Workaholics s06e02 Episode Script
Meth Head Actor
[coughing.]
All right, guys.
Put some pep in your step, 'cause I want to get some good seats.
- Whoo! - Yeah, dude.
Hey, no spoilers, but this thing's supposed to have it all.
Blood, sugar, sex, magic.
Hey, if you guys figure it out, do not tell me, because I want to be surprised.
Sometimes I don't figure it out until the ride home or until a few hours later.
Or honestly, sometimes it helps if you guys just tell me what happened.
Uh, my man, three for "The People vs.
Dom Dierkes" murder trial, please, and we're students.
Uh, guys, we don't have a student discount, and we don't sell tickets.
- Oh, okay.
- Also, and I don't feel like doing this, but you aren't giving me a choice.
I have to arrest you.
Yeah, I don't think so, man.
I didn't vote.
So I don't think I could be arrested.
I can smell you through the glass.
You have a joint behind your ear.
- Do I? - Yeah.
- Yeah, that's my bad.
- Jesus.
And that guy is holding a bong.
Oh.
This actually isn't a bong.
It isKombucha.
Drink it.
- Some new--new age stuff.
- Yeah.
Yoga people drink it, so--and I'm one of them.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
It's thick.
Mr.
DeMamp, you've got more DUIs than my grandson can count up to.
Oh, no.
Did he have, like, an accident? 'Cause I heard--like, this one construction worker got a bolt in his head, and then he couldn't count.
He's three, you dummy.
Now, my point is, that the only thing you've accomplished is getting arrested for being an idiot.
Is that what you want your legacy to be? And you, you look like every other self-centered, dope-smoking kid with your-- with your cool T-shirt and your pervert mustache.
I look weird without it, but thank you for the compliment on the T-shirt.
That's very sweet of you.
When was the last time you did something for someone else rather than smoking that damn hashish? And you, you look like you could actually be an upstanding citizen.
Thank you.
What do you want to do with your life, son? Uh, well, sir, one day I hope to be city councilman.
Well, there's a war on drugs out there, and you're on the wrong side of it.
I want the three of you to go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, and perhaps getting a firsthand look at how drugs rip people's lives apart will do you some good.
Thank you, honorable Judge "Browntown.
" Judge, I just want you to know I'm gonna take full advantage of these N.
A.
classes.
Well, I'm glad to hear that, son.
Yeah, I'm gonna go undercover and sniff out some primo intel for you.
Hopefully we can put an end to this Rancho drug war once and for all, right? Do not do that.
Right side of the law.
- I'm doing it, yeah.
- No, don't.
[sighs.]
I need to smoke some weed.
Court-mandated meetings, am I right? What are you in for, bud? Ah, I'm actually just observing the meeting.
I'm a journalist.
Oh, well, I dream journal, so-- No, I'm--I'm a reporter for "VICE" magazine.
I'm writing a story about meth abuse.
To be perfectly honest, I'm looking for an addict that would agree to be profiled.
See you guys in the meeting.
[gentle chimes playing.]
Yes, you will.
Got a large group tonight.
Whoo! Yeah, recovery! Welcome, my name's Tim, and, uh, when I first walked through the doors-- Dude, I just figured out what I'm gonna do to, like, have my legacy be badass.
My face on the cover of "VICE" magazine.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But the only thing is, is that guy wants a crazy meth head.
Mm-hmm.
You just occasionally smoke weed.
Except for every day and at night, also.
Yeah, I'm just saying, all you've ever done is weed and, you know, beer and mushrooms and acid and, you know, ecstasy, Molly - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Some lean, sizzurp.
- Yep.
- But other than that Did you say something? Would you like to come up and share? I'm--I'm cool.
I'm not an addict.
[scoffs.]
Okay.
If that's what your heart believes.
Come on! I don't have a problem, okay? I'm fine! Can we go, please? I need to smoke a bowl.
No, I'm gonna stay here.
I have work to do.
Okay, yeah, I gotta go.
I gotta get some fresh air really quick.
[chill music.]
Dang, what's up with all these snacks? [awkward laugh.]
What's up, man? I'm Shaunders.
Good to meet you, dude.
Can you believe these marks in there? Talking about, "I wanna get high.
" "I wish I was still high.
" [bleep.]
, go get high! Know what I mean? But I'll tell you what.
I, uh, probably gonna need something a little stronger than this coffee if I'ma get through this meeting; for real, though.
Do you have a hookup? Are you seriously asking me for drugs at a N.
A.
meeting? Did I stutter? Dude, I've been sober for eight months.
Oh, you gonna take it personal, okay.
