The Neighborhood (2018) s06e02 Episode Script

1
♪
Come on, Calvin, j-just relax, baby.
How can I relax?
Our son may have gotten
a woman pregnant,
and he's not even married.
How are we gonna look
our pastor in the eye?
We?
You haven't looked him in
the eye since last Easter.
No! Somebody's using the bathroom.
I'm s I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
But, please, go away.
So, do you see anything yet?
Not yet.
Okay, just so you know,
whatever happens, I will support you.
Why would you need to
support me if it's negative?
I don't know, girl. I ain't
never done this before!
Ow!
Why are you freaking out?
I'm the one who might have another
human growing inside me.
And I already prepaid a trip
to Cancún this summer.
I mean, I have travel insurance,
but I don't think it covers
unprotected sex!
Ooh.
- Ooh, is hot?
- Right?!
It's hot in here!
I always thought
when I had my first kid,
I-I'd have a house, a dog, a wife,
my own drone racing team.
(TEST BEEPING)
Oh, that's the pee stick.
Okay.
Oh.
Two pink lines.
(CHEERING)
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
I can't believe my sweet,
little, innocent baby boy
is gonna be a father.
I know, Mommy.
I can't believe it, either.
If you had told me one of our sons
would have had an oops baby,
I would have guessed it'd be Malcolm.
Uh, yeah, okay, sure, lash out at me.
I didn't raise that little rawdogger.
- You know what?
- No, no, no, no.
Calvin, Calvin, Calvin, stop it.
You just shut up.
Ignore him, Marty.
Look, Mommy knows
that you're going through a
lot of feelings right now,
but we're running out of time,
so we got to pin down a wedding date.
Wedding?
Mom, I told you, we're not
even in a relationship.
What does that have to do with anything?
Okay, look, go easy on him, Ma.
It's been a rough day
for lil' Nick Cannon.
Hey, neighbors. How are we doing?
We brought champagne and vodka.
Depending on whether we're celebrating
or, uh, freaking out.
Grandma could use some
of that bubbly, baby.
- Thank you.
- Mom, really?
I'm sorry, I'm just excited that
I'm getting a little granddaughter.
You already know the sex?
Well, not officially, but she's
definitely having a girl.
She's carrying high.
- She's not even showing.
- Not to you.
Look, it doesn't even matter.
The important thing
is I'm getting a baby.
I'm-I'm having a baby.
Courtney is having my baby.
You know what I mean!
I-I'm, I'm sorry, did, uh,
did you say Courtney?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So Courtney, who works at the Fusebox,
is the, uh baby mama?
Can Dave say "baby mama"?
It's not racist.
But I don't like it.
Yeah, man, why do you ask?
No reason. (CHUCKLES) It's nothing.
Hold on.
Because the way you're saying it
doesn't sound like nothing.
It's just my HR experience talking.
Theoretically, Courtney could
sue the Fusebox for everything.
But that's only in theory and
only if she's the type of person
who wants a ton of money.
Well, that's everybody, Dave.
- Marty, what were you thinking?
- It was a one-time thing
and it happened before Courtney
even worked at the Fusebox.
I'm not like Malcolm, sleeping
with my colleagues at work.
What?! Okay, okay.
Yeah, see, he always does this.
Deflects onto me when he screws up.
Just like when we were teenagers
and you dented Mama's car
and screamed, "Uh, Malcolm's
got a bong in his room."
My God, the smell from that thing.
By the way, Mama, he's still
got that bong in his room.
Malcolm! I told you to get rid of that!
Marty got a girl pregnant, Mom!
Okay, you better watch your tongue.
(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)
Dave, are you listening to this?
Bongs and car wrecks and pregnancies.
Is this what we have to look
forward to with Grover?
Oh, oh, God, no.
No, we're gonna do a much
better job as parents.
No offense, Calvin.
I'll do it. Get out, Dave.
Ooh, Gemma, I have great news.
New episode of our show just dropped.
Ooh, a new Blood Tide?
I love murder.
You know, I have a theory.
The body in the shrimp
boat, I think it's Don.
You know, we only saw his shoes.
