Portlandia (2011) s06e02 Episode Script
Going Gray
Remember last night when we had pizza at that art gallery? It was so fun.
- That was two nights ago.
- No.
Yeah, we had pizza with Kyle, and then we went to Brandon's art opening.
Okay, then what did we do last night, then? Last night, we went to Janet's.
We had Indian food.
And then Lisa came over and showed us her tattoo.
Right.
Okay.
This is gonna sound crazy.
What did we do tonight? I don't remember.
When did Jimmy get back from Europe? Two years ago? How crazy was that? He seems happy.
When was his wedding? That was last summer.
No, this summer.
No, three summers ago.
No.
- This winter.
- This winter.
It was freezing.
When was Christmas? They didn't do it.
So Brandon had his art opening.
That sucked.
No, no, no, you're confusing that with Ronaldo's art opening that we went to about a year ago Right.
At that gallery, and you really hated it.
Because there was nothing there.
Yeah, it was very conceptual.
Hope I don't miss it.
Well, you won't because you already went.
Time is just all blending in together.
It is for me too.
But it's all right.
I think this is what happens.
All right, well, good night, Carrie.
Good night, Fred.
Slept like a ton of bricks.
I-I'm sorry for screaming.
I-- I was just kind of horrified.
Well, I'm horrified too.
Look at this.
Look.
I know; the grays came in all at once.
What am I, Old Man Winter? Must have been some kind of a mistake.
I'm sure about it.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Fred, it makes sense that you would go gray at your age.
What do you mean, "my age"? How old are you? Well, let's figure it out.
Um, high school, that's, like, 18.
College, 22.
Um, played music, and I stopped playing music.
So I met you-- 32? Fred.
What? I'm not 32? No.
I'm very 32.
You're not.
How old do I look if I just pass by you really fast? If I-- if I'm like this.
Um, 44? Like, about to turn 45? This is horrifying.
You know, I needed some warnings for this.
Wasn't your 40th birthday a warning? No, something physical, something like, you know, a bum knee or just like-- you have to, like-- it has to be gradual.
Well, how old does it say you are on your driver's license? I don't know; there's-- there was a number on there, but I scratched it out.
It was, like, too upsetting.
There's a way to verify your age.
There has to be.
Okay, Mom, how old am I? You, you're my sweet baby boy.
- Mm - Love you forever.
Love you forever.
Okay, what year was Fred born in, though? Oh, it feels like it was just yesterday.
But technically, it wasn't yesterday.
Was it yesterday? It feels like it.
December 4th.
You were an early winter solstice gift.
- That's right.
- Yes, you were.
What year? - And you loved horsies.
- I really did.
You did, especially palominos.
Really? Now, see, I don't remember that.
You were.
You were.
- I liked palominos, huh? - Hey, guys? You did.
He seems to be an adult that doesn't know how old he is.
I mean, that reflects a little bit poorly of you as a mom.
Are you saying I'm a bad mother? No, no, no, she's not saying that.
Oh, remember I took you to that Fleetwood Mac concert? - That's right.
- That's right.
Oh, okay.
What album? - When was that? - "Rumours.
" - 1977.
- 1977.
What a great album.
What a great tour, I bet.
Is it-- How old were you? I had such a good t-- My first concert was when I was ten.
Ten years old, yes.
So wait, if your first concert was when you were 10 and your first concert was in 1977, you're 48.
Well, I am barely 48.
That's physically impossible if you're Fred's biological mom.
Are you sure you're not skipping the '80s? You should be happy.
This explains everything.
You're 48 years old.
That's why you're gray.
Your gray hair looks so nice on you.
Shut up, Mom.
Why don't you go gray? Freddie! I need proof, Carrie.
I need, like, visual evidence that I'm this age.
Where are all my photos? Everything on my phone is only for, like, the last year.
Mm-hmm.
And then everything on my laptop is, like, only the last, like, couple years.
I need to see evidence of that last 18 years.
I know it's in here somewhere.
I feel like I'm, like, Rip Van Winkle and I just woke up.
You're not Rip Van Winkle, and also, you haven't been sleeping.
I know I have some photos in here.
