Malcolm in the Middle s06e03 Episode Script
Standee
Dewey, could you reach in my sock drawer and get me a pair of socks? OK.
Not that one.
On top.
Not on the top of the dresser.
Right in front of you, the sock drawer.
It's your sock drawer.
Go next to it.
On the other side.
Not behind the dresser.
All you to do is reaching into my drawer and So stupid, Dewey.
Special thanks to @DBfansub After two months of unemployment, Mom went to Lucky Aide and begged for her job back.
They finally let her come back as a probationary employee.
It just goes to show you, Malcolm.
If you want to wear the smock, you can't be afraid to humble yourself.
I'd forgotten how well this hangs.
Honey? I've got a surprise! Oh, we're running late, Hal.
I can't be late while I'm still on probation at the store.
This is worth it! Ta-da! It's a cat habitat.
You know how you're always saying there's no reason for us to get a cat? Well, now there is one! It's got a tetherball, two main decks, an activity centre and a crow's nest to look out for other cats.
I call it, Cat-Man-Do.
Like every idea she has is so great! Do you think it's going to snow? Don't be silly.
It hasn't snowed in a year and a half.
That could change.
We could have a snow day any day now.
I deserve a snow day! The whole neighbourhood's going to see this thing in our trash, and know your mother is nuts! It's awfully big.
Do you think the trash man's going to take this? Oh, he'll take it.
That's why I'm leaving him a six pack.
You're the only thing I've ever been proud of.
Come on, Dewey.
Didn't you used to work here a couple of months ago? Oh, yeah.
I practically ran this place for about twelve years.
If anything, I still hold the record.
Lois! Mr Crechale said probationary employees have to wear the pin.
It's so big.
I've been on probation lots of times, Lois.
You can choose not to feel humiliated.
They're just trying to break your spirit with the pin, and the drug test, and those draconian hygiene checks.
I suggest for the next two weeks, you wash your hands after using the bathroom, just in case.
Oh, by the way, they changed the codes.
The Women's Room isn't Oh, and if you ever need the Men's, don't try 876466, it's 459929.
Damn it.
Overring on Two.
I'm sure you're good at lots of things.
What is this? It's the new ad campaign for Smooth Malt Liquor.
You don't find this offensive?! Why? It's a black janitor with a mop and a six pack of Malt Liquor in his hand.
I don't know that he's the janitor, maybe he just spilled something.
His name is Slappy?! A delightful throwback to a simpler time.
Well, I'm getting rid of it.
If you get caught, I don't know about this.
And I'd loved to have been called Slappy growing up! The Trash Man didn't take it?! Nope.
Where's the beer? Oh, he took that.
He drank one and poured the rest into his thermos.
And he left this here to mock me.
Maybe we can chop it up.
No! Dewey, we are not accommodating him.
I did not pour my heart and soul into this thing so that the Trash Man could refuse to take it away.
There are principles that need to Shoo! Get out of there! This society is falling to pieces.
What are you doing? We had to replace the one that was stolen last week.
I think Craig took it so he can use the car pool late.
Craig didn't take it.
I took it, and put it in the trunk of my car.
Mom, what are you doing? You're on probation.
This is completely racially insensitive, it has no place in this store.
But Mr Crechale told me to put it up.
Well, I'm telling you to take it down.
I can't do that.
You're not my boss here, Mr Crechale is.
Mr Crechale didn't tear three inches getting you out of him.
Now, are you going to take this down or not? No.
She isn't coming after me, is she? Excuse me! Excuse me! - Yeah? - I don't know if you remember, I put this cat habitat out last week.
Yeah, I can't take that.
It's too big.
But, you took the six pack that I left you.
You must have known it was an advance thank you.
Actually, I thought it was an overdue apology.
Apology? Why would this family give you an apology? Because you people are pigs! You don't even use half the stuff you throw out.
And nine months after your wife leaves three Birth Control pills in the pack, here comes the disposable diapers again.
Talk about screwed up priorities! You guys buy those generic diapers that break apart in the can, and yet I notice someone could afford a Toblerone every Friday! Hey buddy, this family's trash is none of your business! You know what? Let's start again.
There's no reason we can't be civil.
Now, you have a hard job.
It's a job I respect.
Hey, Oscar.
Here's your lunch.
All high mighty for a trash guy.
