The Mindy Project s06e02 Episode Script

1 Mindy, Ben, as your couples' therapist, I remind you that an open dialogue is very important.
And very expensive.
$250 an hour.
[chuckles.]
This sofa's not even that comfortable.
I don't know where the money's going.
I have a very nice house upstate.
Ben.
What's on your mind today? Well, my issue is that I still never see her.
Last night, I cooked her favorite meal, chicken pot pie a la mode, but she never came home so I just threw it in the trash.
I still ate it! And, like, two pages of newspaper that it was resting on.
Mindy, coming home to a home-cooked meal by Ben would be most women's dream come true.
You're right; I should have told a screaming woman in labor that I had to rush home for a home-cooked meal.
All right, I see we're going nowhere with this.
Why don't we take a look at this week's homework.
Right.
Yes, okay.
[playful music.]
"Mindy, what I appreciate about you is your work ethic and you're a good mother.
" Oh, that was beautiful.
Mindy.
"Ben, what I appreciate about you is your work ethic and that you're a good father.
" "Mindy, what I'm frustrated about is, "when I feel like our relationship is an afterthought to your day.
" "Ben, what I'm frustrated about is, nothing.
" Perfect wife, no complaints, three-pointer, swish-swish, bish.
Mindy, you're just looking at your pedometer.
It says you've only taken eight steps today.
How is that even possible? Listen, we've been coming here for weeks and we have yet to get a diagnosis.
My diagnoses take, like, five seconds, okay? Patients in; small talk; stirrups; "You have a UTI"; lollipop; "No, we don't take Obamacare.
" Done! You are married to an incredibly intelligent, genuine man with soulful eyes.
And yet you've made no significant changes to your lifestyle to accommodate your marriage.
That's not true; I shave my legs, like, once a month.
I mean, at least, one of them.
Mindy, here, the point is, how is this relationship gonna last when you face a real challenge? MINDY: Uh, when we face a real challenge, we'll conquer it with our love.
Why are you being so quiet right now? I don't think he's being quiet.
He's speaking paragraphs with those eyes.
MINDY: Guys, stop everything.
Do you guys think I'm a bad wife? [scoffs.]
I would kill to be married to you.
You got all these nooks and crannies that can keep me warm.
Ben is so lucky; you pay for everything.
It's like he's Melania, and you're the American taxpayer.
- Oh, Jody! - Yep.
Do you think that I'm a bad wife? Oh, yeah, you're definitely a bad wife.
But like Michael Jackson "Bad.
" Sha-mon, hee-hee 'Cause I'm definitely that.
No, not Michael Jackson bad.
Just regular bad.
You know how I hate to be un-PC.
No, you don't; you won that category in speech team.
You're right.
Yes, I did.
For my original oratory entitled, "Why do they get to say it?" But as I was saying, I think women these days have forgotten the importance of femininity in relationships.
MORGAN: I'm sorry, you don't think Dr.
L is feminine? She gets her period every other day.
Yeah, and she's always ordering bras to the office from that company Little Miss Asymmetrical.
Yeah, Jody.
Take that.
You asked my opinion, and I gave it.
But sure, don't trust me; trust these three geniuses.
COLETTE: What do you got? What do you got? I'm gonna pull it right out.
Oh, yeah, it's a big one.
BOTH: Oh! - Get a pic.
- Hold on.
One, two, three.
- Ew, what? - TAMRA: Got it.
MORGAN: Post that on social media.
Everyone, we have an announcement.
After ten months of successful dating, Anna and I have decided it would be best if we romantically decoupled.
- [gasps.]
- Romantically decoupled? What is that? It's Hollywood speak for breaking up.
Like how being dehydrated means you're on drugs.
No! How is this possible? You two made me believe in love again.
It's the worst day of my life.
What about when you broke your neck? Oh, not even close! That was vacation compared to this.
- Okay.
- ANNA: Yes, it is unfortunate, but we both agree it is for the best.
Chaps, we really appreciate your support, but Anna and I will continue to be good friends.
Back to work, everybody.
This is so sad.
I'm gonna have to get real dehydrated tonight.
- [knock on door.]
- MINDY: Come in.
- Hey.
