Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s06e03 Episode Script
Short Fuse
Hey, single Sarah! Just the gal I was hoping to bump into.
Oh, that's sweet, Fred.
I wish we could hang more connect over coffee.
Oh, my.
You're hitting on me.
Forget about coffee, toots.
I need your eyes and ears - On me completely.
- Um, no, I'm not done that yet.
OK, what can I do for you? I'm trying out new slogans for my radio show, and I need some feedback.
Perfect.
Well, PR is my specialty.
No, I don't want your professional opinion; I want to hear from your gut.
I want to get feedback from the average, run-of-the-mill dullard.
That doesn't really sound like me.
No, trust me.
You're bland, average, and boring as hell.
You're exactly what I'm looking for.
- Honestly, Fred! OK, give me your slogans.
- OK, here we go.
Fred Tupper's in your head Fred Tupper's in your bed Fred, Fred, Fred, awesome street cred OK, where are the hidden cameras? Are you joking? - Seriously? You don't love it? - No! - No? - No, it's not clever or catchy.
"Fred Tupper in your bed"? It's kind of creepy.
What do you know? Forget about it, huh? Pearls before swine.
OK, give me another one.
I know you have a number of slogans.
Well, one is a number.
Anywho, thanks for nothing, toots.
Hey, you guys.
I want to try a new little radio slogan Fred Tupper's off his meds Little Mosque on the Prairie S06E03 Short Fuse Sit tight, honey, 'cause breakfast is on its way! Here we go Oh.
And here I come! Hello, Sleeping Cutie.
Oh, honey! That looks amazing.
You must have used every appliance in the kitchen to make that.
Well, every appliance but the dishwasher, And we can use that tomorrow.
Or right after breakfast.
This is nice.
Nobody here to interrupt us.
No Nate around to want to cry every time we kiss.
- But what about the waffles.
- Just forget about the waffles.
Did you leave something on in the kitchen? No, no, I didn't.
No, 'cause I do hear noises.
It's just the convection oven, the toaster, the beating of my heart.
Plus the waffle iron.
Maybe you shouldn't have been using so many appliances, huh? Now, honey, most women would be impressed by my multitasking.
That is, women who are easily impressed and not as beautiful as you.
OK, try a switch.
Try a switch.
Hmm.
Not it either.
OK.
Oh! Maybe we need a new fuse panel with switches like everybody else has with a house built this century.
Yeah, but didn't your dad install this one? I mean, he kept saying that antique fuses have such quaint charm.
My dad read by firefly as a kid, So anything with a light bulb has antique "charm".
Right.
Uh This is easy.
I can fix this.
Maybe we should call a guy.
A guy? What kind of guy? No guy could fix this any better than I could.
Oh! Oh! Not even an electrician guy? Well, maybe an electrician guy.
Look, I will have this fixed in just a few minutes, or I will look it up online.
I mean, what do you think the Internet is for? I don't know, Internet shopping? - Identity theft? Be careful.
- Yup.
- Love you! - Bye! chicken mango pickle - Oh! - Oh, I'm sorry.
Curse you, giant dream-breaker! Who's a grumpy bum? You are! What in the name of unholy interruptions is this? I was flying, Thorne.
Flying! With your stubby arms? I doubt it.
Anyway, I brought you some bagels.
Take that away.
I'm still digesting my morning grapefruit.
Since when do you eat fruit? Since Layla told me on the Skype that I was looking roly poly in my face and in this general area.
Those cameras are very unflattering to a man my age.
And size, I guess.
Anyway, diets are for another day.
I brought three kinds of cream cheese.
You go ahead and get bloaty.
I do not want to put on the pounds.
That's why I was sleeping You can't eat when you're unconscious.
I have sleeping pills that say otherwise.
Now look, you don't expect for me to dine alone.
I expect you to take that tray of temptation and leave my office.
Let a man starve in peace.
Fine.
You know, I could stand to lose a few.
Why don't we make this interesting? - We can wear interesting hats.
- That's not what I meant.
Hello? Walaikum assalaam, honey! Yes, yes.
Oh, yeah, I got lights on.
I got so many lights on in here it's like Vegas! All we need is a couple of manly men and a white tiger, you know what I'm You're right, there are no lights on here.
But, look, relax.
I am one, two, maximum three steps away from getting the electricity back on.
No, one of those steps is not calling a guy.
OK, see you soon.
I need to call a guy.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Now, we've both fasted before for religion.
Please.
Muslims fast; Christians give up chocolate for a day and then give themselves a medal, - Which itself is filled with chocolate.
- "Tomayto", "tomahto".
