The Two Ronnies (1971) s06e02 Episode Script
Series 6, Episode 2
1 (Applause) Good evening.
It's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
And in a packed programme tonight we shall have excerpts from four new BBC classic serials - What Katy Did, What Katy Did Next, Who Did What To Katy and Son Of Katy.
(Laughter) And we'll have film of the Knaresborough dustman who got married this morning.
This afternoon he carried his happy bride over the threshold but, through force of habit, dropped bits of her along the garden path.
(Laughter) After that, we present the massed mounted bands of the Household Cavalry, closely followed by the massed buckets of the Rhubarb Growers Association.
(Laughter) But first, the news.
British Rail has introduced a new passenger service.
It offers you breakfast in Aberdeen, lunch in Newcastle, dinner in London and your luggage in Birmingham.
(Laughter) Mr Zachariah Mole, the world's untidiest man, died today.
His body is now lying in a state.
(Laughter) Thisthis week is This week is Accident Prevention Week at Aldershot and already, 3OO army wives have signed an undertaking to have a guard in front of the fire.
(Laughter) Meanwhile, the search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon-slicer goes on.
(Laughter) Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.
(Laughter) (Applause ) The record company who recently issued Rod McEwan's Greatest Hits without a hole in the middle today offered the following advice to buyers - take a Polo mint and, using it as a template, bore a hole through the centre of the record.
For even better results, play the Polo mint.
(Laughter) Finally, in Mere, Wiltshire, a Great Dane has been crossed with a bicycle pump to produce a dog that really puts the wind up postmen.
(Laughter) (Applause ) Now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Barker, whose hit single this week shot up to number 36 in the Irish Top 2O.
(Laughter) ( # Easy listening) Hello, there.
I er I saw you standing over here all on your own.
I thought I'd just come over and make fun of you.
Well, you have got a problem, haven't you, what? You're the life and soul of the party, aren't you? I bet you're a right old little box of fireworks when you get going.
- I'm sorry? - Ooh, dear! Oh, I say.
Oh, we're getting vicious now, are we? Oh, dear.
Vicious.
You're not one of these Hell's Angels people? Come to frighten us with your flick-knives and your razorblades and your copies of Woman's Own, are you? No, you're probably not, no.
I should think you're one of those obnoxious people who gatecrashes parties just to pick fights with the bouncers.
I have not gate-crashed, I beg your pardon.
I have an invitation.
We both have.
- Oh, you're married, are you? - Yes.
Oh, dear.
Your poor old wife.
She's scraping the bottom of the barrel with you, isn't she, what? I'll thank you not to talk about my dear wife like that.
She is a very warm-hearted and generous person.
I'll have you know she gave me extra pocket money last week.
- There aren't many women about like that.
- No.
Thank God.
She sounds a right old dragon to me.
Ho! Fancy being stuck indoors all day with her.
Oh, no, she lets me out every day to go to work, you know.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
Now, don't tell me what you do.
You're an accountant, aren't you? No, no, much too boring for me.
I require something more exciting, more stimulating.
I may not look it but underneath, I can tell you, I am a proper little firebrand, I can tell you that.
Oh, are you really? What do you do, then? What are you? A pork-butcher in Golder's Green or what? - I'm a banker! - Oh, I say.
I say.
Oh, a banker.
Oh, how exciting.
Gee whiz, baby.
Fan my flies.
You must be a right little tearaway, mustn't you? You probably only came here because you thought it was going to be an orgy.
- Certainly not.
- No.
I should think your idea of an orgy is a 1952 copy of Playboy, isn't it? With all the good bits ripped out.
- What's your name, by the way? - Gavin.
Gavin? I'd say that must be the most exciting thing about you, isn't it, Gavin? Oh, God, Gavin.
I can just imagine your parents lying there in the dark and thinking that one up.
They must be a right old pair.
Talking of right old pairs, who made your teeth for you? A monumental mason? Or did you cut them out of orange pee.
Are you er Are you trying to make a fool of me? Good heavens, no.
No, no.
I think you're managing very well on your own.
- Is your wife here, by the way? - Yes, she's over there, talking to your wife.
My husband's a millionaire.
- What's yours? - A little rat.
- Is he here? - Yes, he's over there, talking to your husband.
And it's time he was going home.
He's beginning to enjoy himself.
Come on.
Out! Bedtime.
You haven't said a word to me all evening.
Off hob-nobbing with your male friends half the night, me standing here like a lemon! Come on! Out! Yes, all right, dear.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
(Applause, cheering) Good evening.
Here is the news.
In the House of Commons today there were stormy exchanges from both sides of the House during a discussion on the Prime Minister's forthcoming visit to the United States.
Using the new, abbreviated form of speech introduced into the Commons to save time, the foreign secretary replied to the MP for N2, Mr BF, and said that the PM should P&O to the US as air travel was NBG for a VIP.
(Laughter) In the 7O7, anyone could KO the PM and the UN could do FA.
(Laughter) The latest trade figures are described as encouraging - ( # Music starts) - .
.
by the Chancel.
.
.
the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
The October figures I'm awfully sorry, we seem to be picking up sound from another studio.
- (Phone rings ) - Excuse me.
Hello? Yes.
Yes, of course I can hear it.
Yes, of course I can.
It's Jackanory.
Well, yes, I watch it sometimes.
Yes, I do.
Yes.
Yes, very well.
Yes, very well.
I apologise for the sound breakthrough.
It is being traced.
Er, meanwhile I will continue.
Inflation still continues to rise at an alarming rate.
Mrs Thatcher, attaching the attacking, I should say, the Government's policy, said once upon a time there were three bears.
I'm sorry.
(Laughter) Once upon a time, there were three dollars to the pound.
And then there were two.
Two little dollar bills sitting on the wall, one named Peter and one named Paul.
Fly away, Peter, fly away, Paul, come back, Peter, come back in the days before the Labour government took over.
She was greeted with loud cheers and then she went home and had tea in the nursery, with lots of lovely jelly and jam and cream.
And she ate so much that she was sick.
(Laughter) Sport.
Bob Fairbrother, now fully recovered from the leg injury, had originally agreed to play this Saturday but has now stated that he cannot, as his mummy won't let him.
(Laughter) He says he can't come out to play until he's done his homework.
Now it's time for another adventure about little Ben, the wedge of wood.
(Laughter) Little Ben was always being hard done by because he was only made of wood and being wedge-shaped made it even worse because people used to tread on his thin end and kick his fat end.
(Laughter) And he was always too afraid to walk down the street because he was frightened of the boy who lived at Number 1O, who was called Sunny Jim but he wasn't sunny at all, really.
He and the boy next door, Dennis the Menace, used to tease little Ben because he was different from them.
And then they'd run away and he would be left on his own and he'd say, ''Why am I always left?'' So he went to see Jenkins, he went to see Jenkins the Wizard, who lived far away in the Welsh mountains and who sometimes turned into a big green dragon and other times wore a white collar.
