My Family (2000) s06e02 Episode Script
The Spokes Person
(Ben, shouting) If I had my way, I'd have every bicycle turned into scrap metal! Preferably with the owner still on 'em! Cyclists! They're a bloody menace! One nearly killed me just now.
There I was driving down Hollywell Avenue, minding my own business, and this cyclist this cyclist He comes out of nowhere.
I swerve to avoid him, he cuts me up and clips the side of the car.
And then, without warning, he gives me two fingers.
Yes! Two fingers! Hah! I haven't heard language as foul and obscene as that since I forgot Susan's birthday.
I must say I was amazed to find out you still lived in this little house of yours.
Why? Well, it's been 18 years, Susan.
People move onwards and upwards.
Well, most people do.
It's like you've never been away, Hilary.
More tea? No, thank you.
Do you remember my eldest - Dominic? He's an international chess master.
Yes, you said.
Twice.
And he's become UNICEF's youngest ever project leader.
Boaster? Thank you.
Tell me, whatever happened to your eldest? Nicholas, was it? Nick, yes.
Oh, he's done extremely well.
He's chief executive of Vaughan Hoggedon Peterson.
Who? Oh, it's a huge merchant bank.
Oh.
Really? Couldn't tie his shoelaces when he was ten.
Anyway, let me explain why I've come round.
I understand you're on the fundraising committee for Beaker Street nursery school.
Yes.
It's where my grandson Kenzo goes.
Guess what? Now we're back in the area I've joined the committee too.
Oh! Great.
Anyway, I thought we ought to get together to make sure we don't duplicate ideas.
You have got fundraising ideas? Oh, look.
Here's Janey.
You probably don't remember her.
She's changed quite a bit.
Goodness.
The last time I saw you, you were running round the school playground with your skirt up, showing all the boys your knickers.
Maybe she hasn't changed that much.
Janey, this is Hilary Jessop.
Dominic's mum.
Do you remember Dominic? He's an international chess master now.
Oh, yes.
Dominic.
Yes.
(Whispers) Four-eyed geek with big ears and a lisp.
You can say hello soon.
He's coming round to collect me.
Oh.
(Both) Great.
That is how you keep your pastry moist.
Hello, Ben.
Oh.
Nasty frown.
What's up with you, Mr Grumpy Boots? He's had a bit of a run-in with a cyclist who scratched his car.
- Is the cyclist all right? - "Is the cyclist all right?" Who cares?! - Did you get a look at him? - No.
But if I get my hands on him, I'd show him ways of using a bicycle pump he'd never imagined.
Oh, well I'll leave you to your impotent rage.
We're off too.
We're going to a demonstration by that cook off the telly - the one that swears.
Yeah.
Delia Smith.
Pah.
I didn't know you were a foodie, Roger.
He's fantastic.
He's cordoned off.
Cordon Bleu, Abi my little raspberry fool.
He's a whizz in the kitchen.
Yesterday he showed me how to tenderise my loins.
- I'm saying nothing.
- Well, er We'd best be off, Abi.
Want to get a front row seat.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
Hello, Ben.
Hello, darling.
God, you've changed.
- How are you? - I've no idea.
I'm sorry, do I know you? - You remember Hilary Jessop? - Oh, yes.
That's right.
You used to be so fat.
Well I wasn't that big.
Oh, you were.
Oh, come on.
You were enorm We used to call you Fat Hilary.
I didn't, she did.
I mean Isn't that interesting, Susan? Well, not to your face.
Yeah, but you look great now.
Now you've had all the fat sucked out I'm just going to file an insurance claim.
Excuse me.
- (Doorbell) - Ah, that'll be Dominic.
- Dominic? - Janey? - You've changed.
- Yes.
So have you.
Come in.
So where are your glasses? - Laser treatment.
- And what happened to your ears? - Pinned back.
- And the lisp? (Lisping) Two out of three isn't so bad.
Only joking.
It's been so long and there are so many questions I'd love to ask you.
Are you seeing anyone? No.
Dominic is rather particular about who he sees.
That's not quite accurate.
It's an unpopular view these days but I'm saving myself for marriage.
That's all right.
Janey likes a challenge.
Susan, I'm confused.
Is this the entire downstairs? Only I can't see a dining room.
No.
We thought it would be more useful to convert it into a music room.
Ah, yes, yes.
We often gather around the piano for a recital whilst Mama does needlepoint in front of the open fire.
I don't suppose you have many dinner parties then? We have loads, don't we? We often eat in here.
Yeah, if there's something good on telly.
Well, we must all have dinner some time.
Um I could have you over, um, or - Or you could come here? - Oh, lovely.
Saturday? Saturday.
- Eight for eight-fifteen? - Hey, eight for eight-ten.
- I'll bring Richard.
- I'll bring Ben.
- Thanks for the invitation.
- It was easy.
See you then.
Bye.
Oh, my God! What have I done? Don't do that.
You'll go blind.
Mikey, grab your camera.
Nip down and photograph the damage that cyclist has inflicted on my car.