Okay.
This is honestly-- It's gonna take-- I feel like you're really going down, like, a real nostalgia hole right now.
Look, finally.
All my disks are in here.
But I need the key for this.
Do you have it? Is there a key holder somewhere? Fred, please just put stuff on the iCloud.
But I have it all scattered across all this stuff.
Hey, do you know if, like, a Jaz drive can hold a zip disk? I would say no.
It doesn't.
I-I just don't understand.
Like, a picture is not gonna be the thing that's gonna help you feel the passage of time.
Okay, I need more of these stickers so I can label these.
You just did the old man glasses thing.
No, I didn't; I just can't read it without this.
Let's do this.
Let's-- let's open these all up, and let's-- Did you get this text from the mayor that says, "Come meet me at my office"? No.
Ooh, maybe he has a crush on you.
No, he doesn't.
Oh, my God, remember this? Happy birthday! - Hello? - Hey! Hey, you look great.
Well-- am I supposed to be here? Yes! Come in.
Come in.
Yeah.
You're wearing a robe.
Yeah, sit down.
Don't you remember? Mm-mm.
Well, let me refresh your memory.
Okay.
Five years ago today, you and I, Carrie y Mayor, made a deal.
It's pretty cool they're serving pizza at an art gallery.
Right? It's really good.
Yeah, it's kind of kids' food.
- It is kids' food.
- Yeah.
Are you thinking about having kids? I mean, uh, sure, yeah, you know, if I was with the right person.
Well, listen, five years, if you haven't found anybody, um, let's get together, and we'll have a baby.
- Wow, okay.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- Okay, see you in five years.
That was just a silly little, like, "ha-ha.
" You know, small talk.
Now I feel bad.
I thought it was real.
People make these kind of vague future romance pacts all the time.
It's just a way of putting off, like, a bad sex idea, like, indefinitely.
So how many kids do you have? - None, 'cause just-- - Well, now's the chance.
In fact, I have right here a canister of prime, Grade A - Is that your sperm? - Yes.
You just keep that here in the office? Every mayor does.
Every mayor has a canister of sperm in a beer fridge behind their desk.
What about female mayors? They don't have sperm.
This is very embarrassing.
No, it's not.
It's perfect.
- This is weird.
This is weird.
- I know it's a little weird.
It's something I have to kind of chew over.
Speaking of chewing, I opened a tin of celebratory gum.
it's gonna be good, right? I mean, I'm a little offended you didn't just go for a champagne.
This is better than a champagne.
It's $12 gum.
You're gonna love this, Carrie.
Mmm, that is so tasty.
It's just gum.
Mmm.
Take all the time you need.
- Okay.
It's just-- - I know it's a big decision.
But don't think of it as having my baby.
Think of it as having your baby.
Right, but that's your sperm, right? Yeah.
Mmm.
Well, thanks; I'll, you know, give it some thought.
Okay.
Hey, can't wait to have a lot of little Carries running around, huh? I'm not homeless.
I'm sentimental.
Hello? - Hello? - Hello! Hi, how are you? - Um, I have-- - I'm good.
- So I have all this stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
And all my photos and everything are on there and, like, all these devices, this hard drive.
And I just want to, like, put it all in one place.
Ah, okay, yeah, you want the cloud.
Yeah.
I can move everything to the cloud.
Thank you.
All of your stuff will be in one place - Thank you.
- For six months.
And what happens after that? The river.
What is the river? The river is just like the cloud, except they're not compatible in any way.
Right.
If you try to move a file from the cloud to the river, the file will get destroyed immediately, and your keyboard will get really hot.
- So I don't want that.
- I've tried the river.
And? Yes? Yeah.
What? There is still a few bugs in it.
All I want-- I need evidence of my life.
How old do you think I am? This is the problem, okay? I'm practically a teenager.
Oh, are you familiar with the concept of entropy? Vaguely.
Entropy is the idea that everything is sort of descending into chaos and disorder.
Aging, forgetting, rotting, that's all entropy.
Even if we're all decaying, I still want something somewhat permanent that I can, in my lifetime, enjoy.