Oops.
Overring on Two.
What's that?! Mmm? I threw that picture away! Oh, we still have a negative.
It reminds me of the old you.
Back when you still knew right from wrong.
Just because I'm not doing what you want, doesn't mean you get to humiliate me! Humiliate you? You mean there's an offensive image on display in the store? My son used to love to play dress-up just like that.
Give him a call.
Take that down! Gee, I'm not doing what you want.
You're not doing what I want.
Maybe we should bring Mr Crechale into this, since he's the only one whose opinion you seem to care about.
"No employee may display personal items in his or her workspace.
" Don't worry, Mom.
It only added a day to your probation.
I'm sorry, God.
You're against the rules here.
I don't know who I am any more.
Now, that's in the name of that dude.
I have to admit, I didn't see this coming.
Well, the Sanitation Department claims that the trash man has an airtight alibi for last night.
If I want to haul this stuff away myself, I need $1,200 for a 19 ton truck, and a classified sanitation license, which I'm pretty sure I don't have.
Honey, I don't want you to worry about this.
I will get rid of this crud, no matter how long it takes.
Hey! What makes you think that's ok?! Honey, I am not going to tell you that this is ideal.
But if we refuse to fight this fight, then we're really living in garbage.
Garbage of the spirit! And that's got to be the worst kind.
Now, I feel sorry for our neighbours with no garbage on their lawn, but we don't want to sound too superior, everyone's doing the best they can.
You know Lois, there are things I don't say, like none of this would have happened if you'd let us have a cat! Can you believe some of the stuff people throw out? Did you shut the door, tape the cracks and spray? You know, if you just dive in, you get used to it.
How am I supposed to tell if the milk is bad? Everything in this house smells the same.
Principles don't always smell like roses, boys.
We are in this temporary situation because this family stands for something.
I expect a little stoicism around here.
Oh, I'll be stoic, Dad.
Until the massive pile of trash we're living in starts to decompose, and the maggots start fighting with the cockroaches about who gets to eat the rats' faecal matter, and then you're going to hear some complaining from me.
I think we've got a leak in here.
Reese, check the windows.
Oh, I didn't think I'd make it.
On the table.
Hey, Craig.
Ready to go.
Craig's driving you? Yeah.
You can take the car.
But we can just go together.
Could we? Huh.
You've been so intent and acting like we weren't in the same family.
No, that's not what I've been doing! I'm just mature enough to draw out a station between what goes on at home and what we have to do at work.
Oh, I see.
So it's ok to sell out your principles as long as long as you're doing it for money.
Yes, Mom! Big money! I've thrown away all my morale and agree to go to hell for $6.
25 an hour! You know that sign is a bigoted image, Malcolm.
It's not that bad.
It's a picture of a man with a mop and a beer.
People who mop drink beer.
People who drink beer mop.
Oh, Slappy? He's amazing.
He's tripled our Smooth Malt Liquor sales.
I can't believe I've raised a son who is so insensitive to things that really matter If I'm insensitive, I got that way by watching you! Both of you, stop it! You're making this place unliveable! Let's go, Craig.
I think it's nice when someone does a little something extra for Poker Night.
I mean, a six tonne pile of trash? You really know how to make a guy feels pleasure.
You know the smell around here actually makes Hal's dip tastes good.
Man, who dump me this hand, I'm throwing it out on the front yard.
Guys, I really don't know what I'm going to do.
I mean, if I give up now, what kind of example does that set for my boys? Yeah, that's a tough one, Hal.
A man keeps chipping away at his authority.
The next thing you know, he's not the king of his own massive pile of garbage.
Come on, guys.
Hal's suffering.
We really should be more sensitive No, wait, I got one.
I see my favourite band out there, A Flock of Seagulls! Oh, man! If anyone looks at my cards, I'll be able to tell.
What the hell are you doing?! I just thought I'd show this to the guys.
You can explain why you've been fighting to keep this up at the store.
I wasn't fighting for it, I was just told to put it up by my boss.
You also added very vehemently that, "it's not so bad".
Maybe you can explain to everyone here why this isn't racist.
First we picked the cotton, then we had to solve them moral dilemmas.
It's probably the saddest sight of all when racism impacts on white people.