Please, man, you look like a old-ass, whack Peter Pan, so, like, [buzzes.]
.
Hey, "fyi," normally what I say here, I want to stay here, but if any of this lands in "VICE" magazine I'm actually looking for someone who's in the grip of addiction, struggling to get out.
You seem like you're getting your life together.
Linda: My name is Linda.
I went to that bar, Ed's Jug House, to score, and I left my kids alone in the car.
Social Services took them from me, and now I just want to see my kids again.
[crying.]
[crying.]
Oh, God! Oh, you could sit down, 'cause that actually-- sit down right now-- 'cause that inspired me.
I recently lost myself to meth once again, and just like this girl who seems like she has it all together now and is fully on the road to recovery, I was also at Ed's Jug House, and I I ate a puppy.
And on top of that, I, uh sucked a bunch of [bleep.]
.
I'm good at it, so I could just really get in there and just [gagging.]
Big ones, small ones, girthy ones, ones that looked like it had, like, alopecia.
And that's my story.
[chill music.]
Did I miss anything? Psych! I hate this shit.
I'm out the game.
It's been a long time.
I'm trying to hop back in, so I'm wondering if you got any connects.
It ain't smart to be asking questions about Zippo.
Zip--Zippo? You say Zippo? You tell Zippo Shaunders.
Just need a smoke, man.
Jeez, get off my back.
I can't--I can't-- I can't do this.
Mr.
Buckley? Yeah--no.
[laughing.]
It is you! What? Oh, hi.
- Wow, Mr.
Buckley, hey.
- Can I help you? I haven't seen you since drama camp.
- It's me, it's Blake Henderson.
- Oh, yes.
I, uh, I was Lenny's, uh, understudy's backup's stand-in.
Okay, yes, yeah, and you were wonderful.
- Wonderful performance.
- What are you doing? You, uh, going-- going into the meeting, or? I just can't seem to drag myself in there.
They're such dreaded affairs, aren't they? Well, now that I have you here, I'd love to just pick your brain about acting, right? Get it--just write it in my little notebook.
Well, write this down.
All right.
"Give it up.
" What, you quit? I mean, you're like, basically the main reason I am an actor, I mean, ever since I saw the play you wrote, uh, "McBreath.
" I curse you, Jen D'Angelo.
- Yeah! - Yes, I wrote it, yeah.
Um, I'm afraid there was a little bit of an incident at my last run of "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" at the Rancho Playhouse.
And I really don't want to talk about it, but it was good to see you.
Oh, my gosh, what happened? I know you don't want to talk about it, but what happened? Several of the actors refused to call me by my character's name offstage, which, for a method actor as I am-- that was unacceptable.
- Oh, right.
- I wound up striking several of those children repeatedly.
Oh, that's dumb.
Yeah, I know, I-- I mean, of the kids.
Yes, and then of course once acting was taken away from me, I turned to drugs.
They were the only thing that gave me that high that once, the stage gave me.
You know, I want to do you a favor.
Thank you.
All right.
Excuse me, Linda-- No, hey, hey! Hey, so you probably want to write that article about me, right? After you heard the shocking and scandalous tale that I justspoke upon? Actually, Linda's story spoke to me a lot.
- Linda's did? - Yeah.
But she didn't suck a ton of little [bleep.]
in her story.
Yeah, listen, Adam, you seem a little thick in the middle for a meth addict, to be honest with you.
Okay, well, this is a safe place, so shut up.
I gotta talk to Linda.
Oh, God.
- What are you doing? - Oh, God! Oh, your hateful words! It's a trigger.
It's a--it's a trigger for me, and I'm gonna go do meth.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Did I upset you that much? Nothing that a little meth won't fix, and that's what I'm gonna go do right now.
Bye-bye, Linda.
I'm doing meth.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Actually, Adam, would you mind if I follow along? If you're gonna do meth, I actually would like to get a firsthand look at that if you-- you don't mind me shadowing you.
So you want to do the article about me? - I mean, maybe-- - Yes! Yeah, okay, come on.
Let's ride.
My condolences for your children.
That was a sad story.
Mine was more sad, though.
Whoo! Huh? Pretty cool, huh? - No, no, no, no.
- Come on, I wanna show you something.
Come on.
Jesus, are you kidding me? Come on.
Guys, I'm sorry, but you can't be in here.
We've got rehearsal in about five minutes.
And I need but four, okay? This is Mr.
Buckley, Rancho Cucamonga acting legend.
- Have you heard of him? - No.
Well, we would like to perform a scene from his play, which I'm sure you've heard of, "McBreath.
