One Foot in the Grave (1990) s06e03 Episode Script
The Futility of the Fly
# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # (WATER RUNNING) (DOORBELL RINGING) HILTON: Oh, God almighty! One of Jehovah's witnesses? Don't they ever leave people alone? Descending on your house every week like a plague of boils Hilton, what are you doing? What does it look as though I'm doing? Castrating an elephant? They know someone's in Our car is outside MAN: Good morning Oh, no, you were in the bath Oh, I do beg your pardon HILTON: Yes Just getting ready to go out, I'm afraid Otherwise I'd love to stay and chat, but nice to have met you anyway Bye What do they always got to be so bloody cheerful for, is what I'd like to know Yes, well Not everyone in life's a congenital misery-guts It wouldn't hurt you to lighten up once in a blue moon See the world in a more optimistic light for a change HILTON: Oh, yes After that hideous performance last night, you mean? Coming home from the fish shop to find a severed finger in my bag of chips? It's us, Ruthie In case you hadn't noticed, we've been cursed with bad luck since the day we were born I'd noticed Okay How can I put this, folks? It's a little bit Brian Rix, wouldn't you say? And let's be honest Any broader, you'd be performing in a circus ring Specifically? Specifically, you're looking at a plot here no audience in the West End is ever going to buy into I mean, finding someone's finger in a bag of chips? Then you've got the scene where he hilariously ends up in the bath with that old lady Listen, the biggest problem of all is your central character People want someone with warmth Someone they can relate to I don't know what planet this guy is off, but it's certainly not Earth Well, you say that, but here's the thing I've actually met this man in real life, and I'm telling you, everything you've just seen happened There is no way I could invent this kind of stuff At least stay and see how it plays tonight You can't always judge till the audience are in (WATER RUNNING) (SAWING) (DOOR CLOSING) Another hubcap in the marigolds I don't know why I bother sometimes After three hours lugging all that other stuff up to the tip this afternoon What's this? Oh, they tried to deliver a parcel this morning, apparently I don't know what that'll be We're not expecting anything Oh, these are nearly cold Which chippy did you go to? Not that one with the mad Italians, I hope, that are always arguing with each other They do a nice piece of gurnet There were some real fun and games there last night, if you believe everything you hear That chap who runs the place, Enrico, apparently was caught by his wife at it with her best friend What? You mean In the shop Behind the counter with the lights out Putting on what he thought was a contraceptive turned out to be a sachet of mustard His wife heard the screams, ran downstairs and tried to batter them both to death Of course, the batter was cold, so she went completely doolally with the meat cleaver Good grief! -Did she do any damage? -That we don't know The way people were gabbing away there I did hear the words ''hacked off'' I should think she was, poor woman Oh, these will be fine when they're warmed up Mrs Warboys, hope that's not my favourite clothes prop you're cutting up What? Oh Margaret said I could take it back for firewood, as you don't use it any more By the way, I've run a bath for you if you want to freshen up before we eat! Oh, yes, that'll be just the ticket MAN ON TV: Having selected a mature female, the male now waits until she is settled in the water.
And then proceeds to attach his jelly-like protuberances to her body.
