gift.
You know, I really would have caught something if you hadn't shown up.
Yeah, like giardia.
Hey, what's going on? There's one way to find out.
Make your bets! Make your bets! Lay your money down! There you go! Yeah, look at her! Now, this is what I call a vacation.
Sorry.
You lose.
Here! Check out all these waitresses in Amazon costumes.
Fruit.
Here.
I hope you choke on it.
They're not costumes, lolaus.
You mean they're real Amazons? Get out of town! Right.
Which way should I go? No, no, no.
I didn't mean - All right, already.
I'm out of here.
All I said was- "Get out of town.
" That's exactly what she's doing.
This is weird.
Yeah.
Eight, black.
Sorry, you lose.
And that explains why.
Thank you.
Deimos.
Deimos.
Hello, Deimos.
I'd like to speak with you.
Hmm.
I assure you, coz, these ladies are here of their own free will.
Tell him, ladies! We're here of our own free will.
Mmmm! And there's nothing you can do about it! This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power- Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! Hey, uh, coz, easy on the neck.
Uh, you'll leave a mark.
Come on, Deimos.
Since when do Amazons take orders from men? Yeah.
Start explaining.
Okay.
So I ran into these 'Zons in the woods, and I'm like, "Oh, these babes could really tear me to shreds.
" Ding! Then I realized, "Hey, I'm a god! What could they possibly do to me?" Would you get to the point? So I said, "Girls, get over yourselves.
" The next thing you know, they're playing leapfrog! And you have no idea how this happened? None.
Other than the fact that I saw Aphrodite leaving, not really.
You don't get a whole lot of oxygen to the brain, do you? Ooh! Sticks and stones, Hercules! But can you do this? Where are you going? We can do the, uh- Or we could go- Yeah, ladies! Whoo-hoo! I want to see some enthusiasm, people! Smile! Huh! Yeah! Showtime! You lousy, no-good son of a- Weasel! I'll tear him a new- Pond scum! I'll rip him apart limb by limb! Is this a spell? Oh, it's definitely a spell.
Uh, I'm gonna find Aphrodite.
You stay here and keep the Amazons out of trouble.
All right, sis! You put a spell on the Amazons, and I want to know why! Take a chill pill, bro.
I didn't do it on purpose.
I saw those hagsters doing their man-hating mantra, and I was like, "Must these gals be so heinous?" So you turned them into slaves? No! I was just trying to lighten the vibe! My powers have been all screwy lately.
Every time I try to zap something, it comes out all backwards.
All right.
Come here and tell big brother what's wrong.
Oh, Herc! It's Heph! You and Hephaestus had a fight? It's over.
We're totally splitsville.
Yeah, well, that explains it.
It also explains my new digs.
Dig? I thought some shopping might take the edge off.
Yeah.
Look, your powers are messed up because you miss him.
Me? Miss that self-important windbag? As if! I'm going back to the mall.
Wait- That should solve everything.
Yeah.
I amnot in the mood for this.
I could help.
Hey, um- Yeah! Hey, uh, I-I'll take that.
I've got it.
No, no, no.
I'm here to help.
No.
I-I- Look, if you'd just let go! Thanks a lot.
Sorry.
Uh, name's lolaus.
And you are? Very busy.
Now, leave me alone.
Kayla.
Now, leave me alone.
Kayla, Kayla, I'm here to help.
Why don't you just try not listening? I'm trying to do that right now.
Okay.
What if I order you not to obey Deimos? It won't work.
Deimos has ordered us to ignore any command that contradicts his.
If I were you, I'd leave now.
Because after the spell is lifted, my Amazon sisters and I are gonna kill everyone who saw us like this.
Oh, please.
Someone's got a crush on you! Deimos, why can't you be more like your cousin? - Strife? He's dead.
- Catch on quick, don't you? Ooh, scathing remark! Ooh, I'm hurt! Especially, uh, since I had my eye on you.
I could really use a go-getter like you to join my team.
We're talking hefty salaries, year-end bonuses and the perks! Oh, the perks are so perky! Ladies, take care of lolaus.
Deimos- Uh, you don't have to.
Oh, that's- Yeah.
