M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e02 Episode Script

[Inaudible Dialogue.]
[Whistling.]
Oh, Lieutenant, your journal came.
Radar, you have anything for me? Do l Well, l-l - Hi.
- Radar.
- Do I have - Did I get a letter? Oh, no.
I don't think so.
But if I may say, that's a very nice towel you're wearing, Lieutenant.
Look at this, you dodo.
You're standin' here talkin' to yourself.
Jerk.
- Mail call.
- Sensational.
Anything in a blue envelope, smells as though it was written by a girl in a summer dress a spray of lilac at her elbow? You got a letter from your congressman that the mail truck threw into Colonel Potter's corral by mistake.
- I think I'll pass.
- I'll take anything from my family, no matter how it smells.
- It smells like crayons.
- You sure it's not from my congressman? Hey, Radar, what's up? You look down.
Well, to tell you the truth Can I talk to you guys? - To tell you the truth, why not? - Pull up a bunk.
Hey, thanks.
Um Well, I'm very concerned about something which concerns my life here.
- What's the trouble, Andy? - Well I don't think that this place is turning out to be that great an experience for me.
I work under terrible pressures, and there's lots of death and destruction and stuff but other than that, I don't think I'm getting much out of it.
I knew there was something wrong with this place.
I mean, the army's supposed to It's Well, it's supposed to make a man out of you, isn't it? It depends which sex you are to start with.
You have to meet them halfway.
I'm just basically the same person that I was, that I came in with.
You think you could've run an outfit this big before you came over here? - That's just being a good clerk.
- What would you rather be? - Okay.
Now, listen.
This is just, uh, talk.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I mean, it's just sort of thinkin' out loud.
- Yeah, right.
- What do you want to be? - Oh.
A hot lover.
Or even a cold one, I don't care.
What makes you think the army can help? When my Uncle Ed came home from World War I his mother could tell by the look in his eyes that he hadn't been a good boy in France.
She cried for three days.
I just know when I go home, my mother's gonna take one look at me and chuckle for a week.
Radar, you're working yourself into a froth over nothing.
Oh, nothing, huh? [Chuckling.]
Look, it's not such a big deal.
Write yourself a weekend pass borrow a Jeep and go down to the Pink Pagoda in Seoul.
Find some nice lady who reminds you of your father and let nature take its course.
You mean, go to the Pink Pagoda in Seoul, make friends with a lady and let nature take its course? Well, that's another way of putting it, yes.
Maybe you're not cut out for a life of depravity.
Stick to sniffing letters.
Yeah, but I'm the only one that's gonna leave this place younger than I was when I came.
So go to Seoul.
Get it over with.
Y-You mean actually go to Seoul and you know? A little "you know" never hurt anybody.
Some of our greatest presidents did "you know.
" Let him wait till he's elected.
Don't rush him.
- Who's rushing him? He's over 12.
- Radar, relax.
- When the time is right, you'll go.
- Your glasses are fogging.
Go.
Okay.
Okay, I will.
Next week.
Now! Okay.
Okay.
Now.
You know something? I feel different already.
I think I'm getting a fever.
Hey, any of you guys from Iowa? Yeah.
You headed that way? Oh, no, I'm going into Seoul to, uh - I'm, uh [Clears Throat.]
I'm just goin' into Seoul.
- I wish I was.
It's been so long since I've been to Seoul to, uh [Clears Throat.]
Hardly know what it's like anymore.
- Right.
- [Laughing.]
[B.
J.
.]
I want X rays here pelvis and lumbar areas.
All right, this guy can wait.
Let me look at this other man over here.
- [B.
J.
.]
All right.
Come on.
Get him in here! - Shoulder wounds.
Uh, get some plasma.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Let me look at his chest.
- B.
J! - Coming, Mother.
B.
J.
, it's Radar! Oh, my God.
- What did I do to him? - You didn't do anything to him.
- He was hit by mortar fire.
- Is his chest all right? I don't know.
We'll have to look around in there.
Get him in there and prep him.
What a stupid thing! I sent him through the middle of a war on a date.
- Come on.
Let's check the rest of these guys.
- Could've killed him! What the hell was he doing out there in a Jeep anyway? What a waste.
I'll go in and see how bad it is as soon as they get him to sleep.
- I'm gonna work on him.
- Why don't you let B.
J.
? You don't look that relaxed.
I'm working on him! Okay, fine.
[O.
R.
Chatter.]
Can I have it quiet? I'm trying to operate.
Right.
We're just carving turkeys.
