Dad's Army (1968) s06e03 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? There we are, Mr Wilson.
That's better.
Now the hairness of your serge is all pointing in the same direction.
We can't have you going on a highly important parade with your serge hairness all going in the wrong direction, can we? No, we can't.
Thank you so much, Jonesy.
I am sure it's absolutely delightful.
Yeah.
You got any notion what the parade's for? No, not the foggiest.
I know we have to get out to the station then Captain Mainwaring is going to read out the sealed orders.
Oh, yes.
And then Oh, yes.
We've got to look very, very tidy.
Well, you better do your cuffs up.
Come on, do your cuffs up.
-And your collar.
-All right, Jonesy.
I promise you I will.
-Morning, Wilson.
-Good morning, sir.
Morning.
-Morning, Corporal.
-Morning, sir.
-Not late, am I? -No, no.
Not at all, sir.
I had to pop into the chemist's for Mrs Mainwaring.
-Of course, he kept me waiting.
-Of course.
Nothing serious I hope, sir? No, no, no.
She just can't sleep.
It's these air raids.
Well, there haven't been any lately, have there? Well, she imagines them even if they're not there.
-A very highly-strung woman.
-Yes, sir.
So you said, sir.
Slightest noise, she tosses and turns till sunrise.
Dustbin lid blew off last night and before you could say Jack Robinson, she was under my bunk with the gasmask on.
Took me 20 minutes to persuade her to come out.
Nightgown all covered in fluff.
I started to brush it off and oh, dear me, a terrible set-to.
Dreadful.
Couldn't you get something for her? Some sleeping tablets or something.
Well, that's exactly what I have done.
Chemist says these will put her out like a light.
Good.
We never had any modern medication in the Sudan, you know, sir.
All we had was cascara and bicarbonate of soda.
That wouldn't have been much help for Mrs Mainwaring, would it? No, neither was much good at making you sleep.
They're very good at making you run and belch, though.
There was lots of running and belching in the Sudan, you know, sir.
Oh, yes, I'm sure.
-Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes, Frank.
Do we know what the parade's for yet, sir? No, not till we get down to the station and I open the sealed orders.
In that case I think we better be on the safe side and I'll take the Tommy gun.
I ought to carry it 'cause I haven't had it for three weeks and two days and it's my turn again today.
Thank you.
-You stupid boy, look what you've done now.
-I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring.
-You've broken the bottle.
-I'll pick them all up.
Don't worry.
-Careful, those cost me 1 3 shillings.
-Really? Look at that, Mr Mainwaring.
Look, sir.
That's got all broken glass in them.
You can't have Mrs Mainwaring eating broken glass.
That could be fatal.
-That could mean instant death.
-Yes.
Well, just Just dust them over a bit.
Wilson, have you got anything I can put these in? An envelope or something? I'll have a look.
I think there may be a bottle in here, in this top left-hand drawer.
Belongs to the vicar, but I don't suppose he'll mind.
Yes.
-Look to be one or two tablets in there.
-Yes.
Oh, it's saccharin.
That's all, sir.
Saccharin, yes.
Says so here on the bottle.
You see, one tablet per lump of sugar.
See? Yuck.
I'd rather do without the sugar.
Well, it won't do Mrs Mainwaring any harm, sir.
I mean, it might even sweeten her nature.
-Just fall the men in, will you? -Yes.
StIll In London, In London, In London #And he would be In London Town If London BrIdge was fallIng down # # Drinking on your inner hearth There's braggarts in me steps # You've never felt the tangle of the iron # And if you show it to the pictures Then you'll get a stronger brew Squad halt.
Fall out.
-Captain Mainwaring, sir.
-Yes, Frazer? Your tea is on the brew, sir.
-Well done, Frazer.
-Thank you.
Now, we've got a few minutes before I have to open these sealed orders, so you better take your tea break now.
-Right.
-Hang on.
Hang on.
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
Now, before you get stuck into it, it's threepence a cup.
Tea is very hard to come by these days.
-Hey, Joe.
-Hello.
Before you begin collecting the money, son, there's no milk and sugar.
-Couldn't Mike have got you some? -No, he didn't arrive.
Well, not to worry.
Hang on.
Blimey! It's locked.
Joe Walker, you'll burn in the devil's own private furnace.
What are you talking about? Who got it for him in the first place? -Mr Mainwaring? -Yes.
Mr Mainwaring, when you've opened your sealed orders and read them, are you going to eat them? Eat them? What on earth for? So that they don't fall into the hands of spies and quislings.
Sir, I'd like to volunteer to eat your secret orders, sir.
-I'd consider it a great honour, sir.
-Oh, be quiet.
-JONES: What's the matter with him? -You can't say a word to him.
MAINWARING: Jones, be quiet.
-All right, stand by, everybody.
-Stand by.
I'm about to open the sealed orders.
Pay attention while the officer opens the secret orders.
Absolute silence while the officer opens the secret orders.
We're in absolute silence now, sir.
You all right, sir? -It's this blasted bottle you gave me.
I can't -Can I help at all? You sure? -Here, hold it.
-All right.
-Map.
-Right.
-Don't lose that.
-No, sir, no.
-Might need it.
-Yes.
Ah, here we are.
Right.
Outside, Wilson.
-I won't look, sir.
-Outside, please.
Right, sir.
Right.
Ah! What is it, sir? What is it, sir? I can't stand the suspicion.
-He's not there, sir.
-Who? Get in your place, Jones.
Now, this is very exciting news, and I want you to listen very carefully.
Yes, listen carefully.
The officer is about to divest himself of the secret orders.
And it's very exciting news so listen carefully.
-Thank you, Corporal.
-They're listening carefully.
Yes, obviously.
Gather a little closer, will you? I'm not going to speak in a loud voice because this secret must not be known by anybody outside this room.
-Understand? -Sir.
In 20 minutes' time, a train will come through the station.
There you are.
I told you it had to do with trains.
And it will be carrying the person of His Majesty King George VI.
King George VI! What's he coming here for? The rotary dance is not until Saturday.
All right, that'll do.
He'll simply be going through on the royal train.
Camouflaged, of course.
Excuse me, sir.
Is the train camouflaged or is the King camouflaged? I see, the train is camouflaged.
Yes, sir.
Now the purpose of our visit is twofold.
First, no unauthorised person must get near the train.
And secondly, we shall be forming a Guard of Honour on the platform.
And we shall give the royal salute as the train steams by.
Now, this naturally is a very great honour.
It's also absolutely secret.
No living soul must get the slightest inkling of what is happening here today.
(Door slamming shut) Has he arrived yet? -Who? -The King! (Shushing) How did you know that? This is not a vanilla ice, you know.
I'm very important.
I'll be back in 1 0 minutes.
How do you think he found that out? Well, perhaps somebody told him, sir, in case there was an air raid.
Sir, I think we better fall in outside on the platform and have a bit of a practice, sir.
Yes, all right.
Very good idea.
No, no.
No, no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That could give the game away to anybody who was passing by.
Captain, sir, we could manage in here if we squeezed up close.
Yes.
Yes, I suppose we could at a pinch.
All right, fall in.
Quickly as you can.
Now, I'm going to give the words of command in a very, very low voice because it's essential that nobody knows that the King is on this train.
-It's been one of those days, hasn't it? -Yes.
Who is this? The King coming, me without my top hat, her with gravy down her tunic.
Come on, we've got 1 0 minutes to get home, sponge you down and get back on the platform.
Well, I suppose being the stationmaster, he has to be in possession of all the facts.
-Yes.
Quite, yes.
-Sponge you down? Nowpresent arms.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One.
One.
Pike, you know perfectly well you can't present a Tommy gun.
-What shall I do, then? -Just come in to the attention position.
-Oh.
Like that? -That's right.
