Drunk History (2013) s06e03 Episode Script
Baseball
1 The Chicago White Sox are in the middle of a winning season.
I will compromise everything for some cash.
This is a bad sign.
I'm already using two hands.
Moses Fleetwood Walker was like, I'm about to be the first black dude to ever play in major league baseball.
This ain't a movie.
This is real life.
Marge and Helen Callaghan are fucking knocking this shit out of the park.
What's up motherfucker? This is harder now than it was earlier.
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]
[SPORTY MUSIC.]
Nobody should play baseball when they're drunk.
We're not playing baseball.
We're playing catch.
Yeah, I know, but [LAUGHING.]
Gloves don't catch.
- That's a great point.
- Yeah, thanks.
I read about that on whogivesashit.
org.
You're a piece of shit.
[LAUGHING.]
- [BALL THUDS.]
- [GROANS AND LAUGHS.]
Batter up.
Mm-hmm.
Hello, I am Katie Nolan, and this is the story of the Blackhawks.
Blackhawks? You wanna do "Black Hawk Down"? - Maybe.
- I feel, like, we should do Should we do the baseball thing instead, and then maybe next time - we'll do "Black Hawk Down.
" - Yeah, fuck that, yeah.
God bless Josh Hartnett though.
Hello, I'm Katie Nolan, and this is the Black Sox scandal.
[OLD TIMEY MUSIC.]
Our story begins in 1919, exactly 100 years ago.
The Chicago White Sox are in the middle of a winning season.
They're owner, Charles Comiskey, is a piece of shit.
He's making a bunch of money.
He hasn't even paid for their laundering of their uniforms.
The players are like, this is bullshit.
We're playing good baseball, and we should be paid more money because we're people and we have families.
So the the players are being fucked by ownership, and they were pissed.
So Chick Gandil, first baseman, he's like, look, I'm towards the end of my career.
I want to make a bunch of money, and I can't make a bunch of money because I'm not getting paid it.
So Arnold Rothstein, who was a mob dude Arnold Rothstein approaches him and he says, Hey, kid, I want to make money.
You want to make money.
You play games for a living.
I will pay you moneys and you will throw the World Series.
And he's like, that's it? That's so easy.
I can lose.
And so Rothstein said, look, I'm glad you're on the team, but one person is not enough to throw a baseball game.
We're gonna need a lot of other people.
Maybe, like, eight people? So he called a meeting with a bunch of players on the team.
Now, that included Eddie Cicotte, Lefty Williams, and then Shoeless Joe Jackson.
And so Chick Gandil, he's like, look, everybody, I met this dude.
He will give us $100,000 if we lose the World Series.
And a lot of them were like, uh, what? I love baseball.
All I've ever done is devoted my life to baseball.
And Chick's like, yeah, no, I get it, but we can make more money losing than we will earn notoriety winning.
So the guys like, I will compromise everything for some cash.
So the players leave that meeting, and they recruited a bunch of dudes within the team.
So they have eight people.
I wanna bring the Mic down to my face.
[LAUGHS.]
We get to the point where they get to the World Series.
Chicago White Sox versus Cincinnati Reds.
Game one, best of nine.
The White Sox, heavily favored, and Eddie Cicotte takes the mound.
So the signal between the players and the gambling guy was that Eddie would hit the very first batter.
He winds up, he throws his first pitch, and it's a perfect strike.
He throws it right down the middle, and everyone's like, wait, what the fuck? I thought we were gonna throw the game.
Second pitch, winds up, throws it.
Thunk.
Hits the batter, and so everybody knows, oh, it's on.
So the game goes on and on and on.
Eddie throws terrible pitches.
They lose 9-1.
Holy shit.
Papers come out the next day, Derek.
[GIGGLES.]
And they're like, what? But we got to go on to game two.
Throughout the series, they keep losing.
Whoopsies, I should have probably caught that.
And then they were like, oh, I wish I could throw that to the plate, but I can only throw it to the pitcher.
Oh, a line drive.
[WIMPY SCREAM.]