Well, I'm saying nothing is permanent because of entropy.
Would you like to stop entropy? Yeah.
Well, then you must stop time itself.
Okay, is there a way we can arrange to stop time? I'm not that special a specialist.
Is there some kind of a super specialist? Matt, Mike, is the astrophysicist off his lunch break? So you're the manager here? I'm an astrophysicist, if that's what you mean.
Okay, let me tell you what the problem is.
I'm basically 32, okay? I'm into music.
I walk around.
Have a cup of coffee, you know, like, wear, like, cool clothes, got a little shirt, you know, little black pants.
And then you guys come in going, "No, uh, there's been a mistake; you're 48.
" "Us guys," do you mean the science community because-- Yeah, you guys messed up.
And when that happens, you should own up to it and fix it.
I don't know what I can do for you.
We can't make time go backwards.
That's not something that happens.
Your passage of time explanation, it isn't applying to me.
- Uh, it applies to everyone.
- It's false advertising.
- It applies to everyone.
- It's false advertising.
- I don't see how-- - It's false advertising.
I mean, say it.
That's-- that's what it is.
I don't see how it's false advertising.
So if Hershey chocolate says, "We've got this great chocolate bar," and all of a sudden, you open it up, and it's yogurt, what is that? It's false Advertising.
Do you turn away people when they complain? Generally, we try and hear people out if they have an alternate scientific theory.
Okay, my scientific theory is-- the o-opposite one I'd like to offer you is, give me my money back.
This isn't a retail transaction.
This is science.
I'm not gonna leave.
Okay, you have to do something.
I can't change the laws of physics.
Is there a black hole? Can you find a black hole for me? I beg your pardon? I've seen "Interstellar.
" I've seen movies.
And certainly, you have it within your power as a manager to get me a black hole.
Was that so hard? You know, you're lucky I'm not my dad.
He'd have his finger in your face.
Okay, so you are thinking about having a child.
Yeah, I mean, I'm in the very early stages of considering it.
Still on the fence.
Well, let's take a look at the chart and see what the chart says about your fence.
And according to this, you're a couple years away from being an old spinster.
Okay, so if I don't have a kid, then I'm just an old spinster? That's what it says right here.
It says, "couple years away from being an old spinster.
" That's not on the form.
No, that's not on the form.
But these are the terms people use.
I don't make them up.
I guess I think that there should be more positive terms.
Is there one? - Sad woman.
- No.
- Sad neighbor.
- No.
The lady who went to Peru with Gail three years ago? Why can't I just be Gail's friend? I don't see that catching on.
I mean, who's Gail? And actually, if anything, you want to get to know Gail and not her friend.
You know what? I prefer old slut.
Why don't people just call me old slut? Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
You're an old spinster.
Let's leave it at that, huh? All right, let's take a look at the old ticker.
I thought that's the heart, the ticker.
Uh, well, let's call it the tinkler.
Whoa, it's deserted in here.
It's like an old folks' home.
"Hey, nobody comes and visits me! I'm lonely!" Spiderwebs.
Hey, Janine, can we get some new spiderwebs? These are clumping.
Uh, whoa, is that Walt Disney? Hello, sir! I see they're keeping you nice and cold.
'Cause he's said to have been frozen.
You know, I'm saying your cooch is kind of cold.
Is there a female OB-GYN? There are female OB-GYNs, but I can tell you this right now-- and I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble; I can promise you that-- but they're not funny.
Your uterine lining has deteriorated 40%.
Loss of tissue, narrowing of fallopian tubes - Okay, I get it.
- Decrease of estrogen-- I-I get it.
You know what? I actually prefer the cartoon doctor.
Spooky! Ooh, is that a bat? It's not a bat, because it's a spider, because I don't know where the new girl puts the bats.
We used to have bats! Anyway, listen, I think you look good.
If you, uh, want to pop out a Goonie or two out of this old pirate's cove, I think you've got time.
Oh, you're actually being serious? Okay, look, we've had some fun.
We had some laughs.
Uh, I know you had a great time.
For me, yeah, it's been a hoot.
But I think, at the end, we kind of surprised both of ourselves by getting at something real.
