Lovejoy (1986) s06e02 Episode Script

Time to pay, Lovejoy.
You know that feeling you get, when a brown envelope drops through the door, postmarked Lytham St Anne's, and you remember that Premium Bond you got, all those years ago as a birthday present? Beth did a house clearance last week.
Spotted a picture which turned out to be an Old Crome.
Feels just like that brown envelope postmarked Lytham St Anne's.
Cox, possibly.
- Old Crome.
- Definitely.
- Might go to eight.
- You'll go to 12.
- Huh! 11? - Cash? You want to try joining the 20th century, Lovejoy.
Banker's draft.
Deal.
I'll put it in the post.
Nice doing business with you, Mr Bellamy! - 11 grand! - 11 grand.
- 11 grand.
- 11 grand! ALL: 11 grand! Yes! Time to celebrate.
Happy birthday, Beth.
Oh! Two days early.
How did you know? - He's a divvy.
- Like me.
Tinker's got you a present, haven't you? - I thought you were gonna pick it up.
- Me? I distinctly remember you saying you'd pick it up.
- You found it - Long arm of the law.
- Ah, Dennis! - TINKER: Dennis! Just in time to celebrate Beth's first solo effort.
- She's spotted an Old Crome.
- An Old Crome?! Well! - It's a painting, Dennis.
- Oh.
What can we do for you? - Whatever it is, we deny all the charges.
- Take a look at this.
Picked it up in a car boot sale this morning.
Oh, yes! Taiwan, 1990.
It's Hong Kong actually, but you got the date right.
- You're not saying that's a fake?! - I wouldn't dignify it with the word.
Hello, Foxy.
Everything ready? I talked to the estate agent.
You can move in as soon as you pay the deposit.
Good.
And you'll need to get this over to Cavendish's.
What's the limit on this tallboy, Lovejoy? No, six grand, Tink, but it's nice.
Very, very nice.
Now, don't start going barmy with Bellamy's cheque.
Mwah! You owe Desmond Dexter five, Charlie Harris three.
There's Beth's birthday present.
- Ah! - This place needs reroofing and rewiring.
Get in, Tink.
Why are you always in such a rush? I don't know! Maybe it's the effect you have on me.
Lovejoy, "All of man's misfortunes derive from one thing.
"His inability to sit quietly at home.
" Pascal.
Famous French philosopher.
What's that in French, then? Relax, Lovejoy, the auction doesn't start till 11:00.
- 10:30.
- It's that now.
Come along, ladies and gentlemen.
Surely you can do better than this for me on my return? To Desmond Dexter.
- (SIGHING) - AUCTIONEER: Lot 39.
A late 19th-century carved ivory chess set.
Late 19th-century carved ivory chess set What's old Sam doing back? hasn't been like it one on the market since 1965.
Would someone like to start me off at £5,000? Thank you, sir.
Six? Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
9,000.
Lovejoy.
At £11,000, then.
- 12.
- (GASPING AND MUMBLING) Any more? For £12,000, then, Lovejoy Antiques.
A cheque, Lovejoy? Springy? - Banker's draft, actually.
- So it is! - And the rest? - Cash.
Ah! Now we know where we are.
Well, what do you think of that? Do come in, Dad.
The old Sam Cavendish touch, eh? Hello, Lovejoy.
- Tinker.
- Sam.
Get bored with all that tax-free sunshine? Wife got bored with me, actually.
Ran off with a gigolo.
- Celia? - Julia.
Celia was number three.
- Can't keep track.
- Join the club.
She went AWOL with a disc jockey.
Bloody toy boy, at her age! - She's 25, Dad! - There's no loyalty any more.
- I gave her everything.
- (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) - Nice to have Sam back.
- Oh! - What? Not so nice? Oh, I love him to death, but he still thinks I'm in pigtails riding a pony! - Could you phone me about that?! - Lovejoy! - Char! Charlotte! - Oh, God! Look, are we still on for lunch tomorrow? - One o'clock.
The Crown.
I booked it.
- Don't be late.
I'm impatient by nature.
