Brassic (2019) s06e03 Episode Script

1
The following programme contains very
strong language and adult humour.
JIM: (SINGS)
We're on the fucking lash.
We're going last to fucking
(GROANS)
Why don't we do it in the road?
Here we fucking go.
Snooker fucking time!
Why don't we do it in the road?
Go for the pink.
Why don't we do it in the road?
Oh.
Fucking good old Vinnie.
(GROANS)
Mm.
(CHUCKLES)
(SNORES)
(DISTANT BANGING)
Huh, what the fuck?
Why don't we do it
In the road? ♪
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS, SNORES)
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Fucking hell.
Oh.
(GROANS)
Fucking Shirley.
What do you want? Goldilocks.
Ooh, fuck me. Er Yeah. Alright!
The best things in life are free
But you can give them
To the birds and bees ♪
Christ on a fucking bike.
What are playing at?!
You could have died
if he hadn't saved you.
It's your fault
for leaving me them spliffs.
You fucking SPECIFICALLY
told me to roll and leave you spliffs.
Have you said thanks to him for
saving your fucking life?
Thanks.
Wasn't really me, it was Elvis here.
He's my new er hired hand.
We were working late on the silage,
and I heard the alarm.
You're a fucking hero
is what you are, Elvis,
in your own bleeding lifetime, lad.
- Fuck me.
- Hey.
You should have seen the flames.
It were like Towering Inferno.
- Towering Inferno?
- Don't ask.
It'll be a shit fucking film
from a bygone age.
No. Star-studded cast -
Steve McQueen, Paul Newman.
- Faye Dunaway takes her top off.
- What are you gonna do tonight, eh?
- Cos you can't stay in there, can you?
- Fucking bollocks.
Soon as they've watered it down,
I'll be good as gold.
Fella. Sorry to bother
you. Have you got a sec?
MAN: Yeah.
What's the odds on him
staying in there, tonight?
Zero. It's full of toxic particles.
Toxic particles.
I'll leave the fucking window open.
- You're not getting back in there.
- Oh, for fuck's sake!
That Elvis is a nice lad, isn't he?
You could do with a nice strong
young man about that yard, you know?
- Well, don't say it like that.
- Say it like what?
- In a gay way.
- I'm not saying it in a gay way.
I'm saying you're not
getting any younger,
and if tonight's events were
anything to go by,
your fucking dementia's
bad an' all, in't it?
(GRUMBLES) Mind the bloody handle
on that. It's fucked.
I'm fine.
You're fucking not. You're old.
I tell you what
Elvis is a brave name to call
your son, in't it? Very bold.
It's like calling
your kid Caesar or summat.
It's a lot to live up to, that.
Went out with this woman once -
had a kid called Elvis.
Amazing, she was.
Computer whizz.
Hey, before it was fashionable.
- It's never been cool.
- Wasn't just sex, Vin.
- She got inside me.
- With the?
No! You fucking animal.
(LAUGHS)
You! Fucking hell.
Although
she was sexually adventurous.
- Was she, indeed?
- Very.
- Alright.
- No, Vin. VERY.
I fucking understand.
(SIGHS)
Beatrice Ebden.
I can see her now.
D Beatrice Ebden?
- Yeah
- You great twat.
- What?
- For God's sake, dude.
Bloody Elvis. I says to him
'Do you do any agency work?'
Give you a fucking hand
around the yard. He's text me
his fucking second name. Look.
Fucking hell. Elvis Ebden.
- He's Beatrice's son.
- When were last time you seen her?
- Years back.
- Well, he might be your lad.
He's not mine, is he?!
He was already born when I saw her.
Doesn't matter, though, does it?
So she had him before she met you.
- What's the problem?
- Nothing.
- Mm.
- It's just
Fucking hell.
Beatrice Ebden.
Beatrice bloody Ebden.
I need a wazz.
STATUS QUO:
Pictures Of Matchstick Men ♪
Fuck.
Fucking hell, Bea.
When I look up to the sky
I see your eyes
A funny kind of yellow ♪
(WHIMPERS)
Oh, bugger me.
(SNORES)
Morning.
Where do you keep coming from?
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Unknown number. Piss.
Oh, fuck it.
Hello.
Holy fuck!
(RINGS)
What?
Listen. I need to borrow an hearse and a
body bag cos we've gotta bring someone back.
- You paying?
- Meena, it's a favour.
- Well, how long's it gonna take?
- I
don't know.
(WHIMPERS)
Fuck's sake.
CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL:
Fortunate Son ♪
Some folks are born
Made to wave the flag ♪
(WHIMPERS)
I didn't know you had a dog.
I don't. He's not mine. It keeps
turning up at the bloody shack.
