Not Going Out (2006) s06e03 Episode Script
Therapy
Is Lucy in? She's at school.
It's night school.
Does she wear a uniform? She does now.
What's she studying? She won't tell me.
Oh, why not? She thinks I'll take the mickey.
Would you? I'm offended you even have to ask.
Of course I would.
Anyway, I just popped round to borrow something from your kitchen.
Again? Well, I don't all have the latest fancy gadgets like you and Lucy, do I? All right, what do you want? A teaspoon.
Oh, and an egg, as well, please.
Is this for some sort of athletics event? It's for a recipe.
You know how it is - half way through before I realised I needed an egg.
What exactly is this recipe? Do you need an egg-cup, as well? Yeah.
Oh, here she is.
Educating Rita.
I think its great Lucy that you're going back to school in the evenings.
In my day that was called detention.
I'm amazed you went to school at all, Lee.
I thought you spent most days out on the moors with your kestrel.
It was Tennent's super strength actually.
Come on.
Just tell me, what are you studying? OK, I've got nothing to be embarrassed about.
I have been doing a training course in counselling.
Happy? I think you need to work on your technique.
You see this is why I didn't tell you about it.
If only you could get qualifications in sarcasm, eh, Lee? You can - mock GCSEs.
I knew you'd be uncomfortable with this.
I'm fine with it, just don't start analysing me.
If you want to study the unconscious mind, use Daisy.
I don't mind.
I had to go and see a counsellor very recently, actually.
Oh.
Do you mind me asking what kind? What do you mean? Well, was it a family counsellor, or a grief counsellor? Liberal Democrat, I think.
I thought you meant one that worked in mental health.
Well, he did end up telling me I was insane.
I still don't see why you can't recycle a dead cat.
I'm doing the psychotherapy type of counselling.
But it's only a night class.
I haven't turned into some kind of headshrinker.
If you ever want to deny that you're a nymphomaniac, promise you'll speak to me first.
Be careful, I've just bought it.
It's an antique phrenology head.
Years ago psychologists thought you could tell someone's personality from reading their skull.
I think that's right.
You can tell a lot about someone's personality if they write all over their skull.
Come on, Lucy, why are you really doing all this therapy stuff? I don't know, self-exploration.
The chance to discover something interesting.
Personal growth.
You should try it.
What, explore myself until I find an interesting personal growth? Therapy provides a release of emotion that can be refreshing and invigorating.
You make it sound like a shower gel.
Interesting comparison.
You're very much the kind of person who treats his emotion like you treat your shower gel.
You keep it bottled up and never let it out.
If you insist on buying shower gel called Spring Meadow, you can't expect me to use it out of season.
Come on Lucy, what's this really about? Look, at work all I basically do is try to get as much money out of people as possible.
So I decided I wanted to do something where I can use compassion and understanding as a way to Get as much money out of people as possible.
What? Come on.
I know how it works.
"Sit down, tell me about your dreams.
"Well, doctor, I keep dreaming I'm back at school, but teachers are horses and the nit nurse tries to poke me eye out with a lollipop.
" "Oh, that is simple, the lollipop's your penis "and the horses are a manly urge to sleep with your grandfather.
"Oh, that will be £200, please.
" Listen, you repressed Northern twat, instead of taking the piss out of me, perhaps you should be more introspective yourself.
That way you might work out why you can't do the basics in life - like forming a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex, you self-obsessed, emotionally retarded, egotistical bell-end.
Well, you're right doctor, it works, I'm certainly feeling better about meself.
Why am I so big and strong and you're so small and weak? I've been ill.
Oh! Blimey.
That was close.
Did you hear that? Lucy reckons that I can't have relationships.
What? That's totally ridiculous.
Thanks.
You're a grown man.
You can do whatever you like.
No, she means I'm not capable of having relationships.
Oh, yeah, that's a fair point.
See, you're just not a people-person.
And a lot of women like a man that is a people-person.
Like Lucy.
She's a people-person person.
And a people-person person tends to prefer other people-person people.
How do you think she feel about pheasant pluckers? Well, if you want to be Lucy's pheasant plucker, maybe you should stop mocking her therapy course.
Who says I want to be Lucy's pheasant plucker? For all you know I might have my eye on somebody else.
Like who? A girl called Suzie, she sits in a shoe shine shop.
What are you reading? The Interpretation of Dreams.
Oh, yeah, Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis who discovered theories such as the Oedipus complex, based on the dynamic repression of feelings a son has towards his mother especially during psychosexual development.
Somebody's been on Wikipedia.
Well, you know, what it's like.
You type in MILF, and one page leads to another.
Do you want me to test you? You do that most days.
I said "test", not "arouse".
Come on, I'll pretend I've got a psychological condition, and you've gotta guess what it is.
So for example, if I said, "Help! I'm scared to go out!" That would be arachnophobia.
No, it wouldn't.
Yes, it would.
I'm scared of going out with spiders.
OK, we'll start with an easy one.
Ohhh haven't slept for weeks! Insomnia.
No.
What then? Insomnia.
I just said insomnia.
Yeah, but I'm also in denial.
Right, here's your next one - "Help, I'm scared to go out.
" You've already done that one.
Amnesia.
I keep falling asleep at the wheel.
Narcolepsy.
Alcoholism.
Right, come on it's your turn.
Can you please sod off? Extremely mild Tourette's Syndrome.