And take that silly scarf off.
-I don't think I better.
My mum said I looked -Take it off! Slope arms.
One, two, three.
One.
One.
Try and keep up with the others, Jones.
Present arms.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One.
Look, I can't just stand here doing nothing, can I? The King will think I'm rude.
He'll never see it, Frank.
It's perfectly all right.
Well, could I show it to him then, like that? Get back in the ranks and stand to attention, Pike.
Feel such a fool, that's all.
Sir, I feel rather at a dead end, too, without a rifle.
Do you think I ought to wave? Silence in the ranks.
Slope arms.
One, two, three.
One.
It's not fair, is it, Mr Godfrey? Pike.
Pike.
If I have any more trouble with you, I shall take that gun away from you and send you home.
Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring, but some of the trains come through this station at about 60 miles an hour.
Now, by the time you've said present arms and we've done it, the King will be halfway to Eastgate.
Yes, Joe's quite right.
See, you've got to do it very swiftly, you know.
You can imagine you're standing here on your tenterhooks, and then you spy the train coming and very swiftly say, ''Present arms!'' We go, ''One, two, three.
One.
'' There goes the King.
''Slope arms!'' ''One, two, three.
One, two, three.
'' Something like that, sir.
You know, sir, I think Jones and Walker have, you know, quite a good idea there, sir.
Yes, well, perhaps so.
In that case, we'll have to do two versions of it, won't we? The slow present and the quick present.
Let's just try it, shall we? Quick present arms.
(Mumbling) One, two, three No precision there at all.
Slope arms again.
Have we Have we missed him? What are you doing here? I represent the church and his Worship, the Mayor, represents the council.
-And I represent the ARP.
-And I'm a sightseer.
-There'll be no sightseers on the platform.
-Why not? He's just as much my king as he is yours, you know.
(Train whistle blowing) Good heavens! He's here already.
Right, outside everybody.
Line up on the platform.
The King's coming.
Don't panic.
Come on, quick as you can.
Quickly, left by the right.
Do as the officer said.
Left by the right for the King! -All civilians to the rear.
Get to the back.
-Don't start that.
Don't shove me, mate! Don't you shove his Reverence either! Right.
Squad, prepare! Squad, 'shun! Slope arms.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One.
One.
Here he comes.
Right.
Chins in, chests out! He's coming very slowly, sir.
We'll do the slow present arms.
Pass it on.
We'll do the slow present arms.
Pass it on.
Pass on the slow present.
Going to do the slow-do.
Slow present arms! One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One.
I think it's going to stop, sir.
I think it is going to stop, Mr Mainwaring.
Stop talking in the ranks, and hold the present.
Mr Mainwaring, perhaps it's not the corridor train and the King wants to get out and have a -Go and get some red carpet.
-Where am I going to get any red carpet? Don't argue.
Just do as you're told and get some red carpet.
-Doesn't look like a royal train.
-Perhaps that's the camouflage.
War or no war, it's a damn disgrace.
-I'd complain to steam maintenance.
-I'm going to.
Don't you worry, mate.
Excuse us, mate.
I can tell them, don't you worry.
See if we can squeeze one out of that pot.
I shall give them an earful.
Right.
-Look at it.
There's hardly any grip on it.
-Well, couldn't you pack it with a bit of paper? You don't pack a steam brake with a bit of paper.
Hello.
I want George Marshall on this phone at once in person.
They've used up all the sugar.
Saccharin.
Have you ever tried it? It's better than nothing, isn't it? -Yeah.
How many lumps? -Four.
Yeah, same as me.
What does it say? -''One tablet for each lump.
'' -Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You don't happen to have a piece of red carpet, do you? -Just a few feet will do.
-No, sorry, mate.
I didn't think you would, but thanks awfully all the same.
Hello, is that you, George? George, Henry Burstall here.
You know the square boss on the steam brake wheel? Yeah.
Well, I've got one here that's round.
Mr Mainwaring, I think this is a rum do.
