Benidorm (2007) s06e03 Episode Script

Ah, good morning, sunshine.
Another day in paradise.
Oh, I think we've missed breakfast.
But, ooh-hoo, it was certainly worth it.
Oh.
Oh It's gay Derek.
Oh, lovely.
'Hi, Donald and Jacqueline, have you heard the news about Big Donna?' Is she all right? No.
No, she most certainly is not all right.
What's wrong? Jacqueline, I think you may be in need of a stiff one before I tell you what's happened.
Ooh.
Where are you going? You said Oh, sorry! You meant a drink.
I'll get them in, you go and get the sun-beds.
No, I'm not apologising to no-one.
It wasn't Clive's fault our Michael got a tattoo.
He wasn't there! Then why was he so defensive? You punched him in the face! I didn't punch him in the face.
He pushed me and I pushed him back.
It amounts to the same thing.
All right.
Well, if I do that to you, is that the same as punching you in the face? Did you just push me? No I was just showing you.
Did you just push ME?! All right, Jan.
Calm down.
Excuse me.
Do you need any assistance? What, defending myself against him? You must be joking.
It's, Mr Gravy.
Isn't it? Garvey.
I feel it only fair to inform you, that your behaviour last night did not go unnoticed.
What? In fact, far from it.
Under the new Solana Group directive we are now required to log all activities of KNOWN troublemakers.
Known troublemakers, you're taking the piss, aren't you? and using obscene language towards Solana staff.
You've gotta be joking! We apologise.
I'll keep my eye on him.
Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute.
I'm not apologising to nobody.
You're telling me, you're gonna write down the name of every person who swears? Cos you're gonna need a damn sight bigger book than that.
'Damn' isn't swearing and that wasn't shouting! I'd keep my head down if I were you.
Being arrested at an airport isn't the best start to anybody's holiday.
No need to make things worse.
What did you know about that? You're a guest in my hotel, Mr Gravy.
It's my business to know.
And it's Garvey.
Come on.
The man's an animal.
I regret the day I let my daughter marry him.
Well, it's all water under the bridge.
Is it? You said you were gonna rip his head off this morning.
Shut up, you.
Oh, and you'd be right to.
It's the only language people like that understand.
And after the things he said he was going to do to you.
Oh, yeah.
What things? Oh, I'm not one for telling tales.
I just mind my own business.
All though, some of the things he was saying about you'd make your hair curl.
Well, like you, we're not ones for telling tales.
Go on.
Oh, no.
I'm not getting involved.
But I do think he had a cheek going on about how short you are.
He's not exactly the Jolly Green Giant himself.
And who's he to call you ugly? As I said to my daughter last night, I'm sure you make up for it in personality.
Right.
Enjoy your morning.
Morning.
OK, team.
I won't keep you very long.
Just to say that we have now, more or less, weeded out the last of the bogus wrist bands.
All genuine Solana residents have now been issued with the new pink style band.
But if anybody's acting suspicious, please ask them for their room number and check against the database.
How do we do that? Sorry? Well, if we're serving behind the pool bar, we want to find out if someone is genuine resident, and they haven't just bought their wrist band in a pub, how do I check the database? Erm Ah, we ask them to describe their room.
Very good, Mateo.
I'm glad to see someone's thinking on their feet.
And if they say it is nice and comfortable we know we are smelling the rats.
Just send them to the front desk, I'll check their identity.
Morning.
What's that? What's it got to do with you? You're bringing it into my hotel, that's what it's got to do with me.
And now it's going into my salon, so keep your fat nose out.
I think you've got a lovely nose.
Class dismissed! Do you really think you can get away with speaking to me like that?! Yes! Right.
I'll put the coffees on, you keep an eye out for Grotbags.
And when the coast is clear, we get this shifted round to the pool bar.
I don't think we're gonna get away with this.
That's what the Chuckle Brothers said and look at them now.
I still can't believe it.
I thought Big Donna would live forever.
It's certainly a lot to take in.