And he told Jenkins the Wizard he was always left and Jenkins the Wizard said, (Welsh accent) ''Don't be silly.
Of course you're not left.
''That's ridiculous.
My advice to you is to go for a trot.
Go for lots of trots.
''With a few trots behind you, you can't be left, can you?'' (Laughter) And with that, he turned into a green dragon again and ordered a large gin and tonic.
(Laughter, applause ) Piggy Malone and Charlie Farley, our two heroes - dauntless, hopeless and the laughing stock of the underworld - once again were on the trail, speeding down to Devon in search of the answer to a number of mystifying questions.
Who was murdering the yokels and dumping them in London? Why were they all dressed alike? And why did they all come from the same place - a remote village calledDrake's Bottom? Piggy and Charlie were on their way to finding out.
Wellhere we are then, Chief.
We are, yes.
No one else seems to be.
There's not a soul on the station.
Perhaps it's just as well, considering we didn't buy a ticket.
Yeah.
Here, when did you change out of your schoolboy uniform? I never saw you.
In the toilet on the train.
Oh.
Taking a bit of a chance, weren't you? If you'd got caught we'd have had to pay full fare.
Where is everybody? Perhaps it's early-closing day.
But there must be some form of transport.
Taxi! Yes? - How long have you been there? - I just come.
I come to meet the train.
- Are you a taxi? - Yes.
Well, where is it? You tell me where you wants to go, first.
We want to go to Duck's Bottom, my good man.
Drake's Bottom, Chief.
- Oh.
Well, it's all the same, isn't it? - Well, it's not to a duck, it isn't.
- Drake's Bottom, eh? - That's it.
You want Lower Drake's Bottom or Upper Drake's Bottom? Well, up to you, Charlie.
You're navigating.
Well, I suggest we start at Lower Drake's Bottom and work our way up to Upper Drake's Bottom.
Righto.
Only, I mean, you have got a taxi, have you? Otherwise all this conversation is a bit academic, innit? Yes.
It's at home.
I'll just go and fetch it.
- Why don't you bring it with you? - Saves petrol, don't it? Wear and tear on the upholstery.
Shan't be long.
What about the wear and tear on his upholstery? I hope he's not long.
- (Buzzing) - Get off.
- You got 2p, Chief? - No.
Why? Oh, it's all right, I've got one.
Got one.
Come here.
- I haven't got a 2p.
- It's all right.
I know how to work a dodge on this.
Get on.
22 stone six.
Now watch.
Half of 22 stone six is 11 stone three.
My goodness, you've lost a lot of weight.
You used to be 15 stone.
I've put on a hell of a lot, you know.
I shall have to watch it.
I've never known a place so deserted.
Not a soul about anywhere.
Perhaps they're having a siesta.
Don't have siestas in Devonshire.
A lot of people go to Spain for their holidays.
They might have picked up the idea from there.
I've noticed more people in London going to bed in the afternoon lately.
Only cos you've been up more ladders, looking in bedroom windows.
I mean, that is our main line of work, isn't it? Divorce and that.
By the way, that couple you were studying in Kilburn, were they genuine? No, they were false.
The bra was padded.
Big pity.
Uh? - I said, ''Big pity''.
- Sorry.
Thought you said something else.
And so our two heroes, searching for lodgings, found themselves at Darklings Farm.
Little did they know what lay in store for them.
(Clucking) There's an unhealthy atmosphere about this place.
I can sense it.
Think you'll find that's the pigs.
Afternoon, gentlemen.
Looking for lodgings? Yes.
I was wondering if you could fix us up.
Yes, I think I could manage you, all right.
Come on in.
Ah, thank you.
You're a big boy, aren't you? Yeah.
So are you.
If you gentlemen have had enough to eat, I'll show you your bedrooms.
Yes, very nice.
Very nice supper.
Shan't be a tick.
Ooh! - Like your soup? - Yes.
It was very nice.
- What soup was it? - Yeah, nice, wasn't it? Yes.
Good cook, my wife.
Good at anything.
Really? She's a lot younger than me, you know.
I known her since she were a babby.
I used to sit her on my knee.
Not any more.
I should think not.
She'd suffocate you.
Eh? - Erwhat, erwhat soup was it? - Eh? - What soup was it? - Eh? - Whatwhat soup was it? - Eh? - What soup was it? - Eh? - What soup was it? - Eh? - What soup was it? - Eh? It was very nice.
Very nice indeed.
Yes.
Yeah, it was nice.
Yeah.
- Did you like it? - No, it was horrible.
Yes, it was nice.
Very nice.
Right, then? Oh, by the way, lock your bedroom doors because our Elsie tends to wander about a bit in the night.
- Elsie? - Oh, yes, you haven't met her yet.
She's out at the moment.
Oh, she's lovely.
Oh, you'll like her.
But she gets sort of restless at night.
She's got a very friendly nature, you see, and she wanders about, half asleep.
And she's a bit inclined to get into bed with you.
And you wouldn't want that, now, would you? I wouldn't? Sorry, I mean No, I wouldn't.
Oh, yes, we must remember that.
Lock the doors.
Eh? - Come on, then.
- Oh, right.
Thank you.
Mind you, I've got the key to all the rooms.
(Farmer's wife ) Oh, by the way, lock your bedroom doors because our Elsie tends to wander about a bit in the night.
(Creaking) Thought as much.
I was afraid of this.
You're Elsie, aren't you? Well (Cackles ) And so Piggy Malone stands aghast as another yokel bites the carpet.
What is the secret of Darklings Farm? Is Farmer Green a CIA agent? What has the farmer's wife got up her sleeve, apart from half a hundredweight of mutton? Find out next week, in another exciting episode of Stop You're Killing Me.
(Applause ) (Battle raging outside ) Oh, it's you, Hugh.
Did you manage to get through to HQ? - At two minutes to two.
- Two minutes to two? - Yes, I think they realised - Yes? I think they realised I was due to get through.
- They cleared the line.
- Divine.
- What news of support? - Nought.
Nought? Lord Gort up at the fort thought we ought to have sought support - before we went out and fought.
- Well, so we ought, so we ought.
It's all a bit fraught.
We are going to get caught.
Pass the port.
Here we sit, grounded, surrounded and completely confounded.
Cut off by the krauts.
Oh dear, I feel queer.
- I think I'll have a brandy, Sandy.
- Do, Hugh, do.
- I've been erI've been thinking.
- Drinking? - Thinking.
- Oh, thinking and drinking.
Yes.
We are not trapped completely, Captain Wheatley.
There are certain very tight gaps in these Jerry-type chaps.
Here is a map of one of the gaps.
Take a gander, Commander.