- SAM: Charlotte! - It's hereditary.
Lovejoy.
£12,000.
Why? Had a feeling, Tink.
Had a feeling.
You've even moved the bloody gents! I went to take a leak, found myself in the blasted ladies! There are signs everywhere, Dad! I know there are! You've changed everything! I need a blasted tour guide to find my way round me own place! (HORN TOOTING) - By the way, you and Lovejoy.
- Yes? Nothing serious, is it? I mean lunch "a deux" at The Crown? Why? Don't you approve? Would any responsible father? How did you know we were having lunch anyway? - It's in your desk diary.
- Bloody cheek! Mr Hardy? It's Norris here.
Shall I come up? I'm downstairs.
- No.
- Right you are.
- How much did it fetch? - 12 grand.
Lovejoy bought it.
Lovejoy bought it? Well, there's an unexpected bonus.
It's beautiful.
In fact, it's positively poetic.
- Tinker.
- Oh-oh.
Afternoon, Lovejoy.
Always a pleasure, Dexter.
- That five grand.
- What about it? - When's the due date on that, Tink? - The 10th.
- Well, there you go, then.
- Today is the 10th.
- Is it? - Yep.
Five to twelve, though.
Legally, I've got till midnight, haven't I? - I'll tell you what.
- What? I'll take this off your hands for 12, - and we'll forget about the five.
- Lovejoy.
- Why the sudden change of heart, Desmond? - Lovejoy.
- You been speaking to some experts? - Lovejoy! - What? - That clock is an hour slow.
- It's five to one.
- Exactly.
- Hey! - (LAUGHING) Don't worry.
He's a fanatic for punctuality.
Charlotte! You won't believe - You're too late this time, Lovejoy.
- What?! If you can't make it on time, don't bother coming at all! (PHONE RINGING) I said no calls, Kate.
Well, I don't want to speak to Lovejoy! Sorry.
I was promised a four-course lunch and ended up with a ham sandwich.
- Lost faith in the post office, Mr Hardy? - Never had much to lose.
- But that's not why I came in person.
- Really? I wanted to take a closer look at Cavendish Auctions and at you.
You're very direct.
The effect of wealth on personality.
I'm what they call these days - seriously rich.
How nice for you! I've had my eye on Cavendish for some time.
I think you're ready to join the grown-ups.
Interested? Fascinated.
Worth discussing over lunch? I think I can do better than a ham sandwich.
What about Thursday? - Thursday's fine.
- I'm told The Crown is rather good.
- Ever tried it? - I came close.
I've got about half a million to play with.
I know.
Disgusting, isn't it? - Have you gone stark, staring mad?! - I don't think so.
What the hell's wrong with what we've got?! Nothing! What was wrong with your father's market stall? Nothing.
- But you wanted more, didn't you? - Listen to me, Charlotte! I've seen it all before! Perfectly sound businesses go up the spout because some idiot gets delusions of grandeur.
Well, it's not going to happen to Cavendish and Son! I've had just about as much as I can take of this! You've done nothing but criticise and interfere since you came back! You can't even keep your nose out of my private diary! - I built this business! - And I own it.
And I shall run it any way I damn well like! - Charlotte! Charlotte! - (DOOR SLAMMING) - It'll do.
- Gave three grand for it.
- Receipt? - Cash deal.
No questions asked.
Safer that way.
Three grand for the car.
Care to include the other items in the price? - Sure, Mr Hunter.
- Hardy.
Hardy.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Lovejoy Antiques.
Martin Farquar.
- Martin! Did you get the Polaroids? - Mmm.
I think you could be onto a winner, but I need to do more research.
I should have the answer by the end of the day.
That be all right? You take as long as you like.
Talk to you later.
(LAUGHING WILDLY) - (HORN TOOTING) - Beth, sit down.
It's for me.
She looks great, Tink! Bit of trouble with her big end, but she's all right now.
Fabulous, come on.
BOTH: Beth! BOTH: Happy birthday! - Say hello to Miriam.
- Elizabeth Taylor's car.