When did it happen? Last Friday.
At the Bognor Regis over 60s Bisexual Alliance.
Oh, heck.
That's a mouthful.
Apparently those were Big Donna's last words.
Really? Is that how she died? I'm afraid so.
Well, that does surprise me.
People always used to say she could breath through her ears.
Yes, I think that was just a figure of speech.
Oh, I suppose we've missed the funeral? It's today.
Apparently Jackson's Pie Shop are having a late night opening as a mark of respect.
Oh, lovely.
Well.
they've realised now that Donna's dead they'll probably be out of business by the end of the month.
Oh, Donna.
Why don't we have another drink? Toast a life well lived.
Oh, yes.
Two triple chocolate fudge martinis with butterscotch sauce and whipped cream.
It's what she would've wanted.
Sugared rim? No, let's just have the drinks.
He's not happy with you, that Clive.
Mother, just leave it.
Should've heard the things he was saying about you this morning.
He was turning the air blue.
I'm surprised you've got time for a holiday, Madge.
What with shit-stirring being a full-time job for you these days.
No need for language like that.
I know you've had no education, but there's no reason to drag everybody down to your level.
Who are you texting? Our Michael.
Oh, you won't see him again today.
Not after the battering you gave him last night.
Never laid a finger on that lad.
Never mind Childline, I'm surprised he hasn't had Esther Rantzen's mobile number tattooed on his other arm.
Oh, when's this ever gonna stop?! You what? The lies, the nastiness.
The constant embarrassment of a bony, venom-spitting carcass, who has no consideration for anyone but herself! Who are you talking about? You! I'm talking about you! Who did you think? Well, I knew it wasn't our Janice.
She's never been what you could call bony! Look, there you go again.
Right, that's enough.
Honest to God, you're like kids.
Is there any chance at all we could just sit here and have one peaceful morning? Just a few hours without screaming, shouting, arguing, or causing a fuss! Ah-ha-ha! What the frigging hell is this?! Hello again.
Fancy seeing you here.
Woo-hoo-hoo! Never, in all my years in the travel industry, and that includes four years under Richard Branson, have I witnessed such appalling behaviour.
I know.
They just sat there.
Open mouthed, just looking at us.
Not one of the miserable bastards joined in.
Ha-ha! Very amusing! Thank you.
I mean, it's not as if you're kids that can be put across somebody's knee, grown men the lot of you.
Oh, yeah.
You can put me across your knee.
You know, there's only one thing I like better than a MILF and that's a GMILF with attitude.
What on Earth is a GMILF? You're ridiculous! I mean, how old are you? 42?! A GMILF stands for a Grandmother I'd like to 42?! I'm sorry, is that a joke? I'm 36.
Look, I know this isn't exactly St Tropez, it's Benidorm.
But we must have standards.
Therefore, I'm going to have to ask you to pack your bags and leave.
A partial refund will be sent to you via your travel agent within 28 days.
Look, look, look, Joyce.
I'm getting married.
My commiserations to the bride.
Oh, thank you.
And, well, look, I asked my best man Martin where in the world should I go and spend my last few days as a free man? And can you guess what he said to me? Something like, "Please take a step back, your breath is beginning to affect my vision"? No, he said Benidorm.
And as Martin is in charge of my stag weekend, Benidorm is where we came.
And Benidorm is where you can stay.
Just not in my hotel.
Look, I don't mean to be vulgar.
But my friend is mind-numbingly rich He's right.
And I'm sure we can, you know, sort out any problems with a large donation to, you know, you.
My decision is final.
This is a four-star establishment, we do not cater for over-privileged idiots.
So, you can take yourselves and your inherited money elsewhere.
Look.
There's about 400 Euros there.
Is there any chance of getting some breakfast by the pool? I'll have it sent over straight away.
Boys.
We're in! So, you've definitely got a spare plug socket? Do you mean for electric-tricity? Of course.
What is it for? I'm afraid I can't tell you that.