The King wouldn't travel on that.
It's too scruffy.
Perhaps it's part of some master plan to which we are not privy.
-Captain Mainwaring, excuse me, but -Stay where you are, Godfrey.
I'm going to see if I can find an equerry.
Your Majesty, are you there? Are you there, Your Majesty? Anyone there? Your Majesty? Your Majesty? I beg your pardon? Sorry.
Wrong person.
I'm afraid this is the best I could do, sir.
-What's all this rubbish doing here? -That's the Snettlefold stopping train.
Of course it's the Snettlefold stopping train! The King's not on that.
Who left it here, then? -The driver.
He went in the office.
-I bet it's that Henry Burstall.
Henry, you're stopping the King.
-It's supposed to be secret.
-Henry, get this lot on to the siding.
Henry, did you hear what I said? Henry! Would you give over snoring while I'm talking to you? -Good heavens, they're dead drunk! -Just a minute, sir.
Hang on.
The bottle's empty.
They must have swallowed all the pills.
Gosh, they've passed out cold.
The King can't come through with that train stuck out there.
-We'd better all try and give it a push.
-Yeah, us and two elephants.
I can drive it, Mr Mainwaring.
We'll have to get on to Snettlefold.
Get them to send out a driver.
That'll take half an hour.
We can't have the King hanging about for half an hour.
Shall I get through to my sister and ask her to put the kettle on? -I can drive it, Mr Mainwaring.
-What? The train, I can drive it.
I learnt how to at the schoolboys' exhibition.
It's ever so easy.
-He'd never allow us to.
-We're not asking him.
Come on.
Hello.
Hello, Brian, this is Walmington.
We've got a right to-do here, I can tell you.
-Can you send us up a driver? -Here, do you know what's happening? Oh, give over.
I'm on to Snettlefold for a driver.
A driver? Cor blimey, you won't have a train in a moment! Mainwaring's lot are going to shift it.
Look here, Brian, I've got no time for a lot of argy-bargy.
Come on, Mr Godfrey.
Come on.
-Mr Frazer? -No need for us all to be up here, you know.
No way, man.
I wouldn't miss this, not for three pounds.
Right, you'll need me to change the points at the siding.
-Right, off you go, Pike.
-Aye, aye, Mr Mainwaring.
Full steam ahead.
(Train whistle blowing) You know, sir, I can't help feeling this is not an awfully good idea.
Oh, stop being such a wet blanket.
Get some coal on.
-Right, sir.
-We're on the shift, sir.
Have you got any tongs? Any tongs, sir? Get a shovel.
-Here! Where are you going with that train? -There you are, I told you! They've no business to do that.
Come back! Stop! Do you think they'll need this? That's the steam brake wheel.
It ought to be on the brake.
-What are you doing with that? -Don't you push me! -Why don't you leave things alone? -He pushed me.
Oh, stop bickering.
Is that an important piece? -I'll say! Without that, they can't stop.
-Can't stop? Come on! Get after them! I'm rather enjoying this, Mr Mainwaring.
You know, Wilson, I've wanted to drive a train -ever since I was a small boy.
-Yes.
-Give it a bit more, Pike.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Come on, Pikey.
-Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes? The warden and the vicar and the verger are chasing after us like mad things.
Really? After a free ride I expect.
WALKER: Right, that's far enough.
-That's enough, Pike.
Slow down.
-Okay, Mr Mainwaring.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yes? Should be a little wheel there.
Don't bother about the technical details, Pike.
Just stop the train.
But I can't, can I? That little wheel is the brake.
Stupid boy.
You said that you knew how to drive this thing.
-I can't stop it without a brake, can I? -Don't you use that tone of voice to me.
Don't do that.
Makes it go faster.
-Well, how do we stop it? -We can't.
We can't stop the train! Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic! We'll never catch them like this.
But they can't stop the train without this little wheel.
Come on.
Give me a hand.
Surely if we turn the power off, it will just slowly stop.