- Oh, wow! - (ALL LAUGHING) I always knew there was a reason I got that name! Lovejoy.
Oh, no, I've got to be in Bury in an hour, Tink.
Well, Beth can drive you.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Gotta answer that! - Saved by the bell? - Bye.
Well, come on, Tink, let's go for some Formula One! - (REVS ENGINE AND TOOTS HORN) - (LAUGHING) Well, what d'you think? Very nice, but not exactly my style.
After 15 years in Broadmoor, I'd have thought anything would be a palace What about the garden? Agent says a bloke comes up every Saturday from the village.
I'll be long gone.
So will Lovejoy.
- Mr Hunter? - Hardy.
Sorry, Hardy.
- I'm not happy about all of this.
- Do you think I am? Do you think 15 years of my life wasted makes me happy? You've got a much better reason to hate Lovejoy than I You've got your advance.
We have a legal contract.
Understand? Now, get on with it.
- (CAR PHONE RINGING) - Charlotte Cavendish.
Peter Hardy.
I'm sorry about this, something urgent's cropped up, and I've got to stay by the fax.
Would you mind terribly if we had lunch chez moi? I can promise you a drinkable '76 Petrus.
Sounds lovely.
- That's very good of you.
- See you later.
Bye.
(FAULTY TONE) Mr Hardy.
Very good of you to come.
Do you mind if I use your telephone? I need to call my office and my car phone's playing up.
- Oh, damn things! In here.
- Thank you.
How strange! Most of these pieces (PHONE CLATTERS TO FLOOR) Most of these pieces? Most of these pieces were sold through Cavendish Auction Rooms.
- About a year ago.
- You're a smart woman, Ms Cavendish.
It will be a pleasure to kill you.
Ahh - (PHONE RINGING) - Yes? - Look on the television.
- Charlotte?! (LINE DEAD TONE) Lovejoy.
Lovejoy, this is for real.
He's going to kill me at exactly noon tomorrow.
But he's giving you a chance to find me.
- The first clue is in my office.
- (BELLS CHIMING ON TAPE) If you contact the police I'm dead.
Am I still alive, or was that an out-of-body experience? - I wasn't that bad.
- Get in the back, Beth! - Tink, get back in.
- Not on your nellie! Tinker! Get back in! (PHONE RINGING) (LAUGHING) The circus is on the move.
- Lovejoy? Lovejoy! - No, not now.
Desmond, there's a genuine crisis on, all right? She was having lunch with Mr Hardy, and she was due back here at three for a meeting.
You know what she's like about punctuality.
So when she didn't turn up, I rang The Crown on the mobile.
Our phone here was still out.
They said they had no booking.
- I've called Sam.
I had to.
- Who's this Hardy? A client.
We sold that chess set for him.
The one you bought.
Signed "Mr Dino".
What is this? Games? "Makes the politician wise" is in quotes.
You got a dictionary of quotations, Kate? Yes, we have.
LOVEJOY: "The William and The George.
" There's a William IV at Lower Fawley, and a George at Lockton.
- So what comes between them? - Half the county.
No, hang on.
There's a King George at Churchstanton.
King, that's it.
King William, King George.
Who comes between them? Queen Anne.
Coffee.
Alexander Pope.
"Coffee which makes the politician wise.
" Coffee, Queen Anne? Queen Anne coffeepot.
That's what we're looking for.
A Queen Anne coffeepot.
And "Shop around" must mean a local dealer.
I think you're right, Beth.
Right, you two, phone around the local dealers and find out who's had a Queen Anne coffeepot in, in the last few days.
Mr Dino.
What's this? An anagram? Monrid Come on, Lovejoy.
If you can't do it, give it to Tinker.
You're the crossword genius, eh? What is it? Dinmore? Nimrod! Nimrod? What's that? A Biblical reference? It's Genesis.
"Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the Lord" Hunter D'you think Max Hunter? - Who's Max Hunter? - Nothing.
No, it can't be! It can't be Max Hunter.
Of course it can, Tink! Games.
It's got his MO all over it.