- Hey, Ben.
What are you doing here? Oh, no.
Did you find out that I was using your toothbrush? I've only been using it on my eyebrows.
No.
I wanted to talk to you about a really exciting job opportunity I got today.
Oh, is it to be Not to be a nude nurse for elderly men.
Mindy, I already told you, I do not feel comfortable doing that.
I know, but we are living in a gig economy, Ben, and I think you would make a lot in tips.
Okay, well, thank you, but No.
It's actually to be the head nurse in the Penn Memorial Emergency Room.
In Philadelphia? That's almost in another state.
It is definitely in another state.
Pennsylvania.
Oh, right, where Dracula lives.
- Okay, go on.
- Anyway, the interview's tomorrow.
Obviously the distance is a real issue, so maybe I shouldn't go? No, no, no.
I mean, it sounds like an incredible opportunity.
I think you should interview and we'll see what happens.
- Okay.
- I ordered a 30-inch sub for lunch.
So you want to stay? I could spare an inch or two.
Actually I gotta work on my application, get my interviews khakis ready, get those pleats poppin'.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh! Morgan.
Don't sneak up on me like that.
Yeah.
Lab results.
So what's going on with you, man? What's up? What's the goss? What's the scuttlebutt? Ben turned me down for lunch, which is weird, because he's never done that before, and Okay, yeah, no, that's boring.
I mean, like, gossip about, I don't know, like, nursing employment opportunities.
Have you heard any gossip in that area? What? No.
Morgan, I am too hungry for gossip right now.
Okay, can you please pick up my sandwich - from the service elevator? - Got it.
They said it was too big for the regular elevator.
Oh, you got the Clogger.
Nice.
MINDY: Yeah.
[upbeat music.]
Oh.
Hello.
I I didn't mean to interrupt.
But, Jeremy, I found the Limoges box that we both fell in love with while antiquing upstate, and I thought we should have joint custody.
No, you keep it.
Your jewelry needs organizing more than mine.
While we're at it, would you like back the bust of Queen Victoria that you gave me for my birthday? No, that's okay.
I know you like to rub her wattle for good luck.
- Ah.
- Sorry to bother.
Well, I must say, you handled that well.
- I am proud of you.
- It is but a brave front.
At home I cried so hard that my Alexa called a suicide hotline.
Don't be a fool, Jeremy; women are simple insane creatures.
They'll assume anyone you date next has to be prettier than Anna.
You just leveled up, son.
Leveled up, have I? Really? Huh, I'm a level two now, I suppose.
Sure.
Aim high.
Hey, Morgan, what do you think of the name Dominique for a baby? This site says it's a good name if you want your child to become a top-level gymnast or oh, a French sex offender.
Never mind.
Hey, did you hear about this cool nursing job at Penn Memorial? They called Ben Miller for an interview, and no one called me.
Why do you care about a job in Philadelphia? Why Ben? I mean What does he have that I don't? No prison record.
A working neck I don't mean to list things.
Look, look, people think I have no ambition just because I have 40 dogs and I share a bunk bed with my lesbian roommate, but I got big dreams.
I'm interviewing for that job.
And guess what.
I'm gonna get it.
Hey.
I need to talk to you.
What did you mean earlier when you said that I was a bad wife? Well, let's do a little thought experiment.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
JODY: Please.
Let's say Ben wants to have Mexican food for dinner.
You want to have Japanese.
What do you do? Well, we probably both had really hard days, so why don't we eat dinner on our own and then meet up later at home to watch "90 Day Fiancé.
" Is that a television show you both enjoy? - No.
Just me.
- All right.
Let's try another one.
Ben's mother is coming to visit for two weeks.
He wants her to stay in your apartment.
- What do you say? - Oh, this one's easy.
We put her up at the Hyatt, we see her a couple times, take her to "Lion King," then bye, Carol.
Am I winning? What did I win? You've won nothing.
You've answered these questions very badly.
Oh.
I get it, Jody.
I'm a bad wife, because I'm not some meek Southern - cake-baking curtsy machine.
- JODY: No.
No.
No, Mindy.
All I'm saying is that in each instance, you prioritize your own comfort and independence over your relationship.
