Only Fools and Horses (1981) s06e02 Episode Script
Danger UXD
This machine is gonna change our lives.
Good.
This is top-of-the-range hitech.
You can see that by all them lights.
I don't know how we've managed so long without one.
Nor do IWhat is it? Whatwhat is it? It's a videotape recorder.
It's got a little computer and everything.
When you go on your holidays this thing will record all the programs for you.
- Amazing.
- Nothing but the best.
How does it know you're on holiday? You send it a postcard, don't ya? You programme its little computer, you daft old No luck, eh? That's alright uncle, I'll get the hang of it.
When it comes to technological things normally I'm a natural I just got to get used to all itserits functions and its modes.
I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it.
Yes! Yes that's right.
Rodney! Come on, shake a leg, it's gone six o'clock.
Yes, alright.
Keep the noise down, will you? Cor blimey, look at the state of that.
I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.
You got in late last night, son.
Out with that little bird of yours? What's her name - Cassandra? That's right.
Cassandra and I went to a concert at the Royal Albert Hall.
Yeah? That takes me back.
I used to go up there whenever I was on home leave.
I saw some of the best there, Rodney.
Here, here, you ever heard of John Barbirolli? Yes, course I have.
Sir John was one of the greats.
Yeah, Barbra and Ollie were pretty good an' all.
I saw 'em all, Rodney.
Adrian Boult, Sir Malcom Sargent wonderful times - Who'd you see? - Eric Clapton.
Eric Clapton? He's a new one on me.
Del Boy's got a new video recorder.
Yeah, there was a very interesting article in the paper the other day.
Did you know that Taiwan is the only country in the world that don't have any rubbish dumps; they just send it all to him.
Oi, oi, oi.
That's enough of that.
This is none of yer Taiwan junk.
This was made in Formosa! But Formosa is Albert, please don't confuse the issue! Is what? Is one of the world's leading manufacturers of audio/visual equipment.
- And video recorders! - And video recorders.
D'you want some breakfast, Del? No thanks Albert.
Breakfast is for wimps.
- Rodney? - Yeah, I'm starving.
Well, you know where I was last night while you was up at the Albert Hall, headbanging? I was having a drink with the managing director of the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre! Didn't that used to be Ron's Cash and Carry? Yeah, yeah, that's right, but he changed the name.
That bloke's come on a bundle in the last few years.
That man is at the front of new technological frontiers.
He's got a Queen's Award for industry plaque.
I know.
I was there when you sold it to him.
Exactly! You and I, we both know it's a snide one but the punters don't! They're impressed by the image.
And that's what today's modern business world is all about - image.
You see, the right appearance can fool the customer, right? Now, take me for instance.
I'm a perfect example.
But you look exactly what you are.
Well, thank you very much.
It's only 'cos I've got the right image.
No, I mean, it's the little things, you know, it's like me aluminium briefcase there, me Mercedes key-ring, me Filofax.
When people see these things they know exactly what I am.
It is a bit of a givaway, innit? Better than a Mason's handshake, bruv! It's like me jewellery.
Now a half-sovereign ring can say a lot about a bloke.
Combined with a medallion, it speaks volumes.
Now we're talking the same language aren't we eh? Just a minute.
Albert, stay there, just stand there.
As you see him standing there, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? Why have I got bloody cornflakes again? It's 'cos I can't get any food in that fridge.
It's full up with tomatoes he bought last week! Alright, alright, I'm gonna get rid of them today, aren't I? No, I'm talking image-wise, aren't I? When I see him standing there what this says to me, it says here is a man who has worked hard all his life for an honest crust.
Here is a man of strong principles, here is a man you can trust.
You see what I'm saying - you see how easy it is to fool people, eh? All you've got to do is have the right image.
Are you saying I've got to get an image? No, what I'm saying is you've got to get rid of one! Take a look at me You see, I wear a trendy trenchcoat, Gordon Gekko braces you wear a lumberjack's coat and Gordon Bennett boots.
My image says: 'I'm going right to the top, flat out!' Your image says: 'I'm going back to bed 'cos I'm shagged out!' You've got to learn to be dynamic, Rodney.
You must be dynamic you see? Yeah, alright.
I was a bit dynamic last night over at Ron's Cash over the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre.
I was where the big business opportunities occur and I was in a position to snap 'em up.
And what exactly did you snap up? That video recorder.
Financial Times index must have gone through the roof! No, I didn't just buy one - I bought 50 of 'em, rest of them are in the garage.
Guess how much I paid.
Only 50 quid each.
But that's two and a half grand! Where'd you get two and a half grand from? I didn't.
I got 'em on the knock, you know, buy now, pay later.
When I sell 'em Ronnie Nelson'll get his money.
But 50 quid each! They've got to be hooky! They are not hooky.
No, the reason why they're so cheap is because they come from a consignment into which the manufacturers put in the wrong operating instructions.
Oh great! So how are you gonna operate a video recorder with the instructions for a sandwich toaster? - I'm not - you are.
Well, you're the one who's taking a diploma course in computer science - again! Yes, that's right, so programming a silly little thing like that ought to be a doddle for someone of your talents.
Yes, alright, I'll do it for you.
Ah good boy, good boy.
You know it makes sense.
Listen, I want you to record a programme for me on ITV called City News.
It's all about mega-powered business, Wall Street, big bangs and all that.
You on it? You know, I think a surgical collar will suit you.
Talking about suits, I want you to wear yours today.
I want you to look really snappy for the punters, you know, with-it.
We've got a high-profile image.
High profile? The only thing we've got that's high is this flat! Listen, I'm gonna make a very important private phone call, I want you two to take them tomatoes down there and put them in the van? Oh, by the way, don't forget the rest, alright? .
There you go Denzil.
There's your stew.
That's a pound.
Cheers.
I'll get you on the way back.
Boeuf bourguignonne? That's two pounds fifty sir.
Oh that's super.
Bon appetite.
So how's life treating you then, Denz? The same as Paxo treats a turkey! Bad as that, eh? Well, whatever happened to 'good news' eh? Has it been privatised or what? Here, I heard you'd started your own haulage company - Transworld Express.
Any time, any load, anywhere.
That's right, but I've only got a Transit.
A transit! So why all the big, world wide slogans? Well, I wanted to call it the Peckham Courier Service.
Parcels, small boxes, that sort of thing.
Then I bumped into Del.
Oh don't tell me.
Image, yeah? Yes.
He said, 'There is no place in the modern business world for small thinkers; you have gotta be big, brave and brazen', he said.
Why'd you listen to him? Well, I keep telling myself I shouldn't take no notice of him but Del insists! Does he still drink in here? Yeah, occasionally.
But since the yuppies gentrified Peckham he's been hanging round the wine bars and bistros.
Of course, one by one they're barring him.
Well, they're bound to, aren't they? See them over there? They only come in here to avoid him.
I saw Rodney this morning.
He was wearing a suit.
Someone must have died! There ain't much good news around, is there? Denzil, my 'ole mate! I was just off Del! No, not until I've bought you a drink, you're not.
Here pina colada for me, please, Michael; same again for Denzil.
I've told you before, you ought to clean your pipes out, looks terrible.
Listen Michael, listen to me.
I've just come back from Folkstone.
I've got 25, six-kilo boxes of fresh Jersey tomatoes, straight off the ferry, still got the dew on 'em.
salads up a treat.
What, 2.
50 a box? Go on then, Del, I'll have one.
I put three boxes aside for you.
Rodney's on his way down with 'em.
Come and sit down over there.
Tell me what you've been up to.
Chloe, Adrian, how nice to see you again.
Oh God, it's him.
Hello.
They're my sort of people.
You mean the bistro kids? Ah yeah.
I was in the wine bar the other night with Adrian debating the Trust House Forte/Cunard merger.
Oh yeah, that's the sort of thing I like these days, you know Denzil, the cut and thrust, to and fro of an honest, well-honed argument.
I regret it now, but I ended up clumping him.
