Lovejoy (1986) s06e03 Episode Script

(PHONE RINGS) Lovejoy Antiques.
Walter! Walter, what can I do for you? Yeah, that lowboy, what about it? No You're kidding?! Tinker, what are you doing here? You're just the person I need to talk to.
Do you want a lift? Listen, I'll tell you what you do.
You get an independent expert - get two independent experts if you like - and if they prove you right, then I'll honour it.
Yeah! Of course I will.
Lovejoy Antiques has its reputation to think of.
Thank you.
- Tinker! - Was it that side table? The George I date with the crossbanded walnut veneer? This is something else he screwed up? It's a marine chronometer, dated around1820.
French.
Breguet et Fils.
Between 15 and 20, Potter thinks.
The owner thinks three times as much.
Would you check it out for me? Proper fee, of course.
For you, Charlotte, I'll do it for love.
- Are you feeling all right, Tink? - Never better.
The auction's Monday week, so we need it catalogued by Friday.
It's in box 16, in the vaults.
Trust him with nothing, Charlotte.
Er, Tink! Remember that that Walter Vronk bought on good faith for two grand? It's got a false leg.
- That's impossible.
- My very words.
How on earth did we miss that? - Who's "we"? You missed it.
- It went past your eye too, Lovejoy! Yeah, it did, Lovejoy.
Don't mess me about.
Walter wants his money back and I haven't got it cos we spent it.
Excuse me, where are you going? To the lavatory! This isn't the first time this has happened, you know, Tink! What about that roll-top cabinet? Who saved our bacon on that one? - You did, Lovejoy.
- Thank you.
You've got your own beef.
Tell the lady, Beth.
He said he was going to take me to an art exhibition in Braintree.
Meet me at the bus station, he said.
He never showed.
Never showed.
Yeah.
It's not funny being at that bus station at seven o'clock at night.
- Did anything happen? - No, it didn't, but it could have.
Could have, you see? CHARLOTTE: We all make mistakes, Lovejoy, even the best of us.
Forgive and forget, eh, Charlotte? I'm sorry.
Can't afford that.
He's slipping.
(LOUD VOICE) I don't think I can carry him any more.
It's performance that counts these days.
I mean, ask any of the big boys.
Sotheby's, Christie's, Bonhams - they'll tell you.
It's "Time, gentlemen, please!" For the old-timers (TOILET FLUSHES) Oh, sorry, Tink.
- That was unnecessary, Lovejoy.
- What? Kick up the backside.
Always worked in the past.
Tink! Tinker! Tinker? - Which leg is it, Walter? - Well, it's one of these front ones This that one! - I don't think so, Walter.
- Look, Lovejoy, don't mess me about.
I've got two independent experts who say you've done me for two grand.
And I've got one very stroppy client.
- Back left, eh? - Mm-hmm.
Oh-oh Well (CLEARS HIS THROAT) it fooled both of us, didn't it? Well, I'm an honourable man.
I don't mind admitting a mistake, Walter.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to give you £800.
That's 1,200 short.
Yes, but let's discuss this, Walter.
One two three four This fooled not only you and me.
It fooled my expert as well.
- Who's that, then? Tinker Dill? - That's right.
Tinker Dill Six seven £800.
You know you can still shift this for 1,500.
That's a tidy little profit of 300, isn't it, Walter? That's not the point, Lovejoy, and you know it.
(GRAVEL CRUNCHES) Lovejoy, it's Tink! He's disappeared! I've been over to his caravan.
I couldn't get in.
- I don't think he's been there all night.
- Right, get in.
(CLEARS THROAT) Sorry about this, Walter.
(CHUCKLES) - It's family business.
- Hey, Lovejoy! Don't worry, Walter, I'll phone you.
Got your number.
And I've got your number, sunshine! Do you think we should break in? He might have left a note, or something.
A note? Yeah, he's been acting really strange lately, what with yesterday and everything.
What about yesterday? - Hmm? What about yesterday? - You bollocking him! I left it cos I thought he's bound to come back and finish it.
An' if he didn't, I thought it might be worth something in your trade, Lovejoy.
Tinker leaving a drink? A very unique item! - Did he come back? - No.
He sat over there, very sombre, said not a dickiebird to a single soul, then got up and went.
- I should check the hospitals.