I'm serious, Lee.
I've got loads of course work to do.
All right, you can practise on me.
What? I'll be your patient.
You can analyse me.
Lee, I've had a few lessons and read half a textbook.
Perhaps you should dive in at the deep end.
If you're the metaphorical swimming pool, trust me you're not the deep end.
Yeah, and I'm not the shallow end either.
No, I was thinking more that foot bath they have to stop verrucas.
Come on, you're the one that said I'd problems forming relationships.
Help me out.
So what do you want to talk about? Anything you like.
Doesn't bother me.
I'm fine.
Why do you say you're fine? Because I am.
Everything's hunky dory.
Why use that phrase - "hunky dory"? This is bollocks, this.
You're just repeating everything back as a question.
Next time I want help, I might just shout me problems into a big cave.
And don't tell me - you want to know why I used the phrase "big cave".
You probably think it represents something, don't you? Like part of woman's body.
That's why I fear relationships.
I'm scared of the vagina.
I probably dreamt as a kid that it had teeth and if you went any Please stop me.
Lee, I'm a beginner.
Help me out a bit here.
OK.
I'm here because my landlady thinks I have a problem forming close personal relationships.
And why do you think you have problem forming close personal relationships? I don't.
It's just what my landlady thinks.
Is this the same landlady who thinks you never clean the kitchen sink and are always weeing on the bathroom floor? Yep, that's the heartless bitch.
And is she right about those things? Yes, but I've got a solution that will kill two birds with one stone.
I'm going to start weeing in the kitchen sink.
Well, if she's right about those things, maybe she's right about you not being able to form close personal relationships.
OK.
How about sex? Shall we finish the session first? Perhaps you should tell me about your earliest sexual experience.
Oh, you are loving this, aren't you? And what did she say? I'm guessing "no".
Come on Lee, I'm only saying this because I think it might be relevant.
So I'll ask you again - tell me about you earliest sexual experience.
Before I got up this morning, I had a quick Not today! I mean your earliest ever sexual experience.
I remember when I was very young, finding my mum and dad having sex in my bed.
What did you do? Turned over and tried to go back to sleep.
What are you writing down? I think you're deflecting my questions with humour.
Maybe you joke around because you crave the attention.
Is that right? Yeah.
Did you get much affection as a child? Hugs, kisses, that sort of thing? I didn't like getting kisses off me dad.
The moustache used to tickle.
What about your mum? Same problem.
Your mother didn't have a moustache, Lee.
No, my moustache used to tickle her.
Fair enough, I was getting a bit old for breastfeeding anyway.
Was she a good mother? She was fine.
After me dad left, she had to work to support us.
That kind of thing was frowned upon in them days.
Being a single mum? No, heroin smuggling.
It was the sniffer dogs that caught her.
It's her own fault.
She shouldn't have been smuggling sausages at the same time.
Well, that was all very interesting.
When we were talking just then, you did the same thing several times.
Sorry about that, I thought the cushions had muffled it.
You mentioned your father.
Because you asked about him.
No, I asked you about your mother.
You're the one who kept bringing your dad into it.
Well, that's me dad for you.
Always popping up when he's not wanted.
Like an erection at a funeral.
Don't write that down.
I think there's a very strong possibility that you won't get involved in a relationship because you're worried that you're like your Dad.
How am I like my dad? No, you tell me how you're different.
My dad is a selfish, work-shy, con artist who will not accept responsibility for his own mistakes.
You're still waiting, aren't you? Look, anyway this is all nonsense, because my dad DID form a close personal relationship, and got married and had a kid.
And abandoned them both.
Deep down you're worried you'll do the same thing.
So you avoid forming attachments, meaning you'll probably remain single and childless for the rest of your life.
Thanks, Russell Grant.
And what have you got for Sagittarius? So go on then.
What's the cure? I've only had a few lessons.
We've haven't done cures yet.
You've got to be kidding me.
You spend this time ripping apart the fragments of my brain and say there's nothing to put it together again.
Use Pritt Stick.
It worked last time.
Oh, for God's sake, Lee.
What? You've been messing with my head.
Oh, that's rich coming from you! Why didn't you just tell me you broke this, instead of hiding it? I didn't hide it and I didn't break it.
You see, this is another trait that you get off your dad - lying.
I'm not lying! Then how did it happen? I don't know, Lucy.
Perhaps it was suicide.
He was going to put his head in the oven, then after your counselling he decided to speed things up in the microwave.
Look, if you don't want to end up like your dad, you need to understand him a bit better.
You need to talk to him and find out why he made the mistakes he did.
By the way, I don't mind comments about me being childish or even bad in bed, but if you ever compare me again to that five-foot, poisonous, leaching dwarf, I will pack my bags and I am out of here.
You are like that five-foot, poisonous, leaching dwarf.
I'll let it go this time.
All right, Dad? What the hell are you doing here? Can I come in or what? It's not convenient.
I've got female company in here.
Well, can't you pay her for her time and ask her to leave? I'll have you know this woman's very dear to me.
Well, you should have haggled.
She's not a prostitute.
What, you mean, you're in a relationship? If you like.
See, I knew our family could do it.
I want to meet her.
Well, you can't.
OK, love.
I'm coming now, love.
I'll have to go she's, erm Mute? Well, go on then, get her out of the packet and start pumping.
I want to meet me new step-doll.
All right, I'll admit it.
There's no woman here.
