Still Open All Hours (2013) s06e02 Episode Script

Oh, hello, Kath.
Why don't you come inside and cool off? We've got a fan.
I don't mind if I do.
Now, that's thoughtful.
Keeping the customers cool.
The interest of the customer is always paramount.
Now, where did you learn to lie like that and look so honest? Some say it's a gift.
How's your Eric? He's still trying to rekindle the excitement of our earlier years.
What, on a Tuesday? Can't he wait until the weekend? He'll be waiting longer than that.
Well, I'm glad you called in because these are on special offer.
No, not to be repeated Hot from the pan.
Where do you want it? Oh, yes.
Just here.
Hang it over this grill here.
I've got the feeling I'm an innocent party in one of your schemes.
Watch and learn.
This is called proactive grocery.
Have you got any salad? That's a low down sneaky thing to do.
That Madge says I've got to slim.
Will that be before or after the bacon butty? - After.
- Okay, well I don't want that bit.
No, this is for display purposes only.
Leroy, go and make Gastric a fresh bacon butty.
Sit.
This place smells of yesterday's bacon.
Sold a few bacon butties, though, didn't we? You won't sell much this morning with the place smelling like this.
There you are.
It now smells "mountain fresh with added Aloe vera".
And yesterday's bacon.
Now, don't you start.
What is it? It's mountain fresh with added Aloe vera.
And yesterday's bacon.
What would you like, Mr Newbold? Mrs Rossi.
I mean, tomato puree.
Why would I say Mrs Rossi? We do.
We frequently do.
You're up and about early.
It's a bad morning for lingering about the house.
Oh, dear.
What is it? The wife again? The woman is a genius at silent disapproval.
And she ain't too bad at full volume either.
Don't look at me for sympathy.
You don't know what trouble is until you've been invaded by Mrs Featherstone.
You'd be in experienced hands, Mr Newbold.
She's had three husbands.
And look what happened to them.
All dead.
It's beginning to look like the only way out.
You know what? We've been overlooking the pulling power of the attractive scent.
I think that's how Mr Newbold feels since he discovered Mrs Rossi.
Has he discovered Mrs Rossi? I'm not saying he's planted his flag.
Well, I don't like him straying from Mrs Featherstone.
I mean, if she loses him, she sets her sights back on me.
I think you'd make a lovely couple.
Give over.
Not even in jest.
The Black Widow and the Grasping Grocer.
Who'll never be found grasping the Black Widow.
I've seen you struggling with her.
Only to escape.
She's got a fiercer grip than Audrey Hackett.
Who's Audrey Hackett? Audrey Hackett, inventor of the Hackett grip.
She was 1973 Yorkshire Freestyle Champion Man Mauler.
What? How would you like to stop ironing and just waste the rest of the day? Oh, Eric, get real.
Just thought I'd ask.
You know, in case you were too shy to make the first move.
You think I'm too shy? Actually, I think you've got more gob on you than most people could handle.
- But - But can you handle it? I'm the man.
Who would you turn to if we were in danger? Well, it wouldn't be you, cos you'd be at your mother's.
Don't you ever wake up and think, "What a great day for making love outdoors, on a blanket"? I did, actually.
Only last Wednesday.
You never said.
Well, you were at your mother's.
Anyway, we haven't got a waterproof blanket.
Signature required.
Oh, you can't write on them things.
Just do it.
Nobody cares.
Whatever happened to copperplate handwriting, eh? Whatever happened to tips? Yes.
What rubbish have you bought now? New extension to our catering arm.
- We've got a catering arm? - Yes, we have now.
There it is.
One commercial six-slice sandwich toaster.
It's an old, probably second-hand, commercial six-slice sandwich toaster.
Fully reconditioned at the factory.
The Kalamistan People's Republic Number 1 Factory.
Death to capitalism.
Never beaten on price.
There you are, see? Good as new, eh? Right, well, you'd better see if it works.
Look, that's enough of the pessimism.
I've told you, it's been right back to the factory.
It's fully reconditioned.
Now, switch that on there, and there's a button on the front here, like that, you see? Now Do you think it's supposed to do that? Don't try and talk me out of it.
I want no arguments.
I need a makeover.
You'll get no arguments from me.
But you always have the same old style.
Boring but respectable.
Not any more.
There are some hormones round here need shaking up.
Mr Newbold.
You see, you recognise the description.
