Hogan's Heroes (1965) s06e03 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) * * Ah, this awful war when will it all end? When can you and I be just a man and woman again? When will these lips be able to say what's in my heart? Do you have any salt? ( laughs ) You have quite a line, Colonel Hogan.
I'm just keeping in practice for after the war.
Don't worry, you'll never lose your touch.
Mm-hmm.
You know, if everybody in the Underground were as pretty as you, the Nazis would be fighting to join.
Come to the point, Colonel.
Why are we meeting here? Well supplies and materials are being shipped by truck convoy along three different routes to Hamburg.
Once they get to the depot, we can't do anything.
Why? There's an SS panzer division there.
So the Underground has to knock off the convoys before they reach Hamburg.
That means three different attack groups.
And they've got to operate independently.
Mm I think it can be handled.
What are the truck routes? We'll pass that information along to you as soon as we hear from our contact.
In the meantime, we do know the convoys will be on the road next Monday.
Right, but we will have to be careful.
I think the Gestapo is watching me.
They've been dropping by the art gallery? No more than usual, but I think it would be best not to take any chances.
So When you want to arrange a meeting, send me the message with Alberta.
You know, it's too bad Alberta isn't a parrot, then she could tell you the message.
What if the Gestapo caught her? You're right.
They have ways of making anybody talk.
( pigeon coos ) LeBEAU: Yeah, that's a cute one.
Yeah.
NEWKIRK: Very nice.
Well, that just looks like an ordinary pigeon to me.
That's where you're wrong, Carter-- that's a highly trained bird.
It is? Sure.
Not only is it trained to deliver messages, but if it's captured Yeah.
it immediately swallows them.
Aha! I caught you! This I'm going to tell Kommandant Klink.
You are supposed to be outside doing your exercises! Ah, come on, Schultz, it's so dull doing those same old exercises.
What kind of exercises would you like to do? How about swimming across the English Channel? ( all laugh ) Very funny! Very funny! Raus mit Euch! Everybody out, out, out, out! Out into the yard ( pigeon coos ) Ah, ah, ah, ah.
What was that? What was what? I didn't hear anything.
( pigeon coos ) That.
You all heard this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure we heard it, didn't we, fellows? We certainly did.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I did hear it! So did we, Schultz.
Now tell me exactly what it is we heard.
( pigeon cooing ) ( pigeon cooing ) Carter.
Hi.
Hi.
Come off it.
Uh-huh.
And may I ask you why you were hiding this? It's obvious, Schultz-- there isn't enough for company.
Company? How many people do you think a little bird like that would feed? Even with the rice.
And the potatoes.
You're going to cook it? LeBeau has a special recipe for squab Lorraine.
But it's such a little bird.
Well, we were going to fatten it up first.
I'll tell what we'll do, Schultz.
We'll save you a leg.
And a wing.
Uh, yeah but, uh, uh It's a deal, Schultz.
Don't tell anybody else, huh? Of course not.
There's not enough to go around.
Out! Let's go, everybody Here is a report on prisoner-of-war camps.
We have the only perfect record of no prisoner escapes.
Hmm.
I'll have to tell the men, they'll be thrilled.
But we have the lowest mark in voluntary prisoner activity.
In Stalag 12, they do basket weaving.
At Stalag 8, they have camp shows.
In Stalag 15, they have developed a championship Ping-Pong team.
Now, here at Stalag 13, the men do nothing.
Why is that? Well, maybe the men feel it's a full-time job being a prisoner of war, sir.
Nonsense, Hogan.
Now I want you to order the men to do voluntary activity of some kind.
All right, I'll tell them right away.
Huh, that's interesting.
Yeah, it tells a lot about you, sir.
Oh, that's only some scribblings.
It's not scribbling, it's a doodle.
A doodle? It's the scientific name for it.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Tells a lot about you.
For instance, see the way you draw these straight lines here? It shows you have a strong, forceful character.
Yes.
And these circles show imagination and the ability to think through difficult problems.
Amazing.
Of course, I could be wrong.
Oh, no, no, no.
You've hit it right on the head.
Go on.
Yeah.
Well, you see the way you join your straight lines here? That shows you have a strong sense of justice, but with a sense of mercy and understanding.
Remarkable.
Mm-hmm.
It's as though you've known me all my life.
Hogan, you will please see to it that the men engage in some voluntary activity, huh? Uh-huh.
Or it'll be the cooler for everybody.