Good grief, O'Keefe, do you expect me to squeeze through these? A man of my size, with my thighs? Hardly a holiday, Halliday.
- O'Keefe, sir.
- O'Keefe.
Oh, quite, quite.
Oh, I'm thoroughly misbegotten, hot and rotten.
And the stench in the trench.
If I'm not caught by Jerry I shall die of beriberi.
Oh, damn the kraut, I've got to get out.
I agree it's pretty infernal, Colonel.
That's the understatement of the year, you little queer.
I've had it up to here.
Don't panic and get manic.
Oh, it's no good, chummy.
Oh, lummy.
I want my mummy.
Here, suck this dummy.
Come over to the bed and rest your head.
Try to unroll yourself and control yourself while I give you the lowdown on this showdown.
Look, now we may have run out of ammo but we've still got an MO.
He is conquering disease by degrees.
Private Schwartz has got warts, Private Doyle's got boils, Private Wurzel's pet weasel's got the measles, Corporal Clappy is not a happy chappie.
Still, you can't be a saint with his complaint.
No.
Nobody smiles with piles.
Still, it's worse for the nurse.
Oh, gad, what a barmy army.
D'you fancy a flit, sir? Let'slet's slip out of this hellhole.
Well, I'd certainly sooner be in Solihull than shivering in this stinking load of shrapnel.
What's your plan, little man? - Frank's tank.
It's on the bank.
- Frank? Messiter, the cricketer from Chichester.
Oh, him.
I thought his name was Jim.
Is he no longer with us, Smithers? Not any more.
He's gone before.
Jerry threw this grenade.
There sat Frank, in his tank, dreaming of cricket and a straight middle wicket, when this grenade came over the wall.
Frank thought it was a ball, caught it and bought it.
So there sits Frank's tank on the bank and we've only Frank to thank.
- Can you drive it, Private? - I think so, yes.
I can say, without fear of being egotistical, my vehicle test verged on the artistical.
Would you care to repeat that? - I'd rather not try.
- I can quite see why.
- When do we leave? - As soon as you feel partial, Field Marshal.
Oh, good.
So it's all go, go, go, bravo.
We're all set.
Let's have a wet.
Talking of a wet, might I be excused, Generalissimo? I want to pop out for a Yes, I know.
And so must I, so must I.
But watch out for a Hun with a gun.
You go first.
If I hear a short burst, I shall fear the worst.
If you hear a long sigh, you'll know I'm high and dry.
(Telephone rings ) Hello.
45th the Fusilier here, HQ 82.
Who are you? You are? You are? They are? Oh.
How far? Oh, hurrah.
I'll see you in the bar and buy you a cigar.
Ta-ta.
- We're relieved.
- You, as well, sir? That was Sergeant Bone on the phone.
Captain Hooper's turned up trumps with 22 troopers.
They fired a howitzer and hit the Kaiser squarely in the trouser.
- He has retreated, much depleted.
- Ah.
Then now's our chance.
Before we get hurt and dropped in the dirt, let's put on a spurt and desert, Burt.
Desert? It's a good idea, my dear.
D'you think we could start a new life together, Merryweather? Of course we can, you silly man.
Oh, you've made an old man very happy, you dear chappie.
Just call me Mary, you old fairy.
(Applause ) Ladies and gentlemen, the Nolan Sisters.
(Applause ) ( # Music starts) Lay that pistol down, boy Lay that pistol down Pistol-packing papa Lay that pistol down Singing songs in a cabaret We were having fun Until one night he caught me right Now I'm on the run Oh, lay that pistol down, boy Lay that pistol down Pistol-packing papa Lay that pistol down Oh, see you every night, boy And I'll woo you every day I'll be your regular mama If you put that gun away So lay that pistol down, boy Lay that pistol down Pistol-packing papa Lay that thing down before it goes off and hurts somebody.
Oh, he kicked out my windshield And he hit me over the head Ahh He cussed and cried and said I'd lied And he wished that I was dead Lay that pistol down, boy Lay that pistol down Pistol-packing papa Lay that pistol down Singing songs in a cabaret We were having fun Until one night he shot out the light - Bang! - # I thought I was gone Oh, lay that pistol down, boy Lay that pistol down Pistol-packing papa Lay that pistol Down Oh, pistol-packing papa Lay that pistol down (Applause ) Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Er, this week I'd like to tell you, if I may, a rather religious story because, as you probably know, today is the last Thursday before ermSunday.
(Laughter) I know that sounds rather like a pathetic excuse to tell an old joke, and that is exactly what it is because this joke needs an excuse.
And if I could have thought of a better one I would have done but as my old dad used to say He used to lean forward in his chair.
''Ron,'' he used to say, like that, you know.
''Ron,'' you know.
I always remember that.
Actually, he didn't lean forward.
I am leaning forward so that you'll know when it's me talking and when it's him, you know.
''Ron,'' he used to say.
He had a wonderful memory for names.
''Ron.
'' ''Ron,'' he would say.
And a habit of repeating himself (Laughter) .
.
that I seem to have inherited.
Anyway, ''Ron.
Ron.
'' D'you know, I've concentrated so much on method acting, I can't for the life of me remember what he said.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
Yes, I can.
Yes, I can.
Yes.
''Ron,'' he said, ''Always rememberalways remember'' If I had a pair of oars and some water I could have rowed this chair to (Laughter) .
.
could have rowed this chair to Oxford by now.
He didn't say that.
I said that.
Erm, what he actually said was, ''Ron, always remember,'' he said, ''the show must go on.
'' And he was 4O years a centre-lathe turner so I don't know why I troubled to mention it.
(Laughter) But I did.
So there.
Anyway, the joke.
Two vicars meet in the street and one of them says, ''Woe is me,'' he said, ''Woe is me.
''Some thieving parishioner has made off with my bike ''and from now on it looks like Shanks's pony for ever and ever, et cetera et cetera.
'' Or words to that effect.
''Good heavens,'' said his friend, lapsing into the professional jargon.
- ''Good heavens,'' he said.
- (Laughter) By the way, now, please don't think I am knocking religion or anyone's religion in particular.
I wouldn't do that, believe me.
I can't wait to see the Pope catch up with Dave Allen.
(Laughter) That'll cure his dandruff.
Anyway, I do come To be honest, I come from a very, very devout family.
Actually, my mother has recently started her own religion.
It's called the Hare Krishna Good Old Days and Bingo Appreciation Society.
(Laughter) And it's all based, rather loosely, on the assumption that Del Shannon is a reincarnation of Nellie Wallace.
(Laughter) Now, my dad actually goes along with it all, to be honest.
It's just something to do since his ferret died.
He is actually.
he is actually the high priest of the Golden Altar.
And second reserve human sacrifice.
(Laughter) He was first reserve but he works in Tesco's on Friday evenings.
(Laughter) Actually, to be honest, they're both rather eccentric, you know.
It runs in the family.
