Rick and Morty (2013) s06e02 Episode Script

1
Hey, you kids! Don't be
bad outside my store!
I keep a nice store!
Give it up, old man!
We're just cool bad kids
doing young stuff! Chh!
You guys wanna do more skateboard moves?
- Which ones?
- The rad ones, that's which!
How are you kids?
Did you know your grandpa's
tryin' to get your attention?
Yeah, yeah, screw off, weirdo.
-
- Grandson, w-w-what's that mean?
He's one of those cult people.
They worship some psycho named Roy
that says he's everybody's grandpa.
So what do you want to do
today, e-eat some snacks
and maybe let me kiss you finally?
- Y'know, with my mouth and stuff?
- This is going on right now.
- L-Let's go check it out.
- Aw, geez.
C-Come on, just for fun, you know?
No, that's not what I'm
You guys keep thinking
I'm a religious leader.
This isn't a religion.
This is actual truth.
I'm a scientist in real life,
but this isn't real life,
this is a video game.
Y-Y-You at least understand
that much, right?
This is a video game?
But you said I'm your grandson?
I'm saying everyone is.
Everyone here, everyone
in this world but me.
You're all my grandson,
your name is Morty,
you're stuck in a video game,
and I'm here to get you out.
What about me? Am I your grandson?
I just said everyone is!
- Wow!
- Incredible!
Okay, okay, but don't react like that.
It's not a religion.
This is what is happening.
You and me and your
sister are at an arcade
called Blips and Chitz.
It's been taken over by terrorists.
The power went out, the game restarted,
and your identity has been splintered
into all the non-player characters.
So I jacked in as Roy,
that's the player character,
to get you, my grandson,
Morty, out of the game
before it's over and you die.
Okay, question over here.
- Am I your grandson?
- Jesus!
Yes! Every single one of you
is one five-billionth of Morty.
All of you, collectively, are Morty.
Look, I-I don't wanna seem impatient,
but there's actually a lot more
that we have to get done,
so if this is how hard it's gonna be,
we are in a lot of trou
Summer, what?!
I can't do this if you keep bugging me!
Do you understand time dilation?
I'm losing a month a second out here.
There's an alien army shooting people.
- What am I doing?!
- It's a small group of alien terrorists.
- Just do a "Die Hard."
- What does that mean?
Sneak around, use air vents.
You've never seen "Die Hard"?
I'm 17. No, I've never
seen fucking "Die Hard"!
Well, neither did the guy in
"Die Hard," so you're nailing it!
Good luck!
Larry
No, I'm at the end of
my rope with this kid,
I swear to God
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
- Your beautiful hair!
This is not a daughter's haircut!
I'm not a daughter, I'm a grandson.
Your family had a
perfectly fine religion!
You were raised Jewish!
Dad, tell me anything specific
about being Jewish.
There's a million things!
You go to the temple with
the the the special hat,
t-the falafafluten
Oh, the falafafluten?
Our Jewish words are gibberish
because we're a 14-year-old boy
who was raised
nondenominational Christian
and we're in a video game!
I don't need to hear
this schmoitenheiven!
Let me ask you this,
little miss grandson,
little miss video game character.
If you're not my daughter,
why stand in my house
spouting this chatschkopfka?
- Why even live here?
- Good question.
There she goes! My daughter!
One five-billionth of a kid
trapped in a video game!
Yeah, that and a college
degree'll pay the rent!
What do you people want?
We have many interests,
but right now my primary
one is the location.
Of. Your. Safe.
We exchange tokens for digital currency.
We don't have a safe.
Correction, what you
don't have is a head.
Ohh!
Is this a weapon or a medical tool?
Why would you give me a
gun with a laser that thin?
Did you hear me tell him
he wouldn't have a head?
- He's dead, isn't he?
- People die in surgery.
Hey! Who don't touched me?!
I don't like being touched!
Check the hostages.
Make sure nobody else here
is doing a "Die Hard."
Hello, hello, hello,
my name is Morty ♪
I'm a 14-year-old
boy in a video game ♪
- All right! Yeah!
- Aw, geez!
Yeah. Look. I feel like every time
I explain this, I lose followers,
but this isn't a religion.
And while I do have a message
from a world beyond this one,
and I do need the entire
world to hear my message,
what I do not need is
any more songs about it.
Not in this genre.
I'm an old-school hip-hop man,
and no, that's not an
invitation for you to try it
because I'm just gonna say it,
we're missing the mark on diversity.
Get down! You're all under arrest
for being religious the wrong way!
It's not a religion!
You know what, just shoot me.
You think your god
makes you bulletproof?
There isn't even a God in the real
world, you fragmented putz.
- There's extra no God in here.
- You know what, hippie?
Talking like that is why
you're getting shot!
If you kill him, the game
ends and we all die.
- Get down, lady!
- I'm not a lady.
And you're not a soldier.
We're one person, split
into a lot of little pieces.
Y-You feel me? Dawg?
Y-Y-You're not gonna hurt me. You're me.
My name is Kevin! I'm a Marine!
I'm 30! I'm a little racist,
but my best friend is an immigrant
that translated for me in
a generic overseas war!
That's not true.
We're 14, we like pizza
and masturbation,
we wear a yellow shirt,
and we have hair that
looks like a brown helmet.
A-And we miss our family.
And we're in way over our heads again.
- Why's this always happen, man?
- I know, right?
Aw, geez.
- Aw, geez.
- Come here.
- Aw, geez.
- Come here.
- Aw, geez.
- Aw, geez.
- Aw, geez.
- Aw, geez.
Who is that?
Her video game name is Marta.
Okay. See, this I can work with.
"Sneak around. Crawl in some vents.
Do a 'Die Hard.'"
Oh, my God, it's disgusting!
Actually, it tastes really good.
Oh, my God, it's disgusting
that it tastes good!
Frank, have you found him? Report.
Oh. Oh. Walkie talkie.
That's "Die Hard."
- Don't have to see it to know that.
- This is Jons.
I repeat, have you found him?
Breaker, breaker. Walkie talkie.
I got your walkie talkie. Bitch.
Are you doing a "Die Hard"?
Maybe.
Are you? Also?
More or less.
And my associate, Frank?
Uh, your associate Frank is
definitely not doing a "Die Hard."
You might even say
he's doing a Die Easy.
Because I killed him
and it wasn't difficult.
Calm yourself, Winslow.
Winslow!
Ugh.
It's not every day one meets a fellow
"Die Hard" enthusiast, Ms.
- Call me "Die Hard."
- Okay, Die Hard.
Tell me. What do you
know about "Die Hard"?
What do you care? You writing
a book about "Die Hard"?
As a matter of fact,
I've written several.
Every sentient civilization
across the galaxy
eventually develops the same myth.
In Centauri, it's known as "Tower Man."
The Orionese have their
"Thornberg Cycle."
And in Andromeda it's called
"Foolish to Have Imagined
You'd Be Able to Kill."
All of them what you'd call "Die Hard."
The difference being
that cultures like mine
are aware of its importance
whereas I'm starting to doubt
you could even recall a single line.
Walkie talkie "Die Hard," motherfucker.
Aaah!
Not so long ago,
Grandsonism was being
dismissed as a doomsday cult.
But since a majority
of the world decided,
hey, you know what, we like
jerking off and playing video games
and our sister is out
there fighting terrorists,
major strides have been made.
The world is united, because the
world is one 14-year-old boy, Morty.
But where's it all coming from?
Some say Grandsonism's leader, Roy,
has a secret base somewhere
in these mountains.
I-I-I couldn't find it,
so I'm standing in
in the general area with a microphone.
For Good Enough News, I'm Tony!
There she is, my right-hand Morty!
- Got enough spaceships?
- Not yet.
I figure five more years of game time
before I can take the
whole fake population
into fake outer space.
What do we do in outer space?
Nothing. It's fake. W-We keep going.
The game's map has edges,
but the game's engine
will let us go past them.
That will force the game to reset,
but first it will kick us out,
which Morty should survive.
I mean, whatever amount
of Morty we have on board.
So if you don't have five billion
handkerchiefs soaked in chloroform,
I hope you can keep flipping
idiots to our cause.
They're not idiots, Grandpa.
- They're me.
- Ha.
You'll know how funny
that is when we get back.
By the way, I had your genius
of a father picked up.
- He's over there.
- What? Why?