Hi, Schultz.
What's this? What's going on? Oh, didn't Carter give you the message? Nobody gave me a message.
Well, he's outside looking for you-- LeBeau cooked the squab Lorraine.
SCHULTZ: All this from one little pigeon? Well, we were 12 children in my family, so I learned to stretch things.
Oh Help yourself.
Mmm.
Mmm-- delicious! Here, Schultz.
Don't let Klink catch you eating with us, huh.
Mmm Mmm ( mumbling ) Hey, what was the holdup? We had to eat the chicken, didn't we? Schultz was here.
Boy, are we glad to get this.
Baker, contact the Underground, tell them we'll deliver the convoy routes to the art gallery in town tonight.
Right, Colonel.
Wait a minute.
Something wrong? Our contact at staff headquarters what's his job there? Janitor.
Can I have some chicken? NEWKIRK: This seems to be coming along pretty nicely.
Yup, we might make it.
Forget about "might," we will.
Achtung! What's going on here?! Merely acting on your suggestion, sir.
What suggestion? You said to get the fellows engaged in some voluntary activity, and I've got them working on sort of a jigsaw puzzle here.
I tore up some old maps.
You call that an activity? Would you rather see them digging tunnels, sir? Don't even say that.
That belongs here.
Und this one belongs hier.
You guys are very good.
You want me to tear up more paper, sir? Don't bother.
Hogan, this way.
What's up? I, uh would like to get your reaction to this.
What did you call it, a a doodle? I did it this morning.
I'll give it a look first chance I get, sir.
Mm-hmm.
Langenscheidt.
Langenscheidt, this is for the prisoners-- find some other way to amuse yourself.
All right, let's get on with it.
How's it going? I wouldn't have believed it, Colonel, but we're just about finished.
Good.
Get the pigeon out of tunnel, we'll send a message to Rhona.
Uh-oh.
BAKER: Here comes Klink.
All right, go on, I'll keep him occupied.
Right, sir.
Hogan? Colonel.
Did you look at that thing? What thing? You know, the doodle I gave you.
Oh.
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, no, I, uh I haven't finished, sir, it's not easy, it's very deep, complicated.
( plane engine droning ) ( bomb whistling ) Duck! That was close, just outside of camp.
That's your air force.
Those barbarians bombing their own prisoners.
HOGAN: Take it easy, Colonel, that's a German plane.
Impossible.
Now, why would a German plane drop a bomb here instead of enemy territory? For one thing, it's safer.
Dismissed.
What happened? Relax, fellows, it was a German plane.
He had a bomb hanging from his rack.
He dropped it, undoubtedly, so he could land.
Bad news, fellows.
The tunnel? Yeah.
It's caved in.
All the way from the radio room to the exit.
Oh, fine.
The men are digging it out now.
Take about two weeks.
At least Alberta's safe.
Hey, great.
LeBeau, take a message.
"Have the leaders of the three attack groups meet us "Sunday night at the art gallery.
We'll have convoy maps for you then.
" Sir, if we can't use the escape tunnels, how are we going to get the maps to them? I haven't a clue.
SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan?! You don't know what's going on.
The plane that dropped the bomb was one of ours.
Now why would he drop a bomb here of all places? Nobody knows.
( pigeon coos ) ( chuckles ) Some more squab Lorraine, huh? Why do we even try to hide anything from him? Let him see it, Carter.
Look how fat this one is, Schultz.
Feel him.
Now look what you did, Schultz! Boy! I did nothing.
Nothing! CARTER: Yeah, you did, you knocked him right out of my hand! NEWKIRK: Now you'll have to catch him.
Catch it? How can I catch it? It's gone.
How do you think we catch them, Schultz? With a mating call.
Mating call? Like this.
( imitating cooing by rolling tongue ) You try it.
Coo.
Coo.
Coo.
Aha, that's it, Schultz.
Now, while she's still around.
Don't let her get away.
Don't waste any time.
Go ahead, Schultz.
( continues saying "coo" ) I'm going back to my room to do some serious thinking about how we can get those maps to the art gallery.
Hey, something to think Nah, that's ridiculous.
Still, it might Nah, never.
I think it'll work.
It's crazy.
But you're going to try anyway, right? I have to.
Where'd I put that doodle Klink gave me? The what-le? I was standing in the barracks and I threw it in the trash No, I put it in my pocket.