(SCREAMING) Well, I haven't got eyes in the back of my head, have I? That much is evident I should think she'll be afraid to go to sleep in the bath ever again for fear of what might suddenly land on her face! I mean, I cannot believe that someone would just plonk themselves down All right, all right, Margaret All right It's bad enough it happened Can we just drop it, please? The worst of it was banging my jaw on that tap I think one of my crowns has come loose Not sure I can manage this meat pie now Just try eating the chips Yes Yes, I might be able to manage What is it? What? Is that a Someone's finger Oh, God Tell me it's not Surely It's been deep fried I think I need some fresh air What are you doing? Looking to see if there are any more For crying out loud! Isn't one enough? -Go and get a flask -A what? A thermos flask and fill it with ice If we get it up to the hospital quickly, they might be able to do something with it Like what? Pick their ruddy noses! How would I know? Just get the thing out of this house OhGod What a day Talk about one thing after another Did you remember to rinse that flask out when you got back from the hospital? Yes Suppose it would have been a miracle if they had managed to sew that thing back on after all that The things people get up to Oh, you wouldn't credit it What are you doing all that for at this time of night? I suddenly remembered it's tomorrow that cleaning woman's coming I don't want her to find the place looking like a pigsty But the whole point about getting a cleaner was to give you a rest You know you can't go at it the way you used to Yes Well, there's something about her that makes me feel very inadequate If she kept her clothes on while she was here, it would be a start Running about in that skimpy bra You can't tell me she gets that hot What are you talking about, skimpy bra That's a bikini top, surely Oh, it looks exactly like a bikini top, I'll grant you But that is definitely a bra I'd stake my life on it If they both look exactly the same, what difference does it make? (MARGARET SCOFFING) As long as she's got somewhere to tuck her dusters Just one of those things we'll never know You're in a funny mood tonight What is it? Hmm? Oh Just a bit tired after all that other palaver Night, night Night ''Dear Mimsy, ''I wonder if it's possible to reverse a circumcision ''For the last 1 3 years ''my husband has kept his foreskin in a jar ''But to be honest, I'm not sure it would still fit ''Any guidance you can give us on this matter would be much appreciated'' (TUTTING) It's tragic really, the things people write in about I mean, listen to this one ''I have developed a thick white coating on my tongue ''which I'm worried may be dandruff ''And despite gargling twice a day with Head and Shoulders, ''the problem does not seem to go away'' So, how is Victor this morning? He not up yet? No, I don't think he got much sleep, to be honest Seemed to have something on his mind that he evidently didn't want to talk about, so Boiling now -If that's water resistant, I'm a Dutchman -Well, exactly Yes, my name's Meldrew, 1 9 Riverbank I believe you've got a parcel for us and I was just Ah Anytime before 6:00 Okay, then Right Thank you Bye (PHONE RINGING) Hello Oh, Enrico, how are you today? Are you still in the hospital? -Oh, have they? Really? -Did I Did I leave a nozzle in here? Yeah There's no need to go to all that trouble Yeah All right, Enrico, I'll look forward to that Yes, bye Katy, are you well? How is the play going these days? Oh, good question I read it to my boyfriend last night -who, like, just totally hated it -What did he say? He said I'd done a sensational job But men will say anything, won't they, when they wanna get laid The subtext was definitely, ''Don't give up your day job'' Anyway, how's everything in this room? All right for you? Yes, you've done a sensational job Very nice, thank you Oh, God, it's nearly 1 0 to one I've got a dental appointment in town at two -I've got to rush, Mr Meldrew Bye -Bye Unbelievable! He's only invited himself round here for lunch now -Who has? -That chip shop wallah, Enrico Said he was very grateful that I'd taken his finger back last night Now he wants to treat us to a large portion of haddock Where are you off to? Well, I'm not sitting here all morning watching Snow White get her kit off Said we'd pop down the health shop, see if we can get something for Jean's shoulder It's like one long pain, now, going right up into my jaw Dreading going up to see him, now, about this tooth Oh, of course 'Cause you're allergic to the injections I don't know what it is, the Novocaine or whatever, always makes me horribly sick Remember last time when I brought