And we know Don loves leather.
Oh, right, and he has a
shellfish allergy, too.
My theory is even
smarter than I thought.
I'm gonna go nuke the Hot Pockets.
You get the TV on the right input.
I can never figure that out.
What-what, now?
I can't watch it now.
But it's already been out for an hour.
I won't be able to go on social media.
Gemma, don't do this to me.
I have that board of trustees
meeting at school.
Oh, of course, yeah,
I suppose that's more important.
(KNOCKING)
Hey, guys. Am I interrupting anything?
- Yes, Malcolm, actually, you are.
- Well, that's great.
I'll only be one second.
Thank you, Dave.
Listen, I just needed some clarification
on the whole dating Janelle situation.
I know that we work together,
but it's not like Janelle works
for me, so I'm in the clear.
- Right?
- Well, you both work at USC,
so I don't know.
Have you officially disclosed
your relationship?
Uh, I mean, well, we do make
out in the hallway sometimes,
so I feel like it's kind of out there.
In the hallway?
You got to move that
stuff into your office.
Right, Dave?
(STAMMERS)
You probably just need to file
some sort of relationship
disclosure form.
But that'll make it so formal, man.
Look, right now it is great, okay?
I don't text her in the
morning, no problem.
But once I put that label
on it and don't text her,
then we got beef.
Well, if you want to keep your job,
you may have to eat the beef.
J-Just sign the form!
- Yes. Thank you, Dave.
- All right.
- I'll walk out with you.
- All right.
Great, I'll just be here alone
without the television
or Hot Pockets.
(SIGHS)
Guess it won't hurt
just to watch the recap.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ON TV)
NARRATOR: Previously on Blood Tide
"Pursuant to section
seven of the agreement,
"all parties agree to indemnify
in perpetuity the Fusebox
"and all legal ownership partners
"from any legal action resulting
from interactions that occurred in
or outside the aforementioned business."
See? Simple.
No! No, what does that even mean?
I don't know, Marty.
I just told our lawyers
you got freaky with an employee.
He said get her to sign that.
Since when do relationships
come with so much paperwork?
I got the same thing here with Janelle.
You two do know there's a thing
called "meeting a woman
in a bar," right?
Don, don't eat that.
The ceviche has shrimp in it.
You'll go into anaphylactic sho
And Nicole emptied your EpiPen.
Dad, can you keep it down?
Oh, sorry, buddy.
You doing your homework?
Sure.
Isn't this the-the show
you watch with Mom?
This show? Uh
(LAUGHS) Yeah, but
this is just a preview.
It says you've watched 37 minutes.
Well, it's a, it's a long preview.
(STAMMERS)
But you know what? (CHUCKLES)
You don't have to tell Mom about this.
You're right.
I don't have to tell her.
But lying is wrong.
You just lied about doing your homework.
Right, and-and two lies would be a lot.
Y-You want me to go to
heaven, don't you, Dad?
Cut the crap, kid. What do you want?
I want to bump my curfew to midnight.
And get a pet snake.
No way.
10:00 and a hamster.
10:30 and a lizard.
Deal.
Hey, hey, hey.
Uh-oh.
The hitting coach is here to hit on me.
(BOTH LAUGH)
No. No, no, no. Um
You know, I was talking to
Dave, and, uh, you know,
he knows a whole lot of
that, uh, HR stuff, right?
And he was thinking that we
need to register our situation
with the university.
And by situation, you mean?
(STAMMERS) This, this thing.
How-how we are, to
you know, uh, together.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think the word you're
looking for is "relationship."
Ooh-ooh.
I was gonna go with the word "vibe."
Yeah.
But yeah, I mean, we can
go with "relationship," yeah.
But-but I don't want you to think
I'm trying to push that issue, okay?
It is not me.
This is coming from the top.
- Oh, "the top"?
- Yeah.
Wow. Yikes!
We don't want to mess with the top.
Okay, okay, all right, listen.
I'm trying to make sure we
don't lose our jobs over this
you know
- This vibe?
- Yes.
- You get it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-uh.
- Mm-mm.
Not till we sign.
Huh?