Lieutenant Griner, do you know how actually close that bomb came to me? You are running a sloppy operation.
And what's more, I What? Tell it to your uncle, Field Marshal Gutmann? ( chuckles nervously ) Lieutenant, that won't be necessary.
All we have here is prisoners, so what possible harm could there be? Sorry I even bothered you with it.
Yes, sir.
Yes, Lieutenant Griner, yes.
What do you want, Hogan? Sir, I've been looking at your doodle.
I'm not interested.
Why didn't you tell me you studied art? I did not.
Oh, come on, you probably studied for years.
Paris, I'll bet.
Now, don't tell me you can see that in the doodle.
That isn't a doodle; that's a work of art.
Really? Oh, sure, you can see the influence of Matisse and Gauguin, but where they left off, you've gone on.
Aren't you exaggerating just a little bit? Look for yourself.
It does have kind of a sweep to it, doesn't it? Sure-- and see where the lines, how they've indicated a mood? And here-- see for yourself-- how powerfully you've indicated the infinity of space with just two circles.
That's exactly what I had in mind.
Why don't you let me keep it, sir? Naturally, I'll pay you for it.
Price, no object.
It would be like selling my own child.
I don't blame you, sir.
You know, you won't believe this.
I did this while talking on the telephone.
No.
Oh, yes.
There's something else you won't believe.
When I was a boy at school, my teacher told me I had no talent.
No.
Yes.
Well, they used to say the same thing to Rembrandt.
No.
Yes.
Well, I can see you're in a creative mood, so I won't keep you, Maestro.
Oh "maestro.
" Just one other thing, sir.
Yes.
Long after the Field Marshal Gutmanns are gone and forgotten, art lovers will still be talking about you.
HOGAN: Colonel! Colonel Klink! Here, uh Brought you a little present, sir.
A present for me? Your canvas, sir.
Hogan, I told you I can't paint.
Can a bird fly? Can a fish swim? I wouldn't know how to begin.
Go ahead, sir.
If you can't do it, I'll be the first to tell you.
You know me-- brutally frank.
Go ahead, sir.
Go on.
I don't know what to do.
You put your thumb through here, sir.
Bravo.
Follow your instinct.
It won't let you down.
Oh! Beautiful, beautiful.
( sobbing ) Um try to control yourself, LeBeau.
It's so beautiful, I I can't help it.
It's a natural reaction.
Finding such beauty in the squalor of a prison camp.
Hogan, is this really good? Oh ho It's another one of your character traits, sir-- modesty.
Do you realize what you've done here? The line, the coloring-- breathtaking! I just painted what I felt.
Mm-hmm.
True sign of a genius, sir.
Go ahead.
This time, I think I'll use a lot of blue.
Ah.
Ah, thank you.
This is something you'll be able to tell your children, fellas, after the war.
Yep, the maestro is going into his "Blue Period.
" ( humming "Fur Elise" ) Well, Schultz, what do you think, huh? I think it is too much Nobody wants your opinion! Too much what? ( sighs ) I don't know.
It's just too much.
Schultz, you are so stupid, I feel sorry for you.
Now just look at this painting closely.
What do you see? I don't know.
It is a painting of the wind.
Nobody can paint the wind.
Well, of course not.
But you can see what the wind is doing.
Just notice how everything is bending over.
It's the wind.
Don't you see that, Schultz?! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
That's a painting of the wind.
( door opens and closes ) Don't let me disturb you, sir, but I just had to come to watch you creating.
Oh, that's exquisite.
Absolutely charming.
People praying.
No, it's the wind.
Everything bending over with the wind.
Oh, I knew that.
What I meant was that's people praying that you continue painting for years and years.
Yep.
( humming tune ) ( sighs ) ( sighs louder ) Is something wrong, Hogan? I'm sorry.
I didn't want you to stop, sir.
No, what is it? What is it? Oh oh, it's silly.
Forget it.
No, I insist that you tell me, please.
Well, I know that you're a genius, and you know that you're a genius, but the real test of acceptance of your work is, will it sell? Will a collector think enough of your paintings to buy? I see what you mean.
Yeah.
Now, if I were you ( sighs ) But you're the artist.
I shouldn't tell you what to do.
No, go on, tell me.
All right, remember, you asked.
Well, I'd go into town, tonight, say, take three paintings-- no more than that, so they'll think there isn't too much of your work around-- I'd take it to the art gallery and offer it for sale.
That would be the test I'd make.