Oh, my God.
Jody, I think you're right.
Maybe I have been a little selfish.
That's the best quiz I've taken since "Which Hogwarts House Are You In?" - JODY: Thank you.
- I was a Dursley.
Thanks.
I wish I could have dinner with you, but that night I've got a date to Cirque du Soleil's new show "Perversia.
" How about next week? I'm dying to cook you my bisque.
I'm booked solid.
My organizer is practically bursting.
Someone's bounced back pretty quickly from his breakup.
You know that I'm his ex, right? No, I didn't.
If I'd known, I would have never said that.
I hate drama.
So if they start dating, will you go insane? Hey, Dr.
L, what do you think of the name Gabrielle? Ooh, Tamra, I really like it.
Yeah, I knew it was lame.
Delete, delete, delete.
- Okay.
- Hello, women colleagues.
Tomorrow night I would like to invite the female coworkers of our practice to join me for alcohol drinking and camaraderie in a bar.
- You mean a girls' night? - Mm-hmm.
But that's, like, for fun groups of best friends.
Like, a slut, a prude, a boss, and a mom who just needed a break.
Hey, I'm, like, three of those things.
Whatever.
I'm paying.
- I'm in.
- I'm in too.
My old ball and chain's in Philadelphia on a job interview.
Oh, my God.
We all know about the amazing job in Philly and now everybody want to move to Philly 'cause it's so bomb.
Fine.
I'll come to your girls' night.
Maybe I'll even wear a bra.
[jazzy music.]
WOMAN: Thank you for calling Penn Memorial Hospital.
Your call is very important to us.
But so are a lot other things.
Your estimated wait time is two days.
Days? What? Customer service.
[sighs.]
[hip-hop music.]
MAN: Motown Philly back again Doing a little East Coast swing Boys II Men going off Not too hard, not too soft [clears throat.]
My name is Morgan Tookers, and I am here to interview for the job opportunity.
No interview necessary.
Mop's in the corner.
Poop's in the hallway.
Poop? No.
I'm sorry.
I'm not a janitor.
Look at this suit.
Why are you here? We are very busy.
There was an Eagles game tonight.
We've had 25 gunshot wounds, and the Eagles won.
- Uh-uh.
- That's great.
'Cause this is exactly the kind of high stakes urban environment in which I will thrive.
In fact, I'm telling you right now, you're not gonna find someone more qualified to be the head nurse at this ER.
What? That's my job, and I ain't leaving.
My my friend Ben said he was applying for this job.
Well, I don't know anything about that.
Sounds like your friend is full of crap, just like our hallway.
Do you want the janitor's job or not? Yes, I want the janitor's job, okay? You seem amazing, and Philadelphia is super exotic.
- Why would Ben lie to Dr.
Lahiri? - Honey, I don't know your friends.
I'm gonna need you to leave.
Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Please keep that for your records, please.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm.
- Took me four hours.
Leo, I knew it's a little hard for you to answer, because I am your mommy, but how do I look? - Skinny, Mommy.
- Thank you.
And for giving me your totally honest opinion, you may have a graham cracker.
[phone buzzing.]
Ben? Hey.
How'd the interview go? Did you arch your back like I showed you? I don't think that works as well for guys.
Look, I've been thinking about it, and if you really want that job, I totally support you.
You can live in Philadelphia, we can take turns visiting each other.
I actually get hotter the further away I get from New York City.
And you'd be okay with that arrangement? I would be more than okay.
Good to know.
I'll see you when I get home.
Oh, I'm going out with the girls tonight after work, so I will see you after.
When I get home, I'm gonna be so drunk my Boston accent will probably come out.
It'll be wicked hot.
Go Sox! LEO: Mommy, you're so pretty.
[upbeat music.]
[hip-hop music.]
TAMRA: Anna, your dating history is whack.
I can't believe you've only been with three guys.
I have three dates lined up tonight in case this gets too boring.
I've killed more people than you've dated.
So you have lined up any dates at all? I was messaging with a guy online who I had lot in common with, but he turned out to just be a sentient computer.
Yeah, that lines up.
But when I finally do date a human man, won't it be weird in the office for Jeremy? No! Tamra and I have both broken up with guys at work, and it is fine.