my liver up? Those suction tubes can barely cope with a mouthful of gravy Well, there must be other ways they can numb you Have you ever thought about going to a different dentist? I won't, if you don't mind, Enrico I've gone off chips for the moment Thanks all the same Just a nibble It's good, right? Like being suckled by Angela Rippon Just melts in the mouth Listen, Victor I was deeply touched, you know, when you brought that back to me last night Other men would have flushed it down the crapper But Victor? No Listen, how many years now you come into my shop? Doesn't matter Enrico knows Can spot a man of superior intellect Because for me right now is big problem, right? Two nights ago, my wife catch me with her best friend on floor of the shop -behind the counter -Yes, I heard You heard? It's very possible I make plenty of noise But, then, this morning I come home from hospital I know just what to do Get both women together and I tell them it's only one way to choose between them We'll let Victor decide What? We'll let Victor Meldrew make the decision, like judgement of Solomon It's not easy, for sure They are both very beautiful Antonella is a wonderful, wonderful wife But Phyllis You know, wow! Well, Enrico, I haven't Have you thought of writing to one of these people in the paper? I'm sure they can advise you much better than I can, because Anyway, I've got to pop out very shortly to the post office So perhaps I'll just Perhaps I'll just take these and wash them up Hey, Victor, it's fantastic idea, right? Check it out Mimsy Berkowitz ''Am I lost in love ''or seeking solace in sex?'' Whatever my emotional dilemma, Mimsy can help me Maybe write to her She tell me what to do Yes, I think it's for the best, Enrico Now, I'm afraid I've got to go now So, unfortunately, you'll have to Yes Before you go, Victor Do me one tiny favour Oh, hello -Did you make it in time then in the end? -Sorry? -The dental appointment -Oh, yes Sorry, Mr Meldrew, I'm not quite with it yet I'm still a bit spaced out, I think -Oh, right From the anaesthetic? -Hypnosis, actually -Hypnosis? -I know, it's amazing She's Taiwanese She uses, like, this kind of hypnotherapy to put you under, and it's brilliant You don't feel any pain Don't remember any of what happened, anything What's that? A new pair of cufflinks? To be honest, I haven't the faintest idea who it's from or anything -I'll see you around, Mr Meldrew -Right Bye, Katy Take care What are you up to? She's supposed to have done that once this morning ''Supposed to'' is right My God Is that it? -What do you think it is? -I don't know There's nothing on the outside to say who sent it or anything Oh! I'll tell you what I did find when I was out A dentist that might be handy for you know who Apparently there's one that cleaner goes to who uses hypnotism on her patients She puts them under, and they don't feel any pain or anything What in the name of all that's holy! What Where did it come from? That can't possibly be for us Mr and Mrs Meldrew 1 9 Riverbank Well, there must be a letter or a note I mean, what the hell is it for? -Perhaps it's a free gift -A free gift? Oh, hang on There's something written underneath here -What does it say? -It says ''Best before January 2001 '' Sorry, Mr Meldrew, I thought we said 1 0:00 Perhaps I'll just take my own car Oh, you'll do nothing of the kind, Mrs Warboys I'll be with you in just a jiffy Now, if you could get the car out of the garage, that would be one big help Yes Yes, all right Still don't know if it's the answer Hypnotherapy, you know I mean, what if they can't bring me out of a trance? I could turn into a vegetable doing a striptease every time anyone claps their hands Oh This is very lifelike, isn't it? Could almost be real -What? -Of course, I had a talk with my old dentist who said I should definitely give it a try, and he's given me a copy of the X-ray to take along and everything, but What's that? Bad news? Well, I found it in that letter rack ''Mimsy Berkowitz'' Is this Victor's handwri What would he be doing writing to an agony aunt? I don't know There was obviously something on his mind the other night, but My God, you think he's got some girl into trouble? Why ever do you say that? Well, whatever it is, it smacks of dishonesty -Let's see if I can pick it open -No, Jean! If he's got some kind of problem that he feels he can't share with me, that's his lookout I'm sorry Yes, well I'll pop it into the box for you while I'm out ''Dear Mimsy, I have the most terrible problem and need your advice ''Recently I have developed an insane passion for my wife's best friend ''who I now realise I totally worship ''Ever since we shared an intimate moment together a few nights ago, ''I cannot stop thinking about her'' Oh, my God Here we are then Sorry about that All set We're all set Try not to worry about it Everything's going to be absolutely fine (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) -Mrs Warboys -Yes -First time here, yes? -Yes And feeling a bit nervous about it all, if truth be told You say something about a crown, right? Yes Oh, and Mr Spigot gave me this to give to you which will make far more sense to you than it does to me Ah, okay I see It's been giving me such gyp, I can't tell you And I've been saying to myself for weeks I must get this shoulder done, -but you know what it is -Okay Fine First of all, Mrs Warboys, just relax, okay? And keep very, very still Doesn't seem to need a lot of doing, this floor Are you sure you haven't secretly been mopping it all over before I got here? Oh, by the way, thanks for putting us onto that dentist of yours That was just what our friend was looking for Amazing to think they can do that now Give you fillings and everything just with hypnotherapy Oh, no, it's fantastic It's not my dentist, though, who does all that I wish it was Not your dentist? Then who was it you'd just been to see when Victor ran into (PHONE RINGING) Hello, Jackie Tang's Mr Meldrew? Your wife Thank you Hello, yes? Yes, we're still here Yes, I think she should be out at any minute What? You're joking! I'll speak to you later All completed now I hope she will be pleased Er, yes Mrs Warboys Mrs Warboys You excuse me (PHONE RINGING) Mr Meldrew! I'm sorry I'll just get your coat Where in God's name is she? And why did she have to shoot off on her own like that anyway? It doesn't make any sense I've no idea After we came out, she said she had to go to the post office and she was going to come back here on the bus to pick up her car She's been giving me very strange looks all day, come to that Well, when she does get here, you are going to tell her everything God, you've cocked some things up in your time, Victor, but this one takes the biscuit I don't know who was in a bigger trance, her or you MARGARET: Don't tell me that bulb's gone again already No All off now VICTOR: It'll just be the trip switch needs re-setting Do you want me to do it? No, I can manage JEAN: Anyone in? Sorry, it was murder on the buses tonight Oh, Mr Meldrew? -What's going on? -VICTOR: It's all right, Mrs Warboys, come right in No, I'm sorry, I can't stay I just came to collect my keys which I think I left here Yeah, but you're not in a rush, are you? I thought it might be an idea if we just sat down and had a little chat JEAN: Oh, my God, what's that horrible rubbery thing? (SLAPPING) You keep away from me, Mr Meldrew! Help! Help! -Mrs Warboys -No! Oh, God! No! No! Help! Jean? Oh I'll I'll talk to you later Bye Do you ever get the feeling you'd just like to go to sleep and not wake up the next morning? Every night Wouldn't have to worry then Wouldn't have to keep trying to make sense of it all All what? Us This Everything It's like when I was at the hospital the other night I don't know And you see it all there, don't you? The whole thing under one roof Birth Death All the misery in between I remember reading an article once that said, ''All our lives are just a temporary blip ''in the long meaningless void of eternity'' And that we'll never know where we came from or what we're doing here Or why a grown woman would suddenly jam a courgette in the door I mean, it's not even as if she could have mistaken it in the dark for something else (SILENT) (THEATRE AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (THEATRE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) Molly, what the hell did you think he was trying to do? And with a thing like that? Who do you think I'm married to? Champion the Wonder Horse? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Make it a spring onion, we'd be getting closer to the mark Look, we're on the end of a pier They're not gonna be the most demanding house in the world -They're laughing -But the laughter is meaningless You put this in front of people who think, they're gonna ask too many questions Like, ''What the hell was the deal with that giant fly?'' You can't just set up something like that and then never explain it But they never did explain it It just became like this total unsolved mystery -Which is what I love about it -Sorry, Katy There's some interesting stuff here, but bottom line, the writing has to be convincing And end of the day, I'm afraid for me, that's the biggest single problem I don't believe it # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #
And then proceeds to attach his jelly-like protuberances to her body.
(SCREAMING) Well, I haven't got eyes in the back of my head, have I? That much is evident I should think she'll be afraid to go to sleep in the bath ever again for fear of what might suddenly land on her face! I mean, I cannot believe that someone would just plonk themselves down All right, all right, Margaret All right It's bad enough it happened Can we just drop it, please? The worst of it was banging my jaw on that tap I think one of my crowns has come loose Not sure I can manage this meat pie now Just try eating the chips Yes Yes, I might be able to manage What is it? What? Is that a Someone's finger Oh, God Tell me it's not Surely It's been deep fried I think I need some fresh air What are you doing? Looking to see if there are any more For crying out loud! Isn't one enough? -Go and get a flask -A what? A thermos flask and fill it with ice If we get it up to the hospital quickly, they might be able to do something with it Like what? Pick their ruddy noses! How would I know? Just get the thing out of this house OhGod What a day Talk about one thing after another Did you remember to rinse that flask out when you got back from the hospital? Yes Suppose it would have been a miracle if they had managed to sew that thing back on after all that The things people get up to Oh, you wouldn't credit it What are you doing all that for at this time of night? I suddenly remembered it's tomorrow that cleaning woman's coming I don't want her to find the place looking like a pigsty But the whole point about getting a cleaner was to give you a rest You know you can't go at it the way you used to Yes Well, there's something about her that makes me feel very inadequate If she kept her clothes on while she was here, it would be a start Running about in that skimpy bra You can't tell me she gets that hot What are you talking about, skimpy bra That's a bikini top, surely Oh, it looks exactly like a bikini top, I'll grant you But that is definitely a bra I'd stake my life on it If they both look exactly the same, what difference does it make? (MARGARET SCOFFING) As long as she's got somewhere to tuck her dusters Just one of those things we'll never know You're in a funny mood tonight What is it? Hmm? Oh Just a bit tired after all that other palaver Night, night Night ''Dear Mimsy, ''I wonder if it's possible to reverse a circumcision ''For the last 1 3 years ''my husband has kept his foreskin in a jar ''But to be honest, I'm not sure it would still fit ''Any guidance you can give us on this matter would be much appreciated'' (TUTTING) It's tragic really, the things people write in about I mean, listen to this one ''I have developed a thick white coating on my tongue ''which I'm worried may be dandruff ''And despite gargling twice a day with Head and Shoulders, ''the problem does not seem to go away'' So, how is Victor this morning? He not up yet? No, I don't think he got much sleep, to be honest Seemed to have something on his mind that he evidently didn't want to talk about, so Boiling now -If that's water resistant, I'm a Dutchman -Well, exactly Yes, my name's Meldrew, 1 9 Riverbank I believe you've got a parcel for us and I was just Ah Anytime before 6:00 Okay, then Right Thank you Bye (PHONE RINGING) Hello Oh, Enrico, how are you today? Are you still in the hospital? -Oh, have they? Really? -Did I Did I leave a nozzle in here? Yeah There's no need to go to all that trouble Yeah All right, Enrico, I'll look forward to that Yes, bye Katy, are you well? How is the play going these days? Oh, good question I read it to my boyfriend last night -who, like, just totally hated it -What did he say? He said I'd done a sensational job But men will say anything, won't they, when they wanna get laid The subtext was definitely, ''Don't give up your day job'' Anyway, how's everything in this room? All right for you? Yes, you've done a sensational job Very nice, thank you Oh, God, it's nearly 1 0 to one I've got a dental appointment in town at two -I've got to rush, Mr Meldrew Bye -Bye Unbelievable! He's only invited himself round here for lunch now -Who has? -That chip shop wallah, Enrico Said he was very grateful that I'd taken his finger back last night Now he wants to treat us to a large portion of haddock Where are you off to? Well, I'm not sitting here all morning watching Snow White get her kit off Said we'd pop down the health shop, see if we can get something for Jean's shoulder It's like one long pain, now, going right up into my jaw Dreading going up to see him, now, about this tooth Oh, of course 'Cause you're allergic to the injections I don't know what it is, the Novocaine or whatever, always makes me horribly sick Remember last time when I brought my liver up? Those suction tubes can barely cope with a mouthful of gravy Well, there must be other ways they can numb you Have you ever thought about going to a different dentist? I won't, if you don't mind, Enrico I've gone off chips for the moment Thanks all the same Just a nibble It's good, right? Like being suckled by Angela Rippon Just melts in the mouth Listen, Victor I was deeply touched, you know, when you brought that back to me last night Other men would have flushed it down the crapper But Victor? No Listen, how many years now you come into my shop? Doesn't matter Enrico knows Can spot a man of superior intellect Because for me right now is big problem, right? Two nights ago, my wife catch me with her best friend on floor of the shop -behind the counter -Yes, I heard You heard? It's very possible I make plenty of noise But, then, this morning I come home from hospital I know just what to do Get both women together and I tell them it's only one way to choose between them We'll let Victor decide What? We'll let Victor Meldrew make the decision, like judgement of Solomon It's not easy, for sure They are both very beautiful Antonella is a wonderful, wonderful wife But Phyllis You know, wow! Well, Enrico, I haven't Have you thought of writing to one of these people in the paper? I'm sure they can advise you much better than I can, because Anyway, I've got to pop out very shortly to the post office So perhaps I'll just Perhaps I'll just take these and wash them up Hey, Victor, it's fantastic idea, right? Check it out Mimsy Berkowitz ''Am I lost in love ''or seeking solace in sex?'' Whatever my emotional dilemma, Mimsy can help me Maybe write to her She tell me what to do Yes, I think it's for the best, Enrico Now, I'm afraid I've got to go now So, unfortunately, you'll have to Yes Before you go, Victor Do me one tiny favour Oh, hello -Did you make it in time then in the end? -Sorry? -The dental appointment -Oh, yes Sorry, Mr Meldrew, I'm not quite with it yet I'm still a bit spaced out, I think -Oh, right From the anaesthetic? -Hypnosis, actually -Hypnosis? -I know, it's amazing She's Taiwanese She uses, like, this kind of hypnotherapy to put you under, and it's brilliant You don't feel any pain Don't remember any of what happened, anything What's that? A new pair of cufflinks? To be honest, I haven't the faintest idea who it's from or anything -I'll see you around, Mr Meldrew -Right Bye, Katy Take care What are you up to? She's supposed to have done that once this morning ''Supposed to'' is right My God Is that it? -What do you think it is? -I don't know There's nothing on the outside to say who sent it or anything Oh! I'll tell you what I did find when I was out A dentist that might be handy for you know who Apparently there's one that cleaner goes to who uses hypnotism on her patients She puts them under, and they don't feel any pain or anything What in the name of all that's holy! What Where did it come from? That can't possibly be for us Mr and Mrs Meldrew 1 9 Riverbank Well, there must be a letter or a note I mean, what the hell is it for? -Perhaps it's a free gift -A free gift? Oh, hang on There's something written underneath here -What does it say? -It says ''Best before January 2001 '' Sorry, Mr Meldrew, I thought we said 1 0:00 Perhaps I'll just take my own car Oh, you'll do nothing of the kind, Mrs Warboys I'll be with you in just a jiffy Now, if you could get the car out of the garage, that would be one big help Yes Yes, all right Still don't know if it's the answer Hypnotherapy, you know I mean, what if they can't bring me out of a trance? I could turn into a vegetable doing a striptease every time anyone claps their hands Oh This is very lifelike, isn't it? Could almost be real -What? -Of course, I had a talk with my old dentist who said I should definitely give it a try, and he's given me a copy of the X-ray to take along and everything, but What's that? Bad news? Well, I found it in that letter rack ''Mimsy Berkowitz'' Is this Victor's handwri What would he be doing writing to an agony aunt? I don't know There was obviously something on his mind the other night, but My God, you think he's got some girl into trouble? Why ever do you say that? Well, whatever it is, it smacks of dishonesty -Let's see if I can pick it open -No, Jean! If he's got some kind of problem that he feels he can't share with me, that's his lookout I'm sorry Yes, well I'll pop it into the box for you while I'm out ''Dear Mimsy, I have the most terrible problem and need your advice ''Recently I have developed an insane passion for my wife's best friend ''who I now realise I totally worship ''Ever since we shared an intimate moment together a few nights ago, ''I cannot stop thinking about her'' Oh, my God Here we are then Sorry about that All set We're all set Try not to worry about it Everything's going to be absolutely fine (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) -Mrs Warboys -Yes -First time here, yes? -Yes And feeling a bit nervous about it all, if truth be told You say something about a crown, right? Yes Oh, and Mr Spigot gave me this to give to you which will make far more sense to you than it does to me Ah, okay I see It's been giving me such gyp, I can't tell you And I've been saying to myself for weeks I must get this shoulder done, -but you know what it is -Okay Fine First of all, Mrs Warboys, just relax, okay? And keep very, very still Doesn't seem to need a lot of doing, this floor Are you sure you haven't secretly been mopping it all over before I got here? Oh, by the way, thanks for putting us onto that dentist of yours That was just what our friend was looking for Amazing to think they can do that now Give you fillings and everything just with hypnotherapy Oh, no, it's fantastic It's not my dentist, though, who does all that I wish it was Not your dentist? Then who was it you'd just been to see when Victor ran into (PHONE RINGING) Hello, Jackie Tang's Mr Meldrew? Your wife Thank you Hello, yes? Yes, we're still here Yes, I think she should be out at any minute What? You're joking! I'll speak to you later All completed now I hope she will be pleased Er, yes Mrs Warboys Mrs Warboys You excuse me (PHONE RINGING) Mr Meldrew! I'm sorry I'll just get your coat Where in God's name is she? And why did she have to shoot off on her own like that anyway? It doesn't make any sense I've no idea After we came out, she said she had to go to the post office and she was going to come back here on the bus to pick up her car She's been giving me very strange looks all day, come to that Well, when she does get here, you are going to tell her everything God, you've cocked some things up in your time, Victor, but this one takes the biscuit I don't know who was in a bigger trance, her or you MARGARET: Don't tell me that bulb's gone again already No All off now VICTOR: It'll just be the trip switch needs re-setting Do you want me to do it? No, I can manage JEAN: Anyone in? Sorry, it was murder on the buses tonight Oh, Mr Meldrew? -What's going on? -VICTOR: It's all right, Mrs Warboys, come right in No, I'm sorry, I can't stay I just came to collect my keys which I think I left here Yeah, but you're not in a rush, are you? I thought it might be an idea if we just sat down and had a little chat JEAN: Oh, my God, what's that horrible rubbery thing? (SLAPPING) You keep away from me, Mr Meldrew! Help! Help! -Mrs Warboys -No! Oh, God! No! No! Help! Jean? Oh I'll I'll talk to you later Bye Do you ever get the feeling you'd just like to go to sleep and not wake up the next morning? Every night Wouldn't have to worry then Wouldn't have to keep trying to make sense of it all All what? Us This Everything It's like when I was at the hospital the other night I don't know And you see it all there, don't you? The whole thing under one roof Birth Death All the misery in between I remember reading an article once that said, ''All our lives are just a temporary blip ''in the long meaningless void of eternity'' And that we'll never know where we came from or what we're doing here Or why a grown woman would suddenly jam a courgette in the door I mean, it's not even as if she could have mistaken it in the dark for something else (SILENT) (THEATRE AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (THEATRE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) Molly, what the hell did you think he was trying to do? And with a thing like that? Who do you think I'm married to? Champion the Wonder Horse? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Make it a spring onion, we'd be getting closer to the mark Look, we're on the end of a pier They're not gonna be the most demanding house in the world -They're laughing -But the laughter is meaningless You put this in front of people who think, they're gonna ask too many questions Like, ''What the hell was the deal with that giant fly?'' You can't just set up something like that and then never explain it But they never did explain it It just became like this total unsolved mystery -Which is what I love about it -Sorry, Katy There's some interesting stuff here, but bottom line, the writing has to be convincing And end of the day, I'm afraid for me, that's the biggest single problem I don't believe it # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #