What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s06e02 Episode Script

1
[OWL HOOTING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
[LASZLO] To create new
life from dead human parts.
The brass ring of all
scientific pursuits.
I first tried building
a man to take my place
when I was drafted in to
fight your American Civil War.
Thing is, I ended up going there
myself. Had a fantastic time.
Good food, good fellowship.
I restarted the project
several times over the years.
When I took up judo,
when my band needed a drummer,
and during the piggyback
craze of the 1980s.
But I never damn well finished it.
Always set my sights just too high.
But if repetition is
the father of progress,
then call me Big Papa.
So technically that
does rhyme with orange.
Ugh. Good gravy. What smells so bad
in here, and can I please have some?
No, you may not.
This is a proprietary amniotic bath
of my own invention for my new man.
I intend to reanimate once dead human
flesh into my own modern Prometheus.
Like, uh, Dr. Frankenstein.
I don't know who that is.
Dr. Frankenstein from the
book and the countless movies.
No, I've never heard of him. What
I'm doing is completely original.
I shall call him Cravensworth's Monster,
and he shall be our new familiar.
Well, you know I love a weekend
build. I can go get my Phillips-head.
Fantastic. As you can see,
all my heads are fucked.
If you can persuade your friend Phillip
to part with his,
then we're in business.
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You've sold out your
dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
I start a new job today.
Kind of a funny story, actually.
I'll make this quick,
'cause I'm running late.
So, I'm at Panera Bread.
I get this call from this guy named
Rob. He's over at Cannon Capital.
Now, he's yelling profanity.
A lot of bad words about
his order that we got wrong.
I'm so sorry. Sam!
He's, like, a regular. He
always gets the same thing.
- The Napa Almond Chicken sammie.
- Sorry about the yelling.
[GUILLERMO] He got the Green Goddess,
which are different sandwiches.
If you know, you know.
So I offer to correct it and
bring it down here myself.
I meet Lamar in the lobby,
he's from the mail room,
and we start chatting and he asked
me if I graduated high school.
And I say, "Yeah." And he says,
"How much do you make at Panera?"
And I tell him and he says, "How'd
you like to make $3 more an hour?"
[CHUCKLES] And I say, "What?"
And, well, fairy-tale
ending, I'm a finance guy now.
I mean, it's only the
mail room, but still.
It's a start.
No. No, no, you can't come in with me.
This is like a job-job,
like, a real job.
I'll just see you back home.
[PHONE RINGS]
Telephone!
Colin Robinson, come over here. We
have progress I need you to observe.
[LAUGHS]
How do you do, sir?
- [SCREAMS]
- Shit!
Observe with your eyes, not
your hands, Colin Robinson.
- It's fine, I'll get it.
- I'll leave you to it.
Hello? No, Guillermo does not live
here anymore. He lives in the shed.
Oh, you are Guillermo.
Guillermo, now is not a good time.
Laszlo's new jack-off
machine has malfunctioned.
It's not a jack-off machine.
Why don't you call back
in a week? Thank you.
[NADJA] Ugh! Who is cooking meat pies?
- Oh. Of course. A jack-off machine.
- Yes.
- It's not a jack-off machine.
- It could be.
Why would I make myself
another jack-off machine
when I have a perfectly good
one I built 100 years ago?
Anyway, my darling, I haven't got time
to sit here and shoot the shit with you.
Colin Robinson and I are very busy.
Well, I don't want to be
here anyway. It stinks.
Ah! Hold that lift.
Keep up the good work, Jacob.
Colin Robinson, I need you
to check the electric current.
Uh, how do you want me to do that?
[LASZLO] Put your finger in the tank.
Do not put your whole hand
in there. Just your finger.
Okay.
[SCREAMS]
[GROANS]
Ha! Fantastic. [LAUGHS]
Hey, I just wanna let you
know I'm borrowing your iron
'cause I wanna look
sharp for work tomorrow.
For my new job.
- You are not at Panera?
- No.
Cannon Capital Strategies. We're
a smallish private equity firm.
It's pretty complicated stuff.
[YAWNS]
And your job there is collecting irons?
No, I'm gonna go iron, then I'm gonna go
to bed because I don't
have time for this.
Nandor, Guillermo has a
big-time, big boy, big-dick job.
I do not like this at all.
He will be amongst his
own kind. He'll be fine.
No, Nandor, he won't.
He has been here for 15 years
with the easy ride from us.
And now, when the pressure gets too
much for him, who is he going to blame?
Us, for casting him out of paradise.
A couple of years back,
I heard about a familiar in Queens,
retired from the old vampire game.
- Hmm.
- Got herself a studio apartment.
She could not handle the shock of
returning to the regular human world.
Two months later, she comes back, kills
all of the vampires in her old house.
- [GASPS]
- Guillermo's gonna kill us all.
Good golly, you'd think
a so-called man of science
would have a better way of checking
for an electrical short. [CHUCKLES]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- [LASZLO] Colin Robinson!
Well, back to the
grindstone. Coming! Coming!
Superstructure is sound, bones are good,
and the nerves are
literally made of steel.
Yeah, but what about the
head? You kinda need a head.
- Goggles.
- Okay.
Don't you worry about the head, me
old fruit. I've got a perfect one.
Our mule shall have
the visage of a prince.
- Oh, Rock Hudson.
- Rock Hudson, is that his name?
- Yeah.
- Rock Hard-son, more like.
That'd be great. Problem is, uh,
he's dead. Been dead for years.
- Really?
- [COLIN] Yeah.
Do you know if someone had the
foresight to have preserved his head?
- I doubt it.
- Barbarians.
That puts us on the back
foot. We need a hot head.
Yeah, from a cool dude.
He doesn't have to be cool.
The head is purely decorative.
Now, what's the most expedient way
of examining a wide variety of heads
before selecting one for
removal and transplant?
I'm actually certified for
all the rideshare services.
I mean, you talk about a quick and
easy energy drain. This is the job.
And you swear this is the best
way to find a usable human head?
Mmm. There he is. I like his smile.
- Hi. For Doug?
- You got it.
- Hop in.
- Oh, man. [SIGHS]
Oh, I-I didn't order a-a group ride.
I don't love his ears.
All right. You heard the
fella. Hit the bricks, Doug.
- What?
- Fuck the fuck off.
Get away from the car.
I do have feelings, believe
it or not. I-I get lonely.
Would you say you're
kind of an emotional guy?
Hey. [GRUNTS]
The problem with making new friends is
that 99% of people are insipid cretins.
Hi. For Cecil?
What the fuck's in his mouth?
Adult braces.
- No.
- Seriously?
But if I could literally make
a new friend from scratch
Do you cry at Good Will Hunting
Hmm, no.
Okay. Get the fuck out.
How do you like them apples?
Call me a softy, but
that's what I'm looking for
in a head that's gonna be
severed off and attached
to a body made up of cadaver parts.
Your pack.
Good sir.
Nancy. [WHISPERS] How did you get
in here? This is a place of business.
You're gonna get me fired. Get out.
[JORDAN] Hey, team. Will you
bring it in for a sec here?
You may have noticed, uh,
some cameras roaming around.
I'd like everybody to ignore them.
These guys are making a documentary
about innovations in global finance,
and guess who makes the perfect subject?
Say it with me.
[ALL] Cannon Capital Strategies.
So, please, at least try to
look like you're busy, okay?
- I'm looking at you, Jimmy. [LAUGHS]
- [JIMMY LAUGHS]
[JORDAN] One of the most interesting
things about Cannon Capital is,
even though we're
located here in Manhattan,
we're best known for our work in
China and Japan and South Korea.
And so to do business in those time
zones, we have to work nights
[CHUCKLING] which makes
for some pretty weird hours.