Don't know what to do with it now,
to be honest with you.
There's only two options. Well, three.
Oh! Maybe four. No, three.
Give me the fucking options
before I murder you.
- Adopt him.
- Right.
- Take him to the pound.
- Yeah.
Or
drive him right to the top
of Langworth Dale,
lob him out, let him fend for himself.
You're just an horrible
fucking old twat, aren't you?
I would rather live with that scruffy
bastard there than live with you.
There's services coming up there.
Can we stop?
Well, if we stop now, you'll piss,
then drink, then 20 minutes later,
your swollen old prostate will
have us stopping all over again.
Well, fine.
I'll use your water bottle, then!
- Hey!
- Gross.
- Do not get that out!
- It's coming down the valve.
- No. You dare put your dick in there!
- Oh, I'm loosening. I swear to God.
- Oh.It's coming out!
- One drop, and I swear to God!
- The fucking services, then!
- Fine!(CHUCKLES)
Fuck. Disgusting farmer dick.
(MUTTERING)
Oh, fucking
How, in God's name,
has it taken you that long?
I've bought a coffee, drank the coffee,
smoked a fag and called my mum.
It turned into a surprise shit.
- Did it?
- Yeah.
But not a satisfying one.
It was a hanger. There was
a piece that wouldn't fall.
So I had to sit a minute
and encourage it.
- Right, can we go?
- Hey.
You'll never guess what they've
got in there, in the condom machine.
Vibrating dilly rings.
Vibrating dilly rings?
- And tingly body rub.
- Is 'dilly' your word or theirs?
- Mine.
- You call your penis a dilly?
Eh. You're missing the point.
Who goes to a fucking services
and thinks,
'Oh, I'll treat myself
to some tingly body lotion
and a vibrating dilly ring?'
It's bad enough
I've had to tolerate your halitosis
for the first half of this trip.
And now you're talking about tingly
body rub and vibrating dilly rings.
A woman can only take so much.
You're a bit fucking uptight,
aren't you?
No wonder your husband left you.
You fucking what?
Hey? Unlike you
I've got time to find someone better.
Someone that's gonna fucking love me,
which is something a disgusting,
stinky old dilly-ring twat
like you will never find!
I'm lovable!
- I've been loved.
- Fuck off!
- And I'll be loved again!
- Yes, guys.
Wagwan. You alright?
She's fucking bats.
(WHIMPERS)
Is everything alright?
- Fuck. Watch my fucking head.
- Oh, sorry.
Woo, he's a big weeing lad, aren't you?
(RINGS)
- MAN: (ON INTERCOM) Hello?
- Er Now, then. Er Undertakers.
We're here to collect a body
from flat five.
- A body?!
- Yes, shame. Drugs.
Drug taking.
Fucking hell.
- Who called you?
- The Landlord.
- Finchy?
- Yes Mr Finch.
Did you know him, flat five man?
No. Not at all. Never met him.
Oh.Well, erm
you can leave it to us now.
Why's there a scruffy old tramp
in your hearse?
He's sad. He's a sad
He's a relative.
- He's a relative of the deceased.
- With a dog?
Oh, yeah. It's all he's got left,
unfortunately. It's heartbreaking.
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Oh, dear.
You're a hero.
Thanks for letting us in.
- OK.
- Ah, just go!
Be careful!
Do you want an invite
to the funeral, fella?
- No.
- Right you are.
This way, please.
Why the fuck does Vinnie want me
to bring a baby to an undertaker's?
I'm really sorry, Sugar, to drag
you down here, you and the baba.
But I need you to come and
identify this body. Unfortunately.
You fucking kidding? I don't wanna see
a dead body. Who is it?
No, I'm not kidding.
No, and no-one said it isn't sad.
Jim, if you could just
take the top zip there, please.
- Do you recognise this man?!
- Ooh!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
(CHEERING)
How are you back?
I just couldn't
be away from you any longer.
And the police were onto me,
so we had to get out of undercover.
I've missed you both, so much.
I mean, if you can even miss someone
you've never met before.
Well, you can meet him now.
(LAUGHS)
- One boy.
- Oh, Christ.
Look at him!
(CHUCKLES)
It's my little boy. Hello!
- Look at his little hands
- Precious man.
Oh, come here.
(BABY CRIES)
- Say hello to your dad. Say hello!
- It's OK.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
(COOING)
Look at him.
I left my head
Look behind, moving on
Moving on ♪
(KICKS DOOR)
Shirley!
I need a place to stay.
- Well, well, well.
- I got kicked out of Vinnie's shack.
We may have had
our differences over the years,
but like the European Union -
before you idiots got us out -
I see us as a shared community.
- How long you on holiday for?
- Seven days. Four-star hotel.