See, you can't even speak without mentioning food.
What I'm proposing is a little friendly competition.
A fast-off, if you will.
Ah, now you're talking talking about losing, 'cause I will fast you right underneath the table.
You'll probably finish everything on this tray before you even reach your office.
Wrong again, Baber, because I am going to donate these.
Into the garbage.
Three days.
- No food.
- What's the prize? Besides gloating.
Uh, how about the winner gets to preach to the loser's congregation? Ha! Your sorry congregation will have no idea what even hit them.
And we'll have to think of something humiliating for the loser.
Although I think you have that covered.
- You wear a dress to work! - You wear a blouse! This'll be the easiest thing that I have ever done.
- Oh, yeah? - Now, if you'll excuse me, I must roam the hallways moaning in hunger.
Amaar: I'm a guy.
Of course I can fix a fuse box.
- Uh I don't know - Um, I have been watching you talk to your coffee for the last seven minutes.
Are you all right? Hi, Sarah.
Yeah, I'm just a little distracted.
Anything I can do to help? Not unless you can install a panel of switch fuses and restore the electricity to my house.
Of course I can! Let there be light! - Amen to that.
- I learned all kinds of Electrician-y stuff - When I took over Hamoudi Construction.
- So you can seriously fix All the things I wrecked in the house before Rayyan gets back? Absolutely! So finish drinking or talking to your coffee, and let's get a move on.
Give us this day our daily bread.
Mmm, bread.
Maybe a sourdough rye, or - Given up yet? - Uh, no.
Not even close.
No, I can go for days without food.
Days! Yeah.
You know, I once led a weeklong bible retreat in the Rockies.
I only drank lake water.
And then you caught the "beaver fever".
What? It's a real thing.
Google it.
Actually, maybe you'd better not.
Why do I suddenly smell curry? - Uh, because you're a racist.
- No, because you brought curry.
It's in that bag.
I can smell it! - Well, it is after sunset.
- Uh, first of all, no, it isn't.
And second of all, you just lost! Don't be ridiculous! Everybody knows that fasting does not count before sunrise and after sunset.
Take a look out your window.
The sky is mooning you.
Who cares about sunrise and sunset? That's not fasting; that's just rescheduled eating.
Not according to the prophet.
- Peace be upon him.
- The prophet? Baber, Are you trying to impress your daughter, or some guy you've never met? This is a weight competition, not a religious issue.
- Either you're in or you're out.
- I'm in, I'm in! The sun will rise and set on my empty yet succulent belly.
Oh, so hungry.
All you needed was a little patience.
That's it? Well, and a basic understanding of fuses and wiring.
What were you making for breakfast? - A rolling blackout? - Ha! Ha! Ha! Kudos to you, Sarah, For making that microwave turn on when you're actually at the microwave - and not at the hairdryer.
- Well, it's what I do.
I got a bunch of phone calls to make, and Ann's corruption won't contain itself.
How can I ever thank you for this favour and the favour - I'm about to ask you? - Oh, boy.
I'd really love it if Rayyan thought I fixed the problem.
Yeah, and I'd love it if Mercy had more than one diner, but we can't always get what we want.
I can't lie! That would be wrong! Although, technically, I did fix the problem, Because I asked you over and I delegated.
I was very proactive.
You were slumped over the counter talking to your beverage.
- So we're cool? - Not even remotely.
Look, name your price, Sarah.
For this, I could make a hundred bucks an hour.
OK, for you you can clean out my eaves troughs.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Well, that's what I thought until I met that vicious squirrel.
Guarding its nest of baby squirrels.
Who are getting stronger as we speak.
I'll be fine! I'll just use my, uh, poking stick.
- So, you really didn't call a guy, huh? - No.
- You can't lie.
- I'm not lying.
I swear I did not call a guy.
OK, I'm sorry.
It's just, I've known you for six years.
You've never really been a Mr.
Fix It.
I really didn't have to do anything.
- You even fixed our drippy sink.
- I did? I did, of course.
Uh listen.
I know my way around the plumbing, right? Lefty, tighty; righty, loosy.
It's all the same.
Come on.
Coming.
- Oh.
- Don't you mean "boo"? What is this, Halloween, or are you guys playing dress-up? Um, at least I am dressed.
What's with you? Well, I need a shower.
Oh, and you're announcing that half naked, door to door? My pipes burst in the middle of a lather, rinse, repeat.
I tried to wait it out, but a man's gotta clean himself.
All right, just 10 minutes, and, please, throw away the soap once you're done.
Amaar, why don't you head over to Fred's in the morning and fix his shower? I've gotta work as what? Well, you did such a good job with our plumbing.