Uh, but if you wanna
compete in the Asia markets,
you've got to work
Asia hours, and we do.
[COLIN LAUGHS]
That sounds fun.
Yeah. And it's not just the music.
Latin jazz has a whole culture.
The musicians, they always
greet each other with hugs
and sometimes they come
hug the audience members.
There's no such thing as an Irish
goodbye at a Latin jazz club.
[COLIN LAUGHS]
Pull over.
Yeah, he's friendly.
I'd say he's a tasty bit of eye candy.
I like that he's outgoing
and easy to talk to.
It doesn't matter about
that. He's just a donkey.
- Well.
- I'm not wild about his infatuation
with Latin jazz, but I can find that
area of the brain and just eliminate it.
- How do you do that?
- Just get an ice pick and wiggle it about.
Hmm.
Let's get home. Hello.
Bill, Bill, Bill,
Bill, can I have a word?
Did you fix the flat?
Well, Bill, it's a
good-news, bad-news situation.
The good news is, you don't
have to pay for the ride.
Okay. What's the bad news?
[SAW WHIRRING]
Oh, hey. Uh, I can
actually take Jordan's mail.
- Oh, okay.
- I'm his assistant, Wendy. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, hey, Wendy. I'm Guillermo.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- You know, I started in the mail room too.
- Oh, really?
[NADJA] Guillermo must
excel at this new job
because if it doesn't go
as smoothly as he hopes,
that little bouncing bitch
will blame us for his failings,
and then he will kill us.
After that, it was just
knowing what Jordan wants
before he knows what
he wants, so [LAUGHS]
Wow, that's pretty good advice.
[NADJA] Someone needed to take action,
and that someone, as usual, is me.
I was kind of an assistant
myself for a little bit.
I mean, not for a
little bit. For a while.
But, you know, it's
always weird to like
Wow, she is quick. [CHUCKLES]
Also, I needed a new project.
And now I get to try out
my regular human behavior.
[CLEARS THROAT] Since
switching to medium roast,
I'm sleepin' so much better.
Uncanny!
Wendy took off again.
So, it would be great if I could
get you to hop on to Jordan's desk.
Wow. Really?
So, it turns out that the finance
world is a lot easier than Panera Bread.
I guess the powers that be
heard that I was absolutely
crushing it [LAUGHS]
in the mail room,
and now I'm an assistant.
Since the time of the
great philosophers,
man has dreamed of bringing
life to a lifeless vessel.
- Spitting in the face of his creator
- [SPITS] Mm-hmm.
- thus becoming a creator himself.
- [COLIN] Mm-hmm.
Which brings me to alchemy.
Yeah, yeah. [STAMMERS]
Just flip the switch.
[GROANS]
- [THUNDERCLAP]
- [GRUNTS]
[YELLS]
- [LASZLO] Here. Oh.
- [GROWLS]
He's just a little excited.
Pain too much. Kill me.
Flip the switch!
Don't be hasty. Let's hear him out.
Flip the fucking switch, Colin Robinson!
Huh? I It's hard to
hear with everything going.
- Do you want me to flip the
- [CHOKING]
[LASZLO] Yeah!
Oh.
Sorry, I couldn't
I just couldn't hear.
That was amazing. Moving
around and everything.
Now I remember why I've
abandoned this project.
The sudden jolt of total
consciousness is too much,
even for the dullest of brutes.
And the creature's response to
such a sensory overload is violence.
Pity.
W-What are you No, Laszlo, don't.
This is not a conversation,
Colin Robinson.
This creature will destroy us,
so we must destroy it first.
Sometimes a scientist must admit
defeat. Them's are the breaks.
Uh, what else? We got
Adrian Bellamy from
the Essex Fund coming in later today.
You ready to reel in that whale, Ryan?
- You know it, baby.
- You set 'em up, I knock 'em down.