- Breakfast included.
- I'll be out before you get back.
Spare room only.
I'll be locking my bedroom door.
You don't go in, and no shoes
on my rugs. And no smoking.
- Anything else?
- Yeah.
Fucking thank you.
Fucking thank you.
LOVE AFFAIR:
The First Cut Is The Deepest ♪
Oh, posh place.
But there's someone
Who's torn it apart
And she's taken almost all
That I've got
And if you want
I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again
But I know
The first cut is the deepest ♪
(MUSIC STOPS)
ODETTA: Hit Or Miss ♪
(VOCALISING)
(VOCALISING)
Hello, Bea. Fancy a drink?
Yes.
(LAUGHS)
Not fucking bad, Jim.
I've gotta be me ♪
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
Oh, I see my appointment.
Selling some shares.
Alright.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
Silicon Valley, eh?
What are they like? Twats.
I thought we did very well. Alright.
(LAUGHS)
- See you tomorrow.
- See you later.
Nice chatting, pal.
Er Meeting cancelled.
(ALARM CHIRPS)
Oh.
Fancy seeing you here, Bea.
Oh, it's been so long.
Well, er it's just a coincidence.
Shit!
You alright down there?
Fine. Just ignore me.
Have you lost something?
No. I'm hiding.
Just get on with what you're doing.
I'm afraid you can't sit there, mate.
- Why not?
- It's Health and Safety.
It's a floor.
What do you think's gonna happen?
- Something could fall on you.
- It's fucking breadsticks.
I'm gonna have to ask you to move.
When I was your age, I was stirring
slurry and getting into fist fights,
not putting breadsticks on shelves
and wanking to Pornhub.
I'm gonna call my supervisor.
- Fucking do that, pal.
- Brendan.
This man's on the floor,
and he's refusing to move.
Jim?
Bea.
I I dropped something.
Ha, God!
Fancy meeting you here.
I know! It's been
How long's it been?
- Ages.
- Ages.
- God. I mean, this is madness!
- Yeah!
- Well, give us a hug.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
(LAUGHS)
You're looking well.
- Do you work round here, then?
- Er Yeah, not far. Porter Collins.
Never heard of 'em.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Are you er still on the old?
For my sins.
(CHUCKLING)
I always told you
I was ahead of the curve.
You did.
Are you still?
I mean, what else am I gonna do, eh?
It's real man's work, in't it?
It's so lovely to see you, Jim.
You too.
Right.
Right.
I suppose
you know, if it
if it's not too weird
Well, maybe we could meet up,
you know, go for a drink or something?
Sir.
I'm informed you've
been unpleasant to my staff,
so I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave the store.
I'm having a conversation
with this lady,
so why don't you and you
come back to me when you've
finished fucking puberty.
- I can call the police.
- Well, why don't you do that, then?
And then they can arrest this chap
for crimes against haircuts.
I'm instructing the till operator
not to serve you.
OK, then, we'll use self-checkout.
Unbelievable.
- It's fashion.
- Yeah, right.
(CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY)
(SCOFFS)
(CHUCKLES) My card.
Cretinous, I know,
but they make us carry them.
Thanks, Bea.
AIR: Sexy Boy ♪
- I'll speak to you.
- I'll be in touch.
Good.
DAVEY: So
what do you think, Vincent?
VINNIE: Shit.
Look. I don't
I don't mind
I don't mind working with you.
But I'm not working with McCann.
He's fucking dangerous.
Don't you worry
about McCann, sweetheart.
I'm dealing with him personally
although he's an impossible man
to get hold of.
Now, listen, Vincent.
(DOG WHINES)
Jason has set up a meeting
for me and Donna,
with Joey Kittens, the distributor.
And I'm hearing that he's a man
not to be messed with.
He's been known to dish out punishment
beatings with his three-inch heels.
Oh, shit. Right, well, just Fuck.
Let me know when it's all sorted.
I've gotta go off-radar for a bit.
- I've got some personal shit going on.
- Off-radar?
- Playing with your pooch?
- No, he's not mine.
It's cute. Whose is it?
I don't know, poor little bugger.
I'll tell you one thing.
Mm.
He fucking hates white guys
with moustaches.
That's a strange prejudice for a dog.
- Mm.
- Hello.
Come here. Come to Davey. (GROWLS)
(GROWLS)
(GROWLS)
(BARKS)
D'you know what I mean?
(SNARLS)
If he growls at me
like that again, Vincent,
I'll drop kick the motherless mutt
into Manolito's
marvellously manicured maze.
- Christ, that's a lot of M's.
- Toodle-oo, Vincent.
Alright.
Come on, sexy bollocks,
let's have you. Oh, Christ,
Talking about sexy fucking bollocks.