- Oh, Beth, please! - The police! - Beth, don't panic! Lovejoy! What's going on? - Ah-hem! - I I thought she might help.
It don't look like he slept here, what with all this lot on the bed.
- Lovejoy, what are you looking for? - A note.
Beth seems to think there might be a note.
A note? - Oh, my God, you don't think? - No, I don't think.
He's split for a while.
He's on a bender.
He's on the scent of something.
What I do think is that we are invading somebody's privacy.
You bust the lock! All right, I'll fix the bloody lock.
Just let's get out of here, eh? - Who are these children? - Hmm? They obviously mean a lot to him.
And they're old.
Oh, look, do you think that's Tink as a little boy? What? Where was he from? Did you know his family? Has he got any brothers or sisters? Was he ever married? Which one of those questions would you like me to answer first, Charlotte? - You must know if he's had a wife or two.
- Why must I know?! Because you're his oldest friend.
- How long have you known him? - (SIGHS) What are you saying? All I'm saying is if I was as close as you and Tink, I'd have known his history.
I'd have been interested in his life.
Perhaps it's only girls who show an interest.
No, Beth, no.
Listen, some people chaps like to keep things private, like Tink.
I respected him for that.
Fine, OK.
Fine.
Forget it.
Are you blaming me for something, Charlotte? Sometimes, people chaps need to share things.
But they need a signal, otherwise they bottle it up.
And that can be sad.
That's all I'm saying.
"Bigbury-on-Sea.
"Well, here I am, Archie, and here I mean to stay.
Olive.
" Archie? You know someone really well, and all the time they're called Archie.
He doesn't even look like an Archie, does he? To me, he looks like a Tinker.
Always has, always will.
He was born in that beret.
Why didn't you talk to me, Tink? Where are you, eh? Where are you? (BUTTONS BEEP) (KNOCKING) - Any news of Tink? - No.
It's Lovejoy.
He's missing, too, now.
(GULLS CRY) MAN: What name, sir? Lovejoy.
So when did this Lovejoy go missing? No, no, no, Lovejoy's my name.
The name of the missing person is Dill, Tinker.
Dill, Tinker.
- Oh, he's a tinker? - No, no, that's his name.
Tinker.
Tailor, soldier, sailor.
"T Dill".
Are you a relative? No.
And he went missing when? Since yesterday morning, in Suffolk.
Suffolk? Well, you're in Devon now.
Yeah, I know that.
We think he's headed this way and he might be going under the name of Archie.
It might help if you could give us a description of Archie.
Oh, well, he's about he's about six foot, f full figure, probably wearing a green tweed suit with orange and brown checks in it, and a matching waistcoat, white shirt with purple and blue stripes, a pair of brown suede brogues, a gold Paisley handkerchief, a blue, red and purple bow tie and a black beret.
Black beret, coloured bow tie.
What? Did? And how old is this Little Lord Fauntleroy? Well, why didn't you say so? They passed through here last week.
"They"? The circus.
The clowns.
Mottram's Big Top.
I took my young nephew.
They don't have animals any more, but All right, all right.
I was never here.
You've never seen me before in your life.
Just point me in the direction of the nearest pub.
Well, now, which pub would you be talking about? (HUM OF CONVERSATION) Thank you.
(SIGHS WITH SATISFACTION) So where the hell have you been? God bless you, sir! And God bless the regiment.
He was a charitable gentleman.
He came in yesterday morning.
Or was it the afternoon? No, I wasn't here in the afternoon.
- Was I? - He just gave you his clothes? In that big cardboard box, he did.
- So what was he wearing? - Oh, a sort of cape.
It was black.
Could he have been a missionary? Or advertising something? Colonel Foley came in just after him.
- Didn't you, dear? - Yes.
What's more to the point, what am I going to wear? Do you see? Ah.
And who's going to pay for them? Sometimes they don't come ashore for days, the bodies.
There's a rip tide.
Perfect bugger, it is.
- Are you from the Daily Herald? - What?! They come 'ere sometimes, sniffing out the scandal.
(CACKLES) And sometimes they do get lucky.
(CHUCKLES) Scandal? Aye - that Edward, Prince of Wales, and the Wallis woman.
They got they.
And Agatha Christie.
It's Dill I'm after.
Archie Dill.
Oh, ah.