I just didn't want you coming in and seeing all this mess.
I'm so ashamed.
So you should be.
That's my radio and my toaster.
Sorry, I borrowed them last time I was at yours.
Look, it's all right.
You can keep them.
What about the undies? Yes, and the undies as well on one condition.
I have to give back the cash.
No, on the condition that you talk to me.
What? I want you to tell me stuff.
About you and your life.
And I want you to be honest with me, about everything.
Why? Because one day, dad, I might have to speak at your funeral.
I can't just say, "Here lie's my dad.
What a bastard.
" Well, I could but then I'd have nothing to put on the headstone.
What do you want to know? Everything.
You can start by telling me, how you became my father.
It's a bit late for that talk, in't it? In fact, didn't I try to tell you all that kind of stuff when you were six and you started crying.
I wasn't expecting such a graphic mime, dad.
And I certainly wasn't expecting you to play both parts.
It's a good trick if you can do it.
Anyway, I don't mean how did you become my father biologically, I mean emotionally and spiritually.
Why are you asking me this crap really, son? Come on.
You said this was an honest chat.
So be honest.
Lucy reckons I've got problems forming relationships.
And she thought that by talking to you Oh, so that's what this is all about.
The oldest trick in the book, coming over all sensitive so you can get your leg over.
You don't give a toss about my life.
You just want to exploit me for your own sexual gratification.
Oh, there's an image I'm not gonna be able to get out of me head.
I didn't need therapy before, but I do now! You know what, son, you can say what you like about me, but at least I've got some initiative.
When I decide on a bit of lady action, I don't go interviewing me relatives.
I take them out on a date, I bring them back here for coffee, we establish a safe word, and we're off.
If I go to my grave not understanding that, I will die happy.
You know what I'd do if I were in your shoes.
You're not having these, as well! I wouldn't be farting about talking to old men just because I'm too scared to tell her I fancy her.
I'm not scared.
Course you're scared.
You've wanted to get in her knickers for past four years, but you can't.
Why, have you go them, as well? You're an emotional coward.
You've no bloody backbone.
Well, that's what happens when your dad's an invertebrate.
You know what, Dad? I was wrong about you.
On the outside you're all mean and selfish but beneath the surface it turns out you're a total knob-head! Well, bugger off then.
I don't ever want to see you here again.
By the way, don't worry about making a speech at me funeral cos you're not welcome.
I won't need to make a speech, Dad.
I will be expressing myself through dance.
On your grave! You know I'm thinking about doing one of these evening courses myself.
Not for the education as such, more to just meet like-minded people, have a giggle.
Which one are you going to do? Advanced Cantonese for Business.
Why don't you do the wine-tasting course, Daisy, you like a glass of wine? Yeah, but I also like a Chinese.
It's the last time I speak to that miserable old get till he comes back and haunts me.
What did he do to make you so angry? Oh, just the usual.
He opened his mouth.
And breathed.
Did you do what I said? Yes.
I even checked his head for writing but all I found was three sixes.
Actually, erm, Lee, maybe you should put that down, you don't want to break it.
It's too late for that.
He's already broken it.
You know what, Lucy, maybe you're right.
Maybe I did break it and I'm a compulsive liar, like me Dad.
But guess what - there's no way I'll get to the bottom of why he is the way he is, because now we're not even talking anymore.
Well, don't just give up, Lee.
What's the point? It's genetic.
Even me granddad was an evil bastard.
We put it down to trauma in the war.
Combat can do that to people.
He never saw combat.
The SS turned him down on the grounds that he wasn't German.
I think you should see your dad again, but this time you should have someone else present.
Good idea.
I'll phone me dad, you phone the bloke with the baseball bat.
I mean a therapist, to act as a mediator.
No chance.
Don't forget why you started all this in the first place.
You can break the cycle.
Exactly.
You're not a pheasant plucker, you're a pheasant plucker's son, and you're only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.
Blimey, I can't believe I got through that without BLEEP it up! OK.
When are you going to talk me and me dad? Oh, I'm not doing it.
I've done enough damage.
Exactly, you should clean up the mess.
He's right, Lucy.
When you fall off a bike, the best thing you can do is get straight back on the saddle.
You're the bike.
You mean horse.
All right, big-head! But what if I'm damaging the bike? You said you wanted to damage the bike.
No, I said I wanted to break the cycle.
OK, I'll contact your dad and ask him to come round here tomorrow.
Thanks for encouraging Lucy to do the session.
If I'm making the effort, it's better that she witnesses it.
It's all right.
I owed you one anyway.
Why? For taking the blame about the broken head.
Sorry, I panicked.
I was hoping she would think moths did it.
Are you going to tell her it was me? It depends.
On what? On whether or not Britain is suddenly infested with ceramic-eating moths who can break into microwaves.
OK.
Deal.
Now, Lee, it's obvious you have a lot of negativity towards your father, so I'd like to start today by asking you to say something positive about him.
OK.
Dad, you are without doubt the biggest arsehole I've ever met.
I said be positive.
Oh, I am absolutely positive.
Lee! It's OK, Lucy.
He's right to say these things.
I've been a terrible dad.
Carry on.
I've a lot to answer for.
Keep talking.
I'm basically why Lee's such a failure as a human being.
That's probably enough.
I think our Lee just wants to find the right woman, don't you, son? Maybe.
And when you do, shall I give you some advice on relationships? Oh, wait, father.
Let me grab me a pen.
My advice is don't make the mistakes I've made.
Good, Frank.
Let it out.
Release it.
Always dangerous for a woman to say that to my dad.
What mistakes, Frank? I loved your mother, you know.
Tell me about her.
What do you want to know? Anything.
Everything.
There's nothing you can't tell us.
We had a very active sex life.
Ohhhh! This is fun! Oh, grow up.
It's not like I'm showing you the photos.
What I'm saying is, I loved your mother very much.
The problem was Oh I'm sorry about this.
I haven't thought about this for many, many years.
I didn't think I'd get this emotional.
Oh, please go on, Frank.
I think we're making real progress.
This will make you feel a whole lot better.
No, I'm sorry.
It's not good to rake up the past.
You might not like what you hear, son.
I won't waste any more of your time.
Look, Dad.
In the past, I might have given the impression I've got no respect for you, that I thought you were a waste of oxygen.
Yes.
Good.
Just checking I was clear.
I'm joking.
I want to put that behind us.
Just talk to me.
Honestly.
Do you really want to know the truth? Yes.
Just tell us, Frank.
What happened between you and Lee's mother? As I say, we were, we were very, very happy.
But that's when I made me big mistake.
You met someone else? Almost.
Me Mum met someone else? Oh, my God, are you not me real dad? No.
I am your real dad.
Oh, you could've given me a few more seconds.
In a way me and your mum both met someone else.
Go on then.
Who did you meet? You.
What? You were the mistake, son.
I was a mistake? Well, rubber wasn't so reliable back in those days.
Particularly for a man of my dimensions.
It's not particularly long, but the girth AH-LA-LA-LA-LA! Can I just interrupt you there, Frank, to clarify - you mean, Lee wasn't planned? Because that's not so unusual in Can I just interrupt you there, Lucy, to clarify? I'm saying Lee was a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake, that resulted in the end of my marriage to his mother.
Three "terribles".
Unbelievable.
You wanted the truth, son.
I know, but I thought we'd save it for when we're on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
Yes, but looking back on it, Frank, all these years later, with the benefit of a lifetime's experience, how do you feel now? That he definitely WAS a mistake.
Things were tough between me and his mother.
He wasn't exactly a good sleeper.
Oh, you must accept my apologies.
It's not your fault, Lee.
No one's blaming you.
Yes, they are.
He's blaming me.
He's right.
I do blame him.
I hold him totally responsible for the break-up of my marriage, and being shunned by my family, and me subsequent years of unhappiness.
Sorry, am I here?! Well, you wanted the truth, son.
I told you you might not like it.
But I tell you what though, Lucy, you were right.
I feel loads better.
It's like a huge weight's just been lifted off me shoulders.
I'll take that.
You've been looking after my possessions, the least I can do is take your emotional baggage for the next 50 years.
Well, I suppose all this is quite positive.
In a way.
In what bloody way?! If I couldn't have a relationship before, I can't have one now.
He's taken the last bit of self-respect I've ever had.
This is what I get for helping you with your homework.
If you were studying the male reproductive system, I'd be wearing them as earrings by now! On your own? Oh, sorry, have you not met Harvey? He's my imaginary friend.
Harvey, this is my imaginary father.
Look, I know you're angry, but we can make a fresh start now you know the whole story.
There's nothing else to come out.
Yes, you were a mistake.
Yes, I regretted you being born.
Yes, I considered having you adopted.
You wanted to have me adopted? Oh, did I not mention that bit? Now you know the whole story.
Are you sure? I mean, you didn't try and swap one of my kidneys for 20 Silk Cut? Here's something that'll cheer you up.
I admire you.
When I think what you've done in your life, I'm envious.
Why, what have I done? Absolutely nothing.
Thanks, Coach, it's these pep talks that get me through those last few tricky rounds.
You see, I've done loads and most of it has been mistakes.
But you, son, you've done absolutely nothing with your life, so nothing to regret.
In my eyes, not leaving your wife, not abandoning your children, not having to live on your own in a bed sit - these are all victories! We really have to consider raising the bar in our family, don't we? Look, son, you went through all this therapy nonsense just because you wanted to show Lucy that you were different from me, so you could be with her.
There's only one chance that's ever going to happen and that's to get back to that flat and talk to her.
You told me to be more honest and open, now it's your turn.
I can't believe you thought about having me adopted.
It was just a consideration.
Anyway, she made it quite clear she wasn't pleased.
She said "No chance, I'm not having this.
" Good old Mum.
No, that's what the woman at the orphanage said.
Where've you been? With me dad.
What happened? We chatted a bit and sort of made up.
He insisted on buying champagne to celebrate.
Realised he couldn't afford to pay for it.
I called him a cheap bastard.
We rowed.
It turned ugly.
The police were called.
Both thrown out.
It's good to see you two back to normal.
He did give me some good advice though.
Did he? Yeah.
About women.
Oh, it's not the same sort of advice he gave you a few months ago, is it? No.
You'll be pleased to hear this doesn't involve buying anything online from Germany.
He suggested that if I was more honest and open with people, it might stop me ending up like him.
People? All right you.
Go on.
It was me that broke your phrenology head.
Oh.
Sorry, I'll pay for a new one.
Don't worry.
The money's not important.
It was just the honesty that mattered to me.
So I suppose we've made some progress.
Come on, I insist.
How much was it? £400.