Ohhh! Ah, that's good! Oh, yeah, yeah! Ah, hi, Herc.
Herc! Ah! Deimos - So, uh, how did it go with Aphrodite? She and Hephaestus split up.
It's affecting her powers, and these Amazons were at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm gonna try to get them back together again, hopefully, you know, break the spell.
So I should just stay here, right? Yeah.
Right.
- Oh, and, lolaus? - Yeah? - Behave.
- Yeah.
Right.
Thanks.
Ta-ta, my goody-two-shoes cousin! Hey, Deimos, aren't you worried that he's gonna mess up your plans? Hercules? Don't make me chuckle.
Once I get these Amazons to do what I want, I'll squish him like a bug.
You can do that? Yes, my trusty, dimwitted companion.
What we're after will make all the gods tremble in fear.
Zeus will bow down before me! What's so funny? Shut up and laugh.
Hephaestus! Hey, Hephaestus! Hercules! Hey! It's been too long! It certainly has.
So, how have you been? Great.
Fine.
Couldn't be happier.
You sure? Yeah.
Hey, let me show you my latest invention.
I call it my automatic clothesline.
Now, you put your wet laundry in, close her up, push this button- It's very impressive! It works really well.
Lousy, good-for-nothing piece of tin! I'm sorry.
It's just lately I can't seem to do anything right.
The slightest thing seems to send me into a murderous rage.
It's because you miss Aphrodite.
Ya had to mention her, didn't ya? Now, why didn't I see that coming? Now, think about what you're doing! What are you thinking? What is wrong with you? All right! That's it! Now I'm mad! Let me go! Only if you promise to calm down.
Okay.
I'm calm.
Look what I've done.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Isn't it obvious? You miss her.
No way.
Please.
Okay, sure.
Maybe at first.
But now I realize how great it is to be single again! Oh, I can walk around all day naked, belch whenever I want to, eat with my hands.
Yeah.
I can see your point.
Living like a disgusting hog sure beats being with the woman you love.
You got that right.
Did Aphrodite mention me? She's not the same without you.
Why don't you just come back and work things out with her? Ah, it's no use.
I can't talk to her.
She's bored with me.
Face it, Herc.
The magic's gone.
I just can't do anything right! Look.
Maybe the magic is gone between you two.
I don't know.
But if there's even a chance that it's still there, don't you owe it to yourself to find out? Come on! I just don't know what to say to her.
I'll help.
How? We'll think of something.
No more bets! Hi.
I've been lookin' for you.
Oh? Need another girl for your harem? No, no.
That was Deimos's idea of a job offer.
Ah, you work for Deimos now.
Figures.
I said no to him.
Oh, how noble.
You want a medal? Look, not all men are trying to hurt you, all right? Some of us are decent, caring people.
Okay, you've made your point.
You're not a pig.
So after this curse is lifted and I cut off your head, I'll feel real bad about it.
I'm sensing a little hostility here.
Aw, Kayla, hey.
I know this is hard for you to understand, but I care about you.
And as long as I'm here, I'll try and not let anything happen to your or your sisters.
Where is everybody? Maybe the curse has been lifted.
That can't be the case.
You'd be playing marbles with my eyeballs right now.
True.
No luck so far.
Are you sure one of these girls knows the secret? Patience, Varg.
Ultimate power doesn't come easy.
I've been thinking about my new title.
Which do you prefer: Deimos the All-Powerful or Deimos the Omnipotent? Yeah, great.
Look.
A couple of my men followed Hercules, like you asked.
Mm-hmm.
It turns out he went to see Hephaestus.
Isn't that interesting? If Hephaestus gets back with Aphrodite, her powers come back and then our spell on the Amazons will be history! All our dreams, all our plans, all ruined! You're right.
Let's get out of here.
Relax, doofus.
A mere trifle for Deimos, god of gods and a deity for all seasons.
Then you've got a plan? Ding! You betcha! You sent for me, Deimos? Mmm, yes, my succulent Sela.
I have a little, um, job for you.
'Dite? Honey bunny? Where are you? Hephie? You have something you want to say to me? Uh, yeah, baby.
