Hot In Cleveland s06e03 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Well, something just fell off the handsome truck.
He is cute.
Watch me zap that silver fox with my blue lasers.
What the hell? Wow, that's never happened before.
It's your fault.
I'm shrouded in spinster fog.
Elka, we are not spinsters.
We are sophisticated, desirable women with a million exciting things going on in our lives.
Oh, look! New coffee sleeves.
And they have sayings on them.
"Freedom comes from self-reliance.
" You know, this coffee sleeve has a point.
I pay people to do everything for me.
I mean, why did I pay 20 bucks to get this button sewn on? That's what I charge.
I mean, I know it's just a cup, but I was just telling my radio listeners the other day that inspiration can come from anywhere.
Mine says, "make your brilliance known.
" Well, as it happens, cup, my agent says a big sponsor is looking to build a whole lifestyle website around me.
- Like Oprah and Gwyneth's? - Exactly.
Now, it turns out people are dying to hear Oscar-certified advice and celebrity tips.
Like my thought on fasting, "when you feel like eating, don't.
" That's just one.
Let's read Elka's cup.
"Perseverance is the soul of success.
" I think it's talking about the silver fox.
You should try again.
Persevere.
Well, I guess it's time to bring out the big guns.
Excuse me? Need some sugar? No, thanks.
Oh, stop that.
These aren't for you.
Hot in Cleveland - 06x03 Bossy Cups So, Paula, it's been three weeks and the screen door is still broken? Yes, and when I reminded my husband, he accused me of nagging.
I mean, what am I supposed to do? All right, sweetheart, men only want three things: Sex, food, and sex.
- So here's what you got to do - You think sex is the answer to everything.
Okay, give me a scenario where it's not.
Um, okay, you've been in a horrible accident, and your arm has been severed.
If that's the only thing that's been severed, sex is still the answer.
Anyway, Paula, maybe forget asking for your husband to help and fix the door yourself.
You know, I read something inspirational today.
"Freedom comes from self-reliance.
" Yeah, Melanie hasn't had a date in a while, so self-reliance is her only source of freedom.
I'm talking about doing something with my own hands.
Imean I am going to install shelves in my closet.
I'd like to see that.
Well, then you are welcome to come over.
And when I'm finished, you'll be eating crow.
I've had your cooking, Melanie.
It all tastes like crow.
Ding! That's round one to Frankie.
No, no, it is not.
Paula, disregard the ding.
- Paula? - Now look what you did.
You went and scared off our caller.
Hey, I'm back.
I just had sex with my husband, and it worked.
- He's fixing the screen door? - Yes! He's out there right now with a smile on his face.
Thanks, Frankie.
Ding.
I don't get it.
These dimples have worked for eight decades.
Let it go.
There's plenty of fish in the sea.
Oh, he's too pretty to throw back.
So what are you gonna do? Flatter him by acting interested in whatever he says.
I'll put on my listening face.
That works.
Even the dullest, most annoying people in the world are thrilled when someone pays attention to them.
Fascinating.
You miserable old bat.
I got this.
Oh, Elka, you'll want to hear this.
I have big news about me.
Fascinating.
Ah, she's a dear, isn't she? I was just on the phone with my website team, and they want to capture my lifestyle by doing videos of me.
Really? Hasn't that been done to death? - They want to include you.
- Well, there's a fresh twist.
Are you serious? Me? Yeah, they like the idea of a British sidekick.
Jolly bloody brilliant! And they're open to anything.
I mean, whatever we do in real life could be an episode on the website.
Well, let's pour a glass of wine and think of an idea.
That's got to be Frankie.
This is gonna be so sweet.
Well, well, well, it's Frankie.
Perfect timing.
I just finished installing my shelves.
This is a mess.
It's not my fault.
The stud finder doesn't work.
Let me see this thing.
Beep, beep, beep.
Yes, it does.
Just tell me what I need to do to fix it.
Well, for starters, you got to drywall.
Duh, drywall.
What's that? Plasterboard.
Look, it's easy all you got to do is clean up the hole, cut a piece of drywall, screw it into the studs, tape the seams, apply the joint compound, and then all you got to do is sand it, prime it, couple coats of paint, and you're done.
Clean Out The Hole.
Look, I know a guy over at the strip club.
He could probably do it for you for a couple hundred bucks Max.
But you got to pay him in singles, because he's going out tonight.
