Bewitched (1964) s06e03 Episode Script

- Mommy, I'm full.
- All right, sweetheart.
Just finish your milk.
Then can I have a piece of candy? Tabitha, you know the rule.
If you have room for candy, you can finish your lunch.
But I only have a little room.
It's just big enough for candy.
Please, Mommy, just for a special treat.
Sorry, young lady.
But we're both gonna have a special treat.
Daddy's coming home for lunch.
Oh, goody! Daddy will give me some candy.
- Oh, dear.
- It was a accident, Mommy.
Yes, of course.
Your father's gonna be home any second, and I don't have lunch anywhere near ready.
- Can I help, Mommy? - No, sweetheart.
But I know who can.
Esmeralda.
Yoo-hoo, Esmeralda.
Yes, Mrs Stephens? - Hi, Esmeralda.
- Hi, sweetheart.
Esmeralda, you don't have anything to be nervous about.
- Is Mr Stephens home? - No.
- Good.
- But he'll be here any minute.
Goodbye.
Esmeralda, you're being very foolish.
Mr Stephens likes you.
A lot.
It's just that Well, he gets a little upset when you fade out.
And I really do need your help right now.
All right.
What do you want me to do? Well, will you take Tabitha upstairs and change her? Why, sure.
Who do you want me to change her into? I mean change her dress.
I know what.
Do you know how to make a caesar salad? I certainly do.
Good.
Well, you do that.
I'll take care of Tabitha.
Now, the lettuce is all washed, and everything you need's right on the sink.
Come on, sweetheart.
What a mess.
Why don't we change that upstairs? Caesar salad.
It should be easy.
Ibbity, bibbity, salad greens, oil, vinegar, ceci beans, I call on Caesar's eternal soul, here and now to fill this bowl.
Don't tell me.
You're Caesar, right? What manner of place is this? How came I here? I don't know how came you here.
The important thing is how do I get rid of you? Sam? I'm home.
Oh, dear.
I, Caesar, command you to reappear! Your Excellency.
- How do you do that? - I don't do it.
It just happens when things go wrong.
Does it happen very often? A lot.
Can you tell your emperor what he's doing here? No, I can't, but as long as you're here, could I interest you in making a caesar salad? A what? - Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi.
- Hungry? - Starved.
Good.
How come Larry let you off in the middle of the day? What do you mean? I can come and go as I please.
I don't need his permission for everything I do.
- Okay, okay.
- Besides, he's in Chicago.
- My, you're in a good mood today.
- Why not? I've got a lovely wife, a beautiful daughter, a new baby on the way And a maid that walks around the house without any body.
Esmeralda, I told you there was nothing to be nervous about.
That's what you think.
Sam, would you mind warning me when she's in the house? Mrs Stephens, could you come into the kitchen for a minute? You get that.
I'll get the catastrophe.
Esmeralda, come back here! All right.
Hello.
Larry! Where are you? Never mind where I am.
What are you doing home in the middle of the day? Esmeralda, I'm sure it's not as awful as you think.
- Who's that? - Caesar.
I got him instead of the salad.
That's awful! See? I told you.
Darrin, I'll be at your house in 15 minutes.
We've got work to do.
But, Larry Sam, I don't want to rush you, but Larry will be What What's this? It's not a "what.
" It's a "who.
" I'm afraid it's all my fault.
This is Mr Stephens.
- Hi.
- Hail.
Darrin, that is Julius Caesar.
Why not? I mean, sure.
I mean, if you have a maid that fades out, why not Julius Caesar in your kitchen? Darrin, Esmeralda's gonna send him back as soon as she can remember how she got him here.
In the meantime, it's a marvellous opportunity to meet one of the great men of history and learn about his life and times.
Sam, in the first place, I read the play.
And in the second place, Larry will be here any minute.
- Now, look, Esmeralda, you've got - Enough of this babbling.
I demand to know where I am and how I came here.
Well, how you came here is a little difficult to explain.
Do you know what a witch is? Someone with unusual powers? Oh, yes.