My heart is empty, my love.
Because you, Aphrodite, are the light of my life, the fire in my soul, my reason for living.
- Hey, that's good.
- Say it to her.
Right, right.
You are the fire of my life.
My sole reason for lighting.
- Close enough.
- That's close enough.
- Excuse me? - Quick.
We're losing her.
That's close enough because I fear your radiance might consume me.
Um- - I'm scared.
- Oh, Hephie.
She bought it.
You don't have to be afraid of your little honey bunny.
Come here, you big hunk of man.
Hephie, baby! What? Who are you? Very funny, Hephie baby.
We've put things off long enough.
Let's get hitched.
A mortal? Could you, like, stoop any lower? But she's nobody! I mean, I don't even know her! Oh! So you're cheating on me with some nobody you don't even know? Have a nice life! Sorry.
You're not very lucky.
Hey, what's going on? I'll take one of those.
I can't.
Uh, Kayla.
Kayla! Kayla! Wait! How can I help you if you won't talk to me? I can't.
We're forbidden to tell anyone, let alone a man.
Oh, wait.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to do this to you, but it's the only way I can help you.
Now, tell me what's going on.
There's a stone.
It gives mortals the powers of a god and a god a power greater than Zeus.
Are you talking about the Kronos Stone? But Hercules destroyed that years ago.
Yeah, but Artemis gave us Amazons its remnants to help protect us against the gods.
And this is what Deimos wants? Yeah.
He's questioned nearly every Amazon in my tribe.
And you're the only one that knows where it is.
So when he questions you- we gotta get you out of here.
Now, did I hear something about a stone? What's the use? I mean, she's never gonna forgive me now.
It wasn't your fault.
Hephaestus, why don't you just go back to the forge and wait? I'll find Aphrodite.
I promise.
Whatever.
- Hey, bro.
- Wow.
That was easy.
Uh, look.
There's been a big misunderstanding.
Hephaestus doesn't even know that woman.
I'm not talking about him.
I came to see you 'cause Curly's in trouble.
lolaus? What happened? Deimos went psycho on him, like that's a stretch.
Ultimate power, Kronos Stone, big Amazon secret, yadda, yadda, yadda.
The Kronos Stone.
He must be reassembling the pieces.
Why didn't you stop him? Hello! My powers are totally zonked, remember? And you're the only one who can change that.
You and Hephaestus have got to make up.
I don't think so! Aphrodite, do you really think he would have an affair with a mortal woman? Huh? I mean, come on.
This was a setup.
Well, it did seem sort of unlike him.
Of course it was unlike him! Now, go! Make up with him.
You just want me to get my powers back in order to save the Amazons.
That would be nice too.
But you two belong together.
Everybody knows that.
Come on.
Please.
Just go.
Please.
Why me? Come on.
Keep it moving.
Zing! Whoo-hoo-hoo! We're close, aren't we? Yes, you miserable little worm.
Mmm, feisty.
I like that.
I'll snap you like a twig! When the spell is off, you die.
I'm petrified! We're behind schedule.
Get to work.
Back off, Deimie.
Ah, Aphrodite.
What a pleasant surprise.
How are things with you and Hephie? - Not good.
- Oh, such a shame.
You're playing with fire, Deimie.
'Dite, 'Dite, 'Dite.
You're a powerful goddess, but the times, they are a-changin'.
Hello! Do I have to spell it out for you? My powers may be on the fritz, but my brother Herc's are fine.
And if you don't cut this out, he's gonna rearrange your face.
Goodness.
What shall I do? Here's an idea.
You and me, sandy beaches, frolicking in the surf.
Au naturel.
Feeling sleepy, Deimos? 'Cause you're already dreaming.
I'd rather lick frogs.
Ribbet, ribbet, ribbet.
Okay, guys, that's enough.
Time to let me go.
Save yourselves a lot of pain and suffering.
Is that right? And who's gonna cause us pain? You? No.
Me.
Took you long enough.
I don't have to let you out, you know.
Of course you do! Deimos is after- The Kronos Stone.
I know.
Yeah.
But only one Amazon- Knows where it's hidden.
And he has her.