Long time back, 'tis that.
Long time.
You wants to be over there for that.
- The island? - Aye.
Is he in there? - Why not? - (BAGS THUMP) (HINGES SQUEAK) (FLOORBOARDS CREAK) (RATTLING ECHOES IN THE SILENCE) Tink? Got your clothes! "Captain Laura, spinster of this parish, died 1979 of a surfeit of gin.
" (CREAKING) (DOOR SLAMS) If you see Archie, tell him I've got his clothes.
- (SLAM!) - Don't you believe in 'em? He's fine, Beth.
There's absolutely no need to worry.
I know that.
They're probably at the pub having a roaring time.
Mmm.
Course they are.
Lovejoy's probably lost his phonecard.
All his small change.
The use of his fingers.
And any sense of responsibility to anyone else.
- As usual! - Mmm.
(METALLIC RATTLING) Ah, yes.
Good man.
Have you got it? Sorry? The Cock O' The North, man.
Gauge one.
2001! You are Sturridge from Portland? - Lovejoy from Suffolk.
- Lovejoy? From Suffolk? - We haven't met, sir.
- Oh.
Well, make yourself at ease, Sturridge You won't find a collection like this anywhere else in the world.
- What's your period? - I'm interested in all periods, sir.
You wouldn't have seen this chap about, would you? Roger! My wife, Olive.
Chap asking for Archie, dear.
Thought he was Sturridge.
He Oh, yes, he went for a walk at lunchtime.
Thank you.
You don't mind if I leave this stuff in reception, do you? No, not at all Roger, dear, there's somebody here wants to meet you.
What did you say your name was? Ikin, Mr Nettleton.
What an honour this is.
What a marvellous display! Might I show you my little treasure? What do you think of that, sir? Have you found Tinker yet, eh, whatever your name is? Punch.
Lead on.
Oh, excuse me So who is this Olive, eh? Old sweetheart? Ex-wife, now married to Roger? Ah, Tink What are you doing here? Raking up the past.
It'll end in tears.
Yes, yes.
LOVEJOY: Well, here I am, Archie, and here I mean to stay.
( MOUTH-ORGAN: There's No Place Like Home) Tink! Lovejoy, you really upset me.
You made me feel all washed-up.
Tink, I was just trying to gee you up.
I really did not mean to upset you.
The trouble is I think you might be right.
No, I'm not right at all.
Tinker I want to apologise.
I really did not mean to hurt your feelings.
OK? - So what brings you here? - The past.
My dear, I'd like you to meet Lovejoy.
Lovejoy, this is the owner of the hotel, Mrs Olive Nettleton.
- Olive - Is my sister.
How do you do, Lovejoy.
My brother's told me about you, of course.
I'm afraid we can't put you up in the hotel.
It's my husband's model train weekend and we're chock-a-block.
But you could always share with Archie in the staff house if you like.
But it's the size of a postage stamp! And it is a custom to wear a black tie for dinner.
Well, Archie, in all the years I've known you, you never, ever told me that you had a sister.
Well, Lovejoy, in all the years you've known me, you've never, ever asked.
Thank you, Michael.
- Put it on my tab, will you? - Yes, Major.
Ooh Right, Tink, do you want to tell me what's going on, huh? Well, it all begins with Olive.
Until yesterday, we hadn't seen each other for 20 years.
Looks like she's doing all right.
Appearances are deceptive, Lovejoy.
Roger and Olive are in hock up to the gills.
All these people staying at the hotel, they're all friends of Roger's.
And half of them won't put a hand in their pockets for the whole weekend.
Olive is in despair and the vultures are about to pick at the carcass.
- How much do they owe? - Between 30 and 40,000.
(WHISTLES) Well, I thought there must be something here.
It's great but it's all razzle, isn't it? Yes, but I thought with your eye and mine Tinker, I have work to do in Suffolk and so do you.
Suffolk can wait.
At the moment, my sole purpose is helping my sister.
Ahem I passed a pub on the way up here.
D'you um fancy a proper drink? We'll finish these first.
Another valuation, Ms Cavendish, why? I'm dreadfully sorry, Sir Ronald, but I had no idea you wanted to withdraw it from the auction.
I have a buyer flying in on Thursday.
Cavendish Auction Rooms will be delighted to pick up any expenses you incur.