Size of them fuckers.
Got this, Jim.
(MUSIC PLAYS IN NEXT ROOM)
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
- No!
- No. No. We did.
We dropped the whole lot.
Oh, my God! How much was that worth?
Oh, thousands.
One spunk sample
from a film-star bull
can sell for hundreds of pounds.
- Wow, I'm in the wrong business.
- (LAUGHS) You are.
Bull jizz, that's where
the real dough is. (CHUCKLES)
Mind you, you're doing alright.
Porter Collins
online security executive.
I sit at a desk all day
staring at columns of code.
My back's playing havoc,
and my neck constantly burns.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.(CHUCKLES)
Can I tell you something?
- Oh, God, you're not dying, are you?
- Oh!
Heart of a fucking ox, me.
(CHUCKLES)
No, it's about, erm
- ..how we met again.
- Right.
(SIGHS) The accidental meeting
..wasn't so accidental.
- How do you mean?
- Right, don't get angry, but
..I'd looked you up on your website.
And then, sort of followed you.
(STAMMERS) Not in a creepy way.
I-I just wanted to see you again.
I wasn't even sure
I was gonna say anything.
What prompted that?
Well, it's, erm
..your Elvis.
I met him. He saved my life.
He's working at the next farm.
He didn't recognise me.
Not a flicker.
And I didn't recognise him.
(STAMMERS) It was just the name.
Yeah. He's a good boy.
He got over it.
I suppose kids
..adapt and
- ..forget.
- Took a while.
After what happened.
I kept my marriage together
for a while, for his sake.
But eventually
- How about you?
- Well.
(CHUCKLES)
Mine was as good as over then.
God, this has got heavy, hasn't it?
- Yeah.
- Let's get another drink.
- Yeah. Yeah. Hey, mate.
- Let's get-
Can we have the same again?
ETTA JAMES: A Sunday Kind Of Love ♪
You know one of those daft things
that stays with you?
- I've no idea why.
- What?
We used to always
start each phone call with
- Hey, missy.
- Hey, mister.
(CHUCKLES)
And we'd end them with,
- 'Bye, you.'
- Bye, you.
We were cute.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
I see couples like that now
and I wanna vomit.
(CHUCKLES)
Me too.
So what now?
I've er
I've got an early start
..in the morning.
Yeah. Yeah, me too.
- Right, well, er
- Absolutely.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- Right, then.
Well, we'll do this another time,
- if you like?
- Yeah. Yeah, definitely!
- Yeah.
- Definitely.
- Definitely.
- Bye, Jim.
Bye, Bea.
Fuck.
JJ: Do you know what, yeah?
I've had a lot of time to think
while I've been away.
And I've figured out a theory about
how I've ended up in this fucking mess.
D'you think it's cos
you sold class A's, like a twit?
No, dude.
- Sarim.
- Sarim.
- He's fucking set me up.
- Why would your cousin set you up?
Because he's a fucking prick,
and I've always hated him.
- Look, just hear me out, right?
- Go on.
I was only storing coke in
the garage for a cut of the profit.
- Which is also a dick move.
- Yeah, alright, I know.
But even then,
literally selling tiny amounts.
Just to make a little bit more
for the baby.
But Sarim
he sold fucking kilos of it.
And I think he has thrown me under
the bus to deflect from himself.
Fucking hell. Right, well, we better
prove your bloody innocence.
We better do it quick, an' all, if
you're gonna get a lesser sentence.
Do you know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna set him up.
Am I a genius, or am I a genius?
You are a genius, but it looks
I just feel like
they might be a bit showbiz.
Showbiz they may look, but what
the untrained eye doesn't see
There's a high definition camera
right in the middle of these specs.
It's in the frame, wired in.
Next question?
Why do you have 'em?
Got them online. Just thought
they were quite exciting
in a James Bond kind of way.
They're nothing like Ja
James Bond doesn't even wear glasses.
Yeah, well, I got these as well.
Cigarettes, little camera inside.
That's good.
I like this one. It's a lot less.
Whose dog is that?
Has it been here the whole time?
I forgot about him.
He's been abandoned.
It's a fucking shame.
I'm just looking after him.
Stay on topic, will you?
You always do this.
Right, right. We go and see Sarim.
What are we trying to achieve?
We want a confession.
So, he thinks JJ's on the run, right?
I'm gonna offer up JJ's garage.
Then we'll just push him
for more information.
- Know what I mean?
- Think that'll work?
Fuck, yeah, it'll work.
Sarim's a greedy fuck.
He'll see pounds signs. Anyway.
Look, we've got all t'gear.
- Yeah.
- Maybe not them, though.
Speaking of pushing for information.
