Family Ties (1982) s06e03 Episode Script

(no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? Sha-la-la-la.
(gasps) Uh-uh, Andy, that is the last piece of cake.
I get half of that.
Have an apple, it's better for you.
Thanks for caring, Andrew, but I think I'll cut it in half.
- Oh, that's not half.
- Yes, it is.
You think that 'cause I'm small, I can't see straight.
- Andy, we can share.
- No! - I'll cut it in half - I'm telling Mom! Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait.
This is embarrassing.
You guys fighting over a piece of cake? What difference does it make if one piece is slightly bigger than the other? None so long as I get it.
Mom, Dad, I got it.
I got it! I've been chosen to take over the personal advice column for the Columbus Shopper"s Guide.
- I'm going to be "Dear Mallory.
" - Oh, honey.
- STEVEN: That's great! - They picked me over a hundred other applicants.
They said my sample answers were warm, compelling, yet practical.
Uh-huh.
Great, Mal.
Well, maybe you can help us over here.
We're trying to decide on how to share this cake.
- Hey, I get a piece of that - Mom! (all talking at once) Oh, wait! Wait, wait! You've come to me with a problem.
You've come to "Dear Mallory," and I won't let you down.
Sit, sit.
Okay, okay, how's this? Jen, you cut the cake.
Andy, you get to pick which piece you want.
That way, Jen will cut it fair.
That's absolutely brilliant.
Warm, compelling, yet practical? You know, Steven, maybe we could use that approach ourselves.
I could cut and you could pick? Well, dear, we've done so well for the last 20 years with me cutting and picking.
Although it's a great idea, Mal.
I am a natural at this.
I better get started.
Look at all these letters I have already.
- Oh - Oh, you can't actually look, Dad, they're confidential.
Oh, let me look.
Well, I guess you're family and all, so "Dear Mallory, I need your advice.
"My partner doesn't satisfy me sexually, - and I was wondering" - Oh, Dad My advice is that you don't read that.
Very wise, "Dear Mallory.
" Alex, Alex, guess what? I'm "Dear Mallory"! Yeah, and I'm "Adorable Alex.
" So what? Ha, ha.
No, you don't understand.
I'm taking over the personal advice column for the Columbus Shopper"s Guide.
The column is called "Dear Mallory.
" Now, wait, wait, wait.
Columbus Shopper"s Guide Isn't that that freebie giveaway thing they have at the checkout counter at the supermarkets? Uh, the one with all the coupons in it? That's right.
What are you so excited about, Mal? You're gonna be you're gonna be giving advice to lowlife bargain hunters who can't afford to buy a real paper.
Alex! They're not lowlife bargain hunters.
They're people, real people coming to me for advice.
Mal, if these people were willing to shell out a quarter, they could turn to "Dear Abby.
" I can help him.
And if either one of you need help, come to me.
I'm going to be very busy but I'll always have time for you.
You're family.
Cut the cake.
Got a problem, Mal? I don't have problems, I solve problems.
I'm "Dear Mallory.
" Is there anything bothering you, Alex? Mm-hmm.
"Dear Mallory.
" Come on, Alex, talk to me.
Open up.
I sense that beneath that preppy little exterior, there's a mass of insecurities and frustration waiting to pour out.
Yeah, Mal, that's why I have this exterior.
To protect the rug.
Come on, Alex, I need practice and everyone else in the house is so sane.
I'll be your best friend.
Oh, that always works with me, Mal.
That's because you don't have any friends, right? Mallory, why don't you read me one of your letters? - Okay.
- (Alex sighs) (sighs) "Dear Mallory" I love the way that sounds.
"I am an extremely pretty with a knockout body" Go on.
Please.
"I have a real interest in money, "and I'm searching for a smart, cute, who likes money, too.
" We've got to help these people, Mal.
And in order to help them, we need an address.
Hasn't anybody started dinner? Oh, yeah, Ma, I started it.
And then I decided against it.
Alex, it is your turn to start dinner tonight.
Ma, how can you think of eating, when there when there's a young woman in peril at 3214 Douglas Drive? Apartment 3C.
Mom Mom, maybe you can help me out.
I need practice solving people's problems before I publish my first column.
- And? - Well, is there anything you'd like to talk about? Anything bothering you? Well, I'm hungry.
Besides that, anything else? I'm thirsty, too.