I want to see you go out there and make a life for yourself.
Get a baby inside you, huh? I'm fine.
I went into this business not just to make money.
I went in this business to meet women.
Get out of here, you old slut.
What do you guys think of the mayor? Well, I voted for him twice.
I meant it more like, what do you think of him as a man, as a partner? - Really? - Yes.
- Okay.
- Wow.
He wants to have a baby with me.
And I do want to have a kid.
And you're actually thinking about this.
Absolutely.
Is that crazy? I would take his sperm, and I already have a husband and children.
I would also take his sperm.
Right, through a turkey baster; you're not-- Well, I was sort of saying I would sleep with him, actually, yeah, even though I'm married.
You know, you're gonna get fat.
- You mean pregnant.
- That is fat.
That is fat.
My arms used to look like my wrists.
Your ass doesn't grow out.
It grows to the side.
But not in a fun way.
I will say this-- my boobs have never looked better.
My boobs sagged a bunch.
Yeah, well-- Is there anybody else on the table? I mean, have you considered anyone else? That's exactly what I'm thinking.
I guess there's friends that I'm closer to that I haven't really considered.
Look, there are different kinds of qualities in life.
You know, you have, of course, money, success.
And then you have other things-- compassion, friendship, kindness Well, what about that-- what about the guy you live with, the little cute-- Oh, yeah, with the glasses.
Well, that might be weird, because we know each other so well.
- Frank.
- Frank.
- It's not Frank.
- How tall is Frank? If she said 5'11", I would've been like meh-meh.
You know, we all have our flaws, Carrie, but-- I mean, really, if you're not-- how's your baby gonna model? I mean, miniature stuff maybe, but that's about it.
I guess I wasn't hoping that my kid would be a model.
Maybe you're not ready to be a mother.
I'm excited for you.
For the first time in my life, I feel like you're really gonna make something of yourself.
And, Carrie, darn it, I'm proud of you.
What sort of a theme should we do for the baby shower? Winnie the Pooh.
_ No! No! I changed my mind! Carrie, don't forget about me.
Wow, look at all these photos.
- Hey, little Freddie.
- Uncle Manuel, hi.
What seems to be the problem? Well, my hair went gray.
I panicked.
And now I'm in this black hole.
Oh, yeah, my hair went gray at 33.
- It did? - Yeah.
But I didn't jump into a black hole.
Just dyed my hair and moved on.
Really? You dyed your hair? Oh, yeah, it really sets the clock back.
Okay.
Well, it's nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Say hi to your mom.
Good luck, Freddie.
Hey, Doctor! Mr.
Scientist.
- Yes? - Can you get me out of here? Well, scientifically, that's impossible.
But then again, none of this makes any sense.
So I figured out all I have to do is dye my hair.
Dyeing your hair isn't really significant.
You really need to do something worthwhile with your life, you want to really change.
Worthwhile.
I got to do something with my life.
Hi.
It's nice out, huh? House is looking good.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So I have some pretty big news to tell you.
Well, I've got some pretty big news too.
What? Well, I've been thinking about my life, and I worry that I've wasted a lot of time, so I thought that one thing I could do-- Fred, do you want to have a baby with me? Yeah.
Great.
When do you want to do it? Right now.
- Up we go? - Yeah, let's do it.
Great, okay.
Let me get this off, and then-- Okay.
I get to see you naked.
I know.
Have you seen my penis before? I want you to have my baby my baby, my baby I think there's a bat in here, literally.
I-I'd like a new-- not literally.
Clitorally.
Is there another doctor? Uh, I really wouldn't recommend it.
His name's Herb Spiderman.
- He was in there.
- Nurse! Okay, well, let me make a call, because I just found a cell phone from 1993.
This was before vibrate.
I don't even know what it was doing up there.
I'm naughty.
I'm a naughty gyno.
I'm gonna lose my job.
- This is it.
- We're having sex.
You made him mad, didn't you? - Are you Carrie? - Yeah.
Hi.
Frankie Armistein.
I want you to take good care of him, okay? Get on the boat.
Hey, get back here! Hi, two tickets to "Mum," please.