" Fine.
Excellent.
[laughs.]
Wh--wh--what are you doing? All right, everybody.
Um, I will be playing the role of Angela, and he shall be playing the role of McBreath, our hero.
Our scene starts in a crowded bus.
Angela enters.
[as Angela.]
Excuse me, pardon me.
Blake, I can't do this.
Oh, excuse me, pardon me.
I can't do this without drugs.
Excuse me! Excuse me.
Here, take my seat.
Oh, you are too kind.
I'm Angela.
I'm Leonard, Angela, but everyone calls me McBreath.
McBreath? In seventh grade, we played spin the bottle, and it landed on Jen D'Angelo.
We kissed, and then she told me my breath smelled like McDonald's cheeseburgers.
Then she got everyone to chant, "McBreath, McBreath, McBreath!" I curse you, Jen D'Angelo! I curse you with all the venom of my heart! I hate you.
I hate you, I hate you! - Okay.
- Oh, God.
Well, I like cheeseburgers.
And I think the name McBreath is cool.
You do? Let me smell your breath, McBreath.
If you must.
[breathing heavily.]
Mmm.
I'm loving it.
Wait, so McBreath isn't even, like, a take-off on "Macbeth"? It's an original piece.
Not everything has to be a remake.
Ders: Yo, boss.
You still got a thirst for putting away bad guys? 'Cause I got the name of the biggest drug dealer in Rancho.
Zippo.
Zippo Tomlin? Yeah, I think so.
Son, do you even know who Tomlin is? I--I know I'm getting bits and pieces of information.
He's the leader of the most brutal biker gang in the state.
Now, do you know how he got the nickname Zippo? From one of his two best friends that he lives with.
- I don't think so, son.
- Okay.
It's because he likes to set people on fire.
Oh, my God.
Dude's dick burned off! - That was a woman.
- She naked? - Yes, she was.
- Sick.
I mean, that's sick.
That is sick.
Yes, it is, son.
Unless you want to have a massive skin graft, I suggest you stop playing dress-up! Yes, sir, but it was an honor to work for you, sir.
- Shut up, you twit.
- Okay.
[suspenseful music.]
[phone line trilling.]
Yeah, listen.
Just a heads up.
There's some annoying kid that might give us a small problem.
Keep an eye on him.
Get in the [bleep.]
van.
Zippo wants to see you.
Like, seven or eight dicks.
- What up? - That's how many that I've-- - Hey, what up? - That's so many.
Yeah, that's a lot, you know.
Hey, uh, I don't know if you wanted to take a shower, but my old teacher's using it, so just give him a minute.
That is weird, but I actually don't have time, 'cause I'm scrounging up money to buy meth.
Mm, okay.
Can I talk to you for a second? Found one.
Okay, "VICE" guy, let's roll.
We buying meth! Ooh.
Oh, I'm getting that pre-meth jitters, baby, let's roll! Seems stupid.
Seems really dumb.
You're enabling him! Whoo! I needed that scrub-down.
Oh, I borrowed somebody's grizzled toothbrush, but it was way better than the Taco Bell napkins I've been brushing my teeth with.
Okay, I'll let Ders know.
Hey, Mr.
Buckley, I have the perfect role.
No audition required.
- My kind of role.
- Okay.
What do you think of this? The role of kind of a seedy, dark, meth dealer.
Is this a new piece they're opening at the Rancho Playhouse? No, no, Ed's Jug House, the bar.
Okay, a Jug House meth dealer, yes, yes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, so-- - That is a challenge.
- Yeah, yeah.
- This is a good role.
I could really sink my teeth into this.
Great, I'll, uh, pay for your new headshots.
I'll take them if you want.
If anybody tries to take my picture, I'll break their face, you understand me? - Mm-hmm.
- And who is this Mr.
Buckley character? They call me Johnny Glass.
Mr.
Glass it is, sure.
Whoo! [laughs.]
I told my boss that some cop was looking for him, and he wants to meet you.
You think I'm a cop? Oh, my God, thank you.
You don't know what that means to me, man.
I'm not a cop.
I work in phone sales like a dummy.
[menacing laughter.]
Zippo's gonna have fun with you.
Yo, Kaner, take us around back.
Whoo! Come on, aren't you guys excited? Whoo! This is outlaw shit! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Come on! Okay, listen up.
You wanna get high? Real high? This shit will get you higher than God's frozen semen.
Ooh, whoa.
That's so high.
That's ridiculous.
That's how high I wanna be.
So what I have here is 16 smackeroos, so if I could get $16 worth of meth.