I'm James Bond, and you're stung.
They don't look like
James Bond glasses, dude.
- These are very cool.
- He's never said anything like that.
This is what they wear in West London.
(WITH POSH ACCENTS)
Hello. Hello. Well!
- Welcome to London.
- Mate. Mate. Mate.
Tommo, will you come pick us up?
They're driving me fucking mad,
these two cunts. Good lad.
BEN E KING: Fever ♪
Now
JJ wants you to know
he's safe, alright?
He also wants you to know
that that garage
that's yours to do what you will.
You know what I mean? Now, listen.
He's giving you the garage
under one condition.
You have to give us
10% of whatever it is
that you fucking sell in
or store in the garage.
You understand what I'm
fucking getting at?
Eg cocaine.
- Cocaine.
- Cocaine?
- I mean, it's cocaine, in't it?
- It's cocaine, yeah.
Cocaine.
It's probably cocaine.
- Cocaine?
- Cocaine.
Cocaine.
I'm an estate agent.
- Cocaine.
- It's a generous offer, but
all that drugs business is JJ's doing.
How many fucking houses do you sell?
You drive a fifty grand car
living in that fucking enormous house.
You're not hiding it well, are you?
What's he on?
That fucking beautiful estate -
Leycroft, or some shit.
I'm involved in nothing.
I'm a hard-working man
that goes out every day
and builds a life for his family.
I'm a loving husband,
and an honest, decent man.
Yeah.
Send JJ my best.
Nice glasses, by the way.
Nice shoot. Suit. Fuck!
Who wears Joop nowadays?
Do you know what I mean?
He didn't trust us during that.
I don't know why.
It's your Mr Magoo glasses.
- Isn't it?
- You look like Edna Mode.
- That's such a good reference. Well in.
- Incredibles.
I should have brought
the cigarette packet instead.
Right, well, we tried as best,
didn't we, eh?
All we can do now is give JJ a very
good happy-going-to-jail party.
TELEMAN: Short Life ♪
Hello, again, yeah, it's me again
I changed my hair
I changed my address
But the feelings follow
Wherever you tread
I sing for money
Dance if you like
Take a picture, it's a short life
I wanna feel alive
(CHEERING)
Short life
Burning on and not turning back
It's a short life, short life
Burning on and not turning back
A short life
Underneath the same sun
So hold on to someone
It's a short life, a short life
So dance with someone, come on ♪
(DOOR WHIRRS)
(DOOR LOCKS)
Well, this is unexpected.
Joey
I'm Donna.
- And I want to start by saying
- No.
You're wearing lovely lippy.
And I like your hair.
It flatters you.
But when it comes to business,
I'm old-school.
So I'll be talking to your brother. Hm?
We're an equal partnership
aren't we?
Like Wham.
So, what is it you want from me?
Continuity, sweetheart.
In Manolito's absence,
we provide the same product,
and the relationship continues
as it did before.
The only change being I'm not Egyptian,
and I don't have
a penchant for exotic monkeys.
Except that one.
(LAUGHTER)
OK, agreed.
As long as you get authorisation from
Mr McCann, we're continuity-a-go-go.
That's a dealbreaker is it?
Problem, exotic monkey?
No, absolutely no problem at all.
Is it, Donna?
(CAR DOOR OPENS)
Okey-dokey.
I mean, I might get ten years.
I can't get fucking ten years.
How are you gonna get ten years
on a first offence?
- You thick twat.
- Well, five, then.
Come out of prison,
little fella's gonna be in school.
He's not even gonna know me.
ASHLEY: What else are you gonna do,
JJ? You've tried running.
It's either go to prison or hide out in
Vin's shack for the rest of your life.
That bloke in the Scottish
Highlands, he did forty years -
said he preferred being alone.
That sounds nice.
Fucking sounds nice. You can't
be on your own for five minutes.
You can't have a poo
without needing a chat.
Fucking Sarim, yeah?
Do you know what pisses me off?
I know he's been up
to all kinds of shit.
I've been to his house.
I've seen him on his fucking laptop.
But he's Teflon, ain't he? Everyone
thinks he's this respectable guy.
We need access to his computer, so.
None of us know how to do that.
Oh, fucking Beatrice!
Beatrice, dude.
What about her?
You told me she was a computer whizz.
You ask her.
- Oh, no.
- You will.
- No. No. No. No.
- Come on.
Every single time I've fucking
involved a female friend
in your bullshit,
it ends in fucking disaster!
- One time.
- Twice.
- This'll be the third?
- Yes!
JJ: Jim.
Does she know how to hack
into computers?
Almost certainly.
- She's gotta fucking help me, then.
- She's a fucking professional person!
- She can fucking give us a hand.