Let's go.
Boy! A mind like a steel- Trap.
Yeah.
Okay.
I've narrowed it down to two.
"Deimos, a God of Immense Power and Stupendous Wealth," or "Deimos, the Uncompromising, Unwieldy, Ultimate Deity who, when given the proper incentives, can be a nice guy once you get to know him.
" Well? Hmm? I hate them both, and I hate you.
Oh, only because I'm destroying your life and the lives of all your loved ones.
Even if you do find the Kronos Stone, we'll find a way to stop you.
You? Stop Deimos? "The great and powerful deity of unquestionable taste and unflinching fashion sense.
" Yeah, right.
Dig! Hello? Hello! Aphrodite! I'm, uh- I'm sorry the place is such a mess.
Have you come back to me? Yeah, well, there's this thing about the Kronos Stone, and Herc thinks we should get back together, so- So- So go ahead and apologize.
Apologize? Me? For what? You're the one who left! Nuh-uh! You drove me out with all that banging day and night! Well, excuse me for taking my work seriously.
Like I don't? Well, you are the Goddess of Love.
And right now, I'm not feeling very warm and fuzzy.
All right, fine.
Forget making up.
The real reason I came is 'cause Herc needs help fighting Deimos.
Okay.
Fine.
I'm on my way.
Oh, no.
No, no.
I'm helping him.
We don't need you.
Look, he may be your brother, but he's my friend, and I'm not about to let him down because of you! Okay, fine.
Then we'll both go.
Fine! Fine! Hey, Herc.
You know what happened to Salmoneus? Yeah.
He got sent to prison for tax fraud.
- Really? - Yeah.
Aphrodite! Hephaestus! Hey, you guys made up! Not exactly.
I tried.
But somebody had to be stubborn.
Oh, pl- Tell Your Royal Highness that if she thinks that's making up, she's nuts! I don't think he thinks you gave it a fair shot.
Ha! Well, tell that overgrown excuse for a god that it wasn't my fault we started fighting in the first place.
- She says it was your fault to begin with.
- The Tartarus it was! Maybe if she took an interest in what I do- She's not interested in his work.
Maybe if he did something else every once in a while- - He works too much.
- But, Hercules, he's got to take it seriously.
That doesn't mean he should be neglecting his girlfriend.
- Please, if she wasn't so needy.
- Well, if he wasn't so selfish.
Hey! Stop fighting! Hey! Stop fighting! You're right.
This is getting us nowhere.
Aphrodite, you're the Goddess of Love.
Act like it.
It wouldn't hurt you to take some interest in Hephaestus's work.
And it wouldn't kill you to have some fun once in a while.
Oh, right.
She's the most stubborn! - Like he knows what fun is! - And what are you doin' wearing heels? - Are you crazy? - These boots were made for walking.
Hey! Those are mine! No kidding.
Now you have to work things out.
That is, if you ever want to be free again.
Come on, lolaus.
We have to stop Deimos before it's too late.
Hephaestus has a point.
You can't just break a schedule at the drop of a hat.
It takes two people to make a relationship.
Oh, here we go again! Come on.
It's give and take and give and take.
I think we've hit something! Is it the stone? No! Deimos, Hercules and his friend are coming.
My cousin has become a big thorn in my side.
It's time to get rid of that pesky do-gooder once and for all! Shall I stall him, Deimos? No! I'll get the Amazon women to kill him or die trying.
Yah! This can't be good.
Hey, we're the good guys.
Remember? They can't help themselves.
Remember? He's right.
Deimos wants you dead.
- We have no choice but to kill you.
- That's not a good choice.
Go easy, lolaus.
No hurting.
You okay? Sorry.
Kayla! Just fight it.
I can't.
Ow! Sorry.
Ladies, it's been a pleasure.
Ow! Ow! Sorry.
I tried not to hurt them.
Good boy.
What do we do now? I've got an idea.
Come on! Oh, great.
This is just what I've been wanting to do all week.
Walk around handcuffed to you! Well, you made 'em, smarty-pants.
What'd you do with the key? I might've been able to find the key if you hadn't have been such a messy hog! You're the only person I know who takes the garbage in! Well, what about you? The bathroom's not a library, you know.