What? That's not enough money for my meth.
I'm sorry, what do you think this is? Rock candy? I'm selling meth! I want it.
Cough up some more, kid, and we're in business.
I'll do anything for the meth.
Okay, then, you can work the rest out on my [bleep.]
.
[zips.]
Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'm going--ow! You stepped on my foot.
Heard you've been asking about the Zip.
Boss, I heard he was a cop.
- No? - Mm-hmm.
I also heard that you're a cop.
Yeah, he just told you I was a cop, but I'm not, okay? And I'm actually flattered you guys think I'm a cop.
Trust me, I'm not.
You give me one of those vests, let's go carjack.
Let's go ride or die, man, I'll be like, "You mean-mugging me? I'm mean-muggin you, my--my man, my ma--" Shh, silence.
I was just showing you what I can do.
I will cutty cut you.
Have at it, kid.
- Okay, uh - Yeah.
Maybe take it to the bathroom, or-- You know what? On second thought, I want this to be great for you, so I'm gonna go to the restroom and stretch my jaw out by stuffing it full of toilet paper.
That's how I give a good hummer.
Oh, you ain't going anywhere, round boy.
Round boy? You see, we don't really like cops around here, man.
Not at Ed's Jug House, you understand? I know, I promise you I'm a regular normal guy-- Mr.
Buckley: Hey, you suck [bleep.]
[bleep.]
.
I work at a regular job with an outdated business model.
Mr.
Buckley: Then we got a double [bleep.]
suck it up at this bitch! Suck somebody's [bleep.]
? What is going on out there? You suck my [bleep.]
, and you get the balls, okay? Who in the [bleep.]
are you? Who in the [bleep.]
are you? Zippo.
Who in the [bleep.]
are you? Johnny Glass! Ders, hey! Do you have any money that I could borrow? Yeah, Ders, who are these guys? This is Zippo.
He's, like, a meth kingpin.
These are his friends.
They like to light people on fire, for real.
How do you chumps know this cop? Who's this dipshit taking pictures? - He's with me.
- And for the last time, I'm not a cop, okay? Obviously, I should probably be one.
I mean, you should see me frisk.
Okay, stop.
Wait, hold on.
All right, let's get out of here.
I think this is, like, real life, Mr.
Buckley.
Let's go.
I am Johnny Glass! Ugh! Ow! Johnny Glass.
[laughs.]
Oh, is that funny to you? Nobody sells around here unless I say so.
- Oh, is that so? - Nobody gets their [bleep.]
sucked in here, unless the Big Z, Zippo, says so.
Yeah, I'm with Zippo on that one.
Shut the [bleep.]
up! Shut the [bleep.]
up, and you shut the [bleep.]
up.
Why don't you say this? "Can I suck your [bleep.]
?" - Excuse me? - You heard me.
Here's a little coming attraction of what's gonna shoot out.
You mother--ah! Oh! [laughs.]
Get down, you little bitches.
Come on, get down, okay.
'Cause this is my day! This is my territory! [high-pitched scream.]
Oh, my God! That was a real knife.
Can some--can we talk to the prop master? Here, take this.
The wad is blown, the wad is blown.
[police siren blaring.]
Don't move, Zippo! - You're under arrest.
- Get your hands up! How could you do me like that, Sandman? Supposed to be me and you, brother.
I got your daughter a bounce house, man! Take it out, take it out, take it out.
Ow, ow, ow, don't wiggle it, don't wiggle it! - Don't-- - Ah! Well, it was a little scary, but also an honor, your honor, to help bring down the biggest drug kingpin in Rancho.
- We did it.
- Yeah, I think we can honestly say that we're better people for it.
And I know for a fact, now we're better friends.
- Yes.
- Yeah, we are.
Well, I'm glad you got something out of it, because you just blew a six-year undercover operation that was trying to take out an entire international cartel! If anything, Rancho's meth problem will only get worse.
There will be a power struggle to replace Zippo, which will lead to a drug war.
And I want you boys to be fully aware that there is blood on your hands.
Hmm, okay.
That seems a little - It does.
- Just a little bit harsh.
- Dramatic? - Yeah.
I mean, we were just smoking weed.
You could've wrote us a fine, instead of this whole stupid shenanigan.
Get the hell out of here! - Okay.
- All right.
Thank you, Judge "Browntown.
" It's Brownton! Is it? Ladies and gentlemen, we invite you to please take your seats as the thrilling conclusion of Attention Whore, the Adam DeMamp's story, begins now.
Why people no love me? Maybe if I pretend to do methamphetamine drugs then people would love me.
This is my legacy.