- Jim, look at that baby's face.
- Do not make me look at the baby.
- Look at that baby.
I won't look at the baby!
Do you want that baby to grow up
without his dad? (YELLING)
Look at the baby.
Aww.
(GRUNTS)
- I'll ask her, you fucking twats.
- Yes! Good lad.
BEATRICE: Are you aware
of the 1990 Computer Misuse Act?
Or the 2018 Data Protection Act?
I mean, cybercrime carries
a potential two-year imprisonment.
You're right. I told 'em.
But he's a desperate man,
and he's clutching at straws.
Look, forget I asked. I'll bell him
up and tell him it's no dice.
Hey. I didn't say I wouldn't do it.
I just said it's incredibly risky.
But I could be persuaded.
- Bea
- What?
Are you sure about this?
Oh! Well, it seems you are.
Oh, I've got a boner
like a wood mallet.
But your lad's in that field.
I'm parked round the back -
he doesn't know I'm here.
Bea.
Splitting up with you
..it did a number on me.
I don't wanna open myself up
to that again.
You won't. I promise.
(GRUNTS)
You and me were right, Jim.
It's just the time that was wrong.
(GRUNTS)
I still like ALL the same things.
Oh, fuck.
(MOANING)
T REX: 20th Century Boy ♪
Right, I've set a program running
that scans 100,000 options a minute
to crack Sarim's password.
- Does it usually work?
- What's your password?
Carol 6969.
- Christ.
- Exactly.
It's something easy to remember.
You want my advice, use an underscore -
massive pain in the bum
to hack an underscore.
Right, well, let's hope
Sarim hasn't used one.
- No, we're in.
- VINNIE: You're fucking joking.
- That was really fucking quick.
- Expert, you see?
Computer genius.
It's just about
knowing the right software.
Right, I need plausible deniability.
I'm not looking at a single email.
I'm going to leave the room
and fix myself a drink.
- Listen, like, thank you so much.
- Pleasure.
- She's amazing.
- You, dickhead.
- Where the fuck did you find her?
- She's an old friend of mine.
I think you're punching
way above your weight.
OK, right, we need notes, screenshots -
anything in these emails
that can incriminate Sarim.
Go on. I don't
understand this shit, dude.
Now I've done a favour for him,
I need yous to do a favour for me.
There's a sentence to put
the fear of God into the heart.
- What do you want from us?
- You're travellers.
You live in shitty caravans.
- Oi!
- Fucking watch it, Jim.
We are fucking travellers.
We don't live in shitty caravans.
Your fucking people do. I need one
to live in while the repairs
are being done on my house.
- Are you not staying with Paslowski?
- Yeah, while he's away.
But he's due back on Sunday, and
I'm not gonna stay living with him
like we're Morecambe and cunting Wise.
OK. I have an idea. Now,
will you require an indoor toilet?
Fuck me, you'll need a fucking
indoor, outdoor, the lot.
Unless you want him shitting all
over t'front garden like a feral fox.
Bloody arsehole on this bastard here.
It's weary from years of toil.
ALL: Oh!
Well, it looks like
you've still got some feelings
for the old flame, doesn't it, eh?
- What makes you think that?
- Well, I fucking saw it. I could tell.
(SCOFFS) Women.
They just break your heart
and screw you up.
Well, sounds like there's a story
in that. Are you gonna tell me?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Oh, will you piss off, man?
Get it off your fucking chest.
Come on.
We were both married but not happy.
We started having an affair.
It was the first time
in my life, that
I couldn't stop thinking about someone.
- I was fucking besotted.
- Yeah.
Oh, I know you think I'm just
an old cunt that stinks of pigs.
You are.
- But I have feelings, Vin.
- I know.
Just because I don't post 'em on
Facefuck like the rest of the world.
Don't Don't get into
one of your rants.
Tell me how you split up.
What happened?
Well, she's sexually
very adventurous.
- You did Yeah, you mentioned that.
- No, Vin.
(WHISPERS) Very.
(MOUTHING)
- I mean, I'm broadminded.
- Hmm.
But every time we'd done one thing
- she wanted to push it further.
- Right.
- And further.
- Alright.
Yeah, and you do it, don't you,
if you're besotted?
Yeah. I know what you mean.
Yeah. I get it, I do. I mean
Well, we were at her house one day.
Thought we had
the place to ourselves, and
she'd arranged this
particular adventure.
And we were right in the midst of it -
fucking worst possible moment
- ..when in walked little Elvis.
- Oh, shit.
We didn't see him straight away
because, like, we were so
I mean, fucking God knows
how much he saw.
But we just heard this little voice.
- (HIGH-PITCHED) 'Mummy?'
- Ah.
