It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s06e02 Episode Script

Hey! Hi.
Hey.
Come back to bed and snuggle with me.
Oh.
I wish I could, but I got to go to work.
But there's cab fare on the nightstand.
That's the third morning in a row you've done that.
We're married.
I'm already home, silly.
Right.
Y-You're here.
We're married, and that's cool.
I'm psyched, dude.
That's great.
So you're- Yeah.
Okay.
Well, you could use the cab fare to get to work.
- Oh, I don't work.
- Oh.
Okay.
I just thought maybe you weren't going to work recently because we were going through a little bit of a honeymoon phase.
- But you're saying that you don't have a job.
- No job.
- No job at all.
- Mmm.
- Wow.
- All yours.
- All mine.
All mine all the time.
- All the time.
Okay.
Except on my work days.
I do have to go to work.
So, that's cool though.
You can just hang out here, I guess and sort of get used to the lay of the land or whatever.
Although don't go snooping around too much.
'Cause this has all happened very fast and I haven't really had time to do a pass yet.
Don't- Don't look in those drawers.
What- What's in those drawers? My sex tapes.
Yeah.
- All right, I got to go to work.
- I love you.
I love you too, Maureen.
Uhh! Okay.
Look, dude.
All I'm saying is that you started off our domestic partnership on some very shaky, uh - very bullshitty ground, dude.
And I'm saying, Charlie, you should get over it, move on.
You signed the prenup.
Case closed.
You told me it was the phone bill, man.
Of course I signed it.
Why would you think that you needed to sign a phone bill? Uh- I can't keep track of our financial comings and goings.
When he hands me something to sign and it's about money and papers, I sign it.
Hey-o! Look who got a brand-new car.
I'm still a little bit confused as to why in the hell you two got married in the first place.
Yeah, Charlie gets health insurance, and I get diddly squat.
He's gonna get some perks.
He doesn't trust me.
Why in the hell are you bathing yourself in the sink? Because I don't have a home anymore.
- This is where I take a shower.
This is where I live, Dennis.
Texting me again.
This is pathetic.
Back me up on this, Dennis.
You got a prenup with Maureen, right? Uh, no, I did not.
Should I have? Should you have? You are screwed! Typical.
This is so typical.
My God! Dee, you clearly have something you want to say.
So let's just get it over with.
Oh, no.
No, it's no big deal.
It's just Bill Ponderosa.
He's, like, obsessed with me now or something.
He's texting me all the time.
He calls me, like, nonstop.
He bought me a new car.
Dee, are you seriously bragging about sleeping with a married man? Yeah, one second you're on your high horse about how great marriage is and now you're destroying one? - I'm not the one who's married.
I didn't do anything wrong.
- You let him buy you a car.
Well, Frank, I'm not gonna go passing on free cars.
Guys.
Guys, guys, guys, guys.
All this talk about marriage and Dee being such a whore has got me thinking.
I never got a bachelor party.
We should go to the strip club.
- Right now? - Yeah! Immediately! And since you would have been my best man, you should probably throw it for me.
Yeah.
What? No way, dude.
I'm so pissed at you for throwing me out of the apartment.
Yeah, and I'm still pretty pissed about you not throwing me a bachelor party.
So this way I figure we'll be even.
I'm ready for this.
Being married to Charlie's got me all confused.
I gotta get my hetero on.
# Wanna get dirty Dirty # # I'm gonna make your body hot, girl # # Make you sweat # # I'm gonna give you the time of your life, yeah # I like that move.
What is that, a little motorcycle? That's pretty- Yeah, not like that though.
It's pretty good.
But you gotta use a little bit more shoulder.
I like the way he's doing it.
'Cause I'm like- I'm-I'm bending the bike.
But that's not really how you drive a motorcycle.
- Yeah, but you're not really driving a motorcycle.
- It's my thing, okay? - All right.
- If you're not gonna take it seriously - Then don't do it.
- I felt like I was doing it pretty good.
I feel like you're taking it too seriously.
- Let's not fight.
It's a bachelor party.
- Oh! I got a text.
I got a text from the woman.
"Miss you.
" I'll just write back "Miss you too.
" Now do I write the word "too," or should I write the number "2"? - What's the best way to do that when we're texting? - Who cares, dude? I'll do the word.
Okay, great! Frank, what's with the purse? This is my money bag.
I'm gonna make it rain, baby.
Whoa! Hold on.
Make it rain? What is that? You're gonna chuck money everywhere? Don't do that.
- Will you lighten up? - I'd like to make it rain.
Can I make it rain, Mac? Why are you asking me? Dude, 'cause I can't fund my own bachelor party.