- What cyclist? - No.
You'll set him off again.
- I'll tell you what cyclist! - Told you.
That cyclist damaged the side of my car - Mr Harper.
- Gave me two fingers - Mr Harper.
- Damaged my car, gave me two - Mr Harper.
- What? Listen.
If you're really that upset about the cyclist, you should phone West London Talk Radio.
- What? Who? - Yeah.
Call them, Dad.
WLTR love nutters.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And, personally, I've always found your opinions very, very interesting.
Bigoted, narrow-minded, fascist, but interesting.
I'm not bigoted, Alfie.
I just want to make a simple point that in a civilised society there's no room for cyclists.
Didn't you say that about doctors? Here.
Mr Harper, I've got it on the speed dial from when I was complaining.
What were you complaining about? The lack of air time given to alternative Welsh rock music.
We don't hear enough of that, do we? I've got a voice.
Might as well use it.
Hello? Yes.
My name is Ben Harper.
Dentist.
Yes.
I want to talk about those Spandexed imbeciles on their bicycles.
Eh? What is their problem? Don't the rules of the road apply to them? I'll tell you what I'd like to do to them, shall I? I'm caller number five? OK, yup.
You should have heard me airing my views.
I was committed, forceful, persuasive, erudite.
Is there another word? Boring? That's not the one I was searching for.
- Concentrate on what's important here.
- I thought I was.
Look.
I've got to beat Fat Hilary's fundraising effort and come up with a gourmet meal that will knock her sideways on Saturday.
Your cooking's knocked people sideways before.
Thank you.
I'm going to need help from you.
I'm always here for you, Susan.
Except when I'm not.
- Don't let me down on this.
- When have I ever let you down? I'd tell you but I want to get to sleep before breakfast.
If you could just help me come up with a decent fundraising idea.
Come on, ask me anything.
Day or night.
Thank you, darling.
Let's start now.
Now? Come on, a bit tricky.
I've just turned the immersion off.
I need a shower before the water turns tepid.
Typical! I ask you for one little idea and all you can think about is yourself.
Well, thank you, Ben! Oh Thank you very much, Ben.
A nude calendar? Of course, my plan is to use semi-naked men.
Works for me.
- Local shopkeepers and businessmen.
- Oh.
I'm going to need you to help me get this organised.
I've only got an hour.
Before I pick Kenzo up, I'm having lunch with Dominic.
What? But I thought you hated him.
I did when we were six and we used to play doctors and nurses, but not any more.
Judas! Consorting with the enemy.
Why don't you just plunge a bread knife into my heart? You don't think you're being just a tad over-dramatic.
He's not your type.
He's wholesome, decent, pure as the driven snow.
I know.
It's so attractive.
Hey ho.
Well, while you are here find me a photographer who doesn't mind taking pictures of half-naked men.
No need.
I can think of somebody.
Hot, semi-naked models? Mm-hm.
Oh, yes.
I'm in.
OK.
We're back.
Joining me in the studio is Ben Harper - a local dentist who's caused a stir with his opinions on cyclists.
Hello, Ben.
Hello, London.
The surgery number is 946-0109.
That's 946-0109.
That's no NHS.
OK, Ben.
Very good, very good.
No.
Seriously, no NHS.
OK, Ben.
You've obviously got a bee in your bonnet about cyclists, but there are environmental benefits.
- Like what? - They don't burn petrol, Ben.
Have you any idea how much pollution is caused in the manufacture of Lycra? No.
Well, neither have I but there must be a lot.
I'm not suggesting that there should be some law passed which means cyclists should be rounded up and put in pens or camps if you like.
But let's not rule anything out or, indeed, anything in.
Oh! (Coughing) Oh, no! All smothered with a really thick cheese sauce.
- Vegetable au gratin? - I'm amazed you can even recognise it.
What am I going to do? I can't serve my guests burnt food.
You always said the carbon was good for us.
Someone hasn't been vigorous enough with the flour for the roux.
- Is it supposed to be vigorous? - And where's the basil? II basilico? - Is that important? - Mais oui.
And I bet you've had the oven at Yeah.
280 degrees.
- Isn't that right? - 200, Susan.
200.
- How do you know all this? - Duh.
Roger is only a brilliant chef.
He's like a Welsh Ken Hom, only not so French.
Roger, I've just had a thought.
How do you fancy cooking for our dinner party on Saturday? I would love to.
A chance to work in a nice big kitchen like this.
It's a dream come true.
- Can I help, Rog? - Yes.
You can be my sous.
I like being Abi.
Sous-chef, Abi.
Oh, right.
You wouldn't be doing this for nothing.
Shall we say L150? - Sounds fair.
- Sounds very fair.
(Faint booing) Ben.
Ben, have a look at this.
He's fantastic.
I've seen him do things with a marrow that'll make your eyes water.
- Mouth water, Abi.
- Oh, yeah.
- You should give up dentistry.
- And become a full-time cook? No.
Just give up dentistry.
Ben, I can't get the car out.