Good heavens, I've got an aunt who likes Bernard Manning.
(Laughter) I digress.
I digress.
And back to the story which, incidentally, was told to me by our local vicar, you know, after evensong in the Rat and Handbag.
It's ait's a little hostelry I frequent, you know.
It's four-starred in the Short-Change Guide.
And I promised I promised to tell it on the telly because he is a nice chap, this vicar.
What a worker, too.
I'll tell you something.
I recall that an immigrant family moved into the parish and he was round there before you could say, ''Get the curry on.
'' A short talk from him and they not only embraced Christianity, but asked if there was any more of it.
(Laughter) He pops into the Rat No, I tell you.
- He pops into the - (Laughter) He pops into the Shh, shh.
He pops (Laughter) Now, I told you I had a habit of repeating myself, didn't I? He pops into the Rat and Handbag, the vicar, has a couple of pints and takes a confession behind the jukebox.
(Laughter) No, he's not a Catholic, you know, he just enjoys confessions.
(Laughter) Anyway I don't know why I'm talking about him so much, actually.
If he hadn't got the wrong collars back from the laundry he'd still be on the buses.
Anyway And there we are, the two vicars talking about one of them had his bike stolen.
Remember? ''Woe is me,'' he says, our one whose bike it was.
''Yay, woe is you,'' said his friend.
His friend said, ''What about the local police?'' He said, ''I've thought about them ''but I don't want to accuse anybody until I'm absolutely sure.
'' And his friend says, ''I've got an idea.
Next Sunday, you get up there ''and you give 'em the full ten commandments.
''When you get to 'Thou shalt not steal' have a look for the red face ''and that will be the one who hath purloined your velocipede.
'' (Laughter) By the way, I have a great temptation about here to tell you the story about when Moses was in the desert and he heard the voice say, ''Moses, how would you like some tablets of stone ''with some commandments engraved thereon?'' And Moses replied, ''You must be joking.
''Here I am, fed up, far from home, in the wilderness, ''and you are trying to sell me some stones? ''Goodbye and thank you for calling.
'' And the voice said, ''I am not selling them, they're free.
'' And Moses said, ''I'll take ten.
'' (Laughter) So a couple of weeks later the two vicars meet again and they stand there talking shop about, you know, life on the one day a week, that sort of thing.
And if buttons go out of fashion, will people put zip fasteners in the plate? - (Laughter) - One of them One of them said, ''How did you get on about your bike? ''Did the Ten Commandments idea work?'' And the other vicar said, ''Yes, it worked marvellously.
''I went through them all one by one ''and when I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' ''I remembered where I left my bike.
'' (Laughter, applause ) ( # Men humming Bread Of Heaven ) Here you see two amateur performers I am here but he is nigh Though he's small and I'm enormous He can get much lower than I Me and Evan, me and Evan All we want to do is sing Like anything All we want to do is sing Di and Evan, Di and Evan All they want to do is sing Like anything All they want to do is sing We earn our living at the coalface We labour to make an honest crust We might have a young face Or an old face You can't tell behind this ruddy dust Rough and tough And black as the ace of spades Rough and tough And black as the ace of spades There's no colour problem down the pit They say that if we used our brains, boys We'd leave the mines and start life anew But the coal dust Gets into your veins, boys And lots of other funny places, too Pit-head baths They don't remove the black In the nude We stand there back-to-back Like a ton and a half of nutty slack Rough and tough And black as the ace of spades And though we strike For differential grades We'll still all be blacklegs Yaa di maa Yaa di maa (Applause ) ( # Brass band: All Through The Night) Took the train and went to Swansea Last Friday night Took a girl to have some fun, see Last Friday night Wouldn't let me kiss or hug her She'd just come to watch the rugger Sent her home, the stupid Blodwyn Last Friday night Ah-ah aaa (Humming) My wife is a real fanatic All through the night She's fixed goalposts to the bedposts All painted white In her dreams she roars like thunder Rips the bedclothes all asunder Leaving me an up-and-under All through the night I met a girl called Megan Oh, she's got a wooden leg and a ''Wouldn't it be nice?'' sort of look on her face Now, Megan was a Cockney And her one knee it was a knock-knee And the other one had woodworm All over the place Megan's flat wasn't far from us And she made me a solemn promise To show me her Dylan Thomas On the bookshelf in the loo My sides started shaking When she said Her name was Megan Bacon You can guess what I had for breakfast And very nice, too I met a girl called Sally Who worked in the Rhondda Valley Giving lessons in ballet And she charged half a quid I danced with Myfanwy And Myfanwy said, ''Can we?'' I fell flat on Myfanwy And we damn nearly did Then I met another girl called Shirley Who was big, beefy, broad and burly Her hair, it was short and curly She played scrum-half for Rhyl But the nicest was Amanda When I kissed her on her veranda She asked me to stop And I'm stopping there still ( # Men Of Harlech) Once a year the valley's ringing With the sound of Welsh men singing And a fancy-dress Eisteddfod Down in Gogogoch It was such a grand Eisteddfod Opened by the Duke of Bedford I went dressed as Robert Redford On his half-day off Everyone competing Drinking, smoking, eating Songs were sung and leaks were sprung And things were seen That wouldn't bear repeating Our conductor, Albert Stratton Trouserless but with his hat on A ribbon tied around his baton He won second prize Through the valleys of the Rhondda Singing songs from way back yonder But our minds are bound to wander When we've had a jar Blodwyn's bosoms cause a rumpus Specially when she's wearing jumpers Less like knockers, more like bumpers On our old Ford car Megan's on the brandy Granny's smashed on shandy Auntie Glad's gone raving mad With a randy handyman from Tonypandy Men of Harlech Alcoholic Reeked of garlic, fun and frolic What a load of Most symbolic So say all of us And so say all of us, and so say all of us Oh, don't go down to the mine, Dad Oh, don't go down to the mine, Dad Oh, don't go down to the mine, Dad There's plenty of coal in the bath (Applause ) Before we go, two late football results.
The Arsenal-Stoke City match was abandoned and the game between Nuneaton Nancies and Farnham Fairies was very abandoned.
(Laughter) So, that's all for this week.
Next week we hope to be talking to the man who crossed the Naughty Nineties with a Japanese airman to get a cami-knicker pilot.
(Laughter) And we'll have a live link-up with Australia, where a skunk has been crossed with a koala to produce a pooh-bear.
(Laughter) And good news for coach drivers.
Peter Pan has successfully been crossed with a travel pill to produce a little boy who never throws up.
(Laughter) And finally, news from the Middle East.
After exchanging his 5OO wives for 5OO others at a harem-swapping weekend party, His Magnificence, the Potentate of Abdil el Waadi henceforth wishes to be known as His Patheticness, the Impotentate of Abdil el Waadi.
(Laughter, applause ) So it's good night from me.