Whoopsies.
And Chick Gandil was like, I'm gonna get this.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
And he waved everybody off, and then instead he just didn't got it.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm getting too drunk to be able to maintain You're okay.
We're just gonna finish that story.
So the series is 4-1.
Lefty Williams says, hey, we have not received any payments.
We're not gonna keep throwing our legacy for nothing.
Let's go up it on the baseball field.
Let's come from behind and win this World Series! Yeah! So for the next few games they're, like, trying.
They're winning, then the night before the eighth game of the series Arnold Rothstein and his associates visited Lefty Williams in his hotel room.
Rothstein says, if by the first inning it isn't obvious we're gonna lose, I'll murder your wife.
And Lefty Williams was like, I'm shook.
So game eight, Lefty goes out, he's the starting pitcher, and he sucks.
Real bad.
Like, on purpose bad, and they end up losing 10 to 5, and that's it.
The World Series is over and Cincinnati has won.
People were shocked, and then there started to be these rumors.
People are like, uh it felt fixed.
And the press labels the White Sox the Black Sox.
Why? It's black mark.
It's bad.
- Forever.
- [LAUGHS.]
So there's a grand jury investigation, and Eddie Cicotte and Shoeless Joe both break down in front of the grand jury.
And he said, yup, [SLAP RESOUNDS.]
I did it.
I have no family.
[SLAP RESOUNDS.]
I didn't make enough money.
[SLAP RESOUNDS.]
Is your hand okay when you did that? [SLAP RESOUNDS.]
Ow, don't do that.
- [SLAP RESOUNDS.]
- Hey, hey, hey.
[SLAP RESOUNDS.]
Shoeless Joe was like, I am Shoeless Joe Jackson and I'm not wearing any shoes! [LAUGHS.]
This is what led to the very first commissioner of baseball.
He had the most first name ever.
Kenesaw Mountain Landis.
He comes out and he's like, we won't stand for no cheaters, and so all those eight men involved in the Black Sox scandal, banned from baseball for life.
And so now there's no more cheaters left in major league baseball, except all the cheaters that existed after that.
I have no shoes on.
- Boop.
- [MIC THUDS.]
Do you get it? It's black socks.
[LAUGHS.]
[OLD TIMEY MUSIC.]
All right, let's do a little cheers to baseball.
Moses Fleetwood Walker.
Let's do it.
- [SIGHS.]
- [WINCES AND LAUGHS.]
- Hoo, boy.
- Oh, yeah.
It's a good feeling, right? - When you're insides - You seen this shit? Oh, that swish, swish, bish, shit? I can't I can do a couple.
[LAUGHING.]
Ow! [BOTH LAUGH.]
I hit myself in the back, and then also hit the wall.
Oh, shit.
Big man got moves.
[LAUGHS.]
I can't do it.
I'm sweating.
[LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, I'm hot as hell.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Hello, I'm Carl Tart, and we're about to talk about the first black player to integrate major league baseball.
Oh, Jackie Robinson.
No, Moses Fleetwood Walker.
It's 1882.
Moses Fleetwood Walker is a student at Oberlin College, and he's like, I'm studying law.
I'm reading all these books.
This is wrong.
This is good.
This is bad.
This is hell yeah.
This is hell no, but something's tearing at my heart.
I gotta play baseball.
I'm leaving college to do this, so it better be a good idea.
So he dips.
He joins the minor league team Toledo Blue Stockings.
So Fleet is playing catcher, but, at this point, catchers weren't playing with mitts.
He's playing with his bare hands.
That shit is some extra shit.
He's killing it, though.
So it's May 1st, 1884, and it's opening day.
The Toledo Blue Stockings get invited to the newly formed American League.
They were like, congratulations, white dudes and Moses, welcome to major league baseball.
Moses is like, I'm about to be the first black dude to ever play in major league baseball.
This is what I wanted to do.
This is why left law law law school and nobody can tell me different.
I'm about to go out here and swing these bats, catch these balls, hit these balls, swing these bats.
This is 1884.
Think about this shit.
This is 17 years removed from slavery.
Like, 17 years.
Like, slavery can't drink yet.
Slavery can't fight in the war yet.
If you text slavery a picture of your meat, you going to jail.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
That's good.
Let's move on.
So he's playing, but he's experiencing all kind of racism on the road.
He's walking up to hotels and they're like, you can't sleep here.
Your team can sleep team, but you can't sleep here.
And he's like, what, how can I not sleep here? Like, he's sleeping on park benches as a major league baseball player.
Fans were terrible.
They're like, hold up, we didn't come to see no black people on this field.
We came to see our thoroughbred whites.
And then they get to Richmond, Virginia.
The manager of the Toledo Blue Stockings gets a letter, and so he runs to Fleet's room, which Fleet's room is the park bench across the street.
- [LAUGHS.]
- And he gets over there, he kicks the bench a couple times, shakes him, Fleet, wake up, Fleet.
[GASPING.]
What? He goes, man, you can't play the game tomorrow.
I just got a letter.
75 dudes are gonna be outside waiting to beat your ass.
You got to not play tomorrow.
Moses was like, I ain't taking no risks.
If it is flake, I ain't I ain't Fake.
Flake.
- If it is frosted flakes.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
Now I'm drunk, and this is supposed to be your show.
- Yeah.
- Get it.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
So he doesn't play that game.
He just sits out.
So then they go to play against the Chicago White Stockings.
Their manager, his name is Cap Anson, and Cap Anson is like, y'all jersey's is clean, and his jersey's clean too, but his face is black.
I'm not playing with him.
And so manager from the Blue Stockings Toledo goes over to Cap and is like, yo, Cap, we have to play.
Either you gonna take this L, or we gonna play.
And Cap was like, [GROANING.]
[GROWLING AND GROANING.]
I don't want to lose.
All right, fine.
I'll play against black dude this time, but I'll be back.
And so manager of the Blue Stockings goes back over to Fleet and he's like, Fleet, I know you're resting today, but you gotta play.
He's like, what? Look at my hands.
My hands is the size of a doughnut factory.
- [LAUGHS.]
- And he's like, you need to play because they said they weren't gonna play you because you're black.
He's like, what? Hold up.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, I'm about to play today.
They must have thought wrong, because I'm about to be on that field today.
My name is Fleet and I'm about to be on my feet and bending my knees because I'm a catcher.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So oh, shit.
- We got it.
We good.
- All right, we do it.
So to make things worse he's got a pitcher named Tony Mullane.
He's like, I'm not even pitching real to this dude.
I'm pitching what I want to pitch.
Fleet calls slider, he throws a curve.
Fleet calls curve, he throws a knuckle slide, but Fleet was so good that he had the media on his nuts.
"The Toledo Blade" was like, Fleet is the most valuable player at catcher, at bat, than any other player.
This is crazy that they're saying this about a black dude who's playing in major league baseball.
We shouldn't have no black people on this team.
I don't want to play with them.
Mullane has the chance there to be the white savior from every movie about race [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, the white savior, but this ain't a movie.
- This is real life.
- [LAUGHS.]
So it's it's 1987.
No, it's not.
It's 1887 and once again he gets to Chicago and his old friend there is waiting to greet him.
And Cap was like, well, now I got a whole group of people who don't fuck with you.
And they kick him out of the game.
Major league baseball said, black people ain't gonna play in this shit for a long-ass time.
So after that he's like, this racism shit is too hard.
I'm going back to studying and inventing shit.
So, basically, when Fleet left the game that ban lasted for 63 years until Jackie Robinson gets put in the pros.
What would you say the moral of this story is? If you think got a hero, research that hero, and know who came before that hero and paved the way for that hero.
That was all great.
Can we just do it one more time with your eyes open? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Did you play baseball growing up? No, not at all.
I did track and field sprints.
- Really? - Yeah.
Sprints, hurdles, for a little bit, but I would leap over them.
You have to really, like, whip your leg back.
What is the kick? You have to like One leg out first, whip down.
[GROANS.]
Ow! - Ow.
- [LAUGHING.]
Tonight [LAUGHS.]
Ai, my name is Anais Fairweather, and tonight I'm gonna tell you the story, the true story behind "A League of Their Own.
" - Cheers.
- Cheers.
We start our story with Marge and Helen Callaghan, two sisters growing up in Vancouver, Canada.
These two women are natural athletes.
They're so fuck sick and tight, and they're like, yeah, we joined a fast-pitch softball league together.
Okay, so now we're gonna fast forward a little bit to 1942.
We're in the midst of World War 2, and the draft is going on full force.
Now this fucking guy, the commissioner of the MLB, Kenesaw Mountain Landis.
[GROANS.]
- I hate saying that name.
- [LAUGHS.]
He's like, I'm the número uno commissioner of major league and minor league baseball, and while I'm calling the shots, everyone's being fucking drafted into World War 2.
So he's like, okay, I'll put my big boy pants on.
I'ma figure this out.
He calls Philip K.
Wrigley.
Philip K.
Wrigley is, like, chomp, chomp, hello? And Kenesaw Mountain Landis is like, oh, my man, 3,000 minor league players, major league players are gone to war.
So Philip K.
Wrigley's like, okay, I've got an idea for you.
We are gonna capitalize on the popularity of women softball.
Badass women.
And it's, like, the '40s, right? That's that's a crazy time to do this.
So Philip K.
Wrigley and his buddy, Ken Sells, go out scouting all throughout the Midwest.
And lo and behold, who did they run into but Helen and Marge Callaghan.
What are they doing there? They are playing fast-pitch softball, and Helen and Marge are like, uh, we are dominating this field.
Philip and Ken run out to this.
They run out to the field and they're like, you, the both of you, we need you both.
You got to be on our fucking team.
And they sign on the dotted line at $75 a week.
So they're both on the Minneapolis Marionettes.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- No, Millerettes.
So Marge and Helen are like, we're on this team, this is fucking tight.
They're playing doubleheaders, in, like, 115 degree weather, and Philip K.
Wrigley's like, I know how to sell a product, and I need these women to look like women.
These chaperons are like, I am going to make sure that their hair is curled, their lipstick is on, their makeup is fully done, their skirts are ironed before they head out onto the field.
People are full to watch these women in these adorable dresses play fucking baseball like men.
And Marge Callaghan, Helen Callaghan, are fucking knocking this shit outta the park.
Women are stealing bases.
They're like, what's up, motherfucker? [LAUGHS.]
I don't know why that's funny, but it's funny.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Now, Philip K.
Wrigley looks at this and he's like, these aren't women playing baseball.
These are fucking baseball players.
Fuck yeah, dude! It's so badass, right? [ICE JINGLING.]
This is my seventh inning stretch.
This is mine.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
All right, let's play ball.
Yeah, okay.
So 1945 comes, right? And World War 2 is ending.
Joe DiMaggio, Ted Williams, the major, minor league players come back and they're like, hi, everybody, yeah, we've been at fucking war.
It's terrible.
We're ready to hit some balls.
So they they and it ends up fizzling out.
30 years passes, and this story is forgotten until 1985.
There was a reunion, Helen Callan-delays.
[LAUGHS.]
This is harder now than it was earlier.
But you're still doing it.
Kelly hand-delay, Helen's oldest son, was like, I'm gonna fucking record this shit.
He whips his out his camcorder, and all these old ladies are fucking playing ball like they did back in the fucking '40s.
Kelly Candaele creates "A League of Their Own" documentary.
it's a huge fucking deal.
Fucking Penny Marshall sees this documentary.
She's like, what the fuck? I didn't know this shit existed in history.
Oh, maybe I should make a movie about this story because it's important for women of all ages.
And if it wasn't for "A League of Their Own," nobody would have ever known that women can throw a ball like the fucking men.
[INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
What you got? I got a couple slushies.
Ready? Lemon's up.
Hear that call.
- Oh! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
God, that smashed in my mouth.
It tasted good.
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]
I will compromise everything for some cash.
This is a bad sign.
I'm already using two hands.
Moses Fleetwood Walker was like, I'm about to be the first black dude to ever play in major league baseball.
This ain't a movie.
This is real life.
Marge and Helen Callaghan are fucking knocking this shit out of the park.
What's up motherfucker? This is harder now than it was earlier.
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]
[SPORTY MUSIC.]
Nobody should play baseball when they're drunk.
We're not playing baseball.
We're playing catch.
Yeah, I know, but [LAUGHING.]
Gloves don't catch.
- That's a great point.
- Yeah, thanks.
I read about that on whogivesashit.
org.
You're a piece of shit.
[LAUGHING.]
- [BALL THUDS.]
- [GROANS AND LAUGHS.]
Batter up.
Mm-hmm.
Hello, I am Katie Nolan, and this is the story of the Blackhawks.
Blackhawks? You wanna do "Black Hawk Down"? - Maybe.
- I feel, like, we should do Should we do the baseball thing instead, and then maybe next time - we'll do "Black Hawk Down.
" - Yeah, fuck that, yeah.
God bless Josh Hartnett though.
Hello, I'm Katie Nolan, and this is the Black Sox scandal.
[OLD TIMEY MUSIC.]
Our story begins in 1919, exactly 100 years ago.
The Chicago White Sox are in the middle of a winning season.
They're owner, Charles Comiskey, is a piece of shit.
He's making a bunch of money.
He hasn't even paid for their laundering of their uniforms.
The players are like, this is bullshit.
We're playing good baseball, and we should be paid more money because we're people and we have families.
So the the players are being fucked by ownership, and they were pissed.
So Chick Gandil, first baseman, he's like, look, I'm towards the end of my career.
I want to make a bunch of money, and I can't make a bunch of money because I'm not getting paid it.
So Arnold Rothstein, who was a mob dude Arnold Rothstein approaches him and he says, Hey, kid, I want to make money.
You want to make money.
You play games for a living.
I will pay you moneys and you will throw the World Series.
And he's like, that's it? That's so easy.
I can lose.
And so Rothstein said, look, I'm glad you're on the team, but one person is not enough to throw a baseball game.
We're gonna need a lot of other people.
Maybe, like, eight people? So he called a meeting with a bunch of players on the team.
Now, that included Eddie Cicotte, Lefty Williams, and then Shoeless Joe Jackson.
And so Chick Gandil, he's like, look, everybody, I met this dude.
He will give us $100,000 if we lose the World Series.
And a lot of them were like, uh, what? I love baseball.
All I've ever done is devoted my life to baseball.
And Chick's like, yeah, no, I get it, but we can make more money losing than we will earn notoriety winning.
So the guys like, I will compromise everything for some cash.
So the players leave that meeting, and they recruited a bunch of dudes within the team.
So they have eight people.
I wanna bring the Mic down to my face.
[LAUGHS.]
We get to the point where they get to the World Series.
Chicago White Sox versus Cincinnati Reds.
Game one, best of nine.
The White Sox, heavily favored, and Eddie Cicotte takes the mound.
So the signal between the players and the gambling guy was that Eddie would hit the very first batter.
He winds up, he throws his first pitch, and it's a perfect strike.
He throws it right down the middle, and everyone's like, wait, what the fuck? I thought we were gonna throw the game.
Second pitch, winds up, throws it.
Thunk.
Hits the batter, and so everybody knows, oh, it's on.
So the game goes on and on and on.
Eddie throws terrible pitches.
They lose 9-1.
Holy shit.
Papers come out the next day, Derek.
[GIGGLES.]
And they're like, what? But we got to go on to game two.
Throughout the series, they keep losing.
Whoopsies, I should have probably caught that.
And then they were like, oh, I wish I could throw that to the plate, but I can only throw it to the pitcher.
Oh, a line drive.
[WIMPY SCREAM.]
Whoopsies.
And Chick Gandil was like, I'm gonna get this.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
And he waved everybody off, and then instead he just didn't got it.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm getting too drunk to be able to maintain You're okay.
We're just gonna finish that story.
So the series is 4-1.
Lefty Williams says, hey, we have not received any payments.
We're not gonna keep throwing our legacy for nothing.
Let's go up it on the baseball field.
Let's come from behind and win this World Series! Yeah! So for the next few games they're, like, trying.
They're winning, then the night before the eighth game of the series Arnold Rothstein and his associates visited Lefty Williams in his hotel room.
Rothstein says, if by the first inning it isn't obvious we're gonna lose, I'll murder your wife.
And Lefty Williams was like, I'm shook.
So game eight, Lefty goes out, he's the starting pitcher, and he sucks.
Real bad.
Like, on purpose bad, and they end up losing 10 to 5, and that's it.
The World Series is over and Cincinnati has won.
People were shocked, and then there started to be these rumors.
People are like, uh it felt fixed.
And the press labels the White Sox the Black Sox.
Why? It's black mark.
It's bad.
- Forever.
- [LAUGHS.]
So there's a grand jury investigation, and Eddie Cicotte and Shoeless Joe both break down in front of the grand jury.
And he said, yup, [SLAP RESOUNDS.]
I did it.
I have no family.
[SLAP RESOUNDS.]
I didn't make enough money.
[SLAP RESOUNDS.]
Is your hand okay when you did that? [SLAP RESOUNDS.]
Ow, don't do that.
- [SLAP RESOUNDS.]
- Hey, hey, hey.
[SLAP RESOUNDS.]
Shoeless Joe was like, I am Shoeless Joe Jackson and I'm not wearing any shoes! [LAUGHS.]
This is what led to the very first commissioner of baseball.
He had the most first name ever.
Kenesaw Mountain Landis.
He comes out and he's like, we won't stand for no cheaters, and so all those eight men involved in the Black Sox scandal, banned from baseball for life.
And so now there's no more cheaters left in major league baseball, except all the cheaters that existed after that.
I have no shoes on.
- Boop.
- [MIC THUDS.]
Do you get it? It's black socks.
[LAUGHS.]
[OLD TIMEY MUSIC.]
All right, let's do a little cheers to baseball.
Moses Fleetwood Walker.
Let's do it.
- [SIGHS.]
- [WINCES AND LAUGHS.]
- Hoo, boy.
- Oh, yeah.
It's a good feeling, right? - When you're insides - You seen this shit? Oh, that swish, swish, bish, shit? I can't I can do a couple.
[LAUGHING.]
Ow! [BOTH LAUGH.]
I hit myself in the back, and then also hit the wall.
Oh, shit.
Big man got moves.
[LAUGHS.]
I can't do it.
I'm sweating.
[LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, I'm hot as hell.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Hello, I'm Carl Tart, and we're about to talk about the first black player to integrate major league baseball.
Oh, Jackie Robinson.
No, Moses Fleetwood Walker.
It's 1882.
Moses Fleetwood Walker is a student at Oberlin College, and he's like, I'm studying law.
I'm reading all these books.
This is wrong.
This is good.
This is bad.
This is hell yeah.
This is hell no, but something's tearing at my heart.
I gotta play baseball.
I'm leaving college to do this, so it better be a good idea.
So he dips.
He joins the minor league team Toledo Blue Stockings.
So Fleet is playing catcher, but, at this point, catchers weren't playing with mitts.
He's playing with his bare hands.
That shit is some extra shit.
He's killing it, though.
So it's May 1st, 1884, and it's opening day.
The Toledo Blue Stockings get invited to the newly formed American League.
They were like, congratulations, white dudes and Moses, welcome to major league baseball.
Moses is like, I'm about to be the first black dude to ever play in major league baseball.
This is what I wanted to do.
This is why left law law law school and nobody can tell me different.
I'm about to go out here and swing these bats, catch these balls, hit these balls, swing these bats.
This is 1884.
Think about this shit.
This is 17 years removed from slavery.