( snaps fingers ) That's a very good idea, Hogan.
I'll do it.
I'll take these three paintings.
Yeah, there's no doubt in my mind that it'll be snapped up right away.
But an artist can't be collected until his work has been seen.
Oh, I'd love to look at their faces when you show them your work.
Oh, you will, Hogan.
You know, without you, I would never have known that I was a painter.
You will come to town with me.
I'll just go and change.
Thank you, sir.
It's Hogan.
Colonel Klink, the prison commandant, is with him.
We'd better get out of here.
It could be a trap.
Oh, what's the matter with you? You know Hogan wouldn't bring Colonel Klink here if it was going to cause trouble.
Wait in the next room until I can find out what this is all about.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Ah! Good evening.
I am Colonel Klink.
This is Colonel Hogan.
Now, let's not waste any time.
I'm here to sell some of my paintings.
A simple yes or no is all I want.
Oh, Colonel, please.
That's not the way it's done.
Will you let me handle this? The colonel, as an artist, naturally, is very temperamental.
We realize, as an art gallery, you don't buy paintings, but you come in contact with collectors who do.
Yes, but naturally, I would have to see the paintings before I could recommend them.
Well, naturally.
Oh? Schultz! Schultz! Uh uh Uh uh very.
interesting.
That's all? Just interesting? Schultz! Put the paintings back in the car.
Oh, wait a minute, Colonel, please.
Just a minute.
She loves them, but if she shows any enthusiasm, she thinks you'll raise the price.
That's the way they all work.
Hogan, this is all new to me.
I'm an artist.
What do I know about business? That's why I want you to let me handle it, please.
Uh I want you to understand, these aren't just ordinary paintings.
They're not for the average person who buys just anything.
This is for the person who maps his buying with an eye to tomorrow.
Do I make myself clear? Perfectly.
And I happen to have three "collectors" here right now, who I think might be interested.
Let me get them.
Well, that's it, sir.
I'm not sure I want to sell.
You've got to.
Otherwise, you'll never know whether you're a success or failure.
All right.
These gentlemen are well-known collectors.
I've urged them to buy your paintings.
I'll take this one.
How much is it? Uh, a hundred marks.
All right, thank you.
All right, I'll take this one.
That'll be Well, that leaves the best for you.
You'll notice I'll take it.
For that one, I want 300 marks.
You think it's too much? Um No.
I'll pay it.
I've changed my mind.
This painting is not for sale.
You can't do that.
I'm doing it.
Maestro, you're making a big mistake.
You can't afford to antagonize a collector.
He can't hurt me.
That's exactly what Leonardo da Vinci once said to a collector.
That's why it took him ten years to sell the Mona Lisa.
Really, you can't make an enemy of an art patron.
But I want to keep this painting.
All right, then charge him 500 marks.
I'm a good judge of human nature.
He won't go that high.
You can have the painting, but it'll be 500 marks.
All right.
Two, three, four Hogan, you said he wouldn't pay it.
I guess I'm not such a good judge of human nature, but look at all the money you got.
Why didn't I know about this before? I'll bring you 30 or 40 more pictures by the end of this week.
In fact, I'll bring you that many every week.
Oh, Schultz, stop these men.
Stop them, stop them! What's the matter, sir? Hogan, you should know that better than anyone else.
I forgot to sign the paintings.
Ah! I am so glad you brought the paintings back.
Yes, I had to go to a lot of trouble.
I would like to know what this is all about.
In a moment, in a moment.
( humming simple tune ) KLINK: Beautiful, just beautiful.
( whispers ): What happened to the convoys? Boom! You see, Hogan thought-- I mean I thought-- that I would not have to sell the paintings.
In fact, I would be willing to pay for getting them back.
At a profit to you, of course.
All right, that will be 3,000 marks.
That's an outrage! Not for original Klinks, Colonel.
I have no doubt that your pictures will be as valuable one day as Gauguin or Van Gogh's.
Coming from an expert, that sounds wonderful.
One, two, three.
Thank you, Maestro.
And thank you, Colonel Hogan.
Bitte.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Wiedersehen.
Wiedersehen.
Did you hear that, Hogan? My paintings will sell for the same price as Van Gogh or as Gauguin.
You won't get that.
But she just said She said they would be as valuable.
Gauguin and Van Gogh starved.
It wasn't until after they were dead that their works became priceless.
Why, that would means I would have to die first.
Uh-huh.