Suffice to say, there won't be one person at the Solana that doesn't know that the grand re-opening of Blow & Go is - Stop talking.
Hiya, can I have three beers and an orange juice please? Hiya.
I'm Liam.
Go away.
No, I won't go away.
Don't be so rude.
Look, I have work to do.
How many times I have to tell you to stop with your interfere? Just because I haven't got muscles or a tan doesn't make me any less of a man than you are.
Just go.
I said you can put your plug in my socket later.
Just make sure nobody find out.
Go.
Your friend all right? Of course.
He can be a little, how do you say, sensitive.
Yeah, he looks it.
Listen.
There was a barman here yesterday, blonde hair, blue eyes Yes, we have big trouble with this one.
He has gone.
What do you mean gone? Gone, finished, goodbye.
He leave town.
We were supposed to have a date.
Really? With this one who was here? Oh, no.
Yeah, whatever.
It's fine.
Listen.
This one.
He was no good for you.
You need a nice guy.
A man who will take care of you.
A man who appreciate your style, your beauty.
Thanks.
I'll keep looking.
I hope everything works out with your boyfriend.
What? Hey, come back.
I am not a moofalata! Well, look who's still here.
Eight pints and Jaegerbomb chasers if you please.
- Get them in! - Get them in! Get them in! Get them in! Get them in! You still haven't told me exactly what this is.
Shh! I said it's our new advertising campaign.
Which, incidentally, is going to make us so much money your little russet gusset is going to be a damp as an otter's pocket.
Now, as the Catholic priest said to the altar boy, get your end up.
Undiluted scum.
They are a bit rowdy.
Oh, and here comes our Michael.
That's another screaming match to add to the madness.
No, it's not.
What's done is done.
Wasn't exactly your attitude last night.
Thought you were gonna skin the lad alive.
Don't start that rubbish again.
We'll get the tattoo removed when we get home and while we're here we'll keep it covered up and say no more about it.
Agreed? Yeah.
Madge, agreed? It's nothing to do with me.
Hiya, son.
Did you have a nice sleep in? Yeah, a bit.
But then I went to the shops.
Did you get owt good? Dad, I know you're real mad at me about getting this tattoo.
No.
I was just saying, son.
I'm sorry for shouting at you last night.
Let's just forget all about it till we get home, eh? I just wanted to say though, it weren't the other lad's fault.
It weren't Tiger's fault, it was mine.
I got drunk and I wanted the tattoo.
Don't stop me hanging round with him.
I mean, he's the only person here who's my age.
You can hang around with me.
Please.
We'll see.
Hey.
Shall we go for a swim? No.
I bought you all presents to say I'm sorry.
Oh, Michael.
You didn't have to do that.
Mum.
Dad.
And, Nana.
I got you some cigs.
Oh, Michael.
It's beautiful.
Do you not like yours, Dad? I'm sorry I shouted at you, son.
I'm sorry for being an idiot.
Come here.
Oh.
I love you, son.
Never forget that, yeah? Yeah.
And I wonder where the money came from to buy all these presents.
Don't be so bloody ungrateful.
He's got his spending money.
Not that sort of money.
Them watches aren't market rubbish, they're the real thing.
I should know.
Yeah, cos you're dripping in designer jewellery aren't you? He's been on the rob.
I know that guilty embarrassed face.
I've seen it often enough.
What, every time you look in the mirror? Me? What have I got to look guilty about? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because you're a nasty, complaining, ungrateful old woman, who can't open her mouth without either being rude or hurting someone's feelings! Oh, for God's sake.
Michael! I'll go.
Trust him to get the cheap ones.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! This is crazy, it's not even midday.
Here you are, love.
Plug that in for us.
You can't leave all this wire trailing everywhere, it's a health and safety hazard, man.
That's rich coming from a chain-smoking tranny in a nylon wig.
Right, that's it.
I'm off to get Joyce.
OK, OK.
I think this calls for some slightly more organised drinking games.
Barman, bring us two tables, a broom and 50 shots over to that far corner.