A soothsayer.
Yes.
Well, Esmeralda is what you would call a soothsayer.
Let's face it.
I'm a lousy soothsayer.
I wouldn't say that.
- Why not? - Well? That's Larry.
Sam, do something.
I'll sneak him upstairs and put him in one of your suits for the time being.
Why go to all that trouble? Roses are red, violets are blue, let his suit appear on you.
Boy, have I got a story to tell you.
And I'm sure you've got something to tell me.
Oh, you mean this.
This Well, everybody's wearing them.
It's a new kind of lounging outfit.
It's kind of Far-out, isn't it? Not for somebody who wears gold leaves in their hair.
Oh, yeah.
Well, it goes with the outfit.
It's matched.
Would you excuse me, Larry, while I get into something less comfortable? All right.
Who's the wise guy? Oh, dear.
I might have known I couldn't do something right.
Will someone please remove these absurd clothes? They are binding.
Sam, Larry thinks I've gone bananas.
Esmeralda, before you fade out, you have to fix this.
I'll try.
Reverse the curse.
It worked.
I'll try to get Larry into the den, and you keep him out of sight.
I've had nightmares that made more sense.
I find this all difficult to believe.
How do I know you're not in league with my enemies? I have many enemies, you know.
Yes, I know.
Some of your best friends were enemies.
So when I found out that Evelyn Charday was going to be at this cocktail party at the hotel, I did everything I could to get invited.
- Oh, how did you get invited? - I crashed.
Anyway, I met her.
And when she told me she was flying to New York today to line up a new agency, I dropped everything and hopped on the plane with her.
Why is she shopping for another agency? Charday's come up with a new men's cologne called Top Tiger, which so far is a fabulous failure.
Anyway, we're having dinner with her at my house tonight.
Which gives you about six hours to map out a campaign so dazzling she'll fall into our arms.
Six hours? Larry, I can't come up with anything decent in that time.
I don't even know the product.
Here's a bottle of Top Tiger.
Use it in good health.
Tonight.
And just for the record, in case it comes up, your wife is crazy about Charday Lizard Oil.
Come on.
I'll help you get started.
Maybe if you see it in black and white, you'll believe me.
There you are, under "Memorable Dates.
" "Julius Caesar.
"Formed first triumvirate with Pompey and Crassus, 60 B.
C.
"Defeated Helvetii, 58 B.
C.
"Sent message to Roman Senate, 'Veni, vidi, vici.
' "I came, I saw, I conquered.
"Lived with Cleopatra in" Is nothing sacred? "Was dictator of Rome" Dictator? They dare to describe me thus? I, Caesar, who refused the crown thrice? This must be eradicated from the pages of history.
Where do I go to get this injustice rectified? It's no use, Caesar.
You can't fight city hall.
I can.
I must.
I shall! - Yeah, well - Sam? Excuse me.
Listen, you better forget about me for lunch and dinner.
Have you gotten rid of Caesar? No.
But you know something? - It's really thrilling to listen to him.
- Sure.
"Caesar assassinated in Roman Senate by Brutus and Cassius.
" Et tu, Cassius.
- Can you summon me a chariot? - Are you joking? I can't even make a caesar salad.
I must go to city hall and lodge a complaint.
Well, you could take a taxi.
- What, pray, is a taxi? - It's a sort of horseless chariot.
All you have to do is go right through this door.
I thank you, Esmeralda.
Oh, no, no, Your Excellency.
I should be thanking you.
Mr and Mrs Stephens are going to be so happy when I tell them you've gone.
- Farewell.
- Bye, now.
And by the way, if anybody asks you, you're crazy about Charday's Lizard Oil.
It's supposed to keep you young.
Ever try it? Me? What for? Sorry.
Lost my head.
- I wonder how Esmeralda's doing.
- Let's take a look.
- Where is he? - He's gone.
- That's marvellous! - And about time.
How did you manage to do it? Simple.
I just opened the back door and out he walked.
- What? - He said he had to go to city hall.
- Well, why did you let him go? - You mean I shouldn't have? Oh, now, Esmeralda, don't fade out.
You're the only one who can help us.
You look out front.
I'll check the back.
Darrin, here's a thought.
Wait a second, Sam.
If we invite Evelyn Charday here for dinner instead of my house, why, you could save the driving time and keep working on the campaign.
But, Larry, it's only five minutes to your house.
Yes, but with a thing like this, every minute counts.
- What sense does that make? - A lot.
Louise didn't expect me back today.
She's having dinner with her mother.
- Fine.
Excuse me.
- I'll be right back.
- Any sign of him? - No.
Sam, this could be disastrous.
Somebody's bound to find out who he is, - and how he got here, and - Sweetheart, just calm down.
You go back in the house and start working.
I'll get in the car and look for him.
At least I know where he's headed.
All right.
Here you are, Mac, city hall.
That's $2.
40.
Hey, hey! Wait! Wait a minute.
- What kind of money is this? - Those are Roman sesterces.
Yeah? Well, if you ever get to Rome, they'll come in handy, but they're no good to me.
Hey, Officer! - You mean gold is of no value here? - Gold? Gold? All right, what's the trouble? - What's the trouble? - Trouble? No trouble.
No trouble at all.
- Take care of my friend here, will you? - Yeah.
You here for the demonstration? Dig this far-out, beautiful person.
- Howdy, brother.
- Hail! This is a nonviolent demonstration, pally.
We don't need no extremists here, you dig? Now, why don't you just take one of these signs and join the march? I did not come to march.
I came to protest.
And what do you think we're doing here? Playing ring-around the rosie? I wish to speak to the chief of the city.
You mean the Mayor.
Well, you can forget it, 'cause he already refused to see us.
He will not refuse me.
He said he's going to see the Mayor.
Now, that sounds official.
Let's follow him.
- And where do you think you're going? - Inside.
- Oh, no, you're not.
- I order you to step aside.
Is that a fact? Why don't you be a good buddy and get down off the steps? You dare to touch the person of the imperator! I just touched your toga.
Touching my toga is tantamount to touching my person.
Don't let him hassle you, brother.
All right, you asked for it.
I'm gonna take you in.
I'll have you fed to the lions.
- Oh, boy.
- Officer.
Please.
Let me explain.
I know this man, and he's sort of a stranger here.
- Well, he's certainly dressed for the part.
- You don't understand.
Well, why don't you try and explain it to me? Will you please tell the officer who you are? You mean he doesn't know? I am Julius Caesar, Emperor of Rome.
Why don't you tell your friend that being a wise guy isn't going to help? No, no, Officer, you don't get the point.
Not too many people go around dressed like that and call themselves Julius Caesar.
There is only one Caesar, and I am he.
- You mean - Exactly.
- How did he get loose? - We weren't watching.
All right.
You can take him home.
Next time, try not to be so careless.
Thank you.
Come along, Julius.
You dare to touch - the person of the imperator? - Yes, sorry.
Sorry.
All right, the rest of you, let's get off the steps.
Come on, move it off.
I will not put on that absurd costume.
But we've got company coming.
If they see you wandering around dressed like that, they're bound to ask questions.
Good.
I welcome an opportunity to explain how I have been maligned in your history books.
Boy, have you got a one-track mind.
Sam? He won't put on the suit.
He won't even go upstairs.
Oh, well, that's all right.
We're working on another angle.
Esmeralda knows a spell to go back in time.
Now, Caesar was born in 102 B.
C.
, so all she has to do is cast a spell to go back to 103 B.
C.
Oh, terrific.
But can you speed it up a little? Our guests are due any minute.
Oh, dear.
Let me see if I can remember it.
Oh, yes.
One, two, buckle my shoe.
Three, four, close the door.
- Esmeralda? - Five, six Yes? That's a spell? Well, it is if you hold an ostrich feather in one hand and the gizzard of a lizard in the other.
- Sorry I asked.
- Well, we'll just have to improvise.
Now, there's a bottle of lizard oil on Darrin's desk.
If we're lucky, it'll work.
They're here.
Now remember, whatever happens, he's not to come out.
- Sam, Darrin.
- Hi, Larry.
I'd like you to meet a lady who is a legend in her own time.
- Miss Evelyn Charday.
- Oh, really, Larry.
You're too much.
- Isn't he too much? - Much too much.
Welcome to the club, Miss Charday.
We're all fans of Larry's.
- Come on in.
Have a drink.
- Oh, why, thank you.
Oh, my.
What a lovely home.
Caesar, return to days of yore.
Caesar, return to days of yore.
Listen, you're supposed to go back.
- Not until I can remove the blot on my name.
- Oh, dear.
What do you think? Should we pitch our ideas for the campaign now or wait till after dinner? - Well, that depends.
Do you have any ideas? - Of course not.
I was counting on you.
Well, then let's wait till after dinner, maybe I'll think of something by then.
What? - Well, here we are.
- How nice.
Thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Yes, of course.
- Larry? - Oh, thank you, Darrin.
We have a problem, all right.
As long as he refuses to go back, the spell won't work.
You mean we're stuck with him forever? We have to make him want to go back.
- Tempt him.
- Good idea.
- How? - There's only one way I can think of.
- What's going on out there? - Where? In there? Nothing, nothing.
Nothing at all.
And I think I'll take a look.
Caesar, for the last time, will you go back to the pages of history? I refuse.
Very well.
I guess I'll just have to show you what you'll be missing if you don't go back.
- Cleopatra, my love.
- Julius, my conqueror.
Sam, my - What is the big idea? - Well, I had to tempt him to go back.
Larry, when am I going to hear all those brilliant ideas for my new cologne? Why - Wouldn't you rather wait until after dinner? - No.
Let's go see what's going on in there.
I don't think you'll have any trouble with the spell now.
- 101, 102 - Listen, what's going on - Oh, Larry, you spoiled the whole thing.
- Oh, yes.
You spoiled it.
What'd he spoil? The thing.
Oh, yes, the whole thing.
Darrin wasn't quite ready.
Were you, Darrin? Oh, no.
Nowhere near ready.
Larry, you sly, grey fox, you led me right into this, didn't you? Well, I We We wanted to spring it on you.
- Well, Darrin, spring it.
- Oh, yes.
Well Well, it's It's the first How can I put it? It's the first in a series of full-page ads of great romances featuring Top Tiger cologne.
Personally, I love this idea.
Evelyn, now you've seen the picture, now for the caption.
"Top Tiger cologne, "the reason why Cleopatra let Julius seize her.
" Oh, brother.
"Let Julius seize her.
" Darrin, you have laboured and brought forth a mouse.
- That's absolutely marvellous! - And what a mouse.
Darrin, you've done it again.
I have an idea for a caption.
"Put a tiger in your toga.
" - How about serving dinner? - Sure.
- Shall we? - Larry, I must say you people have style.
- I think we're in business.
- Thank you.
Esmeralda, it's all yours.
So long, Caesar.
Hail and farewell! And thanks.
- Sam? - Yes, sweetheart? Look at this.
"Cab driver receives fortune in old Roman coins from unidentified hippie.
" That must be the cab driver who took Caesar downtown.
I don't know why he couldn't have dropped some of those old coins around here.
For Tabitha.
Considering he helped you get the Charday account, I think he did very well by you.
- How'd the meeting go? - Like silk.
She flipped over the whole idea of a sales campaign based on great romances of history.
Speaking of great romances Incidentally, you asked me to warn you, so I am.
Esmeralda's still here.
She's recovering, sort of.
I hope you didn't give her anything too complicated to do.
Oh, no, sweetheart.
She's making a simple hearts of palm salad.
- All she has to do is open a can.
- Good.
Well, I guess I'll go upstairs and Sam! Well, I guess I'll just have to face it.
With Esmeralda, nothing's simple.