Oh, how many white mothers and sons must be torn in a sudden before we learned all this? It's bad enough we have to watch them dancing in their weddings? Jagging their flat ass Will you stop it? I need your help! This is a completely offensive false image of African-American men! You know what's really bothering you? You don't think I'm prejudist.
You're just mad that at work I don't have to obey you.
And now that I'm getting older, you're losing more and more control over me every day.
You can't stand that soon I'll be free! He has a dream! Sing it, my brother! Should we talk about what's really bothering you? It's that you know I'm right! You do have a code of ethics that you're trying to deny! What do you know about ethics? Bringing this in here to embarrass me in front of Dad's friends?! Did I tell Dad how you said that sooner or later he'll realize he'll look ridiculous, and quit this stupid fight with the trash man?! Did I?! No! Because, no matter how mad I get, I always treat you with some level of decency! I'll realize I look ridiculous.
Hal, that's not the point! Stop this! Just stop! What do we need to fight for? It's a nice night.
We came here to play cards.
Can we just play cards? Why, what have you got? Nothing.
Dad? Dewey?! Dad? Dewey? Dewey, where are you? I don't know! My garbage port collapsed.
Can you breathe? Yes.
But I don't want to! Just keep digging until you reach daylight.
Hey.
I got your note.
I need some help with this, I am in over my head.
You did the right thing coming to me.
Your mother can never know! It's not a problem.
There's a way to solve this little trash dilemma, but I need to know that you'll go all the way.
You have to want it bad.
The fact that I came to you should prove how desperate I am.
Good enough.
From here, there's no turning back.
We can implement my plan tonight.
Meet me back here at exactly six o'clock.
That's in twenty minutes.
Do you want to go now? OK.
It's not stealing, it's just borrowing.
Not stealing, just borrowing.
First we pick up all the trash from our lawn.
Then we top it off with a little medical waste, and we pay a visit to a certain garbage man.
And those guard dogs are going to be ok? No one gets pain.
They may have a slight headache.
Son, if you could just apply this kind of focus and determination to your school work Oh, that ship has sailed.
Only six more hours until that pin comes off! The last six hours of probation are what I call 'The Danger Zone'.
Your eyes are so focused on the finish line, you don't even realize your hands are stuffing your pockets full of trail mix.
Damn it, Craig.
Do you believe in right and wrong? I'm not sure I follow.
Let's just say there's something you have to do, and you've been hoping someone else would do it.
But you've gradually realized you have to do it yourself, even if it breaks the rules.
Dear God, I thought I'd lost my chance years ago! Huh? Let's just get in the car and drive.
You don't have to pack, I have clothes for you in the trunk.
Oh, for the love of God.
Thank the Lord you're getting rid of that thing! Oh, Shirley, I had to.
I just couldn't stand it any longer.
Oh, believe me, I know.
Ever since that thing went up, I swear we've had so many more black people in here.
What?! That is not our clientele.
We just don't have the personnel to follow them around.
Thank you, Lois.
What are you doing? I'm putting this back.
Really? You know I've always believed in admitting when I was wrong, but there were things about this I hadn't considered.
Maybe I was too focused on controlling you.
The point is, I want this to stay.
This has to stay! Wow! Now all I want to do is take it down.
I mean, look at this thing! It's horribly offensive! What year are we living in, his name is Slappy for God's sakes! If I take it down now, she'll think I'm only doing it to be contrary.
Am I only doing it to be contrary? No.
I really am offended by this.
These are my true feelings which I wasn't able to have before, because I was being contrary.
Unless, it's the opposite of that.
Ok, I am definitely taking this down, while I'm walking away and leaving it here while I pretend to do nothing and figure out what to do.
Ok, go ahead.
Reese, what are you doing?! Come on! Dad, I followed a possum that led me out! Dewey, not now! This is Daddy's time with Reese.
Are you sure this is a good idea? Dewey, I don't need you talking sense to me right now! Reese, what's going on? What good is running going to do? We live here! Nice try, little boy! If I leave it up, Mom gets what she wants.
If I take it down, Mom still has hooks on me which is what she really wants.
No matter what I decide wait a minute, I don't have to decide.
I can leave it to chance.
Heads, I take it down.
Tails, I'll leave it up.
I'm not listening to my Mom any more.
From now on, I'm listening to you.
I'm so glad you like the fillet.
It really brings out the finish in the wine.