Hey, hey.
I am not your slave and we have no games for drinking.
This is against the rules.
Sorry, where are my manners? I forgot to give you a tip.
I do not need your money.
I suggest you little boys go down to the beach and play your stupid games there.
What size broom did you want? Bit to the left.
Bit more.
Oh, my goodness.
She's quite impressive, isn't she? She's incredible.
I've never seen anything so amazing in my life.
She only cost me 50 Euros for the week.
What? Mind you, I did have to provide my own lettering.
What the hell's going on! Just a bit of advertising for the salon.
Get that shifted now! Oh, what is your problem? I'm bringing a free attraction to the hotel.
Kids love inflatables.
See! I think he's stuck.
No, no.
Look away! No, I'm sorry.
It just doesn't say Solana.
Yes, it does.
Along the bottom.
No, I mean it doesn't fit in with our brand.
It's big, loud, tacky, and too noisy.
Talking of which.
Can't you do something about Prince Harry and his squadron? I don't see what the problem is, we've had stag parties here before.
Yes, and you always come down on them like a ton of bricks when they start getting rowdy.
Which one are you shagging? I beg your pardon?! Oi! If you don't get those idiots shifted from out that pool I'll shift 'em for you.
And believe me, you don't want that! For goodness sake.
What's wrong with you all? It's not as if they're hurting anyone.
Get that shifted.
Come on.
Let's go outside.
It's daft to be stuck in here when it's lovely and sunny out there.
I've really messed up this time, ain't I? No, not really.
Least they spelt it right.
You didn't pinch them watches, did you? No.
I've got the receipt here.
Where did you get that sort of money? Busking.
Busking? Yeah, Michael's an amazing singer.
Break dancer.
Er Dancer.
I meant to say break dancer.
So, you two were break dancing in Benidorm and got all that money? Yeah, this time next year we'll be millionaires.
Maybe I should get your dad a role of lino so he can go out and spin on his head.
We could do with the money.
Right.
You kids stay out of trouble.
See you later.
You been flashing the cash, Mikey? Well, don't worry.
I'm sure we can find ourselves another little scam.
It's just a question of looking hard enough.
Gentleman and lady.
As much as it pains me to interrupt your celebrations, I'm afraid we have a slight problem.
Aye, you could say that.
It has been brought to my attention that you are all positioned nowhere near the bar.
So, I have appointed Lesley, our head barmaid, to be your personal cocktail waitress for the rest of the day.
That's right.
And if we hear another peep What? Am I to take it that you two are now members of this stag party? Jacqueline and I have a relationship with Martin that goes back years.
Don't we, Martin? Erm, kind of.
We've had some very sad news about a dear friend and the boys are helping us get over her.
I remember the first time I needed help getting over Big Donna.
Took 25 minutes and an indoor trampoline.
I have prepared the indoor reception bar with premium vodkas and high-quality nuts.
So, if you'd all like to follow Lesley I'm sure you'll be safe in her very capable, if slightly oversized, hands.
Well, I think she's mad.
This place could be like Disneyland, but no.
She's dead set on it being like Tenko but without the glamour.
What is Tenko? Don't you blaspheme in this salon.
What is Tenko?! Only Stephanie Beecham's finest hour.
It's a TV show from the 1980s.
I've got all the DVDs.
You can't compare the Solana to a Japanese prisoner of war camp! You what? A bunch of sweaty Brits, spending endless days trapped abroad in blistering heat and appalling conditions.
Not only that, Temple Savage bears more than a passing resemblance to Burt Kwok when she's looking at the sun.
Oh, I cannot listen to more of this.
Ah.
Cheers, Mateo love.
Thank you.
Did you see her? Who? The girl in the white bikini.
No.
What about her? I think I'm in love.
Oh, Liam love.
For goodness sake.
When are you gonna stop kidding yourself? About what? You know what.
You're camper than a Brighton bus queue.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not gay?! Oh, the lady doth protest too much.
I'm not gay.