- Shut up, Charles.
- Are you gonna keep us in suspense or you gonna tell us how he's doin'? It's not as bad as it looked.
There's a lot of muscle damage, but the vital organs are okay.
So why, may I ask, are we being treated to this inordinate demand for silence? I'll explain later, Charles, while I'm sitting on your chest - so Hawkeye can beat you with both fists.
- Criminy! Will you guys cork it? We're up to our ankles in wit.
[Vocalizing.]
Innkeeper, buy everybody a drink.
It's on me.
There's no everybody left, Hawk.
My My swallower's gone back to camp.
- Nothing but a fickle camp swallower.
- [Coughs.]
- You did great.
- Yeah.
No, really.
You did great.
He'll run like a new model in a few weeks.
- I thought I killed him, you know? - I know.
- He's such a cute little guy, you know? - Yeah.
You know that my hands were shaking? I had butterflies.
I've held people's hearts in my hand, and with him I was nervous.
- Am I boring you? - I've heard this four times already.
- I know how it ends.
- How does it end? I wasn't here for the early show.
You start crying and sing "Somewhere over the Rainbow.
" Can we go home? #If funny little bluebirds fly Away above the sky so high # #Then why, oh, why Oh, why, oh, why ## - Will you shut him up? - Sh-Shh.
That's the third time tonight he's awakened me with that idiotic song! Oh, really? Oh, really? That happens to be the national anthem of Iowa from where comes Judy Garland, the Tin Man and Radar O'Reilly! I think you will find that the characters lurching through your febrile mind come from Kansas.
- Wake me up early.
I want to check Radar in post-op.
- I'll check Radar.
You sleep it off.
Unclench your toe! And clench your mouth.
Clench yours, you hairless parsnip! [Man On P.
A.
.]
Rise and shine, folks.
Incoming on the helipad.
All personnel, grab your socks.
I think we better let him sleep.
The man said "all personnel.
" Charles, he's only been asleep for two hours.
You know his body hasn't had time to detoxify.
His body should have thought of that last night.
- Rise and shine, glue brains.
- [Groaning.]
What? - What? - Surgery, Hawk.
Good.
Have my brain removed.
Sleep.
If things get rough, I'll send for you.
Oh, no.
Colonel Potter's not gonna rush me in my work just so he can sleep off a gallon of hooch.
Don't yell! [Groans.]
- Stay here and sleep, Hawk.
- I'll do my share.
- Is this my shoe? - That's your pants.
Good.
Where do they go? - In your case, over your head.
- [Hawkeye Affects Laugh.]
Really, Charles, if that weren't so amusing, one might laugh.
- [Groaning.]
- Not over here.
Well, who's next? I'm nearly finished.
[B.
J.
.]
We're real proud of you, speedy.
Wipe.
- [B.
J.
.]
How's it going, Hawk? - I can't talk.
I'm operating.
- Oh, where is the badinage of yesteryear? - Shut your hole, Charles! - What's eating him now? - This breakfast session caught us a little off guard.
Aren't you over here on the American plan? Heh! Well said, Colonel.
- Pertinent and pithy persiflage.
- Oh, pooh pooh pa-doo.
- Who's got free hands? - What's the matter? I need somebody to suture this mesentery while I step outside for a minute.
Hold it in.
Stand on one foot like the rest of us.
- Charles, are you free? - Yes, but I don't see why this should come off my time.
[B.
J.
.]
You know why just as well as I do.
Have a little heart.
Winchester, get your persiflage over there.
Pierce, go out and come in again.
Let's get on with this.
If you'll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, with your very kind permission I'm gonna, uh - What is it with him? - We got home kind of late last night.
Well, kind of late this morning.
And you think he poisoned himself on the hors d'oeuvres at Rosie's bar.
- Well, that's just dandy! - Colonel, you know nothing like this has ever happened before.
It better not be happening now! Baker! Tell Pierce to get back here tout de suite! - He's a little indisposed right now, Colonel.
- Indisposed? He's laying over an oil drum throwing up.
Well, well, well.
How the mighty have fallen.
##[Charles Humming.]
Look, you can walk around with your brains at half-mast 24 hours a day for all I care but when that chopper hits the pad I expect you to be able to tie a slipknot in a matchbox.
- [Sighs.]
- It's incomprehensible to me that a surgeon of your caliber would walk into an operating room with a bag on.
Okay, let's hear some talk.
What's your explanation? I screwed up.
- I presume it won't happen again.
- That's right.
Well, this little talk has been terribly reassuring.