So, we'll be taking away three bags today? Two.
Of course, two.
Not that one.
On top.
Not on the top of the dresser.
Right in front of you, the sock drawer.
It's your sock drawer.
Go next to it.
On the other side.
Not behind the dresser.
All you to do is reaching into my drawer and So stupid, Dewey.
Special thanks to @DBfansub After two months of unemployment, Mom went to Lucky Aide and begged for her job back.
They finally let her come back as a probationary employee.
It just goes to show you, Malcolm.
If you want to wear the smock, you can't be afraid to humble yourself.
I'd forgotten how well this hangs.
Honey? I've got a surprise! Oh, we're running late, Hal.
I can't be late while I'm still on probation at the store.
This is worth it! Ta-da! It's a cat habitat.
You know how you're always saying there's no reason for us to get a cat? Well, now there is one! It's got a tetherball, two main decks, an activity centre and a crow's nest to look out for other cats.
I call it, Cat-Man-Do.
Like every idea she has is so great! Do you think it's going to snow? Don't be silly.
It hasn't snowed in a year and a half.
That could change.
We could have a snow day any day now.
I deserve a snow day! The whole neighbourhood's going to see this thing in our trash, and know your mother is nuts! It's awfully big.
Do you think the trash man's going to take this? Oh, he'll take it.
That's why I'm leaving him a six pack.
You're the only thing I've ever been proud of.
Come on, Dewey.
Didn't you used to work here a couple of months ago? Oh, yeah.
I practically ran this place for about twelve years.
If anything, I still hold the record.
Lois! Mr Crechale said probationary employees have to wear the pin.
It's so big.
I've been on probation lots of times, Lois.
You can choose not to feel humiliated.
They're just trying to break your spirit with the pin, and the drug test, and those draconian hygiene checks.
I suggest for the next two weeks, you wash your hands after using the bathroom, just in case.
Oh, by the way, they changed the codes.
The Women's Room isn't Oh, and if you ever need the Men's, don't try 876466, it's 459929.
Damn it.
Overring on Two.
I'm sure you're good at lots of things.
What is this? It's the new ad campaign for Smooth Malt Liquor.
You don't find this offensive?! Why? It's a black janitor with a mop and a six pack of Malt Liquor in his hand.
I don't know that he's the janitor, maybe he just spilled something.
His name is Slappy?! A delightful throwback to a simpler time.
Well, I'm getting rid of it.
If you get caught, I don't know about this.
And I'd loved to have been called Slappy growing up! The Trash Man didn't take it?! Nope.
Where's the beer? Oh, he took that.
He drank one and poured the rest into his thermos.
And he left this here to mock me.
Maybe we can chop it up.
No! Dewey, we are not accommodating him.
I did not pour my heart and soul into this thing so that the Trash Man could refuse to take it away.
There are principles that need to Shoo! Get out of there! This society is falling to pieces.
What are you doing? We had to replace the one that was stolen last week.
I think Craig took it so he can use the car pool late.
Craig didn't take it.
I took it, and put it in the trunk of my car.
Mom, what are you doing? You're on probation.
This is completely racially insensitive, it has no place in this store.
But Mr Crechale told me to put it up.
Well, I'm telling you to take it down.
I can't do that.
You're not my boss here, Mr Crechale is.
Mr Crechale didn't tear three inches getting you out of him.
Now, are you going to take this down or not? No.
She isn't coming after me, is she? Excuse me! Excuse me! - Yeah? - I don't know if you remember, I put this cat habitat out last week.
Yeah, I can't take that.
It's too big.
But, you took the six pack that I left you.
You must have known it was an advance thank you.
Actually, I thought it was an overdue apology.
Apology? Why would this family give you an apology? Because you people are pigs! You don't even use half the stuff you throw out.
And nine months after your wife leaves three Birth Control pills in the pack, here comes the disposable diapers again.
Talk about screwed up priorities! You guys buy those generic diapers that break apart in the can, and yet I notice someone could afford a Toblerone every Friday! Hey buddy, this family's trash is none of your business! You know what? Let's start again.
There's no reason we can't be civil.
Now, you have a hard job.
It's a job I respect.
Hey, Oscar.
Here's your lunch.
All high mighty for a trash guy.
Oops.
Overring on Two.