Lovejoy! What's going on? Sam, um Can I see you outside, a minute? You see it on TV.
You never think it'll happen to you.
Sam, I think we're dealing with Max Hunter.
Oh, great! - OK, thank you.
Bye.
- Thanks for your help.
Bye.
We've got to go to the police.
- The tape said no police.
- I don't give a stuff! She's my daughter! - We've till noon tomorrow.
I'll find her.
- You and whose army? OK, let me call the police.
The lads have all changed since you were around.
- Why Charlotte? Does she know him? - It's me he's after.
- It's got nothing to do with Charlotte.
- It has now.
Mr Bellamy, I told you it was an Old Crome.
Perhaps next time you'll believe me! We're looking for a Queen Anne coffeepot.
Dennis, I need a favour.
Max Hunter.
Wasn't he sent to Broadmoor for murdering his wife? That's the one.
Is he out? Can you check for me? Yeah, yeah, no problem.
Cheers, Dennis.
Funny, we never know what we value most till we stand to lose it.
Lovejoy! We've got it! It's at old man Bellamy's.
Came in yesterday.
Tinker! Here we are.
Came in yesterday.
Wasn't there when I bought it.
- Oh, clue two.
- TINKER: Who sold it to you? - Violet Carswell.
- Excuse me.
I've known her for years.
Sweetest old lady.
That's not who we're looking for! "Read, mark, learn, inwardly digest.
"Add a former sign and look on the grid.
" - What the hell's that mean? - "Read, mark" to do with hallmark? Yeah.
(MUTTERING) 1710 - 1710 - Grid? Grid.
Well, that must mean a map reference, mustn't it? In which case, we'd need six numbers.
Four there.
1710.
One seven, one zero.
What the hell does it mean?! Then "add a former sign.
" What's another word for former? Come on! Be imaginative.
- Sounds like a crossword clue.
- Well, Max was a freak for those.
- What's another word for former? - Past.
- Late? - Ex.
- Ex.
- X! Roman numerals! - BETH: Ten! - ALL: One seven, one zero, one zero! What's that about a sign, Tink? Former sign? "Add a former sign, and look on the grid.
" - Sign.
Sign, sign.
Road sign? - Pub sign.
V-sign.
V-sign.
X, V.
There's our six numbers.
One seven, one zero, one five.
Thank you! - Um, glasses! - Oh! Yeah.
Come on! He's gonna suss this, you know.
I'm paying you to do a job, not provide a running commentary.
All right! All right! HUNTER: (SNORTING WITH LAUGHTER) That's panic.
Why are you doing this to me? He stole the most precious thing in my life.
I'm going to do the same to him.
- This is it.
- Can't be.
Let me see the map.
- Um, Lovejoy.
- What? What?! What Sam? He's playing games with you.
This isn't the way, Lovejoy.
I'm going to the police.
(SIGHING) That coffeepot, Tink.
- What do you mean, it's not right? - Just something about it.
There it is.
The lid.
It's either been replaced or repaired, which means Excuse me, Mr Bellamy.
Yeah.
Different hallmark.
1809.
Add fifteen.
ALL: One eight, zero nine, one five.
- Let's go.
- Thank you, Mr Bellamy.
Nicole Freres.
Mean anything to you? - No.
Is that it? - That's it.
Max Hunter was released from Broadmoor three months ago.
We've had Sam Cavendish in.
He's raising hell.
Chief Constable, local MP.
Got a specialist unit on its way from the Met.
There's nothing I can do to stop them, Lovejoy.
(PHONE RINGING) - Yeah? - Martin Farquar.
Good news.
That set was made in Peking, in 1890.
Commissioned by the last Empress of China, presented to Czar Nicholas II after the Boxer Rebellion.
I've checked out the provenance.
Last owner I can trace is Max Hunter, right? That's right.
Thanks, Martin.
Be in touch.
- Who is Max Hunter? - He was a dealer, Beth.
Specialised in antique games.
Like this one.
I knew there was something special about it.
I was friendly with him and his wife, Helen.
Dangerous word - friendly.