That's just tacky.
Fine.
Excuse me.
Hi.
What is the recommended amount of money for one to make it rain? I'd say at least a thousand.
How much would it cost for this gentleman and I to get a nice couple's dance? Uh, sorry.
You have to be a couple for that.
We are a couple.
Charlie, documents.
- All right, this is what it was all for.
- Mm-hmm.
- Look at this.
We're married.
- Yeah.
Oh, you guys are cute.
You're still gonna have to pay full price.
- Screw this.
I'm gonna go make it rain.
- All right.
Hang on a second.
Give me some money.
Let's go.
I'm your husband.
Give me some money.
- Here it is.
- What is this? I'm tightening the purse strings on this relationship until there's a little bit of give-and-take.
You know what? Keep your money.
I don't need your little allowance.
We'll see.
Oh, "miss you more.
" That's classic Maureen right there.
She's always got to one-up me for some - some reason.
And so I'll write back what? I don't care.
"Miss you most.
" Most.
Can't get more than most, right? So that should - that should be the end of it, right? So I hope so.
Oh, man.
You just cannot get enough, huh? Sorry for just showing up, but you weren't responding to my texts.
No, I totally get it.
Once you pop, you can't stop, am I right? Actually, I came clean to my wife, and she kicked me out of the house.
- Ooh.
Ouch.
- Yeah.
Bet you wish you could take that one back, huh? So I was thinking maybe I could stay here tonight.
- Oh.
- Well, you are somewhat responsible for this.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Can't you stay in a hotel or something? I would, but she froze my assets.
Yikes.
Shit's getting pretty real for you, huh? But nonetheless, uh, I really, like I said, I don't want you in my space.
So there's got to be a lot of other places that you could stay that aren't, you know, here.
Dee, I gave you a car.
- Oh, you're gonna jam the car in my face, huh? - Mmm.
Come in.
Thanks.
- # The boys are back in town # - # Boys are back in town # # The boys are back in town # # Da da da da da # # Da da da da da da da da da # # The boys are back in town # - Whoo! - Dennis! Hey! What are you doing? It is 2:00 in the morning.
I was sleeping, Dennis.
That's cool.
Well, you're up now, baby girl.
So let's do some shots! No.
I don't drink.
You know that.
I think it makes people look ugly.
- I - - Maybe I should go to my room.
That is not your room anymore.
It is my craft studio.
So kindly stay out of there.
- Don't freak, dude.
It's-It's all good, dude.
- What? She turned it into her craft studio where she makes terrible sweatshirts out of cats, or puts cats in sweatshirts and then I'm, like, dude, what the hell did you do? What? Dennis, do not talk to me that way.
I am your wife.
Please show me some respect in front of your friends.
Uh, you know what? I'm not entirely certain that you are my wife.
'Cause I remember marrying Maureen Ponderosa.
And you are no Maureen Ponderosa.
That doesn't even - I don't know what that- What? - Divorce! - What? What did you just say? I will divorce you, Maureen.
I'll do it.
Okay, you're drunk.
Why don't we just go to bed - I'm not drunk.
I'm more sober than I've ever been in my entire life.
Okay, I'm a little bit drunk - I'm totally drunk, but my mind is sober.
And my mind's telling me the following: I don't love you, Maureen.
I don't love you.
I never loved you.
You're annoying, and you're strange.
I don't know what to say.
Don't say anything.
'Cause every time you open your mouth, I'm, like, ohh! It's like her breath is, like, always so bad.
It's like a dead tooth - It's the dead tooth.
I'm saying it now.
I'll say it.
You have a dead tooth.
You realize that, right? And I hate it! And it's annoying! I want you and your boy toy out of my apartment now! I'm the boy toy.
You're my boy toy.
No, I'm not gonna leave our apartment - Or should I say my apartment - 'cause it's my apartment.
Oh, yeah? How about if you guys don't leave I call the cops and I tell them you beat me? What in the hell are you talking about? I didn't touch you.
What-What - What are you doing? What is that? - I recognize that.
What is that? - Oh, shit! That's from - That's from Fear, dude.
- Oh, that's Marky Mark.
- That's Marky Mark.
That's what Marky Mark does.
He does that.
And then, um - Oh, shit, and then the cops come and he gets - - The police think that William Peterson - - And he gets it.
- The guy from C.
S.
I.
- - Go! She means business.
- She means business.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
- You are really making yourself at home here, huh? - Yeah.
- Sorry.
You want to have sex? - What? No.
No.
God, no.
Please close your legs up.
That's - Listen, I-I don't want to get into your personal life, you know what I mean? It's not really any of my business.