- [IMITATES GUN FIRING]
- [IMITATES GUN FIRING]
[JORDAN] Here's the deal with
Bellamy. He's very particular.
- [RYAN] Copy.
- I want everybody in this room
to be on their A game.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
If we do not want Guillermo to crack,
then his progress in the
human world must be monitored.
So someone needed to take action.
And as usual, that someone is me.
So, let's just show
him a lot of attention.
You got it.
I have to I have to
go. Sorry. Excuse me.
[STAMMERS] Doesn't matter.
[WHISPERS] Nandor, what
the hell are you doing here?
I am patrolling for spills.
Such is my janitorial duty.
[WHISPERS] This is my life
and my job. You can't be here.
But I am an employee of Cannon
Capital now, which makes us coworkers.
Excuse me.
[CHUCKLES] You know, the only time
I set the bar as low as you, Gary,
is for limbo. [LAUGHS]
- You kill me.
- [GARY LAUGHS]
Mmm. Mama's go-go juice. [LAUGHING]
[NANDOR] Nadja?
- Oh, shit.
- You're here too.
[WHISPERS] Someone needed
to keep a close eye on you.
Yes, that was my thinking also.
What a merry mix-up.
Spill o'clock. Excuse me.
So you could pick any job,
Nandor, and you went with janitor.
Yes. What's wrong with that?
There are many things I've learned
as a janitor at Cannon Capital.
[NANDOR] The key to making money
on Wall Street is to keep a tidy office.
Nobody wants cold coffees on their desk,
so empty them while they're still hot.
There's nothing wrong
with being a janitor.
- I get to wander the corridors freely.
- [NADJA GROANS]
Everyone loves greeting Jan-Dee.
I'm gonna ask you both
No, I'm gonna tell you.
Go back to Staten Island because
I just recently got a big promotion
and I can't have you two messing it up.
Hmm. I wonder how you
got that big promotion.
Straight from the mail
room to Jordan's desk
just because Wendy stopped showing up.
Huh.
Make no mistake, Guillermo.
Without me, you are the cow that
carries the corpses to the burn pit.
With me, you are the prize pig
who gets to eat with the mayor
and his big-titted wife. [HISSES]
Yes. And I have also helped
with Guillermo's ascension.
No, you haven't. You clean up shit.
- And piss.
- [WHISPERS] Enough.
All right? Enough. Just leave me alone.
I don't need your help to
succeed. Leave me alone.
- Ungrateful.
- Hey. [STAMMERS]
He is clearly flailing. We
need to keep coming here.
Yes, he needs us now more than ever.
[COLIN] I couldn't stop
thinking about the Monster.
Laszlo was a little too
quick to give up on him.
So I decided to take
matters into my own hands.
You'll get what I mean
by that joke in a second.
It's really good. Yeah, just wait.
I've been doing some
independent research,
and I've come to the realization
that the Monster's acting
up and smashing things
is a result of a faulty body part,
namely, his hand his hands.
Now you know what I-I meant
earlier in my interview
when I said "into my own hands."
Uh, the joke I had made.
This guy was a recreational
baseball player.
One home run, two doubles and a walk.
What the fuck are you doing?
Just give me a chance. All right?
That thing is far too dangerous.
It's not perfect, but I
can train him. I know I can.
I've learned so much about
science just hanging around you.
Another young scientist inspired.
First, Mr. Oppenheimer,
and now Colin Robinson.
Exactly. I just I
need a little more time.
If it's time you want,
then time you shall have.
- [SIGHS]
- [LASZLO CHUCKLES]
I fear this damn fool doesn't
understand the dangers or the risks.
But every scientist has gotta
learn each lesson for himself.
If he's not careful,
I fear this whole thing
could turn into a Monster Mash
or worse still, a graveyard smash.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
Welcome, Mr. Bellamy.
- Hey. Uh
- Oh.
Never mind the cameras.
