Inside No. 9 (2014) s06e03 Episode Script

Oh, Jesus Christ.
Hello, my name is Eric Muller.
I'm the hotel manager.
I trust everything is in order? Yes, fine, thanks.
I was just trying to find the light switch for the bathroom.
Ah, it's just this one here, sir.
Oh, right, I thought I'd tried that one.
The gentleman next door said he could hear sounds of distress.
Oh, that was, uh, probably the television.
Would you like for me to send one of the guest relation team to explain the room to you? No, I'm sure I can work it all out.
I did manage to find the do not disturb sign, after all.
I do need to check the sell-by date on your Lotus Caramelised Biscuits, if I may.
We are between boxes at the moment, and I do like to keep abreast of the situation.
So, let us see here.
Good, as I had hoped, good couple of months yet.
Well, if that's put your mind at rest We do have guest response cards with the hotel literature by the console - any comments, good or bad, will be gratefully received.
OK, thank you.
We have had issues recently with the gentlemen, sometimes ladies, wishing to book the room on a day rate, if you take my meaning.
This is something we are very keen to stamp out.
I'm sure we understand each other, Mr Hughes.
Yes, I get it.
Uh, if I see anything untoward, I'll let you know.
It would be most agreeable.
So, I will let you enjoy a beverage.
Maybe I could reserve a table for you at Paulo's tonight - would you like that? Uh, no, I've got a lot of work to do.
Hmm, this is of no consequence.
I do hope that you have a relaxing stay.
- Hello.
You must be Iris.
- Yeah.
Come in, come in.
You, uh - You found us all right, then? - I did.
Ooh, very functional, innit? Where do you want me? Oh, um, anywhere.
Just make yourself comfortable.
So it's, uh, 20 for a hand job, 50 for oral and 500 if you wanna lie under a glass coffee table whilst I take a dump on it.
Oh.
No, that's not I-I-I'm sorry, I think there's been some confusion.
I'm just kidding with ya.
Helps to break the ice.
I know why I'm here.
Um, can I make you a cup of tea? No, thank you.
You know that half of hotel kettles been used for boil-washing underwear? - No, really? - Oh, yeah.
- And the other half's been used for peeing in.
- Jesus.
Thought the element looked a bit green.
Well I can offer you a Lotus biscuit.
They are in date.
Oh, no, thank you.
Let's get on with it, shall we? You are paying by the hour.
So, uh, I'm Felix, as you know.
I'm a data entry manager by profession.
Boring.
I've been with Brenda for about six years now and we have a little boy together, Dylan, he's three.
About 18 months ago, Bren wanted to get back into the workplace.
Uh, her mum could look after Dylan.
So she started at a PR firm, where she was quickly head-hunted, and now You think she's having an affair.
I was building to that, but, uh, yes.
She travels a lot with her job, and it's all highly confidential, so she can't really talk about it at home and she's been increasingly secretive.
Well, doesn't mean she's cheating on you.
She might just take her job seriously.
Some women do that, you know.
Oh, of course.
And I-I may be wrong, I hope I am, but, uh I just can't rest until I know.
And she's meeting this client over the road? Yeah, yeah.
Hehe's booked a suite.
How do you know? I can access her online calendar.
Now I'm sure the office explained to you, but we can't guarantee 100% accuracy.
Depends where they position themselves, obviously.
About a third of lip shapes are visible on the mouth.
Others are inferred by movements of the neck, jaw, chin, even the eyes.
Then there's the context to be taken into consideration, which is why you need an expert lip reader.
- You come highly recommended.
- Hmm, glad to hear it.
Of course, she may be doing other things with her lips which you don't want me to describe to you, but it'll all be in the report.
I understand.
And that's fine.
Please, don't hold back for my sake.
Oh, I won't.
Right, let's see what we can do.
You might wanna make notes, Felix.
Once I get going, it can be quite quick.
OK, yeah, good idea.
Visibility's good for now.
Have to keep an eye on that reflection on the glass.
Typically, we work from CCTV or video so we can zoom in on the subjects.
Live reading's always trickier.
So, uh, what kind of stuff do you normally do? Trial work.
Forensic speech reading.
Sometimes the tabloids get in touch if they wanna make out an exchange for a story.
- Must be interesting.
- It is.
Oh, hang on, and there's movement.
We've got two men in dark suits followed by a woman who could be your wife.
She's wearing a sort of teal-green top, is that right? Yeah, yeah, I saw she had that on this morning.
Yeah, I bought it for her, actually, couple of birthdays ago.
Dorothy Perkins.
"Is he here?" I dunno, you're the one with the binoculars.
No, that's what she's saying.
Um, "Two flat whites and a piano something.
" Pain au chocolat, she loves those.
Right, yeah, that's probably it.
Uh, the men in suits are leaving.
There's another man coming in.
Six-foot one, slim, olive skin, lovely thick hair.
Wow, he's gorgeous.
- Is that? - Yeah.
Yes, it is.
Dimitri Novak.
Lawyer, political agitator, human rights activist, all-round do-gooder.
Yeah, I think I've read about him.
He's hot.