I thought you'd be grateful
and less distracted
than if I let him die.
He's been in real bad shape
since he lost his wife
- My mom?
- Your not-at-all-real mom,
a mom in a video game.
Occupied by a tiny fraction of yourself.
A fraction of yourself
which is now dead forever,
and fractions add up, so I
had your dad brought here.
You're welcome, you heartless monster.
Marta. It's me, Dad.
I converted for you.
My name is Morty. So is yours.
And there's no conversion.
We're both Morty. It's a fact.
Sure, honey, anything you
say. I don't want to fight.
I'm proud of you. Are you mad at me
because before you became the
world's most powerful woman,
I shamed you for your haircut
and called you a slutty jobless hobo?
If I were you, I'd be a
little mad about that.
You are me. A-and why
would I be mad at myself?
Good point! Is there anything
to to eat around here?
There's a kitchenette in the break room.
Oh, a kitchenette you say.
Such red carpet treatment.
- Excuse me?
- I said thank you, I love it,
we we we're all part of Morty!
Some of us more important
parts than others
Man, the part of me that's
my father is a twat.
That's also gonna be
funny when we get back.
Next time you try to do a "Die Hard,"
don't hide under a long table
like the guy from "Die Hard."
Okay, I won't.
I thought you said she doesn't
know how to do a "Die Hard"!
- She doesn't.
- She's killing us off one by one!
What do you expect her to do,
buy us each an ice cream?
Two by two? She's improvising.
Which is how she's going to
fall right into our trap.
I'm going to wander the arcade unarmed,
and when she comes across me,
I'll pretend to be a hostage.
And because she hasn't seen "Die Hard,"
instead of handing me an unloaded gun,
she'll hand me a ugh!
"Die Hard"! "Die Hard"! "Die Hard"!
What the hell was that?!
"Die Hard"! "Die Hard"!
You can't just keep yelling "Die Hard"
into a walkie talkie and ugh!
She threw her walkie talkie away!
She hates "Die Hard"!
Which makes her the ultimate McClane.
Forget everything you
know about "Die Hard"
and just go shoot that bitch!
Thank you for meeting with me, Mr. Roy.
Half the country hangs
on your every word.
Heck, most of the world.
You're, like, uh, kind
of a pope, I reckon.
L I'm not a pope because
it's not a religion.
We're literally in a video game.
I've heard the message, Roy.
You're not on the clock here.
So you want every single
person on a spaceship.
But you got a bunch of holdouts.
Maybe people that prefer their
leaders a little more elected.
Right. Your voters. People that
like being told what to do,
but don't like admitting it.
Yeah, not sure I'd put it that way.
I'm sure you'd put it a stupid way.
I told you this was a waste of time.
I've got 92% of you ready to vamoose.
We're not gonna get the rest
by making deals with parasites.
Mr. President, Roy is Rick.
He's not us. You and I, w-we're Morty.
Is that really so hard to believe?
Kid, I've known it and I've believed
it longer than you have.
We both became video game
characters at the same moment,
but I knew the truth before
you dropped your skateboard
and went to your first cult meeting.
How do you think a guy becomes
a President in this game, honey?
By not paying attention?
Sorry to call you honey,
I know we're both parts
of a 14-year-old boy,
but my part's old-fashioned
and vaguely Southern.
I'm confused. If If you
know Rick is real, why
Why hold out? Because
he's a rude, entitled cock.
He's here to save us.
He He could've left
the game and let us die.
He's spent 50 years
50 years, it's what,
a couple hours to him?
He refuses to leave
without his grandson,
but what's grandson mean to him?
Sounds like it means butler.
Someone to "Help Summer
with her 'Die Hard,'"
whatever that means.
I'll tell you what it doesn't mean.
Fly fishing. A hug.
A little appreciation for what
is clearly a pretty decent kid.
At least the 8% of him that
makes up the decent half
of the greatest God damn
nation on the planet.
We're not a person to him yet.
We're not Morty yet. We-We're divided.
We're divided because some
of us doesn't trust the guy.
What happens to that part of us
when we're all back together?
One Morty? Indivisible?
Under a cranky old bag of dicks?
A man you can lock in a box
with five billion pieces
of his own God damn flesh and blood
for 50 God damn simulated years
and never hear him say "I love you"?