- And it's good night from him.
Good night.
- Good night.
It's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
And in a packed programme tonight we shall have excerpts from four new BBC classic serials - What Katy Did, What Katy Did Next, Who Did What To Katy and Son Of Katy.
(Laughter) And we'll have film of the Knaresborough dustman who got married this morning.
This afternoon he carried his happy bride over the threshold but, through force of habit, dropped bits of her along the garden path.
(Laughter) After that, we present the massed mounted bands of the Household Cavalry, closely followed by the massed buckets of the Rhubarb Growers Association.
(Laughter) But first, the news.
British Rail has introduced a new passenger service.
It offers you breakfast in Aberdeen, lunch in Newcastle, dinner in London and your luggage in Birmingham.
(Laughter) Mr Zachariah Mole, the world's untidiest man, died today.
His body is now lying in a state.
(Laughter) Thisthis week is This week is Accident Prevention Week at Aldershot and already, 3OO army wives have signed an undertaking to have a guard in front of the fire.
(Laughter) Meanwhile, the search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon-slicer goes on.
(Laughter) Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.
(Laughter) (Applause ) The record company who recently issued Rod McEwan's Greatest Hits without a hole in the middle today offered the following advice to buyers - take a Polo mint and, using it as a template, bore a hole through the centre of the record.
For even better results, play the Polo mint.
(Laughter) Finally, in Mere, Wiltshire, a Great Dane has been crossed with a bicycle pump to produce a dog that really puts the wind up postmen.
(Laughter) (Applause ) Now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Barker, whose hit single this week shot up to number 36 in the Irish Top 2O.
(Laughter) ( # Easy listening) Hello, there.
I er I saw you standing over here all on your own.
I thought I'd just come over and make fun of you.
Well, you have got a problem, haven't you, what? You're the life and soul of the party, aren't you? I bet you're a right old little box of fireworks when you get going.
- I'm sorry? - Ooh, dear! Oh, I say.
Oh, we're getting vicious now, are we? Oh, dear.
Vicious.
You're not one of these Hell's Angels people? Come to frighten us with your flick-knives and your razorblades and your copies of Woman's Own, are you? No, you're probably not, no.
I should think you're one of those obnoxious people who gatecrashes parties just to pick fights with the bouncers.
I have not gate-crashed, I beg your pardon.
I have an invitation.
We both have.
- Oh, you're married, are you? - Yes.
Oh, dear.
Your poor old wife.
She's scraping the bottom of the barrel with you, isn't she, what? I'll thank you not to talk about my dear wife like that.
She is a very warm-hearted and generous person.
I'll have you know she gave me extra pocket money last week.
- There aren't many women about like that.
- No.
Thank God.
She sounds a right old dragon to me.
Ho! Fancy being stuck indoors all day with her.
Oh, no, she lets me out every day to go to work, you know.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
Now, don't tell me what you do.
You're an accountant, aren't you? No, no, much too boring for me.
I require something more exciting, more stimulating.
I may not look it but underneath, I can tell you, I am a proper little firebrand, I can tell you that.
Oh, are you really? What do you do, then? What are you? A pork-butcher in Golder's Green or what? - I'm a banker! - Oh, I say.
I say.
Oh, a banker.
Oh, how exciting.
Gee whiz, baby.
Fan my flies.
You must be a right little tearaway, mustn't you? You probably only came here because you thought it was going to be an orgy.
- Certainly not.
- No.
I should think your idea of an orgy is a 1952 copy of Playboy, isn't it? With all the good bits ripped out.
- What's your name, by the way? - Gavin.
Gavin? I'd say that must be the most exciting thing about you, isn't it, Gavin? Oh, God, Gavin.
I can just imagine your parents lying there in the dark and thinking that one up.
They must be a right old pair.
Talking of right old pairs, who made your teeth for you? A monumental mason? Or did you cut them out of orange pee.
Are you er Are you trying to make a fool of me? Good heavens, no.
No, no.
I think you're managing very well on your own.
- Is your wife here, by the way? - Yes, she's over there, talking to your wife.
My husband's a millionaire.
- What's yours? - A little rat.
- Is he here? - Yes, he's over there, talking to your husband.
And it's time he was going home.
He's beginning to enjoy himself.
Come on.
Out! Bedtime.
You haven't said a word to me all evening.
Off hob-nobbing with your male friends half the night, me standing here like a lemon! Come on! Out! Yes, all right, dear.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
(Applause, cheering) Good evening.
Here is the news.
In the House of Commons today there were stormy exchanges from both sides of the House during a discussion on the Prime Minister's forthcoming visit to the United States.
Using the new, abbreviated form of speech introduced into the Commons to save time, the foreign secretary replied to the MP for N2, Mr BF, and said that the PM should P&O to the US as air travel was NBG for a VIP.
(Laughter) In the 7O7, anyone could KO the PM and the UN could do FA.
(Laughter) The latest trade figures are described as encouraging - ( # Music starts) - .
.
by the Chancel.
.
.
the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
The October figures I'm awfully sorry, we seem to be picking up sound from another studio.
- (Phone rings ) - Excuse me.
Hello? Yes.
Yes, of course I can hear it.
Yes, of course I can.
It's Jackanory.
Well, yes, I watch it sometimes.
Yes, I do.
Yes.
Yes, very well.
Yes, very well.
I apologise for the sound breakthrough.
It is being traced.
Er, meanwhile I will continue.
Inflation still continues to rise at an alarming rate.
Mrs Thatcher, attaching the attacking, I should say, the Government's policy, said once upon a time there were three bears.
I'm sorry.
(Laughter) Once upon a time, there were three dollars to the pound.
And then there were two.
Two little dollar bills sitting on the wall, one named Peter and one named Paul.
Fly away, Peter, fly away, Paul, come back, Peter, come back in the days before the Labour government took over.
She was greeted with loud cheers and then she went home and had tea in the nursery, with lots of lovely jelly and jam and cream.
And she ate so much that she was sick.
(Laughter) Sport.
Bob Fairbrother, now fully recovered from the leg injury, had originally agreed to play this Saturday but has now stated that he cannot, as his mummy won't let him.
(Laughter) He says he can't come out to play until he's done his homework.
Now it's time for another adventure about little Ben, the wedge of wood.
(Laughter) Little Ben was always being hard done by because he was only made of wood and being wedge-shaped made it even worse because people used to tread on his thin end and kick his fat end.
(Laughter) And he was always too afraid to walk down the street because he was frightened of the boy who lived at Number 1O, who was called Sunny Jim but he wasn't sunny at all, really.
He and the boy next door, Dennis the Menace, used to tease little Ben because he was different from them.
And then they'd run away and he would be left on his own and he'd say, ''Why am I always left?'' So he went to see Jenkins, he went to see Jenkins the Wizard, who lived far away in the Welsh mountains and who sometimes turned into a big green dragon and other times wore a white collar.