The top could be watching.
You're worried I'm going to sue you?
Me? No, no, not at all.
Uh, my dad, quite a bit, yes.
Well, you know what,
tell your dad not to worry,
I'm not after his precious money.
Thank you.
Thank you for being so chill about this.
Hey, thank you.
This really helps me make my decision.
Oh, good.
Uh, what decision is that?
You know, this pregnancy
really caught me off guard,
and I didn't know what to do.
Oh, a-about having the baby?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I'm having this baby.
I just didn't know how I
was going to raise a baby
so far from my family.
But now, seeing how you and
your family are tripping,
I realize I'm better
off going back home.
- (STAMMERS) To Calgary?
- Yes.
But that's in Canada. (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Yeah, I'm aware.
And I had no intention
of going back there,
but in Calgary, me and my baby
will be surrounded by my family,
who will be supportive.
Unlike your family, who
thinks I'm a gold digger.
No. No, not-not my whole family.
Just my dad. A-And my neighbor Dave.
Ooh! I'm so nervous
about what's gonna happen
on tonight's new episode.
I don't know how you can eat.
Well, I had a light lunch, Gemma.
My being hungry is perfectly normal.
- Okay, start it. Start it.
- Okay, here we go.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV)
Ugh!
What do you think's gonna happen?
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Well, it's
it's hard to say, really.
Oh, my God, that's hot.
- Hot
- (SHUSHES)
- (GRUNTS)
- (SHUSHES)
- The Hot Pocket's hot.
- (SHUSHES)
I can't hear what the fishing
boat captain is saying.
- It's not important.
- How do you know?
Uh, I I don't I don't.
I don't know. How-how would I?
- I don't know anything about this episode.
- Oh
You know, maybe it was important.
Do you want to go back?
I should go back.
- I think we should go back.
- No, y-you're still talking,
so now we have to go back.
(TV STOPS)
(EXHALES)
I have something to confess.
Something horrible.
What?
Oh, man.
This is gonna be rough.
(PHONE RINGING)
You know what? Let me get that first.
Wha uh, you better not.
It says "spam likely."
Well, it doesn't say "spam definitely,"
- so let me just answer it.
- No, Dave
Spit it out. What did you do?
- What did you do?
- I watched the episode last night,
without you.
This was our show,
and I violated your trust.
It's okay.
No, it's not.
I deserve to be dead.
Just like Don.
Spoilers!
I'm sorry.
God, I'm sorry. God, I'm a monster.
Just like Nicole who emptied the EpiPen.
Dave!
(SIGHS)
I don't deserve you.
God, I hate that I'm so weak.
Dave, stop.
To be honest, I'm a little relieved.
I've been trying to find the
right time to tell you this.
You know how, for months
now, you've been saying
we should finally watch
the Barbie movie,
and I kept saying, "Not tonight"?
That's because
I saw the movie without you.
You what?
Tina and I snuck off to a
matinee. I'm-I'm sorry.
Sorry's not gonna cut it, Gemma!
You know how badly I wanted
to see the Barbie movie.
All of my blog followers have been
waiting to hear my hot take.
I-If it makes you feel any better,
you wouldn't have liked it anyway.
- No? It was not good?
- No, you would have loved it.
- It was so good.
- I-I know I would have loved it!
That's what everybody says.
♪
Well. Courtney signed the agreement.
I hope you're happy.
Well, all right, I am happy.
Dad, she wasn't gonna sue us,
but she was upset that we
thought she was a gold digger.
I never would have called her that.
I'm not rude.
I just thought she was somebody
trying to stick me for my paper.
Well, your paper's safe now, Dad,
because Courtney's
moving back to Canada.
What-what? Wait, what?
She's taking my baby to Canada?
No, no, no, that-that's too far.
That's-that's too cold.
That's too white.
Look, baby, there-there
are Black people in Canada.
- Name two.
- (STAMMERS) Drake,
and, uh, Courtney's mom.
I hope you're happy, Calvin.
- He is.
- N-No, I am not.
Baby, we can
Look, Courtney and I hadn't figured out
how we were gonna raise
this baby together.