Sorry, pumpkin tits,
that dog don't hunt.
Wa-Want some heroin?
I-It's a video game, might as well.
Just about ready for launch, kiddo.
I can finally get outta these clothes.
I don't have nearly enough pockets.
And it'll be nice to have
my own dick back.
Y-you're fine leaving 8% of me to die?
It's not your finest 8%, Morty.
And 8% of anything is expendable.
8% of pizza is crust.
8% of the Snyder Cut
was Batman dreaming.
I don't know what that reference is!
- We're in a video game!
- Not for long, baby!
I'm not leaving without all of me.
What? Oh, no, let me
crunch these numbers.
8% of five billion plus one person
my God, if you stay,
it changes nothing! Bye.
If she's not going, I don't think
my country wants to go.
Who invited you to chime
in, monitor face?
Why give me a monitor if
my opinion doesn't matter?
Your opinion isn't allowed
to matter for the rest of us.
We're all a-Morty. How many chunks of us
- are we a-supposed to give up?
- Look, I don't know about you,
but I was already taking
a big leap of faith, here.
We-We're basically giving up our lives
to become a tiny part of a stranger
- These lives aren't a-real!
- Yeah, but they're longer!
What What is this, suicide
by summit meeting?
Everyone stop.
Rick, I'll get every single part of me
- to get on every ship and go with you.
- Good.
But you have to tell us you love us.
I mean, at this point
even if he said it,
what what what's with the pause?
Screw you, wait for it!
- Holy war!
- Holier war!
Holiest war ever!
Loyalist Evacucratic Grandsonistas
claimed seven new cities today,
while the Stayputlican
Contrasurgent Confederation
of Dedication to Video Game Reality
invaded the territories of Mortopia,
New South Saint Morty, and Wemortyall.
In the end, what does it
matter, everyone's Morty,
nobody wants to die, and
that's a hell of a reason
to kill yourself, but what can we do?
Aw, geez.
You know you're my grandson
and none of this is real!
What are you trying to achieve?
You're only hurting yourself!
The only reason any of us matter
is we're pieces of Morty!
You taught us that, Rick.
But you also taught us you
don't care about Morty.
Here's how much I care.
If you don't stop blowing
up my flying saucers,
I will exterminate
every last one of you!
Anything it takes!
What do I have to say?
I love and respect you, okay?
Too late for talk, Rick.
A robot. Of course.
I'm not gonna risk dying
because if I die in the game,
you go brain dead, you're welcome!
Better to die in Roy
than to serve in hell!
And what about Summer? Do
Do you not care about her?
We gotta get back, Morty.
We gotta help her.
You know what, wherever she is,
I'm sure she's doing
fine without your help.
Woof, jinx, anyone?
Should we finish the
job, b-blow the place?
No, this can't end, not like this.
Do you think I jinxed her?
Why aren't you shooting higher?
I don't wanna shoot
the glass. Because
You don't have to not do things
that were done in "Die Hard."
You can shoot the glass.
Shoot the glass!
Throw grenades! Do everything!
Just kill her!
Why are you here, Miss Die Hard?
I want to know why you don't just leave.
- "Die Hard"!
- Aw, geez.
- Wait. Shh. Shh.
- We get every single person
on a spaceship, and then what?
And then we help your
sister do her "Die Hard."
- Too much. It's too much.
- Ooh, sorry.
I've got a special guest
with me, Ms. Die Hard!
Or should I call you
this guy's sister?
- Mom.
- Hello, dear.
- I'm joining the other side.
- What? Why?
I wanna live in the real world with Roy.
I wanna help Summer with her Die Hard."
His name is Rick.
And we have no way of knowing
if your generation is
actually part of Morty.
Do you know how offensive that is?
It's parenting like this that pushed
me into religious radicalism.
- Bye.
- It's not
Not a religion. But okay.
Ma'am, it's really not safe out here.
Also, it's time.
Are we going on the spaceship now?
Pretty soon, Dad. Yeah.
Are you lying?
You kind of said it with
that tone in your voice
that we use for dying people.
I won't lie to you. You're dying, Dad.
And we're not leaving the video game.
We're We're gonna
live our lives out here.
What? Why the fuck?!
- Why?