I was gonna call a handyman, but those guys cost mucho dinero.
No, no, no.
My husband's the handiest man ever.
He'll have your shower working first thing in the morning.
- You won't believe your eyes.
- I know I don't.
Bonus! OK, which way to the shower? So? So? You said you had no water, Fred.
It looks like someone fired off a cannon in here.
Can you fix it or not? My money's on not.
Look, Fred, I don't think it's such a bad Can you please put on some pants? No! My house, my rules, my robe.
- Can you at least get me some tools? - Alrighty, but be prepared.
They're titanium.
Ah.
Great.
That should buy me some time.
Here we go.
Alrighty.
- Knock yourself out.
- All right, well, - this should be for the tiles.
- Wrong.
That's for pipes.
- I meant the pipes behind the tiles.
- Just kidding.
It's for tiles.
Fred, look.
I am here doing a favour that my wife volunteered me for.
Is this your new job now? Are you Mercy's new "handy-Imam"? Just asking.
I'm here helping a neighbour who is hovering.
- In a very short robe! - Careful.
Anywho, if you're bringing this baby up to full capacity, I'm gonna need me a new showerhead.
- Toodles.
- Right.
See you in a few hours.
And Jesus took the loaves and the fishes mmm, fish and when he'd given thanks, he broke them and gave them to his disciples.
Everyone ate and was satisfied.
Here's the thing: these people were starving! They would have eaten dirt at that point! Look, I will absolve the sins of any man or woman for a stick of gum.
Anyone? Bless you, good sir.
Mmm.
Are you for realsies? Am I absolved of my sins? Um 'Cause I've done some weird, weird things in my day.
Well, no, but, uh, I'll put in a good word for you.
God bless you.
Speaking of weird stuff, let's turn to Job.
Just try to lay off the salt a little more.
Like those packets that come with your instant noodles, don't eat those without the noodles.
OK.
Hi.
- Oh, hey, Mom.
What's up? - Oh, I just thought I'd visit my daughter at work.
You have time for a coffee? Um, sure.
OK, weird question: is it wrong that I don't trust my husband? Oh, is this about that electrical problem you guys had? - Yeah, how do you know? - Uh, oh, it's word around town that Amaar is quite the handyman.
Yeah, exactly.
Does that sound like the Amaar you know? Yes, it does.
He would totally pretend to master something he has no skills in whatsoever.
Thank you! He's up to something.
Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Yeah, like he hired a repairman and isn't telling me.
Which is why I sent him over to fix Fred's busted shower.
- When is that happening? - He should be there now.
OK, let's go get coffee.
Wait, wait, wait.
Amaar is at Fred's now? Yeah.
I hope someone's taking pictures.
Oh, my goodness.
You know what, honey? I have to postpone that coffee.
Amaaa A man needs me.
- A man? What man? - A man? No, no, I meant Ann.
She's very much like a man.
She has strong hands.
I gotta go.
Yeah.
Just going I am not hungry.
My tummy is empty so my heart can be full.
But, oh, what I would do - for one of those trash bagels.
- Ready to call it quits? Cowering on the ground is the universal sign for "I give up" at least, it was when I needed - to get out of gym glass.
- Ooh Head rush.
I will never give up! And take this as a universal sign of victory - and What is inside your mouth? - Gum.
- Spit it out.
- Gum's not food.
I'm chewing, not chowing.
Get rid of it right now or I will eat that muffin that I found in your rectory.
That doesn't sound right.
Look, gum is for jaw strength, not nourishment.
Besides, I think it's nicotine gum; Otherwise, I don't know why my mouth won't stop tingling.
At the count of three, you will spit it out, or I will start my victory lap, which will surely kill me.
Fine.
You're gonna lose anyway.
Yes, and I've already written my victory sermon.
It's called "Jesus Is Watching, And He Doesn't Like What He Sees".
Layla is doing the Skype in two days, and I will be skinny.
- Really? Sure about that? - Mm-hmm.
Well, why don't we take this party up a notch? Oh, yeah.
- A total life fast.
We don't eat, drink - Chew Gum We don't talk to anyone except each other, - And no sleep - For 20 minutes.
For two days! - Done.
- Shake.
And that's not what you meant.
I knew that.
- Life fast.
- To the death! - No, just for two days.
And no silly hats, OK? Sarah, you are a lifesaver, but Fred is gonna be back any second, so it'd be great if you could just leave through the window.
Amaar, this was a disaster, and I fixed it for you.
You're just gonna shove me out the window? No, of course not.
I'm just gonna push you if you get stuck.
I love you to death, but I am not helping you anymore.