Actually I'm lying.
It was Daisy.
It's night school.
Does she wear a uniform? She does now.
What's she studying? She won't tell me.
Oh, why not? She thinks I'll take the mickey.
Would you? I'm offended you even have to ask.
Of course I would.
Anyway, I just popped round to borrow something from your kitchen.
Again? Well, I don't all have the latest fancy gadgets like you and Lucy, do I? All right, what do you want? A teaspoon.
Oh, and an egg, as well, please.
Is this for some sort of athletics event? It's for a recipe.
You know how it is - half way through before I realised I needed an egg.
What exactly is this recipe? Do you need an egg-cup, as well? Yeah.
Oh, here she is.
Educating Rita.
I think its great Lucy that you're going back to school in the evenings.
In my day that was called detention.
I'm amazed you went to school at all, Lee.
I thought you spent most days out on the moors with your kestrel.
It was Tennent's super strength actually.
Come on.
Just tell me, what are you studying? OK, I've got nothing to be embarrassed about.
I have been doing a training course in counselling.
Happy? I think you need to work on your technique.
You see this is why I didn't tell you about it.
If only you could get qualifications in sarcasm, eh, Lee? You can - mock GCSEs.
I knew you'd be uncomfortable with this.
I'm fine with it, just don't start analysing me.
If you want to study the unconscious mind, use Daisy.
I don't mind.
I had to go and see a counsellor very recently, actually.
Oh.
Do you mind me asking what kind? What do you mean? Well, was it a family counsellor, or a grief counsellor? Liberal Democrat, I think.
I thought you meant one that worked in mental health.
Well, he did end up telling me I was insane.
I still don't see why you can't recycle a dead cat.
I'm doing the psychotherapy type of counselling.
But it's only a night class.
I haven't turned into some kind of headshrinker.
If you ever want to deny that you're a nymphomaniac, promise you'll speak to me first.
Be careful, I've just bought it.
It's an antique phrenology head.
Years ago psychologists thought you could tell someone's personality from reading their skull.
I think that's right.
You can tell a lot about someone's personality if they write all over their skull.
Come on, Lucy, why are you really doing all this therapy stuff? I don't know, self-exploration.
The chance to discover something interesting.
Personal growth.
You should try it.
What, explore myself until I find an interesting personal growth? Therapy provides a release of emotion that can be refreshing and invigorating.
You make it sound like a shower gel.
Interesting comparison.
You're very much the kind of person who treats his emotion like you treat your shower gel.
You keep it bottled up and never let it out.
If you insist on buying shower gel called Spring Meadow, you can't expect me to use it out of season.
Come on Lucy, what's this really about? Look, at work all I basically do is try to get as much money out of people as possible.
So I decided I wanted to do something where I can use compassion and understanding as a way to Get as much money out of people as possible.
What? Come on.
I know how it works.
"Sit down, tell me about your dreams.
"Well, doctor, I keep dreaming I'm back at school, but teachers are horses and the nit nurse tries to poke me eye out with a lollipop.
" "Oh, that is simple, the lollipop's your penis "and the horses are a manly urge to sleep with your grandfather.
"Oh, that will be £200, please.
" Listen, you repressed Northern twat, instead of taking the piss out of me, perhaps you should be more introspective yourself.
That way you might work out why you can't do the basics in life - like forming a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex, you self-obsessed, emotionally retarded, egotistical bell-end.
Well, you're right doctor, it works, I'm certainly feeling better about meself.
Why am I so big and strong and you're so small and weak? I've been ill.
Oh! Blimey.
That was close.
Did you hear that? Lucy reckons that I can't have relationships.
What? That's totally ridiculous.
Thanks.
You're a grown man.
You can do whatever you like.
No, she means I'm not capable of having relationships.
Oh, yeah, that's a fair point.
See, you're just not a people-person.
And a lot of women like a man that is a people-person.
Like Lucy.
She's a people-person person.
And a people-person person tends to prefer other people-person people.
How do you think she feel about pheasant pluckers? Well, if you want to be Lucy's pheasant plucker, maybe you should stop mocking her therapy course.
Who says I want to be Lucy's pheasant plucker? For all you know I might have my eye on somebody else.
Like who? A girl called Suzie, she sits in a shoe shine shop.
What are you reading? The Interpretation of Dreams.
Oh, yeah, Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis who discovered theories such as the Oedipus complex, based on the dynamic repression of feelings a son has towards his mother especially during psychosexual development.
Somebody's been on Wikipedia.
Well, you know, what it's like.
You type in MILF, and one page leads to another.
Do you want me to test you? You do that most days.
I said "test", not "arouse".
Come on, I'll pretend I've got a psychological condition, and you've gotta guess what it is.
So for example, if I said, "Help! I'm scared to go out!" That would be arachnophobia.
No, it wouldn't.
Yes, it would.
I'm scared of going out with spiders.
OK, we'll start with an easy one.
Ohhh haven't slept for weeks! Insomnia.
No.
What then? Insomnia.
I just said insomnia.
Yeah, but I'm also in denial.
Right, here's your next one - "Help, I'm scared to go out.
" You've already done that one.
Amnesia.
I keep falling asleep at the wheel.
Narcolepsy.
Alcoholism.
Right, come on it's your turn.
Can you please sod off? Extremely mild Tourette's Syndrome.
I'm serious, Lee.
I've got loads of course work to do.
All right, you can practise on me.
What? I'll be your patient.
You can analyse me.
Lee, I've had a few lessons and read half a textbook.
Perhaps you should dive in at the deep end.
If you're the metaphorical swimming pool, trust me you're not the deep end.
Yeah, and I'm not the shallow end either.
No, I was thinking more that foot bath they have to stop verrucas.
Come on, you're the one that said I'd problems forming relationships.
Help me out.
So what do you want to talk about? Anything you like.
Doesn't bother me.
I'm fine.
Why do you say you're fine? Because I am.
Everything's hunky dory.
Why use that phrase - "hunky dory"? This is bollocks, this.
You're just repeating everything back as a question.
Next time I want help, I might just shout me problems into a big cave.
And don't tell me - you want to know why I used the phrase "big cave".
You probably think it represents something, don't you? Like part of woman's body.
That's why I fear relationships.
I'm scared of the vagina.
I probably dreamt as a kid that it had teeth and if you went any Please stop me.
Lee, I'm a beginner.
Help me out a bit here.
OK.
I'm here because my landlady thinks I have a problem forming close personal relationships.
And why do you think you have problem forming close personal relationships? I don't.
It's just what my landlady thinks.
Is this the same landlady who thinks you never clean the kitchen sink and are always weeing on the bathroom floor? Yep, that's the heartless bitch.
And is she right about those things? Yes, but I've got a solution that will kill two birds with one stone.
I'm going to start weeing in the kitchen sink.
Well, if she's right about those things, maybe she's right about you not being able to form close personal relationships.
OK.
How about sex? Shall we finish the session first? Perhaps you should tell me about your earliest sexual experience.
Oh, you are loving this, aren't you? And what did she say? I'm guessing "no".
Come on Lee, I'm only saying this because I think it might be relevant.
So I'll ask you again - tell me about you earliest sexual experience.
Before I got up this morning, I had a quick Not today! I mean your earliest ever sexual experience.
I remember when I was very young, finding my mum and dad having sex in my bed.
What did you do? Turned over and tried to go back to sleep.
What are you writing down? I think you're deflecting my questions with humour.
Maybe you joke around because you crave the attention.
Is that right? Yeah.
Did you get much affection as a child? Hugs, kisses, that sort of thing? I didn't like getting kisses off me dad.
The moustache used to tickle.
What about your mum? Same problem.
Your mother didn't have a moustache, Lee.
No, my moustache used to tickle her.
Fair enough, I was getting a bit old for breastfeeding anyway.
Was she a good mother? She was fine.
After me dad left, she had to work to support us.
That kind of thing was frowned upon in them days.
Being a single mum? No, heroin smuggling.
It was the sniffer dogs that caught her.
It's her own fault.
She shouldn't have been smuggling sausages at the same time.
Well, that was all very interesting.
When we were talking just then, you did the same thing several times.
Sorry about that, I thought the cushions had muffled it.
You mentioned your father.
Because you asked about him.
No, I asked you about your mother.
You're the one who kept bringing your dad into it.
Well, that's me dad for you.
Always popping up when he's not wanted.
Like an erection at a funeral.
Don't write that down.
I think there's a very strong possibility that you won't get involved in a relationship because you're worried that you're like your Dad.
How am I like my dad? No, you tell me how you're different.
My dad is a selfish, work-shy, con artist who will not accept responsibility for his own mistakes.
You're still waiting, aren't you? Look, anyway this is all nonsense, because my dad DID form a close personal relationship, and got married and had a kid.
And abandoned them both.
Deep down you're worried you'll do the same thing.
So you avoid forming attachments, meaning you'll probably remain single and childless for the rest of your life.
Thanks, Russell Grant.
And what have you got for Sagittarius? So go on then.
What's the cure? I've only had a few lessons.
We've haven't done cures yet.
You've got to be kidding me.
You spend this time ripping apart the fragments of my brain and say there's nothing to put it together again.
Use Pritt Stick.
It worked last time.
Oh, for God's sake, Lee.
What? You've been messing with my head.
Oh, that's rich coming from you! Why didn't you just tell me you broke this, instead of hiding it? I didn't hide it and I didn't break it.
You see, this is another trait that you get off your dad - lying.
I'm not lying! Then how did it happen? I don't know, Lucy.
Perhaps it was suicide.
He was going to put his head in the oven, then after your counselling he decided to speed things up in the microwave.
Look, if you don't want to end up like your dad, you need to understand him a bit better.
You need to talk to him and find out why he made the mistakes he did.
By the way, I don't mind comments about me being childish or even bad in bed, but if you ever compare me again to that five-foot, poisonous, leaching dwarf, I will pack my bags and I am out of here.
You are like that five-foot, poisonous, leaching dwarf.
I'll let it go this time.
All right, Dad? What the hell are you doing here? Can I come in or what? It's not convenient.
I've got female company in here.
Well, can't you pay her for her time and ask her to leave? I'll have you know this woman's very dear to me.
Well, you should have haggled.
She's not a prostitute.
What, you mean, you're in a relationship? If you like.
See, I knew our family could do it.
I want to meet her.
Well, you can't.
OK, love.
I'm coming now, love.
I'll have to go she's, erm Mute? Well, go on then, get her out of the packet and start pumping.
I want to meet me new step-doll.
All right, I'll admit it.
There's no woman here.
I just didn't want you coming in and seeing all this mess.