But this is really bumming me out, okay? So here's what I'd like to do.
I'd like to talk game plan with you, okay? And number one, and most importantly, uh, the car.
Now hear me out.
It was kind of a gift.
So it'd be pretty rude of you to try and - - I don't give a shit about the car, okay? My life is in ruins.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna lose my kids.
- Okay, great.
So we're in agreement.
I keep the car.
That's wonderful.
Now secondly - and this is gonna be kind of hard to hear - but, um, get out! Get out! You gotta go back to your wife, okay, and get out of my place! Okay, well, I'm gonna need the car to get over there.
Well, the car's off the table, okay? We just discussed the car and we came to an agreement that - Stop bringing up the car, okay? So I'll get dressed and I'll drive you over there and I'll drop you off.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Well, get up.
Oh, God.
I don't- I don't - Okay, I'm gonna go in here.
Jesus.
You know, I wouldn't have imagined the whole thing going down the way it did.
It was a little uncomfortable.
I'm glad we got our little "heart-to-heart" - or whatever you want to call it - out of the way.
I feel like now we can set aside our differences and settle this whole divorce pretty amicably.
- You think it's gonna be that easy, dude? - Well, yeah, of course.
I mean, marriage and divorce these days is like more of a formality than anything else.
It's just sort of something that you do, right? Don't snap at me, Charlie! You bring nothing to the table! - Oh! Oh! - Nothing! This is my money! - I bring nothing to the table! - You bring nothing to the table! Oh, really? Do you ever stop for one second and think about "Hey, hey, where do all of the groceries come from - Frank, okay?" - Ohh! "Oh, how did my laundry get so clean?" "Oh, oh, who washed all the dishes today?" Nobody washes the dishes! We eat the food directly off the coffee table and you know it! I cannot stand being married to you! You can't stand it? I'm gonna pull the plug.
- You're gonna flush our marriage down the toilet? - Right down the toilet! - Flush it, big boy! - Yes! There we go! - Flush it down the toilet 'cause I don't care! - Oh, yeah? I'm gonna pull the plug, but first I'm gonna draw up some documents.
This is gonna be an ugly-ass divorce.
We're gonna get a mediator.
Okay, I got it.
We'll get that idiot lawyer that helps us out.
He does good by us.
Yeah, he's excellent.
But he slapped a restraining order on us.
We can't use him.
- Also, you need a lawyer too.
We should talk about that.
- I need a lawyer? For what? How are you not grasping this situation? - Oh, for the divorce.
Yeah.
- The divorce.
- You getting a divorce? - Yeah.
All right, so it's going around.
Okay, I think I know someone who will take both our cases.
Ah.
Is it you? Is it? 'Cause if it's you, I'm not interested.
Well, I have a family member who's a lawyer.
I bet he'd do it.
It's coming up here.
This- Yeah, this is it right here.
Ponderosa's Ponderosa.
Could you wait a minute? I just want to make sure it's okay.
Yeah, you know, whatever it's gonna take to wrap this up, really.
Maureen? No, it's Dee.
How are things going on your end? Oh, not bad.
Yeah, not bad.
I'm getting a divorce.
Well, I know how that goes.
Got a messy situation going on on my end too.
Had to let my guy go.
Had to cut him loose.
I tell you what though.
I do love the car.
Hands-free, Blue - - I can do all kinds of stuff with both hands.
Dennis? Did we get cut off? - Okay, hop in there.
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this? What are you doing? Here he goes.
Okay, go, go.
- What? - Go! Go! Oh, my God! I'm so glad you called, Charlie.
Your uncle never hears from you anymore.
Well, you're kinda the only actual lawyer I know who doesn't have a restraining order against me - So I sort of had to call you - - Hey, hey, I-I miss you too, bud.
Mmm, with the touching.
With the touching.
None of that.
You're put off by my hands.
I know they're very small.
It's been very hard on me.
There's nothing wrong with your hands, okay? Can we just focus on the law? Of course.
All right.
As far as shared assets, I'm not seeing much.
- I'm keeping the hot plate! - Over my dead body! Hey, hey, hey! Easy, boys.
Don't let the dog off the leash, okay? Remember, the bigger man walks away first.
He can have the hot plate.
Oh! Hot dog! Now we're cooking with gas! Moving along to art holdings.
All I'm seeing is a series of drawings of elephants.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Well, Charlie did the elephant drawings.
- Yeah, but - - You should keep 'em.
- I did those for you, man.
- I like 'em.
Well, you should like 'em.
I put a lot of work into 'em.
And thank you for saying you like 'em.
- I've seen 'em, and I like 'em too.