And he was just fucking stood there
Yeah
like the fucking image
would be burnt on his eyeballs
for the rest of his fucking life.
- How old was he, though?
- Oh, I dunno, eight?
Eight.
She ended it with me straight away.
It broke her marriage,
and it tore
that fucking kid's life apart.
I should never
have gone looking for her.
I should get her back
out of my life again.
Jimbo, that's a shit idea
if she's making you happy.
Happy? And what is happy?
It's like the fucking sunshine.
Oh, it's nice while it's out,
and then suddenly, the clouds come
along, and you're piss-wet through.
Fuck it.
Happiness is a cunt.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Sarim, you naughty boy.
Ah, guys!
Guys! I think I know
what's going on. Right.
We are gonna need some hardcore
surveillance on this fucker!
- Who knows how to use a camera?
- I do.
Aye, and me. I also please.
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Let me have a go?
- No.
Please.
Do you know how to use it?
Er Yes.
I've used a camera before, Meena.
OK, keep the subject centre of frame.
Use a long focal length for
exaggerated depth of field.
Use shorter lengths to balance sharpness
between foreground and background.
Be careful of camera shake.
These lenses magnify
the worst parts of your photo.
Oh, my God! You just keep it, then.
BEASTIE BOYS: Sure Shot ♪
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Shit, he's on the move. Go.
I'm on like Dr John, yeah, Mr Zu Zu
I'm a newlywed, not a divorcee
And everything I do is funky
Like Lee Dorsey
Well, it's the taking
Of the Pelham 123
If you want a doody rhyme
- Get down.
- What are you doing?
- Just get down. Just be a tripod.
- Fuck.
- Hey!
- Hey, you said you wanted to help.
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Not like this. It's demeaning, Meena.
Just stay still.
I keep my underwear up
with a piece of elastic
I use a bullshit mic
that's made out of plastic
Can I at least press the button?
Fine, go on.
Thank you.
Cos you can't
You won't, and you don't stop ♪
- Fine.
- Oh, yeah, finally.
(EXHALES)
(PHONE BEEPS)
(LINE RINGS)
BEATRICE: (ON VOICEMAIL) Hello, this
is Beatrice Ebden, leave a message.
(BEEP)
Bea.
It's Jim.
Listen, there's summat I need to say.
(TRACTOR ENGINE CHUGS)
Jim?!
Jim, you fucking deaf cunt!
(TRACTOR DOOR CLOSES)
Jim?!
Ha, mister! Do you know where Jim is?
Oh, he'll be over on his own farm.
I'm after getting him a caravan,
but I need a big strong vehicle
to help me pull it along.
- I can help, if you like?
- You can?
Oh, my God, you're an angel.
Do you know that?
VINNIE: This is our opportunity
to look fucking cool.
- I wanna see some smouldering.
- ASHLEY: Mm.
CARDI: Intimidation.
- Absolutely!
- Yeah.
- Entrapment.
- Don't mention entrapment.
Listen, don't mention entrapment
or anything like that.
- Here we go.
- Oh, yeah, look, pillars.
- Just listen.
- Let's lean.
- Lean on the pillars.
- Don't do anything daft.
Already, you're fuckin'
getting on my tits. (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Looks cool.
- Don't lean on the pillars.
Intimidation. It's threatening and cool.
Dude, it looks like
a Christian rock album.
The three Muske-fuckheads.
Nice to see you, too, Sarim.
Yeah, what the fuck are you lot
doing here? This is my house.
What if my wife was here?
I don't want her knowing
I associate with low lives.
We knew your wife weren't here, Sarim.
We watched her leave.
- That was cool.
- Foreboding.
- That was foreboding.
- Yeah.
- Smouldering and everything.
- You've been watching my house?
Some new information has come to light.
May we?
This is you leaving
your estate agent's office.
This is you arriving at a house
for sale, meeting a female client.
Here you are going inside
with said female client.
Doing the same thing again,
at another house for sale,
with another female client,
and again, meeting a female client.
- That's you.
- That's me. Mixed them up.
- Why have you got that in there?
- That's one of mine. Yeah.
So what are you suggesting?
You're taking your lady friends
into the houses you have for sale.
And then I'll tell you
what you're doing.
I think you're using other people's
houses to store and sell your drugs.
Prove it.
Here you are receiving a
package full of drugs from this man.
Arriving at another house for sale,
waiting for this man
to come and get it
from a black duffel bag.
I'm gonna take all this shit
we've gathered here,
and I'm gonna give it to Carl Slater.
- That dog-bumming twat?
- Yeah, the very same.
And when he sees all this, I think
he's gonna wanna look at houses
- two, five, and seven, is it?
- Mm.
I reckon there's gonna be
a bunch of drugs in there
that belong to you an' all, in't there?