We're just getting some behind-the-scenes
videotape for Herb Allen
for his next conference
in the Sun Valley.
Cathy, my love, could you plop
Mr. Bellamy in
Conference Room A, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you very much.
Very good. Plop we go. [CHUCKLES]
[COUNTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Ry-Dog, where the hell have you
been? Bellamy's here already, man.
These fucking fobs.
Hey, Bryce. Wanna pause the
sudoku and get on this shit?
I'm sorry.
Untwist your knickers, my love.
Bellamy is on 25, Conference Room B.
- Go up. Hurry. Shoo.
- Uh Yep.
You can do this,
Ry-Dog. I believe in you.
[CHUCKLES] This little bitch.
[NADJA CLEARS THROAT]
[WHISPERS] Stop touching things.
Adrian Bellamy, aka the whale.
You have five minutes to
learn everything about him
and then meet him in Conference Room A.
[WHISPERS] Don't fuck it up.
- [WHISPERS] Bellamy. Seriously?
- [NADJA] Huh.
Wait. No. I need that.
Take two.
[GRUNTING]
Nice and easy. Easy-breezy.
You know, having a secret
handshake with a close buddy
has always been a dream of mine.
There, there. All right.
- [GRUNTS]
- No.
- Ow. Ow.
- [BONE CRACKING]
- Ow. Ow! [GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS]
[CRASHING]
Don't worry. It It hurts
worse than it looks. [CHUCKLES]
- [GRUNTING]
- Gotta get back on the horse though.
Giddyap. Whew. Yeehaw!
Hook 'em Horns. Take three.
- [GRUNTS, GROWLS]
- [SCREAMS]
Mr. Bellamy. I'm sorry.
Have you been waiting long?
I am so sorry about that.
Let me, uh Let me
refresh your drink here.
Don't know what's taking Ryan so long.
I'm sure he'll be here any minute.
Yeah, I love to get hydrated at work,
especially if I'm gonna
get sloshed tonight
[CHUCKLES]
at, uh, Zero Bond.
You club?
Yeah. Yeah, I love to club.
You can learn a lot
from someone's Instagram.
Like Mr. Bellamy, he loves
partying at Zero Bond.
If I'm not clubbing, I'm here.
If I'm here, I'm not clubbing. So
I'd rather be clubbing. [CHUCKLES]
[GUILLERMO] Loves commenting
on supermodels' posts.
- Total smoke show.
- Oh, yeah.
- And she's got the [SWALLOWS]
- Yes, sir.
Loves the clean lines of the new Rivian.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, and he also, uh, tags his
ex-wife in all his kids' pictures
because, you know,
they're on good terms. That's nice.
Next month, you, me and
a clay court in Montauk.
You got it. Oh.
Adrian. Hi. How we doing in here?
Good. Excited to see
what you got for me.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
He's gonna be in the meeting, yeah?
- Well, I
- Need at least one guy
who knows what the
fuck he's talking about.
[LAUGHING]
All right, whatever you say.
- [BELLAMY] Good.
- You're in.
- [BELLAMY] Oh, good.
- [JORDAN] Sure.
She said, "That's why you're not
allowed in the sauna anymore."
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- [JORDAN] Good to have you down here, man.
- Absolutely.
I'm gonna give you a call tomorrow
to follow up. It's been a real pleasure.
- Sounds good. G-Man.
- Boom.
We gotta get you out to the island too.
- [BELLAMY] Good.
- What was your name again?
- Guillermo.
- Guillermo.
Well, congratulations, Guillermo.
You've just replaced Ryan.
You're an analyst, bud.
The fuck is he anyway?
Hey, Ryan. Where the fuck are you?
Have you guys seen Ryan?
The fuck is that guy, right?
I'm sure he's over here, bud.
Oh.
- [JORDAN] What the
- Oh, hey, guys. Sorry, Ryan here is, um
Yeah, he's-he's been going hard
on the Adderall for a while now.