Dad, help me out.
Any major problems in your life you'd like to discuss? Um no, I got in the door just fine.
Come on, Dad, think hard.
Anything at work? - No.
- Physical problems? - Nope.
- Marital problems? - Well, sometimes your mother - Steven! Mallory, I've been going through some of these letters, and most of them seem pretty ordinary, but I think I found one you can use in your column.
Oh, great, great.
Yeah, it's really very touching.
"Dear Mallory" (giggles) "I'm 181/2 years old, and for the first time "in my life, I have a boyfriend.
"But last night, a friend told me "that he's seeing another girl, too.
"I can't stop crying.
What do I do?" Signed, First Love.
(Steven sniffs) Dad, it's just a letter.
I'm, uh I'm fine.
I'm-I'm, I'm fine.
Great choice, Jen.
I'm gonna use this in my first column.
Her first love.
Dad, be strong.
Oh, look, uh, why don't we go in the kitchen and get dinner started, and leave the problem solving to them? I'm too upset to eat.
Well, I'm not! Move it.
(sighs) What are you gonna tell her, Mal? I mean, I feel kind of responsible.
I found the letter and all.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Sit down.
Something like this: "Dear First Love, "There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Looks like you may have caught yourself a shark.
" Ooh.
"So stop crying.
"First thing you've got to do is find out if it's true.
"If he is seeing the other woman, you've got no choice.
Cut him loose.
" - That's good, Mally.
- Yeah? That's good, that's good.
I would add, um, uh, "And let him sink into the slime.
" But that's just me.
(chuckles) That's a nice touch, Alex.
What do you think of my response? I liked it, but don't you think it's a little rough? Now, see, Jen, rough but fair.
You've got to give it to these people straight, or nobody feels like they're getting helped.
I mean, how would you feel? I don't know, I haven't had my first love yet.
But when you do, you'll come to me for advice, right? For sure.
How's it going, Mom? Well, I'm working on the McPhillips house.
Still? I thought you finished that.
What's the problem? Well, it's really a problem of balancing the spatial and the structural logistics.
I mean Can we do we just sheer-wall the existing elements, or can we support the weight of a cantilevered terrace with with just poured concrete grade beams? I don't know.
(sighs) Architecture got you down, Mom? Here's a suggestion for a quick pick-me-up.
Go buy yourself a new dress.
Something splashy; something pink.
Buy me one too.
Make you feel better.
Always worked for Frank Lloyd Wright.
- You see? - Mm.
How's "Dear Mallory" coming along? Great.
I've got Andy helping out now.
(laughs) Oh, that's cute.
How do you spell "grow up"? Uh, G-R-O-W U-P.
How about "sink back into the slime"? (sighs) Ask Alex.
I brought you a present: The new issue of the Shopper"s Guide, Mal! Yay! It's my first "Dear Mallory!" Where is it? Where is it? It's, uh, it's right here, Mal, it's right here, right between "The Weekend Grease Monkey" and "Cora's Cut-Rate Corner.
" Eh, uh, you know, that "Weekend Grease Monkey" is a hell of a column.
No need to tell us, Nick.
It's our favorite, too.
NICK: Yeah.
Oh, look, there's my picture! Yeah, right between Cora and the Monkey.
Let me read it.
Here.
"Dear First Love, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and it looks like that you may have caught a a shark.
" - (giggles) - Whew.
Or what's this here? Oh, uh, eh, uh, that's your address and, uh, that's your phone number, Mrs.
Keaton.
You know, you should really know that.
I mean, in case you get lost or something.
Mom, I put it in there.
If any of my readers had questions you know, if anything seemed unclear they could call or write me directly here.
Well, that's something Dear Abby's never done.
I am simply not into a cold, aloof approach to advice-giving.
I am warm and accessible.
People need me, and I'm here for them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can vouch for that.
She's warm and accessible Nick! Please! Please, Nick, it's bad enough our phone number's in the paper.
ELYSE: Look, what is to stop people from coming up to our house - and knocking on the door? - (knocking on door) Very little, it seems.
Yeah.
Are you "Dear Mallory"? Well, I know what your problem is, pal.
Slight gender confusion.
Well, that is on the list.
- That's "Dear Mallory" right there.
- Ah.
- I'm "Buffaloed Bill.
" - Buffalo Bill.