Still, it's all over, we're still friends, ain't we? Perrier water under the bridge eh? Just look at me! I'm supposed to be going out in this tonight.
Well you've ruined it, haven't yer? This is your fault! It's all so I could present an image.
Well, I am presenting an image, I'm presenting the image of someone who's covered in tomato stains.
That'll come off! Mike, give him something to mop that up with, will ya? How about a slice of bread? I need him, don't I? I bloody need him! That was a nice suit this morning, Rodney.
Yeah, I know it was.
Gawd knows how I'm gonna get it clean for tonight! I'll probably have to cancel my date with Cassandra and that'll ruin my evening and she might meet a geezer who isn't covered in tomato juice and that'll ruin my life and it's all your fault! Oh shut up and sit down, you big old brass! Tell Rodney about your luck.
That should cheer him up.
'Ere, what's that? No luck, me old mate? Oh no, Del, lots of luck - and all bad! Last Friday was mine and Corinne's anniversary.
Oh my Gawd! No, Del, that's not the bad luck.
See a while back I got this contract with this plastics factory over Deptford.
They make garden furniture, camping equipment, toys, the lot.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
Carry on.
Yeah, well Friday afternoon I got this urgent call from the factory to go to a shop in High Wycombe and pick up 50 dolls.
They were being returned, faulty stock.
But it's my anniversary - isn't it? and I've promised to take Corinne out for the evening.
By the time I have got through all the rush-hour traffic it's half-past six and I've still got all the dolls on board - so what do I do? Take 'em back to the factory like I'm supposed to and let Corinne down, or leave 'em on the truck until Monday and hope no one twigs? Oh well, it's obvious, innit? You let Corinne down.
No.
How can the return of faulty dolls be urgent? I'd have left 'em on me truck 'til Monday.
That's exactly what I did.
And what happens? The factory went up in flames.
Exploded, by all accounts.
Normally I can carry on working for them because they've got other depots, but tomorrow morning I have got to hand in this unsigned docket which proves I collected the dolls but also proves that I didn't deliver them.
When the governors find out they are either gonna think that I have become unreliable or, worse still, that I am on the thieve! Yeah, it's a problem, innit Denzil? It's no problem.
Are you two gonna be plonkers for the rest of your lives? This is no problem at all, this is a gift from the gods! - Give us that here now.
- What are you doing, Del? I'm getting you out of schtuck and into the money, right? Right now, listen, I've signed that docket and put on Friday's date.
They never bother to check these things.
Now, as far as anyone's concerned all them dolls went up in flames with the rest of the factory.
Them dolls on the back of your truck no longer exist.
This means that the owners will get more insurance money, you get an empty truck plus a hundred nicker bunce.
Me and the Tomato Kid here we get 50 dolls to flog down the market and the great British public have another bargain of a lifetime! Everyone's a winner! Petit dejeuner! Alright? I am now going to empty your van into ours Denzil.
Thank you very much.
See you later.
Ciao, Chloe, Adrian.
Tee tee Michael.
How much d'you pay for 'em? Two quid each.
If we can knock 'em out for a tenner a go, that's four hundred quid profit, eh? Lovely Jubbly! You've just bought 50 dolls that have got something wrong with 'em.
There's nothing wrong with those dolls Rodney, you know what these quality-control geezers are like.
They see one little scratch on 'em and they stamp 'em 'Reject!' What about them dolls you were selling at Christmas? There was nothing wrong with them dolls, was there? You laid 'em back like in your arms like that, they closed their little eyes and they looked exactly as if they was asleep.
Yeah, and we had to try 'n' keep 'em closed, didn't we? 'Cos when you opened 'em they was boss-eyed! Yeah, well, they had put the eyes in the wrong way round, I grant ya, that's why they were such a bargain.
Anyway the kids didn't notice, did they? All except that little one who had nightmares and I always said there was something wrong with her to start with.
Anyway, these are probably top of the range, Barbie or Sindy dolls or something like that.
Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy.
These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
You can't have dolls with names like that! You can if you go to the right shops! Bloody hell, what have we got ourselves into here? Well, this is your fault, innit? You never stop to ask questions, do ya? You just go crashing in and to hell with the consequences! That is because I've got a high profile.
Yeah, high profile and low forehead! They're big for little dolls, ain't they? No, Unc.
They ain't ordinary dolls.
You get them advertised in magazines! Where's that Radio Times? Albert, have a day off, will yer? I mean seedy magazines, for kinky, sleazy little men.
- You're pulling my leg.
- Oh am I? You have a look at this then! - He's right an' all Del! - I know he is right.
Blimey, look at this lot in here.
We've got more colours in here than jelly babies! I tell you Dell, we're gonna have to get rid of them a bit lively.
Yes I know, you're right and all! Look at the prices they sell for - 60 pounds each.
On the other hand let's not be too hasty, eh Rodney? Oi, come on, Del! No, you were the one who was having a go at me just now for making quick decisions, weren't ya? Albert, let me just have a look at that magazine there.
Don't give 'em to me! Del, we can't sell these! Rodney, Rodney, look at this.
These things, they sell for And these ones are selfinflating deluxe models, for the more discerning weirdo.
Or maybe they're specially made for bronchial perverts.
Rodney, if we could sell these for just say 30 quid each, we'd make what? Just think of that.
down the middle between you and me.
That means by this time tomorrow you could have 600 quid of your own on your hip.
- And I know who'll buy 'em off us and all.
- Who? - Dirty Barry.
- Who's Dirty Barry? Well, he runs a little, um, 'personal' shop down the Walworth Road and he'll take the whole lot of us.
And what happens if Cassandra finds out? Why, does she want one? You know what I mean! She won't wanna see me again, will she? Well, how is she gonna find out? You stand a fair chance of getting caught if you go walking round the streets in broad daylight with 'em! Well we won't, will we? We'll go down there tonight with 'em, he stays open 'til about eight o'clock.
Just get 'em out of here as quick as you can.
I don't like the idea of sharing my home with these evil little things that'll bring nothing but bad luck.
Now you know how me and Rodney felt the day you moved in! I don't want nothing to do with them.
Look, we're traders, aren't we? All we're doing is trading! This is just a one-off deal, that's all.
I mean, people make a living out of this sorta thing, it's big business an' all, innit? I mean, you read about it in the Sunday papers, don't ya? All those MPs and vicars all going off to them vice dens up in Soho to get whipped and beaten up and they pay And, blimey, they wanna walk round this estate one night, they'd get it done free and on the national health.
Yeah, but them sort of people are sick! Yes, I know! But they're still human beings! I mean, if some weirdo wants to get it going with 'arf a pound of latex and a lump of oxygen, well that's his business.
As far as I'm concerned he can have a meaningful relationship with awith a barrage balloon.
As long as it's in the privacy of his own hanger? Exactly.
Now, listen, I'm gonna give Dirty Barry a bell and tell him that we're gonna be over there later on tonight.
Rodney, tell me the truth.
You couldn't honestly go out and sell them horrible dolls, could ya? To be honest with you, Unc, no I couldn't! Barry - Del Boy.
But I know a man who can.
- That's £5.
54.
- Cheers.
It's almost ready.
I fetch for you.
Good evening.
Police in South London have warned the public to be on the lookout for 50 life-size inflatable dolls which went missing from a factory in Deptford over the weekend.
A police spokesman today said that, due to a technical error, the dolls have been loaded with gases which include the highly explosive and volatile gas, propane.
Dear God! The factory which manufactures them was burnt to the ground on Saturday night and experts suspect the fire may have been caused by the presence of propane.
The theft came to light when security men noticed a forged signature on a delivery docket.
Police have warned that the dolls are potentially lethal, particularly when exposed to heat, and have appealed for their immediate return.
Your food is ready.
Usually they take the food and run off without paying! This guy's got it all wrong! I don't believe it! That's the last time I trust you with anything, Rodney! Look, I've already told you.
There is something wrong with that machine.
I asked him to set this to record a programme on ITV called City News.