Don't forget about me and Dr.
Shulman.
Anyway, she and Morgan are really close right now.
We're not that close.
I mean, sure, we have lunch together every day and I talk to him before I do something big, but outside of work, we only hang out, like, four, five times a week.
Hey, sister, Denial ain't just a member of One Direction.
MAN: Excuse me, ladies.
That gentlemen over there just sent these your way.
MINDY: Oh, he fine.
MAN: Oh, actually, stop.
These are all for her.
The gentleman didn't know what you liked, so he sent you over a whole assortment.
And it's up to you if you want to share with your I want to say bus driver friends? - Oh.
- Okay.
Oh, my God, Anna.
You hit pay dirt.
That guy is hot, and he's definitely rich because he could afford to send over four drinks.
Um, next steps.
Call him over.
Okay, I'll do it.
- Hey, blondie.
- [sighs.]
So even though I have my grandfather's trust fund, I feel lucky not to have to touch it because of the money I got from winning "The Amazing Race" with my gay brother.
Oh, my God, I remember that season.
He came out to you on the show.
It was the most surprising hot air balloon ride of my life.
Anna, you two have so much in common.
Financially, racially.
You don't see a lot of adult blond men.
- They tend to darken.
- Mm.
I don't know much about reality TV.
I prefer live theater.
My ex, Jeremy, actually has written several one-man shows Ow! I love the theater too.
Maybe I could take you sometime.
There's a new jukebox musical coming out based on the songs of Slipknot.
It's called "Barf Machine.
" Devin, thank you so much for the drink.
It was as intoxicating as the conversation.
Mildly.
But I just got out of a relationship, so I'm not really ready.
I understand.
But if you change your mind, here's my card.
I'd like to get to know you.
- Oh! - [gagging.]
Oh, my God! [gagging.]
I apologize.
I okay.
- Wow! - Anna.
I have never in my life been banned from a bar because of someone else's bad behavior.
What the hell, Anna? I'm sorry.
I told you I was awkward with men.
Awkward would be Zooey Deschanel playing a jazz standard on the ukulele.
You crushed a man's windpipe.
I'm sorry.
I just miss Jeremy, and whenever anybody else touches me, I have a bit of a violent reaction.
It was a little dramatic.
- Boop.
- Oh! - Oh, my God.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay.
She's not being dramatic.
- It's real.
- Sorry.
That's the tenth time you've brought up Jeremy.
Whoever he is, you must really love him.
Oh, God.
Maybe I do love him.
Maybe I don't need to date other people.
I just want Jeremy.
He was the one.
He was in front of me the whole time.
And I just took him for granted.
Okay, okay, you've been single for, like, two days.
Why don't you wait a little longer? The NYU freshmen show up next week.
- Aren't you married? - Yeah, but that's not like fun.
That's not like hanging out with girlfriends and going to bars.
That's very disturbing, and you should examine your relationship.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me.
I have to leave.
Oh, man.
Anna's hotness was gonna get us into the club.
Well, at least we have you, Tamra.
You know what, I should actually head home too.
I got to get up really early tomorrow.
I'm, uh, I'm cohosting "The Today Show," so I got to go over my questions for Rex Tillerson.
Wait, Tam! No.
All right, Bev.
It's just you and me.
Want to use your senior discount at the diner? Sure don't.
Bye! MINDY: Hey, Graciela, my favorite nanny.
Quick Spanish question: the other day Leo called me "estupido.
" What does that mean anyway? Does it mean, like, fashionable? - MORGAN: Hello.
- God.
Leo's asleep.
I sent Graciela home.
And I broke your toilet.
Morgan.
What are you doing here? I have to tell you something.
I went to Philadelphia to try to steal the nurse's job from Ben.
- But I didn't get it.
- Yeah, of course not, because Ben locked that down.
Did you see how much gel he had in his hair? He looked like a Russian hitman.
I didn't get it and neither did Ben.
'Cause there was no job.
Ben lied to you.
If you makes you feel better, I did not lie to you about breaking your toilet.
There was no toilet paper so I used a wash cloth.
But if there's no job, why did he go to Philadelphia? Oh, no.