You need to tell Rayyan the truth, and Fred while you're at it.
- Absolutely I will, but - Fred: I'm ba-ack! Stay in the shower! Stay in the shower! This seems like the dumbest hiding place in the world.
Shower time.
- Hello, Christian friend.
- Aha! What? I was just gonna tell him to bring canned goods to the food drive next week.
You are not allowed to converse with humans; you can only talk to me.
You're awfully uppity for a man who tried to sneak a drink from the garden hose.
I would've gotten away with it if you'd not been so meddling.
Yeah.
You know what you should do? Get Amaar to talk to Layla on Skype and just tell her it's you.
I'm going to go to Fatima's to smell the cooking fumes.
- I'll race you! - Go! It's got eight settings.
Jealous? How about you hook this bad boy up, and hit the road, huh? Sure.
It'll just take a second.
- No sweat.
- Real men do sweat, pal-y.
Then they use the old sweat destroyer to get rid of the stench.
God, I wish I had a bidet.
Thank you for that image, Fred.
- Quick, put this on.
- Amaar, I won't be rushed.
This is complex work.
First I have to rinse this in cold water We don't have time! Sarah! What are you doing here? Mother-in-laws, they're just so OK, that's it.
This deal is off.
You are going to tell the truth, Amaar.
I don't care if I have to face that terrifying eaves trough by myself.
Fine.
Bit of a confession here, Fred.
You know your new shower? Well, I may not have Rayyan: Amaar? Are you OK? I heard shrieking from Oh, Mom.
Actually, it was me shrieking.
Unless, Amaar, you would rather she think it was you Anybody want to explain what's going on here, Or should I just start showering in a room full of people?! Oh, no, please don't.
OK.
OK, I've decided what happens to the loser.
What? - They get eaten by the winner.
- Ah, precisely! Ow! You haven't won yet! OK, look, I, uh, may have had some help fixing the shower.
And our sink.
And our fuse box.
- I knew it.
- "Help"? Really? Is that all? And by "help", I mean that I did nothing, and Sara did everything.
Although I did tell some pretty funny plumber butt jokes that she laughed at.
- Yeah, I was just being polite.
- So you lied to me, then? 'Cause I did ask you outright if you hired a contractor.
No, I did not lie.
You asked if I hired a handyman, and actually I hired a handywoman, and I'm a little disappointed you didn't leave it open to both genders.
- Oh, oh you're disappointed? - Honey, it's a tad sexist.
I mean, you're a doctor.
You should know better.
Amaar! OK, I'm sorry I misled everyone.
Frankly, I didn't buy it for a second.
I figured he hired a guy.
Yeah, I did too.
I just didn't figure the guy was my mom.
How did you learn how to do all this stuff? Well, I slept with a contractor for 31 years.
Hm.
It's pretty darned impressive, Sarah.
Well, thank you, Fred.
It's very nice to be appreciated.
- Did you see the work I did on your tiles? - Yeah, yeah, smooth.
Yeah, I brought in some magazines for ideas.
Ooh, you have got to check out the bidets.
Oh! Porcelain bliss.
Oh, no, no.
Please don't do that.
- Give up.
- Never.
You're a failure.
You need food.
I know you are, but what am I? I don't understand the question.
What question? I never asked a question.
Why don't I understand the question? Subhan'Allah I see a bright white light and, and a white man with a beard judging me.
Oh, no! This is it.
It's me.
You're looking at me.
- Oh.
- Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You're hallucinating! I declare myself the winner! Oh, Allah, have pity on my soul and empty tummy.
I just wish you would have told me outright that my mom did it, Because it is actually cool that she can do all this stuff.
No, I know, I wanted to tell you.
I was just waiting for the perfect moment.
- Oh, after I found out? - Preferably before that.
Ah.
My mom, she does good work.
Although this tile's a little crooked.
Yeah, I did that one.
Well, that I can believe.
Look, I think we should get out of here just before Fred - comes back with his robe.
- Or less.
So you both collapsed after a one day fast? - No, I believe it was two days.
- He couldn't take it.
He caved like a deck of cards.
- I won.
You passed out.
- No, you passed out.
- He passed out first.
- Emergency vehicles were called, and mine, might I add, got here much quicker.
- I won! - I won! You're both losers, and you need to re-hydrate.
Loser.
No, but seriously, we should re-hydrate.
Am I thinking what you're thinking? - Care to make this interesting? - Mmm - Go! - Wha? Aw! I want to be your morning man I want to be your evening guy Let me spin your dial, baby The man with the sexiest legs in radio.