God, I hate this place.
You seemed to be enjoying it well enough last night.
I thought I was celebrating, but I was really drinking in anger.
Every time I thought of Radar lying on that table with his chest laid open in front of me I socked another shot into my body.
'Cause I didn't have anyone else's body to sock.
Have you seen him today? He's doin' great.
I'll go in there when I can screw a smile on my face.
I'll lend you one of mine.
Got a drawer full of 'em.
So that's your secret.
I can't tell you what a jerk I feel like.
Listen, anybody'd feel like a jerk if they'd done what you did.
- Thanks.
That really perks me up.
- That's all right.
- Hiya, kid.
- Hey, Klinger.
Gee, you look nice.
Yeah, I don't get to wear this suit much and it took me hours gettin' the darts out.
Here, I brought you some flowers.
Oh, I didn't know cornflowers was bloomin' yet.
They're not.
I got 'em off of one of my hats.
Don't put 'em in water.
The color'll run.
- Oh.
Thanks a lot.
- Sure.
So, listen, what'd they say? Is everything gonna work right and everything? Well, uh, B.
J.
was by before, and Major Winchester.
They said I was gonna be all right.
Has Hawkeye been around to check you over yet? No, not yet.
He's feeling a little out of sorts.
Yeah, so I hear.
Well, well, well, what have we here? - Listen.
I'll see ya, okay? - Right.
Thanks a lot, Klinger.
Radar, I told you a hundred times never go driving in Korea without a steel parasol.
You're gonna be fine.
I even put a little extra muscle in your arm so you'd look good at the beach.
How long am I gonna be laid up, sir? "Sir?" Aren't we being kind of formal? I mean, after all, I did walk barefoot through your pectorals.
- Can you do that? - Yeah.
Oh, good.
I hear you had to leave the O.
R.
This morning.
That's right.
I did.
Somebody said you had to go outside to throw up.
- That's right.
- How come? I've always wanted to barf on Ouijongbu, and I just thought the time was ripe.
It wouldn't be anything else, would it? No, unless it was the fact that most of my blood came out of a scotch bottle.
I wouldn't know about that.
I'm not a doctor.
But I am, so I'm not allowed to be human.
Is that it? You walked out on a patient - and Major Winchester had to finish for you.
- So? I'd have done the same for him if he was sick.
Well, a lot of people don't look at it like you were sick, Hawkeye.
A lot of people look up to you here.
They admire you and they kind of feel like they want to be like you.
And, gee, when you walk out on an operation well, they kind of feel like you let 'em down.
And if they can't depend on you well, they figure, well, maybe there's no point in depending on anything.
Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders.
Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place.
And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction then, then the hell with it.
How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naivete and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear and while you're at it, the hell with you! Why don't you grow up for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire! I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder if possible, without going crazy.
Period! Come on.
Cut it out.
Stop it, will ya? You ninny! I don't know how it happened.
One minute we're talking, and the next minute I'm standing there watching this crazy man scream at Radar.
- Why don't you go back and talk to him again? - I don't think I can face him.
- I can't believe I did it.
- [Knocking.]
- Hello? - Come in, Father.
I wonder if I might, uh, uh Have a seat, Father.
I just left Radar.
Now Hawkeye, please accept this in the spirit intended.
You're under enormous pressure here and l-I just want to know one little thing.
Have you lost your mind? Father, you don't know how sorry I am.
I mean th-that boy is lying there in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of his body and you, you call him a ninny? Father I'm incensed! I'm outraged! Wh-Where's your decency, man? Y-Your humanity? I'm acrimonious! - Father - I'm not a man given to physical demonstrations of emotion but let me tell you, I am persuaded to violence.
- Go ahead, Father.
- Well, I think I will! I'm glad you let it out, Father.
Well, as a matter of fact I found it particularly unsatisfying.
And if you want to know the truth, it's entirely possible I've broken my toe! Gee, you have a marvelous effect on people.
What the hell's the matter with you? Are you nuts? - I think I must be, yes.
- I think you are.
I no sooner give you a lecture on one patient than you go in and try to destroy another! Maybe we should aim you at the Chinese.
- I'd like to talk to you.
- This ought to be good.
- What is the matter with you? - Just a minute, Major.
- I have something to say on that subject - Hang on.
You'll get your turn! I'll get my turn? I'm the commanding officer.
- I beg your pardon, Colonel.
Go right ahead.
- Thank you.