Like, 17 years.
Like, slavery can't drink yet.
Slavery can't fight in the war yet.
If you text slavery a picture of your meat, you going to jail.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
That's good.
Let's move on.
So he's playing, but he's experiencing all kind of racism on the road.
He's walking up to hotels and they're like, you can't sleep here.
Your team can sleep team, but you can't sleep here.
And he's like, what, how can I not sleep here? Like, he's sleeping on park benches as a major league baseball player.
Fans were terrible.
They're like, hold up, we didn't come to see no black people on this field.
We came to see our thoroughbred whites.
And then they get to Richmond, Virginia.
The manager of the Toledo Blue Stockings gets a letter, and so he runs to Fleet's room, which Fleet's room is the park bench across the street.
- [LAUGHS.]
- And he gets over there, he kicks the bench a couple times, shakes him, Fleet, wake up, Fleet.
[GASPING.]
What? He goes, man, you can't play the game tomorrow.
I just got a letter.
75 dudes are gonna be outside waiting to beat your ass.
You got to not play tomorrow.
Moses was like, I ain't taking no risks.
If it is flake, I ain't I ain't Fake.
Flake.
- If it is frosted flakes.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
Now I'm drunk, and this is supposed to be your show.
- Yeah.
- Get it.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
So he doesn't play that game.
He just sits out.
So then they go to play against the Chicago White Stockings.
Their manager, his name is Cap Anson, and Cap Anson is like, y'all jersey's is clean, and his jersey's clean too, but his face is black.
I'm not playing with him.
And so manager from the Blue Stockings Toledo goes over to Cap and is like, yo, Cap, we have to play.
Either you gonna take this L, or we gonna play.
And Cap was like, [GROANING.]
[GROWLING AND GROANING.]
I don't want to lose.
All right, fine.
I'll play against black dude this time, but I'll be back.
And so manager of the Blue Stockings goes back over to Fleet and he's like, Fleet, I know you're resting today, but you gotta play.
He's like, what? Look at my hands.
My hands is the size of a doughnut factory.
- [LAUGHS.]
- And he's like, you need to play because they said they weren't gonna play you because you're black.
He's like, what? Hold up.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, I'm about to play today.
They must have thought wrong, because I'm about to be on that field today.
My name is Fleet and I'm about to be on my feet and bending my knees because I'm a catcher.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So oh, shit.
- We got it.
We good.
- All right, we do it.
So to make things worse he's got a pitcher named Tony Mullane.
He's like, I'm not even pitching real to this dude.
I'm pitching what I want to pitch.
Fleet calls slider, he throws a curve.
Fleet calls curve, he throws a knuckle slide, but Fleet was so good that he had the media on his nuts.
"The Toledo Blade" was like, Fleet is the most valuable player at catcher, at bat, than any other player.
This is crazy that they're saying this about a black dude who's playing in major league baseball.
We shouldn't have no black people on this team.
I don't want to play with them.
Mullane has the chance there to be the white savior from every movie about race [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, the white savior, but this ain't a movie.
- This is real life.
- [LAUGHS.]
So it's it's 1987.
No, it's not.
It's 1887 and once again he gets to Chicago and his old friend there is waiting to greet him.
And Cap was like, well, now I got a whole group of people who don't fuck with you.
And they kick him out of the game.
Major league baseball said, black people ain't gonna play in this shit for a long-ass time.
So after that he's like, this racism shit is too hard.
I'm going back to studying and inventing shit.
So, basically, when Fleet left the game that ban lasted for 63 years until Jackie Robinson gets put in the pros.
What would you say the moral of this story is? If you think got a hero, research that hero, and know who came before that hero and paved the way for that hero.
That was all great.
Can we just do it one more time with your eyes open? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Did you play baseball growing up? No, not at all.
I did track and field sprints.
- Really? - Yeah.
Sprints, hurdles, for a little bit, but I would leap over them.
You have to really, like, whip your leg back.
What is the kick? You have to like One leg out first, whip down.
[GROANS.]