You're the guy from the strip club? - Smart girl.
- Yeah.
May I join you? I guess.
I'm Elka.
I'm Jim.
Jim.
What a fascinating name.
What are you doing there? I'm cost journaling.
I keep track of every purchase I make.
Tell me more.
Which makes it an even $19 on toiletries.
It's interesting how it all adds up, isn't it? Interesting is not the word for it.
Wait till I tell you how much I spend on electricity.
It's a shocker.
Did you catch that one? I did.
I like talking to you, Elka.
And you are so handsome.
I'm so excited to be developing this website with you.
Apropos of nothing, are there awards for this type of thing? There are.
And if it blows up, crazy money.
We've got loads of brilliant ideas for the website.
That accent gold mine! Love that.
The thing that really makes this special is the Victoria/Joy dynamic.
Oh, good, she's here.
- Who's here? - Well, as I mentioned, we love the Joy character.
Character.
You mean me? When a sponsor's putting up this much money, they always want choices.
Bloody hell, it's brass monkeys out there.
Oh, my God, it's Victoria Chase! You're even more beautiful in person.
Oh, I like this Joy.
Don't you, Joy? Okay, I have to admit, it looks really good.
Now I have to choose the paint color.
Do I want it to be energetic like Swiss coffee or welcoming like summer wicker, because don't you think a closet is sort of a wishing place? I wish I were deaf.
I want to put the mirror on the back of this closet door right here.
Yeah, I think it will fit.
Okay.
Oh, you know what? It sticks sometimes.
Part two.
You broke it.
How are we supposed to get out now? This thing won't budge.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, this is not good.
I'm a big man in a small closet.
What is wrong with you? I'm claustrophobic, okay? Is this room getting smaller? Are the walls closing in? I'm going to have to do my calming song.
Didly-didly-didly-Dee didly-didly-didly-Dee - Does it work? - It does.
In fact, I'm feeling Fine.
Okay.
Oh! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Okay, oh.
You know, Elka, I feel like I can be myself around you.
In fact Holy crap.
I mean nice glasses.
Oh, thanks.
Wow, look who has dimples.
So you didn't see them before? No, I'm blind without my glasses.
But now that we're dating, I can wear them all the time.
What happened to the dimples? How did it go with the website people? Well, I told them I didn't want to do it without you.
You're my best friend, and I think they'd be totally misguided to go with Olivia.
- Thank you, Victoria.
- You're welcome.
They're going with Olivia.
- What? - It's nothing personal.
They just find her more likable.
I don't even know what that means.
Well, it means that they find her more likable than you.
I know that, you idiot.
New Joy doesn't say things like that.
They're still going to call her Joy? Oh, the name just tested through the roof, so there's a win for you.
Ay-yup, girlies.
Victoria, we better get going if we're going to be there for the start of the cavs game.
Oh, yeah, we're shooting an episode there for the website.
But Joy and Victoria going to the cavs game was my idea.
Oh, and we're still doing it.
Joy and Victoria are going to the cavs game.
Another win for you.
Somebody get rid of these.
Oh, God, these are some well-ugly specs.
We haven't met.
I'm new Joy.
Oh, I approve.
You doing better? A little.
Eventually, they're going to come home and find us.
Sure, sure.
Boy, this is real for you, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, since I was a kid.
See, when I was small, to save money, my family hid me in the trunk when we would go to drive-in movies.
And one time, they forgot about me, and I was in there for a couple hours.
I still remember the movie too.
It was Cheech and Chong Up in Smoke.
That's terrible.
It was no better heard through a trunk.
And since then, I've been afraid of small spaces.
And Cheech and Chong.
Really? Cheech and Chong? Like, "Dave's not here, man.
" Stop it, stop it! I'm sorry.
Jeez.
You know what? I have crazy fears too.
I am scared to death of butterflies.
Butterflies? Butterflies can't hurt you.
Neither can Cheech and Chong.
Truce? I appreciate you sharing what you're afraid of and, uh, helping me to calm down.
You're welcome.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
What are you doing? Nothing.
What are you doing? I don't know.
- But I'm about to - Go for it.
Door's open.
Uh, sorry about the sneeze.
So, um, what just happened? Nothing.
Nothing happened.
Good.
That's what I thought.
Just checking.
So I'll, uh, see you at work? Yeah, see you at work.
Yeah, you want me to fix this door? No, no.