What have I got? Open University on BBC2! So instead of keeping my fingers on the everchanging pulse of the stock market, I am watching Christopher dopey Wren on how he built St Paul's Cathedral! I think it's interesting.
Yeah, you would.
You were most probably around when he applied for planning permission! It's nippy in ere, innit? Is it alright if I turn the thermostat up? You sure it's not too technical for you? Oh you dipstick, Rodney, now look what you've done? Me? I thought Rodney knew about videos.
Yeah, Emmanuelle In Bangkok and that's about it.
I programmed that computer to record the programme you wanted.
Now it's not my fault if it decided to record something else, is it? That machine is up the wall! You're tryna blind me with science now, ain't you? Personally I think these computers are more trouble than they're worth.
How'd you figure that out? There was a film on earlier all about computers.
You're joking? Oh I wish I'd recorded it.
Oh hang around, Rodney, you most probably have.
It was called War Games.
It was all about this soppy kid who messes around with computers.
Then one day he broke into the computer that controls the American nuclear defence system.
He almost got us into World War Three! No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can't even get us into channel three! Have you read the instructions to your video recorder? No, I haven't actually read them.
Well, why don't you do that small thing Derek? I think you'll find it very interesting.
Because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian and not one single word in English! And that's why your machine don't work.
It was made strictly for sale in Europe! But we're in Europe now, we're in the Common Market, aren't we? Yes, I know that, but we've got a different electrical system to the rest of Europe and that's why your machine is on the blink.
Its components are burning out.
It is what's technically known as 'knackered!' Ronnie Nelson's tucked you up.
I don't believe it! Well, that's all I need, innit? You won't be able to sell the others now, Del.
Too late, Unc.
I sold 'em all this afternoon! You sold 'em? - You'll have to give the money back! - Why? Because they don't work! What'd you expect for I'm just passing it on, that's all.
That's bussiness! Don't worry about it, everything is gonna be cushty.
You are something else, you are! You're too picky, Rodney, that's your problem.
What was that funny sound? I don't know.
What you looking at me for? Well, most funny sounds in this flat tend to emanate from your vicinity.
Well I didn't do it! What is that funny noise? What's happening, what's happening, Rodney? How the hell should I know? You're the one with the GCEs! It's come alive, that's what's happened! Come alive! What'd you think this is.
Pinocchio? I've seen this happen before! Years ago, I was in Jamaica and I saw a voodoo ceremony.
This witch-doctor ran his hands over a dead cat and it come back to life! Yeah? I wish he lived round here; he could have a look at my video! Just take it easy, alright? That's you, that is, talking about Jamaica, look! I don't understand it.
I thought you were supposed to pull a string or press a button or something to inflate 'em! So did I They're right next to the hot-air duct.
Well, that must have caused it.
They must have a little canister of gas inside 'em and the heat set 'em off.
Why d'you go and stick 'em next to the hot-air duct for? I didn't know the heat would do that! Anyway, you're the one that switched the thermostat up! Well, I didn't know it was gonna do that either! Yes, alright, alright you two, now just pack it in, for Gawd's sake, will ya? What will our guests think? They're ugly looking mares, ain't they? Seen you with worse.
Rodney, you're gonna op an unfortunate one in a minute.
Listen, we can't stand here arguing.
We've gotta do something before the rest of the black and white minstrels pop up! How? Well, they're bound to have a little valve in 'em somewhere.
Yeah, that's right.
Go on, make your way in Rodney.
I'm not looking for it!! It could be anywhere! And I ain't looking for it either.
Could be illegal.
What're you talking about, illegal! They can't phone for the police can they? Do it yourself, Del Boy.
There it is, right on the back there.
Just going to stick Go on Rodney, have a go at that then.
Use one of these coctail sticks.
- Does Cassandra let you do that? - Shut up.
Nothing's happening.
Nah, same here.
Maybe they're dodgy valves! We used to get it on the rubber dinghies in the navy.
Oh yeah, how can you tell? Well, once they're up they won't come down.
Well, you remember what Denzil said? They were faulty, weren't they? He was taking them back to the factory.
It must have been the valves that were faulty! Well, how we gonna let 'em down? How should I know? Can't you stick pins in 'em? You're back to your voodoo again, aren't you? We've got 60 quid in profit tied up in these two.
Oh look what's 60 notes, eh? Come on, let's just burst 'em! Rodney, Rodney, don't you dare do that.
Give me that here.
Cor, dear, your mother would turn somersaults in her grave if she could see you doing that.
She did not bring us up to throw good money away, just 'cos we've got a little problem! We'll find a way in which we can get 'em down to Dirty Barry's.
And how are you gonna explain the fact that they are fully inflated? Well, I'll just say they're samples.
I'll say we blew 'em up so we could see 'em in all their natural beauty! We'll chuck 'em in the back of the van.
They'll be out of sight then! But how you gonna get 'em out of this flat, down the stairs, through the main doors, right across the forecourt to where the van's parked without anyone seeing you? He always has to spoil everything, don't he? He's got a point, though, ain't he? I mean, there's thousands of people on this estate.
Someone's bound to see you.
Alright, alright.
I'll think of a way.
The first thing we've gotta do is to get these into another room.
I mean, if that bloke from the council turns up to talk to us about buying this flat, Gawd knows what he'd think if he sees Pepsi and Shirley here Albert, put these in Rodney's room.
What? No way! I've already got a wardrobe full of Mum's old clothes in my room.
Them two would just about take the biscuit! Who's gonna see 'em? Well, in case I bring Cassandra back.
Put 'em in your room.
No, case I bring a bird back.
Put 'em in Albert's room.
Case I bring Oh alright, put 'em in my room.
I've gotta go and meet Cassandra.
I'll see you later.
Oi, Rodney! Just make sure you don't do anything that might cause embarassment to our family.
Del, I don't think I could do anything that would cause embarrassment to our family.
Good boy, good boy.
Mum'd be proud of you.
Mum! That's it Rodney, I think I've just worked out a way how we can get these down to Dirty Barry's! Oh no! These tomatoes are a bit manky, ain't they, Mike? Still, they make your beer taste better.
I'll have you know they were fresh Jersey tomatoes! Oh yeah, when? Why do you come in this pub, Trig? For the company.
Trigger doesn't have many friends or opportunities for social outlet.
Every weekend he goes down to the park and throws bread to the ducks.
To him it's a dinner party.
So during the week he has a straight choice between sitting in the cemetery or sitting in this pub.
Unfortunately, the cemetery closes at six.
What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan, you've got a face like a constipated rat at least when Del Boy comes in he cracks a joke and has a laugh! It's due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
How is he? A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon! He sold me some video recorders, £70 each.
I snapped 'em up.
fall off, the back of a lorry? If they did, they were going round a bend in Dusseldorf! How d'you mean? I have just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current.
To make them work on the British system would take a transformer the size of a suitcase and an electrician of such genius that I'd have to go head-hunting at Cape Canaveral! Seventy nicker each? Those video recorders - seventy nicker each? - Yeah.
- I'll have one.
No, no, Trig.
See they only work on a continental alright, I'll drop one round.
Cheers, Boycie.
Mike, Mike! Hang on, hang on.
I've only got one pair of hands.
Have you seen Del Boy? No, no.
He ain't been in tonight.
Oh bloody hell! I've gotta do something really quick! Is your phone working? Is the phone working? Look, we had a spot of bother the other week.
They tore the wires out.
But what's all the panic? I sold Del some dolls - inflatable dolls.
Inflatable dolls? He didn't know they were inflatable! I never knew they were inflatable! I picked 'em up from a place called Playthings - I thought it was a toy shop! Well, apparently the police are looking for them, they're dangerous! They've been fitted with the wrong gas cylinders.
They're full of something called propane.
Propane? Here, that's explosive innit? Very! Del's got 50 little time-bombs on his hands.
If them things get hot they are gonna have to redo the A to Z! I'll pop around his flat.
I'll see you later.
That's bad news, innit? - Terrible! - That's tragic! Hurry up then.
It's all clear.
Well, what a very peasant evening.