DeMamp Camp! Nice!&
All right, guys.
Put some pep in your step, 'cause I want to get some good seats.
- Whoo! - Yeah, dude.
Hey, no spoilers, but this thing's supposed to have it all.
Blood, sugar, sex, magic.
Hey, if you guys figure it out, do not tell me, because I want to be surprised.
Sometimes I don't figure it out until the ride home or until a few hours later.
Or honestly, sometimes it helps if you guys just tell me what happened.
Uh, my man, three for "The People vs.
Dom Dierkes" murder trial, please, and we're students.
Uh, guys, we don't have a student discount, and we don't sell tickets.
- Oh, okay.
- Also, and I don't feel like doing this, but you aren't giving me a choice.
I have to arrest you.
Yeah, I don't think so, man.
I didn't vote.
So I don't think I could be arrested.
I can smell you through the glass.
You have a joint behind your ear.
- Do I? - Yeah.
- Yeah, that's my bad.
- Jesus.
And that guy is holding a bong.
Oh.
This actually isn't a bong.
It isKombucha.
Drink it.
- Some new--new age stuff.
- Yeah.
Yoga people drink it, so--and I'm one of them.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
It's thick.
Mr.
DeMamp, you've got more DUIs than my grandson can count up to.
Oh, no.
Did he have, like, an accident? 'Cause I heard--like, this one construction worker got a bolt in his head, and then he couldn't count.
He's three, you dummy.
Now, my point is, that the only thing you've accomplished is getting arrested for being an idiot.
Is that what you want your legacy to be? And you, you look like every other self-centered, dope-smoking kid with your-- with your cool T-shirt and your pervert mustache.
I look weird without it, but thank you for the compliment on the T-shirt.
That's very sweet of you.
When was the last time you did something for someone else rather than smoking that damn hashish? And you, you look like you could actually be an upstanding citizen.
Thank you.
What do you want to do with your life, son? Uh, well, sir, one day I hope to be city councilman.
Well, there's a war on drugs out there, and you're on the wrong side of it.
I want the three of you to go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, and perhaps getting a firsthand look at how drugs rip people's lives apart will do you some good.
Thank you, honorable Judge "Browntown.
" Judge, I just want you to know I'm gonna take full advantage of these N.
A.
classes.
Well, I'm glad to hear that, son.
Yeah, I'm gonna go undercover and sniff out some primo intel for you.
Hopefully we can put an end to this Rancho drug war once and for all, right? Do not do that.
Right side of the law.
- I'm doing it, yeah.
- No, don't.
[sighs.]
I need to smoke some weed.
Court-mandated meetings, am I right? What are you in for, bud? Ah, I'm actually just observing the meeting.
I'm a journalist.
Oh, well, I dream journal, so-- No, I'm--I'm a reporter for "VICE" magazine.
I'm writing a story about meth abuse.
To be perfectly honest, I'm looking for an addict that would agree to be profiled.
See you guys in the meeting.
[gentle chimes playing.]
Yes, you will.
Got a large group tonight.
Whoo! Yeah, recovery! Welcome, my name's Tim, and, uh, when I first walked through the doors-- Dude, I just figured out what I'm gonna do to, like, have my legacy be badass.
My face on the cover of "VICE" magazine.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But the only thing is, is that guy wants a crazy meth head.
Mm-hmm.
You just occasionally smoke weed.
Except for every day and at night, also.
Yeah, I'm just saying, all you've ever done is weed and, you know, beer and mushrooms and acid and, you know, ecstasy, Molly - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Some lean, sizzurp.
- Yep.
- But other than that Did you say something? Would you like to come up and share? I'm--I'm cool.
I'm not an addict.
[scoffs.]
Okay.
If that's what your heart believes.
Come on! I don't have a problem, okay? I'm fine! Can we go, please? I need to smoke a bowl.
No, I'm gonna stay here.
I have work to do.
Okay, yeah, I gotta go.
I gotta get some fresh air really quick.
[chill music.]
Dang, what's up with all these snacks? [awkward laugh.]
What's up, man? I'm Shaunders.
Good to meet you, dude.
Can you believe these marks in there? Talking about, "I wanna get high.
" "I wish I was still high.
" [bleep.]
, go get high! Know what I mean? But I'll tell you what.
I, uh, probably gonna need something a little stronger than this coffee if I'ma get through this meeting; for real, though.
Do you have a hookup? Are you seriously asking me for drugs at a N.
A.
meeting? Did I stutter? Dude, I've been sober for eight months.
Oh, you gonna take it personal, okay.