I've had enough.
Well, it sounds like you two have been on quite an adventure.
- That was two nights ago.
- No.
Yeah, we had pizza with Kyle, and then we went to Brandon's art opening.
Okay, then what did we do last night, then? Last night, we went to Janet's.
We had Indian food.
And then Lisa came over and showed us her tattoo.
Right.
Okay.
This is gonna sound crazy.
What did we do tonight? I don't remember.
When did Jimmy get back from Europe? Two years ago? How crazy was that? He seems happy.
When was his wedding? That was last summer.
No, this summer.
No, three summers ago.
No.
- This winter.
- This winter.
It was freezing.
When was Christmas? They didn't do it.
So Brandon had his art opening.
That sucked.
No, no, no, you're confusing that with Ronaldo's art opening that we went to about a year ago Right.
At that gallery, and you really hated it.
Because there was nothing there.
Yeah, it was very conceptual.
Hope I don't miss it.
Well, you won't because you already went.
Time is just all blending in together.
It is for me too.
But it's all right.
I think this is what happens.
All right, well, good night, Carrie.
Good night, Fred.
Slept like a ton of bricks.
I-I'm sorry for screaming.
I-- I was just kind of horrified.
Well, I'm horrified too.
Look at this.
Look.
I know; the grays came in all at once.
What am I, Old Man Winter? Must have been some kind of a mistake.
I'm sure about it.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Fred, it makes sense that you would go gray at your age.
What do you mean, "my age"? How old are you? Well, let's figure it out.
Um, high school, that's, like, 18.
College, 22.
Um, played music, and I stopped playing music.
So I met you-- 32? Fred.
What? I'm not 32? No.
I'm very 32.
You're not.
How old do I look if I just pass by you really fast? If I-- if I'm like this.
Um, 44? Like, about to turn 45? This is horrifying.
You know, I needed some warnings for this.
Wasn't your 40th birthday a warning? No, something physical, something like, you know, a bum knee or just like-- you have to, like-- it has to be gradual.
Well, how old does it say you are on your driver's license? I don't know; there's-- there was a number on there, but I scratched it out.
It was, like, too upsetting.
There's a way to verify your age.
There has to be.
Okay, Mom, how old am I? You, you're my sweet baby boy.
- Mm - Love you forever.
Love you forever.
Okay, what year was Fred born in, though? Oh, it feels like it was just yesterday.
But technically, it wasn't yesterday.
Was it yesterday? It feels like it.
December 4th.
You were an early winter solstice gift.
- That's right.
- Yes, you were.
What year? - And you loved horsies.
- I really did.
You did, especially palominos.
Really? Now, see, I don't remember that.
You were.
You were.
- I liked palominos, huh? - Hey, guys? You did.
He seems to be an adult that doesn't know how old he is.
I mean, that reflects a little bit poorly of you as a mom.
Are you saying I'm a bad mother? No, no, no, she's not saying that.
Oh, remember I took you to that Fleetwood Mac concert? - That's right.
- That's right.
Oh, okay.
What album? - When was that? - "Rumours.
" - 1977.
- 1977.
What a great album.
What a great tour, I bet.
Is it-- How old were you? I had such a good t-- My first concert was when I was ten.
Ten years old, yes.
So wait, if your first concert was when you were 10 and your first concert was in 1977, you're 48.
Well, I am barely 48.
That's physically impossible if you're Fred's biological mom.
Are you sure you're not skipping the '80s? You should be happy.
This explains everything.
You're 48 years old.
That's why you're gray.
Your gray hair looks so nice on you.
Shut up, Mom.
Why don't you go gray? Freddie! I need proof, Carrie.
I need, like, visual evidence that I'm this age.
Where are all my photos? Everything on my phone is only for, like, the last year.
Mm-hmm.
And then everything on my laptop is, like, only the last, like, couple years.
I need to see evidence of that last 18 years.
I know it's in here somewhere.
I feel like I'm, like, Rip Van Winkle and I just woke up.
You're not Rip Van Winkle, and also, you haven't been sleeping.
I know I have some photos in here.
Okay.