It is time to kick-start his playtime motor.
They usually need it slowing down.
Yeah, not Mr Newbold.
If he goes any slower, he'll be indistinguishable from stationary.
What kind of makeover have you got in mind? I'm only a small business.
Well, respectable but seductive.
Nothing overexciting.
I don't want him pawing and panting.
But I'm determined to stir some reaction.
How seductive? It's a big jump from stamp collecting.
Ah, they soon pick it up.
What have you got for jump-starting the over-60s? What are we talking? Suitable for beginners or fasten your seat belts? Try me.
How long's Gastric going to take to fix the electrics? Give him a chance.
It's Kalamistan wiring he's fiddling with.
Yeah, people are going to think that we're shut.
You'd better get out there and tell them we're still open.
I'm not going out there.
All right, all right.
No, perhaps you're right.
I'll need you in here to, you know, watch them.
Watch them for what? For shoplifting.
Look at the place.
It's full of dark corners everywhere.
It's a pilferer's paradise.
- Are you open? - Yes, yes, sir we are.
Do come in.
What can I get you? I'm just looking, thanks.
Yeah, okay.
Thank you.
All right, go on.
Follow him.
- Follow him where? - Follow him everywhere.
Go on.
You didn't sell him anything, did you? They all look like decapitated guitarists.
Well, have you decided what's your favourite tune? I think a black one.
Are you sure about black? You're always in black.
Well, I've buried three husbands.
It saves so much time.
Well, there's no doubt that black suits ya.
Then let's go more black.
Black to die for.
And they do.
If they can't stand the heat, they shouldn't be near the flame.
Poor Mr Newbold.
A reluctant moth.
Ah, no, I wouldn't say reluctant.
I think he daren't believe I'm his to handle.
Oh, when I say handle, of course, I don't mean handle.
Have you decided on this one, then? Yes.
I think a touch of the Spanish look.
A hint of flamenco.
Rose between your teeth.
Oh, no, I daren't overdo it.
He's scarcely ready for the simple cotton nightie.
Although, if I am going to be a sex bomb I may as well go nuclear.
About time.
Just Where did he come from? You should have stopped him and searched him.
You can't just search people.
Well, of course you can.
If you do it causally, like as if you're just brushing them down.
You know, like this.
You just go, there we are, sir.
Just a moment.
Just wanting to check there.
Check at the back.
You see? There.
I've changed the plug on the toaster, mended your fuse.
You'll be fine now.
Oh, I found this 50p piece.
I knew you'd be grieving for it.
You don't think I worry about every 50p piece, do you? You what? I bet you can tell him exactly when you lost it.
November 15th, 2011, 4.
30.
Welcome back, you little devil.
Missed you.
Oh, I could use one of those toasted sandwiches you've been promising.
Right, they're on their way.
You're at the start of something big.
It's easy.
When you see Mrs Rossi coming, you go out there and you charm her.
With some of the chat-up lines we've been feeding you.
I don't know why you think I'm so taken with her.
All I said was I thought she looked attractive.
Well, she does.
And I said so in my sleep.
And now the wife thinks that I'm involved with Mrs Rossi.
You keep away from Mrs Rossi.
Come on.
Dazzle.
Give her some smooth.
Remember, you've been coached by the best.
But slow down once you've got her dominated.
Remember, she's just a fragile, feminine flower.
Fragile feminine flower? - Don't you wish they were? - Mr Newbold.
How nice.
Know what you mean.
Mrs Rossi, you look I'm told you're very shy.
Yes.
I haven't seen you in the library.
That's only because you weren't there when I went looking.
- You've been looking? - Oh, yes.
I mean, I'll stop immediately if that disturbs you.
No.
I'd hate you to think I was pushy.
Perhaps a little pushy.
Quick, through here.
And they said you were shy.
Is the big boy in? Tell him some babe is out here, wanting to see him.
He's just adjusting his toaster.
He wants toast? Tell him he should catch me while I'm hot.
Well, what do you think, kid? Oh, you can't ask a man.
They just tell you what you want to hear.
Do you think this will get his motor running? Well, Mrs Featherstone, I think you look Well, don't rush it.
Take your time.
Very striking.
What, like some old clock? Well, that's hardly the effect I'm after.
It could be worse.
I'd grab it while it's on offer.
Let's come back later.
We don't want to lose the element of surprise.
Right, come with me.