I just don't like football.
Last week, when we went to Idols, you ended up on stage singing Over the Rainbow in a feather boa.
And then on the last note you went into full splits.
Karaoke's not gay.
All right then.
What is your all-time favourite TV programme? Oh, Dynasty but only cos I like the fashion.
We all know fashion's not gay.
What's your favourite song? I'm not playing this game! Oh, Liam love.
I'm just thinking about you.
In ten years' time when you're happily married.
I don't want to see you sloping off down to the Old Town, and queuing up for the noshing bench in some dingy gay bar when you should be putting your kids to bed.
You should learn to accept people for who they are.
Just because I don't fit into your stereotype of how a man should be doesn't give you permission to call me names.
I am what I am.
And what I am needs no excuses! That wasn't gay at all.
So, if you're only here for the weekend what are your plans? Well, drinking mainly, obviously.
And of course checking out the infamous Benidorm nightlife.
Jonty wants to see Sticky Vicky.
Ow! What is wrong with you guys? Look, I've seen the Great Wall of China, the Pyramids of Giza, I've flown over the Grand Canyon, I swam through the Great Barrier Reef.
But there gets to a point in every man's life when he just has to see a 70-year-old stripper pulling the flags of all nations out of her front bottom.
Oh, we're very good friends with Vicky.
Really? Is all the stuff Martin's been telling me true? Absolutely.
But those Benidorm pubs can get quite rowdy, I would have thought men of your breeding would prefer a .
.
private performance? She does private gigs? Oh, my God.
This just gets more hilarious.
Well, no.
But everyone has a price.
With the right budget I'm sure we could arrange something.
Couldn't we, Jacqueline? Oh, yes.
What you doing in here? I could ask you the same question.
I just needed some space.
What can I get you, son? Well, it's a bit early but I'll have a Campari and .
.
a lager.
I'll have a pint of lager.
Since when did you start drinking lager? Since now.
Aren't you supposed to be working downstairs? I've been told I have to wait hand and foot on that stag party.
But there's no way.
Hey, don't get me wrong, I love my job.
But I'm not skivvying around after a load of posh knobs.
I've got some pride.
There you go young 'un.
Dad erm.
Do you ever worry about what people think about you? Come on, son.
Take a look at me.
What do you think? I just sometimes worry I don't really fit in.
Where exactly is it you want to fit in? Good point.
Can you remember what I used to tell you to do when the kids at school called you ginger nuts.
Oh, yeah.
You said erm, "Stamp on the bridge of their nose until they choke on their own blood".
I think you'll find it was your mother who said that.
Oh, yeah.
I said, "Rise above it.
They're just jealous, because they wish they stood out from the crowd".
Can you imagine how boring the world would be if we were all the same? Yeah, I know all that.
I just I sometimes think, the way that I am is preventing me from meeting the right girl.
Or any girl.
You don't need to change who you are for anyone.
The right girl is out there somewhere young 'un, and it won't be long till she finds you.
And you know why? Why? Because your star shines brighter than anyone else's.
Thanks, Dad.
Liam, do you want this pint? No thanks, Dad.
I'm all right.
Where did your Dad put the tanning pills? I don't think they're here.
I think they've been chucked away.
They must be in your Gran's room.
Have you got a key? Can't we just get some headache tablets and sell them? Headache tablets cost money, Mikey.
As my old man says, it's all about profit margins.
Oh, don't go in there that's my Mum and Dad's bedroom.
You worried about what I might find? Hello, hello.
What have we here? It's payday, Mikey boy.
You little beauties.
Put 'em back, put 'em back! There is no problem.
There is a problem.
Cos I don't want to have to fanny about like that every time I want a sh All right, son.
What you doing? I was just showing Tiger round the apartment.
Lovely place you got here, Mr G.
Well, better than the crappy rooms we're in.
Yeah, well.
We're regulars.
Michael, why didn't you open the door? You could hear us trying to get in.
I didn't know it was you.
I'll get you another key.