I'm gonna kill you! Get the van, Albert.
It'll be alright as long as we don't draw attention to ourselves.
Look! Hurry up, Albert! It's locked! Cor blimey! You got the keys, Rodney?? Yeah, here y'are.
Hurry up.
Drive the van back over here, Unc.
But I'm not insured.
Well, don't have a crash then! What if the police patrol sees us? It's alright, these dolls ain't hooky.
I'm thinking more of a public indecency charge! How you gonna explain this in court? I shall tell the truth, Rodney.
I shall say, Yes, your honour, the other evening my brother and I decided to go out for a drink with two life-size inflatable dolls which were wearing my late mother's clothing.
Can't put you in prison for that, Rodney, can they? No, they'd chuck us in Broadmoor.
The Norman Bates wing, most probably.
Hold up.
- Good evening, Derek.
- Good evening, Clayton.
- Good evening, Rodney.
- Evening, Mr Cooper.
- Good evening, ladies.
- Good evening.
Right, that's me finished with 'em, OK? Here, just a minute.
Ain't you coming down Dirty Barry's with us? No, I ain't.
I've got a date with Cassandra.
Look I had a date with that Simone sort from the cut-price butcher's and she had a bag of liver for us.
I've knocked her on the head.
Business comes first.
Well, I'm not knocking Cassandra on the head.
Look, you bought 'em, he blew 'em up, so it's YP Derek! - YP? - Your problem! You dipstick! Come on, Albert, get in the van.
Why have I gotta come in with ya? I need you to help me carry 'em into Dirty Barry's.
Don't keep worrying.
We're in the van now.
No one can see 'em.
I hope you're right.
Trust me.
Have I ever put you wrong before? You are a liar, Rodney! Oh Cassandra, that hurts me! I have never told an untruth in my life.
I happen to come from an extremely honest family.
You told me you lived in a great big house.
Well, I do live in a great big house! Nelson Mandela House - it's got about 70 flats in it.
You can't get much bigger than that! I drove you home to where you claimed to live and it most certainly was not a council estate! It was a mansion.
I mean there was a brand-new Mercedes in the front and most probably an Olympic sized swimming pool at the back.
The people that owned the house came to the window and you had the gall to wave at them! Yes, I remember.
And I swore to myself that night that never again would I go out without my contact lenses! Oh shut up! - Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you.
Well, you know when I saw your house, it looked so nice I decided to sprawns a bit.
You must have known I'd find out.
No.
I didn't think I'd ever see you again.
Why? Dunno, just didn't! I wanted to see you again but did you want to see me again? - Yes, I did.
- Why? Because I thought you lived in a great big house and had a Mercedes! Why did you want to see me again? Well, I wanted to see what you looked like once I had my contact lenses in.
And? Well, it's come as a great disappointment, Cassandra.
I'm sorry.
Don't apologize.
It happens all the time.
I meet a guy, we get on well, he regains his sight - end of story.
It's a tough world.
I'd like to meet your brother.
Why? It's just the things you've told me about him.
He seems like an interesting kind of person.
Yes, Del can sometimes be interesting.
But most of the time he's just baffling! Will you take that thing off.
You look like Little Red Riding Hood! I don't want anyone round here recognizing me! Who the hell's gonna recognize you, eh? You might not believe it, but during the war I was quite a celebrity round these parts.
It was 'cos of all the medals I won for bravery under fire.
The only acts of bravery you ever performed were under water! Say someone saw us holding these things.
They might ring the press and they'd have a field day what with me being an old war hero! They'd call me one of those silly Fleet Street nicknames.
They'd callme 'The Old Man of the PVC' or something like that! Will you stop moaning? - Who's there? - Barry, it's me, Del Boy.
Hold on.
He's security-conscious, ain't he? No, he's just moving some of his stock.
Come in.
Who's the monk? No, no, that's my Uncle Albert.
He's alright, he's harmless.
- So what's occurring? You buying or selling? - Selling.
Yeah? What? What d'yer mean "what?" These things, of course! What d'yer think I'm doing, giving 'em a guided tour? Here, they're not the dolls the police are looking for, are they? - Police? - No.
These come from up north.
There's a shop I know that went out of business.
And I thought I'll get these for my mate, DirerBarry.
Went out of business, did he? Yeah, it's happening everywhere, Del.
The bottom's fallen out of this game.
Listen, Barry - now you're a businessman, you know a bargain when you see one.
Now these are the finest quality, top of the range.
They normally retail around the 70 quid mark.
I'm selling 'em for 30 quid each.
Yeah, you're right, Del.
They are cheap.
Someone's gonna get a bargain.
No, no, not someone, Barry, not someone: you! No can do, Del.
See, I had a visit from the council yesterday.
They've revoked me licence.
Closed me down.
- Where am I gonna get rid of them then? - Nowhere local, they're closing us all down! - We're selling our stock, not buying! - What about Soho? You won't have any joy there, mate.
Their stockrooms are full.
We sold 'em all our gear this morning.
Nah I tell you, Maggie Thatcher's ruined this business.
At last someone's got something good to say about her! He's an old sailor.
He's still got a bit of depth charge lodged in his brain.
Come on, Brother Albert.
Just my luck, innit? If I could have bought them dolls a couple of days ago I could have outed 'em.
Instead of that, Dirty Barry and his mates have flooded the market.
And as they've got rid of their stock I'm lumbered here with Polythene Pam and Vinyl Vera.
Get off, I've got a headache! That's God's punishment, that is! Will you stop going on about God and voodoo and all that? You'll be shaking bones and waving shrunken heads about next.
Oh, I know, I know what to do.
We'll hang on to 'em 'til the market picks up.
I mean, it's only like the stock exchange, innit, you know, up and down, supply and demand, constantly fluctuating.
We'll hang on to 'em and wait for the big bang! - Goodnight, sir, madam.
Thank you.
Can I give you a lift home? Oh, no thank you.
My mum warned me about girls like you.
The lift home's all very well but you'll expect a lot more than a good night kiss, won't you? And I'm not that sort of boy.
And I thought you were a cert! Look, I promise I won't try and unbutton your shirt or take your string vest off.
Nah it's alright.
If you give me a lift home you've got to go all round the one-way system, haven't ya? I'll take a short cut through the market.
If you're sure.
You be careful, though.
Oh, look, the baddies don't frighten me.
I'm street-wise aren't I? Good! And watch out for unexploded inflatable dolls.
Didn't you see it on the news tonight? No, our telly's on the blink.
Why, what did they say? You know like those creepy blow-up dolls you can buy? Yeah, well I've heard about them.
There's a factory in Deptford that makes them and apparently a whole batch of them has gone missing that were accidentally filled with an explosive gas.
- We shouldn't laugh! - No, we shouldn't! They could prove potentially dangerous! Look, Cassandra, I've gotta go.
I don't feel very well! What's wrong with you? Anything the matter, sir? It's alright, I just feel a bit sick.
- Look, I'll phone you, OK? - Yes! That's the third complaint tonight.
Where did we get those tomatoes from? You better not be having me on, Rodney! I'm not Del, honest! I'll whack you straight in the mouth if you're pulling my leg! Explosive gas! I've never heard of anything so daft! Shut up and keep spraying! Throw them over here.
Just dropping them off.
Thought you said you heard a soosing sound? I did.
They was making a funny noise, like something was gonna happen! The only thing that's happened so far is poor old Mum's clothing's got all dirty! I shall have to take it all down the dry-cleaners now! Del, them dolls are dangerous! They've been on the news, everywhere! How d'you know it was them dolls that they were talking about? I know, right, I just know! Well, the only thing that I know is I've got 60 quid laying out over there and we're hanging about here like a couple of spare ones at a wedding.
Oh, some on, I've had enough of this, come on! See? I told 'em not to have the mutton vindaloo! Blimey, that could have happened anywhere, Rodders! I know! We only just got rid of them in time! We was well lucky.
No, it's not luck, Rodney.
It's Mum.
Mum? Yeah, she's up there somewhere watching over us.