"Buff Buffaloed Bill.
" - Oh, okay.
- My wife, she orders me around all the time.
Well, these are my parents, Steven and Elyse Keaton.
Oh, Mr.
Keaton, Mrs.
Keaton.
- Buffaloed.
- (phone rings) Hello.
"Dear Mallory," it's for you.
- (knocking on door) - ALEX: I got it.
Hello.
Yes.
- "Dear Mallory"? - (overlapping chatter) Oh, Mallory, am I glad to see you.
You've got to help me.
You look tired.
(sighs) I'm fine.
How many letters have you answered tonight, hmm? How many phone calls? Oh, I stopped counting after a hundred.
You're doing way too much.
I can't believe how many hours you're putting in on this.
I know.
Mom, I've been working hard.
But it's worth it.
When you're in the public eye, as I am, your time just isn't your own.
You're so lucky to be a complete unknown, Mom.
I don't I don't like to brag about it.
- ¡Hola! Hey! - Hi, Alex.
Boy, how people can say economics majors are dull is beyond me.
Tonight, we watched reruns of The MacNeil/Lehrer Report.
Then we started quoting from Adam Smith.
At random.
And we finished up the night by dancing on the table and shouting out commodities prices.
I'm surprised the cops didn't bust in on you.
How many times do I have to throw this thing out? (phone rings) Hello.
Yes, this is she.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, talk to her.
Yeah.
Well, she's your mother and she deserves that respect.
Uh-huh.
Remember, we're always here for you.
Bye.
That's very good advice, by the way.
(sighs) It's instinctive, Mom.
Flows right out of me.
It's like there's this little voice inside my brain saying "Boy, you can see for miles in here!" (phone rings) STEVEN: I got it! Hey, Mal, Mal, this is getting a little out of hand.
You're giving marital advice now? Oh, Mom, the column's been expanded.
Oh, I'm giving marriage advice, legal advice.
I'm doing surgery through the mail.
Mal, telephone for you.
It's someone calling himself "Fed Up Freddie.
" I told him it's a little late to be calling, but he says he really needs to speak to you.
Oh, is he annoying.
Well, tell him it is too late to call, but he can come to the open house tomorrow.
Great.
What what open house? Well, I figured it would be a good idea to have a, um an open house one night a week.
That way I can deal with them one-on-one.
(sighs) Uh, listen, Freddie? She, uh she can't come to the phone right now.
But there's an open house tomorrow.
Don't start with me, Freddie.
Yeah, well, I'm fed up with you, too! Mallory, I I honestly don't know how you handle these people! I-I find it completely exasperating! Dear "Disturbed Dad," if you let the little things in life bother you, you lose sight of what you really have how much you mean to your family.
She's good.
She's very good.
I feel better.
(overlapping chatter) It's really going well, Alex.
So many people showed up, and I think we really helped a lot of them.
Yeah, well, uh, I've kept my area tidy.
Look, there are only about 15 more minutes.
Maybe we should start moving people towards the door? All right, Mom, I'll, uh I'll get out the big net.
- Well, enjoy yourself tonight, Skipper? - Uh, actually, I'm a little overwhelmed, Mr.
Keaton.
You see Well, I-I couldn't really decide what problem of mine to focus on.
So, uh, well, I've been kind of hanging around the "Generally Nuts" area most of the night.
You can't go wrong there, Skip.
(doorbell rings) - Hi.
- Uh, hello.
I'm Andrea Neff.
Are you "Dear Mallory"? Yes, but our open house is almost over.
Oh, great.
I can't even time my problems right.
I was hoping to have my crisis earlier, like usual, but wouldn't you know it, tonight I got off to a late start.
My kitchen blew up.
Let me help.
(clearing throat) Uh, excuse me, uh, Miss.
Why don't you, uh, just have a seat right by this sign.
Someone will be around to help you soon.
Um, what seems to be your problem, Andrea? Well, you-you don't know me as Andrea.
You know me as "First Love.
" "Fi" Yes! Hi! I-I've been waiting to hear from you! How did it go? Did you talk to your boyfriend? Yes, um, I You know, could you move this? Oh, God I-I talked to him.
And? Did you confront him like I said? Were you firm with him? Tell me everything.
Well, I-I did just what you said.
I-I looked him right in the eye and I said, "Billy, are you seeing another woman?" And he said, "No, I'm not.