This is honestly-- It's gonna take-- I feel like you're really going down, like, a real nostalgia hole right now.
Look, finally.
All my disks are in here.
But I need the key for this.
Do you have it? Is there a key holder somewhere? Fred, please just put stuff on the iCloud.
But I have it all scattered across all this stuff.
Hey, do you know if, like, a Jaz drive can hold a zip disk? I would say no.
It doesn't.
I-I just don't understand.
Like, a picture is not gonna be the thing that's gonna help you feel the passage of time.
Okay, I need more of these stickers so I can label these.
You just did the old man glasses thing.
No, I didn't; I just can't read it without this.
Let's do this.
Let's-- let's open these all up, and let's-- Did you get this text from the mayor that says, "Come meet me at my office"? No.
Ooh, maybe he has a crush on you.
No, he doesn't.
Oh, my God, remember this? Happy birthday! - Hello? - Hey! Hey, you look great.
Well-- am I supposed to be here? Yes! Come in.
Come in.
Yeah.
You're wearing a robe.
Yeah, sit down.
Don't you remember? Mm-mm.
Well, let me refresh your memory.
Okay.
Five years ago today, you and I, Carrie y Mayor, made a deal.
It's pretty cool they're serving pizza at an art gallery.
Right? It's really good.
Yeah, it's kind of kids' food.
- It is kids' food.
- Yeah.
Are you thinking about having kids? I mean, uh, sure, yeah, you know, if I was with the right person.
Well, listen, five years, if you haven't found anybody, um, let's get together, and we'll have a baby.
- Wow, okay.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- Okay, see you in five years.
That was just a silly little, like, "ha-ha.
" You know, small talk.
Now I feel bad.
I thought it was real.
People make these kind of vague future romance pacts all the time.
It's just a way of putting off, like, a bad sex idea, like, indefinitely.
So how many kids do you have? - None, 'cause just-- - Well, now's the chance.
In fact, I have right here a canister of prime, Grade A - Is that your sperm? - Yes.
You just keep that here in the office? Every mayor does.
Every mayor has a canister of sperm in a beer fridge behind their desk.
What about female mayors? They don't have sperm.
This is very embarrassing.
No, it's not.
It's perfect.
- This is weird.
This is weird.
- I know it's a little weird.
It's something I have to kind of chew over.
Speaking of chewing, I opened a tin of celebratory gum.
it's gonna be good, right? I mean, I'm a little offended you didn't just go for a champagne.
This is better than a champagne.
It's $12 gum.
You're gonna love this, Carrie.
Mmm, that is so tasty.
It's just gum.
Mmm.
Take all the time you need.
- Okay.
It's just-- - I know it's a big decision.
But don't think of it as having my baby.
Think of it as having your baby.
Right, but that's your sperm, right? Yeah.
Mmm.
Well, thanks; I'll, you know, give it some thought.
Okay.
Hey, can't wait to have a lot of little Carries running around, huh? I'm not homeless.
I'm sentimental.
Hello? - Hello? - Hello! Hi, how are you? - Um, I have-- - I'm good.
- So I have all this stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
And all my photos and everything are on there and, like, all these devices, this hard drive.
And I just want to, like, put it all in one place.
Ah, okay, yeah, you want the cloud.
Yeah.
I can move everything to the cloud.
Thank you.
All of your stuff will be in one place - Thank you.
- For six months.
And what happens after that? The river.
What is the river? The river is just like the cloud, except they're not compatible in any way.
Right.
If you try to move a file from the cloud to the river, the file will get destroyed immediately, and your keyboard will get really hot.
- So I don't want that.
- I've tried the river.
And? Yes? Yeah.
What? There is still a few bugs in it.
All I want-- I need evidence of my life.
How old do you think I am? This is the problem, okay? I'm practically a teenager.
Oh, are you familiar with the concept of entropy? Vaguely.
Entropy is the idea that everything is sort of descending into chaos and disorder.
Aging, forgetting, rotting, that's all entropy.
Even if we're all decaying, I still want something somewhat permanent that I can, in my lifetime, enjoy.
Well, I'm saying nothing is permanent because of entropy.
Would you like to stop entropy? Yeah.