Who's this valuer you've sent him to? Ah Can't you just pick up the phone? - Yes, but he won't be there.
- Oh? It wasn't the valuer who took it away.
It was a friend of my father's.
He thought he knew an expert in early 19th-century pieces.
- And where is he? - I'm not quite sure.
I allowed you to persuade me, against my wife's better judgment, to place my chronometer with you rather than a top London firm, because of your so-called personal service.
Yes, I know.
And I'm extremely grateful.
Gratitude is hardly the point at issue! And I don't know what kind of personal service you think this is.
I'm sure I can have the chronometer ready for him by Thursday, and I can arrange for accommodation at The Feathers if there's a delay.
Ms Cavendish, I took a risk with your firm because I liked you.
I do not like being disappointed.
Good day to you.
(PHONE RINGS) - LOVEJOY: Charlotte? - Lovejoy! Where the hell have you been? Have you any idea how concerned Beth and I are? I'm fine, Charlotte.
- And I've found him.
- Oh, thank God.
- Is he all right? Is he safe? - He's all right.
He's safe, he's just a bit rocky.
Rocky? What do you mean "rocky"? Well, he needs handling with care.
Oh, and I suppose you think you're the person to do that? Charlotte, will you let me do it my way? One step at a time.
Lovejoy, Tink's gone off with the key and I really need it now.
Have you heard anything? Tink, Tink, psst! Come here.
Hold on.
It's Charlotte.
It's something about a key, OK? Hello, Charlotte.
- Tinker! How are you feeling? - Better for seeing Lovejoy.
Yes You remember the key I gave you to box 16? The chronometer I wanted you to check for me.
It's 1826 and don't take less than 40.
Really?! Are you sure? Thanks.
Um look, I do need the key.
Um are you coming back? Tink? - Beth wants a word with you.
- I don't want to talk any more.
Tink, it's Beth.
Hold on, he's he's a bit edgy.
He sends his love, OK? He'll talk to you later, Beth.
Just give me back to Charlotte.
Lovejoy, look, I really need this bloody key! The owner's pulled the chronometer.
He's got a buyer from Hamburg.
I'm going to look pretty silly bursting into my own vaults.
Charlotte, I'll get you the key.
Oh, I'll have to come and get it.
I haven't got time for another cockup.
Well, you better know that we're in Bigbury-on-Sea, all right? Bigbury-On-Sea?! I think I met a ghost in this pub, Tink.
It was probably Tom Crocker, the smuggler.
In 1830 his nefarious deeds were brought to an end by an exciseman's bullet, under that very tree.
Shot by the VAT man?! MAN: Yeah, Tom Crocker.
They say he had a secret passage leading direct from his cave, where he kept the treasure, right into these very walls, where he spent the proceeds.
Treasure? Well, no-one ever found it.
They've been searching, though, 100 years or more.
You see there by the Major, just there.
There's a face.
You got it? Nose mouth see? - You got it? - Ye-es! That's old Tom.
- See his tricorn hat - Yeah.
just under the beam there and there's his eyes, ever on the lookout.
And it's all a load of rubbish.
Smugglers' tales invented by Roger's grandfather, Cuthbert, for the benefit of the tourists.
You can say that, Major, but old Punch won't piss against that tree outside.
Will you, boy? And no VAT man has dared show his face in here from that day to this.
- Look out, Tink - Ohh! Lovejoy, all the big bands played here, you know.
Geraldo, Harry Roy Charlie Coombes played here.
And all the flappers came down from London.
Can't you just see it? The Duke and Duchess of Windsor, Noel Coward and Agatha Christie.
Dame Agatha loved this place.
She said it inspired her! We will fight them tooth and claw to save Olive and our heritage! All for Olive, Tink.
Now what do you remember about a key, a chronometer and Charlotte? I remember everything, Lovejoy.
Stop treating me like an idiot.
Well, where is it? Well, how the hell would I know? I never had the thing! Worth nothing nothing.
Nothing.
There's a storeroom.
Morning.
The train buff.
What's he doing down here? So, what have we got? Hello, could this be a Chiparus? Mmm? Are we blessed or are we not, Tink? Twenty, twenty-five grand? I think nothing.
What are you talking about? It's got an onyx base.
Chipped left hand, reconstituted plastic.
Very skillfully done.