Please, man, you look like a old-ass, whack Peter Pan, so, like, [buzzes.]
.
Hey, "fyi," normally what I say here, I want to stay here, but if any of this lands in "VICE" magazine I'm actually looking for someone who's in the grip of addiction, struggling to get out.
You seem like you're getting your life together.
Linda: My name is Linda.
I went to that bar, Ed's Jug House, to score, and I left my kids alone in the car.
Social Services took them from me, and now I just want to see my kids again.
[crying.]
[crying.]
Oh, God! Oh, you could sit down, 'cause that actually-- sit down right now-- 'cause that inspired me.
I recently lost myself to meth once again, and just like this girl who seems like she has it all together now and is fully on the road to recovery, I was also at Ed's Jug House, and I I ate a puppy.
And on top of that, I, uh sucked a bunch of [bleep.]
.
I'm good at it, so I could just really get in there and just [gagging.]
Big ones, small ones, girthy ones, ones that looked like it had, like, alopecia.
And that's my story.
[chill music.]
Did I miss anything? Psych! I hate this shit.
I'm out the game.
It's been a long time.
I'm trying to hop back in, so I'm wondering if you got any connects.
It ain't smart to be asking questions about Zippo.
Zip--Zippo? You say Zippo? You tell Zippo Shaunders.
Just need a smoke, man.
Jeez, get off my back.
I can't--I can't-- I can't do this.
Mr.
Buckley? Yeah--no.
[laughing.]
It is you! What? Oh, hi.
- Wow, Mr.
Buckley, hey.
- Can I help you? I haven't seen you since drama camp.
- It's me, it's Blake Henderson.
- Oh, yes.
I, uh, I was Lenny's, uh, understudy's backup's stand-in.
Okay, yes, yeah, and you were wonderful.
- Wonderful performance.
- What are you doing? You, uh, going-- going into the meeting, or? I just can't seem to drag myself in there.
They're such dreaded affairs, aren't they? Well, now that I have you here, I'd love to just pick your brain about acting, right? Get it--just write it in my little notebook.
Well, write this down.
All right.
"Give it up.
" What, you quit? I mean, you're like, basically the main reason I am an actor, I mean, ever since I saw the play you wrote, uh, "McBreath.
" I curse you, Jen D'Angelo.
- Yeah! - Yes, I wrote it, yeah.
Um, I'm afraid there was a little bit of an incident at my last run of "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" at the Rancho Playhouse.
And I really don't want to talk about it, but it was good to see you.
Oh, my gosh, what happened? I know you don't want to talk about it, but what happened? Several of the actors refused to call me by my character's name offstage, which, for a method actor as I am-- that was unacceptable.
- Oh, right.
- I wound up striking several of those children repeatedly.
Oh, that's dumb.
Yeah, I know, I-- I mean, of the kids.
Yes, and then of course once acting was taken away from me, I turned to drugs.
They were the only thing that gave me that high that once, the stage gave me.
You know, I want to do you a favor.
Thank you.
All right.
Excuse me, Linda-- No, hey, hey! Hey, so you probably want to write that article about me, right? After you heard the shocking and scandalous tale that I justspoke upon? Actually, Linda's story spoke to me a lot.
- Linda's did? - Yeah.
But she didn't suck a ton of little [bleep.]
in her story.
Yeah, listen, Adam, you seem a little thick in the middle for a meth addict, to be honest with you.
Okay, well, this is a safe place, so shut up.
I gotta talk to Linda.
Oh, God.
- What are you doing? - Oh, God! Oh, your hateful words! It's a trigger.
It's a--it's a trigger for me, and I'm gonna go do meth.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Did I upset you that much? Nothing that a little meth won't fix, and that's what I'm gonna go do right now.
Bye-bye, Linda.
I'm doing meth.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Actually, Adam, would you mind if I follow along? If you're gonna do meth, I actually would like to get a firsthand look at that if you-- you don't mind me shadowing you.
So you want to do the article about me? - I mean, maybe-- - Yes! Yeah, okay, come on.
Let's ride.
My condolences for your children.
That was a sad story.
Mine was more sad, though.
Whoo! Huh? Pretty cool, huh? - No, no, no, no.
- Come on, I wanna show you something.
Come on.
Jesus, are you kidding me? Come on.
Guys, I'm sorry, but you can't be in here.
We've got rehearsal in about five minutes.
And I need but four, okay? This is Mr.
Buckley, Rancho Cucamonga acting legend.
- Have you heard of him? - No.
Well, we would like to perform a scene from his play, which I'm sure you've heard of, "McBreath.
" Fine.
Excellent.