All I knew is I wanted them
to be a part of my life.
Now I'm losing my friend and my baby.
(GROANS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Damn.
I really blew it this time, huh?
Yes, you did.
And if you don't fix it,
you better get your passport
and your puffy coat, Grandpa,
'cause we're moving to Canada.
♪
Number 96.
(LAUGHS): Oh! That's me.
(SIGHS)
This requires both
signatories to be present.
Well, you see, uh, that's the thing.
The other signatory, she's, uh,
she's not here yet. (CHUCKLES)
Number 97.
Whoa, wait a minute, man.
Hey Whoa, no, no, sit down.
Sit-sit down.
Look, man, she should be
here any second, okay?
She had a tennis match
at, uh, a-at 8:30,
and, uh, maybe, maybe she got caught
in one of those long deuce situations.
That can happen.
It can go long. Or, uh
maybe she's not gonna show.
Oh, damn, do you think
maybe she got cold feet
from all the relationship talk?
Are you this needy with
the other signatory?
- Malcolm.
- Hey. You came.
You see? That's her.
Sorry I'm late.
I sprained my ankle
going for a drop shot.
Take good care of her.
I will.
Thank you, sir.
Do you, Malcolm Butler,
attest that the statements
written here are true?
I do.
And do you, Janelle Finch,
attest that the statements
written here are true?
I do.
Your relationship
disclosure is approved.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
(APPLAUSE)
Number 97.
♪
Okay, baby.
Now, you sure you don't need my help?
Yes. Look, I caused all
this. I need to fix it.
Okay, well, if it's not working,
just give me the signal
and I'll come in with the tears.
You know nobody can resist
my ugly cry. (CRIES)
Oh, okay, ooh, ooh, all right.
Okay, all right, all right, okay.
Let's hope it doesn't come to that.
(QUIETLY): Okay, come on.
Hey, Courtney?
Don't worry, I'm out of here.
I'm just packing up my things.
Oh, well, you're taking
quite a few pens.
(STAMMERS) Keep the pens. Keep the pens.
Listen, uh, c-can I talk
to you for a second?
Ah, are those some more papers
that you want me to sign?
Uh, no. These are the
ones you already signed.
And, um
What are you doing?
Look, Courtney, I was an idiot.
I just was thinking
about losing all of this,
and I forgot about what
was really important.
What's that?
Family.
My family. And it's growing now.
I mean, it includes your baby.
And in a weird way, you.
He's trying to say, "We love you."
Oh, go ahead, baby.
You got it, you got it.
So
I really, really hope you
change your mind and stay.
I know Marty does, too.
I promise you, y-you won't be sorry.
Well, I admit, I didn't
really want to go back.
Don't go back. Don't go back.
Stay here and have the baby.
Look, we got snacks.
We got snacks, right here.
Wait, w-what's your company's
maternity leave policy?
- Oh, well, usually
- Whatever you want.
Right, Calvin?
Yeah. Yeah, right.
Uh cool, yeah. For sure.
- Yep, yep.
- Mm-hmm.
You got a deal.
- Oh, thank God.
- All right. All right, very good.
But I'm-a need that in writing.
(LAUGHS)
Nice one.
The comeback, you know,
- because I did the contract
- She's not laughing, Calvin.
Well, damn.
Dad, what are you doing, man?
Haven't you caused enough damage?
No, no, Marty.
Uh, look, I apologized,
and she's staying.
You are?
Yeah.
It's pretty hard to pass up a
ten-month maternity leave.
Ah. Take a year.
I got my grandbaby.
(CRYING): I got my grandbaby.
Do I have to wear this headband?
It's fun, baby. It's part of
the whole Barbie thing.
I just feel like I look stupid.
Hot Pocket up.
No, okay, I'm good.
Hey, Dave.
(GASPS) Oh, you look great.
Could you guys believe that I
already owned all this stuff?
BOTH: Yeah, we can.
(SNORTS) Watch your fingers, Tina.
We're not at our house.
What are you talking about, Calvin?
I'm not saying that I lost my lizard,
but have any of you seen a lizard?
(ALL SCREAMING)