-Yes.
Turn the power off.
-What? That's the wrong way.
Makes it go faster! Hang on, that's no good because we'll free wheel.
-It's downhill all the way to Snettlefold.
-What? -And suppose there's another train on the line.
-Hey, hey, Captain Mainwaring! Look, look.
The warden is following us in a wee bogie.
Look.
-Come on, pump.
-I can't pump in this regalia! See, man, see! He has the brake wheel in his hand.
If there's another train in Snettlefold station and we run into it, there'll be dozens killed and injured.
I'm going to work my way back down this train and get hold of that wheel.
-There's no corridor.
-Then I'll go over the roof.
Be careful.
Steady.
JONES: I can't let you go on your own, sir.
I'm coming to assist you.
And I'm going to steady you, sir.
-You're in charge now, Wilson.
-Oh, good.
Mr Mainwaring, sir.
Don't you think you ought to have a scarf or something? It's a very chilly wind out there.
-Come on, put your backs into it.
-Don't you push me.
He's pushing me again, Your Reverend.
Whatever you do, Frank, for heaven's sake, keep it steady.
I know.
Mr Mainwaring, you'll be safe if you hold my hand.
-Go back, Jones, will you? -No, sir.
Where you go, I go.
-It's very slippery, isn't it, sir? -Yes.
Someone ought to tell them, you know.
It's not very nice for people walking along here and it's all slip Oh, sir! You saved my life, sir.
I'll never forget that, sir.
Thank you, sir.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yes? Don't go near the edge.
You just keep pumping, mate.
That's all you've got to do.
And if we can get close enough, I'll chuck it.
-Can you see what's happening, Frazer? -Aye.
They're getting closer.
Keep pumping and I'll chuck.
Well caught, Mr Mainwaring.
Now all we've got to do is get it back to the end and pump.
We can ease up now.
Frank.
Frank, I've been thinking.
That great big lever down there, that must do something.
Yes, yes.
That makes you change gear, go faster.
-I see.
Yes.
-Or go backwards.
Just a minute.
Couldn't we put it into reverse and that might stop it? -I suppose so.
-Or maybe it'd blow up.
If we're going to hit that train, in Snettlefold, right, I at least think we ought to try.
Go on.
All right, then.
Here goes.
Mr Mainwaring, you saved my life again, sir.
Where would I be without you, Mr Mainwaring? What the hell are they doing up front? -I think it's stopping, Uncle Arthur.
-Well done, Frank.
I think they're stopping.
Well, they can't have got the brake wheel back yet.
Well, they're stopping anyway.
Well, perhaps they used some other sort of lever.
Too right they have! They've used reverse.
They're coming towards us! -Are you sure? -Of course I'm sure.
Well, don't just stand there gawping.
Get pumping.
I can't understand it.
Snettlefold should have seen them come through by now and phoned us.
-Perhaps they've stopped.
-How can they without the wheel? (Train whistle blowing) Blimey, they're coming back! We'll have to go to the siding.
Do be careful, sir.
It's terribly dangerous.
-Are you all right? -Are you all right, sir? -There's the wheel, Pike.
-Thank you.
Fix it on.
(Whistle tooting) Blimey! That'll be the King.
Come on.
You ruddy hooligans! You nearly killed us.
Well, speaking for myself, it's quite possible that he has.
The King's coming, Mr Mainwaring.
The King's coming.
Well, let's get down.
Good.
All right, line up.
Smarten yourselves up.
Hey, Pikey, what's that for? That's where the engine picks up water when it's going along.
They drop a sort of scoop thing down and spray flies everywhere.
-If we stand here, we're going to get soaked.
-Yeah.
Uncle Arthur? I think you better tell Mr Mainwaring.
-Just line up, Frank.
-We're going to get wet, Mr Mainwaring.
-We're going to get all wet, Mr Mainwaring.
-A drop of rain won't hurt you, boy.
Prepare the Royal salute.
Present arms! One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One.