Can I hear it, folks? One, two, three Ooh! Oh! Back to Rayyan's place.
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven
Oh, that's sweet, Fred.
I wish we could hang more connect over coffee.
Oh, my.
You're hitting on me.
Forget about coffee, toots.
I need your eyes and ears - On me completely.
- Um, no, I'm not done that yet.
OK, what can I do for you? I'm trying out new slogans for my radio show, and I need some feedback.
Perfect.
Well, PR is my specialty.
No, I don't want your professional opinion; I want to hear from your gut.
I want to get feedback from the average, run-of-the-mill dullard.
That doesn't really sound like me.
No, trust me.
You're bland, average, and boring as hell.
You're exactly what I'm looking for.
- Honestly, Fred! OK, give me your slogans.
- OK, here we go.
Fred Tupper's in your head Fred Tupper's in your bed Fred, Fred, Fred, awesome street cred OK, where are the hidden cameras? Are you joking? - Seriously? You don't love it? - No! - No? - No, it's not clever or catchy.
"Fred Tupper in your bed"? It's kind of creepy.
What do you know? Forget about it, huh? Pearls before swine.
OK, give me another one.
I know you have a number of slogans.
Well, one is a number.
Anywho, thanks for nothing, toots.
Hey, you guys.
I want to try a new little radio slogan Fred Tupper's off his meds Little Mosque on the Prairie S06E03 Short Fuse Sit tight, honey, 'cause breakfast is on its way! Here we go Oh.
And here I come! Hello, Sleeping Cutie.
Oh, honey! That looks amazing.
You must have used every appliance in the kitchen to make that.
Well, every appliance but the dishwasher, And we can use that tomorrow.
Or right after breakfast.
This is nice.
Nobody here to interrupt us.
No Nate around to want to cry every time we kiss.
- But what about the waffles.
- Just forget about the waffles.
Did you leave something on in the kitchen? No, no, I didn't.
No, 'cause I do hear noises.
It's just the convection oven, the toaster, the beating of my heart.
Plus the waffle iron.
Maybe you shouldn't have been using so many appliances, huh? Now, honey, most women would be impressed by my multitasking.
That is, women who are easily impressed and not as beautiful as you.
OK, try a switch.
Try a switch.
Hmm.
Not it either.
OK.
Oh! Maybe we need a new fuse panel with switches like everybody else has with a house built this century.
Yeah, but didn't your dad install this one? I mean, he kept saying that antique fuses have such quaint charm.
My dad read by firefly as a kid, So anything with a light bulb has antique "charm".
Right.
Uh This is easy.
I can fix this.
Maybe we should call a guy.
A guy? What kind of guy? No guy could fix this any better than I could.
Oh! Oh! Not even an electrician guy? Well, maybe an electrician guy.
Look, I will have this fixed in just a few minutes, or I will look it up online.
I mean, what do you think the Internet is for? I don't know, Internet shopping? - Identity theft? Be careful.
- Yup.
- Love you! - Bye! chicken mango pickle - Oh! - Oh, I'm sorry.
Curse you, giant dream-breaker! Who's a grumpy bum? You are! What in the name of unholy interruptions is this? I was flying, Thorne.
Flying! With your stubby arms? I doubt it.
Anyway, I brought you some bagels.
Take that away.
I'm still digesting my morning grapefruit.
Since when do you eat fruit? Since Layla told me on the Skype that I was looking roly poly in my face and in this general area.
Those cameras are very unflattering to a man my age.
And size, I guess.
Anyway, diets are for another day.
I brought three kinds of cream cheese.
You go ahead and get bloaty.
I do not want to put on the pounds.
That's why I was sleeping You can't eat when you're unconscious.
I have sleeping pills that say otherwise.
Now look, you don't expect for me to dine alone.
I expect you to take that tray of temptation and leave my office.
Let a man starve in peace.
Fine.
You know, I could stand to lose a few.
Why don't we make this interesting? - We can wear interesting hats.
- That's not what I meant.
Hello? Walaikum assalaam, honey! Yes, yes.
Oh, yeah, I got lights on.
I got so many lights on in here it's like Vegas! All we need is a couple of manly men and a white tiger, you know what I'm You're right, there are no lights on here.
But, look, relax.
I am one, two, maximum three steps away from getting the electricity back on.
No, one of those steps is not calling a guy.
OK, see you soon.
I need to call a guy.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Now, we've both fasted before for religion.
Please.
Muslims fast; Christians give up chocolate for a day and then give themselves a medal, - Which itself is filled with chocolate.
- "Tomayto", "tomahto".
See, you can't even speak without mentioning food.
What I'm proposing is a little friendly competition.