And he told Jenkins the Wizard he was always left and Jenkins the Wizard said, (Welsh accent) ''Don't be silly.
Of course you're not left.
''That's ridiculous.
My advice to you is to go for a trot.
Go for lots of trots.
''With a few trots behind you, you can't be left, can you?'' (Laughter) And with that, he turned into a green dragon again and ordered a large gin and tonic.
(Laughter, applause ) Piggy Malone and Charlie Farley, our two heroes - dauntless, hopeless and the laughing stock of the underworld - once again were on the trail, speeding down to Devon in search of the answer to a number of mystifying questions.
Who was murdering the yokels and dumping them in London? Why were they all dressed alike? And why did they all come from the same place - a remote village calledDrake's Bottom? Piggy and Charlie were on their way to finding out.
Wellhere we are then, Chief.
We are, yes.
No one else seems to be.
There's not a soul on the station.
Perhaps it's just as well, considering we didn't buy a ticket.
Yeah.
Here, when did you change out of your schoolboy uniform? I never saw you.
In the toilet on the train.
Oh.
Taking a bit of a chance, weren't you? If you'd got caught we'd have had to pay full fare.
Where is everybody? Perhaps it's early-closing day.
But there must be some form of transport.
Taxi! Yes? - How long have you been there? - I just come.
I come to meet the train.
- Are you a taxi? - Yes.
Well, where is it? You tell me where you wants to go, first.
We want to go to Duck's Bottom, my good man.
Drake's Bottom, Chief.
- Oh.
Well, it's all the same, isn't it? - Well, it's not to a duck, it isn't.
- Drake's Bottom, eh? - That's it.
You want Lower Drake's Bottom or Upper Drake's Bottom? Well, up to you, Charlie.
You're navigating.
Well, I suggest we start at Lower Drake's Bottom and work our way up to Upper Drake's Bottom.
Righto.
Only, I mean, you have got a taxi, have you? Otherwise all this conversation is a bit academic, innit? Yes.
It's at home.
I'll just go and fetch it.
- Why don't you bring it with you? - Saves petrol, don't it? Wear and tear on the upholstery.
Shan't be long.
What about the wear and tear on his upholstery? I hope he's not long.
- (Buzzing) - Get off.
- You got 2p, Chief? - No.
Why? Oh, it's all right, I've got one.
Got one.
Come here.
- I haven't got a 2p.
- It's all right.
I know how to work a dodge on this.
Get on.
22 stone six.
Now watch.
Half of 22 stone six is 11 stone three.
My goodness, you've lost a lot of weight.
You used to be 15 stone.
I've put on a hell of a lot, you know.
I shall have to watch it.
I've never known a place so deserted.
Not a soul about anywhere.
Perhaps they're having a siesta.
Don't have siestas in Devonshire.
A lot of people go to Spain for their holidays.
They might have picked up the idea from there.
I've noticed more people in London going to bed in the afternoon lately.
Only cos you've been up more ladders, looking in bedroom windows.
I mean, that is our main line of work, isn't it? Divorce and that.
By the way, that couple you were studying in Kilburn, were they genuine? No, they were false.
The bra was padded.
Big pity.
Uh? - I said, ''Big pity''.
- Sorry.
Thought you said something else.
And so our two heroes, searching for lodgings, found themselves at Darklings Farm.
Little did they know what lay in store for them.
(Clucking) There's an unhealthy atmosphere about this place.
I can sense it.
Think you'll find that's the pigs.
Afternoon, gentlemen.
Looking for lodgings? Yes.
I was wondering if you could fix us up.
Yes, I think I could manage you, all right.
Come on in.
Ah, thank you.
You're a big boy, aren't you? Yeah.
So are you.
If you gentlemen have had enough to eat, I'll show you your bedrooms.
Yes, very nice.
Very nice supper.
Shan't be a tick.
Ooh! - Like your soup? - Yes.
It was very nice.
- What soup was it? - Yeah, nice, wasn't it? Yes.
Good cook, my wife.
Good at anything.
Really? She's a lot younger than me, you know.
I known her since she were a babby.
I used to sit her on my knee.
Not any more.
I should think not.
She'd suffocate you.
Eh? - Erwhat, erwhat soup was it? - Eh? - What soup was it? - Eh? - Whatwhat soup was it? - Eh? - What soup was it? - Eh? - What soup was it? - Eh? - What soup was it? - Eh? It was very nice.
Very nice indeed.
Yes.
Yeah, it was nice.
Yeah.
- Did you like it? - No, it was horrible.
Yes, it was nice.
Very nice.
Right, then? Oh, by the way, lock your bedroom doors because our Elsie tends to wander about a bit in the night.
- Elsie? - Oh, yes, you haven't met her yet.
She's out at the moment.
Oh, she's lovely.
Oh, you'll like her.
But she gets sort of restless at night.
She's got a very friendly nature, you see, and she wanders about, half asleep.
And she's a bit inclined to get into bed with you.
And you wouldn't want that, now, would you? I wouldn't? Sorry, I mean No, I wouldn't.
Oh, yes, we must remember that.
Lock the doors.
Eh? - Come on, then.
- Oh, right.
Thank you.
Mind you, I've got the key to all the rooms.
(Farmer's wife ) Oh, by the way, lock your bedroom doors because our Elsie tends to wander about a bit in the night.
(Creaking) Thought as much.
I was afraid of this.
You're Elsie, aren't you? Well (Cackles ) And so Piggy Malone stands aghast as another yokel bites the carpet.
What is the secret of Darklings Farm? Is Farmer Green a CIA agent? What has the farmer's wife got up her sleeve, apart from half a hundredweight of mutton? Find out next week, in another exciting episode of Stop You're Killing Me.
(Applause ) (Battle raging outside ) Oh, it's you, Hugh.
Did you manage to get through to HQ? - At two minutes to two.
- Two minutes to two? - Yes, I think they realised - Yes? I think they realised I was due to get through.
- They cleared the line.
- Divine.
- What news of support? - Nought.
Nought? Lord Gort up at the fort thought we ought to have sought support - before we went out and fought.
- Well, so we ought, so we ought.
It's all a bit fraught.
We are going to get caught.
Pass the port.
Here we sit, grounded, surrounded and completely confounded.
Cut off by the krauts.
Oh dear, I feel queer.
- I think I'll have a brandy, Sandy.
- Do, Hugh, do.
- I've been erI've been thinking.
- Drinking? - Thinking.
- Oh, thinking and drinking.
Yes.
We are not trapped completely, Captain Wheatley.
There are certain very tight gaps in these Jerry-type chaps.
Here is a map of one of the gaps.
Take a gander, Commander.
Good grief, O'Keefe, do you expect me to squeeze through these? A man of my size, with my thighs? Hardly a holiday, Halliday.