- It's more real here.
The hell it is! My liver hurts!
I'm old here!
I wanna be a teenage boy!
I want to jump around and do homework
and jerk off all over the place.
But, Dad, that's
We would've been one tiny part of that.
In here, we get to be who we really are.
Yeah. Great. Dead.
I get to be a dead father.
Who do I make the
Who do I
- Who
- Don't talk, Dad.
- Gotta finish my zinger.
- You don't.
Who do Who do
Who do I make the check out to?
"Best Daughter Ever Incorporated"?
Thought you woulda left by now.
I was hoping to get at
least half of you home.
I can't hold out much longer.
I-I'm pretty much beating my
heart voluntarily at this point.
Okay, this is a little awkward,
but the time dilation has
given me a chance to reflect.
And I-I-I gotta say
There's no need for that.
I've come to tell you,
I'm giving the go-ahead.
All of Morty will leave with you.
To the real world.
To be your grandson,
may we help Summer do her "Die Hard."
I-I gotta say, I-I was
not expecting that.
W-Why the change of heart?
My people are staying
only out of loyalty to me.
I'm a relic.
I don't represent them anymore.
You really are a good
grandson, you know that?
- I'm proud of you, Morty.
- Please, call me Marta.
That's my video game name.
Speaking of which,
I do have one condition.
I must say I admire you, Ms. Die Hard.
You were a genuine McClane
a most worthy Yankee doodle ruffian.
But now it's all come to an end.
And the quarterback,
as they say, is toast.
I don't suppose you have
a gun taped to your back.
What the hell does that mean?
It's how "Die Hard" ends.
Doesn't matter now.
"Die Hard" tapes a gun to his back?
That's the end of your perfect movie
that you've patterned your
whole criminal life after?
Well, it seems to have
worked out pretty well for me
since you're the one about to die.
What was it you said? Ah, yes.
"Walkie talkie 'Die Hard,'
motherfucker."
- Why are you laughing?
- Well, it's funny.
The way you said motherfucker.
- Just laughing.
- Okay. It's just that
Oh, does that happen in "Die Hard"?
Does John McClane laugh,
and then Hans Gruber is confused,
but then they start laughing
together for a second?
That actually does happen, yes!
Wait. You knew their
names this whole time?
Not this whole time, no.
You left your book in the bathroom.
I read it while I took a shit.
I mean, mostly the ending.
Yiiiiiiiiiii
ippppppeeeeeeeee
- Oh.
- dippee doo, baby!
Nice timing, Grandpa Rick!
Tochter aus Elysium
- Uh
- Hi, remember me?
You shot me on that table,
and the near-death experience
got me reflecting.
I didn't used to be like this.
I-I uh, ate a kid.
It was dark, and I thought
he was a grown-up.
Ever since then, I haven't
eaten anybody at all.
I think I was channeling all
that pent-up eating energy
into this job. But now
Thank you for freeing me.
Classic "Tower Man."
Almost too on the nose. Right, Morty?
Sure. I mean, whatever you say, Rick.
Y-You know best! I trust you implicitly.
- Is he all right?
- Oh, yeah, he's fine.
Got him all out, every last piece.
What's with the jacked-up "Roy" machine?
Shouldn't you be taking that to repairs?
Nah, special order.
Some rich douche wants his
last game to keep running.
Hooked it up to an external battery.
We're just supposed to store it.
- Weird.
- Yeah, and get this.
The game's still going, but Roy's dead.
- What?
- Yeah, he's just a corpse
floating at the edge of outer space,
but for some reason
the game won't restart
'cause it's centered on some
old lady living a full life.
Hmm. Sounds bad.
Well, put it in there.
Hey, is anybody that wants
this later gonna be able to
Huh? Oh, yeah, everything's
cataloged and tracked.
People got the wrong idea
from the size of the space,
but it's all supported digitally.
So I can put it anywhere.
- Here's fine?
- That's as fine as anywhere else!
Why isn't anyone attacking him?
It's fucking freezing out.
No, I think it's the sign.
Well, the sign from "Die
Hard 3" was clearly racist.
Obviously. But I think
we went too broad.
"Everybody"? I mean,
who is that offending?
Everybody?
At this point, why even do it?
I wish my brother was still alive.