I told you, reverse is hard across and back towards you.
I can't get the car out because there are 50 cyclists blocking our drive.
Morons! God! Under the law of trespass, you're entitled to mow them down.
Morning, Roger, Abi.
- You've started early.
- Yes.
We've got a lot of prep work for tonight.
Abi and I will be serving broccoli and pear and stilton soup followed by mustard-glazed lamb chops.
(French accent) Avec le braised red cabbages, rosemary potatoes and le caramelised carrots and parsnips.
Sounds heavenly.
(Crowd shout) Four wheels bad! Two wheels The first two men are ready to be snapped in the garage.
Where is Michael? Drowning himself in aftershave.
What did you tell him? Nothing.
How are things going with Dominic? You've been seeing quite a bit of him.
I can't believe he's the person I used to play doctors and nurses with.
He doesn't believe in sex before marriage and I've told him I feel the same.
I think that particular boat has sailed.
I think it's a microscopic dot on the horizon.
(Sniffs and coughs) How do I look? I did push-ups.
Where are my models? Waiting in the garage.
(Crowd shout) Give us a C C! - Give us a C? What are they spelling? - I don't know.
Hi, Alfie.
Can't stop.
Couple of hot models waiting for me.
They are hot, right? Oh Sssss! Fact.
All supermodels marry photographers.
It's a mutually-dependent, work-based relationship.
They never last.
They're models.
(Crowd shouting) Give me a T T! What have you got? Cyclist! Oh, "cyclist".
Alfie? What are the coffee mugs for? Oh, just giving the cyclists some sustenance.
They're extremely parched after their long vigil.
Are you completely insane? They are picketing my house.
They are keeping me awake.
You do not give them coffee.
Mr Harper, it's that sort of belligerence that has upset the cycling community in the first place.
If you ask me, you should make some sort of gesture.
I'm about to, Alfie.
Believe me.
I was going to suggest some sort of appeasement.
Yes.
You're making our lives hell.
You have to apologise.
I would rather have a chimp remove my spleen with rusty scissors.
Be careful for what you wish.
Remember, whatever happens tonight, Fat Hilary has to believe our lives are perfect.
- I'm going to kill you! - Whoa! There are naked men in our garage.
Now, when you say perfect It's all under control.
Roger and Abi are hard at it in the kitchen, Janey's out with Dominic, Alfie's in his room, Michael's in the garage.
- Has he stopped twitching? - Only just.
But the L150 I gave him soon convinced him to carry on.
Remember, whatever the Jessops suggest, our lives have been brilliant.
- (Doorbell) - What have our lives been? Er, brilliant? Are you ready for this? Hurry, hurry! Go! (Crowd shouting) (Ben) You morons! I've just been pelted with eggs by those cyclists.
Sorry.
Chap next door's been causing quite a fuss.
Ben Harper.
- Richard Jessop.
- Really? So sorry.
Come through.
Ben, do the drinks while I check on the food.
- Can I help, Susan? - No! I mean You just relax.
I invited you, remember? Roger? Roger? Sorry about that, Susan.
Just maintaining the subterfuge.
- How's everything going? - Oh, it's absolutely (bleep!) brilliant.
He's been working his (bleep!) socks off.
You wait till you get your (bleep!) lips around that (bleep!) knife.
It's going to fall off the (bleep!) bone.
It's a (bleep!) triumph.
I wish I'd taken her to see Gary Rhodes instead of Gordon Ramsay.
I'll settle her down.
I don't mean to be rude, Susan, but you'd best leave us to it.
The (bleep!) clock's ticking here.
Honestly, Dominic, I am happy to wait.
Ooh.
Sorry.
- Lime cordial's going to my head.
- Janey, I should just come clean.
The reason I'm saving myself is because I have intimacy issues.
My counsellor has told me it all stems from a game of doctors and nurses when I was six.
Oh.
Just out of interest, do you happen to remember who played the nurse? No.
Her face is still just a blur.
Most of the time she had her skirt over her head.
Thank God I mean, what a pity.
That lamb was amazing, Susan.
Yes.
Very nice.
Any more? Do you want me to go and ask? I mean, check.
Check.
No, no.
Richard won't have any more.
I understand your eldest son's a merchant banker.
Mm.
Is he ever.
More wine, Ricardo? And their daughter has a little boy called Kenzo.
Strange name.
What does his father do? Impregnates college students and scarpers.
Ben.
Did I tell you our lives are brilliant? - (Phone) - The answering machine can get that.
(Machine bleeps) (Roger) Susan, it's me.
We can't find the cheese board.
(Abi) It's all right.
I found it in the (bleepl) cupboard Reverend Thomas and his wife.
Always losing things.
Oh, no.
- And who's this? - Alfie's staying with us.
We like to support young artists.
Or indeed anyone who knocks on the front door.
I've finished your hit single, Mrs Harper.
Did you hear that, Hilary? Hit single.
That'll help the nursery.
- You don't have to play it now, Alfie.
- No, no.
It's OK.