[laughs.]
Wh--wh--what are you doing? All right, everybody.
Um, I will be playing the role of Angela, and he shall be playing the role of McBreath, our hero.
Our scene starts in a crowded bus.
Angela enters.
[as Angela.]
Excuse me, pardon me.
Blake, I can't do this.
Oh, excuse me, pardon me.
I can't do this without drugs.
Excuse me! Excuse me.
Here, take my seat.
Oh, you are too kind.
I'm Angela.
I'm Leonard, Angela, but everyone calls me McBreath.
McBreath? In seventh grade, we played spin the bottle, and it landed on Jen D'Angelo.
We kissed, and then she told me my breath smelled like McDonald's cheeseburgers.
Then she got everyone to chant, "McBreath, McBreath, McBreath!" I curse you, Jen D'Angelo! I curse you with all the venom of my heart! I hate you.
I hate you, I hate you! - Okay.
- Oh, God.
Well, I like cheeseburgers.
And I think the name McBreath is cool.
You do? Let me smell your breath, McBreath.
If you must.
[breathing heavily.]
Mmm.
I'm loving it.
Wait, so McBreath isn't even, like, a take-off on "Macbeth"? It's an original piece.
Not everything has to be a remake.
Ders: Yo, boss.
You still got a thirst for putting away bad guys? 'Cause I got the name of the biggest drug dealer in Rancho.
Zippo.
Zippo Tomlin? Yeah, I think so.
Son, do you even know who Tomlin is? I--I know I'm getting bits and pieces of information.
He's the leader of the most brutal biker gang in the state.
Now, do you know how he got the nickname Zippo? From one of his two best friends that he lives with.
- I don't think so, son.
- Okay.
It's because he likes to set people on fire.
Oh, my God.
Dude's dick burned off! - That was a woman.
- She naked? - Yes, she was.
- Sick.
I mean, that's sick.
That is sick.
Yes, it is, son.
Unless you want to have a massive skin graft, I suggest you stop playing dress-up! Yes, sir, but it was an honor to work for you, sir.
- Shut up, you twit.
- Okay.
[suspenseful music.]
[phone line trilling.]
Yeah, listen.
Just a heads up.
There's some annoying kid that might give us a small problem.
Keep an eye on him.
Get in the [bleep.]
van.
Zippo wants to see you.
Like, seven or eight dicks.
- What up? - That's how many that I've-- - Hey, what up? - That's so many.
Yeah, that's a lot, you know.
Hey, uh, I don't know if you wanted to take a shower, but my old teacher's using it, so just give him a minute.
That is weird, but I actually don't have time, 'cause I'm scrounging up money to buy meth.
Mm, okay.
Can I talk to you for a second? Found one.
Okay, "VICE" guy, let's roll.
We buying meth! Ooh.
Oh, I'm getting that pre-meth jitters, baby, let's roll! Seems stupid.
Seems really dumb.
You're enabling him! Whoo! I needed that scrub-down.
Oh, I borrowed somebody's grizzled toothbrush, but it was way better than the Taco Bell napkins I've been brushing my teeth with.
Okay, I'll let Ders know.
Hey, Mr.
Buckley, I have the perfect role.
No audition required.
- My kind of role.
- Okay.
What do you think of this? The role of kind of a seedy, dark, meth dealer.
Is this a new piece they're opening at the Rancho Playhouse? No, no, Ed's Jug House, the bar.
Okay, a Jug House meth dealer, yes, yes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, so-- - That is a challenge.
- Yeah, yeah.
- This is a good role.
I could really sink my teeth into this.
Great, I'll, uh, pay for your new headshots.
I'll take them if you want.
If anybody tries to take my picture, I'll break their face, you understand me? - Mm-hmm.
- And who is this Mr.
Buckley character? They call me Johnny Glass.
Mr.
Glass it is, sure.
Whoo! [laughs.]
I told my boss that some cop was looking for him, and he wants to meet you.
You think I'm a cop? Oh, my God, thank you.
You don't know what that means to me, man.
I'm not a cop.
I work in phone sales like a dummy.
[menacing laughter.]
Zippo's gonna have fun with you.
Yo, Kaner, take us around back.
Whoo! Come on, aren't you guys excited? Whoo! This is outlaw shit! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Come on! Okay, listen up.
You wanna get high? Real high? This shit will get you higher than God's frozen semen.
Ooh, whoa.
That's so high.
That's ridiculous.
That's how high I wanna be.
So what I have here is 16 smackeroos, so if I could get $16 worth of meth.
What? That's not enough money for my meth.