Well, then you must stop time itself.
Okay, is there a way we can arrange to stop time? I'm not that special a specialist.
Is there some kind of a super specialist? Matt, Mike, is the astrophysicist off his lunch break? So you're the manager here? I'm an astrophysicist, if that's what you mean.
Okay, let me tell you what the problem is.
I'm basically 32, okay? I'm into music.
I walk around.
Have a cup of coffee, you know, like, wear, like, cool clothes, got a little shirt, you know, little black pants.
And then you guys come in going, "No, uh, there's been a mistake; you're 48.
" "Us guys," do you mean the science community because-- Yeah, you guys messed up.
And when that happens, you should own up to it and fix it.
I don't know what I can do for you.
We can't make time go backwards.
That's not something that happens.
Your passage of time explanation, it isn't applying to me.
- Uh, it applies to everyone.
- It's false advertising.
- It applies to everyone.
- It's false advertising.
- I don't see how-- - It's false advertising.
I mean, say it.
That's-- that's what it is.
I don't see how it's false advertising.
So if Hershey chocolate says, "We've got this great chocolate bar," and all of a sudden, you open it up, and it's yogurt, what is that? It's false Advertising.
Do you turn away people when they complain? Generally, we try and hear people out if they have an alternate scientific theory.
Okay, my scientific theory is-- the o-opposite one I'd like to offer you is, give me my money back.
This isn't a retail transaction.
This is science.
I'm not gonna leave.
Okay, you have to do something.
I can't change the laws of physics.
Is there a black hole? Can you find a black hole for me? I beg your pardon? I've seen "Interstellar.
" I've seen movies.
And certainly, you have it within your power as a manager to get me a black hole.
Was that so hard? You know, you're lucky I'm not my dad.
He'd have his finger in your face.
Okay, so you are thinking about having a child.
Yeah, I mean, I'm in the very early stages of considering it.
Still on the fence.
Well, let's take a look at the chart and see what the chart says about your fence.
And according to this, you're a couple years away from being an old spinster.
Okay, so if I don't have a kid, then I'm just an old spinster? That's what it says right here.
It says, "couple years away from being an old spinster.
" That's not on the form.
No, that's not on the form.
But these are the terms people use.
I don't make them up.
I guess I think that there should be more positive terms.
Is there one? - Sad woman.
- No.
- Sad neighbor.
- No.
The lady who went to Peru with Gail three years ago? Why can't I just be Gail's friend? I don't see that catching on.
I mean, who's Gail? And actually, if anything, you want to get to know Gail and not her friend.
You know what? I prefer old slut.
Why don't people just call me old slut? Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
You're an old spinster.
Let's leave it at that, huh? All right, let's take a look at the old ticker.
I thought that's the heart, the ticker.
Uh, well, let's call it the tinkler.
Whoa, it's deserted in here.
It's like an old folks' home.
"Hey, nobody comes and visits me! I'm lonely!" Spiderwebs.
Hey, Janine, can we get some new spiderwebs? These are clumping.
Uh, whoa, is that Walt Disney? Hello, sir! I see they're keeping you nice and cold.
'Cause he's said to have been frozen.
You know, I'm saying your cooch is kind of cold.
Is there a female OB-GYN? There are female OB-GYNs, but I can tell you this right now-- and I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble; I can promise you that-- but they're not funny.
Your uterine lining has deteriorated 40%.
Loss of tissue, narrowing of fallopian tubes - Okay, I get it.
- Decrease of estrogen-- I-I get it.
You know what? I actually prefer the cartoon doctor.
Spooky! Ooh, is that a bat? It's not a bat, because it's a spider, because I don't know where the new girl puts the bats.
We used to have bats! Anyway, listen, I think you look good.
If you, uh, want to pop out a Goonie or two out of this old pirate's cove, I think you've got time.
Oh, you're actually being serious? Okay, look, we've had some fun.
We had some laughs.
Uh, I know you had a great time.
For me, yeah, it's been a hoot.
But I think, at the end, we kind of surprised both of ourselves by getting at something real.
I want to see you go out there and make a life for yourself.