Oh, yeah.
The old April going is it?
Good.
This is top-of-the-range hitech.
You can see that by all them lights.
I don't know how we've managed so long without one.
Nor do IWhat is it? Whatwhat is it? It's a videotape recorder.
It's got a little computer and everything.
When you go on your holidays this thing will record all the programs for you.
- Amazing.
- Nothing but the best.
How does it know you're on holiday? You send it a postcard, don't ya? You programme its little computer, you daft old No luck, eh? That's alright uncle, I'll get the hang of it.
When it comes to technological things normally I'm a natural I just got to get used to all itserits functions and its modes.
I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it.
Yes! Yes that's right.
Rodney! Come on, shake a leg, it's gone six o'clock.
Yes, alright.
Keep the noise down, will you? Cor blimey, look at the state of that.
I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.
You got in late last night, son.
Out with that little bird of yours? What's her name - Cassandra? That's right.
Cassandra and I went to a concert at the Royal Albert Hall.
Yeah? That takes me back.
I used to go up there whenever I was on home leave.
I saw some of the best there, Rodney.
Here, here, you ever heard of John Barbirolli? Yes, course I have.
Sir John was one of the greats.
Yeah, Barbra and Ollie were pretty good an' all.
I saw 'em all, Rodney.
Adrian Boult, Sir Malcom Sargent wonderful times - Who'd you see? - Eric Clapton.
Eric Clapton? He's a new one on me.
Del Boy's got a new video recorder.
Yeah, there was a very interesting article in the paper the other day.
Did you know that Taiwan is the only country in the world that don't have any rubbish dumps; they just send it all to him.
Oi, oi, oi.
That's enough of that.
This is none of yer Taiwan junk.
This was made in Formosa! But Formosa is Albert, please don't confuse the issue! Is what? Is one of the world's leading manufacturers of audio/visual equipment.
- And video recorders! - And video recorders.
D'you want some breakfast, Del? No thanks Albert.
Breakfast is for wimps.
- Rodney? - Yeah, I'm starving.
Well, you know where I was last night while you was up at the Albert Hall, headbanging? I was having a drink with the managing director of the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre! Didn't that used to be Ron's Cash and Carry? Yeah, yeah, that's right, but he changed the name.
That bloke's come on a bundle in the last few years.
That man is at the front of new technological frontiers.
He's got a Queen's Award for industry plaque.
I know.
I was there when you sold it to him.
Exactly! You and I, we both know it's a snide one but the punters don't! They're impressed by the image.
And that's what today's modern business world is all about - image.
You see, the right appearance can fool the customer, right? Now, take me for instance.
I'm a perfect example.
But you look exactly what you are.
Well, thank you very much.
It's only 'cos I've got the right image.
No, I mean, it's the little things, you know, it's like me aluminium briefcase there, me Mercedes key-ring, me Filofax.
When people see these things they know exactly what I am.
It is a bit of a givaway, innit? Better than a Mason's handshake, bruv! It's like me jewellery.
Now a half-sovereign ring can say a lot about a bloke.
Combined with a medallion, it speaks volumes.
Now we're talking the same language aren't we eh? Just a minute.
Albert, stay there, just stand there.
As you see him standing there, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? Why have I got bloody cornflakes again? It's 'cos I can't get any food in that fridge.
It's full up with tomatoes he bought last week! Alright, alright, I'm gonna get rid of them today, aren't I? No, I'm talking image-wise, aren't I? When I see him standing there what this says to me, it says here is a man who has worked hard all his life for an honest crust.
Here is a man of strong principles, here is a man you can trust.
You see what I'm saying - you see how easy it is to fool people, eh? All you've got to do is have the right image.
Are you saying I've got to get an image? No, what I'm saying is you've got to get rid of one! Take a look at me You see, I wear a trendy trenchcoat, Gordon Gekko braces you wear a lumberjack's coat and Gordon Bennett boots.
My image says: 'I'm going right to the top, flat out!' Your image says: 'I'm going back to bed 'cos I'm shagged out!' You've got to learn to be dynamic, Rodney.
You must be dynamic you see? Yeah, alright.
I was a bit dynamic last night over at Ron's Cash over the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre.
I was where the big business opportunities occur and I was in a position to snap 'em up.
And what exactly did you snap up? That video recorder.
Financial Times index must have gone through the roof! No, I didn't just buy one - I bought 50 of 'em, rest of them are in the garage.
Guess how much I paid.
Only 50 quid each.
But that's two and a half grand! Where'd you get two and a half grand from? I didn't.
I got 'em on the knock, you know, buy now, pay later.
When I sell 'em Ronnie Nelson'll get his money.
But 50 quid each! They've got to be hooky! They are not hooky.
No, the reason why they're so cheap is because they come from a consignment into which the manufacturers put in the wrong operating instructions.
Oh great! So how are you gonna operate a video recorder with the instructions for a sandwich toaster? - I'm not - you are.
Well, you're the one who's taking a diploma course in computer science - again! Yes, that's right, so programming a silly little thing like that ought to be a doddle for someone of your talents.
Yes, alright, I'll do it for you.
Ah good boy, good boy.
You know it makes sense.
Listen, I want you to record a programme for me on ITV called City News.
It's all about mega-powered business, Wall Street, big bangs and all that.
You on it? You know, I think a surgical collar will suit you.
Talking about suits, I want you to wear yours today.
I want you to look really snappy for the punters, you know, with-it.
We've got a high-profile image.
High profile? The only thing we've got that's high is this flat! Listen, I'm gonna make a very important private phone call, I want you two to take them tomatoes down there and put them in the van? Oh, by the way, don't forget the rest, alright? .
There you go Denzil.
There's your stew.
That's a pound.
Cheers.
I'll get you on the way back.
Boeuf bourguignonne? That's two pounds fifty sir.
Oh that's super.
Bon appetite.
So how's life treating you then, Denz? The same as Paxo treats a turkey! Bad as that, eh? Well, whatever happened to 'good news' eh? Has it been privatised or what? Here, I heard you'd started your own haulage company - Transworld Express.
Any time, any load, anywhere.
That's right, but I've only got a Transit.
A transit! So why all the big, world wide slogans? Well, I wanted to call it the Peckham Courier Service.
Parcels, small boxes, that sort of thing.
Then I bumped into Del.
Oh don't tell me.
Image, yeah? Yes.
He said, 'There is no place in the modern business world for small thinkers; you have gotta be big, brave and brazen', he said.
Why'd you listen to him? Well, I keep telling myself I shouldn't take no notice of him but Del insists! Does he still drink in here? Yeah, occasionally.
But since the yuppies gentrified Peckham he's been hanging round the wine bars and bistros.
Of course, one by one they're barring him.
Well, they're bound to, aren't they? See them over there? They only come in here to avoid him.
I saw Rodney this morning.
He was wearing a suit.
Someone must have died! There ain't much good news around, is there? Denzil, my 'ole mate! I was just off Del! No, not until I've bought you a drink, you're not.
Here pina colada for me, please, Michael; same again for Denzil.
I've told you before, you ought to clean your pipes out, looks terrible.
Listen Michael, listen to me.
I've just come back from Folkstone.
I've got 25, six-kilo boxes of fresh Jersey tomatoes, straight off the ferry, still got the dew on 'em.
salads up a treat.
What, 2.
50 a box? Go on then, Del, I'll have one.
I put three boxes aside for you.
Rodney's on his way down with 'em.
Come and sit down over there.
Tell me what you've been up to.
Chloe, Adrian, how nice to see you again.
Oh God, it's him.
Hello.
They're my sort of people.
You mean the bistro kids? Ah yeah.
I was in the wine bar the other night with Adrian debating the Trust House Forte/Cunard merger.
Oh yeah, that's the sort of thing I like these days, you know Denzil, the cut and thrust, to and fro of an honest, well-honed argument.
I regret it now, but I ended up clumping him.
Still, it's all over, we're still friends, ain't we? Perrier water under the bridge eh? Just look at me! I'm supposed to be going out in this tonight.