A fast-off, if you will.
Ah, now you're talking talking about losing, 'cause I will fast you right underneath the table.
You'll probably finish everything on this tray before you even reach your office.
Wrong again, Baber, because I am going to donate these.
Into the garbage.
Three days.
- No food.
- What's the prize? Besides gloating.
Uh, how about the winner gets to preach to the loser's congregation? Ha! Your sorry congregation will have no idea what even hit them.
And we'll have to think of something humiliating for the loser.
Although I think you have that covered.
- You wear a dress to work! - You wear a blouse! This'll be the easiest thing that I have ever done.
- Oh, yeah? - Now, if you'll excuse me, I must roam the hallways moaning in hunger.
Amaar: I'm a guy.
Of course I can fix a fuse box.
- Uh I don't know - Um, I have been watching you talk to your coffee for the last seven minutes.
Are you all right? Hi, Sarah.
Yeah, I'm just a little distracted.
Anything I can do to help? Not unless you can install a panel of switch fuses and restore the electricity to my house.
Of course I can! Let there be light! - Amen to that.
- I learned all kinds of Electrician-y stuff - When I took over Hamoudi Construction.
- So you can seriously fix All the things I wrecked in the house before Rayyan gets back? Absolutely! So finish drinking or talking to your coffee, and let's get a move on.
Give us this day our daily bread.
Mmm, bread.
Maybe a sourdough rye, or - Given up yet? - Uh, no.
Not even close.
No, I can go for days without food.
Days! Yeah.
You know, I once led a weeklong bible retreat in the Rockies.
I only drank lake water.
And then you caught the "beaver fever".
What? It's a real thing.
Google it.
Actually, maybe you'd better not.
Why do I suddenly smell curry? - Uh, because you're a racist.
- No, because you brought curry.
It's in that bag.
I can smell it! - Well, it is after sunset.
- Uh, first of all, no, it isn't.
And second of all, you just lost! Don't be ridiculous! Everybody knows that fasting does not count before sunrise and after sunset.
Take a look out your window.
The sky is mooning you.
Who cares about sunrise and sunset? That's not fasting; that's just rescheduled eating.
Not according to the prophet.
- Peace be upon him.
- The prophet? Baber, Are you trying to impress your daughter, or some guy you've never met? This is a weight competition, not a religious issue.
- Either you're in or you're out.
- I'm in, I'm in! The sun will rise and set on my empty yet succulent belly.
Oh, so hungry.
All you needed was a little patience.
That's it? Well, and a basic understanding of fuses and wiring.
What were you making for breakfast? - A rolling blackout? - Ha! Ha! Ha! Kudos to you, Sarah, For making that microwave turn on when you're actually at the microwave - and not at the hairdryer.
- Well, it's what I do.
I got a bunch of phone calls to make, and Ann's corruption won't contain itself.
How can I ever thank you for this favour and the favour - I'm about to ask you? - Oh, boy.
I'd really love it if Rayyan thought I fixed the problem.
Yeah, and I'd love it if Mercy had more than one diner, but we can't always get what we want.
I can't lie! That would be wrong! Although, technically, I did fix the problem, Because I asked you over and I delegated.
I was very proactive.
You were slumped over the counter talking to your beverage.
- So we're cool? - Not even remotely.
Look, name your price, Sarah.
For this, I could make a hundred bucks an hour.
OK, for you you can clean out my eaves troughs.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Well, that's what I thought until I met that vicious squirrel.
Guarding its nest of baby squirrels.
Who are getting stronger as we speak.
I'll be fine! I'll just use my, uh, poking stick.
- So, you really didn't call a guy, huh? - No.
- You can't lie.
- I'm not lying.
I swear I did not call a guy.
OK, I'm sorry.
It's just, I've known you for six years.
You've never really been a Mr.
Fix It.
I really didn't have to do anything.
- You even fixed our drippy sink.
- I did? I did, of course.
Uh listen.
I know my way around the plumbing, right? Lefty, tighty; righty, loosy.
It's all the same.
Come on.
Coming.
- Oh.
- Don't you mean "boo"? What is this, Halloween, or are you guys playing dress-up? Um, at least I am dressed.
What's with you? Well, I need a shower.
Oh, and you're announcing that half naked, door to door? My pipes burst in the middle of a lather, rinse, repeat.
I tried to wait it out, but a man's gotta clean himself.
All right, just 10 minutes, and, please, throw away the soap once you're done.
Amaar, why don't you head over to Fred's in the morning and fix his shower? I've gotta work as what? Well, you did such a good job with our plumbing.
I was gonna call a handyman, but those guys cost mucho dinero.