Get a baby inside you, huh? I'm fine.
I went into this business not just to make money.
I went in this business to meet women.
Get out of here, you old slut.
What do you guys think of the mayor? Well, I voted for him twice.
I meant it more like, what do you think of him as a man, as a partner? - Really? - Yes.
- Okay.
- Wow.
He wants to have a baby with me.
And I do want to have a kid.
And you're actually thinking about this.
Absolutely.
Is that crazy? I would take his sperm, and I already have a husband and children.
I would also take his sperm.
Right, through a turkey baster; you're not-- Well, I was sort of saying I would sleep with him, actually, yeah, even though I'm married.
You know, you're gonna get fat.
- You mean pregnant.
- That is fat.
That is fat.
My arms used to look like my wrists.
Your ass doesn't grow out.
It grows to the side.
But not in a fun way.
I will say this-- my boobs have never looked better.
My boobs sagged a bunch.
Yeah, well-- Is there anybody else on the table? I mean, have you considered anyone else? That's exactly what I'm thinking.
I guess there's friends that I'm closer to that I haven't really considered.
Look, there are different kinds of qualities in life.
You know, you have, of course, money, success.
And then you have other things-- compassion, friendship, kindness Well, what about that-- what about the guy you live with, the little cute-- Oh, yeah, with the glasses.
Well, that might be weird, because we know each other so well.
- Frank.
- Frank.
- It's not Frank.
- How tall is Frank? If she said 5'11", I would've been like meh-meh.
You know, we all have our flaws, Carrie, but-- I mean, really, if you're not-- how's your baby gonna model? I mean, miniature stuff maybe, but that's about it.
I guess I wasn't hoping that my kid would be a model.
Maybe you're not ready to be a mother.
I'm excited for you.
For the first time in my life, I feel like you're really gonna make something of yourself.
And, Carrie, darn it, I'm proud of you.
What sort of a theme should we do for the baby shower? Winnie the Pooh.
_ No! No! I changed my mind! Carrie, don't forget about me.
Wow, look at all these photos.
- Hey, little Freddie.
- Uncle Manuel, hi.
What seems to be the problem? Well, my hair went gray.
I panicked.
And now I'm in this black hole.
Oh, yeah, my hair went gray at 33.
- It did? - Yeah.
But I didn't jump into a black hole.
Just dyed my hair and moved on.
Really? You dyed your hair? Oh, yeah, it really sets the clock back.
Okay.
Well, it's nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Say hi to your mom.
Good luck, Freddie.
Hey, Doctor! Mr.
Scientist.
- Yes? - Can you get me out of here? Well, scientifically, that's impossible.
But then again, none of this makes any sense.
So I figured out all I have to do is dye my hair.
Dyeing your hair isn't really significant.
You really need to do something worthwhile with your life, you want to really change.
Worthwhile.
I got to do something with my life.
Hi.
It's nice out, huh? House is looking good.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So I have some pretty big news to tell you.
Well, I've got some pretty big news too.
What? Well, I've been thinking about my life, and I worry that I've wasted a lot of time, so I thought that one thing I could do-- Fred, do you want to have a baby with me? Yeah.
Great.
When do you want to do it? Right now.
- Up we go? - Yeah, let's do it.
Great, okay.
Let me get this off, and then-- Okay.
I get to see you naked.
I know.
Have you seen my penis before? I want you to have my baby my baby, my baby I think there's a bat in here, literally.
I-I'd like a new-- not literally.
Clitorally.
Is there another doctor? Uh, I really wouldn't recommend it.
His name's Herb Spiderman.
- He was in there.
- Nurse! Okay, well, let me make a call, because I just found a cell phone from 1993.
This was before vibrate.
I don't even know what it was doing up there.
I'm naughty.
I'm a naughty gyno.
I'm gonna lose my job.
- This is it.
- We're having sex.
You made him mad, didn't you? - Are you Carrie? - Yeah.
Hi.
Frankie Armistein.
I want you to take good care of him, okay? Get on the boat.
Hey, get back here! Hi, two tickets to "Mum," please.
I've had enough.
Well, it sounds like you two have been on quite an adventure.