Capable of infinite misinterpretations.
She was always needing a shoulder to cry on, so one night, I took her to dinner.
From then on, Max convinced himself that she was having an affair with me.
- Was she? - No.
We were friends.
- Ironic, isn't it, Beth? - Why? - Cos he murdered her anyway.
- No! Then, Dennis, what is he doing back on the street? Shrink said he was OK.
Released him to "the care of the community.
" How can they do that?! Because he's the most plausible "crazy" you'll ever meet.
Lovejoy.
Cavendish is kicking up a real stink.
Officially, I've got to be seen to be warning you off, but, unofficially, I think you should go for it.
We haven't had this conversation.
You see me with him, I'm going to be saying something totally different.
- Thanks, Dennis.
I understand.
- OK.
Got it! Nicole Freres.
"19th-century Swiss firm, specialising in musical boxes.
" Daisy West! (MUSICAL BOXES PLAY AT ONCE) Lovejoy! (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) Ah, how nice.
Bach, isn't it? Suite Number 3 in D.
Air On A G String.
- (POP RECORD PLAYS) - Any idea what this is? Bump 'n' grind, Lovejoy, bump 'n' grind.
- Strippers! - BOTH: Daisy?! - The Chippendales! - Yes! Who deals in Chippendale round here? Pedestal desk next to the tallboy.
You pick your moments, don't you? I'm getting ready for a dinner party.
- About that five grand - You pick your moments, don't you? Another Bible reference.
Mark four, verse nine.
Got a Bible, Dexter? - What? - As a matter of fact, he has.
St Mark chapter 4, verse 9.
"And he saith unto them, 'He that has ears to hear, let him hear.
'" This is gonna cost you, Lovejoy.
I don't think you realise what you've done.
a PhD in Sanskrit.
I've been wining and dining her for months, and tonight She'll never forgive me for this.
Going to kill me at exactly noon tomorrow.
There.
The chimes.
D'you hear them? Can you enhance them? Yeah, sure.
No problem.
(CHURCH BELLS RING ON TAPE) No doubt about it.
A carillon of ten bells.
Quite rare in this part of the country.
By Samuel Smith of York - the son not the father.
Made about 1720.
- St Ewold's, Lower Matchingham.
- Thank you, Cyril.
I'm off.
You lot stay here.
If that's all right with Freddy.
Whatever you say, Lovejoy! CHARLOTTE: Lovejoy! Lovejoy! Lovejoy! Lovejoy! Lovejo Quite the little actress, isn't she? With the right director, of course.
Smile.
You're on Candid Camera.
Knew you'd twig the church clock, with a little help from dear old Rev Spottiswode.
You've a first-class mind, Lovejoy.
It's a pleasure to read it.
Think you're slipping, Max.
Really? Hmm.
If this is supposed to be the perfect revenge, why Charlotte? - We're not even holding hands.
- Just good friends? Mmm.
Like you and Helen? That's right, Max.
Helen and I were friends.
Same old Lovejoy.
Always some story! Anything rather than pay on the due date! Well, tomorrow at noon, I finally foreclose.
Helen and I were married in this church, you know.
Max.
Seems like yesterday.
Goodbye, Lovejoy.
Max! Max? Max! (POUNDING ON DOOR) (LAUGHING) - Woo-hoo! - (KEYS RATTLE) (LAUGHING) (CHURCH BELL RINGS) MAX: As I say A pleasure to read your mind.
Keep ringing, Lovejoy.
Someone will come, eventually.
If you ever get out, there's a last little clue back at the shop.
- Ciao.
- (BELLS RING) How much is he paying you? How does thirty grand sound? (STOPS BEATING EGGS) (STARTS AGAIN) Well? What's wrong with 50? All right.
But no clever stuff.
Stop! Wait there.
Now, remember what I said.
No tricks.
Argh! (GROANING) A wild goose chase, I'm afraid, Lovejoy.
You never had a chance of finding her.
I just wanted to give you a taste of what I've been through since you took Helen from me.
Now is the due date.
Now you pay.
Noon today.
