The Office (US) s06e02 Episode Script

- You wanted to see me? - Yes, Oscar, come on in.
Close the door, if you would.
Thanks so much for talking to me.
Yeah, sure.
I'm going in for a procedure today.
Is everything okay? It's routine.
I'm just a little bit scared.
I'm sure everything will be fine.
What's the procedure, if you don't mind my asking? It is a colonoscopy.
In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr.
Chaudry? My main concern is should I have a safe word? Collioure mpm Jarick do_Ob Sk0r yomoy The Ni.
Knight Episode 6x02 The Meeting You think you can get me a rundown on the Buffalo clients by Monday? You know what? I'll do you one better.
Sunday, Sunday night.
Okay, I will get it Monday.
Hold on, big guy.
.
You'll get it Wednesday.
Jim, you want to hit the conference room? Good luck.
Right, this thing.
I remember now.
- What's this about? me and David, if it's okay.
That's okay with me, he's gonna want me in.
It's okay.
We got it.
Really? Do you mind if I sit this out? , I'm gonna blow my brains out.
Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? Because we are the Three Amigos.
And once in a while, one of the amigos will go off to the bathroom while the other two have a secret meeting.
Let me escort you to your desk.
It's just three or four steps, but thank you.
You and Jim are close, huh? I think the pregnancy really brought us together.
What do you think he and David are talking about? - I don't know.
.
Did I? Doesn't sound like me.
I'm not very superstitious.
If you're lying to me right now, your baby is gonna come out a liar.
That's how it works.
They inherit things through the breast milk.
Please don't talk about my breast milk.
I just don't want you to lie to me.
I don't want you to ever lie to me.
Have I ever lied to you? I just don't want you to.
I was rushing to fill an order.
I put the ladder up to grab a box of three-hole from the top shelf.
Next thing I know, I'm on the ground, ladder's on top of me.
And that's how you broke your ankle? Interesting.
How did the ladder end up on top of you if you fell off of it? This doesn't concern you.
You need to walk away.
Really? I'm sorry.
I thought this was a free country.
I didn't know we were in communist Sweden.
, 'cause we'd have universal health care.
- Be quiet.
- I'm talking I will send this off to corporate, hold on to your medical bills.
Feel better.
Thanks, T-man.
Later.
So long, Darryl.
Feel better.
He's lying.
He has a doctor's note.
From who, Dr.
J? You really need to investigate this.
People don't just fall off of ladders.
painting his house.
It was on the news.
Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake? "Y'all having birthday cake?" That's not a very good Darryl.
How many foremen do you know that pull boxes? It just doesn't add up.
We did a little investigation, and Dwight had a good point.
The ladder didn't reach the top shelf.
I don't know if I believe it, but I am a fan of the hardboiled detective novel.
"I'll punch you into mush, see?" Well, if he doesn't like it, you can tell that S.
O.
B.
that he is fired.
.
I will I love you too.
Bye.
- Who was that? - Sorry about that.
What'd I miss? We would like to continue this meeting in private, - please, if you don't mind.
- I do not mind.
Yes, I do.
No, I don't.
Yes, I do.
.
on the flippity-flop.
This call waiting.
You tell the mayor he just lost six votes.
They've been in there a while.
Can't be good.
Think they're talking about me? No, I think they're talking about me.
That makes way more sense.
Okay, thanks, boss.
What is Jim telling him? That I can't handle this job? That is bull crap.
Although it has been chaotic lately.
Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch, which left us to absorb all of their clients.
I will tell you, there has been work every day.
Had to come in on a Saturday to retrieve I left my cell phone here.
So jealous of your boobs.
I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to the wedding, which is totally understandable, and more than fine.
Is Ryan going? I don't know, he hasn't RSVPed yet.
We invited everyone in the office to our wedding, even though we realized most people wouldn't be able to make the drive to Niagara Falls.
Which is why we're having it in Niagara Falls.
Then Michael told everyone they could have Friday and Monday off if they came.
So now people have to decide if they want to come to our wedding or have to work.
Here's the deal.
I really want to go.