- O'Keefe, sir.
- O'Keefe.
Oh, quite, quite.
Oh, I'm thoroughly misbegotten, hot and rotten.
And the stench in the trench.
If I'm not caught by Jerry I shall die of beriberi.
Oh, damn the kraut, I've got to get out.
I agree it's pretty infernal, Colonel.
That's the understatement of the year, you little queer.
I've had it up to here.
Don't panic and get manic.
Oh, it's no good, chummy.
Oh, lummy.
I want my mummy.
Here, suck this dummy.
Come over to the bed and rest your head.
Try to unroll yourself and control yourself while I give you the lowdown on this showdown.
Look, now we may have run out of ammo but we've still got an MO.
He is conquering disease by degrees.
Private Schwartz has got warts, Private Doyle's got boils, Private Wurzel's pet weasel's got the measles, Corporal Clappy is not a happy chappie.
Still, you can't be a saint with his complaint.
No.
Nobody smiles with piles.
Still, it's worse for the nurse.
Oh, gad, what a barmy army.
D'you fancy a flit, sir? Let'slet's slip out of this hellhole.
Well, I'd certainly sooner be in Solihull than shivering in this stinking load of shrapnel.
What's your plan, little man? - Frank's tank.
It's on the bank.
- Frank? Messiter, the cricketer from Chichester.
Oh, him.
I thought his name was Jim.
Is he no longer with us, Smithers? Not any more.
He's gone before.
Jerry threw this grenade.
There sat Frank, in his tank, dreaming of cricket and a straight middle wicket, when this grenade came over the wall.
Frank thought it was a ball, caught it and bought it.
So there sits Frank's tank on the bank and we've only Frank to thank.
- Can you drive it, Private? - I think so, yes.
I can say, without fear of being egotistical, my vehicle test verged on the artistical.
Would you care to repeat that? - I'd rather not try.
- I can quite see why.
- When do we leave? - As soon as you feel partial, Field Marshal.
Oh, good.
So it's all go, go, go, bravo.
We're all set.
Let's have a wet.
Talking of a wet, might I be excused, Generalissimo? I want to pop out for a Yes, I know.
And so must I, so must I.
But watch out for a Hun with a gun.
You go first.
If I hear a short burst, I shall fear the worst.
If you hear a long sigh, you'll know I'm high and dry.
(Telephone rings ) Hello.
45th the Fusilier here, HQ 82.
Who are you? You are? You are? They are? Oh.
How far? Oh, hurrah.
I'll see you in the bar and buy you a cigar.
Ta-ta.
- We're relieved.
- You, as well, sir? That was Sergeant Bone on the phone.
Captain Hooper's turned up trumps with 22 troopers.
They fired a howitzer and hit the Kaiser squarely in the trouser.
- He has retreated, much depleted.
- Ah.
Then now's our chance.
Before we get hurt and dropped in the dirt, let's put on a spurt and desert, Burt.
Desert? It's a good idea, my dear.
D'you think we could start a new life together, Merryweather? Of course we can, you silly man.
Oh, you've made an old man very happy, you dear chappie.
Just call me Mary, you old fairy.
(Applause ) Ladies and gentlemen, the Nolan Sisters.
(Applause ) ( # Music starts) Lay that pistol down, boy Lay that pistol down Pistol-packing papa Lay that pistol down Singing songs in a cabaret We were having fun Until one night he caught me right Now I'm on the run Oh, lay that pistol down, boy Lay that pistol down Pistol-packing papa Lay that pistol down Oh, see you every night, boy And I'll woo you every day I'll be your regular mama If you put that gun away So lay that pistol down, boy Lay that pistol down Pistol-packing papa Lay that thing down before it goes off and hurts somebody.
Oh, he kicked out my windshield And he hit me over the head Ahh He cussed and cried and said I'd lied And he wished that I was dead Lay that pistol down, boy Lay that pistol down Pistol-packing papa Lay that pistol down Singing songs in a cabaret We were having fun Until one night he shot out the light - Bang! - # I thought I was gone Oh, lay that pistol down, boy Lay that pistol down Pistol-packing papa Lay that pistol Down Oh, pistol-packing papa Lay that pistol down (Applause ) Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Er, this week I'd like to tell you, if I may, a rather religious story because, as you probably know, today is the last Thursday before ermSunday.
(Laughter) I know that sounds rather like a pathetic excuse to tell an old joke, and that is exactly what it is because this joke needs an excuse.
And if I could have thought of a better one I would have done but as my old dad used to say He used to lean forward in his chair.
''Ron,'' he used to say, like that, you know.
''Ron,'' you know.
I always remember that.
Actually, he didn't lean forward.
I am leaning forward so that you'll know when it's me talking and when it's him, you know.
''Ron,'' he used to say.
He had a wonderful memory for names.
''Ron.
'' ''Ron,'' he would say.
And a habit of repeating himself (Laughter) .
.
that I seem to have inherited.
Anyway, ''Ron.
Ron.
'' D'you know, I've concentrated so much on method acting, I can't for the life of me remember what he said.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
Yes, I can.
Yes, I can.
Yes.
''Ron,'' he said, ''Always rememberalways remember'' If I had a pair of oars and some water I could have rowed this chair to (Laughter) .
.
could have rowed this chair to Oxford by now.
He didn't say that.
I said that.
Erm, what he actually said was, ''Ron, always remember,'' he said, ''the show must go on.
'' And he was 4O years a centre-lathe turner so I don't know why I troubled to mention it.
(Laughter) But I did.
So there.
Anyway, the joke.
Two vicars meet in the street and one of them says, ''Woe is me,'' he said, ''Woe is me.
''Some thieving parishioner has made off with my bike ''and from now on it looks like Shanks's pony for ever and ever, et cetera et cetera.
'' Or words to that effect.
''Good heavens,'' said his friend, lapsing into the professional jargon.
- ''Good heavens,'' he said.
- (Laughter) By the way, now, please don't think I am knocking religion or anyone's religion in particular.
I wouldn't do that, believe me.
I can't wait to see the Pope catch up with Dave Allen.
(Laughter) That'll cure his dandruff.
Anyway, I do come To be honest, I come from a very, very devout family.
Actually, my mother has recently started her own religion.
It's called the Hare Krishna Good Old Days and Bingo Appreciation Society.
(Laughter) And it's all based, rather loosely, on the assumption that Del Shannon is a reincarnation of Nellie Wallace.
(Laughter) Now, my dad actually goes along with it all, to be honest.
It's just something to do since his ferret died.
He is actually.
he is actually the high priest of the Golden Altar.
And second reserve human sacrifice.
(Laughter) He was first reserve but he works in Tesco's on Friday evenings.
(Laughter) Actually, to be honest, they're both rather eccentric, you know.
It runs in the family.
Good heavens, I've got an aunt who likes Bernard Manning.