Your behavior is incomprehensible again! You have a boy there, fresh out of the cornfield who is highly vulnerable and impressionable - not to mention the fact that he worships you - Although why, I can't see! And you make this kid the target of the most bellicose barrelful of Bull Durham - anybody's ever heard you utter.
- And I, for one, have heard you utter plenty! If you don't mind, I rehearsed this as a single.
And you're doing fine.
Really.
Gee, Major, I appreciate that.
Now will you clam up? This boy's been told he's nothing more than a pimple on a flea by the man whose opinion he values more than anyone in the world! And I think you damn well better do something about it! - Now what do you think? - I think you're right.
Wha I never got to say anything! - How's Radar doing? - He's doing fine.
You're not gonna talk to him again, are ya? I just want to sit with him for a minute.
I feel awful.
He's so fragile, you know? Radar, I'd like to apologize.
Oh, yeah? Well, you can just forget it.
Just forget it! Hell with me, huh? The hell with you! How 'bout that? And another thing.
I wanna tell you something.
Anybody says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up, pal! I'll give you a fistful of Iowa "naiveteness" right in the puss! - How about that? - No, let him go.
You know, I don't need you to tell me what's what.
I know what's what just as well as you do.
So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself? [Chuckles.]
[Whistling.]
Well, sitting with all your friends, I see.
Gee, Charles, you were the one person I was counting on for a little compassion.
This may come as a surprise to you, but I really do feel for you.
- Yeah? - My, yes, I certainly do.
A very painful episode for a surgeon of your expertise to endure.
Actually, you know, I had a similar experience once myself.
A little, uh, peccadillo backfired nearly got me thrown out of school.
Of course, I was 14 at the time.
I wasn't a grown man like you are.
Doctor, do try to learn a little self-discipline.
I'm working on it right now.
Oh.
How's everything going here? Oh, sir, I was just thinking about you.
I was going over the duty roster in my head.
If I had some paper, I could get it out for ya.
Oh, that's okay, Radar.
Rest your roster.
Klinger will work on it.
I understand you and Hawkeye had a little to-do.
Yes, sir.
- He's very fond of you, Radar.
- Oh, really, sir? You know, they say time heals all wounds.
It's true.
Look, next week when you're up and walking around, you may run into Hawkeye and you'll probably start talking about the weather, or the food, or something.
Before you know it, you might realize he's the same guy you always liked when you looked up to him.
In fact, you might even like him better now that you can see him more eye to eye, if you know what I mean.
Oh, I know what you're trying to say, sir.
Well, good.
We'll see.
Hawkeye, long time no see, you know? Yeah, I've been staying away from the firewater, Rosie.
- You got trouble with your liver? - No.
Hi, Rosie.
Hi, Radar.
- Sit.
- Okay, thanks.
- Grape Nehi? - Uh, yeah, I guess so.
- Uh, Hawkeye? - A beer, I guess, Rosie.
Okay.
Hi, sailor, you come here often? - Oh, hi.
- Mmm.
Sure is some stretch of warm weather we're havin'.
Yeah.
It, uh, really has been warm.
It's been, uh, very warm.
Yeah.
[Clears Throat.]
Did you try that breakfast this morning? The, uh, sausages were ice cold.
Yeah, I heard about that.
I just usually give them a sniff, you know? But, uh, I, I heard they were really cold.
- Yeah, they were really - Cold.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Sure is some stretch of weather.
- Warm.
- Yeah.
[Sighs.]
Oy.
Look, I'd like to say I'm sorry.
This whole thing probably never would've happened if I wasn't so guilty about getting you wounded in the first place.
Well, gee, that wasn't your fault.
And if you really have to worship the ground I walk on, I guess I can take it.
Well, that's okay.
Um, I'd just as soon not.
Well, okay.
That's nice too.
One grape Nehi.
One beer.
## [Whistling.]
- Hey, Radar, it's not your birthday, is it? - No, why? You just got some costume jewelry from President Truman.
- I think he's sweet on you.
- Huh? - Okay if I nail that on? - Hey! - That's a Purple Heart.
- Oh, good, I hate it when presidents get fresh.
Wow, a citation.
I wonder what my mom's gonna say.
She'll probably say her boy has changed over here.
- And she'll be right.
- Yeah, I guess so.
You still gonna talk to us now that you're a hero and everything? Oh, sure.
I still talk to ordinary people.
Radar, I'm gonna do something now I've hardly ever done before.
- You're not gonna kiss me, are ya? - Mm-mmm.
- [Whispering.]
Thank you, sir.
- Don't get hurt again, will ya? That's probably what my mom will say.