- Yeah, they're good.
I'll keep the drawings, okay? If I didn't know any better I'd say there's a lot of love in this room.
Look, Jack, we just want to get back to where we were.
Sounds like what you guys want is an annulment.
It would essentially void your partnership.
- Yeah.
Right.
That sounds perfect.
- Marriage blows.
Preaching to the choir, fellas.
All right.
I just need both your signatures on here.
All right, that's easy enough.
Easy-peasy.
One.
Two! We did it! That's it.
Your union has hereby been dissolved.
Why did we have to do all the touching and the hand holding if it was just - It was fun.
Hey, Mac.
You mind snapping a photo for the Web site? But keep my hands out of the shot.
I'll put 'em down here.
You guys.
You guys, I need help.
I don't know what to do.
I just kidnapped Bill Ponderosa's kids.
All right.
Are the kids confined in any way? - Maybe in a crawl space or a backyard bunker? - No.
They're out in the car.
- Have you touched them yet? - Absolutely not.
What- Who is this man? Don't- You're- You don't need to - - What is she, some cheap tramp? - Oh, no! Oh, my God! You are such an asshole! I followed you, okay? - I knew you were seeing someone else! - Honey, no - Hi.
Hi, there.
I'm Dee.
Uh, I understand that.
Listen, I want to just say I'm really sorry about- about the kids.
I tell you what, I did not mean to kidnap them.
That was all- That was all this guy.
They're not my kids.
- Aren't you his wife? - No.
I'm his mistress.
Well, what the hell, man? - I'm taking my car back.
- Nuh-uh.
That's my car.
- Actually, I loaned it to both of you ladies.
You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kill you! What? How many mistresses do you have? Mistress? I'm his wife! Kids, let's go.
- Yeah, come on, kids.
Let's go home.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Not you, Bill.
Now I want this to be over with right now! - So how much does he owe you? - What? How much does he owe you, whore? How much does he owe you for the sex? Oh.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
I'm not a prostitute.
I think that's- that's clear.
- You know? - Oh.
Well, congratulations.
You're the only woman he didn't have to pay to sleep with.
You must be very proud of yourself.
Wait! No, no! Oh, goddamn it! Yeah.
Well, the, uh, gravity of my situation just set in.
- So - - Let's go get you a divorce, huh? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Definitely.
- Yep.
You guys, uh, have any questions? Yeah, I got a question.
What's in the fanny pack? Oh, check this out, Mac and Dennis.
Just a little victory dance.
Thought maybe we could hang out later.
No- Um - Oh, Mr.
Reynolds.
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
What are you doing here? Well, when I heard you were getting divorced I-I felt compelled to involve myself.
I'm sorry.
How would you have heard that I was getting a divorce? I-I-I may have told him.
I so enjoyed listening to you drunkenly explain all that at 3:00 a.
m.
I enjoyed it so much that I tracked down Maureen here and I offered her my services, pro bono, of course.
Hold on, fellas.
I'm Jack Kelly.
I'm a lawyer.
Hello, Jack Kelly.
The pleasure is all mine.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- The pleasure's still - - Why don't we just get started? - Why don't we just get started? Ahh.
- Boy, the old place, huh? - Uhh - - Yeah.
- Some good memories here.
All of us.
Hey, um - - So I was like - - I'm gonna go.
No, no, no.
No, stick around, dude.
Stick- Stick around.
- Please don't - - I don't want to though.
- No, you should stay.
- Yeah.
- Shea butter.
- Oh.
- Assorted lanolin products.
- Oh, God.
I'm serious.
You could be a hand model.
You've got the goods.
Well, that was quick, guys.
Open-and-shut case, Dennis.
- Okay.
- Did you get the apartment back? I sure did.
You did? You did? And you also acquired Miss Ponderosa's debt.
What? You're in debt? Not anymore.
But you are.
About 90K.
This guy seems to think you don't have a case and I'm inclined to agree with him.
Yeah.
When I found out that Miss Ponderosa here had been cast out of her marital home I-I only thought it was fair that you assumed her debt in addition to the alimony payments, of course.
Wait a second.
So I gotta pay alimony payments? Uncle Jack, what the hell? I-I froze up.
He's great.
Oh, congratulations, Ms.
Ponderosa.
Oh, congratulations to you.
See you around, Dennis.
- Yeah.
- Mac.
Hey, Mac, would you mind taking a shot of the three of us for the Web site? Come on, Dennis.
And would it be okay if you put your hands on top of mine - Like they're my hands? - Like that? - Yes.
- Okay.
- That looks like my hands.
- Yeah.
For the Web site.
We're lawyers.