No, no, no.
My husband's the handiest man ever.
He'll have your shower working first thing in the morning.
- You won't believe your eyes.
- I know I don't.
Bonus! OK, which way to the shower? So? So? You said you had no water, Fred.
It looks like someone fired off a cannon in here.
Can you fix it or not? My money's on not.
Look, Fred, I don't think it's such a bad Can you please put on some pants? No! My house, my rules, my robe.
- Can you at least get me some tools? - Alrighty, but be prepared.
They're titanium.
Ah.
Great.
That should buy me some time.
Here we go.
Alrighty.
- Knock yourself out.
- All right, well, - this should be for the tiles.
- Wrong.
That's for pipes.
- I meant the pipes behind the tiles.
- Just kidding.
It's for tiles.
Fred, look.
I am here doing a favour that my wife volunteered me for.
Is this your new job now? Are you Mercy's new "handy-Imam"? Just asking.
I'm here helping a neighbour who is hovering.
- In a very short robe! - Careful.
Anywho, if you're bringing this baby up to full capacity, I'm gonna need me a new showerhead.
- Toodles.
- Right.
See you in a few hours.
And Jesus took the loaves and the fishes mmm, fish and when he'd given thanks, he broke them and gave them to his disciples.
Everyone ate and was satisfied.
Here's the thing: these people were starving! They would have eaten dirt at that point! Look, I will absolve the sins of any man or woman for a stick of gum.
Anyone? Bless you, good sir.
Mmm.
Are you for realsies? Am I absolved of my sins? Um 'Cause I've done some weird, weird things in my day.
Well, no, but, uh, I'll put in a good word for you.
God bless you.
Speaking of weird stuff, let's turn to Job.
Just try to lay off the salt a little more.
Like those packets that come with your instant noodles, don't eat those without the noodles.
OK.
Hi.
- Oh, hey, Mom.
What's up? - Oh, I just thought I'd visit my daughter at work.
You have time for a coffee? Um, sure.
OK, weird question: is it wrong that I don't trust my husband? Oh, is this about that electrical problem you guys had? - Yeah, how do you know? - Uh, oh, it's word around town that Amaar is quite the handyman.
Yeah, exactly.
Does that sound like the Amaar you know? Yes, it does.
He would totally pretend to master something he has no skills in whatsoever.
Thank you! He's up to something.
Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Yeah, like he hired a repairman and isn't telling me.
Which is why I sent him over to fix Fred's busted shower.
- When is that happening? - He should be there now.
OK, let's go get coffee.
Wait, wait, wait.
Amaar is at Fred's now? Yeah.
I hope someone's taking pictures.
Oh, my goodness.
You know what, honey? I have to postpone that coffee.
Amaaa A man needs me.
- A man? What man? - A man? No, no, I meant Ann.
She's very much like a man.
She has strong hands.
I gotta go.
Yeah.
Just going I am not hungry.
My tummy is empty so my heart can be full.
But, oh, what I would do - for one of those trash bagels.
- Ready to call it quits? Cowering on the ground is the universal sign for "I give up" at least, it was when I needed - to get out of gym glass.
- Ooh Head rush.
I will never give up! And take this as a universal sign of victory - and What is inside your mouth? - Gum.
- Spit it out.
- Gum's not food.
I'm chewing, not chowing.
Get rid of it right now or I will eat that muffin that I found in your rectory.
That doesn't sound right.
Look, gum is for jaw strength, not nourishment.
Besides, I think it's nicotine gum; Otherwise, I don't know why my mouth won't stop tingling.
At the count of three, you will spit it out, or I will start my victory lap, which will surely kill me.
Fine.
You're gonna lose anyway.
Yes, and I've already written my victory sermon.
It's called "Jesus Is Watching, And He Doesn't Like What He Sees".
Layla is doing the Skype in two days, and I will be skinny.
- Really? Sure about that? - Mm-hmm.
Well, why don't we take this party up a notch? Oh, yeah.
- A total life fast.
We don't eat, drink - Chew Gum We don't talk to anyone except each other, - And no sleep - For 20 minutes.
For two days! - Done.
- Shake.
And that's not what you meant.
I knew that.
- Life fast.
- To the death! - No, just for two days.
And no silly hats, OK? Sarah, you are a lifesaver, but Fred is gonna be back any second, so it'd be great if you could just leave through the window.
Amaar, this was a disaster, and I fixed it for you.
You're just gonna shove me out the window? No, of course not.
I'm just gonna push you if you get stuck.
I love you to death, but I am not helping you anymore.
You need to tell Rayyan the truth, and Fred while you're at it.