Well you've ruined it, haven't yer? This is your fault! It's all so I could present an image.
Well, I am presenting an image, I'm presenting the image of someone who's covered in tomato stains.
That'll come off! Mike, give him something to mop that up with, will ya? How about a slice of bread? I need him, don't I? I bloody need him! That was a nice suit this morning, Rodney.
Yeah, I know it was.
Gawd knows how I'm gonna get it clean for tonight! I'll probably have to cancel my date with Cassandra and that'll ruin my evening and she might meet a geezer who isn't covered in tomato juice and that'll ruin my life and it's all your fault! Oh shut up and sit down, you big old brass! Tell Rodney about your luck.
That should cheer him up.
'Ere, what's that? No luck, me old mate? Oh no, Del, lots of luck - and all bad! Last Friday was mine and Corinne's anniversary.
Oh my Gawd! No, Del, that's not the bad luck.
See a while back I got this contract with this plastics factory over Deptford.
They make garden furniture, camping equipment, toys, the lot.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
Carry on.
Yeah, well Friday afternoon I got this urgent call from the factory to go to a shop in High Wycombe and pick up 50 dolls.
They were being returned, faulty stock.
But it's my anniversary - isn't it? and I've promised to take Corinne out for the evening.
By the time I have got through all the rush-hour traffic it's half-past six and I've still got all the dolls on board - so what do I do? Take 'em back to the factory like I'm supposed to and let Corinne down, or leave 'em on the truck until Monday and hope no one twigs? Oh well, it's obvious, innit? You let Corinne down.
No.
How can the return of faulty dolls be urgent? I'd have left 'em on me truck 'til Monday.
That's exactly what I did.
And what happens? The factory went up in flames.
Exploded, by all accounts.
Normally I can carry on working for them because they've got other depots, but tomorrow morning I have got to hand in this unsigned docket which proves I collected the dolls but also proves that I didn't deliver them.
When the governors find out they are either gonna think that I have become unreliable or, worse still, that I am on the thieve! Yeah, it's a problem, innit Denzil? It's no problem.
Are you two gonna be plonkers for the rest of your lives? This is no problem at all, this is a gift from the gods! - Give us that here now.
- What are you doing, Del? I'm getting you out of schtuck and into the money, right? Right now, listen, I've signed that docket and put on Friday's date.
They never bother to check these things.
Now, as far as anyone's concerned all them dolls went up in flames with the rest of the factory.
Them dolls on the back of your truck no longer exist.
This means that the owners will get more insurance money, you get an empty truck plus a hundred nicker bunce.
Me and the Tomato Kid here we get 50 dolls to flog down the market and the great British public have another bargain of a lifetime! Everyone's a winner! Petit dejeuner! Alright? I am now going to empty your van into ours Denzil.
Thank you very much.
See you later.
Ciao, Chloe, Adrian.
Tee tee Michael.
How much d'you pay for 'em? Two quid each.
If we can knock 'em out for a tenner a go, that's four hundred quid profit, eh? Lovely Jubbly! You've just bought 50 dolls that have got something wrong with 'em.
There's nothing wrong with those dolls Rodney, you know what these quality-control geezers are like.
They see one little scratch on 'em and they stamp 'em 'Reject!' What about them dolls you were selling at Christmas? There was nothing wrong with them dolls, was there? You laid 'em back like in your arms like that, they closed their little eyes and they looked exactly as if they was asleep.
Yeah, and we had to try 'n' keep 'em closed, didn't we? 'Cos when you opened 'em they was boss-eyed! Yeah, well, they had put the eyes in the wrong way round, I grant ya, that's why they were such a bargain.
Anyway the kids didn't notice, did they? All except that little one who had nightmares and I always said there was something wrong with her to start with.
Anyway, these are probably top of the range, Barbie or Sindy dolls or something like that.
Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy.
These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
You can't have dolls with names like that! You can if you go to the right shops! Bloody hell, what have we got ourselves into here? Well, this is your fault, innit? You never stop to ask questions, do ya? You just go crashing in and to hell with the consequences! That is because I've got a high profile.
Yeah, high profile and low forehead! They're big for little dolls, ain't they? No, Unc.
They ain't ordinary dolls.
You get them advertised in magazines! Where's that Radio Times? Albert, have a day off, will yer? I mean seedy magazines, for kinky, sleazy little men.
- You're pulling my leg.
- Oh am I? You have a look at this then! - He's right an' all Del! - I know he is right.
Blimey, look at this lot in here.
We've got more colours in here than jelly babies! I tell you Dell, we're gonna have to get rid of them a bit lively.
Yes I know, you're right and all! Look at the prices they sell for - 60 pounds each.
On the other hand let's not be too hasty, eh Rodney? Oi, come on, Del! No, you were the one who was having a go at me just now for making quick decisions, weren't ya? Albert, let me just have a look at that magazine there.
Don't give 'em to me! Del, we can't sell these! Rodney, Rodney, look at this.
These things, they sell for And these ones are selfinflating deluxe models, for the more discerning weirdo.
Or maybe they're specially made for bronchial perverts.
Rodney, if we could sell these for just say 30 quid each, we'd make what? Just think of that.
down the middle between you and me.
That means by this time tomorrow you could have 600 quid of your own on your hip.
- And I know who'll buy 'em off us and all.
- Who? - Dirty Barry.
- Who's Dirty Barry? Well, he runs a little, um, 'personal' shop down the Walworth Road and he'll take the whole lot of us.
And what happens if Cassandra finds out? Why, does she want one? You know what I mean! She won't wanna see me again, will she? Well, how is she gonna find out? You stand a fair chance of getting caught if you go walking round the streets in broad daylight with 'em! Well we won't, will we? We'll go down there tonight with 'em, he stays open 'til about eight o'clock.
Just get 'em out of here as quick as you can.
I don't like the idea of sharing my home with these evil little things that'll bring nothing but bad luck.
Now you know how me and Rodney felt the day you moved in! I don't want nothing to do with them.
Look, we're traders, aren't we? All we're doing is trading! This is just a one-off deal, that's all.
I mean, people make a living out of this sorta thing, it's big business an' all, innit? I mean, you read about it in the Sunday papers, don't ya? All those MPs and vicars all going off to them vice dens up in Soho to get whipped and beaten up and they pay And, blimey, they wanna walk round this estate one night, they'd get it done free and on the national health.
Yeah, but them sort of people are sick! Yes, I know! But they're still human beings! I mean, if some weirdo wants to get it going with 'arf a pound of latex and a lump of oxygen, well that's his business.
As far as I'm concerned he can have a meaningful relationship with awith a barrage balloon.
As long as it's in the privacy of his own hanger? Exactly.
Now, listen, I'm gonna give Dirty Barry a bell and tell him that we're gonna be over there later on tonight.
Rodney, tell me the truth.
You couldn't honestly go out and sell them horrible dolls, could ya? To be honest with you, Unc, no I couldn't! Barry - Del Boy.
But I know a man who can.
- That's £5.
54.
- Cheers.
It's almost ready.
I fetch for you.
Good evening.
Police in South London have warned the public to be on the lookout for 50 life-size inflatable dolls which went missing from a factory in Deptford over the weekend.
A police spokesman today said that, due to a technical error, the dolls have been loaded with gases which include the highly explosive and volatile gas, propane.
Dear God! The factory which manufactures them was burnt to the ground on Saturday night and experts suspect the fire may have been caused by the presence of propane.
The theft came to light when security men noticed a forged signature on a delivery docket.
Police have warned that the dolls are potentially lethal, particularly when exposed to heat, and have appealed for their immediate return.
Your food is ready.
Usually they take the food and run off without paying! This guy's got it all wrong! I don't believe it! That's the last time I trust you with anything, Rodney! Look, I've already told you.
There is something wrong with that machine.
I asked him to set this to record a programme on ITV called City News.
What have I got? Open University on BBC2! So instead of keeping my fingers on the everchanging pulse of the stock market, I am watching Christopher dopey Wren on how he built St Paul's Cathedral! I think it's interesting.