I'm so ashamed.
So you should be.
That's my radio and my toaster.
Sorry, I borrowed them last time I was at yours.
Look, it's all right.
You can keep them.
What about the undies? Yes, and the undies as well on one condition.
I have to give back the cash.
No, on the condition that you talk to me.
What? I want you to tell me stuff.
About you and your life.
And I want you to be honest with me, about everything.
Why? Because one day, dad, I might have to speak at your funeral.
I can't just say, "Here lie's my dad.
What a bastard.
" Well, I could but then I'd have nothing to put on the headstone.
What do you want to know? Everything.
You can start by telling me, how you became my father.
It's a bit late for that talk, in't it? In fact, didn't I try to tell you all that kind of stuff when you were six and you started crying.
I wasn't expecting such a graphic mime, dad.
And I certainly wasn't expecting you to play both parts.
It's a good trick if you can do it.
Anyway, I don't mean how did you become my father biologically, I mean emotionally and spiritually.
Why are you asking me this crap really, son? Come on.
You said this was an honest chat.
So be honest.
Lucy reckons I've got problems forming relationships.
And she thought that by talking to you Oh, so that's what this is all about.
The oldest trick in the book, coming over all sensitive so you can get your leg over.
You don't give a toss about my life.
You just want to exploit me for your own sexual gratification.
Oh, there's an image I'm not gonna be able to get out of me head.
I didn't need therapy before, but I do now! You know what, son, you can say what you like about me, but at least I've got some initiative.
When I decide on a bit of lady action, I don't go interviewing me relatives.
I take them out on a date, I bring them back here for coffee, we establish a safe word, and we're off.
If I go to my grave not understanding that, I will die happy.
You know what I'd do if I were in your shoes.
You're not having these, as well! I wouldn't be farting about talking to old men just because I'm too scared to tell her I fancy her.
I'm not scared.
Course you're scared.
You've wanted to get in her knickers for past four years, but you can't.
Why, have you go them, as well? You're an emotional coward.
You've no bloody backbone.
Well, that's what happens when your dad's an invertebrate.
You know what, Dad? I was wrong about you.
On the outside you're all mean and selfish but beneath the surface it turns out you're a total knob-head! Well, bugger off then.
I don't ever want to see you here again.
By the way, don't worry about making a speech at me funeral cos you're not welcome.
I won't need to make a speech, Dad.
I will be expressing myself through dance.
On your grave! You know I'm thinking about doing one of these evening courses myself.
Not for the education as such, more to just meet like-minded people, have a giggle.
Which one are you going to do? Advanced Cantonese for Business.
Why don't you do the wine-tasting course, Daisy, you like a glass of wine? Yeah, but I also like a Chinese.
It's the last time I speak to that miserable old get till he comes back and haunts me.
What did he do to make you so angry? Oh, just the usual.
He opened his mouth.
And breathed.
Did you do what I said? Yes.
I even checked his head for writing but all I found was three sixes.
Actually, erm, Lee, maybe you should put that down, you don't want to break it.
It's too late for that.
He's already broken it.
You know what, Lucy, maybe you're right.
Maybe I did break it and I'm a compulsive liar, like me Dad.
But guess what - there's no way I'll get to the bottom of why he is the way he is, because now we're not even talking anymore.
Well, don't just give up, Lee.
What's the point? It's genetic.
Even me granddad was an evil bastard.
We put it down to trauma in the war.
Combat can do that to people.
He never saw combat.
The SS turned him down on the grounds that he wasn't German.
I think you should see your dad again, but this time you should have someone else present.
Good idea.
I'll phone me dad, you phone the bloke with the baseball bat.
I mean a therapist, to act as a mediator.
No chance.
Don't forget why you started all this in the first place.
You can break the cycle.
Exactly.
You're not a pheasant plucker, you're a pheasant plucker's son, and you're only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.
Blimey, I can't believe I got through that without BLEEP it up! OK.
When are you going to talk me and me dad? Oh, I'm not doing it.
I've done enough damage.
Exactly, you should clean up the mess.
He's right, Lucy.
When you fall off a bike, the best thing you can do is get straight back on the saddle.
You're the bike.
You mean horse.
All right, big-head! But what if I'm damaging the bike? You said you wanted to damage the bike.
No, I said I wanted to break the cycle.
OK, I'll contact your dad and ask him to come round here tomorrow.
Thanks for encouraging Lucy to do the session.
If I'm making the effort, it's better that she witnesses it.
It's all right.
I owed you one anyway.
Why? For taking the blame about the broken head.
Sorry, I panicked.
I was hoping she would think moths did it.
Are you going to tell her it was me? It depends.
On what? On whether or not Britain is suddenly infested with ceramic-eating moths who can break into microwaves.
OK.
Deal.
Now, Lee, it's obvious you have a lot of negativity towards your father, so I'd like to start today by asking you to say something positive about him.
OK.
Dad, you are without doubt the biggest arsehole I've ever met.
I said be positive.
Oh, I am absolutely positive.
Lee! It's OK, Lucy.
He's right to say these things.
I've been a terrible dad.
Carry on.
I've a lot to answer for.
Keep talking.
I'm basically why Lee's such a failure as a human being.
That's probably enough.
I think our Lee just wants to find the right woman, don't you, son? Maybe.
And when you do, shall I give you some advice on relationships? Oh, wait, father.
Let me grab me a pen.