But I'm not gonna go if Ryan doesn't go, because it's kind of a waste of time.
That came out wrong.
get him to go, for Jim.
What can I do for you, hoss? - How are your sales doing? - How are my sales doing? Busted.
My numbers are down.
A little bit.
It's 'cause of the economy.
You're not buying it.
You're good.
Okay, the truth is I have been having trouble focusing lately.
I'm in this weird, flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine.
And it's a total mind f'er.
Again with the cousin.
I'm sorry, Phyllis.
You explain this email, okay? "Hey, Andy, let's go visit grandma "and then get drunk together.
" I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in that room.
Wallace had to show up on the one four-month period that I'm completely overwhelmed.
You know when they say it's so crazy it just might work? I don't believe that.
I say go for the airtight plan.
And that is why I am having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside a makeshift cheese cart.
It is just elegant.
- Be my eyes.
- You got it.
What have we here? Just backing up and turning around.
We're gonna do this That's not for you.
Pardonnez-moi, monsieur.
I took the liberty of preparing for you a cheese platter, which I will place here on the eastern wall of the conference room.
- Cheese platter? - Oui, oui, monsieur.
From the Wisconsin region, a nice, firm cheddar.
Also from the great city of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan.
Here you will find a cheddar-style spread, which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind, which I think you'll find both challenging and delicious.
At that point, I would recommend you take a quick trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois, where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing.
If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the goldfish take a little swim in the blue cheese.
Bon appétit.
I should go.
Thanks for this.
You've given me a lot to think about.
Promise me you won't do anything until we speak.
I won't.
- Thanks for taking the time.
- Appreciate it.
Thank you, Jim.
- Erin, is Michael around? - I think he's around here.
You must have walked right past me.
How you doing? ? - Yes, definitely.
It sounds like a EMD P40.
That's a GE.
The P40 is much higher pitched.
- You're into trains? - I've been my whole life.
I'm rebuilding a turn-of-the-century steam engine in my slaughterhouse.
That's so cool.
.
slaughterhouse, but, sure, any time.
You know, 'cause of the trains.
- Someone's coming.
- Boy.
It's Darryl! Get down! He's not using crutches! Get the camera.
Start taping.
- Drive! - Worker's comp my ass! I can't believe this.
You asshole! You gonna eat all that dog food yourself? Man! You OK? I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to my wedding.
Yeah, I might stop by.
It costs about $75 per person.
I once had a glass of cognac that cost $77, so Can you just tell me now if you're coming or not? .
- Ryan Howard yes? - Probably yes.
Kelly Kapoor yes.
Are you sure you're okay with these new responsibilities? - Look who you're talking to.
- Just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone's talents.
I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman or child .
- And what about Jim? ready to move into a management position? - Permission to speak on the record.
- Please, do.
Jim is like Big Bird.
He is tall and yellow and very nice.
But when I put him in charge, no.
I don't think so.
Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions.
If I was going to put someone in charge, I would put Bert in charge.
Or I would put , like Maria.
- Or Gordon, maybe.
- I thought you liked Jim.
Very much.
Jim is my best friend.
But Here's his performance report.
Right here.
Now, this was written by Toby.
Who we all know is extremely reliable.
"Constant office distraction.
"Spends way too much time at reception.
"Antagonizes other salesmen.
Not at all what he thinks he is.
" It's not very well written.
But you get the gist.
Is there anybody else could run the day-to-day of the branch? I could continue to run it myself, that's Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra workload.
And it involved you being promoted to oversee.
All Northeast sales.
And then Jim would be promoted to your position.
This was Jim's idea? I'd have to talk to my mother and my guy at H&R block.
Here's the thing, though.
The plan doesn't work unless we have someone to replace you.
I was hoping Plus, we have to worry about Jim.
He has another job offer.
We may have to replace him.
I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help.
Example: he handed out jell-o shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown Marathon.
? - Sure.
I can't help but feel partially responsible.
Little pick-me-up.
Those are the best.
Sugar rush.
talking to Wallace, did I come up at all? We did talk about how handsome you are.