I'm sorry, what do you think this is? Rock candy? I'm selling meth! I want it.
Cough up some more, kid, and we're in business.
I'll do anything for the meth.
Okay, then, you can work the rest out on my [bleep.]
.
[zips.]
Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'm going--ow! You stepped on my foot.
Heard you've been asking about the Zip.
Boss, I heard he was a cop.
- No? - Mm-hmm.
I also heard that you're a cop.
Yeah, he just told you I was a cop, but I'm not, okay? And I'm actually flattered you guys think I'm a cop.
Trust me, I'm not.
You give me one of those vests, let's go carjack.
Let's go ride or die, man, I'll be like, "You mean-mugging me? I'm mean-muggin you, my--my man, my ma--" Shh, silence.
I was just showing you what I can do.
I will cutty cut you.
Have at it, kid.
- Okay, uh - Yeah.
Maybe take it to the bathroom, or-- You know what? On second thought, I want this to be great for you, so I'm gonna go to the restroom and stretch my jaw out by stuffing it full of toilet paper.
That's how I give a good hummer.
Oh, you ain't going anywhere, round boy.
Round boy? You see, we don't really like cops around here, man.
Not at Ed's Jug House, you understand? I know, I promise you I'm a regular normal guy-- Mr.
Buckley: Hey, you suck [bleep.]
[bleep.]
.
I work at a regular job with an outdated business model.
Mr.
Buckley: Then we got a double [bleep.]
suck it up at this bitch! Suck somebody's [bleep.]
? What is going on out there? You suck my [bleep.]
, and you get the balls, okay? Who in the [bleep.]
are you? Who in the [bleep.]
are you? Zippo.
Who in the [bleep.]
are you? Johnny Glass! Ders, hey! Do you have any money that I could borrow? Yeah, Ders, who are these guys? This is Zippo.
He's, like, a meth kingpin.
These are his friends.
They like to light people on fire, for real.
How do you chumps know this cop? Who's this dipshit taking pictures? - He's with me.
- And for the last time, I'm not a cop, okay? Obviously, I should probably be one.
I mean, you should see me frisk.
Okay, stop.
Wait, hold on.
All right, let's get out of here.
I think this is, like, real life, Mr.
Buckley.
Let's go.
I am Johnny Glass! Ugh! Ow! Johnny Glass.
[laughs.]
Oh, is that funny to you? Nobody sells around here unless I say so.
- Oh, is that so? - Nobody gets their [bleep.]
sucked in here, unless the Big Z, Zippo, says so.
Yeah, I'm with Zippo on that one.
Shut the [bleep.]
up! Shut the [bleep.]
up, and you shut the [bleep.]
up.
Why don't you say this? "Can I suck your [bleep.]
?" - Excuse me? - You heard me.
Here's a little coming attraction of what's gonna shoot out.
You mother--ah! Oh! [laughs.]
Get down, you little bitches.
Come on, get down, okay.
'Cause this is my day! This is my territory! [high-pitched scream.]
Oh, my God! That was a real knife.
Can some--can we talk to the prop master? Here, take this.
The wad is blown, the wad is blown.
[police siren blaring.]
Don't move, Zippo! - You're under arrest.
- Get your hands up! How could you do me like that, Sandman? Supposed to be me and you, brother.
I got your daughter a bounce house, man! Take it out, take it out, take it out.
Ow, ow, ow, don't wiggle it, don't wiggle it! - Don't-- - Ah! Well, it was a little scary, but also an honor, your honor, to help bring down the biggest drug kingpin in Rancho.
- We did it.
- Yeah, I think we can honestly say that we're better people for it.
And I know for a fact, now we're better friends.
- Yes.
- Yeah, we are.
Well, I'm glad you got something out of it, because you just blew a six-year undercover operation that was trying to take out an entire international cartel! If anything, Rancho's meth problem will only get worse.
There will be a power struggle to replace Zippo, which will lead to a drug war.
And I want you boys to be fully aware that there is blood on your hands.
Hmm, okay.
That seems a little - It does.
- Just a little bit harsh.
- Dramatic? - Yeah.
I mean, we were just smoking weed.
You could've wrote us a fine, instead of this whole stupid shenanigan.
Get the hell out of here! - Okay.
- All right.
Thank you, Judge "Browntown.
" It's Brownton! Is it? Ladies and gentlemen, we invite you to please take your seats as the thrilling conclusion of Attention Whore, the Adam DeMamp's story, begins now.
Why people no love me? Maybe if I pretend to do methamphetamine drugs then people would love me.
This is my legacy.
DeMamp Camp! Nice!&