Do you think he has another wife there? I hate to say it, but yeah, I do.
- [door unlocks.]
- Oh, my God.
Morgan, go.
Hide, hide.
[dramatic music.]
[clears throat.]
Oh, hello, Ben.
How was Philadelphia? I would ask if you had a chance to run up the Rambo stairs, but I'm sure you were too busy interviewing for your cool new job.
Mindy, I didn't go to Philadelphia.
There was no nursing job.
I lied.
[Morgan imitates buzzer.]
Morgan.
Game over, dude.
You're done.
You didn't go to Philadelphia.
There was no nurse's job.
You lied.
Morgan, Ben just confessed.
- MORGAN: Just now? - MINDY: Yeah.
I couldn't hear in the curtain.
Okay, well, you know what, Morgan, I think you should go.
Ben and I need to talk in private.
All right.
I'll be in your bedroom.
Or maybe you could just go to your own home.
I'll be in your bed.
MAN: Coming! Oof.
Anna.
Uh What are you doing here? Are you okay? I'm not okay, and not because a Postmate ran over me with his bicycle.
Jeremy, I think I might have made a horrible mistake.
Jeremy? Is our dinner here? Because we burnt a lot of calories with our sex making.
Why you have tire tracks over you? Just give us a second, Slutvana.
Okay.
I'm just gonna go cool my naked body with some freezer air.
[chuckles.]
Mm.
I'm sorry you had to see that.
No big deal.
I liked meeting her.
She seemed smart and fun.
Before you interrupted, you were saying something about a mistake.
Yes, I was mistaken when I said I did not want the Queen Victoria bust.
She has a great deal of sentimental value, and I would like her back.
Okay.
Now? - Yes.
- Okay.
Ooh.
Are you sure, Anna? She's quite heavy.
Oh, I am stronger than you'll ever know.
Son of a bitch! Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Got it.
- I'm fine.
That's dense.
That's denser than I Thought.
That's I'm okay.
- Good evening.
- Good-bye, ladies.
Why would you make up a fake job in some made-up state? Pennsylvania is a real state, and I made it up to see how you'd react.
Dr.
Witsel asked us how we would deal with a real challenge in our relationship, so I gave us a real challenge.
- And? - And we failed.
How is this a failure? I have been so supportive of you.
It's a failure because you don't want to be with me.
What? Why else would I have married you if I don't want to be with you? Honestly? I think you married me because you love the idea of marriage.
You think I'm a good guy who's good to your son and you love my daughter, and you thought maybe one day you would grow to love me.
What was I supposed to do? Tell you not to go for your dream job? That's what Danny did to me, and that's what ruined our relationship.
Mindy, that is not our issue.
Did you really have no problem living in separate cities for the foreseeable future? [sighs.]
Well, this next part shouldn't be too hard for you.
What are you saying? Mindy, you don't want to be married to me.
I think we should get a divorce.
Okay.
Wow.
That was really fast.
Ben, I am sorry.
I don't know why this isn't working, and I wish I could feel the way that I am supposed to feel, but I just don't.
Good-bye.
I'm so sorry.
Thanks, Morgan.
You hear all that? What? No, I broke your shower.
I'm so sorry.
[towel falls.]
[exhales sharply.]
Tamra, what are you doing here? Are you dating my neighbor, Mr.
Slavos? That makes sense.
He's amazing at checkers.
No, I was just in the neighborhood, so I figured I'd drop in.
How was Philadelphia? Philadelphia was the worst.
Someone stole my magazine on the bus, and I made the crack in the Liberty Bell bigger.
And Ben was lying about the job the entire time, and then an Eagles fan stabbed me, and then I witness the destruction of my best friend's marriage.
So this means you're not moving to Philadelphia? No, I can't.
I can't move the dogs in the middle of the school year.
[dogs barking.]
- TAMRA: Ow! - MORGAN: Down, down, down! [dogs continue barking.]
Pamela, can you book a pedicure for me this weekend? And I don't want the man.
[knock on door.]
You don't need to come in here.
I just I don't want Doug.
Hey, Cliff.
Guess who needs a divorce attorney.
Oh, dear God.
Go to bed.