Hey, you can't use this. All right?
You do not have my permission
to use this footage.
Delete the file if you're watching this.
- Ryan. Hey. Wake up, bro. Come on.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Jordan, say no more.
- Huh?
I will take care of this. I'm
on it. I will get rid of Ryan.
Oh, great. Let him down easy, all right?
He's getting married in a couple months.
I will do this now. Not your problem.
Okay. Well, thanks. I like you.
- [NADJA LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
[NADJA] Oh.
What's not to like? [CHUCKLES]
[WHISPERS] Are you kidding me?
Come on.
Do you know how hard it is to
get blood off of unsealed marble?
I'm not hearing the
words, um, "Thank you."
I told you I don't need
your help, all right?
I wanna earn my way up the ladder.
So, I killed some
rando with an overpriced
MBA so you could get in the room.
Which I didn't ask you to do.
I didn't ask you to do that.
But you were the one that
impressed the rich large whale, huh?
And Jordan noticed.
- That's kind of true.
- See?
Yeah, I was pretty
annoyed at first that Nadja
and Nandor completely ignored
me and came back to Cannon but
- It's better.
- I decided to let them stay if
they promise no more funny business.
[CHUCKLES] Like murder.
Bye-bye, Ryan.
Going back into the human
world can be so overwhelming.
So many things to get used to.
And it's kind of nice to see
a familiar face. [CHUCKLES]
Familiar. [CHUCKLES]
"Welcome to the big show." Ed Sullivan.
I think you will be pleasantly surprised
by how far the Monster has come.
Uh, Monster, can I have
you come out here, please?
Oh, let's get ready to see what
the, uh, Monster can do now!
Fantastic. Monster, can we have a,
uh, friendly introduction out of you?
Friend. Friend. Friend.
- Employer, but very close.
- [GROWLS]
Oh, I'd never say I'm on par
with Laszlo as a scientist.
But I-I do think I have one
quality that the old pistol lacks,
which is patience.
[LATIN JAZZ PLAYING]
[COLIN] So, I just took some time
and met the Monster where he was at.
- Come on, buddy.
- [GRUNTS]
You know, turn down the
volume and listen to his tempo,
which happens to be a Latin jazz rhythm.
- That is a book.
- Book.
That is a magnifying glass.
Magnify. [GRUNTS]
- Uh, doodad.
- Doodad. [GRUNTS]
Jar of brains or bull's testicles.
- [GRUNTING]
- That's just a light.
- You gotta let them learn by doing.
- Light.
- Huh?
- That is a Tesla coil.
[GROANS]
Don't. Yeah. Don't.
Some people say I'm an acquired
taste, and, I don't know,
maybe the Monster just needed
someone to know that he is too.
- Good job. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- And now on to the pièce de résistance.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
I believe that with time and care,
I have removed the
Monster's impulse to harm.
Observe.
Hmm. Now we're getting serious.
The Monster will now delicately
hold this mouse gently
in his hand without crushing him.
Protection over pain.
That's a remarkable
start, Colin Robinson.
I'll admit I was skeptical,
but you've turned this
experiment from shit to champagne
and yourself into a man of science.
With our combined efforts, we
can take this Monster to the top.
So, we can keep him?
- Oh, yes.
- Oh. Awesome sauce.
Great work, fellas. Well done.
Oh, don't you do that. [LAUGHS]
I bid you gents good evening. [CHUCKLES]
Good night.
- You did great. [CHUCKLES]
- [MUFFLED] Mmm, did great.
- [GRUNTING]
- Oh, what's in your mouth? Oh, no.
No, Monster. Out.
Ew. Well, it's okay. Even
monsters make mistakes
No, Monster. Leave it.
- Monster, leave it. Ugh.
- [CRUNCHING]
Screw it. Monster can
have a mouse as a treat,
but we're not making a habit of it.
[LATIN JAZZ PLAYING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]