Why bother giving money to the homeless and the poor When there's an extra special cause right here That needs your cash much more Kenzo's school Kenzo's school Those over-privileged toddlers need some playmats and the rule Oh-oh-oh, Kenzo's school Kenzo's school Yes.
Thank you very much, Alfie.
I was thinking of calling it Kenzo's School.
I gathered that.
We'll give you a call.
Thanks, Alfie.
Mrs Harper, if it's OK with you, I think I'll take some soup to the cyclists.
Cycl?! You will not You will not feed those Lycra-clad vermin! - You don't like cyclists? - Love 'em under the wheels of a juggernaut.
- I'm a cyclist.
- Yeah? I thought you might be.
I think it's motorists that are the bigger threat.
Only a few days ago, I was innocently cycling into Hollywell Avenue when a maniac in a blue Saab nearly ran me down.
I bounced off his wing.
Lucky not to be killed.
Well, it's not too late.
You're getting a bill for a scratched wing.
- You! - You! You gave me a V sign! What did you think you were playing at? Observing the Highway Code, which is more than cyclists ever do! - I've a mind to smack you in the mouth.
- Really? Try.
I can fix my own teeth.
(Ben) Don't you get me! Not the Pavlova! He spent ages on that, you (bleep!) Philistines! Did I tell you how brilliant our lives are? Susan, you'll never guess what's happened.
Fantastic news! - I know.
The calendars have arrived.
- That's not what I was going to say.
So? What do you think? I worked hard on these by myself.
OK.
Let's have a Oh dear, oh dear.
I'm not sure about Mr February.
Yes.
First time I've ever looked at someone and mentally dressed them.
Anyway, the order book's full.
That's one in the eye for Fat Hilary.
Darling, did you check these before you sent them to the printer's? Yes, of course I did.
Did you notice anything in the mirror? - Oh, my God.
- Oh, yes.
You can see everything they've got.
And I don't mean just courgettes and baps either.
Ooh! You can see everything on all of them.
- Ooh.
- Oh, God.
What am I going to do? I've got 3,000 of these.
Sorry, darling.
I'm expected down at the TV station.
- What? - Yup.
That was my news.
They want to do a live interview.
Well, isn't that just tickety-boo? The calendars have flopped - unlike Mr September.
And big fat Hilary's going to crow louder than a big fat crow.
But all you can do is think about yourself.
Well, go to your precious TV interview.
Make it impossible for us to leave our own home.
Ruin your family's life forever.
OK.
Be back about seven.
Ironic, really.
Having messed up so many men, I finally meet a man I really like only to find I've done the damage 18 years earlier.
If I could go back in time, I could No.
My skirt would still be up.
- Are you all right, Mum? - Just tense.
God knows what your father's going to say.
It's on.
(TV) Meanwhile, in leafy west London, dentist, Ben Harper, has been stirring up a hornet's nest with his outspoken views on cyclists.
How did he get through that mob? Ben, this isn't the look I was expecting.
- I thought you hated cyclists.
- Oh, Trevor, Trevor, Trevor.
No, no, no.
My words have been taken completely out of context.
You called them "lentil-munching pansies.
" Let's not nit-pick, Trevor.
I'm here to set the record straight.
I mean, to me cyclists are the salt of the earth.
- What's Dad doing? - Something he's never done before.
- What? - The right thing.
And to prove my commitment, I'm going on the West London Bike-athon.
With all the proceeds going to the Beaker Street nursery school.
I've never been so proud of Ben as I am right now.
It's all right.
All the cyclists are leaving.
It's just like the end of Zulu.
(Doorbell) Hilary.
Please come in.
I've been meaning to call you to apologise for last week's dinner party.
Well, I imagine you've had other things to occupy you.
Like the calendars.
- Oh.
You've heard.
- Word gets around.
I am so sorry.
Of course, it does mean I have raised a lot more money than you.
Hilary, it doesn't even matter any more because something wonderful just happened.
My husband swallowed his pride and did something to save the sanity of his family.
My daughter turned her life around - albeit for two days.
And my son has taken obscene photographs.
I'm so proud of them all.
What? Hilary, what's the matter? There, there.
Sit down.
Oh, Susan - Why can't my life be like yours? - I'm sorry? But your life is perfect.
It is not.
Believe me, it is not.
It is a sham from top to bottom.
My husband is having an affair, my eldest son is sexually confused and his younger brother is doing time in Ford Open Prison.
Oh, Hilary.
I had no idea.
I'm so sorry.
I just had to get it off my chest.
- Here you are.
Drink this, Fat Hilary.
- Thank you.
I won't encroach on your evening any more.
Thank you for being honest with me.
Hilary, you have so much to offer, you've got your whole life ahead of you and you've lost so much weight.
And if you need anything, day or night, just call.
Thank you, Susan.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Yes! I win! Whee! It made sense, darling.
It was a sacrifice I was prepared to make for you and the family.
That and the fact I couldn't get the car out.
And there was no way I was going to walk to work every day.
- I love a man with principles.
- I know.
Goodbye.
Ben, what else did you say on that programme? Well, nothing much.
I think Ah, yes.
I may have mentioned that all builders are shiftless cowboys.
There I was driving down Hollywell Avenue, minding my own business, and this cyclist this cyclist He comes out of nowhere.
I swerve to avoid him, he cuts me up and clips the side of the car.
And then, without warning, he gives me two fingers.
Yes! Two fingers! Hah! I haven't heard language as foul and obscene as that since I forgot Susan's birthday.
I must say I was amazed to find out you still lived in this little house of yours.
Why? Well, it's been 18 years, Susan.
People move onwards and upwards.
Well, most people do.
It's like you've never been away, Hilary.
More tea? No, thank you.
Do you remember my eldest - Dominic? He's an international chess master.
Yes, you said.
Twice.
And he's become UNICEF's youngest ever project leader.
Boaster? Thank you.
Tell me, whatever happened to your eldest? Nicholas, was it? Nick, yes.
Oh, he's done extremely well.
He's chief executive of Vaughan Hoggedon Peterson.
Who? Oh, it's a huge merchant bank.
Oh.
Really? Couldn't tie his shoelaces when he was ten.
Anyway, let me explain why I've come round.
I understand you're on the fundraising committee for Beaker Street nursery school.
Yes.
It's where my grandson Kenzo goes.
Guess what? Now we're back in the area I've joined the committee too.
Oh! Great.
Anyway, I thought we ought to get together to make sure we don't duplicate ideas.
You have got fundraising ideas? Oh, look.
Here's Janey.
You probably don't remember her.
She's changed quite a bit.
Goodness.
The last time I saw you, you were running round the school playground with your skirt up, showing all the boys your knickers.
Maybe she hasn't changed that much.
Janey, this is Hilary Jessop.
Dominic's mum.
Do you remember Dominic? He's an international chess master now.
Oh, yes.
Dominic.
Yes.
(Whispers) Four-eyed geek with big ears and a lisp.
You can say hello soon.
He's coming round to collect me.
Oh.
(Both) Great.
That is how you keep your pastry moist.
Hello, Ben.
Oh.
Nasty frown.
What's up with you, Mr Grumpy Boots? He's had a bit of a run-in with a cyclist who scratched his car.
- Is the cyclist all right? - "Is the cyclist all right?" Who cares?! - Did you get a look at him? - No.
But if I get my hands on him, I'd show him ways of using a bicycle pump he'd never imagined.
Oh, well I'll leave you to your impotent rage.
We're off too.
We're going to a demonstration by that cook off the telly - the one that swears.
Yeah.
Delia Smith.
Pah.
I didn't know you were a foodie, Roger.
He's fantastic.
He's cordoned off.
Cordon Bleu, Abi my little raspberry fool.
He's a whizz in the kitchen.
Yesterday he showed me how to tenderise my loins.
- I'm saying nothing.
- Well, er We'd best be off, Abi.
Want to get a front row seat.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
Hello, Ben.
Hello, darling.
God, you've changed.
- How are you? - I've no idea.
I'm sorry, do I know you? - You remember Hilary Jessop? - Oh, yes.
That's right.
You used to be so fat.
Well I wasn't that big.
Oh, you were.
Oh, come on.
You were enorm We used to call you Fat Hilary.
I didn't, she did.
I mean Isn't that interesting, Susan? Well, not to your face.
Yeah, but you look great now.
Now you've had all the fat sucked out I'm just going to file an insurance claim.
Excuse me.
- (Doorbell) - Ah, that'll be Dominic.
- Dominic? - Janey? - You've changed.
- Yes.
So have you.
Come in.
So where are your glasses? - Laser treatment.
- And what happened to your ears? - Pinned back.
- And the lisp? (Lisping) Two out of three isn't so bad.
Only joking.
It's been so long and there are so many questions I'd love to ask you.
Are you seeing anyone? No.
Dominic is rather particular about who he sees.
That's not quite accurate.
It's an unpopular view these days but I'm saving myself for marriage.
That's all right.
Janey likes a challenge.
Susan, I'm confused.
Is this the entire downstairs? Only I can't see a dining room.
No.
We thought it would be more useful to convert it into a music room.
Ah, yes, yes.
We often gather around the piano for a recital whilst Mama does needlepoint in front of the open fire.
I don't suppose you have many dinner parties then? We have loads, don't we? We often eat in here.
Yeah, if there's something good on telly.
Well, we must all have dinner some time.
Um I could have you over, um, or - Or you could come here? - Oh, lovely.
Saturday? Saturday.
- Eight for eight-fifteen? - Hey, eight for eight-ten.
- I'll bring Richard.
- I'll bring Ben.
- Thanks for the invitation.
- It was easy.
See you then.
Bye.
Oh, my God! What have I done? Don't do that.
You'll go blind.
Mikey, grab your camera.
Nip down and photograph the damage that cyclist has inflicted on my car.
- What cyclist? - No.
You'll set him off again.
- I'll tell you what cyclist! - Told you.
That cyclist damaged the side of my car - Mr Harper.
- Gave me two fingers - Mr Harper.
- Damaged my car, gave me two - Mr Harper.
- What? Listen.
If you're really that upset about the cyclist, you should phone West London Talk Radio.
- What? Who? - Yeah.
Call them, Dad.
WLTR love nutters.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And, personally, I've always found your opinions very, very interesting.
Bigoted, narrow-minded, fascist, but interesting.
I'm not bigoted, Alfie.
I just want to make a simple point that in a civilised society there's no room for cyclists.
Didn't you say that about doctors? Here.
Mr Harper, I've got it on the speed dial from when I was complaining.
What were you complaining about? The lack of air time given to alternative Welsh rock music.
We don't hear enough of that, do we? I've got a voice.
Might as well use it.
Hello? Yes.
My name is Ben Harper.
Dentist.
Yes.
I want to talk about those Spandexed imbeciles on their bicycles.
Eh? What is their problem? Don't the rules of the road apply to them? I'll tell you what I'd like to do to them, shall I? I'm caller number five? OK, yup.
You should have heard me airing my views.
I was committed, forceful, persuasive, erudite.
Is there another word? Boring? That's not the one I was searching for.
- Concentrate on what's important here.
- I thought I was.
Look.
I've got to beat Fat Hilary's fundraising effort and come up with a gourmet meal that will knock her sideways on Saturday.
Your cooking's knocked people sideways before.
Thank you.
I'm going to need help from you.
I'm always here for you, Susan.
Except when I'm not.
- Don't let me down on this.
- When have I ever let you down? I'd tell you but I want to get to sleep before breakfast.
If you could just help me come up with a decent fundraising idea.
Come on, ask me anything.
Day or night.
Thank you, darling.
Let's start now.
Now? Come on, a bit tricky.
I've just turned the immersion off.
I need a shower before the water turns tepid.
Typical! I ask you for one little idea and all you can think about is yourself.
Well, thank you, Ben! Oh Thank you very much, Ben.
A nude calendar? Of course, my plan is to use semi-naked men.
Works for me.
- Local shopkeepers and businessmen.
- Oh.
I'm going to need you to help me get this organised.
I've only got an hour.
Before I pick Kenzo up, I'm having lunch with Dominic.
What? But I thought you hated him.
I did when we were six and we used to play doctors and nurses, but not any more.
Judas! Consorting with the enemy.
Why don't you just plunge a bread knife into my heart? You don't think you're being just a tad over-dramatic.
He's not your type.
He's wholesome, decent, pure as the driven snow.
I know.
It's so attractive.
Hey ho.
Well, while you are here find me a photographer who doesn't mind taking pictures of half-naked men.
No need.
I can think of somebody.
Hot, semi-naked models? Mm-hm.
Oh, yes.
I'm in.
OK.
We're back.
Joining me in the studio is Ben Harper - a local dentist who's caused a stir with his opinions on cyclists.
Hello, Ben.
Hello, London.
The surgery number is 946-0109.
That's 946-0109.
That's no NHS.
OK, Ben.
Very good, very good.
No.
Seriously, no NHS.
OK, Ben.
You've obviously got a bee in your bonnet about cyclists, but there are environmental benefits.
- Like what? - They don't burn petrol, Ben.
Have you any idea how much pollution is caused in the manufacture of Lycra? No.
Well, neither have I but there must be a lot.
I'm not suggesting that there should be some law passed which means cyclists should be rounded up and put in pens or camps if you like.
But let's not rule anything out or, indeed, anything in.
Oh! (Coughing) Oh, no! All smothered with a really thick cheese sauce.
- Vegetable au gratin? - I'm amazed you can even recognise it.
What am I going to do? I can't serve my guests burnt food.
You always said the carbon was good for us.
Someone hasn't been vigorous enough with the flour for the roux.
- Is it supposed to be vigorous? - And where's the basil? II basilico? - Is that important? - Mais oui.
And I bet you've had the oven at Yeah.
280 degrees.
- Isn't that right? - 200, Susan.
200.
- How do you know all this? - Duh.
Roger is only a brilliant chef.
He's like a Welsh Ken Hom, only not so French.
Roger, I've just had a thought.
How do you fancy cooking for our dinner party on Saturday? I would love to.
A chance to work in a nice big kitchen like this.
It's a dream come true.
- Can I help, Rog? - Yes.
You can be my sous.
I like being Abi.
Sous-chef, Abi.
Oh, right.
You wouldn't be doing this for nothing.
Shall we say L150? - Sounds fair.
- Sounds very fair.
(Faint booing) Ben.
Ben, have a look at this.
He's fantastic.
I've seen him do things with a marrow that'll make your eyes water.
- Mouth water, Abi.
- Oh, yeah.
- You should give up dentistry.
- And become a full-time cook? No.
Just give up dentistry.
Ben, I can't get the car out.
I told you, reverse is hard across and back towards you.
I can't get the car out because there are 50 cyclists blocking our drive.
Morons! God! Under the law of trespass, you're entitled to mow them down.
Morning, Roger, Abi.
- You've started early.
- Yes.
We've got a lot of prep work for tonight.
Abi and I will be serving broccoli and pear and stilton soup followed by mustard-glazed lamb chops.
(French accent) Avec le braised red cabbages, rosemary potatoes and le caramelised carrots and parsnips.
Sounds heavenly.
(Crowd shout) Four wheels bad! Two wheels The first two men are ready to be snapped in the garage.
Where is Michael? Drowning himself in aftershave.
What did you tell him? Nothing.
How are things going with Dominic? You've been seeing quite a bit of him.
I can't believe he's the person I used to play doctors and nurses with.
He doesn't believe in sex before marriage and I've told him I feel the same.
I think that particular boat has sailed.
I think it's a microscopic dot on the horizon.
(Sniffs and coughs) How do I look? I did push-ups.
Where are my models? Waiting in the garage.
(Crowd shout) Give us a C C! - Give us a C? What are they spelling? - I don't know.
Hi, Alfie.
Can't stop.
Couple of hot models waiting for me.
They are hot, right? Oh Sssss! Fact.
All supermodels marry photographers.
It's a mutually-dependent, work-based relationship.
They never last.
They're models.
(Crowd shouting) Give me a T T! What have you got? Cyclist! Oh, "cyclist".
Alfie? What are the coffee mugs for? Oh, just giving the cyclists some sustenance.
They're extremely parched after their long vigil.
Are you completely insane? They are picketing my house.
They are keeping me awake.
You do not give them coffee.
Mr Harper, it's that sort of belligerence that has upset the cycling community in the first place.
If you ask me, you should make some sort of gesture.
I'm about to, Alfie.
Believe me.
I was going to suggest some sort of appeasement.
Yes.
You're making our lives hell.
You have to apologise.
I would rather have a chimp remove my spleen with rusty scissors.
Be careful for what you wish.
Remember, whatever happens tonight, Fat Hilary has to believe our lives are perfect.
- I'm going to kill you! - Whoa! There are naked men in our garage.
Now, when you say perfect It's all under control.
Roger and Abi are hard at it in the kitchen, Janey's out with Dominic, Alfie's in his room, Michael's in the garage.
- Has he stopped twitching? - Only just.
But the L150 I gave him soon convinced him to carry on.
Remember, whatever the Jessops suggest, our lives have been brilliant.
- (Doorbell) - What have our lives been? Er, brilliant? Are you ready for this? Hurry, hurry! Go! (Crowd shouting) (Ben) You morons! I've just been pelted with eggs by those cyclists.
Sorry.
Chap next door's been causing quite a fuss.
Ben Harper.
- Richard Jessop.
- Really? So sorry.
Come through.
Ben, do the drinks while I check on the food.
- Can I help, Susan? - No! I mean You just relax.
I invited you, remember? Roger? Roger? Sorry about that, Susan.
Just maintaining the subterfuge.
- How's everything going? - Oh, it's absolutely (bleep!) brilliant.
He's been working his (bleep!) socks off.
You wait till you get your (bleep!) lips around that (bleep!) knife.
It's going to fall off the (bleep!) bone.
It's a (bleep!) triumph.
I wish I'd taken her to see Gary Rhodes instead of Gordon Ramsay.
I'll settle her down.
I don't mean to be rude, Susan, but you'd best leave us to it.
The (bleep!) clock's ticking here.
Honestly, Dominic, I am happy to wait.
Ooh.
Sorry.
- Lime cordial's going to my head.
- Janey, I should just come clean.
The reason I'm saving myself is because I have intimacy issues.
My counsellor has told me it all stems from a game of doctors and nurses when I was six.
Oh.
Just out of interest, do you happen to remember who played the nurse? No.
Her face is still just a blur.
Most of the time she had her skirt over her head.
Thank God I mean, what a pity.
That lamb was amazing, Susan.
Yes.
Very nice.
Any more? Do you want me to go and ask? I mean, check.
Check.
No, no.
Richard won't have any more.
I understand your eldest son's a merchant banker.
Mm.
Is he ever.
More wine, Ricardo? And their daughter has a little boy called Kenzo.
Strange name.
What does his father do? Impregnates college students and scarpers.
Ben.
Did I tell you our lives are brilliant? - (Phone) - The answering machine can get that.
(Machine bleeps) (Roger) Susan, it's me.
We can't find the cheese board.
(Abi) It's all right.
I found it in the (bleepl) cupboard Reverend Thomas and his wife.
Always losing things.
Oh, no.
- And who's this? - Alfie's staying with us.
We like to support young artists.
Or indeed anyone who knocks on the front door.
I've finished your hit single, Mrs Harper.
Did you hear that, Hilary? Hit single.
That'll help the nursery.
- You don't have to play it now, Alfie.
- No, no.
It's OK.
Why bother giving money to the homeless and the poor When there's an extra special cause right here That needs your cash much more Kenzo's school Kenzo's school Those over-privileged toddlers need some playmats and the rule Oh-oh-oh, Kenzo's school Kenzo's school Yes.