What's that?! Mmm? I threw that picture away! Oh, we still have a negative.
It reminds me of the old you.
Back when you still knew right from wrong.
Just because I'm not doing what you want, doesn't mean you get to humiliate me! Humiliate you? You mean there's an offensive image on display in the store? My son used to love to play dress-up just like that.
Give him a call.
Take that down! Gee, I'm not doing what you want.
You're not doing what I want.
Maybe we should bring Mr Crechale into this, since he's the only one whose opinion you seem to care about.
"No employee may display personal items in his or her workspace.
" Don't worry, Mom.
It only added a day to your probation.
I'm sorry, God.
You're against the rules here.
I don't know who I am any more.
Now, that's in the name of that dude.
I have to admit, I didn't see this coming.
Well, the Sanitation Department claims that the trash man has an airtight alibi for last night.
If I want to haul this stuff away myself, I need $1,200 for a 19 ton truck, and a classified sanitation license, which I'm pretty sure I don't have.
Honey, I don't want you to worry about this.
I will get rid of this crud, no matter how long it takes.
Hey! What makes you think that's ok?! Honey, I am not going to tell you that this is ideal.
But if we refuse to fight this fight, then we're really living in garbage.
Garbage of the spirit! And that's got to be the worst kind.
Now, I feel sorry for our neighbours with no garbage on their lawn, but we don't want to sound too superior, everyone's doing the best they can.
You know Lois, there are things I don't say, like none of this would have happened if you'd let us have a cat! Can you believe some of the stuff people throw out? Did you shut the door, tape the cracks and spray? You know, if you just dive in, you get used to it.
How am I supposed to tell if the milk is bad? Everything in this house smells the same.
Principles don't always smell like roses, boys.
We are in this temporary situation because this family stands for something.
I expect a little stoicism around here.
Oh, I'll be stoic, Dad.
Until the massive pile of trash we're living in starts to decompose, and the maggots start fighting with the cockroaches about who gets to eat the rats' faecal matter, and then you're going to hear some complaining from me.
I think we've got a leak in here.
Reese, check the windows.
Oh, I didn't think I'd make it.
On the table.
Hey, Craig.
Ready to go.
Craig's driving you? Yeah.
You can take the car.
But we can just go together.
Could we? Huh.
You've been so intent and acting like we weren't in the same family.
No, that's not what I've been doing! I'm just mature enough to draw out a station between what goes on at home and what we have to do at work.
Oh, I see.
So it's ok to sell out your principles as long as long as you're doing it for money.
Yes, Mom! Big money! I've thrown away all my morale and agree to go to hell for $6.
25 an hour! You know that sign is a bigoted image, Malcolm.
It's not that bad.
It's a picture of a man with a mop and a beer.
People who mop drink beer.
People who drink beer mop.
Oh, Slappy? He's amazing.
He's tripled our Smooth Malt Liquor sales.
I can't believe I've raised a son who is so insensitive to things that really matter If I'm insensitive, I got that way by watching you! Both of you, stop it! You're making this place unliveable! Let's go, Craig.
I think it's nice when someone does a little something extra for Poker Night.
I mean, a six tonne pile of trash? You really know how to make a guy feels pleasure.
You know the smell around here actually makes Hal's dip tastes good.
Man, who dump me this hand, I'm throwing it out on the front yard.
Guys, I really don't know what I'm going to do.
I mean, if I give up now, what kind of example does that set for my boys? Yeah, that's a tough one, Hal.
A man keeps chipping away at his authority.
The next thing you know, he's not the king of his own massive pile of garbage.
Come on, guys.
Hal's suffering.
We really should be more sensitive No, wait, I got one.
I see my favourite band out there, A Flock of Seagulls! Oh, man! If anyone looks at my cards, I'll be able to tell.
What the hell are you doing?! I just thought I'd show this to the guys.
You can explain why you've been fighting to keep this up at the store.
I wasn't fighting for it, I was just told to put it up by my boss.
You also added very vehemently that, "it's not so bad".
Maybe you can explain to everyone here why this isn't racist.
First we picked the cotton, then we had to solve them moral dilemmas.
It's probably the saddest sight of all when racism impacts on white people.
Oh, how many white mothers and sons must be torn in a sudden before we learned all this? It's bad enough we have to watch them dancing in their weddings? Jagging their flat ass Will you stop it? I need your help! This is a completely offensive false image of African-American men! You know what's really bothering you? You don't think I'm prejudist.