Yeah, four of 'em.
Right, I think we'll get out in the sun.
All right.
See you later.
Catch you later, Mr G.
Enjoy your sh ower.
Listen, Clive.
I just wanted to say, about last night.
You know, it's been a stressful few days for all of us, and I think it's probably best all round if we just What I mean is.
You know, we're all here on holiday supposed to be enjoying ourselves.
So, what is the point of You know, what is the point of Forgot what I was gonna say now.
Beer? Absolutely.
Another one of them, pal? Two more, please.
Coming right up.
Hello, can I help you? Are you part of the stag party? No, I always dress like this.
Oh, right.
OK, I'll knock on the door.
I'm pretty sure the guy in here is the one who's getting married - Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Yes, I'm part of the stag party.
Can I help you? You said you weren't.
It was a joke.
How can I help you? We were wondering if you're in the market for some shit? Some shit? Yeah.
What do you mean? Like for the garden? A garden? Yes, like manure.
Manure? What's that? French? Manure? No, it comes out of a horse's bottom.
Look, man.
We got most things.
We got leapers, moggies, snappers, dust, dollies, eggs, jellies, dings, and turkeys.
Just let us know what you want, and if you've got the lettuce we got the candy.
But we ain't got no manure.
Wayhey! It's Pimp Diddy Martin! I see you've brought your bitches.
They aren't my bitches.
I think it's bob-a-job week.
Are you ready? Everybody's downstairs waiting - Drugs! He wants to know if you want to buy some drugs.
Mikey! For God's sake, man.
Walls have ears.
Drugs? You're selling drugs? How old are you, 12? I'm 16.
And you! You should know better.
Your father found out you were doing this he'd ruddy well skin you alive.
So, is that a no then? Course it's a no! Do we look like the kind of people who take drugs? Yeah.
Yeah, you do.
Martin, go downstairs get the shots lined up.
I'll be down in ten.
Come in, boys.
Oh, my God.
I didn't see this.
Wow.
He's blind as well as stupid - Now, come on, boys.
Don't be like that.
I mean.
They're not bad kids.
No.
They're not, they're not.
They're good kids.
But what we gotta remember is that we were teenagers.
But we weren't teenagers in this day and age.
We didn't have the internet.
Didn't have the internet, didn't have computer games.
Television! You didn't have television? How old are you? We didn't have the hundreds of channels they got now.
Three channels we had.
Aye, and still twice as much to watch than the shite they've got on 300 channels now.
Hear, hear.
So, what line of business are you in then? I was in the tanning stroke sun-bed trade.
But, well bottom fell out of it, really.
How about you? I'm in construction.
The bottom hasn't fallen out of that.
I'm sure.
It's had a complete prolapse.
Seriously? I'm trying to ride it out.
Between you and me.
Things ain't looking good.
Still, you managed to come on holiday.
How bad can things be? Yeah.
Ole! What's going on here then? I'm taking the boys out on a stag night.
Don't worry, we'll be out of your hair momentarily.
I don't suppose you've got room for one more, have you? I'm sorry, Lesley.
It's a stag night.
No women allowed.
No, I don't mean for me.
I mean for our Liam.
Needs to broaden his horizons.
I think a night out with the lads will do him the world of good.
Absolutely.
The more the merrier.
So, you're doing the full stag tour then? The Shamrock, Loch Ness, Jokers, The Red Dog.
With the added bonus of a once in a lifetime live show.
Tacky Jacqui.
The show you can afford to see, but can't afford to miss! Tacky Jacqui? As in your Jacqueline? Yes.
We tried to book Sticky Vicky but she's out of the country.
And your missus is gonna do the act instead? Yes.
Do you know what time your lad'll be coming down? Oh, it's all right.
I think he'll probably sit this one out.
But you said he wanted to broaden his horizons? No offence.
But with your missus doing Sticky Vicky's act there's a fine line between having your horizons broadened and being scarred for life.
Ladies and gentlemen.
I give you Mr Jonty Carmichael.