I wanted to give you a taste of what I've been through since you took Helen from me.
Now is the due date.
Now you pay.
Noon today.
There must be something we can do.
Something we've missed.
Something we've overlooked.
For God's sake, Tink, Max has thought of everything.
He's been planning this for years! Cup of tea, Beth? - There you are, Tink.
- Thanks.
Sorry about earlier.
Sam said something.
We don't realise what we value until we stand to lose it.
He's going to kill me at exactly noon tomorrow.
But he's giving you a chance to find me.
The first clue is in my office.
He's going to kill me at exactly noon tomorrow.
But he's giving you a chance to find me.
Tink! Beth! I want you to look at this.
Come on! - (REWINDS THE TAPE) - Now, look.
When she turns her head.
Right? I think she's trying to tell us something, trying to show us something.
The first clue is in my office.
Maybe it's something reflected in the chair.
It's highly polished.
- LOVEJOY: And the chair itself? - TINKER: Jacobean.
Oak armchair.
- Do well at auction.
- Auction.
That's it! Auction.
Cavendish Auction Rooms.
That chair, Tink, it went through there a while ago.
Oh, Charlotte, you clever girl! Come on! TAPE: Helen and I were friends.
(TAPE IS REWOUND AND PLAYED REPEATEDLY) That's right, Max.
Helen and I were friends.
Lies trip so fluently off his tongue, don't they? I think I've got it.
Arthur Brodie, Meadow House, Packer's Lane, near Langford.
Langford's the middle of nowhere! Phone Dennis.
Lovejoy.
Lovejoy, this is for real.
He's going to kill me at exactly noon tomorrow.
But he's giving you a chance to find me.
(ENGINE SPLUTTERS) The first clue is in my office.
- If you contact the police, I'm dead.
- (HE REWINDS TAPE) The first clue is in my office.
The first clue is in my office.
(CAR WILL NOT START) Having a little trouble, Lovejoy? Yeah.
Lovejoy? Lovejoy! Lovejoy! Half the stuff in the house passed through Cavendish Auctions, you said.
Did that include this chair? Of course it did.
Do you think Lovejoy's cute enough to twig? Let's find out.
(PHONE RINGING) Kate? It's me.
I I I'm out, and I'm fine.
Where are you? I want to speak to Lovejoy.
He found out where you were.
He's on his way.
He'll be there (LINE DEAD) D'you know, I've had an inspiration.
Kate? It's me.
I I I'm out, and I'm fine.
I want to speak to Lovejoy.
- Right.
Got a phone in your car? - It was stolen.
Remarkable how rewarding life can be if only one's prepared to be adaptable.
(SHOT SHATTERS THE SILENCE) Hello, Max.
Never underestimate a public schoolgirl, Mr Hardy! I'll never say anything about you being late for anything ever again.
You can say what you want.
(SOBBING) I'm just glad you'll be around to say it.
Thanks, Lovejoy.
You were right and I was wrong and I thank God for it.
It's all right, Sam.
I'm quite fond of her, myself.
Shame about the sawdust! You should've had a dustpan and brush, Max! Lovejoy.
Dennis, you found it! - In his pocket.
- No damage.
Thank goodness for that! - This chess set's worth twenty grand.
- That's terrific.
We can get the roof and the rewiring done.
Look out, Tink.
Make way for Foxy.
How many more you got in there, Lovejoy? - You sure you're all right, dear? - Actually, I'm rather hungry.
I missed lunch yesterday and Max Hunter's cooking leaves a little to be desired.
- How about lunch at The Crown, daughter? - Perfect, Dad.
- That's a great idea, Sam.
- Perfect! Thanks for the SWAT team, Dennis! Shame about that.
They'll be here in a minute.
Lovejoy, before you go - Not now, Dennis.
- No time like the present, eh? At least you're getting warmer.
That looks about 1992.
I think we can tell you where it was made, though, can't we, Tink? - Birmingham.
- Or Burnley.
Do me a favour! That is genuine Wedgwood.
More like Cricklewood.
Don't give up your day job, Den!