- Could've fooled most people.
- Didn't fool you, though, did it? Didn't fool you, either, did it? Tsk, Lovejoy! Welcome back, Tink.
You see, you didn't lose it.
You just misplaced it temporarily.
Let's see what else we've got here.
Bigbury God help me.
Tink's my friend, too.
Who's minding the shop? Oh, all right I hope you can map read.
- Here's your coffee, Lovejoy.
- Thank you, Olive.
Roger's grandfather Cuthbert.
He got it from HMS Ganges, the Navy's last sailing flagship, when she was broken up in 1936.
- Tell me more about Cuthbert.
- Oh, before my time, and a legend in his own time.
A great practical joker.
- He died a wealthy man.
- So they say.
We never saw a penny of it.
Anyway, Roger's father took over and he gave it to us in the '70s.
So, what are we to do about Archie? Oh, I'm sorry, Tinker.
- No, I like Archie.
- Archibald Bertram Devere - (LAUGHS) He hated it! - What was he like as a kid? God! He's talked to you about that, has he? No, he won't.
That's why I'm asking you.
Well Mother died young, leaving us with Father.
Soldier, scholar, poet and an alcoholic.
We lived in Salcombe, in chaos.
It made Archie into a rather serious boy.
I was the light-hearted one.
He was always criticising me for irresponsibility.
(KEY TURNING) He was awfully clever.
He could have been anything.
But there was no-one to listen to him, so he turned himself into an eccentric.
Mr Magelton, please Tell him it's John Ikin.
I became serious and I don't know, we just we lost each other.
That sketch of him you showed me, who did that? Beth.
A young girl who works with us.
- She caught him very well.
- Hmm.
- Has it been a wasted life? - It's the life he's suited for.
- Can I? - Mmm.
Thank you.
But he's running away from it, isn't he? No, Olive, he came down here to help you.
Just what the hell are you doing here?! - Staff.
- What? Officer IC memorabilia.
Major Dill.
I-I came for this Sorry to bother you.
Toodle-oo.
Oh, I'm sorry - Everything all right, sir? - Yes! - Lovejoy! Thank heaven! - Calm down.
Tell me quietly.
His name is Ikin.
He's in the Noel Coward Suite and he's working for somebody called Magelton.
- D'you know him? - No.
He's a local big cheese who buys and sells debts.
I heard them on the phone.
Ikin is here to make an inventory for him! - The old vultures, eh, Tink? - They're picking at the carcass! Olive told me the banks are foreclosing soon.
- If property speculators get in - They already have! Planning permission's been passed.
I've seen the paperwork! - That's him.
- Leave this to me, eh? Noel would be proud of you.
One of the prettiest little one gauge engines ever produced, don't you think? Yes, quite Yes, I quite agree with you.
Marvellous! How Bing was such a valuable guide to the authentic liveries of the time.
So valuable.
Marvellous, considering what I described was an engine built in 1909.
Even a novice would know this is the 1930s.
Would you step outside, Mr Ikin? - Who are you? - Sturridge, Security.
I'll make a note of that.
Well done.
- We know why you're here, Ikin.
- I am here at Mr Nettleton's invitation.
You're lying! Magelton, big cheese, wants to rip this place apart.
Well, one shouldn't wallow in the past, Mr Sturridge.
I'll give you 15 minutes to pack your bag and get off the island.
- And if I refuse? - I'll kick you off! You're dead, the lot of you! That was sweet of you, Lovejoy.
It's the band for tonight.
But there should be four of them.
It's meant to be a quartet.
(PLAYS PIANO SOLO) (BAND JOINS IN) I think you'll find they're waiting for you.
(LAUGHS) - Lovejoy! - Charlotte! Oh, you look absolutely marvellous! - Bigbury-on-Sea.
- Oh, yes.
(LAUGHS) Sounds like Enid Blyton.
Five Go Mad In Devon! You know this place, do you? Childhood memories, the beach I've never been here, though.
Olive, Charlotte Cavendish.
Olive Nettleton, the owner of this hotel.
- How do you do? - Hello, Charlotte.
Marvellous evening, Olive.
- Tinker's sister.
- What?! Mmm.
You do, you know.
You look absolutely fabulous Thank you.
There was no need of you to come all the way down here.
- You know why I'm here, Lovejoy? - Why? The key.