Looks like we're gonna have to ring
Detective Poodle Shagger.
- That's a bit close.
- Oh!
- Too close.
- Fucking JJ!
He deserves jail!
He ruined my fucking wedding.
So, yes, I set him up!
And I'll tell you now,
if you lot squeal on me,
I'll take that bastard down with me.
I'll say he's up to his eyes in gear.
And whatever I get,
he's gonna get the fucking same.
Now, get the fuck out of my house.
Yeah, I think we've got it. Say cheese.
Sorry about that.
(GRUNTS)
THEE SACRED SOULS:
Can I Call You Rose? ♪
A voicemail? Really?
Look, I just wanted to say
what I needed to say.
I helped your friend.
That was a criminal act.
You owe me.
Well, at least let me inside
so we can talk about this.
Come on.
(ON VIDEO) I'll take
that bastard down with me.
And whatever I get,
he's gonna get the fucking same.
That's quite the dossier.
Now, listen. JJ's no angel,
but he's not been selling cocaine
like Sarim's been
selling fucking cocaine.
Yeah. He still jumped bail.
Yes, but only because,
you know, he's er
scared and innocent.
- Innocent?
- He was just frightened.
He had no money
and this brand-new baby on the way.
So he sold a bit of gear like a muppet.
Yeah, well, you know,
it's understandable.
It's what any parents-to-be would do
- take up the drug trade.
- Here, look, just trust me.
We're all mad with him
for doing what he's done.
He's missed the birth of his son.
I-I mean
he's been terrified - looking over
his fucking shoulder for months now.
Boo-hoo.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Fucking hell, right.
No, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I'm doing it. Carl. Carl, come here.
Look at that baby.
- I'm not looking at a baby.
- Look at it.
Look at the fucking baby, Carl.
Right? Look at it!
Look at it, square in the eye.
Right, do you want that baby
to grow up fatherless?
Listen. Look at all three of us
under a fucking bridge, doing this.
He had no mum and dad,
in and out of foster homes
all his life, and now he's fucked.
My dad was a pisshead, and my mam
fucked off when I was only little.
I'm fucked! You had no dad around.
- Your nan had to drag you up.
- And her poodle.
- I swear to God
- Argh.
Are you gonna
bring the fucking poodle up now?
- Tell him you're sorry.
- Sorry. I am, actually. I'm sorry.
Listen, sending JJ to jail
serves zero purpose.
- Whereas Sarim
- And his supplier.
You know, cos he will cough up.
But look, we're gonna
have to move fucking quick,
or he's gonna move the evidence, man.
(TRACTOR APPROACHES)
Oh.
Should we not leave
it outside Jim's house?
Oh, no, there's a few repairs
I can help him with.
I'll just get the tools.
You're a good man, you know, Elvis?
- You just help us uncouple it?
- No bother.
LOVE AFFAIR:
The First Cut Is The Deepest ♪
Mum?
I would have given you
all of my heart
(GROANING, GRUNTING)
And she's taken
almost all that I've got
(GROANING, GRUNTING)
Baby, try to love again
JIM: It won't fit in there! Argh!
(JIM AND BEATRICE MOANING)
Mummy?
(SQUELCHING)
The first cut is the deepest
Fuck! Fucking hell!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Fucking cunt!
(WHIMPERS)
Fucking Fucking cunt
When it comes
to being lucky, I know
That's how I know
The first cut is the deepest
Baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest
(INHALES)
(EXHALES)
I still want you by my side
Just to help me
dry the tears from my eyes
And I'm sure gonna give you a try
And if you want
I'll try to love again ♪
(DOOR RELEASE BUZZES)
(DISTANT CHATTER)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
It looks like Manolito's cruise has
gone through the Bermuda Triangle.
He's not coming back.
What would you like me to do
about the usurpers?
Manolito
had something very precious of mine.
And I want it back.
Keep them close
and pretend
everything's nice and dandy.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Mm.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Hello, everybody!
Oh, my
(ALL EXCLAIM)
- Where are all your clothes?
- We live in a big community.
We have no possessions. No phones.
No internet. No underpants.
I am gonna go in, undercover.
(SUGAR YELPS)
- See if they are ripping him off or not.
- Judith, Jon.
- This is Ashley.
- Did you see it, Jon?
What, his massive penis?
There is no need Oh!
- Why don't you join us?
- Yeah.
(EXHALES)
Join us, Ash.
(ECHOING) Yes, Ashley, join us.
Sub extracted from file & improved by
I got so much trouble in my mind
I got so much trouble in my mind
Give me the strength to carry on
Give me the strength to carry on
Cos everything I got
Is just about gone
And I think about it
I think about it ♪