You read in there for, like, days.
I'm sorry, Your Highness.
I forgot how much quality time you like to spend with your mirror! Well, at least I don't talk in my sleep.
And you don't just talk.
You talk backwards.
Do you have any idea how freaky that is? What's the matter with you? Oh, please! Can't I just have one moment of peace before I die? Is that too much to ask? You want silence? You got it, baby.
I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day! Oh, heavenly days! The Fates are finally smiling upon me! And another thing- And another thing- Well, is it there? The anticipation is killing me.
Found it! Yes! The Kronos Stone.
Oh, I'm almost giddy.
Yeah! That should slow 'em down.
I'm going after Deimos.
Think you can handle it here? Yeah.
No problem.
All right.
Herc, hurry! Why don't you just admit that you're wrong? Because I'm not! Please! You never pay any attention to me anymore! Well, sure I do! But it's never enough! You're constantly: "Hephie, is my hair perfect today? Does this outfit make me look fat?" You always look beautiful! Well, what about you and your stupid forge? You're always: "'Dite, check out my new invention.
Look at my new hammer doohickey.
" I mean, how many amazing things can you show me in a single day? I feel the power surging through me! Shall I give it a trial run? Oh, sure, Deimos.
What are you gonna destroy? A rock? Or that tree? Hmm.
Child's play.
I was thinking more like a moving target.
But, Deimos, I'm your partner! Correction.
You're my silent partner.
Looking for a challenge, Deimos? I guess.
Wanna play ball? I'd say that was a little low and outside, coz.
This one will be up, Jerkules! You're messing up my hair! - I don't want to kill you, lolaus.
- Thanks, I think.
Oh, you Amazons don't give up, do you? My face! My face! You really think my inventions are amazing? You really think I look beautiful all the time? Bye-bye, coz.
Poopsie! Are you all right? Yeah.
I think so.
If anything ever happened to you, I don't know what I'd do, honey bear.
I love you.
I love you too, honey bunny.
Something's happened.
The spell's been broken.
Revenge time, Kayla.
Let's start with him.
Wait.
lolaus isn't our enemy.
He's one of the few men we can trust.
Thanks.
Yeah! Time to die, Hercules.
Oh! No, no! Don't! You were saying? No.
Wait, wait! How about, uh, this: Deimos the Repentant? Or Deimos the Apologetic? Or, uh, Deimos the Truly, Truly Sorry? How about "The Deity Formerly Known as Deimos"? There he is! Get him! No, no! W-Wait! It's all a mistake! I was on your side the whole time.
If you have a complaint, lodge it with the management.
Let's kill him! No! Wait, wait, wait! You really want revenge? I've got a better idea.
Hey, Varg! More bread! Yes, madam.
Right away.
I'm on it.
Well, looks like everything's back to normal.
Ah, not everything.
I want to thank you for showing me that there are men in this world who deserve my trust.
Does that mean we're friends? I guess so.
Ahh, one step at a time, okay? Sure.
Bye, Kayla.
Bye.
How could things have gotten so bad between us? It doesn't make sense, does it? Nope, and it never will.
That is love.
Wow.
That was beautiful.
You should write a book.
Thanks.
Yeah.
You do the love gig almost as good as I do, bro.
Uh-uh.
No one does the love gig as good as my little honey bunny.
Mmm, poopsie! Okay, I'll just, uh, be over here, you guys.
Hey, Herc.
Oh, hey, lolaus.
Hmm? Hey! Look at this! Lucky dinar! Watch this.
You don't wanna waste your money on that- Herc, I know what I'm doing.
This is a lucky dinar, okay? Hi.
Deal me in.
Okay, hit me.
What, are you nuts? The dealer's showing a six.
He's gonna bust.
Hercules, I can feel it in the cards.
Come on.
Hit me.
Player busts.
Better luck next time, sir.
How does it feel to lose? Hey! Do you think Kayla and I will, you know, get it together? Oh, I don't think there's a spell big enough for that.
Of course there is! It's called the old lolaus charm.
Well, that's not a spell.
That's a curse.