? What did we We said I know there were certain things we said.
I'll just be honest with you.
Earlier today, I spoke with Wallace about a promotion.
And I actually think that talk went really well.
Then after he spoke with you, for some reason, it felt like things had changed.
That's weird.
That's weird.
Kind of weirding me out.
Did you know that Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy? Did you say anything? Tell you what, when you leave this office, tell him that you should get that promotion.
Really? You will? Wanna do it right now? I tried to keep Michael in the dark.
I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark.
I need to see your pupils.
See if they're dilating.
Is that them? Definitely.
You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, Call my baby sister an asshole and told her to eat dog food? We thought that she was you.
Why would you think a lady is me? Are you serious? Because you look exactly alike.
Am I the only one? Are you getting this? - I don't see it.
- Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm calling corporate and I'm filing a complaint against both of you.
Come on, Gwyneth.
Sad.
This is David.
David, this is Michael Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert.
I understand that he did not receive that promotion.
And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction.
You're changing your mind about Jim? Absolutely not! Like I said before, Jim is fantastic, and he deserves this job.
It seems like you're cutting in and out.
This is not what you said earlier.
Here's the thing.
Jim is the best man for this job.
I think you should give it to him.
It doesn't change what you showed me in Jim's file.
That was an anomaly.
That file had been falsified.
Toby Flenderson is doing drugs.
I really don't know what's going on down there.
Damn it! I'm getting pulled over for talking on my cell.
Damn it.
Darryl, look, we're here to apologize.
- We're cool.
- Wait.
They're using the lift as their own personal elevator.
He broke his ankle climbing over the railing, he lied about it 'cause it was a misuse of company equipment.
- Case closed.
.
Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Let's just check the security tapes.
I don't think there's any reason to check 'em.
But I supposed if you wanted to be really certain All right.
Fine, so whatever.
You really did it.
Now I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form.
I'm telling them you sexually harassed my sister.
No judges gonna believe that.
We could all file complaints against each other, and just drown in a sea of paperwork.
But, we'll just move on with our with our lives.
So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that they would both file complaints with corporate, and now I got to do all this paperwork.
We worked it out.
if you would punch me in the face.
All right? Just do it.
How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job? I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you.
And I don't want to lose Pam.
Now I don't want to lose the baby.
Instead, you screwed me? That's what she said.
- David Wallace is calling.
- I'm in the middle of something.
- Should I tell him you'll call back? - I'll tell him myself.
Let's both.
- You got Jim there with you? - No, it's just us.
Can you call Jim in? I want him on this.
Please.
Here he is right now.
Come in.
So I spoke to Alan.
We had kind of an unconventional idea, which I think is pretty cool.
But it only works if everyone's on board.
Just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager.
We were thinking of having two branch managers in Scranton, Both of you guys working as co-managers.
Jim would handle the day-to-day, and, Michael, you would focus on clients and big picture stuff.
- That sounds pretty cool.
- I like that! So manager and co-manager.
Co-manager and co-manager.
There are a lot of moving pieces, .
because they know me as manager.
Michael, can you pick up for one second? Okay, look, I'm not gonna force you into anything.
If you're willing to lose Jim, fine.
You just say so.
We'll find another solution.
Is that what you want to do? - OK, people, listen up! - Everybody I have an announcement to make.
Fraud was committed You have an announcement? - I was making it.
Everybody, David Wallace and I've talked, And we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager.
- Co-manager of what? - Of your butt! And your butt, and your butt All of Scranton branch butts.
- What's happening to you, Michael? - What's happening to me? I am also being promoted to co-manager.
We will be co-managers together.
Welcome.
Niagara falls in October? Hells yeah! Do you think that you could send in your RSVP card? I'll just tell you now.
Easier.
You've to choose a food option, and there's information in there about directions and lodging.
I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs, I'll get the other information the day of.
I'll text you.
You're going to text me the morning of my wedding to ask for directions? And you will eat whatever is fanciest? Unless there's ribs.
Rude.
So rude, right? My gosh.
I have been chasing people down all day.
- It's incredible.
My bag was there.