Well, my wife thinks the sun shines out of his arse, so, yeah, he probably is.
I'm not being funny, Felix, your wife has very good taste.
You talking about him or me? Both.
Though you are physically very different.
Ooh, hang on, she's coming towards the window.
"Do you want me to close the blinds, Dimitri?" Oh, God, no.
"I want to something it in the dark.
" What? It's either look at it or maybe suck on it.
But which? That's pretty important! I'm not sure, she's turned her head.
He's taking his jacket off.
He says it's fine, he doesn't mind either way.
Yeah, course he doesn't, the cheating bastard.
- Let me look.
- Wait.
Let me see.
Who's that? That'll be the hotel manager.
Shit! He said I'm not allowed people in my room.
What do you mean, you're not allowed people in your room? You're not on a school trip.
He means women.
Prostitutes.
Hmm, charming.
Just go in the wardrobe, please, while I get rid of him.
No chance.
Wardrobe? I'll wait in the bathroom.
OK, thanks.
Lock the door.
Breakfast menu.
I noticed earlier you didn't have one.
I'll just go and pop this on the console for you.
We offer a full English at 31.
99, plus a 7 pound tray charge if you prefer in-room dining.
Uh, yes, that sounds very reasonable.
Everything else in order? You don't need any more coat hangers?! No, I'm fine, thanks.
Excellent.
I just need to check your toilet roll situation.
Yeah, I was, um, gonna mention - it seems to have locked itself for some reason.
From the inside? Yeah.
That's all right, I can always go in the kettle.
No need.
I have the key of the skeleton for such emergencies.
Oh, you're just going to let yourself in, are you? All good? Ja, splendid.
Shampoo and body wash all at satisfactory levels.
So, I will let you get on with your work, Mr Huge.
Just so you know, we will be performing a full fire drill at 3:15.
We will be asking all guests to make their way to the rear car park.
That's fine.
There will be a roll call of all guests, so everyone will be accounted for.
Thank you.
Readers' Wives! How analogue of you.
Plenty of bush on display, very retro.
It's not mine.
Pubes are like cargo pants hang on to them long enough, they'll come back into fashion.
Honestly, I-I found it pushed down the side of the mattress.
Don't worry, I won't say anything.
My lips are sealed.
Mr Muller seems like quite a character.
Why's he so suspicious of you, do you think? You seem pretty normal-looking to me.
Oh, I dunno, I think he's just uptight.
You get the impression he'd rather run a hotel without any guests in it.
Yeah, like a bus driver - who hates having to pick up the passengers.
- Yeah! Or maybe just gets his kicks out of spying on people.
- Speaking of which - Oh, yeah.
So are the blinds closed or open? Open, thank goodness.
You'll be pleased to hear the only thing she's gobbling is that pain au chocolat.
God, this is awful.
It's like having open-heart surgery with no anaesthetic.
Oh, don't be so squeamish.
Says someone who's obviously never been in love.
Dimitri's going to the bathroom.
Can I ask are you married, Iris? Me? No.
I'm self-partnered, as they say.
Single as a dollar and not looking for change.
And are you happy with that? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Really cool with it.
Don't miss men at all.
Not at all.
I'm really happy.
Sorry, what? I didn't say anything.
Well, I mean, I might like to meet someone eventually.
But, for now, I don't need another half because I am a whole.
I mean with a W, not as in An empty abyss.
He's back.
She's turned away from me now, but he's asking about a schedule.
"Where are we with Andrew Marr's people?" "Is it confirmed?" What's that about? Uh, Bren's his press secretary, that's what she does.
She's shaking her head.
"We need confirmation on that - it's important.
" How's his body language? Well, he's getting agitated, she's trying to calm him down.
- What, is she touching him? - She's leaning forward.
I can't see what she's saying, but it strikes me as a very close relationship.
You often get that with press agents, they have to be flirtatious to coerce people into doing their bidding.
Ooh, hang on, she's going for her phone.
"I need to call Max.
" Max? She doesn't know anyone called Max.
Hello? "It's me.
" "Did you call me last night?" No, I-I-I don't think so.
"I had another missed call, number withheld.
" No, I-I, well, I-I-I was out last night withmy friends.
"I just wanted to remind you about this weekend.
" No, no, no, look, we don't have to discuss that now.
"You can pick Dylan up from my mum's.
" "Don't forget his mini pyjamas?" Minion pyjamas.
No, I won't.
Listen, we can talk about this another time, yeah? Why don't we grab lunch or something? "Felix, no.
I don't wanna see you.
" "When will you understand it's over?" Brenda, please.
"I have to tell you - I've filed for a restraining order.
" "My lawyer says this is borderline arse mount.
" It's "Harassment", and you don't have to keep repeating everything, I can hear! "Who are you talking to?" "Is somebody there?" No.
No, it was just the TV.
I'm here on my own.
"I wish you'd meet somebody, Felix, I really do.
" "You deserve a penis.
" Happiness.
I was happy.
Listen, I'll call you back later.
Just stay away from that fucking lawyer, please.
Please! We can sort this.
I just need to see you.
She hung up.
What's she saying? "Sorry about that, he's insane.
" Dimitri's nodding.