Single man, reveal yourself.
OK, bitches.
Let's get this show on the road! Donald, let the toad see the hole.
Onward! I'll probably be back before the end of the shift anyway, but any problems just call my mobile.
You have a good night.
Hasta manana.
OK, she has gone.
You can go now.
Oh, thanks, Mateo.
You gonna manage without me? Course.
Where are you going? I'm taking off all this slap and I'm going to be a father to my son.
You are going to slap your son? I have felt this way many times.
No, man.
I'm taking our Liam out for a pint.
See you later.
Bye bye.
Er table for eight please.
Eight? You have made friends with people? Yeah, why? What's it got to do with you? One moment.
You've changed your tune.
Wanting to eat with that Clive.
Last night you tried to kill him.
Oh, don't exaggerate.
OK.
Somebody will be back to take your order.
Thanks, love.
Hey.
I tell you what, Madge.
Why don't you go and sit with your friends? I'm sure we can find a single chair somewhere.
She was in agony because she had a crushing pain on her left nipple.
So, we're all panicking.
Rung the ambulance up and we've all got round there and it turns out .
.
she was stood on it.
Come on, boys.
In we go! One more for the road.
Excuse me, fellas.
Have you lost your luggage? Oh, it's Donald.
How are you, Donald? Wahey.
Bloody hell, can't believe you're still above ground.
You've put a bit of beef on, Donald.
Have you eaten my air bed? Yes, yes.
Very good.
Step away from the comedian boys.
By the way she died after Christmas dinner.
I once got button holed by Larry Grayson in the late 70's, these things can get quite messy.
Guess how she died? Heart attack playing charades.
There you go, son.
What you drinking? Drop of Guiness.
Did you want one? No, thanks.
Why you drinking that? I don't know.
Change is as good as a rest.
Puts hairs on your chest.
Ha-ha.
Hey, I thought I might go down the Red Dog later.
Why do you want to go down the Red Dog? Well, you know? Have a few drinks.
Maybe chat up a few lasses.
Why would you want to do that.
Cos I'm out with my son.
I'm just being a father.
Dad, what's going on? After all you said to me, why are you trying to be something you're not? What are you talking about? Of course I'm your father.
No.
I don't mean that.
I mean sitting in a noisy, smelly sports bar.
Watching two men knock seven bags of shite out of each other.
Wearing beige and drinking Guiness.
Why would you want a drink that puts hairs on your chest? You're a transvestite.
Well, I'm just trying to help you find a nice girl, son.
But I thought I'm not exactly helping.
Taking you to drag bars in the old town.
I will find a nice girl, Dad.
But in my own time.
And I'll find her because she likes me for who I am.
Wise words.
They should be.
They're yours.
So, if I'm gonna be myself.
I want you to be yourself too.
Fair enough? Aye, fair enough.
Ha-ha.
Mwah.
Right, let's get you back down the Solana and into something a bit more glamorous.
Honestly, you are really embarrassing me dressed like that.
Thank God you said that.
My feet have been killing us walking in these flat shoes.
So, how have you been keeping, Martin? Not bad, thanks.
Keeping my head above water.
Yourself? Oh, you know me.
I have my fingers in many pies.
Yes, actually I'm writing my memoirs at the moment.
Really? How fascinating.
Yes, well.
Since we last met I was arrested on a charge of fraud as the result of faking my own death.
Good Lord.
Oh, yes.
The book is based on the diaries I kept during my six months in prison.
It's not so much a memoir, more of a "kiss-and-tell".
Here you go, boys.
Time to step it up a gear.
These aren't from those kids at the Solana are they? Oh.
Do be quiet, Martin.
Donald? Not for me thanks.
My wife and I went through our recreational drug phase many years ago.
Jacqueline once spent four days on magic mushrooms thinking she was a barn owl.
Took myself and the Fire Brigade six hours to coax her down out of next door's tree.
Amazing! That was the easy bit.
Apologising to the neighbours for her defecating heavily on their Ford Cortina was the sticky end of the wicket.