"But I hate being accused by you and I never want to see you again.
" Oh, that's not good.
No.
I didn't think so either, but I-I wanted a professional opinion.
Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry.
Aren't you gonna fix it? Um I don't think I can.
If I'd have come earlier, could you have fixed it? (sighs) Look, maybe you're better off this way.
I mean, maybe he wasn't the right guy for you.
If he's so willing to leave you - just because you asked him a question.
- Oh, no, no.
He doesn't mind questions.
It was just that one that really bugged him.
Um, maybe you need to find another guy.
You know, there are plenty of them out there.
ANDREA: Oh, for you.
Look at you, you're gorgeous it's easy for you to say, "Cut him loose," but not for me.
I mean Look at you and look at me! I-I'm not in a position to make a stand like that.
How could you give me that advice? It was the best advice I had to give.
- I-I just tried - I'm Mallory's mother, and she was trying to help you, believe me.
Well, what do you know? You're gorgeous, too.
You're all gorgeous! I mean Do you have any idea what it's like being me? Well, I might.
D-Do you know what it's like sitting by the phone - praying for it to ring? - Yes.
Do you know how it feels to have a blind date show up at your door and say, "I'm sorry.
There must be some mistake.
" And he runs off? Yes.
Do you know what it's like to go to the prom as a as a hatcheck girl? Yes.
You know, I'm gonna kill this person.
I-I don't know what to say.
I-I'm I know.
This is this is terrible, I know.
I I should have written to "Dear Abby.
" I Oh, that's the last time I try to save a quarter.
Wait.
Um, do you want to sit down? We could talk about it.
No, no, I'm fine.
(chuckles) He was the only boyfriend I'll ever have, and-and now my life's a wreck.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Wait, Andrea! Wait up! You've been telling us about your academic and, uh, social problems for let's see two and a half hours now.
And you know what's amazing? I haven't really scratched the surface.
That's our sense of it, too.
Well, it's not like you guys have said anything.
I mean Can you give me some advice? Yes.
Go home.
It's good advice, Skip.
Thank you.
Hey, boy, these lovelorn people sure eat a lot.
Finished all the dip.
Gouged the bowl a little, too.
What a night! I never heard so many problems, saw so many tears.
I can't believe how many times I said, "Would you like a Kleenex?" - Hi.
- Hey.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Would you like a Kleenex? Did you catch up with her? Finally.
I tell you, this girl had some problems.
Speed was not one of 'em.
- Well, what did you say to her? - Mom, I mean, there was there was really nothing to say, you know? I apologized.
But what could I do? I-I can't believe the way this turned out.
All I wanted was for her to be happy, for them all to be happy.
That's so much like you, honey; it really is.
I was really foolish, Mom.
I was really in love with the idea that I could help these people, that that they'd turn to me for help, you know? I got carried away.
Well, you did get carried away, but you don't want to stifle that noble impulse.
It's such a beautiful quality, honey.
Mom, I mean, look at these letters.
I mean, can you believe the subjects I was trying to give advice on? Marriage, aging agriculture.
You know, even as a very little girl you were always like that, Mal.
So sweet and caring, always so so sensitive to other people's feelings.
I remember one time you came home all upset and teary-eyed.
You couldn't have been more than five, five and a half.
You said, "Dad, Skippy's hamsters are biting each other.
" Oh, Dad.
"And the lady hamster's biting the man more than the man's biting the lady.
" And I said, "Well, uh, maybe that's what hamsters do.
" You said, "How could that be? "They're supposed to love each other.
I have to have a talk with that lady hamster.
" And the next day you went and talked to the lady hamster and you came back home and said, uh, "Dad, they stopped biting each other!" I said, "Good for you, Mallory.
" You said, "Yeah.
Now they're biting Skippy.
" I love a happy ending.
I wish I'd remembered that story.
I might have stayed out of the lovelorn business.
Now, don't be so hard on yourself.
You made some mistakes, but, hey, you gave some good advice.
Look, here "Dear Mallory, my friends have moved, "my relatives don't talk to me, my husband left me.
What should I do? Signed, 'Desperately Lonely.
"' Now, what did "Dear Mallory" reply? Here, uh, "Dear Lonely, do yourself a favor.
Stop your whining and learn how to spell 'desperately.
"' I never wrote that.
Well, you were so busy.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)