- He's moving towards her - Yeah, all right, stop it now.
He's putting his arm around her.
- I said stop it.
- "Let me help you.
" That's enough! This was a mistake.
So it wasn't Max, it was "My ex".
I think I should probably go.
Where's my bag? I'm sorry.
How long have you been divorced? We were never actually married.
Bren and I separated eight months ago.
She swore there was nobody else, but I didn't believe her.
And I just couldn't cope.
I got more and more depressed.
I spent hours online on Dad Chat.
What's that? Well, it's like Mumsnet, but with sad men rather than competitive women.
And one of the posts on the forum said that I was living in limbo and They recommended your company.
He said I should find out for sure if she was seeing somebody else.
Why? Because, if she's not If she's not, then I still have a chance.
You also have a restraining order.
I know it sounds mad, but love is mad, isn't it? Sorry, I forgot.
You don't know anything about that.
I do know that you don't have to demean yourself.
Maybe it is time for you to move on.
Oh, for fuck's sake! It's all right, I'll assume the position.
Need a pee, anyway.
Oh, thank you, I'm so sorry.
What now? I'm afraid we've had another complaint about the noise.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Raised voices, items being thrown against the walls.
Yeah, I couldn't work the trouser press and I got frustrated.
We don't have the trouser press.
Although we are hoping to roll them out in a bid to win a fourth star.
Four stars? You're joking, aren't you? Been in bus shelters more comfortable than this.
Well, irregardless - That's not a word.
- It is, actually.
Irregardless, the gentleman next door would appreciate it if you could keep the noise down.
He's made several complaints already.
Yeah, well, I'll be gone in half an hour, so it'll be quiet then, and you can clean up all the bodily fluids - I've been spraying everywhere.
- Wait, what?! Well, that told him! Arsehole.
You can come out now.
I'll be two minutes.
No lingering by the door, please, I know your type.
Yeah, sorry.
Sorry.
Why do they bother folding the end of the toilet paper into a V-shape, do you think? Uh, dunno! Trying to show they've cleaned it, I suppose.
Guilt-trip you into leaving a tip.
Listen, I've been thinking.
You're the client, your personal circumstance is none of my business, so Let's just carry on, shall we? That's very kind of you.
Oh, right-hand lens is a bit cracked, but it should be all right.
I'm happy to pay for any damage.
Oh, it looks like they're going through something on his laptop.
They're sitting side by side He's saying, "This has been in the making for over three years.
People are gonna be very shocked.
" So, how did you end up being assigned to me? Ah, that's just random, through head office.
I just happened to be free, that's all.
Why? No reason.
And you don't have any qualms about prying into other people's lives? You're the one who hired me, remember, Felix? How did you know his name was Muller? Sorry? The hotel manager.
You said you'd never been here before.
How did you know his name? You must've mentioned it.
I didn't.
Then I dunno.
So what about this? Is it hot in here? Shall I open a window? Is there a minibar? I could do with a drink.
Please, just be honest with me.
So The security around Dimitri Novak's been stepped up in recent months due to his high-profile campaigns.
He's had a lot of abuse.
Online death threats.
His team were concerned about your erratic behaviour as Brenda's ex, so they drafted me in to monitor your conversations and make sure you weren't an active threat.
- You've been stalking me? - No.
No, they sent me these recordings to transcribe.
But spending all that time observing you, I I felt like I understood you.
Brenda couldn't see it, but I could.
You're right, Felix, love is mad.
It makes you do crazy things.
I felt like I had to reach out to you somehow.
Wait.
That was you on Dad Chat? TiredTerry66? Yeah.
I just wanted to meet you face to face IRL.
I thought maybe It might help you see past Brenda and, uh Consider somebody else.
Anyway Now you know.
Can I have my thumb drive back, please? You won't be charged for this session.
I'll just tell the office you never showed up.
For what it's worth, I don't think Brenda and Dimitri are having an affair.
I may have made it seem that way so that Well, I'm sorry.
I wish you all the best with getting her back.
Goodbye, Felix.
Iris! Hang on, hang on, hang on.
What are you doing? Now look what you've made me do.
Is there a hairdryer? No, leave it.
It's a shithole anyway.
Open the curtains, would you? I can't see a bloody thing.
- What the fuck was that? - What? - He's been shot! - What?! Dimitri! He's been shot! Someone just shot him! Here! Brenda! Brenda! - Now.
- What? We're getting reports of a shooting in central London.
The victim is said to be Dimitri Novak, the prominent anti-government campaigner Novak was believed to be working on a major announcement, set to cause shockwaves throughout Westminster The gunman has been named as Felix Hughes, an embittered former partner of Novak's press secretary, Brenda Doyle He was last seen by several eyewitnesses waving a gun and shouting his wife's name before being shot by armed police.
He seemed very agitated.
I also noticed he had been drinking, which is never a good sign.
The murder of Dimitri Novak is a tragedy - there's no doubt about that.
But, as this inquest has proven, the person responsible was acting alone and clearly from a very personal agenda.
Let's let's be very clear - any conspiracy theories linking this government to Mr Novak's death are quite frankly preposterous.
Thank you.