Ha ha! Psst! Oh, speak of the devil.
I think someone might need a bit of help loading her props, if you know what I mean? Back in a short while.
Having fun, Jonty? Kidding, aren't you? I'm having an amazing time.
Here - get another one of these down your neck.
When you asked me to organise your stag party.
Well, I chose Benidorm as a bit of a joke, but I think the joke may have backfired.
I mean, I'm not being vulgar, but you've got so much money.
We could've gone anywhere in the world.
And, well - I've BEEN everywhere in the world.
This place is incredible.
In three bars we've seen Elvis, Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson.
It's like an amazing, alcohol-fuelled singing graveyard.
I'm sure the Benidorm Tourist Board will be begging you to use that quote.
And now Sticky Vicky, all in the same night! No, you did the right thing, amigo.
They don't call you the Best Man for nothing.
Did Donald not tell you about Sticky Vicky? What? She's on holiday.
He's getting his wife to do the act.
Tacky Jacqui.
Listen, pal.
You know I've always had a penchant for the more mature woman.
Sticky Vicky, Tacky Jacqui, as long as I get to see a sexy pensioner pulling the flags of all nations from her Auntie Mary, I'm gonna sleep a happy boy tonight.
What do you mean you can't do it? I've tried.
But I think it's stage fright.
Everything's seized up.
Are you sure? Positive.
I'll be lucky if I can get a Rizla paper up there.
What are we gonna do? Remember the first rule of show business? The show must go on.
No.
Never give them their money back.
I have had an idea.
Yes? There's an old trick I remember from when my mother was a magician's assistant.
It could work but you'll have to give me a hand, so to speak.
Whether I'm right Or whether I'm wrong Whether I find a place in this world or never belong I gotta be me I gotta be me What else can I be but what I am? I wanna live Well, I must say this is very pleasant.
What, the food? No, making friends on holiday.
Where's Burke and Hare gone? Who? Michael! And the other one.
I gave Michael and Tiger ten Euros each to spend on the machines.
That was very good of you.
Ten Euros each! Are you right in the head? That's the last you'll see of them tonight.
They'll be high as a kite, sniffing glue 'round the bins.
Excuse me, Tiger does not sniff glue.
All right, calm down.
When did you start defending your brother? When she started to disrespect him.
Respect! Ha, that's a joke.
What do you know about respect? Trotting round the pool with your tits out in your high heels.
Look.
I think it's probably best if you don't judge my son or my daughter by your own very low standards, Madge.
And who do you think you're talking to, you piss-faced old cow?! Do you know, I felt sorry for you when we first met.
Married to him with a face like a ruptured arse.
But it's him that deserves the sympathy for putting up with you.
More drinks? Yes, and we'll have 'em over there.
Come on.
That's right.
Piss off! Sit with your own kind.
Animals, the lot of you.
That's it.
Much more room.
Gotta be me I'll go it alone My, God.
She'd be amazing to go shoplifting with.
I need a big finish, Donald.
Can you hear me? The big finish.
Hang on! I've never seen anything like this in my entire life.
Well, I must say, I've seen the real Sticky Vicky and this comes pretty Oh, my God! Hey.
Taxis outside are for you? Oh, yeah.
Thanks, mate.
These are our door keys.
There might be some missing.
I think one or two of them slept in the hallways.
We had quite a heavy night last night.
And you forgot to take off your fancy dress make-up? No, we got sold some dodgy pills.
We had a pretty wild time.
But they erm Well, they turned us orange.
I can see this.
Oh, and there's also quite a lot of damage in the rooms, but just bill it to my card, OK? What card? Hey! Hey, where are you going? You cannot leave.
You have to pay for your damage.
Ostia! Miss Temple-Savage! Miss Temple-Savage! Miss Temple Savage.
There are guests trying to leave but they have destroyed their rooms.
Miss Temple-Savage? Where are my glasses? I'm sorry.
I had a bit of a late night last night.
What?