Oh, the key! Yes, the key.
Oh, God! - Don't say you've lost it! - No, of course I haven't.
- Come on.
- You have.
I just want you to see Tinker.
(APPLAUSE) As you see, Charlotte, the patient's doing rather well.
Mmm? Hello, Tinker.
Well, you've led us a merry dance, I must say.
I'm sorry.
I've been a bit off-colour.
You may have been off colour, but what about your friends? I've had Beth, who cares about you deeply, crying round at my place for two days.
You were doing a job for me.
You should have left a phone number.
I-I'm sorry, I know it was thoughtless of me.
We love you, Tink.
Now, what about this key? Where is it? Tink Dance, Charlotte I think.
- A very large gin.
- Tink! Oh, grief! The Harry Roy Band, the Prince of Wales Mrs Simpson.
- Flappers dancing in the moonlight.
- Hmm If you want a bed for the night, you'll have to kip with Tink and me.
I've got a suite.
Someone checked out this afternoon.
Oh, yes.
So he did.
Enjoy it while you can, Charlotte.
Soon the bulldozers.
Olive thinks he doesn't know.
Somewhere in this hotel, Tinker really believes there's something valuable.
I can't see it and I can't feel it.
Have you tried the Noel Coward suite? You know, Lovejoy, what you did for Tink I think it was wonderful.
Think nothing of it.
I'd like a bit more of that friendship.
You know? - Yeah.
- For us.
- Really? - Mmm.
- Plus the other thing.
- Whoops! (HE LAUGHS) I must have What? that - Mmm? bloody key! Charlotte, I'll get you the bloody key.
Now come here! (APPLAUSE FROM HOTEL) - Tom Crocker - Who? Tom Crocker! The VAT man shot him, but couldn't find his money - Who are you talking about? - Treasure hunt! You took on my education, Tink.
You can't ditch me now! You know, Beth, there comes a time in a man's life Ah-ah-ah-ah! Don't do that.
It won't do you any good.
So where have you hidden it, you old rogue, eh? Orange juice.
Jake what was it you said about that secret passage to Tom's cave? Many have tried, Lovejoy.
They say you come to a bad end if you get too close.
What's he looking at, eh? What's he trying to tell us, Tink? What's he laughing at? Private joke? Hey? JAKE: Flipped his lid, has he, your friend? He's looking over there.
Oh, right.
Mr Nettleton put that up.
Excuse me, Jake.
You don't want to let him know you're doin' that.
What are you expecting to find behind there? An old master? Maps of buried treasure? Jake It's all for the love of Olive.
Tink, get me a drink, will you? - Hey, what you goin' to do with that? - Nothing.
- Lovejoy! - Charlotte.
Hmm TINKER: It's another of Cuthbert's jokes.
Keepsakes, letters from customers.
- BETH: Cufflinks with NC on them.
- TINKER: Noel Coward.
I had a rather curious thank you note from Noel to Cuthbert.
CHARLOTTE: The first page of a novel by Agatha Christie.
TINKER: That's nice, but not enough to save Olive's bacon.
LOVEJOY: Um I think you should look at this, Archie.
- TINKER: 1920s Paris crystal! - CHARLOTTE: And read the label.
"Property of Mrs Wallis Simpson"! OLIVE: Didn't Mrs Simpson wear diamonds? Better than diamonds, Olive.
That stuff's worth a fortune these days.
I wonder how it got here.
Did she leave it in the hotel safe? Perhaps Cuthbert relieved her of it.
In any event, I shall take it to Suffolk and get you the best price.
And don't you sign anything until he does.
(QUIETLY) He's still the best, Olive.
Tink time to go.
It's been wonderful to see you again, old bean.
Oh, Archie I'll come and see you off.
Roger Oh, are you just off Sturridge? Well, next year, maybe Archie! The silly old buffer! He's gone and sold his train set.
£15,000.
He said it was for the disaster fund.
Fair price, Olive.
- Goodbye, my dear.
- Goodbye.
CHARLOTTE: Now, Tink, the key.
Where is it? Nice place for a bit of nookie, eh, Charlotte? - Nice work if you can get it.
- You can get it if you try, Beth.
TINKER: There's always a silver lining, you know, Beth ALL TOGETHER: Lining! You're dead, the lot of you!