My advice is don't make the mistakes I've made.
Good, Frank.
Let it out.
Release it.
Always dangerous for a woman to say that to my dad.
What mistakes, Frank? I loved your mother, you know.
Tell me about her.
What do you want to know? Anything.
Everything.
There's nothing you can't tell us.
We had a very active sex life.
Ohhhh! This is fun! Oh, grow up.
It's not like I'm showing you the photos.
What I'm saying is, I loved your mother very much.
The problem was Oh I'm sorry about this.
I haven't thought about this for many, many years.
I didn't think I'd get this emotional.
Oh, please go on, Frank.
I think we're making real progress.
This will make you feel a whole lot better.
No, I'm sorry.
It's not good to rake up the past.
You might not like what you hear, son.
I won't waste any more of your time.
Look, Dad.
In the past, I might have given the impression I've got no respect for you, that I thought you were a waste of oxygen.
Yes.
Good.
Just checking I was clear.
I'm joking.
I want to put that behind us.
Just talk to me.
Honestly.
Do you really want to know the truth? Yes.
Just tell us, Frank.
What happened between you and Lee's mother? As I say, we were, we were very, very happy.
But that's when I made me big mistake.
You met someone else? Almost.
Me Mum met someone else? Oh, my God, are you not me real dad? No.
I am your real dad.
Oh, you could've given me a few more seconds.
In a way me and your mum both met someone else.
Go on then.
Who did you meet? You.
What? You were the mistake, son.
I was a mistake? Well, rubber wasn't so reliable back in those days.
Particularly for a man of my dimensions.
It's not particularly long, but the girth AH-LA-LA-LA-LA! Can I just interrupt you there, Frank, to clarify - you mean, Lee wasn't planned? Because that's not so unusual in Can I just interrupt you there, Lucy, to clarify? I'm saying Lee was a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake, that resulted in the end of my marriage to his mother.
Three "terribles".
Unbelievable.
You wanted the truth, son.
I know, but I thought we'd save it for when we're on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
Yes, but looking back on it, Frank, all these years later, with the benefit of a lifetime's experience, how do you feel now? That he definitely WAS a mistake.
Things were tough between me and his mother.
He wasn't exactly a good sleeper.
Oh, you must accept my apologies.
It's not your fault, Lee.
No one's blaming you.
Yes, they are.
He's blaming me.
He's right.
I do blame him.
I hold him totally responsible for the break-up of my marriage, and being shunned by my family, and me subsequent years of unhappiness.
Sorry, am I here?! Well, you wanted the truth, son.
I told you you might not like it.
But I tell you what though, Lucy, you were right.
I feel loads better.
It's like a huge weight's just been lifted off me shoulders.
I'll take that.
You've been looking after my possessions, the least I can do is take your emotional baggage for the next 50 years.
Well, I suppose all this is quite positive.
In a way.
In what bloody way?! If I couldn't have a relationship before, I can't have one now.
He's taken the last bit of self-respect I've ever had.
This is what I get for helping you with your homework.
If you were studying the male reproductive system, I'd be wearing them as earrings by now! On your own? Oh, sorry, have you not met Harvey? He's my imaginary friend.
Harvey, this is my imaginary father.
Look, I know you're angry, but we can make a fresh start now you know the whole story.
There's nothing else to come out.
Yes, you were a mistake.
Yes, I regretted you being born.
Yes, I considered having you adopted.
You wanted to have me adopted? Oh, did I not mention that bit? Now you know the whole story.
Are you sure? I mean, you didn't try and swap one of my kidneys for 20 Silk Cut? Here's something that'll cheer you up.
I admire you.
When I think what you've done in your life, I'm envious.
Why, what have I done? Absolutely nothing.
Thanks, Coach, it's these pep talks that get me through those last few tricky rounds.
You see, I've done loads and most of it has been mistakes.
But you, son, you've done absolutely nothing with your life, so nothing to regret.
In my eyes, not leaving your wife, not abandoning your children, not having to live on your own in a bed sit - these are all victories! We really have to consider raising the bar in our family, don't we? Look, son, you went through all this therapy nonsense just because you wanted to show Lucy that you were different from me, so you could be with her.
There's only one chance that's ever going to happen and that's to get back to that flat and talk to her.
You told me to be more honest and open, now it's your turn.
I can't believe you thought about having me adopted.
It was just a consideration.
Anyway, she made it quite clear she wasn't pleased.
She said "No chance, I'm not having this.
" Good old Mum.
No, that's what the woman at the orphanage said.
Where've you been? With me dad.
What happened? We chatted a bit and sort of made up.
He insisted on buying champagne to celebrate.
Realised he couldn't afford to pay for it.
I called him a cheap bastard.
We rowed.
It turned ugly.
The police were called.
Both thrown out.
It's good to see you two back to normal.
He did give me some good advice though.
Did he? Yeah.
About women.
Oh, it's not the same sort of advice he gave you a few months ago, is it? No.
You'll be pleased to hear this doesn't involve buying anything online from Germany.
He suggested that if I was more honest and open with people, it might stop me ending up like him.
People? All right you.
Go on.
It was me that broke your phrenology head.
Oh.
Sorry, I'll pay for a new one.
Don't worry.
The money's not important.
It was just the honesty that mattered to me.
So I suppose we've made some progress.
Come on, I insist.
How much was it? £400.
Actually I'm lying.
It was Daisy.