Northern Exposure s06e02 Episode Script
Eye of the Beholder
Hey, some ranchero Lester Haynes got himself, huh? Well, you know, Reynaldo, Lester is pretty rich.
Why we're here, Ed.
Haynes' kind of bread, a certain element's going to try and grab a slice.
Take this case.
Slip and fall.
Insurance fraud.
Pays the P.
I.
's bills.
Wow.
Me involved in a fraud investigation.
Mr.
Pinetree? You're a little early.
Oh, afternoon, miss.
We're here to see Mr.
Haynes.
Ed Chigliak? Are you with him? Well, part-time.
Look, Dad had to go to Calgary for a bull auction.
But the insurance guy's here, Mr.
Lewis.
He's taking pictures out back, you know, where it happened.
This way, miss? I'll tell you one thing, I don't know what that Hayden Keyes is trying to prove.
He's lying through his teeth.
He didn't hurt his back or his neck.
He got up and walked away.
So you saw it? Well, I saw it, but I was in the house.
You guys want something to drink or anything? No, thanks, we had a couple of RCs on the way over.
Mr.
Lewis? Bill Lewis, here.
Anchorage Casualty.
Reynaldo Pinetree.
My operative, Ed Chigliak.
Mr.
Chigliak.
Basically, Mr.
Pinetree, the situation.
Claimant Keyes was on the insured's property in performance of his regular duties of yard work and light construction.
Okay.
He was toting a load of chicken wire from his truck over in the parking area.
Proceeding through here to the hound run site there.
Building a hound run? Okay.
Now, here, adjacent to the northwest corner of the garden, he steps on his rake, rake cantilevers up, strikes him in the face, he loses his balance, and over he goes.
Yeah, well, I just can't believe he'd sue my Dad.
$50,000.
It's so mean.
But, Heather, I saw Hayden in town.
And, well, he had a neck brace on and everything.
He was walking with one of those little aluminum dealies.
Keyes wouldn't be the first con to step into a medical supply store.
All too true these days.
Man slips and falls, the next thing you know, it's his day job.
Hey, Hayden, how are you feeling? I heard about your accident.
It's no picnic.
Well, hang in there, huh? Ira, could we shake a leg? The auction is tonight, you know.
And we've still got to catalog and clean and set up the coffee urns, and Okay, fine.
Hi, Ruth-Anne.
Hi, Maggie.
Hi.
Whoa, is all this stuff for the library benefit? Mmm-hmm.
You guys made a, quite a haul.
Mmm-hmm.
Do you have something for us? Yes, I think you're going to love it.
See what you think.
Voila! Oh, my.
Yeah, it's a Boss Tweed.
You know, Tammany Hall? Isn't he cute? Little three-piece suit, and little mustache, and, guess what? It's a bank.
Oh, yes, I know.
You do? You put a coin in his hand, and it drops right Into his pocket.
I just love these old mechanical banks.
Don't you? You do? Uh-huh.
My Aunt Elsa used to have a Tammany in her pantry.
When I was a little girl, she used to lift me up and let me put the coin in the hand.
And her kitchen always smelled of ginger snaps.
Well, my grammy sent me that for my birthday last year.
It was my grampy's.
It's funny how these old things bring back memories.
Summon all the ones you loved so close.
You're an angel to give this up, dear.
This is Pichon Lalande, You've got a terrific palate, Maurice.
Oh, but, Maurice, what's this? That '73 Pomerol.
The Chateau Breve.
You didn't drink it yet.
So much wine, so little time.
You think she's peaked? One way to find out.
Be my guest.
That cork came out awful easy.
Bad cork.
Vinegar.
Hmm, what a shame.
Nearly a full case over there, too.
I guess I have to figure out a way to unload it.
Good sight line, plenty of cover.
No way he's going to make you, Ed.
Wait! I've got him.
There he is, I've got Hayden! All right, you see anything suspicious, snap a picture.
Don't be afraid to shoot some film.
Okay, wait.
He's reading a magazine.
Wired.
Now, wait, wait, wait.
He's lighting a pipe.
It's lit.
Here's your recorder for your wire tap.
Phone rings, hit the switch.
This here, this is your parabolic dish, it's very important.
Picks up your ambient sounds.
Okay, ambient sounds.
Now you mount the brackets on the ledge like so.
Point the saucer, turn up the gain.
Put on your headphones and sit back.
You'll be able to hear a mouse in its bedroom slippers with this baby.
Boy, that is a lot of potato chips.
Ed? You with me so far? You got the dish down? Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, point the dish, turn up the gain.
Good, 'cause I gotta let you fly solo tonight.
I got that skip trace first thing a.
m.
like I told you, and I need some sleep.
Otherwise, I'd stay in the trenches with you.
Reynaldo? Yeah? Well, I don't know, it just feels kind of funny.
You know, we're watching Hayden do stuff and he doesn't know it.
We're spying on him, trying to catch him.
Yeah, maybe if we're lucky, we'll bust him tonight.
But, Reynaldo, I like Hayden.
I mean, we're friends.
There was this one time, I was fishing for chub, I ran out of bait right there in the middle of the river, and Hayden, he just throws me some of this cornmeal balls, and says, "There you go, Ed.
" Ed, maybe we won't bust him tonight.
Maybe we'll find him innocent and vindicate him.
Did you ever think about that? Well One way or the other, you know, the case is closed.
Justice is served.
Look, I've got to run.
Remember, alert, aware, awake.
And whatever you do, stay in the truck.
Every minute, eyes on the prize.
Right.
Holling, come see.
Matching salt and peppers, shakes out their hair.
Well, I don't think so, hon.
Looks like to me that that arm's been glued.
But take a look at this.
This is a handsome electric knife.
Don't you think? Hon, I donated that, remember? The cord got all squirrelly and I toasted the wall socket.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Wow! H! Feast 'em! Man, that is some kind of dollhouse! Two floors, fully furnished.
H.
, Randi's first b-day is coming up, what do you think? Teensy-weensy shutters Look at this, they even open and close.
I tried to S.
O.
S.
the mold off the trim, but it's been sitting in somebody's damp old cellar.
All you got to do is tag it with a couple of coats of Sherwin-Williams, it'll be totally spiff.
H.
, can we? For Randi? It'd blow her little socks off.
Well, we'll just have to get it then, won't we? What did you find? Something you like? Well, actually, I donated this.
It's an old cast-iron bank of my grammy's, she sent it to me for my birthday last year.
Really? Your grandmother? No kidding.
What? Nothing, I just I remember her, she was an interesting woman, your grammy.
I liked her.
Yeah, I like her, too.
Just because I gave this away, it doesn't mean I don't like her.
Well, I didn't say that.
I mean, I love my grammy, I do.
We're very close, you know.
It just was in my closet and the library needed stuff, I mean, what did you expect? I didn't expect anything, I didn't say anything.
I just feel badly, you know? You want to go look at records? Well, I don't know, is it just records, or do they have any CDs? Hey, Holling, isn't this your old twelve-gauge? It was just hanging on the wall.
If somebody puts a new spring in that trigger, she's still got a lot of kills left in her.
Do you remember when we were up at Lemon Creek? That bull moose charged and you let him have it with both barrels? Yeah.
Old Bill said, "What did you do that for? "He was just coming in for tea.
" I forgot about that.
Old bill.
Those were some times.
Maurice? Uh-huh.
This 1973 red wine, this is not from your cellar? Oh, you don't want that wine, Holling, trust me.
Well, I like a glass of tasty wine, along with the next fellow.
As long as, you know, the bidding doesn't get too dear.
Hmm.
Miss Adele is right.
There's nothing in our federaI or state constitution that guarantees shelter.
guarantee a person's right not to be searched.
Hayden here.
Hi, it's me.
Oh, hey, Marsha.
Just got the kids to bed, finally a little peace.
You coming over? Oh, I can't get a sitter, hon.
Oh, I had a hot tub, even got my shoulders waxed.
Oh, Big Bear got his shoulders all soft and smooth? Sure did.
Big Bear misses his Marsha? I miss my Marsha-Warsha.
Oh, Big bear misses little Snug-Pie.
Oh, miss little Snug-Pie's kisses, kisses.
Oh, my Snookie-Toes.
$50 bid, now who goes $60? Do I hear $60, more on the wine? $60 one time on the wine, $60 anybody? $60! Who goes $70? $70, one time on the wine, $70.
$70, who will go $80? I got $70 who will go $80 on the wine? $80 anybody? $80.
$80 bid, now who will go $90? $90 on the wine, nobody in for $90.
Ninety bucks for ten bottles of wine? This is French, folks.
It's the real deal.
I'd buy it myself.
Now, who will go $90 one time on the wine? Who'll give me $90 one time? $90 from the man in the huntin' cap, thank you very much.
Now who will go $100 bill? $100.
$100.
Now you go $110, you go $110 in the back? $110.
$110, now.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Who'll go $120? Go $120 one time.
Give me $120 one time.
$130.
$130.
Now you want to go $140.
$140.
$140.
Now you want to go $150.
You go $150, one time, Holling what do you say? $180.
$180, thank you very much.
Now you want to go $190 in the back.
You go $190 one time on the wine.
$190, anybody? $190, anywhere? Sold to Holling Vincoeur, for $180.
Enjoy, Holling, I'll be over.
Goll', cool.
You won it, babe.
Oh, what's this? Another winner? Lot four, item one.
Now what's it say? A genuine Tammany bank.
Cast-iron, circa 1890.
Now, folks, this will buy some volumes for that library expansion of yours.
All right, who will get me started on the piggy bank? $50.
What? $50.
This ain't Sleetmute.
The floor's $100.
We've got an antique here.
Now, who will go a $100 bill? $100 bill one time, who will give $100 one time? $100, anywhere? $100, anybody? $100.
That didn't hurt now, did it? Now, who will go higher? $125.
$125.
Now you want to go $150, give me $150, Maggie, one time, you go $150.
$150.
$150.
Now you go $175.
$175.
Chris, will you cut it out? I want to buy this thing back.
Go $200 one time, what about a $200 bid? $200 to the dapper gentleman in the rear.
Now you want to go $225.
$300.
$300.
Now you want to go $400 in the back.
$400 in the back one time, $400.
Now you want to go $500? Give me $500, Chris, give me $500 one time.
I think you'll go higher.
$500.
$500.
Now you want to go $600? $600 in the back.
Are you done in the back? $600, anybody? $600 for the piggy bank.
Sold, right there, for $500.
Yes.
You have fun with that now, Chris.
All right, bring up another let's go.
What have we got here? Hey, Ed.
Hey, Hayden.
I didn't expect to see you here.
Well, that is, I did not expect to see you here either.
This back's killing me, it's a bitch getting around.
Yeah.
You going to see the doc, too, huh? Oh, me? No.
Well, yeah, I was.
Well, I'll be seeing you later, Hayden.
That is, we'll see each other.
Doctor Fleischman? May I have a moment of your time? Hey, yeah, what's up? Well, I'm working with Reynaldo Pinetree, on the insurance fraud Investigation of Hayden Keyes.
So, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions.
Investigation with Pinetree, huh? You're a detective now? Well, in training.
Quite the Renaissance man, Ed.
Shaman, bag-boy.
I hope your paper route doesn't suffer.
Oh, no, I did it on the way home from the stakeout of Hayden's house.
See that's the thing, Doctor Fleischman, we're trying to catch him.
So I wanted to ask you, is Hayden really hurt? Well, I can't discuss a patient's medical condition with you.
You know that.
There's ethical considerations, you know, a little matter of doctor-patient confidentially.
Yeah, I thought you might say that, Doctor Fleischman, thanks anyway.
But, if you were to, say, hypothetically, to ask me as a private citizen, as a civilian, given my past history with our friend Hayden, as a petty criminal and light-finger, perhaps, even an occasional practitioner of three-card monte.
Could someone like him jump at the opportunity to feign injury for his own financial gain? Oh, I would say, possibly.
So he's not hurt? Well, the thing is, complaints of neck and back pain are very difficult to disprove.
Medical evidence or lack thereof not withstanding.
So he's not not hurt.
You're not going to get me to give the guy a clean bill of health.
Expose myself to a lawsuit with my malpractice insurance? No way.
Hey, H.
Look what I found.
It was stuffing in the downstairs davenport.
What, an old bit of yellowed newspaper? Old? It's ancient.
See, "- ril"? Probably "April.
" April 6, 1892.
Wow.
Lucky the woodworms didn't get at it.
That goes back quite a ways.
Yeah.
Way, way, way back.
Shelly, if you want me to paint and scrape this thing, I'd better get to it.
So it will be nice and dry for Randi's birthday tomorrow.
Mmm-hmm.
So, Hayden's truck is over there.
And he's carrying the chicken wire and building the hound run there.
And the rake, the rake is right here by the garden.
Ed, he didn't look where he was going and he tripped on his rake and that's why he fell.
I know.
But I just wanted to see it again because, see, I got to thinking last night, while I'm sitting there watching his house, if Hayden's building a dog run there, and tacking chicken wire and stuff, then what does he need with this rake? He's our yard man, Ed.
I know, I know.
Wow, you really were out there watching his house.
Weren't you afraid you'd get caught? Hayden's a big guy.
Well, I parked pretty far away, Heather.
Plus, I was real aware of his every move.
What, with our parabolic dish, wire taps, telephoto lenses You could see right inside his house? And hear everything.
What did you see? Was he walking? Is he faking? Did you catch him? No.
Oh.
But, Heather, we're going to keep on watching him.
Well, I mean, Reynaldo will tonight, and then I will, and then he So, what are you doing? When? Tonight.
Oh, going fishing.
Really? Who with? Well, just me with myself.
You like to fish? It's a little boring, but I like the lake a lot.
Especially at night.
Spirit Lake.
My Dad's got a lodge.
Really? Hey, do you want to go? We can take the boat out.
I'll pack a basket for us.
You mean, like, me and you? I'll pick you up around 7:00.
We'll have fun, okay? Okay.
Hey, Chris? You in there? Yoo-hoo? Hey.
Hey, what are you doing? Oh, I'm just doing a little detail work on this guy.
Hardly needs it, he's a beaut.
Oh, yeah.
Well, actually, actually, Chris, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I'd like to buy him back.
What? The bank? Yeah.
You know, what did you pay for him, $500? God, that's a lot of money.
Are you kidding? I stole this guy for that.
Original paint, the face is mint.
No brass or lead repair, I mean, look, this is a magnet.
Iron, iron, iron, iron, all iron.
Check it out, he's in the book.
Book? Yeah.
Kovels' Antiques and Collectibles.
Wow, here it is.
There's a book about these things? Yeah, look.
Let me see.
Tammany mechanical bank.
Where is it? Right here.
Rarity, three, value, ten.
Times adjustable factor 1.
3 $700.
That's right.
And just think what he'd go for in an open auction, say, Christie's? Okay, I'll reimburse you.
$500.
No, I'm never going to sell him.
I love him, plus I need him for my collection.
Collection? Yeah, look.
A collection of old cast-iron banks? Ta-da.
Uncle Sam.
Flatiron Building.
Independence Hall Tower.
William Tell.
Stopped robbing them, started collecting them.
All right.
$550.
No, look, I waited a long time for a Boss Tweed.
Chris, come on, you know, it's just that it's, it's sentimental.
You know, my grammy gave it to me.
Oh, why did you give him away then? Fine.
Hey? If you're going to be that way.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'd learned that in the time we got here.
What's the bird made of? Porcelain or black stone, I don't know.
I only saw it once for a few minutes.
Floyd showed it to me when we first got hold of it.
You are a liar.
I am.
I've always been a liar.
Don't Don't brag about it.
Was there any truth at all in that yarn? Some.
Not very much.
Well, we've got all night.
Coffee will be ready soon, we'll have a cup and try again.
Oh, I'm I'm so tired.
So tired of Iying, making up lies.
Wow.
It's the dollhouse.
Hello, are you lost, dear? Ruth-Anne, what are you doing here? Ruth-Anne? No, Phyllis Mink.
Miss Mink? From second grade? No, Mrs.
Floyd Mink, from Cordova.
Tea, dear? What are you doing in Miranda's dollhouse? Oh, so that's whose it is now.
Now? Well, it was mine.
My daddy made it for me when I had to miss my first day of school.
You should have seen me.
Little dress, pencils all sharpened.
Rip-tooting for my first day out in the big world.
Guess what? I came down with scarlet fever.
Got quarantined.
Wait, wait, so you were the little girl? This was yours? Well, it went to Flo next, that's my sister, and then Flo's Lois, and Cousin Dolly's child, I think.
I don't know what happened to it after that.
But you're so old.
Old? Dear, I'm dead.
Really? Since 1957.
Myocardial infarction.
So, this was yours when you were little, and now you're That's where the parade's headed, honey.
No.
No! No! So it was a pigeon, in the washing machine? Yeah, and he's going, "hoo, hoo.
" So I think it's an owl, right? A really big owl.
But it was the echo in the washing machine.
How did it get in there, I wonder? I couldn't figure that out myself.
I bet he was good and hungry by the time I let him out, though.
Just a good thing you were at the dump that day, or that bird would have starved.
I think most anybody would have helped it.
But you did.
Well, it's just because I was there that day.
Actually, I go down to the dump quite a lot.
I found this really good pair of boots this one time.
Black with these little zipper things.
I'm talking too much, huh? No, Ed, I think you're really interesting.
I think you're really interesting, too, Heather.
Plus, you're really a good cook.
The salad was delicious.
Lettuce especially.
That's because it's fresh from my garden.
Oh, it is? I had terrible leaf larvae this year.
I sprayed just in time to save the romaine.
Oh, don't worry, I washed it.
Oh, the garden's yours? What? The garden, by the path.
Where the rake was, is yours.
Well, not mine, per se.
It's everybody's, really.
I shouldn't take all the credit for it.
Mom's in there all the time, weeding, weeding, weeding.
You should see Dad's okra.
Okra! Say, you know, I love okra.
Stewed okra is really good.
Sliced and fried okra, I like that, too.
Well, we're not supposed to be just sitting here, we're supposed to be fishing.
Let's get you out there, huh? Reynaldo, I got your bear claws and RC.
Slide in.
Don't slam it.
Man, this Keyes is a dud.
Fell asleep watching C-SPAN around 2:00, with lights blazing.
El zippo after that.
Yeah.
He watches a lot of C-SPAN.
Mmm, the glaze is good this morning.
They were just pulling them out of the deep fat fryer when I got there.
I traded Holling some of the fish I caught last night for them.
Yeah? You went fishing? Arctic grayling, Reynaldo.
Caught eight, must have weighed two pounds each.
Heather doesn't even like to fish.
Hers must have weighed a full four.
Heather? This Heather? Her father's got a real neat lodge up on Spirit Lake, Reynaldo.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You spent the night, last night with Heather Haynes? They have a dock and everything.
Say, we should go up there I bet she'd let us, Reynaldo, she's real nice.
Ed, are you crazy? Are you nuts? You shacked up with this girl? Oh, no, Reynaldo, nothing like that, we just went fishing.
Yeah, sure, you bet.
No, Reynaldo.
I swear.
Cross my heart, I swear.
I slept on the porch.
Ed, this girl's father's a client.
You know how bad it looks? This case goes to court, Hayden's attorney finds out that you were buddy-palling around.
Oh.
That's right.
Collusion could be inferred.
You know, all the evidence we collected? Testimony? Tainted, all of it.
Wasted, yesterday's news.
Oh, no, she was real nice and everything, Reynaldo.
She made me a salad.
It's unprofessional, Ed.
Now you've got to realize that this job provides plenty of opportunity to meet women in distress.
Babes go for a P.
I.
You've got to stay above it.
Can't be fooled.
You've got to lead with your head.
You know what I'm saying? I told her we'd go cave-crawling.
Well, I'll just have to call her and tell her we can't.
I'm sorry, Ed.
Here, have some of my bear claw.
Heads up, hot plate.
Birthday pork roast coming through.
Now, where's Shelly? That gal has been in a perfect snit ever since sunrise.
I believe I saw her take that dollhouse and head thataway.
Shel, there you are, we're ready to sit down, hon.
Where's the dollhouse? In the cellar.
The cellar? What for? Because Shelly, that's Randi's big gift.
Well, I don't want to give it to her, Holling.
She's just going to get it and then she's going to give it away.
And then she's going to get old and be dead like Phyllis Mink.
Sorry, Ruth-Anne.
But she will.
Shelly recently took Randi off the teat.
I think it's troubled her hormones.
Right.
Weaning, that's another one.
Today she's one, tomorrow she'll be potty-trained.
And then, boom, she's off to school with her lunch pail and her pencils, if she doesn't get scarlet fever.
Shelly, it's just a little toy house.
The birthday, the dollhouse, they're all steps along the way.
And where does that go, Holling, huh? Away.
That's where.
Well, it's not fair.
I just got her.
We all did.
I'll finish mashing the turnips.
You know, what this party needs is a little libation.
I've got just the perfect thing.
The red wine I got at the auction.
Holling, not the '73 Pomerol.
Don't you want to save that for a special occasion? My daughter's birthday? What could be more special than that? You know, these expensive bottles, the cork just slips right out.
Happy train starts here.
All aboard.
And I thought we were just going to have ice cream and cake.
A '73? Just a tad.
Well, hey, to Miranda.
(HOLLING GIVING TOAST IN BROKEN ITALIAN) Cheers.
Chugalug.
My, it is dry, isn't it? That's good grape, Holling.
It certainly does set right on the teeth.
Yeah, it's interesting.
Well, what are we waiting for? Hey, Chris.
Got a minute? Hey.
Yeah, yeah, just going over some books for the library.
Here's one that should be on every 20th century woman's bookshelf.
The Bell Jar.
You know, when I was in the joint, I had bars, Miss Plath, here, had the bell jar.
Too bad you couldn't hang in there, Sylvia.
Hmm.
Not this one, buddy.
Chris? What? You know insurance fraud, right? Yeah.
Okay, think "personal injury.
" You say there's something wrong with you, only, there's nothing really wrong with you.
And you get caught.
What's going to happen to you? You broke the case, huh? You nailed the big man.
I really can't talk about it, Chris.
It's confidential.
That's cool.
He was dancing, Chris.
Dancing all over the place.
You know, line dancing, I've got it all, right in here.
He was faking, buddy.
He was faking the whole time.
Well, I'm shocked, but I'm not surprised.
You're not? Come on, a guy like Hayden? A chance like this comes along.
He lands his can in some rich man's yard, man, he found a ticket to the big spin.
What's gonna happen to him? Nabbed in a felony like this? Those prior convictions, check-kiting, impersonating a peace officer.
Three to five, out in two.
Years? Years.
It's no picnic in there, Ed.
Bad food.
No babes.
Psychotic bunkmate.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
Hope he can pull it off.
Most do.
Thanks, Chris.
Yeah, good luck.
Ed, hey, hi.
I thought cave-crawling was this afternoon.
Well, that's why I'm here, Heather.
We can't go.
Why not? Because you're a client.
Well, you're the daughter of a client.
For now, anyway.
What's that supposed to mean.
We're just going to look at some old bones and stuff.
I know.
And I was hoping to find a skull or something for my bookshelf at school.
A wolf, maybe, that would be cool.
Think we'd see one? Ed? Rake.
What? The rake, the salad.
No.
Ed.
You were gardening, weren't you? And then you left the rake out, didn't you? No! You left the rake out and then Hayden stepped on it, isn't that right? And then you lied.
You lied to me, you lied to Mr.
Lewis.
You even lied to your father, isn't that right? Well, I had to answer the phone.
And Daddy would have flipped.
He was already PO'd about what happened to the Range Rover.
And Hayden is still lying, Ed, I know it.
He might have stepped on the rake, but he didn't hurt himself.
Oh, Heather.
Ed.
Reynaldo was right.
He was right about you.
You never liked me.
You were just playing me for a sap.
No, I wanted to tell you.
And Hayden, poor, poor Hayden.
You don't know, Heather.
You don't even know what you've done.
So he's more important to you than me? Ed, please.
Goodbye, Heather.
Are those for me? Remembered you savor a hare stew.
White tails.
Good pelts.
That end fellow, there, chewed his leg pretty bad.
Wow! Well, Mr.
Bunny.
Won't you join me for dinner? Thanks, Walt.
Enjoy.
Good morning, Walter.
Well, what's the matter with you? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Minnifield.
You knew that wine was cooked.
Wine? Don't stand there and play Nancy-Know-Nothing with me, Mister.
I was a member of Les Amis du Vin before Gallo had corks.
Oh, well, caveat emptor, that's my motto.
If he wants to play with the big boys, he'd better keep his mind on the game.
Criminy, Maurice.
The man's your friend.
Yeah, he's my friend, and I don't hear him complaining, do you? Well, you saw him over there, chewing and sniffing and sipping.
That's disgusting.
The man wouldn't know a decent grape if it jumped up and bit him on the behind.
Hey, Chris.
Hey.
Are you busy? Just whipping up some bunny cacciatore here.
Brown these little guys, let them simmer.
Why don't you stay for supper? Well, actually, Chris, guess what? What? I came to talk to you about the bank.
Look, I thought we talked about this already.
I know we did, and look, I admit, I admit, I thought it was a stupid thing and I did dump it at the auction, all right? Look, I don't know what to do with it, I don't even like it, but I've got to have it back, Chris.
You know, it was my grandmother's.
My grandmother's, you know? I mean, I really had no right to give it away in the first place.
Well, you did.
Look, I'm willing to pay for it, all right? Full price.
$700.
I don't want to sell it.
Chris, but you can go out and buy another one.
$700! Buy another one, where? In pristine condition, tell me where? $750.
No.
$800.
No way.
$900.
Look, I told you no.
$1,000.
Sold.
What? I hate to see the little guy go.
You can write a check.
All right, now keep him out of the direct sun, because it ruins the paint.
Hayden! Hayden, wait up, Hayden.
Hey, Ed, some night.
I wouldn't wish it on a dog.
I'm going to give that acupuncturist up in Cantwell a try.
Oh, no, you're not, Hayden.
I've got to talk to you.
Ed, toss that deal in the back for me, will you? Oh, your walker, sure.
Thanks.
I'll catch you later.
No, Hayden, don't go.
I've got to talk to you.
I've got to tell you, you can't do it anymore.
Because I know.
What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about you.
There's nothing wrong with you, Hayden.
I saw you dancing last night.
You what? Get out of here.
It's all over, Hayden.
I was at the window.
I've been working surveillance for Reynaldo Pinetree.
And I got the whole thing on videotape.
Everything.
From the Diamond Slide to the Mississippi Slump.
You're cheating, Hayden.
That's wrong, and you know it.
And it's making everybody really mad.
Mr.
Lewis from the insurance company.
Mr.
Haynes and that Heather.
If they get ahold of that tape, well, they're going to take you away and lock you up for sure.
There ain't going to be no more fishing for you, or fixing cars, or nothing like that.
And why? Just because of some stupid old money.
So just cut it out, Hayden.
Don't do it anymore.
Reynaldo is going to be really, really mad.
But here.
Now, doesn't she look just like a little pumpkin? There you go.
The jumper's perfecto, babe.
Isn't it? Then what? Two months down the road, it will be stuffed in a drawer with all her other outgrown baby threads.
Shelly, stop acting like that.
I mean, it's just not healthy.
It's not going in a drawer? Well, yes, it is.
And Randi's going to keep on growing and growing by leaps and by bounds.
Finding her own self.
And yes, she'll be gone from our house.
Making her own way, her own family, and growing old.
Sure, passing on.
And hopefully we'll be gone by then.
Holling.
Well, it's true, Shelly.
And there's nothing we can do about it.
We come on to this Earth with the gift of life and it's a journey.
One that we all have to travel on our own.
Randi will move on.
But we'll have given her some help.
It's beautiful, when you think about it.
It's sad.
And it hurts.
And I think it sucks.
Well, I'd best see to my own toilette.
Come on, Randi.
Mommy's got to finish fixing her hair.
Oh, I see Bunky.
Look who I found.
Look who I found.
There's Bunky.
That's Bunky.
Hmm.
Mommy's sorry she's so low in a hole, Randi.
But she just didn't know how much it was going to hurt.
Everybody, excuse me.
May I have a minute, please? Now we owe some people some thanks.
Let's hear it for the aluminum can pick-up crew.
All right! And the pancake supper committee served Yeah! And, don't forget our library board.
Big hand! Now, we have 12 shelves and a new research carrel with lamp.
And, oh, by the way, there's a 30-minute limit on the carrel.
And no food or drink in this nook, you hear? And no more dog-earing or writing in the margins.
Anyway, a pot luck's serving up front.
Go on, enjoy.
Holling! Quick! What's wrong? Look.
Oh, my goodness, she's trying to walk.
Miranda.
Oh, child.
Look, get her to walk to you, Holling.
Okay, come on.
Whoops.
You can do it.
Come on.
Walk to Daddy.
Oh, Randi, come on.
Mama.
Good girl! I got you.
She's walking, Holling.
Looky.
Oh, Mama's girl.
You're such a big girl.
Presidente, here's those books I promised.
Is that it? Two? The Sound and the Fury and The World Almanac.
Thanks.
Sure.
Look out, everybody.
Runaway rug rat.
Well, she's walking.
I never.
Uh-oh.
You're okay, Mommy's got you.
Hello, Holling.
Evening, Maurice.
I was going through my cellar and I came up with this bottle of wine that I thought you might enjoy now that you've got the oenology bug.
Wine appreciation.
Oh.
It's a '61 Rothschild, one of my best.
I'm sure you'll enjoy it.
And you might want to peruse these magazines, too.
It's The Wine Spectator.
Some back issues that give you some ideas about vintages.
You know, what's hot, what's not.
You mean read about it? Yeah.
No, I don't think so, I don't have the time.
Besides, I know everything I need to know about it.
I know what I like.
But I will take the bottle.
Looks like a real lip-smacker.
Lip-smacker, yeah.
Hayden? Hey, here, let me help you with that box.
I got it, Holling.
Just my Funk and Wagnalls.
Hayden, you came without your walker.
I'm feeling a lot better.
Well, like one of those spontaneous miracles you read about in the tabloids.
Yeah, how did you guess? Smell it, Ed? B.
S.
I've got to get some air.
Hey, Reynaldo.
Aren't you gonna hang around for the free car wash raffle? No, I've got to catch up on some billing.
I guess I didn't do so hot, huh, Reynaldo? That tape belonged to Anchorage Casualty, Ed.
It was evidence.
I know it.
I'm sorry, Reynaldo, I am.
Rookie mistakes, kid.
Tape? The girl.
Oh, I really liked Heather, Reynaldo.
I know she lied, but she's not all bad.
She was just trying to protect her father.
And she really did see Hayden get up.
And then, I guess it was just easier for her not to tell.
What a tangled web we weave.
And Hayden? Well, Hayden's all right.
He's just kind of lazy.
And Heather's rake did hit him in the head.
He could have been really hurt.
It's not always black and white, Ed.
It rarely is.
But it's not our job to judge.
We're hired eyes.
Eyes and eyes only, understand? Okay.
Word of advice? Sure.
Don't play God.
See you around, Ed.
Why we're here, Ed.
Haynes' kind of bread, a certain element's going to try and grab a slice.
Take this case.
Slip and fall.
Insurance fraud.
Pays the P.
I.
's bills.
Wow.
Me involved in a fraud investigation.
Mr.
Pinetree? You're a little early.
Oh, afternoon, miss.
We're here to see Mr.
Haynes.
Ed Chigliak? Are you with him? Well, part-time.
Look, Dad had to go to Calgary for a bull auction.
But the insurance guy's here, Mr.
Lewis.
He's taking pictures out back, you know, where it happened.
This way, miss? I'll tell you one thing, I don't know what that Hayden Keyes is trying to prove.
He's lying through his teeth.
He didn't hurt his back or his neck.
He got up and walked away.
So you saw it? Well, I saw it, but I was in the house.
You guys want something to drink or anything? No, thanks, we had a couple of RCs on the way over.
Mr.
Lewis? Bill Lewis, here.
Anchorage Casualty.
Reynaldo Pinetree.
My operative, Ed Chigliak.
Mr.
Chigliak.
Basically, Mr.
Pinetree, the situation.
Claimant Keyes was on the insured's property in performance of his regular duties of yard work and light construction.
Okay.
He was toting a load of chicken wire from his truck over in the parking area.
Proceeding through here to the hound run site there.
Building a hound run? Okay.
Now, here, adjacent to the northwest corner of the garden, he steps on his rake, rake cantilevers up, strikes him in the face, he loses his balance, and over he goes.
Yeah, well, I just can't believe he'd sue my Dad.
$50,000.
It's so mean.
But, Heather, I saw Hayden in town.
And, well, he had a neck brace on and everything.
He was walking with one of those little aluminum dealies.
Keyes wouldn't be the first con to step into a medical supply store.
All too true these days.
Man slips and falls, the next thing you know, it's his day job.
Hey, Hayden, how are you feeling? I heard about your accident.
It's no picnic.
Well, hang in there, huh? Ira, could we shake a leg? The auction is tonight, you know.
And we've still got to catalog and clean and set up the coffee urns, and Okay, fine.
Hi, Ruth-Anne.
Hi, Maggie.
Hi.
Whoa, is all this stuff for the library benefit? Mmm-hmm.
You guys made a, quite a haul.
Mmm-hmm.
Do you have something for us? Yes, I think you're going to love it.
See what you think.
Voila! Oh, my.
Yeah, it's a Boss Tweed.
You know, Tammany Hall? Isn't he cute? Little three-piece suit, and little mustache, and, guess what? It's a bank.
Oh, yes, I know.
You do? You put a coin in his hand, and it drops right Into his pocket.
I just love these old mechanical banks.
Don't you? You do? Uh-huh.
My Aunt Elsa used to have a Tammany in her pantry.
When I was a little girl, she used to lift me up and let me put the coin in the hand.
And her kitchen always smelled of ginger snaps.
Well, my grammy sent me that for my birthday last year.
It was my grampy's.
It's funny how these old things bring back memories.
Summon all the ones you loved so close.
You're an angel to give this up, dear.
This is Pichon Lalande, You've got a terrific palate, Maurice.
Oh, but, Maurice, what's this? That '73 Pomerol.
The Chateau Breve.
You didn't drink it yet.
So much wine, so little time.
You think she's peaked? One way to find out.
Be my guest.
That cork came out awful easy.
Bad cork.
Vinegar.
Hmm, what a shame.
Nearly a full case over there, too.
I guess I have to figure out a way to unload it.
Good sight line, plenty of cover.
No way he's going to make you, Ed.
Wait! I've got him.
There he is, I've got Hayden! All right, you see anything suspicious, snap a picture.
Don't be afraid to shoot some film.
Okay, wait.
He's reading a magazine.
Wired.
Now, wait, wait, wait.
He's lighting a pipe.
It's lit.
Here's your recorder for your wire tap.
Phone rings, hit the switch.
This here, this is your parabolic dish, it's very important.
Picks up your ambient sounds.
Okay, ambient sounds.
Now you mount the brackets on the ledge like so.
Point the saucer, turn up the gain.
Put on your headphones and sit back.
You'll be able to hear a mouse in its bedroom slippers with this baby.
Boy, that is a lot of potato chips.
Ed? You with me so far? You got the dish down? Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, point the dish, turn up the gain.
Good, 'cause I gotta let you fly solo tonight.
I got that skip trace first thing a.
m.
like I told you, and I need some sleep.
Otherwise, I'd stay in the trenches with you.
Reynaldo? Yeah? Well, I don't know, it just feels kind of funny.
You know, we're watching Hayden do stuff and he doesn't know it.
We're spying on him, trying to catch him.
Yeah, maybe if we're lucky, we'll bust him tonight.
But, Reynaldo, I like Hayden.
I mean, we're friends.
There was this one time, I was fishing for chub, I ran out of bait right there in the middle of the river, and Hayden, he just throws me some of this cornmeal balls, and says, "There you go, Ed.
" Ed, maybe we won't bust him tonight.
Maybe we'll find him innocent and vindicate him.
Did you ever think about that? Well One way or the other, you know, the case is closed.
Justice is served.
Look, I've got to run.
Remember, alert, aware, awake.
And whatever you do, stay in the truck.
Every minute, eyes on the prize.
Right.
Holling, come see.
Matching salt and peppers, shakes out their hair.
Well, I don't think so, hon.
Looks like to me that that arm's been glued.
But take a look at this.
This is a handsome electric knife.
Don't you think? Hon, I donated that, remember? The cord got all squirrelly and I toasted the wall socket.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Wow! H! Feast 'em! Man, that is some kind of dollhouse! Two floors, fully furnished.
H.
, Randi's first b-day is coming up, what do you think? Teensy-weensy shutters Look at this, they even open and close.
I tried to S.
O.
S.
the mold off the trim, but it's been sitting in somebody's damp old cellar.
All you got to do is tag it with a couple of coats of Sherwin-Williams, it'll be totally spiff.
H.
, can we? For Randi? It'd blow her little socks off.
Well, we'll just have to get it then, won't we? What did you find? Something you like? Well, actually, I donated this.
It's an old cast-iron bank of my grammy's, she sent it to me for my birthday last year.
Really? Your grandmother? No kidding.
What? Nothing, I just I remember her, she was an interesting woman, your grammy.
I liked her.
Yeah, I like her, too.
Just because I gave this away, it doesn't mean I don't like her.
Well, I didn't say that.
I mean, I love my grammy, I do.
We're very close, you know.
It just was in my closet and the library needed stuff, I mean, what did you expect? I didn't expect anything, I didn't say anything.
I just feel badly, you know? You want to go look at records? Well, I don't know, is it just records, or do they have any CDs? Hey, Holling, isn't this your old twelve-gauge? It was just hanging on the wall.
If somebody puts a new spring in that trigger, she's still got a lot of kills left in her.
Do you remember when we were up at Lemon Creek? That bull moose charged and you let him have it with both barrels? Yeah.
Old Bill said, "What did you do that for? "He was just coming in for tea.
" I forgot about that.
Old bill.
Those were some times.
Maurice? Uh-huh.
This 1973 red wine, this is not from your cellar? Oh, you don't want that wine, Holling, trust me.
Well, I like a glass of tasty wine, along with the next fellow.
As long as, you know, the bidding doesn't get too dear.
Hmm.
Miss Adele is right.
There's nothing in our federaI or state constitution that guarantees shelter.
guarantee a person's right not to be searched.
Hayden here.
Hi, it's me.
Oh, hey, Marsha.
Just got the kids to bed, finally a little peace.
You coming over? Oh, I can't get a sitter, hon.
Oh, I had a hot tub, even got my shoulders waxed.
Oh, Big Bear got his shoulders all soft and smooth? Sure did.
Big Bear misses his Marsha? I miss my Marsha-Warsha.
Oh, Big bear misses little Snug-Pie.
Oh, miss little Snug-Pie's kisses, kisses.
Oh, my Snookie-Toes.
$50 bid, now who goes $60? Do I hear $60, more on the wine? $60 one time on the wine, $60 anybody? $60! Who goes $70? $70, one time on the wine, $70.
$70, who will go $80? I got $70 who will go $80 on the wine? $80 anybody? $80.
$80 bid, now who will go $90? $90 on the wine, nobody in for $90.
Ninety bucks for ten bottles of wine? This is French, folks.
It's the real deal.
I'd buy it myself.
Now, who will go $90 one time on the wine? Who'll give me $90 one time? $90 from the man in the huntin' cap, thank you very much.
Now who will go $100 bill? $100.
$100.
Now you go $110, you go $110 in the back? $110.
$110, now.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Who'll go $120? Go $120 one time.
Give me $120 one time.
$130.
$130.
Now you want to go $140.
$140.
$140.
Now you want to go $150.
You go $150, one time, Holling what do you say? $180.
$180, thank you very much.
Now you want to go $190 in the back.
You go $190 one time on the wine.
$190, anybody? $190, anywhere? Sold to Holling Vincoeur, for $180.
Enjoy, Holling, I'll be over.
Goll', cool.
You won it, babe.
Oh, what's this? Another winner? Lot four, item one.
Now what's it say? A genuine Tammany bank.
Cast-iron, circa 1890.
Now, folks, this will buy some volumes for that library expansion of yours.
All right, who will get me started on the piggy bank? $50.
What? $50.
This ain't Sleetmute.
The floor's $100.
We've got an antique here.
Now, who will go a $100 bill? $100 bill one time, who will give $100 one time? $100, anywhere? $100, anybody? $100.
That didn't hurt now, did it? Now, who will go higher? $125.
$125.
Now you want to go $150, give me $150, Maggie, one time, you go $150.
$150.
$150.
Now you go $175.
$175.
Chris, will you cut it out? I want to buy this thing back.
Go $200 one time, what about a $200 bid? $200 to the dapper gentleman in the rear.
Now you want to go $225.
$300.
$300.
Now you want to go $400 in the back.
$400 in the back one time, $400.
Now you want to go $500? Give me $500, Chris, give me $500 one time.
I think you'll go higher.
$500.
$500.
Now you want to go $600? $600 in the back.
Are you done in the back? $600, anybody? $600 for the piggy bank.
Sold, right there, for $500.
Yes.
You have fun with that now, Chris.
All right, bring up another let's go.
What have we got here? Hey, Ed.
Hey, Hayden.
I didn't expect to see you here.
Well, that is, I did not expect to see you here either.
This back's killing me, it's a bitch getting around.
Yeah.
You going to see the doc, too, huh? Oh, me? No.
Well, yeah, I was.
Well, I'll be seeing you later, Hayden.
That is, we'll see each other.
Doctor Fleischman? May I have a moment of your time? Hey, yeah, what's up? Well, I'm working with Reynaldo Pinetree, on the insurance fraud Investigation of Hayden Keyes.
So, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions.
Investigation with Pinetree, huh? You're a detective now? Well, in training.
Quite the Renaissance man, Ed.
Shaman, bag-boy.
I hope your paper route doesn't suffer.
Oh, no, I did it on the way home from the stakeout of Hayden's house.
See that's the thing, Doctor Fleischman, we're trying to catch him.
So I wanted to ask you, is Hayden really hurt? Well, I can't discuss a patient's medical condition with you.
You know that.
There's ethical considerations, you know, a little matter of doctor-patient confidentially.
Yeah, I thought you might say that, Doctor Fleischman, thanks anyway.
But, if you were to, say, hypothetically, to ask me as a private citizen, as a civilian, given my past history with our friend Hayden, as a petty criminal and light-finger, perhaps, even an occasional practitioner of three-card monte.
Could someone like him jump at the opportunity to feign injury for his own financial gain? Oh, I would say, possibly.
So he's not hurt? Well, the thing is, complaints of neck and back pain are very difficult to disprove.
Medical evidence or lack thereof not withstanding.
So he's not not hurt.
You're not going to get me to give the guy a clean bill of health.
Expose myself to a lawsuit with my malpractice insurance? No way.
Hey, H.
Look what I found.
It was stuffing in the downstairs davenport.
What, an old bit of yellowed newspaper? Old? It's ancient.
See, "- ril"? Probably "April.
" April 6, 1892.
Wow.
Lucky the woodworms didn't get at it.
That goes back quite a ways.
Yeah.
Way, way, way back.
Shelly, if you want me to paint and scrape this thing, I'd better get to it.
So it will be nice and dry for Randi's birthday tomorrow.
Mmm-hmm.
So, Hayden's truck is over there.
And he's carrying the chicken wire and building the hound run there.
And the rake, the rake is right here by the garden.
Ed, he didn't look where he was going and he tripped on his rake and that's why he fell.
I know.
But I just wanted to see it again because, see, I got to thinking last night, while I'm sitting there watching his house, if Hayden's building a dog run there, and tacking chicken wire and stuff, then what does he need with this rake? He's our yard man, Ed.
I know, I know.
Wow, you really were out there watching his house.
Weren't you afraid you'd get caught? Hayden's a big guy.
Well, I parked pretty far away, Heather.
Plus, I was real aware of his every move.
What, with our parabolic dish, wire taps, telephoto lenses You could see right inside his house? And hear everything.
What did you see? Was he walking? Is he faking? Did you catch him? No.
Oh.
But, Heather, we're going to keep on watching him.
Well, I mean, Reynaldo will tonight, and then I will, and then he So, what are you doing? When? Tonight.
Oh, going fishing.
Really? Who with? Well, just me with myself.
You like to fish? It's a little boring, but I like the lake a lot.
Especially at night.
Spirit Lake.
My Dad's got a lodge.
Really? Hey, do you want to go? We can take the boat out.
I'll pack a basket for us.
You mean, like, me and you? I'll pick you up around 7:00.
We'll have fun, okay? Okay.
Hey, Chris? You in there? Yoo-hoo? Hey.
Hey, what are you doing? Oh, I'm just doing a little detail work on this guy.
Hardly needs it, he's a beaut.
Oh, yeah.
Well, actually, actually, Chris, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I'd like to buy him back.
What? The bank? Yeah.
You know, what did you pay for him, $500? God, that's a lot of money.
Are you kidding? I stole this guy for that.
Original paint, the face is mint.
No brass or lead repair, I mean, look, this is a magnet.
Iron, iron, iron, iron, all iron.
Check it out, he's in the book.
Book? Yeah.
Kovels' Antiques and Collectibles.
Wow, here it is.
There's a book about these things? Yeah, look.
Let me see.
Tammany mechanical bank.
Where is it? Right here.
Rarity, three, value, ten.
Times adjustable factor 1.
3 $700.
That's right.
And just think what he'd go for in an open auction, say, Christie's? Okay, I'll reimburse you.
$500.
No, I'm never going to sell him.
I love him, plus I need him for my collection.
Collection? Yeah, look.
A collection of old cast-iron banks? Ta-da.
Uncle Sam.
Flatiron Building.
Independence Hall Tower.
William Tell.
Stopped robbing them, started collecting them.
All right.
$550.
No, look, I waited a long time for a Boss Tweed.
Chris, come on, you know, it's just that it's, it's sentimental.
You know, my grammy gave it to me.
Oh, why did you give him away then? Fine.
Hey? If you're going to be that way.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'd learned that in the time we got here.
What's the bird made of? Porcelain or black stone, I don't know.
I only saw it once for a few minutes.
Floyd showed it to me when we first got hold of it.
You are a liar.
I am.
I've always been a liar.
Don't Don't brag about it.
Was there any truth at all in that yarn? Some.
Not very much.
Well, we've got all night.
Coffee will be ready soon, we'll have a cup and try again.
Oh, I'm I'm so tired.
So tired of Iying, making up lies.
Wow.
It's the dollhouse.
Hello, are you lost, dear? Ruth-Anne, what are you doing here? Ruth-Anne? No, Phyllis Mink.
Miss Mink? From second grade? No, Mrs.
Floyd Mink, from Cordova.
Tea, dear? What are you doing in Miranda's dollhouse? Oh, so that's whose it is now.
Now? Well, it was mine.
My daddy made it for me when I had to miss my first day of school.
You should have seen me.
Little dress, pencils all sharpened.
Rip-tooting for my first day out in the big world.
Guess what? I came down with scarlet fever.
Got quarantined.
Wait, wait, so you were the little girl? This was yours? Well, it went to Flo next, that's my sister, and then Flo's Lois, and Cousin Dolly's child, I think.
I don't know what happened to it after that.
But you're so old.
Old? Dear, I'm dead.
Really? Since 1957.
Myocardial infarction.
So, this was yours when you were little, and now you're That's where the parade's headed, honey.
No.
No! No! So it was a pigeon, in the washing machine? Yeah, and he's going, "hoo, hoo.
" So I think it's an owl, right? A really big owl.
But it was the echo in the washing machine.
How did it get in there, I wonder? I couldn't figure that out myself.
I bet he was good and hungry by the time I let him out, though.
Just a good thing you were at the dump that day, or that bird would have starved.
I think most anybody would have helped it.
But you did.
Well, it's just because I was there that day.
Actually, I go down to the dump quite a lot.
I found this really good pair of boots this one time.
Black with these little zipper things.
I'm talking too much, huh? No, Ed, I think you're really interesting.
I think you're really interesting, too, Heather.
Plus, you're really a good cook.
The salad was delicious.
Lettuce especially.
That's because it's fresh from my garden.
Oh, it is? I had terrible leaf larvae this year.
I sprayed just in time to save the romaine.
Oh, don't worry, I washed it.
Oh, the garden's yours? What? The garden, by the path.
Where the rake was, is yours.
Well, not mine, per se.
It's everybody's, really.
I shouldn't take all the credit for it.
Mom's in there all the time, weeding, weeding, weeding.
You should see Dad's okra.
Okra! Say, you know, I love okra.
Stewed okra is really good.
Sliced and fried okra, I like that, too.
Well, we're not supposed to be just sitting here, we're supposed to be fishing.
Let's get you out there, huh? Reynaldo, I got your bear claws and RC.
Slide in.
Don't slam it.
Man, this Keyes is a dud.
Fell asleep watching C-SPAN around 2:00, with lights blazing.
El zippo after that.
Yeah.
He watches a lot of C-SPAN.
Mmm, the glaze is good this morning.
They were just pulling them out of the deep fat fryer when I got there.
I traded Holling some of the fish I caught last night for them.
Yeah? You went fishing? Arctic grayling, Reynaldo.
Caught eight, must have weighed two pounds each.
Heather doesn't even like to fish.
Hers must have weighed a full four.
Heather? This Heather? Her father's got a real neat lodge up on Spirit Lake, Reynaldo.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You spent the night, last night with Heather Haynes? They have a dock and everything.
Say, we should go up there I bet she'd let us, Reynaldo, she's real nice.
Ed, are you crazy? Are you nuts? You shacked up with this girl? Oh, no, Reynaldo, nothing like that, we just went fishing.
Yeah, sure, you bet.
No, Reynaldo.
I swear.
Cross my heart, I swear.
I slept on the porch.
Ed, this girl's father's a client.
You know how bad it looks? This case goes to court, Hayden's attorney finds out that you were buddy-palling around.
Oh.
That's right.
Collusion could be inferred.
You know, all the evidence we collected? Testimony? Tainted, all of it.
Wasted, yesterday's news.
Oh, no, she was real nice and everything, Reynaldo.
She made me a salad.
It's unprofessional, Ed.
Now you've got to realize that this job provides plenty of opportunity to meet women in distress.
Babes go for a P.
I.
You've got to stay above it.
Can't be fooled.
You've got to lead with your head.
You know what I'm saying? I told her we'd go cave-crawling.
Well, I'll just have to call her and tell her we can't.
I'm sorry, Ed.
Here, have some of my bear claw.
Heads up, hot plate.
Birthday pork roast coming through.
Now, where's Shelly? That gal has been in a perfect snit ever since sunrise.
I believe I saw her take that dollhouse and head thataway.
Shel, there you are, we're ready to sit down, hon.
Where's the dollhouse? In the cellar.
The cellar? What for? Because Shelly, that's Randi's big gift.
Well, I don't want to give it to her, Holling.
She's just going to get it and then she's going to give it away.
And then she's going to get old and be dead like Phyllis Mink.
Sorry, Ruth-Anne.
But she will.
Shelly recently took Randi off the teat.
I think it's troubled her hormones.
Right.
Weaning, that's another one.
Today she's one, tomorrow she'll be potty-trained.
And then, boom, she's off to school with her lunch pail and her pencils, if she doesn't get scarlet fever.
Shelly, it's just a little toy house.
The birthday, the dollhouse, they're all steps along the way.
And where does that go, Holling, huh? Away.
That's where.
Well, it's not fair.
I just got her.
We all did.
I'll finish mashing the turnips.
You know, what this party needs is a little libation.
I've got just the perfect thing.
The red wine I got at the auction.
Holling, not the '73 Pomerol.
Don't you want to save that for a special occasion? My daughter's birthday? What could be more special than that? You know, these expensive bottles, the cork just slips right out.
Happy train starts here.
All aboard.
And I thought we were just going to have ice cream and cake.
A '73? Just a tad.
Well, hey, to Miranda.
(HOLLING GIVING TOAST IN BROKEN ITALIAN) Cheers.
Chugalug.
My, it is dry, isn't it? That's good grape, Holling.
It certainly does set right on the teeth.
Yeah, it's interesting.
Well, what are we waiting for? Hey, Chris.
Got a minute? Hey.
Yeah, yeah, just going over some books for the library.
Here's one that should be on every 20th century woman's bookshelf.
The Bell Jar.
You know, when I was in the joint, I had bars, Miss Plath, here, had the bell jar.
Too bad you couldn't hang in there, Sylvia.
Hmm.
Not this one, buddy.
Chris? What? You know insurance fraud, right? Yeah.
Okay, think "personal injury.
" You say there's something wrong with you, only, there's nothing really wrong with you.
And you get caught.
What's going to happen to you? You broke the case, huh? You nailed the big man.
I really can't talk about it, Chris.
It's confidential.
That's cool.
He was dancing, Chris.
Dancing all over the place.
You know, line dancing, I've got it all, right in here.
He was faking, buddy.
He was faking the whole time.
Well, I'm shocked, but I'm not surprised.
You're not? Come on, a guy like Hayden? A chance like this comes along.
He lands his can in some rich man's yard, man, he found a ticket to the big spin.
What's gonna happen to him? Nabbed in a felony like this? Those prior convictions, check-kiting, impersonating a peace officer.
Three to five, out in two.
Years? Years.
It's no picnic in there, Ed.
Bad food.
No babes.
Psychotic bunkmate.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
Hope he can pull it off.
Most do.
Thanks, Chris.
Yeah, good luck.
Ed, hey, hi.
I thought cave-crawling was this afternoon.
Well, that's why I'm here, Heather.
We can't go.
Why not? Because you're a client.
Well, you're the daughter of a client.
For now, anyway.
What's that supposed to mean.
We're just going to look at some old bones and stuff.
I know.
And I was hoping to find a skull or something for my bookshelf at school.
A wolf, maybe, that would be cool.
Think we'd see one? Ed? Rake.
What? The rake, the salad.
No.
Ed.
You were gardening, weren't you? And then you left the rake out, didn't you? No! You left the rake out and then Hayden stepped on it, isn't that right? And then you lied.
You lied to me, you lied to Mr.
Lewis.
You even lied to your father, isn't that right? Well, I had to answer the phone.
And Daddy would have flipped.
He was already PO'd about what happened to the Range Rover.
And Hayden is still lying, Ed, I know it.
He might have stepped on the rake, but he didn't hurt himself.
Oh, Heather.
Ed.
Reynaldo was right.
He was right about you.
You never liked me.
You were just playing me for a sap.
No, I wanted to tell you.
And Hayden, poor, poor Hayden.
You don't know, Heather.
You don't even know what you've done.
So he's more important to you than me? Ed, please.
Goodbye, Heather.
Are those for me? Remembered you savor a hare stew.
White tails.
Good pelts.
That end fellow, there, chewed his leg pretty bad.
Wow! Well, Mr.
Bunny.
Won't you join me for dinner? Thanks, Walt.
Enjoy.
Good morning, Walter.
Well, what's the matter with you? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Minnifield.
You knew that wine was cooked.
Wine? Don't stand there and play Nancy-Know-Nothing with me, Mister.
I was a member of Les Amis du Vin before Gallo had corks.
Oh, well, caveat emptor, that's my motto.
If he wants to play with the big boys, he'd better keep his mind on the game.
Criminy, Maurice.
The man's your friend.
Yeah, he's my friend, and I don't hear him complaining, do you? Well, you saw him over there, chewing and sniffing and sipping.
That's disgusting.
The man wouldn't know a decent grape if it jumped up and bit him on the behind.
Hey, Chris.
Hey.
Are you busy? Just whipping up some bunny cacciatore here.
Brown these little guys, let them simmer.
Why don't you stay for supper? Well, actually, Chris, guess what? What? I came to talk to you about the bank.
Look, I thought we talked about this already.
I know we did, and look, I admit, I admit, I thought it was a stupid thing and I did dump it at the auction, all right? Look, I don't know what to do with it, I don't even like it, but I've got to have it back, Chris.
You know, it was my grandmother's.
My grandmother's, you know? I mean, I really had no right to give it away in the first place.
Well, you did.
Look, I'm willing to pay for it, all right? Full price.
$700.
I don't want to sell it.
Chris, but you can go out and buy another one.
$700! Buy another one, where? In pristine condition, tell me where? $750.
No.
$800.
No way.
$900.
Look, I told you no.
$1,000.
Sold.
What? I hate to see the little guy go.
You can write a check.
All right, now keep him out of the direct sun, because it ruins the paint.
Hayden! Hayden, wait up, Hayden.
Hey, Ed, some night.
I wouldn't wish it on a dog.
I'm going to give that acupuncturist up in Cantwell a try.
Oh, no, you're not, Hayden.
I've got to talk to you.
Ed, toss that deal in the back for me, will you? Oh, your walker, sure.
Thanks.
I'll catch you later.
No, Hayden, don't go.
I've got to talk to you.
I've got to tell you, you can't do it anymore.
Because I know.
What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about you.
There's nothing wrong with you, Hayden.
I saw you dancing last night.
You what? Get out of here.
It's all over, Hayden.
I was at the window.
I've been working surveillance for Reynaldo Pinetree.
And I got the whole thing on videotape.
Everything.
From the Diamond Slide to the Mississippi Slump.
You're cheating, Hayden.
That's wrong, and you know it.
And it's making everybody really mad.
Mr.
Lewis from the insurance company.
Mr.
Haynes and that Heather.
If they get ahold of that tape, well, they're going to take you away and lock you up for sure.
There ain't going to be no more fishing for you, or fixing cars, or nothing like that.
And why? Just because of some stupid old money.
So just cut it out, Hayden.
Don't do it anymore.
Reynaldo is going to be really, really mad.
But here.
Now, doesn't she look just like a little pumpkin? There you go.
The jumper's perfecto, babe.
Isn't it? Then what? Two months down the road, it will be stuffed in a drawer with all her other outgrown baby threads.
Shelly, stop acting like that.
I mean, it's just not healthy.
It's not going in a drawer? Well, yes, it is.
And Randi's going to keep on growing and growing by leaps and by bounds.
Finding her own self.
And yes, she'll be gone from our house.
Making her own way, her own family, and growing old.
Sure, passing on.
And hopefully we'll be gone by then.
Holling.
Well, it's true, Shelly.
And there's nothing we can do about it.
We come on to this Earth with the gift of life and it's a journey.
One that we all have to travel on our own.
Randi will move on.
But we'll have given her some help.
It's beautiful, when you think about it.
It's sad.
And it hurts.
And I think it sucks.
Well, I'd best see to my own toilette.
Come on, Randi.
Mommy's got to finish fixing her hair.
Oh, I see Bunky.
Look who I found.
Look who I found.
There's Bunky.
That's Bunky.
Hmm.
Mommy's sorry she's so low in a hole, Randi.
But she just didn't know how much it was going to hurt.
Everybody, excuse me.
May I have a minute, please? Now we owe some people some thanks.
Let's hear it for the aluminum can pick-up crew.
All right! And the pancake supper committee served Yeah! And, don't forget our library board.
Big hand! Now, we have 12 shelves and a new research carrel with lamp.
And, oh, by the way, there's a 30-minute limit on the carrel.
And no food or drink in this nook, you hear? And no more dog-earing or writing in the margins.
Anyway, a pot luck's serving up front.
Go on, enjoy.
Holling! Quick! What's wrong? Look.
Oh, my goodness, she's trying to walk.
Miranda.
Oh, child.
Look, get her to walk to you, Holling.
Okay, come on.
Whoops.
You can do it.
Come on.
Walk to Daddy.
Oh, Randi, come on.
Mama.
Good girl! I got you.
She's walking, Holling.
Looky.
Oh, Mama's girl.
You're such a big girl.
Presidente, here's those books I promised.
Is that it? Two? The Sound and the Fury and The World Almanac.
Thanks.
Sure.
Look out, everybody.
Runaway rug rat.
Well, she's walking.
I never.
Uh-oh.
You're okay, Mommy's got you.
Hello, Holling.
Evening, Maurice.
I was going through my cellar and I came up with this bottle of wine that I thought you might enjoy now that you've got the oenology bug.
Wine appreciation.
Oh.
It's a '61 Rothschild, one of my best.
I'm sure you'll enjoy it.
And you might want to peruse these magazines, too.
It's The Wine Spectator.
Some back issues that give you some ideas about vintages.
You know, what's hot, what's not.
You mean read about it? Yeah.
No, I don't think so, I don't have the time.
Besides, I know everything I need to know about it.
I know what I like.
But I will take the bottle.
Looks like a real lip-smacker.
Lip-smacker, yeah.
Hayden? Hey, here, let me help you with that box.
I got it, Holling.
Just my Funk and Wagnalls.
Hayden, you came without your walker.
I'm feeling a lot better.
Well, like one of those spontaneous miracles you read about in the tabloids.
Yeah, how did you guess? Smell it, Ed? B.
S.
I've got to get some air.
Hey, Reynaldo.
Aren't you gonna hang around for the free car wash raffle? No, I've got to catch up on some billing.
I guess I didn't do so hot, huh, Reynaldo? That tape belonged to Anchorage Casualty, Ed.
It was evidence.
I know it.
I'm sorry, Reynaldo, I am.
Rookie mistakes, kid.
Tape? The girl.
Oh, I really liked Heather, Reynaldo.
I know she lied, but she's not all bad.
She was just trying to protect her father.
And she really did see Hayden get up.
And then, I guess it was just easier for her not to tell.
What a tangled web we weave.
And Hayden? Well, Hayden's all right.
He's just kind of lazy.
And Heather's rake did hit him in the head.
He could have been really hurt.
It's not always black and white, Ed.
It rarely is.
But it's not our job to judge.
We're hired eyes.
Eyes and eyes only, understand? Okay.
Word of advice? Sure.
Don't play God.
See you around, Ed.