Thank you very much, Alfie.
I was thinking of calling it Kenzo's School.
I gathered that.
We'll give you a call.
Thanks, Alfie.
Mrs Harper, if it's OK with you, I think I'll take some soup to the cyclists.
Cycl?! You will not You will not feed those Lycra-clad vermin! - You don't like cyclists? - Love 'em under the wheels of a juggernaut.
- I'm a cyclist.
- Yeah? I thought you might be.
I think it's motorists that are the bigger threat.
Only a few days ago, I was innocently cycling into Hollywell Avenue when a maniac in a blue Saab nearly ran me down.
I bounced off his wing.
Lucky not to be killed.
Well, it's not too late.
You're getting a bill for a scratched wing.
- You! - You! You gave me a V sign! What did you think you were playing at? Observing the Highway Code, which is more than cyclists ever do! - I've a mind to smack you in the mouth.
- Really? Try.
I can fix my own teeth.
(Ben) Don't you get me! Not the Pavlova! He spent ages on that, you (bleep!) Philistines! Did I tell you how brilliant our lives are? Susan, you'll never guess what's happened.
Fantastic news! - I know.
The calendars have arrived.
- That's not what I was going to say.
So? What do you think? I worked hard on these by myself.
OK.
Let's have a Oh dear, oh dear.
I'm not sure about Mr February.
Yes.
First time I've ever looked at someone and mentally dressed them.
Anyway, the order book's full.
That's one in the eye for Fat Hilary.
Darling, did you check these before you sent them to the printer's? Yes, of course I did.
Did you notice anything in the mirror? - Oh, my God.
- Oh, yes.
You can see everything they've got.
And I don't mean just courgettes and baps either.
Ooh! You can see everything on all of them.
- Ooh.
- Oh, God.
What am I going to do? I've got 3,000 of these.
Sorry, darling.
I'm expected down at the TV station.
- What? - Yup.
That was my news.
They want to do a live interview.
Well, isn't that just tickety-boo? The calendars have flopped - unlike Mr September.
And big fat Hilary's going to crow louder than a big fat crow.
But all you can do is think about yourself.
Well, go to your precious TV interview.
Make it impossible for us to leave our own home.
Ruin your family's life forever.
OK.
Be back about seven.
Ironic, really.
Having messed up so many men, I finally meet a man I really like only to find I've done the damage 18 years earlier.
If I could go back in time, I could No.
My skirt would still be up.
- Are you all right, Mum? - Just tense.
God knows what your father's going to say.
It's on.
(TV) Meanwhile, in leafy west London, dentist, Ben Harper, has been stirring up a hornet's nest with his outspoken views on cyclists.
How did he get through that mob? Ben, this isn't the look I was expecting.
- I thought you hated cyclists.
- Oh, Trevor, Trevor, Trevor.
No, no, no.
My words have been taken completely out of context.
You called them "lentil-munching pansies.
" Let's not nit-pick, Trevor.
I'm here to set the record straight.
I mean, to me cyclists are the salt of the earth.
- What's Dad doing? - Something he's never done before.
- What? - The right thing.
And to prove my commitment, I'm going on the West London Bike-athon.
With all the proceeds going to the Beaker Street nursery school.
I've never been so proud of Ben as I am right now.
It's all right.
All the cyclists are leaving.
It's just like the end of Zulu.
(Doorbell) Hilary.
Please come in.
I've been meaning to call you to apologise for last week's dinner party.
Well, I imagine you've had other things to occupy you.
Like the calendars.
- Oh.
You've heard.
- Word gets around.
I am so sorry.
Of course, it does mean I have raised a lot more money than you.
Hilary, it doesn't even matter any more because something wonderful just happened.
My husband swallowed his pride and did something to save the sanity of his family.
My daughter turned her life around - albeit for two days.
And my son has taken obscene photographs.
I'm so proud of them all.
What? Hilary, what's the matter? There, there.
Sit down.
Oh, Susan - Why can't my life be like yours? - I'm sorry? But your life is perfect.
It is not.
Believe me, it is not.
It is a sham from top to bottom.
My husband is having an affair, my eldest son is sexually confused and his younger brother is doing time in Ford Open Prison.
Oh, Hilary.
I had no idea.
I'm so sorry.
I just had to get it off my chest.
- Here you are.
Drink this, Fat Hilary.
- Thank you.
I won't encroach on your evening any more.
Thank you for being honest with me.
Hilary, you have so much to offer, you've got your whole life ahead of you and you've lost so much weight.
And if you need anything, day or night, just call.
Thank you, Susan.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Yes! I win! Whee! It made sense, darling.
It was a sacrifice I was prepared to make for you and the family.
That and the fact I couldn't get the car out.
And there was no way I was going to walk to work every day.
- I love a man with principles.
- I know.
Goodbye.
Ben, what else did you say on that programme? Well, nothing much.
I think Ah, yes.
I may have mentioned that all builders are shiftless cowboys.