Ow! - Ow.
- [LAUGHING.]
Tonight [LAUGHS.]
Ai, my name is Anais Fairweather, and tonight I'm gonna tell you the story, the true story behind "A League of Their Own.
" - Cheers.
- Cheers.
We start our story with Marge and Helen Callaghan, two sisters growing up in Vancouver, Canada.
These two women are natural athletes.
They're so fuck sick and tight, and they're like, yeah, we joined a fast-pitch softball league together.
Okay, so now we're gonna fast forward a little bit to 1942.
We're in the midst of World War 2, and the draft is going on full force.
Now this fucking guy, the commissioner of the MLB, Kenesaw Mountain Landis.
[GROANS.]
- I hate saying that name.
- [LAUGHS.]
He's like, I'm the número uno commissioner of major league and minor league baseball, and while I'm calling the shots, everyone's being fucking drafted into World War 2.
So he's like, okay, I'll put my big boy pants on.
I'ma figure this out.
He calls Philip K.
Wrigley.
Philip K.
Wrigley is, like, chomp, chomp, hello? And Kenesaw Mountain Landis is like, oh, my man, 3,000 minor league players, major league players are gone to war.
So Philip K.
Wrigley's like, okay, I've got an idea for you.
We are gonna capitalize on the popularity of women softball.
Badass women.
And it's, like, the '40s, right? That's that's a crazy time to do this.
So Philip K.
Wrigley and his buddy, Ken Sells, go out scouting all throughout the Midwest.
And lo and behold, who did they run into but Helen and Marge Callaghan.
What are they doing there? They are playing fast-pitch softball, and Helen and Marge are like, uh, we are dominating this field.
Philip and Ken run out to this.
They run out to the field and they're like, you, the both of you, we need you both.
You got to be on our fucking team.
And they sign on the dotted line at $75 a week.
So they're both on the Minneapolis Marionettes.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- No, Millerettes.
So Marge and Helen are like, we're on this team, this is fucking tight.
They're playing doubleheaders, in, like, 115 degree weather, and Philip K.
Wrigley's like, I know how to sell a product, and I need these women to look like women.
These chaperons are like, I am going to make sure that their hair is curled, their lipstick is on, their makeup is fully done, their skirts are ironed before they head out onto the field.
People are full to watch these women in these adorable dresses play fucking baseball like men.
And Marge Callaghan, Helen Callaghan, are fucking knocking this shit outta the park.
Women are stealing bases.
They're like, what's up, motherfucker? [LAUGHS.]
I don't know why that's funny, but it's funny.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Now, Philip K.
Wrigley looks at this and he's like, these aren't women playing baseball.
These are fucking baseball players.
Fuck yeah, dude! It's so badass, right? [ICE JINGLING.]
This is my seventh inning stretch.
This is mine.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
All right, let's play ball.
Yeah, okay.
So 1945 comes, right? And World War 2 is ending.
Joe DiMaggio, Ted Williams, the major, minor league players come back and they're like, hi, everybody, yeah, we've been at fucking war.
It's terrible.
We're ready to hit some balls.
So they they and it ends up fizzling out.
30 years passes, and this story is forgotten until 1985.
There was a reunion, Helen Callan-delays.
[LAUGHS.]
This is harder now than it was earlier.
But you're still doing it.
Kelly hand-delay, Helen's oldest son, was like, I'm gonna fucking record this shit.
He whips his out his camcorder, and all these old ladies are fucking playing ball like they did back in the fucking '40s.
Kelly Candaele creates "A League of Their Own" documentary.
it's a huge fucking deal.
Fucking Penny Marshall sees this documentary.
She's like, what the fuck? I didn't know this shit existed in history.
Oh, maybe I should make a movie about this story because it's important for women of all ages.
And if it wasn't for "A League of Their Own," nobody would have ever known that women can throw a ball like the fucking men.
[INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
What you got? I got a couple slushies.
Ready? Lemon's up.
Hear that call.
- Oh! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
God, that smashed in my mouth.
It tasted good.
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]