I like it there.
I guess Victoria's still sleeping.
She must have gotten home late from the cavs game with her new friend.
I saw Victoria and new Joy on the Jumbotron.
Can we not call her new Joy? Okay, old Joy.
Good morning, Victoria.
Or would you prefer "Cor blimey, Victoria, good bleeding morning"? Listen, Joy, I know that last night was bad.
Bad? It was typical.
So typical of you, Victoria, to sacrifice your friends to climb the ladder of success.
But this time, you invited me on that ladder with you.
And just as I was beginning to enjoy the view, you kicked me off.
Next time, why don't you just take me to the desert, have me dig my own grave hole, and shove me in? I could go for a trip to the desert.
Look, Joy, I know I deserve everything that you just said.
And that's why last night I told the website people that your friendship means more than this project, and and I quit.
- You quit? - Yeah.
But that website's important to you.
Not as important as you.
I realized something at that basketball game.
I don't want to spend time with a person who is young and bubbly and likable.
I want to spend time with you.
Really? Oh, Victoria, I'm so touched.
You know what? I'm gonna get some champagne, so we can celebrate our friendship.
That was a nice thing you did.
Well, it's just the kind of person I am.
They fired you, didn't they? Can you believe it? Apparently new Joy tested better than I did, so now they're building the whole website around her instead of me.
But I feel bad.
Do you think I should tell Joy the truth? No.
It would hurt her feelings.
Let me do it.
Elka? Over here.
It's the strangest thing.
Now I can't find my spare pair of glasses.
No.
I've looked all over your place.
Well, the last time I saw them, they were under the covers.
Let's go look there.
Hello, Frankie.
Good to see you.
Hello, Melanie.
Good to see you as well.
So, um, that thing that didn't happen in the closet yesterday, that's not going to affect us here right? Well, first of all, nothing didn't happen in the closet yesterday, and, uh, second, the show comes first, so I'm glad we're clear.
Me as well.
Up next, He said, She said with Frankie and Melanie.
Turn up your radio, and let the battle begin.
Hello, everybody.
Our first caller is tom from Cuyahoga Falls.
Yeah, hi.
I've been married for ten years, and now we're only having sex like once a month.
What do I do? Well, um, maybe you should deal with the problems in your relationship that are leading to her lack of interest.
Yeah, I don't really care why.
I just want more.
Right, Frankie? I actually think Melanie had a pretty great point.
- Well, thank you, Frankie.
- You're welcome, Melanie.
- Should we take another call? - I think we should.
Okay.
Hey, guys, uh, so what happened with those shelves? - Nothing happened.
- Absolutely nothing.
But she screwed it up, right? Well, actually, we ended up working together, and it was a pretty successful endeavor.
Now Melanie has a shelf that she can put things on.
Uh-huh.
Did she put your balls on that shelf? Hey.
Watch your mouth.
There's a lady here, all right? - Thank you, Frankie.
- You're very welcome, Melanie.
Okay, you know what, we'll be right back after this break.
What the hell was that? We're terrible.
I know! We're gonna get kicked off the air if we spend the next three hours agreeing with each other.
Look, this whole thing started because you tried to kiss me.
I tried to kiss you? No, no, no.
You tried to kiss me.
You leaned in.
You leaned in.
The point is, there was leaning.
I can't do this show if you have feelings for me.
Oh, please.
Feelings for you.
The only feeling I have for you is utter disgust.
Right back at ya, baby.
Oh, this is good.
I know! This is us.
And we're back.
To that caller earlier who was only getting it once a month, I actually agree with Melanie.
Have a dialogue with your wife.
Here's the dialogue.
"Put out or get out.
" Please, Frankie's just jealous of any man that doesn't have to pay for it.
And Melanie can't give it away for free.
So that's why a thermos keeps things both hot and cold.
Goodness, I've been talking about thermoses for 40 minutes.
Has it only been 40? Look, Jim, about us, I mean, it's been fun Ah, hold that thought.
It's kind of bright out here.
Oh.
Oh, you look good in those glasses.
Damn good.
Actually, they're prescription.
So you don't need your other glasses? No.
These are easier on my eyes.
They're easier on my eyes too.
So, um, what were you going to tell me? I can't remember.
Elka, I wanted to mention, I'm going to have some dental surgery later on, and I won't be able to talk for a few days.
We'll make it work.