Now, it occurred to me that you ought to be made aware of the advantages of knowing the back-door route into my premises.
Sounds a bit sneaky.
You're right, absolutely.
Got it in one.
Although I have to admit to no serious objections to a bit of sneaky.
Am I awful? You are the least awful person that I know.
- Right - But sneaky.
Hello, sneaky.
Hello, Granville.
I must say, I've found you to be rather forceful.
I'm sorry about that.
Don't be.
I was quite impressed.
Really? And here we are in my private quarters.
Away from prying eyes Usually.
Ah, Granville, we were just taking refuge from Mrs Featherstone.
Oh, can't argue with that.
And I was just going to show this young lady my new toaster.
She's go I see you've met.
Leroy, would you show Mr Newbold and Mrs Rossi to safety? As I want to show this young lady how to work my toaster.
Leroy, you've been very understanding about our I've been there.
It makes for rather interesting shopping.
Hi, Beth.
Excuse me.
Have you seen where he keeps the cat litter? Don't tell me shy.
Mrs Featherstone? Underneath all this glamour, yes, it is.
You've changed - your make-up? - Oh, not only that, dear.
This is the new gets-into-every-corner model.
Do you like it? It's different.
Different? Yes, of course it's different.
That's the point.
I have been told there is a hint of Madonna.
Madonna? When she was younger, of course.
Why is it always about Ruby? You're looking good, Mavis.
Maybe I should always come in the back way? Any way, any time.
You never showed me the toaster.
Oh, well, you know, forget about the toaster.
Oh, there you go, you see.
A failed toaster.
No.
Oh, your Madge is coming.
Oh, she can't find me here.
I told her I was going to see Mrs Bentley.
Oh, well, pop behind the counter.
Go on.
I'll get rid of her.
Oh, you're very cool in emergencies.
I like that in a person.
- It's crowded.
- What do you mean, it's crowded? Trust me, it's crowded.
Is Mavis here? Does it look as if Mavis is here? Now it's crowded.
Granville? If you're in there, opportunity knocks.
In technicolour.
That's it.
I think we're Featherstone free.
Hey, up.
Hello? Shop? Good day to you, madam.
How may we help? May we interest you in a toasted sandwich? He's got a nice face.
He still looks like a dweeb.
A gentle creature, Ruby.
A male with sensitivity.
But where's his muscle tone? You can build it as you get to know him.
The new catering arm.
Got to keep ahead of the game.
It's all right.
It'll pop up when it's toasted.
Yes, coming.
Just a minute.
She's too fierce for me.
Willis, you need a girl who can handle your mother.
You are not going to tell my mother.
No.
You are, sooner or later.
Well, maybe Ruby won't like me.
Don't do that.
Don't talk yourself down.
Well, I don't.
Mother usually does that for me.
He's tricky.
He's going to try and make Ruby dislike him.
Won't be hard.
That's a default position.
Why doesn't he like her? I think he would, if he dare.
You're losing me.
The way he sees it, it's easier to get rid of Ruby than have to tell his mother that he's acquired a girlfriend.
He doesn't deserve Ruby.
Nobody deserves Ruby.
What do you mean, we're not right for each other? I'm not being dumped by some muppet named Willis.
No offence, but you're not my type.
You don't have a type.
You've just got your mother.
Well, you're not her type either.
Oh, you let her choose your women? She is one.
She knows 'em better.
What is it you don't like about me? I bruise easily.
Well, sometimes it's worth it.
You liked that, didn't ya? Right, where do you want it? Just here, on the counter.
Proudly.
Let it advertise itself, you know? Tasty toasted sandwiches.
I could murder a toasted bacon butty.
You usually do.
Anyway, listen, I've got some here, already made up.
What we'll do, we'll pop a couple in, and let the odour circulate.
There.
If that Madge happens to ask you My lips are sealed.
I'll slim in-between meals.
It's only me.
But the new me.
The new available for parties are you ready for it me.
Here's the man who needs to see the new me.
How's this for hot stuff? Oh, flippin' 'eck.
Never thought I'd be glad the place was full of smoke.
Talk about swimming with sharks.
She nearly got me by the freezers.
I had to dodge back smartly round today's offers.
The woman has a grip worse than my money belt.
Ah, well, another day, another thread in the rich retail tapestry.
Goodnight, Kalamistan.
Home of the people's toaster.
Ye Gods.
It's at it again.