You're just mad that at work I don't have to obey you.
And now that I'm getting older, you're losing more and more control over me every day.
You can't stand that soon I'll be free! He has a dream! Sing it, my brother! Should we talk about what's really bothering you? It's that you know I'm right! You do have a code of ethics that you're trying to deny! What do you know about ethics? Bringing this in here to embarrass me in front of Dad's friends?! Did I tell Dad how you said that sooner or later he'll realize he'll look ridiculous, and quit this stupid fight with the trash man?! Did I?! No! Because, no matter how mad I get, I always treat you with some level of decency! I'll realize I look ridiculous.
Hal, that's not the point! Stop this! Just stop! What do we need to fight for? It's a nice night.
We came here to play cards.
Can we just play cards? Why, what have you got? Nothing.
Dad? Dewey?! Dad? Dewey? Dewey, where are you? I don't know! My garbage port collapsed.
Can you breathe? Yes.
But I don't want to! Just keep digging until you reach daylight.
Hey.
I got your note.
I need some help with this, I am in over my head.
You did the right thing coming to me.
Your mother can never know! It's not a problem.
There's a way to solve this little trash dilemma, but I need to know that you'll go all the way.
You have to want it bad.
The fact that I came to you should prove how desperate I am.
Good enough.
From here, there's no turning back.
We can implement my plan tonight.
Meet me back here at exactly six o'clock.
That's in twenty minutes.
Do you want to go now? OK.
It's not stealing, it's just borrowing.
Not stealing, just borrowing.
First we pick up all the trash from our lawn.
Then we top it off with a little medical waste, and we pay a visit to a certain garbage man.
And those guard dogs are going to be ok? No one gets pain.
They may have a slight headache.
Son, if you could just apply this kind of focus and determination to your school work Oh, that ship has sailed.
Only six more hours until that pin comes off! The last six hours of probation are what I call 'The Danger Zone'.
Your eyes are so focused on the finish line, you don't even realize your hands are stuffing your pockets full of trail mix.
Damn it, Craig.
Do you believe in right and wrong? I'm not sure I follow.
Let's just say there's something you have to do, and you've been hoping someone else would do it.
But you've gradually realized you have to do it yourself, even if it breaks the rules.
Dear God, I thought I'd lost my chance years ago! Huh? Let's just get in the car and drive.
You don't have to pack, I have clothes for you in the trunk.
Oh, for the love of God.
Thank the Lord you're getting rid of that thing! Oh, Shirley, I had to.
I just couldn't stand it any longer.
Oh, believe me, I know.
Ever since that thing went up, I swear we've had so many more black people in here.
What?! That is not our clientele.
We just don't have the personnel to follow them around.
Thank you, Lois.
What are you doing? I'm putting this back.
Really? You know I've always believed in admitting when I was wrong, but there were things about this I hadn't considered.
Maybe I was too focused on controlling you.
The point is, I want this to stay.
This has to stay! Wow! Now all I want to do is take it down.
I mean, look at this thing! It's horribly offensive! What year are we living in, his name is Slappy for God's sakes! If I take it down now, she'll think I'm only doing it to be contrary.
Am I only doing it to be contrary? No.
I really am offended by this.
These are my true feelings which I wasn't able to have before, because I was being contrary.
Unless, it's the opposite of that.
Ok, I am definitely taking this down, while I'm walking away and leaving it here while I pretend to do nothing and figure out what to do.
Ok, go ahead.
Reese, what are you doing?! Come on! Dad, I followed a possum that led me out! Dewey, not now! This is Daddy's time with Reese.
Are you sure this is a good idea? Dewey, I don't need you talking sense to me right now! Reese, what's going on? What good is running going to do? We live here! Nice try, little boy! If I leave it up, Mom gets what she wants.
If I take it down, Mom still has hooks on me which is what she really wants.
No matter what I decide wait a minute, I don't have to decide.
I can leave it to chance.
Heads, I take it down.
Tails, I'll leave it up.
I'm not listening to my Mom any more.
From now on, I'm listening to you.
I'm so glad you like the fillet.
It really brings out the finish in the wine.
So, we'll be taking away three bags today? Two.
Of course, two.