Yeah, you would.
You were most probably around when he applied for planning permission! It's nippy in ere, innit? Is it alright if I turn the thermostat up? You sure it's not too technical for you? Oh you dipstick, Rodney, now look what you've done? Me? I thought Rodney knew about videos.
Yeah, Emmanuelle In Bangkok and that's about it.
I programmed that computer to record the programme you wanted.
Now it's not my fault if it decided to record something else, is it? That machine is up the wall! You're tryna blind me with science now, ain't you? Personally I think these computers are more trouble than they're worth.
How'd you figure that out? There was a film on earlier all about computers.
You're joking? Oh I wish I'd recorded it.
Oh hang around, Rodney, you most probably have.
It was called War Games.
It was all about this soppy kid who messes around with computers.
Then one day he broke into the computer that controls the American nuclear defence system.
He almost got us into World War Three! No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can't even get us into channel three! Have you read the instructions to your video recorder? No, I haven't actually read them.
Well, why don't you do that small thing Derek? I think you'll find it very interesting.
Because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian and not one single word in English! And that's why your machine don't work.
It was made strictly for sale in Europe! But we're in Europe now, we're in the Common Market, aren't we? Yes, I know that, but we've got a different electrical system to the rest of Europe and that's why your machine is on the blink.
Its components are burning out.
It is what's technically known as 'knackered!' Ronnie Nelson's tucked you up.
I don't believe it! Well, that's all I need, innit? You won't be able to sell the others now, Del.
Too late, Unc.
I sold 'em all this afternoon! You sold 'em? - You'll have to give the money back! - Why? Because they don't work! What'd you expect for I'm just passing it on, that's all.
That's bussiness! Don't worry about it, everything is gonna be cushty.
You are something else, you are! You're too picky, Rodney, that's your problem.
What was that funny sound? I don't know.
What you looking at me for? Well, most funny sounds in this flat tend to emanate from your vicinity.
Well I didn't do it! What is that funny noise? What's happening, what's happening, Rodney? How the hell should I know? You're the one with the GCEs! It's come alive, that's what's happened! Come alive! What'd you think this is.
Pinocchio? I've seen this happen before! Years ago, I was in Jamaica and I saw a voodoo ceremony.
This witch-doctor ran his hands over a dead cat and it come back to life! Yeah? I wish he lived round here; he could have a look at my video! Just take it easy, alright? That's you, that is, talking about Jamaica, look! I don't understand it.
I thought you were supposed to pull a string or press a button or something to inflate 'em! So did I They're right next to the hot-air duct.
Well, that must have caused it.
They must have a little canister of gas inside 'em and the heat set 'em off.
Why d'you go and stick 'em next to the hot-air duct for? I didn't know the heat would do that! Anyway, you're the one that switched the thermostat up! Well, I didn't know it was gonna do that either! Yes, alright, alright you two, now just pack it in, for Gawd's sake, will ya? What will our guests think? They're ugly looking mares, ain't they? Seen you with worse.
Rodney, you're gonna op an unfortunate one in a minute.
Listen, we can't stand here arguing.
We've gotta do something before the rest of the black and white minstrels pop up! How? Well, they're bound to have a little valve in 'em somewhere.
Yeah, that's right.
Go on, make your way in Rodney.
I'm not looking for it!! It could be anywhere! And I ain't looking for it either.
Could be illegal.
What're you talking about, illegal! They can't phone for the police can they? Do it yourself, Del Boy.
There it is, right on the back there.
Just going to stick Go on Rodney, have a go at that then.
Use one of these coctail sticks.
- Does Cassandra let you do that? - Shut up.
Nothing's happening.
Nah, same here.
Maybe they're dodgy valves! We used to get it on the rubber dinghies in the navy.
Oh yeah, how can you tell? Well, once they're up they won't come down.
Well, you remember what Denzil said? They were faulty, weren't they? He was taking them back to the factory.
It must have been the valves that were faulty! Well, how we gonna let 'em down? How should I know? Can't you stick pins in 'em? You're back to your voodoo again, aren't you? We've got 60 quid in profit tied up in these two.
Oh look what's 60 notes, eh? Come on, let's just burst 'em! Rodney, Rodney, don't you dare do that.
Give me that here.
Cor, dear, your mother would turn somersaults in her grave if she could see you doing that.
She did not bring us up to throw good money away, just 'cos we've got a little problem! We'll find a way in which we can get 'em down to Dirty Barry's.
And how are you gonna explain the fact that they are fully inflated? Well, I'll just say they're samples.
I'll say we blew 'em up so we could see 'em in all their natural beauty! We'll chuck 'em in the back of the van.
They'll be out of sight then! But how you gonna get 'em out of this flat, down the stairs, through the main doors, right across the forecourt to where the van's parked without anyone seeing you? He always has to spoil everything, don't he? He's got a point, though, ain't he? I mean, there's thousands of people on this estate.
Someone's bound to see you.
Alright, alright.
I'll think of a way.
The first thing we've gotta do is to get these into another room.
I mean, if that bloke from the council turns up to talk to us about buying this flat, Gawd knows what he'd think if he sees Pepsi and Shirley here Albert, put these in Rodney's room.
What? No way! I've already got a wardrobe full of Mum's old clothes in my room.
Them two would just about take the biscuit! Who's gonna see 'em? Well, in case I bring Cassandra back.
Put 'em in your room.
No, case I bring a bird back.
Put 'em in Albert's room.
Case I bring Oh alright, put 'em in my room.
I've gotta go and meet Cassandra.
I'll see you later.
Oi, Rodney! Just make sure you don't do anything that might cause embarassment to our family.
Del, I don't think I could do anything that would cause embarrassment to our family.
Good boy, good boy.
Mum'd be proud of you.
Mum! That's it Rodney, I think I've just worked out a way how we can get these down to Dirty Barry's! Oh no! These tomatoes are a bit manky, ain't they, Mike? Still, they make your beer taste better.
I'll have you know they were fresh Jersey tomatoes! Oh yeah, when? Why do you come in this pub, Trig? For the company.
Trigger doesn't have many friends or opportunities for social outlet.
Every weekend he goes down to the park and throws bread to the ducks.
To him it's a dinner party.
So during the week he has a straight choice between sitting in the cemetery or sitting in this pub.
Unfortunately, the cemetery closes at six.
What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan, you've got a face like a constipated rat at least when Del Boy comes in he cracks a joke and has a laugh! It's due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
How is he? A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon! He sold me some video recorders, £70 each.
I snapped 'em up.
fall off, the back of a lorry? If they did, they were going round a bend in Dusseldorf! How d'you mean? I have just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current.
To make them work on the British system would take a transformer the size of a suitcase and an electrician of such genius that I'd have to go head-hunting at Cape Canaveral! Seventy nicker each? Those video recorders - seventy nicker each? - Yeah.
- I'll have one.
No, no, Trig.
See they only work on a continental alright, I'll drop one round.
Cheers, Boycie.
Mike, Mike! Hang on, hang on.
I've only got one pair of hands.
Have you seen Del Boy? No, no.
He ain't been in tonight.
Oh bloody hell! I've gotta do something really quick! Is your phone working? Is the phone working? Look, we had a spot of bother the other week.
They tore the wires out.
But what's all the panic? I sold Del some dolls - inflatable dolls.
Inflatable dolls? He didn't know they were inflatable! I never knew they were inflatable! I picked 'em up from a place called Playthings - I thought it was a toy shop! Well, apparently the police are looking for them, they're dangerous! They've been fitted with the wrong gas cylinders.
They're full of something called propane.
Propane? Here, that's explosive innit? Very! Del's got 50 little time-bombs on his hands.
If them things get hot they are gonna have to redo the A to Z! I'll pop around his flat.
I'll see you later.
That's bad news, innit? - Terrible! - That's tragic! Hurry up then.
It's all clear.
Well, what a very peasant evening.
I'm gonna kill you! Get the van, Albert.
It'll be alright as long as we don't draw attention to ourselves.
Look! Hurry up, Albert! It's locked! Cor blimey! You got the keys, Rodney?? Yeah, here y'are.
Hurry up.
Drive the van back over here, Unc.
But I'm not insured.
Well, don't have a crash then! What if the police patrol sees us? It's alright, these dolls ain't hooky.
I'm thinking more of a public indecency charge! How you gonna explain this in court? I shall tell the truth, Rodney.
I shall say, Yes, your honour, the other evening my brother and I decided to go out for a drink with two life-size inflatable dolls which were wearing my late mother's clothing.
Can't put you in prison for that, Rodney, can they? No, they'd chuck us in Broadmoor.
The Norman Bates wing, most probably.
Hold up.
- Good evening, Derek.
- Good evening, Clayton.
- Good evening, Rodney.
- Evening, Mr Cooper.
- Good evening, ladies.
- Good evening.
Right, that's me finished with 'em, OK? Here, just a minute.
Ain't you coming down Dirty Barry's with us? No, I ain't.
I've got a date with Cassandra.
Look I had a date with that Simone sort from the cut-price butcher's and she had a bag of liver for us.
I've knocked her on the head.
Business comes first.
Well, I'm not knocking Cassandra on the head.
Look, you bought 'em, he blew 'em up, so it's YP Derek! - YP? - Your problem! You dipstick! Come on, Albert, get in the van.
Why have I gotta come in with ya? I need you to help me carry 'em into Dirty Barry's.
Don't keep worrying.
We're in the van now.
No one can see 'em.
I hope you're right.
Trust me.
Have I ever put you wrong before? You are a liar, Rodney! Oh Cassandra, that hurts me! I have never told an untruth in my life.
I happen to come from an extremely honest family.
You told me you lived in a great big house.
Well, I do live in a great big house! Nelson Mandela House - it's got about 70 flats in it.
You can't get much bigger than that! I drove you home to where you claimed to live and it most certainly was not a council estate! It was a mansion.
I mean there was a brand-new Mercedes in the front and most probably an Olympic sized swimming pool at the back.
The people that owned the house came to the window and you had the gall to wave at them! Yes, I remember.
And I swore to myself that night that never again would I go out without my contact lenses! Oh shut up! - Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you.
Well, you know when I saw your house, it looked so nice I decided to sprawns a bit.
You must have known I'd find out.
No.
I didn't think I'd ever see you again.
Why? Dunno, just didn't! I wanted to see you again but did you want to see me again? - Yes, I did.
- Why? Because I thought you lived in a great big house and had a Mercedes! Why did you want to see me again? Well, I wanted to see what you looked like once I had my contact lenses in.
And? Well, it's come as a great disappointment, Cassandra.
I'm sorry.
Don't apologize.
It happens all the time.
I meet a guy, we get on well, he regains his sight - end of story.
It's a tough world.
I'd like to meet your brother.
Why? It's just the things you've told me about him.
He seems like an interesting kind of person.
Yes, Del can sometimes be interesting.
But most of the time he's just baffling! Will you take that thing off.
You look like Little Red Riding Hood! I don't want anyone round here recognizing me! Who the hell's gonna recognize you, eh? You might not believe it, but during the war I was quite a celebrity round these parts.
It was 'cos of all the medals I won for bravery under fire.
The only acts of bravery you ever performed were under water! Say someone saw us holding these things.
They might ring the press and they'd have a field day what with me being an old war hero! They'd call me one of those silly Fleet Street nicknames.
They'd callme 'The Old Man of the PVC' or something like that! Will you stop moaning? - Who's there? - Barry, it's me, Del Boy.
Hold on.
He's security-conscious, ain't he? No, he's just moving some of his stock.
Come in.
Who's the monk? No, no, that's my Uncle Albert.
He's alright, he's harmless.
- So what's occurring? You buying or selling? - Selling.
Yeah? What? What d'yer mean "what?" These things, of course! What d'yer think I'm doing, giving 'em a guided tour? Here, they're not the dolls the police are looking for, are they? - Police? - No.
These come from up north.
There's a shop I know that went out of business.
And I thought I'll get these for my mate, DirerBarry.
Went out of business, did he? Yeah, it's happening everywhere, Del.
The bottom's fallen out of this game.
Listen, Barry - now you're a businessman, you know a bargain when you see one.
Now these are the finest quality, top of the range.
They normally retail around the 70 quid mark.
I'm selling 'em for 30 quid each.
Yeah, you're right, Del.
They are cheap.
Someone's gonna get a bargain.
No, no, not someone, Barry, not someone: you! No can do, Del.
See, I had a visit from the council yesterday.
They've revoked me licence.
Closed me down.
- Where am I gonna get rid of them then? - Nowhere local, they're closing us all down! - We're selling our stock, not buying! - What about Soho? You won't have any joy there, mate.
Their stockrooms are full.
We sold 'em all our gear this morning.
Nah I tell you, Maggie Thatcher's ruined this business.
At last someone's got something good to say about her! He's an old sailor.
He's still got a bit of depth charge lodged in his brain.
Come on, Brother Albert.
Just my luck, innit? If I could have bought them dolls a couple of days ago I could have outed 'em.
Instead of that, Dirty Barry and his mates have flooded the market.
And as they've got rid of their stock I'm lumbered here with Polythene Pam and Vinyl Vera.
Get off, I've got a headache! That's God's punishment, that is! Will you stop going on about God and voodoo and all that? You'll be shaking bones and waving shrunken heads about next.
Oh, I know, I know what to do.
We'll hang on to 'em 'til the market picks up.
I mean, it's only like the stock exchange, innit, you know, up and down, supply and demand, constantly fluctuating.
We'll hang on to 'em and wait for the big bang! - Goodnight, sir, madam.
Thank you.
Can I give you a lift home? Oh, no thank you.
My mum warned me about girls like you.
The lift home's all very well but you'll expect a lot more than a good night kiss, won't you? And I'm not that sort of boy.
And I thought you were a cert! Look, I promise I won't try and unbutton your shirt or take your string vest off.
Nah it's alright.
If you give me a lift home you've got to go all round the one-way system, haven't ya? I'll take a short cut through the market.
If you're sure.
You be careful, though.
Oh, look, the baddies don't frighten me.
I'm street-wise aren't I? Good! And watch out for unexploded inflatable dolls.
Didn't you see it on the news tonight? No, our telly's on the blink.
Why, what did they say? You know like those creepy blow-up dolls you can buy? Yeah, well I've heard about them.
There's a factory in Deptford that makes them and apparently a whole batch of them has gone missing that were accidentally filled with an explosive gas.
- We shouldn't laugh! - No, we shouldn't! They could prove potentially dangerous! Look, Cassandra, I've gotta go.
I don't feel very well! What's wrong with you? Anything the matter, sir? It's alright, I just feel a bit sick.
- Look, I'll phone you, OK? - Yes! That's the third complaint tonight.
Where did we get those tomatoes from? You better not be having me on, Rodney! I'm not Del, honest! I'll whack you straight in the mouth if you're pulling my leg! Explosive gas! I've never heard of anything so daft! Shut up and keep spraying! Throw them over here.
Just dropping them off.
Thought you said you heard a soosing sound? I did.
They was making a funny noise, like something was gonna happen! The only thing that's happened so far is poor old Mum's clothing's got all dirty! I shall have to take it all down the dry-cleaners now! Del, them dolls are dangerous! They've been on the news, everywhere! How d'you know it was them dolls that they were talking about? I know, right, I just know! Well, the only thing that I know is I've got 60 quid laying out over there and we're hanging about here like a couple of spare ones at a wedding.
Oh, some on, I've had enough of this, come on! See? I told 'em not to have the mutton vindaloo! Blimey, that could have happened anywhere, Rodders! I know! We only just got rid of them in time! We was well lucky.
No, it's not luck, Rodney.
It's Mum.
Mum? Yeah, she's up there somewhere watching over us.
Oh, yeah.
The old April going is it?