(Laughter) I digress.
I digress.
And back to the story which, incidentally, was told to me by our local vicar, you know, after evensong in the Rat and Handbag.
It's ait's a little hostelry I frequent, you know.
It's four-starred in the Short-Change Guide.
And I promised I promised to tell it on the telly because he is a nice chap, this vicar.
What a worker, too.
I'll tell you something.
I recall that an immigrant family moved into the parish and he was round there before you could say, ''Get the curry on.
'' A short talk from him and they not only embraced Christianity, but asked if there was any more of it.
(Laughter) He pops into the Rat No, I tell you.
- He pops into the - (Laughter) He pops into the Shh, shh.
He pops (Laughter) Now, I told you I had a habit of repeating myself, didn't I? He pops into the Rat and Handbag, the vicar, has a couple of pints and takes a confession behind the jukebox.
(Laughter) No, he's not a Catholic, you know, he just enjoys confessions.
(Laughter) Anyway I don't know why I'm talking about him so much, actually.
If he hadn't got the wrong collars back from the laundry he'd still be on the buses.
Anyway And there we are, the two vicars talking about one of them had his bike stolen.
Remember? ''Woe is me,'' he says, our one whose bike it was.
''Yay, woe is you,'' said his friend.
His friend said, ''What about the local police?'' He said, ''I've thought about them ''but I don't want to accuse anybody until I'm absolutely sure.
'' And his friend says, ''I've got an idea.
Next Sunday, you get up there ''and you give 'em the full ten commandments.
''When you get to 'Thou shalt not steal' have a look for the red face ''and that will be the one who hath purloined your velocipede.
'' (Laughter) By the way, I have a great temptation about here to tell you the story about when Moses was in the desert and he heard the voice say, ''Moses, how would you like some tablets of stone ''with some commandments engraved thereon?'' And Moses replied, ''You must be joking.
''Here I am, fed up, far from home, in the wilderness, ''and you are trying to sell me some stones? ''Goodbye and thank you for calling.
'' And the voice said, ''I am not selling them, they're free.
'' And Moses said, ''I'll take ten.
'' (Laughter) So a couple of weeks later the two vicars meet again and they stand there talking shop about, you know, life on the one day a week, that sort of thing.
And if buttons go out of fashion, will people put zip fasteners in the plate? - (Laughter) - One of them One of them said, ''How did you get on about your bike? ''Did the Ten Commandments idea work?'' And the other vicar said, ''Yes, it worked marvellously.
''I went through them all one by one ''and when I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' ''I remembered where I left my bike.
'' (Laughter, applause ) ( # Men humming Bread Of Heaven ) Here you see two amateur performers I am here but he is nigh Though he's small and I'm enormous He can get much lower than I Me and Evan, me and Evan All we want to do is sing Like anything All we want to do is sing Di and Evan, Di and Evan All they want to do is sing Like anything All they want to do is sing We earn our living at the coalface We labour to make an honest crust We might have a young face Or an old face You can't tell behind this ruddy dust Rough and tough And black as the ace of spades Rough and tough And black as the ace of spades There's no colour problem down the pit They say that if we used our brains, boys We'd leave the mines and start life anew But the coal dust Gets into your veins, boys And lots of other funny places, too Pit-head baths They don't remove the black In the nude We stand there back-to-back Like a ton and a half of nutty slack Rough and tough And black as the ace of spades And though we strike For differential grades We'll still all be blacklegs Yaa di maa Yaa di maa (Applause ) ( # Brass band: All Through The Night) Took the train and went to Swansea Last Friday night Took a girl to have some fun, see Last Friday night Wouldn't let me kiss or hug her She'd just come to watch the rugger Sent her home, the stupid Blodwyn Last Friday night Ah-ah aaa (Humming) My wife is a real fanatic All through the night She's fixed goalposts to the bedposts All painted white In her dreams she roars like thunder Rips the bedclothes all asunder Leaving me an up-and-under All through the night I met a girl called Megan Oh, she's got a wooden leg and a ''Wouldn't it be nice?'' sort of look on her face Now, Megan was a Cockney And her one knee it was a knock-knee And the other one had woodworm All over the place Megan's flat wasn't far from us And she made me a solemn promise To show me her Dylan Thomas On the bookshelf in the loo My sides started shaking When she said Her name was Megan Bacon You can guess what I had for breakfast And very nice, too I met a girl called Sally Who worked in the Rhondda Valley Giving lessons in ballet And she charged half a quid I danced with Myfanwy And Myfanwy said, ''Can we?'' I fell flat on Myfanwy And we damn nearly did Then I met another girl called Shirley Who was big, beefy, broad and burly Her hair, it was short and curly She played scrum-half for Rhyl But the nicest was Amanda When I kissed her on her veranda She asked me to stop And I'm stopping there still ( # Men Of Harlech) Once a year the valley's ringing With the sound of Welsh men singing And a fancy-dress Eisteddfod Down in Gogogoch It was such a grand Eisteddfod Opened by the Duke of Bedford I went dressed as Robert Redford On his half-day off Everyone competing Drinking, smoking, eating Songs were sung and leaks were sprung And things were seen That wouldn't bear repeating Our conductor, Albert Stratton Trouserless but with his hat on A ribbon tied around his baton He won second prize Through the valleys of the Rhondda Singing songs from way back yonder But our minds are bound to wander When we've had a jar Blodwyn's bosoms cause a rumpus Specially when she's wearing jumpers Less like knockers, more like bumpers On our old Ford car Megan's on the brandy Granny's smashed on shandy Auntie Glad's gone raving mad With a randy handyman from Tonypandy Men of Harlech Alcoholic Reeked of garlic, fun and frolic What a load of Most symbolic So say all of us And so say all of us, and so say all of us Oh, don't go down to the mine, Dad Oh, don't go down to the mine, Dad Oh, don't go down to the mine, Dad There's plenty of coal in the bath (Applause ) Before we go, two late football results.
The Arsenal-Stoke City match was abandoned and the game between Nuneaton Nancies and Farnham Fairies was very abandoned.
(Laughter) So, that's all for this week.
Next week we hope to be talking to the man who crossed the Naughty Nineties with a Japanese airman to get a cami-knicker pilot.
(Laughter) And we'll have a live link-up with Australia, where a skunk has been crossed with a koala to produce a pooh-bear.
(Laughter) And good news for coach drivers.
Peter Pan has successfully been crossed with a travel pill to produce a little boy who never throws up.
(Laughter) And finally, news from the Middle East.
After exchanging his 5OO wives for 5OO others at a harem-swapping weekend party, His Magnificence, the Potentate of Abdil el Waadi henceforth wishes to be known as His Patheticness, the Impotentate of Abdil el Waadi.
(Laughter, applause ) So it's good night from me.
- And it's good night from him.
Good night.
- Good night.