- Absolutely I will, but - Fred: I'm ba-ack! Stay in the shower! Stay in the shower! This seems like the dumbest hiding place in the world.
Shower time.
- Hello, Christian friend.
- Aha! What? I was just gonna tell him to bring canned goods to the food drive next week.
You are not allowed to converse with humans; you can only talk to me.
You're awfully uppity for a man who tried to sneak a drink from the garden hose.
I would've gotten away with it if you'd not been so meddling.
Yeah.
You know what you should do? Get Amaar to talk to Layla on Skype and just tell her it's you.
I'm going to go to Fatima's to smell the cooking fumes.
- I'll race you! - Go! It's got eight settings.
Jealous? How about you hook this bad boy up, and hit the road, huh? Sure.
It'll just take a second.
- No sweat.
- Real men do sweat, pal-y.
Then they use the old sweat destroyer to get rid of the stench.
God, I wish I had a bidet.
Thank you for that image, Fred.
- Quick, put this on.
- Amaar, I won't be rushed.
This is complex work.
First I have to rinse this in cold water We don't have time! Sarah! What are you doing here? Mother-in-laws, they're just so OK, that's it.
This deal is off.
You are going to tell the truth, Amaar.
I don't care if I have to face that terrifying eaves trough by myself.
Fine.
Bit of a confession here, Fred.
You know your new shower? Well, I may not have Rayyan: Amaar? Are you OK? I heard shrieking from Oh, Mom.
Actually, it was me shrieking.
Unless, Amaar, you would rather she think it was you Anybody want to explain what's going on here, Or should I just start showering in a room full of people?! Oh, no, please don't.
OK.
OK, I've decided what happens to the loser.
What? - They get eaten by the winner.
- Ah, precisely! Ow! You haven't won yet! OK, look, I, uh, may have had some help fixing the shower.
And our sink.
And our fuse box.
- I knew it.
- "Help"? Really? Is that all? And by "help", I mean that I did nothing, and Sara did everything.
Although I did tell some pretty funny plumber butt jokes that she laughed at.
- Yeah, I was just being polite.
- So you lied to me, then? 'Cause I did ask you outright if you hired a contractor.
No, I did not lie.
You asked if I hired a handyman, and actually I hired a handywoman, and I'm a little disappointed you didn't leave it open to both genders.
- Oh, oh you're disappointed? - Honey, it's a tad sexist.
I mean, you're a doctor.
You should know better.
Amaar! OK, I'm sorry I misled everyone.
Frankly, I didn't buy it for a second.
I figured he hired a guy.
Yeah, I did too.
I just didn't figure the guy was my mom.
How did you learn how to do all this stuff? Well, I slept with a contractor for 31 years.
Hm.
It's pretty darned impressive, Sarah.
Well, thank you, Fred.
It's very nice to be appreciated.
- Did you see the work I did on your tiles? - Yeah, yeah, smooth.
Yeah, I brought in some magazines for ideas.
Ooh, you have got to check out the bidets.
Oh! Porcelain bliss.
Oh, no, no.
Please don't do that.
- Give up.
- Never.
You're a failure.
You need food.
I know you are, but what am I? I don't understand the question.
What question? I never asked a question.
Why don't I understand the question? Subhan'Allah I see a bright white light and, and a white man with a beard judging me.
Oh, no! This is it.
It's me.
You're looking at me.
- Oh.
- Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You're hallucinating! I declare myself the winner! Oh, Allah, have pity on my soul and empty tummy.
I just wish you would have told me outright that my mom did it, Because it is actually cool that she can do all this stuff.
No, I know, I wanted to tell you.
I was just waiting for the perfect moment.
- Oh, after I found out? - Preferably before that.
Ah.
My mom, she does good work.
Although this tile's a little crooked.
Yeah, I did that one.
Well, that I can believe.
Look, I think we should get out of here just before Fred - comes back with his robe.
- Or less.
So you both collapsed after a one day fast? - No, I believe it was two days.
- He couldn't take it.
He caved like a deck of cards.
- I won.
You passed out.
- No, you passed out.
- He passed out first.
- Emergency vehicles were called, and mine, might I add, got here much quicker.
- I won! - I won! You're both losers, and you need to re-hydrate.
Loser.
No, but seriously, we should re-hydrate.
Am I thinking what you're thinking? - Care to make this interesting? - Mmm - Go! - Wha? Aw! I want to be your morning man I want to be your evening guy Let me spin your dial, baby The man with the sexiest legs in radio.
Can I hear it, folks? One, two, three Ooh! Oh! Back to Rayyan's place.
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven