Only Fools and Horses (1981) s06e03 Episode Script
Chain Gang
- Wotcher Del Boy.
- Alright, Trig? No Dave? Yeah, he's on his way down later.
He's bringing that bird of his, what's her name Cassandra.
He's going a bit serious, ain't he? No, girls always blow him out after a couple of weeks! That boy's been blown out more times than a windsock.
Trig, don't look now, but you see the bloke at the bar with the bow tie? I said don't look now! - Who, Arnie? - Yeah, Arnie.
D'you know much about him? No, not a lot.
He only moved to the area a few weeks ago.
He seems a nice bloke though.
He's a retired jewellery dealer, ain't he? Yeah, that's what he told me.
He's retired early, though, ain't he? Perhaps he made enough, Del.
Why, you lining something up, then? I dunno, Trig.
It's just that I've been having a few drinks and chats with him over the last couple of weeks and he let slip that even though he retired he still likes to do a bit of private business, all cash and confidentiality, just enough to keep the old tax man at bay.
So I thought I might give him a shove, see what I can pick up.
I heard your firm was broke.
I'm a businessman, I've always got a little bit pugged away for emergencies.
- Anyway, who told you we was broke? - Dave.
Ah, you don't want to take any notice of him.
He's only my financial advisor.
What does he know? Cor, look at these cards,Trig.
I'm not going anywhere at this rate.
- Try these.
- Trig you can't do that! Pay me.
- How's it going? - Oh, hello, Arnie.
Didn't spot you there.
I've only been here about five minutes.
Most of that time spent talking to that doorman.
Otto or whatever his name is.
Yeah? What's up with him then? Ah, nothing.
It's just, y'know, I'm not a member, so I usually drop him a few quid to get in.
Tonight the price has suddenly gone up Yeah.
Listen; if you get yourself a membership form I'll second you if you like.
- Will you really? - Yeah.
- That's very nice of you, Del.
- That's alright.
I'd stand back if I were you.
If you pay nineteens you're laughing.
No, that's not my style, Arnie, not my style.
'He who dares, wins.
' Fancy a drink? Evening, Otto.
Evening, Mr Grayson.
How's business? Well, I've just gone into voluntary liquidation again.
- Oh congratulations, sir.
- Thank you, Otto.
Good luck tonight, Mr Grayson.
Evening, Otto.
Cassandra, I'm just going to have a word with the doorman.
- Is there a problem, Otto? - Members only.
- I am a member.
- Where's your membership card? I appear to have left it at home.
If you give me 20 quid, I'll let you in free! Come on! I am a member, I've been a member for about five years or so.
I 'm afraid I shall have to ask you to leave, sir.
- Where would you like to land? - Come on, what's the prob Oh it's alright, Otto, he's Del Boy's brother.
- Is that right? - Yeah, honest.
Alright then, in that case, have a nice evening, sir.
He's a laugh, old Otto! Always larking about.
So the gravedigger says to the vicar, 'Well, I've got to have somewhere to park me bike!' Listen, I'll see you in a minute, Arnie.
Oh Cassandra, this is my brother, Derek, and Del, this is Cassandra.
Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to meet you.
Rodney's told me all about you but don't worry, I'm not the type to shout it all about.
That's very kind of you, Derek.
Rodney's told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn't believe him - until now.
- I like her! - Yeah.
Well, shall we sit down, Cass? Can I get you a drink, sweetheart? Just a coke and ice, please, I'm driving.
- Right OK.
Rodney you? - Non-alcoholic lager top, please.
So what line of work you in, Cassandra? - I work for a bank.
- Oh really? Do they do loans? - Why don't you leave Cassandra alone? - I'm only being polite.
They do arrange loans - according to status of course.
Well that leaves you out then, don't it? I don't actually work on that side of things.
I'm in overseas investment.
Del does a bit of that.
Albanian watches, Turkish raincoats, that sort of thing.
Would you like me to go and tell Otto what you called him just now? Rodney tells me your dad's in business.
Yes, he's got his own printing workshop.
Oh yeah? What sort is that, family business, passed on sort of? No, there was no silver spoon involved.
He used to live on a council estate around this area.
Oh really? Perhaps I know him.
Oh God! - What's his name? - Parry.
Alan Parry.
Parry Alan Parry.
Yes, little fella, one brown eye, one blue eye, talks with a squint, walks with a stutter.
That's him! Listen, I'm gonna leave you two lovebirds.
And just remember, Cassandra, Rodney tells me everything! Thanks for the warning.
I'm sorry about him, Cass.
Why are you apologizing? I think he's lovely.
- Del? - Yes.
He makes me laugh! Well, yeah, He's alright I suppose.
At times.
Well, I'd better make a move.
Gotta be up early for work in the morning.
I'll be glad when I'm retired like you, Arnie.
Yeah, you can't beat it, Trigger.
Drag yourself out of bed about 11 o'clock just in time to relax for the rest of the day.
You retired a bit early though, didn't you, Arnie? I thought you jewellery dealers were making so much bunce you carried on 'til you dropped.
Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
Keeled over on the floor one day.
Ticker trouble, stress of business.
Doctors gave me six months to live.
Oh yeah? Well, yeah.
Well, you don't wanna take too much notice of these doctors, Arnie.
- They'll say anything to get rid of you.
- This was private.
No, you take that Georgie Collis.
They only gave him six months to live.
He was gutted, weren't he, Trig? Well, upset.
Yeah, then they discovered, of course, that they'd only mixed up his records with another bloke's.
Yeah, but the other bloke only had three months to live! Yeah, I know, I know that Trig, that's not the point, though, is it? I was just trying to say to Arnie that these doctors can make mistakes.
No, you don't understand.
The doctors said I didn't have long to go unless I changed my lifestyle.
That's exactly what I did gave up all the boozing and fags.
Started doing all the little things I hadn't done for years, like walking, breathing some decent air.
Have you any idea of the kind of damage that alcohol and nicotine does to your heart? Same again, Del? No thanks, Bruv, I'll just have a mineral water.
- Arnie? - Mineral water for me too, son.
No, nothing for me, Dave.
I'm off.
I'll see you around, then.
Yeah, see you, Trig.
But the most important thing I ever did, Derek the one thing that changed my life was getting out of the business.
Getting away from all that stress.
I mean you might not believe this, I used to be taut! Really? What was you learning then? Tight, nervous tension! Oh taut.
Oh you mean right oh yes.
Got away from all that now.
Got me little house, got me wife Pat, lovely caring woman, got me boys, Gary and young Steven.
What more could a man ask for? 'And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
' Cheers, bruv.
But you still do a bit, though, don't you? Well, occasionally - with the right sort of person.
Well, basically I'm just getting rid of stuff I've been left with.
Oh right, well you don't forget you know, I am a trader.
- Interested in jewellery? - I'm interested in anything, Arnie.
And you don't mind if it's arrived on the market via an unorthodox route? No of course not.
I do understand that some things have a tendency to, you know, float out of factory windows.
I mean, that's just mother nature innit eh? Are you in a hurry? No, got all the time in the world, Arnie.
You meet me in the back of the car park in an hour's time.
- Yeah, cushty! - Won't be long.
Lovely Jubbly! Well, good night, Del.
Lovely meeting you.
And you too, sweetheart.
And don't forget, I won't say a word.
- Thank you.
- I'll see you in a little while.
Oi, Rodney, where do you think you're going? Cassandra's giving me a lift home.
Ah, it's alright.
Don't bother yourself, sweetheart.
We've got the van here.
Excuse me one moment, while I go and kill him.
What d'you think you're playing at, Derek? I told you I've got a bit of a deal going down here in a little while.
Yeah, and I told you I don't want nothing to do with it.
I know you did, but I gotta meet that Arnie in the back of the car park there, where it's nice and dark! Now I have only just recently met the geezer so I don't know what I'm walking into, so I would appreciate a bit of backup, alright? Yeah, but I wanted to say good night to Cassandra.
Go on, then say good night, and get back here a bit lively! No, I meant Oh bloody 'ell! Oh give me a couple of minutes.
What's happening? I'm gonna drive Del home.
He's drunk.
Drunk? He doesn't look drunk.
No, I know.
It's a bad sign with him.
He hides it well, you see.
But I tell you, you could push him over with one little finger he'd fall flat on his face.
It's a problem of his I had to live with since I was a little kid.
- How sad.
- Yeah, I know, it's tragic.
Still, never mind, eh? Blimey, let the poor girl up for air, Rodney.
Hands Rodney! Sorry.
.
D'you fancy coming out for a meal on Thursday? I thought I'd told you I'm on a week's training course.
Yeah, but you must be able to get a few hours off.
Well, yes, if you fancy flying off to Guernsey.
I'd love to have dinner with you.
Guernsey? You gotta go all the way over to Guernsey? Yes.
I did ask Guernsey if it would like to come to me, but it refused point-blank! I've heard about these company training courses.
They're just an excuse for loads of people to hold an orgy.
- Really? - Please be serious for one moment, Cassandra.
Look, Rodney, if what you've heard is true and all these perfectly staid and boring people suddenly hurl themselves into a pit of carnal abandon, it doesn't mean I have to join in, does it? No, I suppose not.
- There's no 'suppose' about it.
- No, I'm sorry.
You're right.
'Course I'm right.
I mean, I'll take my whip, just in case! - I'll phone you.
- I'll phone you as well.
Better make sure we don't phone at the same time, otherwise we'll both be engaged.
- I love you.
- Do you? And I Come on, Rodney, he's here.
Don't have a nice time, will you? I'll try not to.
- What were you doing with that girl? - I was saying good night.
Saying good night! She had her head in your mouth at one point! You mean you was watching? I couldn't do anything else.
Last time I saw anything like that it was in a circus.
You saucy git! - What's up? - I've got a tickle in me throat.
You've most probably got her wig stuck in it! - Alright? - Hop in the back.
Go on, get in the back Rodney.
Go on, get in the back! - Sorry I'm a bit late.
- That's alright, Arnie.
No problem.
Open that.
- Jeez! - What'd you do, mug Mr T? There's 250 chains there.
Now if it was to go to some poncy Bond Street shop - you know the sort, with plenty of mark up - they'd want 200 quid for each of this.
That's 50 thousand pounds sitting there.
This ain't the result of some raid, is it? No, no.
Nothing like that.
Look, six months ago a client of mine asked me if I could get hold of these sort of things for him for the right price.
Do you know Maxi Stavros? No, I don't.
Oh you're lucky.
Well, he's a nice enough guy, 'til it comes to money.
We agreed on a price and he was gonna pay me 25 grand.
He's got all these contacts in the States, you see; this sort of thing sells very well over there.
It's the English hallmarks, the Yanks love all that.
Anyway, I acquired the goods and I haven't heard from him since.
- You could sue for breach of contract.
- Listen to it, will you? No, son, there's no contract between friends.
It's a man's word, handshake, a gentleman's agreement.
Anyway, Mr Stavros is not the sort of man you'd want to sue.
No, he's never let me down before so I suppose he's got troubles.
But then, so have I.
I can't wait any longer.
I'm gonna have to let these go at half the wholesale price.
That's 50 quid each.
I mean what's the catch? I mean, you said they came on an unorthodox route.
I didn't pay the VAT.
I assumed that they were for retail outside the European Community and therefore would not be liable to VAT.
Now I'm lumbered with 'em.
So what d'you reckon? You still interested? Well, yeah, yeah, I'm interested, yeah.
Well, yeah, I'll take two.
- Two? - Oh alright, three.
No, I'm not running a corner shop, Del.
I'm a dealer.
I buy and sell jewellery in bulk.
The whole lot or none at all.
Yeah, I know that, no, it's just that I meant I'll take two or three as samples to show my clients, you know? Yeah, twelve and a half grand in cash and they're all yours.
Yeah, well, I don't think I've got that sort of money on me at the moment, Arnie.
I can wait.
Look, you sell those round the pubs and the clubs, the worst you do is double your money.
- I'll take 'em.
- Twelve and an 'arf thousand p Subject to a surveyor's report, of course.
Oh, of course.
OK, then listen.
D'you know the Nag's Head in Peckham? I'll find it.
Right, well, I'll see you there tomorrow at one o'clock.
Look after them for me, won't ya? You kicked me! Yes, that's because you've got a big mouth, Rodney.
You nearly gave Arnie the impression that we were small time.
If I can just pull this off, Rodney, I will double my investment.
Del, where you gonna get Well, there's Boycie, he's got a lot of money, likes a gamble.
Mike down the Nag's Head, he knows a bargain when he sees one.
I'll put together a little consortium! What, you mean just hand the whole deal over to them? No, no, no.
I've got some money to put in.
No, Del.
Don't you remember what I told you the other day? Our partnership is virtually broke.
No, Rodney, our partnership is potless.
What I mean is I've got some money to put in.
You How much? Not a lot, it's just you know, - 4,000 pounds? - It's my nest egg.
That's more like a bleedin' ostrich egg! Where did you get that from? It's just been money I've been saving up over the years.
Little bit here, little bit there, y'know.
It soon builds up.
You conning git! You could have done the same thing.
Don't talk to me.
No, you could have done.
No, you could.
Mum said to me on her deathbed, she said, 'Del Boy' - Shut up! - No, she did.
She said "You make sure that Rodney You're back early.
I thought you'd still be at the airport.
No, her plane got off on time.
Where's Del? Well, him and Arnie and the rest of the consortium have gone down the jewelers to have them chains examined.
The rest of the consortium! How many's in it? Well, there's Del, there's Trigger, there's there's Mike, there's that feller Boycie and - there's me.
Of course, there could be more by now.
What's he playing at? He's gone a bit public, ain't he? I've just been down the post office and got my savings out.
Pity you weren't interested, Rodney.
You could have made yourself a nice few bob.
Well, yeah, I suppose I could have, but the thing, is, you see, them chains are part of a VAT rip-off, ain't they? I know, that's why they're so cheap! Do you want a cuppa tea, son? - No, I don't want nothing.
- What's wrong? Nothing.
Everything's fine.
Look, you got her hotel number, give her a call.
No way! She was supposed to phone me at 12.
30 and look.
No, she's probably having a drink and a laugh with all them yuppy sorts from the bank.
She might be in bed, Rodney.
- I mean, sleeping off the jet lag.
- Jet lag? She's only gone to Guernsey! So what the jeweler say? They're pucca, Unc.
They are the real McCoy! Solid gold, 18-carat.
Top-class workman-ship, just like Arnie said.
Oh, we'll double our money on these, have no fear.
Very shrewd move of yours, Rodney, you know, not to get involved in this deal.
Shut up! Here they come, come on lads, come on.
Let's have a little celebration drink, shall we? I think we should discuss the matter in private before we celebrate.
I don't like being premature.
No, Marlene said something about that the other day.
I hope you don't mind, Arnie, but I and the consortium would like to have a little board meeting.
No, no, of course not.
Well, perhaps you'd like to wait in reception.
Get in the kitchen there Arnie, have some tea, help yourself.
There's plenty of egg mayonnaise and tomatoes in the fridge.
No, that's OK, thanks very much.
I think I would prefer it if the gold stayed in the room with us! That's alright Mr.
Boyce, I'd like to keep an eye on it as well.
So if I leave it here, then we can both see it.
Alright? - Perfect.
- Thank you.
Thanks very much Arnie.
Thanks a lot.
What is the matter with you? You're giving Arnie the impression you don't trust him! And he wouldn't be far wrong, would he? I don't even know the man.
He seems a decent enough fella to me, Boycie.
That's right, that's right! He's a solid bloke, right, I can vouch for him.
Well he's played it straight down the line with us.
He said those chains were worth 25k and we've just had it confirmed by an independent jeweler.
So what more d'you want? I want to know how he can afford to sell 'em at 50 per cent less than their whole-sale price.
'Cos he bought 'em a long time ago when the price of gold was down.
Plus he didn't bother to tell those very nice people down at the VAT office.
Alright, here's my seven grand.
Good.
Well done Boycie.
Good boy.
Come on in, Michael, let's see you.
A thousand.
That's it! Good, come on.
I've bin a bit strapped recently, Del.
I could only get £247.
50.
My aunt Reen had to pawn her necklace for that.
Yes, alright, Trig, don't worry, don't worry, mate.
We'll double your money for you.
Come on, Albert, d'you go down the post office? I didn't get as much as I thought, son.
I only got a 189 pound and 26 new pee.
Oh I thought you said that you had over 200 quid odd.
I know.
I miscalculated the interest.
That means that we are 36 pounds and 24 pence short of the target.
Not any more you're not! You can count me in! Oh! Thank God for the Great Gatsby here! Arnie, come on, the board meeting's over.
And have you reached an executive decision? Yes, yes, we have, the deal is on! What a relief! Couldn't stand any more of that tea! - This, gentlemen, is yours! - And here is the old doh-ray-me.
Oh look at that, isn't that sweet? It reminds me of holidays in County Donegal.
Oh, is that a paddy tenpence piece? Oh, I'll change that for you.
Oh don't worry.
I won't bother counting.
I trust you.
That's right, good.
Well, we've all got to learn to trust each other, Arnie.
Don't worry about Boycie.
He's just got his funny little ways.
You ask his missus! Oh that reminds me.
Do you mind if I phone the wife? Yeah, sure, no problem, no problem.
Here, I'll get the phone for you.
'Ere, what about that drink, then, chaps? Celebration drink, eh? - You'll stay for one, aren't you Arnie? - Yeah, a quick one, Del.
Mineral water - something like that.
Rodney, whip out there under the fridge in the kitchen, get the beers.
Well, seeing as how it's a special occasion I think I'll have a little drop of that port.
- Yeah, same here, Del.
- I'll hang on for a beer.
Pat? Yeah, it's me, love yeah.
No, I don't know what time I'll be back.
Soon as I can drag myself away from this bunch of toerags.
Don't wait up for him, Pat, he's probably on a ghoster.
Shut up! She'll think I'm back on the booze.
So how's things at home love? What? No, I can't meet him, no! No, love, I haven't got them any more! Pat, I would not joke about a thing as serious as this.
I've just this minute sold them to Del and his consortium.
But I don't care how much money he's got No, I am not getting excited! Alright, look, I will meet him And I will explain the situation, alright? Alright, I'll call you.
Everything alright, Arnie? You know that client of mine I told you about? Yeah, what, that Mr Stavros or what have ya? Yeah.
He's in London.
He wants to meet me for lunch.
You mean he's come to pick up the chains? Yes.
Ironic innit? He's got 25 grand in cash to give me and I've just let 'em go for 12 and a half! What's all this about, then? Well, about six months ago Arnie made a deal on these chains with some international jeweler mush.
So they weren't yours to sell in the first place? No, no, they belonged to me.
No, Mr Stavros never actually gave me any money for them.
But he's an odd sort of person.
Once you've shaken on the deal, as far as he's concerned they're his property, and now he's come to collect.
And he is given to bouts of mindless violence, ain't he? Very, very nasty.
If he wants a war, we'll give him one! Won't we? I don't like the sound of that! Oh don't worry, Albert, there won't be many naval engagements in this one.
Well, look.
Why don't we sell the chains back to Arnie - with a small profit, of course.
- Are you off your trolley? - We'll still be making a bit each, Boycie.
We can double our money on these things! Yeah, but Stavros is gonna give Arnie a bad time, ain't he? I don't care if he redecorates Regent Street with Arnie! This is business! No, I have every sympathy for Arnie's predicament, but at the end of the day it's a bit like Mike's pub grub - tough! I don't believe you sometimes.
I just don't believe you.
You call yourself a businessman? You're missing the most important point of the whole situation! There is a man in London who wants to buy He is willing to pay twenty five thousand pounds, with cash on the hip.
But Arnie doesn't have them any more we do! So what you saying, Del? Blimey! Give me a piece of chalk, somebody, will ya? What I'm trying to say is: why don't we ask Arnie to keep his lunch appointment with this man, and sell them chains for us? For which we will give Arnie two grand for his trouble? That way Stavros gets the goods at the agreed price.
Arnie gets a deuce in bunce, plus he keeps his kneecaps where nature intended.
And our consortium gets - Everyone's a winner! Apres moi, le deluge.
- I like the sound of that, Del.
Yeah, it's not a bad idea, Del.
Arnie, where is this, where is this restaurant of yours? It's a liitle place off the King's Road.
I'd better get my skates on.
I think it would be a good idea if we came with you, don't you, Arnie? Yeah, he's right.
I mean, you don't wanna go walking across the estate with a case full of gold, do you? Not on your own, anyway.
Fair enough.
Well, let's get going.
We haven't got long.
'Ere, Trig, don't let him out of your sight.
Come on, Albert, get that down ya and get in the van.
Come on, let's go.
Oh come on, Cassandra, ring! Well, I ain't phoning you, if that's what you think.
I'm a man.
May I help you, sir? I'm expecting to meet Mr Stavros here.
I wonder if he's booked? Mr Stavros.
Yes, he has booked a table.
I'm afraid the gentleman hasn't arrived yet.
- Would you care to wait at the table? - Yes.
Portare il signore.
- Yes, gentlemen? - A table for two, please.
- Have you booked? - No, we haven't.
- I'm afraid we are very crowded at the moment.
- This might make a bit of room.
Of course, grazie! Enrico, numero duo pere siniori.
Why didn't you sit that side? 'Cos I wouldn't be able to see Arnie then.
Why, what's the matter? It's just we're both sitting on the same side.
Sort of next to each other - So? - So it might look a bit funny.
- What d'you mean? - People might think that we're a bit funny.
Why don't you go and sit on the other side then? 'Cos I wanna keep me eye on Arnie, don't I? - So do I! - Yes, I now.
But it's my consortium! - I put most of the money in! - But it was my idea! Nice to see you again, sir.
Get your hand off mine! I said, get your hand off mine! People'll think we're a couple of woofters or something! They can think what they like! I've got 7 grand sitting up there and that's all I'm concerned with! Do you reckon it'll turn violent in there? - I don't care if it does! - No? No, this is a fast car.
What's he doing, Rodney? What do you mean, what's he doing? You can see what he's doing! - He's sitting in the window there reading a menu! - It's a bit suspicious, innit? What? A bloke sitting in a restaurant reading a menu - yeah, very iffy! Could you get me a glass of water, please.
I feel rather hot.
- Would you care to order now, sir? - Yes, I'd like an ambulance.
An ambulance, sir? Yes, an ambulance, I'm not very well.
Yes sir.
Telefono per una ambulanza, presto! Are you alright, sir? - What's happened? - It's Arnie! He's had a connery! So, what are we gonna do? I don't know! I think you have to pump their chests or something.
I'm talking about our bloody money and chains! Well, there's nothing we can do at now, is there? My money and my gold ain't going to no national health hospital! The entire kitchen staff'll be off to Miami if it does! - What you gonna do? - Watch! Don't panic! I am a doctor.
Stand aside, stand aside.
Let the dog see the rabbit.
Oh yes, very nasty.
He needs an operation! He's not a doctor! He's mugging the poor man! - Call the police! - Yes, madam, I call the police.
Alright, there'll be no need.
I am an officer of the law! - I thought they were taller than that.
- I'm a small town policeman.
Do you get the impression all is not going according to plan? OK, sunshine, you are nicked! Come on, out you go! Rest assured, madam, when we get him down the police station we'll give him a bloody good hiding.
Come on you, out! - What happened? - Arnie's had a connery.
You mean he's dead? No, no, he's still alive.
The ambulance got here just in time.
So where's the money and the gold? Where do you think it is? It's in Arnie's holdall! Why did you make us leave the restaurant? Because they've just called the Old Bill.
Arnie's got seven and 'arf grand of your unlaundered money.
Plus a case full of gold from a VAT fraud! Do you want to tell the police that it's really yours? Why didn't you try and get the case off his wrist? You tried that - didn't you? - and you got a punch in the nose and a whack over your head for your trouble.
- What do you think I am, a wally or something? - So how we gonna get it back? It's alright.
We'll go to the hospital.
All we gotta do is find out what time the visiting hours are.
It'll be cushty! We don't know which hospital they're taking him to.
We'll follow 'em.
Mike, your car's pretty nippy.
You do the following.
Right, mate.
I don't believe it, I've been clamped! Rodney, follow that ambulance! What a plonker! Right, I'm gonna make a couple of phone calls, Del.
Leave that phone alone, Michael.
No one touches it.
I've just been clamped! I've got to phone the authorities, sort it all out.
Look, I'm expecting a very important phone call any minute now from Rodney or Arnie or the hospital.
You just sort your car out tomorrow.
- What's good for a broke nose? - A baseball bat, knuckleduster.
I mean, my nose might be broken! Will you shut up going on about your hooter? Or I'll ram this up for a splint! Rodney, good boy! What's happened? We followed the ambulance down to St Stephen's Hospital.
St Stephen's Hospital.
Right, now we know where to visit.
- No, that's where we lost 'em! - You lost 'em? Yep, they just went straight down the Fulham Road.
Oh Gordon Blue! I mean, how could you possibly lose an ambulance! It's a ruddy great big white thing with a flashing blue light on the top! And in case your peepers ain't too clever, it makes a sound like an air-raid siren! It can also go straight through red lights! So what we going to do now eh? All our money and our gold is lying in some matron's office.
It's alright, Boycie, don't worry.
Listen, we'll we'll phone every hospital and ask if he's there.
No, no, no.
Hospitals won't give you that sort of information over the phone.
Alright.
Well, we'll drive round them all, then! Well, that's gonna take forever.
There must be 25 hospitals in London.
Oh thank Gawd for the Tory Party, otherwise there could have been 30! Albert, answer that! If that is Rodney's girlfriend, tell her to phone back later! Look, it doesn't matter how long it takes as long as we find him, does it? Del, it's some Indian doctor from Arnie's ward! Well, tell him I haven't got time to talk to him now, I'm trying to find out - Get on that phone! - Don't let him ring off! Hello doctor.
Yes, this is he.
Arnie yes, Arnold! Yes Oh yes, I knew the deceased very well we deceased? - Do you mean to say that he is dead? - Oh I love him! I just love him! - Yes, it has, it's come as a very nasty shock.
- What about our loot? Doctor, I wondered.
Arnie had about his person a couple of little keepsakes of mine.
I wondered if you had found them It's 25018-carat gold chains and 12,500 grand in used notes.
His widow has taken all his belongings? I just wondered if you could give me her address.
No no, I am a personal friend of theirs it's just that they moved recently, you see and I wanted to make sure she got hold of me about the funeral arrangements.
I know you're not supposed to give out addresses to any Tom, Dick or Harry but this is different Doctor, look, I'll give you a good drink! No Don't hang up.
He's hung up.
- Did he give you her address? - He said he couldn't, it's confidential! - How are we going to find her, then? - I don't know yet! I could go down to the town hall and find his name on the electoral register.
Well done, Rodders, good thinking.
No! He only moved here recently from Lambeth.
He wouldn't be on the list yet.
You dipstick! Well, alright, I'll go down to Lambeth Town Hall, then.
- Well done Rodney! Go on, go to Lambeth.
- Right.
Arnold what? What's his surname? Dunno.
I never caught his surname! Well, does it matter? Well, of course it matters! They're not gonna be down on the electoral registers as 'Arnie and Pat' are they? This is something else! The One Eleven Club! They'll have his full name and address on his membership form! - No, no.
He wasn't a member.
- I've got an idea.
- The phone! - Oh God! He's hearing things now! Arnie was the last one to dial out on this phone! He called his wife.
At their house, remember? So what? This phone's gotta redial button.
If you press that you'll get straight through to Arnie's house.
How we gonna explain it to her eh? It looks a bit bad turning up just before the funeral laying claim to most of his estate! No, it's alright.
Arnie told her that he'd sold the chains to Del.
So there'll be no problem! Wait a minute! Sshh! Hello? Hello, hello? I'm awfully sorry to bother you in your hour of darkness, but I was a friend of Arnie's and I was just wondering sorry? Oh, oh sorry, sorry.
Beg your pardon.
Sorry to have bothered you.
Bye! Strange, innit? I've just got through to the Highcliffe ruddy Hotel, Guernsey! Sorry, Del.
Look, I only called to see whether Cassandra got there safely.
And that's it, innit? We've done our money and it's vanished into thin air! I am going to see if I can buy myself a little doll that looks something like you.
And then I'm going to burn it! Keep your chin up! Boycie just keep your chin up! I am going to get my car unclamped, Del.
Thanks for everything.
Michael don't give up.
Please don't give up.
Remember what Churchill said, you know, he said up the Alamo! I'm sorry, Trig, that your aunt Reen had to pawn her necklace.
Shall I give her a ring and explain? Oh no, don't do that, Del.
She doesn't know she's pawned it yet! So how was it? The hotel was horrible, the weather was lousy, the food was rotten and the people were boring.
Oh good.
- And you were right.
Some of them did hold an orgy.
- You're kidding? No, honestly.
I stayed for about an hour and then I got fed up.
Oh no, I hate this sort of thing What's the matter, Rodney? You look like you've seen a ghost.
He done us in South-East London.
Rodney saw him in South-West London.
He's doing it all over town! Yeah You'd think he'd be taking things easy in his condition, wouldn't you? There's nothing wrong with him.
I mean, he's not a sick man, is he? I mean, he's a conman! - So you don't reckon he's really ill? - That is what I suspect.
- Alright, lads? What's going? - Oh hiya, Denzil.
- Wanna drink? - Er, no, I'm alright.
Can I get you one? Can I join you? No, it's a bit awkward at the moment, Denzil, you know.
We are in conference.
- We're in conference.
- I thought we was having a chat.
Listen, Del, I haven't got long.
I've got the truck outside.
I'm off to Germany.
We'll be bringing a load back.
Oh well, that's alright, then, Denzil.
Go on, have a nice trip.
Are you ill or something? I've just said I'm going to Germany and I will be bringing a load back and you haven't even asked what it is! Yes, I know, Denzil.
But I'm a bit busy at the moment, y'know.
I'll talk to you later.
- See you do.
I might have a deal for you.
- Yeah, alright, mate.
See you in a minute.
- Boycie, eh? Got time for a chat? - Some other time, Denzil.
Some other time.
- Mike - See the barmaid, Denzil.
I'm busy.
Rodney, how's it going? Yeah, bit tied up at the moment, Denzil.
I'll talk to you later, alright? Rodney, why are people ignoring me? What have I done to them? Nothing, nothing.
It's just there's a bit of heavy stuff going down at the moment.
Oh by the way, Denzil, this is Cassandra, my - Choose your words carefully, Rodney.
- My friend.
And Cassandra, this is Denzil.
- Nice to meet you.
- You too.
Right.
Well, I'll leave you two to have a little chat, then.
See you later.
Come on, hurry up, sit down, Rodney.
Sit down.
But I was under the impression that Arnie was a good family man.
I mean, all he ever spoke of was his wife, Gary and young Steven.
Yes, I know, and I'm under the impression that Gary and young Steven are about six foot tall and they like to dress up as ambulance men.
What, you mean it's their ambulance? No, can't be, Del.
Remember when Arnie come over bad in the restaurant? It was the staff that phoned for the ambulance.
- Yeah, and didn't it arrive quick? - Yeah! Come to mention it, it was a bit lively.
Anyway, I phoned that restaurant this afternoon and the manager told me that 10 minutes after Arnie's ambulance arrived, another one turned up.
The real one.
We reckon they do it with split-second timing, right.
At one o'clock Arnie does his dying swan act.
And at 3 minutes past 1 his boys turn up in their ambulance, then it's off into the wild blue yonder.
No one's gonna question a couple of medical orderlies, are they? Carrying a sick man out of a restaurant? - And no one can follow the ambulance because - It goes through red lights! And you can pick up these old ambulances for next to nothing anywhere.
I know, it's beautiful, innit? Beautiful.
- So what's Mr Stavros got to do with it all? - Mr Stavros don't exist, Trig.
Well, Arnie seemed to know him pretty well.
No, he only did that.
He invented him, didn't he? Just to get us on the It still doesn't get me my money back.
I'm sitting here still convalescing from open wallet surgery.
At least we know that Arnie and the dough are still out there somewhere.
It gives us half a chance.
I have put the word about that I am looking for some gold chains.
- I'm off you guys, I'll see you later.
- Yeah, see you, Denzil.
- Nice talking to you, Cassandra.
- You too, Denzil.
Safe trip.
I bring this meeting to a conclusion, gentlemen.
All I can say is: just keep your ears to the ground, right? Trig, that just means listen out; it doesn't mean get on your hands and knees Come on, Rodney, let's go.
See you, chaps.
Sorry to leave you talking to a total stranger.
Don't worry, Rodney.
Even strangers can be fun I found that out in Guernsey.
Look at his face, now look, look, he looks as though he's sucked on a lemon! Anyway, that Denzil's a nice bloke, though, ain't he? He left a message.
He heard that you were interested in buying some gold chains.
- Oh not more gold-plated Mickey Mouse gear.
- Apparently on of his brothers, Carl is it? Yeah, the one who lives in Bethnal Green.
Apparently he's met some guy in a casino, a retired jeweler or something, who's got 200 and Yes, 250 gold chains for sale and Denzil and his brothers are buying them.
- Where is Denzil now? - He's just left.
Denzil, don't buy them! No, you're gonna have to shout louder than that, Del.
He's half way to Germany! Denzil, nicht buying them! - Can you see Dad? - Yeah, he's in position.
About another four minutes.
Right.
And this time you make the phone call.
It's always me who has to pretend to be the hospital doctor.
'Did you know the deceased very well'? OK, I'll do it.
I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well.
Could you get me an ambulance? Wonderful! What's wrong, Arnie? You don't look too well! - What's up? - Ambulance come, he gone! Wotcha fellas.
- What's happening? - Get in! Now take it easy, fellas.
I can explain everything.
- We're not looking for explanations.
It's all very clear.
- At least let's have a chat.
Funnily enough, there was one or 12,500 things we wanted to talk to you about.
- Try this, Del Boy.
- Thank you, doctor.
You don't need that to cut the chain off.
I've got the key.
Who said anything about cutting the chain off? Calm down, Arnie, calm down.
You'll give yourself a heart attack!
- Alright, Trig? No Dave? Yeah, he's on his way down later.
He's bringing that bird of his, what's her name Cassandra.
He's going a bit serious, ain't he? No, girls always blow him out after a couple of weeks! That boy's been blown out more times than a windsock.
Trig, don't look now, but you see the bloke at the bar with the bow tie? I said don't look now! - Who, Arnie? - Yeah, Arnie.
D'you know much about him? No, not a lot.
He only moved to the area a few weeks ago.
He seems a nice bloke though.
He's a retired jewellery dealer, ain't he? Yeah, that's what he told me.
He's retired early, though, ain't he? Perhaps he made enough, Del.
Why, you lining something up, then? I dunno, Trig.
It's just that I've been having a few drinks and chats with him over the last couple of weeks and he let slip that even though he retired he still likes to do a bit of private business, all cash and confidentiality, just enough to keep the old tax man at bay.
So I thought I might give him a shove, see what I can pick up.
I heard your firm was broke.
I'm a businessman, I've always got a little bit pugged away for emergencies.
- Anyway, who told you we was broke? - Dave.
Ah, you don't want to take any notice of him.
He's only my financial advisor.
What does he know? Cor, look at these cards,Trig.
I'm not going anywhere at this rate.
- Try these.
- Trig you can't do that! Pay me.
- How's it going? - Oh, hello, Arnie.
Didn't spot you there.
I've only been here about five minutes.
Most of that time spent talking to that doorman.
Otto or whatever his name is.
Yeah? What's up with him then? Ah, nothing.
It's just, y'know, I'm not a member, so I usually drop him a few quid to get in.
Tonight the price has suddenly gone up Yeah.
Listen; if you get yourself a membership form I'll second you if you like.
- Will you really? - Yeah.
- That's very nice of you, Del.
- That's alright.
I'd stand back if I were you.
If you pay nineteens you're laughing.
No, that's not my style, Arnie, not my style.
'He who dares, wins.
' Fancy a drink? Evening, Otto.
Evening, Mr Grayson.
How's business? Well, I've just gone into voluntary liquidation again.
- Oh congratulations, sir.
- Thank you, Otto.
Good luck tonight, Mr Grayson.
Evening, Otto.
Cassandra, I'm just going to have a word with the doorman.
- Is there a problem, Otto? - Members only.
- I am a member.
- Where's your membership card? I appear to have left it at home.
If you give me 20 quid, I'll let you in free! Come on! I am a member, I've been a member for about five years or so.
I 'm afraid I shall have to ask you to leave, sir.
- Where would you like to land? - Come on, what's the prob Oh it's alright, Otto, he's Del Boy's brother.
- Is that right? - Yeah, honest.
Alright then, in that case, have a nice evening, sir.
He's a laugh, old Otto! Always larking about.
So the gravedigger says to the vicar, 'Well, I've got to have somewhere to park me bike!' Listen, I'll see you in a minute, Arnie.
Oh Cassandra, this is my brother, Derek, and Del, this is Cassandra.
Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to meet you.
Rodney's told me all about you but don't worry, I'm not the type to shout it all about.
That's very kind of you, Derek.
Rodney's told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn't believe him - until now.
- I like her! - Yeah.
Well, shall we sit down, Cass? Can I get you a drink, sweetheart? Just a coke and ice, please, I'm driving.
- Right OK.
Rodney you? - Non-alcoholic lager top, please.
So what line of work you in, Cassandra? - I work for a bank.
- Oh really? Do they do loans? - Why don't you leave Cassandra alone? - I'm only being polite.
They do arrange loans - according to status of course.
Well that leaves you out then, don't it? I don't actually work on that side of things.
I'm in overseas investment.
Del does a bit of that.
Albanian watches, Turkish raincoats, that sort of thing.
Would you like me to go and tell Otto what you called him just now? Rodney tells me your dad's in business.
Yes, he's got his own printing workshop.
Oh yeah? What sort is that, family business, passed on sort of? No, there was no silver spoon involved.
He used to live on a council estate around this area.
Oh really? Perhaps I know him.
Oh God! - What's his name? - Parry.
Alan Parry.
Parry Alan Parry.
Yes, little fella, one brown eye, one blue eye, talks with a squint, walks with a stutter.
That's him! Listen, I'm gonna leave you two lovebirds.
And just remember, Cassandra, Rodney tells me everything! Thanks for the warning.
I'm sorry about him, Cass.
Why are you apologizing? I think he's lovely.
- Del? - Yes.
He makes me laugh! Well, yeah, He's alright I suppose.
At times.
Well, I'd better make a move.
Gotta be up early for work in the morning.
I'll be glad when I'm retired like you, Arnie.
Yeah, you can't beat it, Trigger.
Drag yourself out of bed about 11 o'clock just in time to relax for the rest of the day.
You retired a bit early though, didn't you, Arnie? I thought you jewellery dealers were making so much bunce you carried on 'til you dropped.
Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
Keeled over on the floor one day.
Ticker trouble, stress of business.
Doctors gave me six months to live.
Oh yeah? Well, yeah.
Well, you don't wanna take too much notice of these doctors, Arnie.
- They'll say anything to get rid of you.
- This was private.
No, you take that Georgie Collis.
They only gave him six months to live.
He was gutted, weren't he, Trig? Well, upset.
Yeah, then they discovered, of course, that they'd only mixed up his records with another bloke's.
Yeah, but the other bloke only had three months to live! Yeah, I know, I know that Trig, that's not the point, though, is it? I was just trying to say to Arnie that these doctors can make mistakes.
No, you don't understand.
The doctors said I didn't have long to go unless I changed my lifestyle.
That's exactly what I did gave up all the boozing and fags.
Started doing all the little things I hadn't done for years, like walking, breathing some decent air.
Have you any idea of the kind of damage that alcohol and nicotine does to your heart? Same again, Del? No thanks, Bruv, I'll just have a mineral water.
- Arnie? - Mineral water for me too, son.
No, nothing for me, Dave.
I'm off.
I'll see you around, then.
Yeah, see you, Trig.
But the most important thing I ever did, Derek the one thing that changed my life was getting out of the business.
Getting away from all that stress.
I mean you might not believe this, I used to be taut! Really? What was you learning then? Tight, nervous tension! Oh taut.
Oh you mean right oh yes.
Got away from all that now.
Got me little house, got me wife Pat, lovely caring woman, got me boys, Gary and young Steven.
What more could a man ask for? 'And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
' Cheers, bruv.
But you still do a bit, though, don't you? Well, occasionally - with the right sort of person.
Well, basically I'm just getting rid of stuff I've been left with.
Oh right, well you don't forget you know, I am a trader.
- Interested in jewellery? - I'm interested in anything, Arnie.
And you don't mind if it's arrived on the market via an unorthodox route? No of course not.
I do understand that some things have a tendency to, you know, float out of factory windows.
I mean, that's just mother nature innit eh? Are you in a hurry? No, got all the time in the world, Arnie.
You meet me in the back of the car park in an hour's time.
- Yeah, cushty! - Won't be long.
Lovely Jubbly! Well, good night, Del.
Lovely meeting you.
And you too, sweetheart.
And don't forget, I won't say a word.
- Thank you.
- I'll see you in a little while.
Oi, Rodney, where do you think you're going? Cassandra's giving me a lift home.
Ah, it's alright.
Don't bother yourself, sweetheart.
We've got the van here.
Excuse me one moment, while I go and kill him.
What d'you think you're playing at, Derek? I told you I've got a bit of a deal going down here in a little while.
Yeah, and I told you I don't want nothing to do with it.
I know you did, but I gotta meet that Arnie in the back of the car park there, where it's nice and dark! Now I have only just recently met the geezer so I don't know what I'm walking into, so I would appreciate a bit of backup, alright? Yeah, but I wanted to say good night to Cassandra.
Go on, then say good night, and get back here a bit lively! No, I meant Oh bloody 'ell! Oh give me a couple of minutes.
What's happening? I'm gonna drive Del home.
He's drunk.
Drunk? He doesn't look drunk.
No, I know.
It's a bad sign with him.
He hides it well, you see.
But I tell you, you could push him over with one little finger he'd fall flat on his face.
It's a problem of his I had to live with since I was a little kid.
- How sad.
- Yeah, I know, it's tragic.
Still, never mind, eh? Blimey, let the poor girl up for air, Rodney.
Hands Rodney! Sorry.
.
D'you fancy coming out for a meal on Thursday? I thought I'd told you I'm on a week's training course.
Yeah, but you must be able to get a few hours off.
Well, yes, if you fancy flying off to Guernsey.
I'd love to have dinner with you.
Guernsey? You gotta go all the way over to Guernsey? Yes.
I did ask Guernsey if it would like to come to me, but it refused point-blank! I've heard about these company training courses.
They're just an excuse for loads of people to hold an orgy.
- Really? - Please be serious for one moment, Cassandra.
Look, Rodney, if what you've heard is true and all these perfectly staid and boring people suddenly hurl themselves into a pit of carnal abandon, it doesn't mean I have to join in, does it? No, I suppose not.
- There's no 'suppose' about it.
- No, I'm sorry.
You're right.
'Course I'm right.
I mean, I'll take my whip, just in case! - I'll phone you.
- I'll phone you as well.
Better make sure we don't phone at the same time, otherwise we'll both be engaged.
- I love you.
- Do you? And I Come on, Rodney, he's here.
Don't have a nice time, will you? I'll try not to.
- What were you doing with that girl? - I was saying good night.
Saying good night! She had her head in your mouth at one point! You mean you was watching? I couldn't do anything else.
Last time I saw anything like that it was in a circus.
You saucy git! - What's up? - I've got a tickle in me throat.
You've most probably got her wig stuck in it! - Alright? - Hop in the back.
Go on, get in the back Rodney.
Go on, get in the back! - Sorry I'm a bit late.
- That's alright, Arnie.
No problem.
Open that.
- Jeez! - What'd you do, mug Mr T? There's 250 chains there.
Now if it was to go to some poncy Bond Street shop - you know the sort, with plenty of mark up - they'd want 200 quid for each of this.
That's 50 thousand pounds sitting there.
This ain't the result of some raid, is it? No, no.
Nothing like that.
Look, six months ago a client of mine asked me if I could get hold of these sort of things for him for the right price.
Do you know Maxi Stavros? No, I don't.
Oh you're lucky.
Well, he's a nice enough guy, 'til it comes to money.
We agreed on a price and he was gonna pay me 25 grand.
He's got all these contacts in the States, you see; this sort of thing sells very well over there.
It's the English hallmarks, the Yanks love all that.
Anyway, I acquired the goods and I haven't heard from him since.
- You could sue for breach of contract.
- Listen to it, will you? No, son, there's no contract between friends.
It's a man's word, handshake, a gentleman's agreement.
Anyway, Mr Stavros is not the sort of man you'd want to sue.
No, he's never let me down before so I suppose he's got troubles.
But then, so have I.
I can't wait any longer.
I'm gonna have to let these go at half the wholesale price.
That's 50 quid each.
I mean what's the catch? I mean, you said they came on an unorthodox route.
I didn't pay the VAT.
I assumed that they were for retail outside the European Community and therefore would not be liable to VAT.
Now I'm lumbered with 'em.
So what d'you reckon? You still interested? Well, yeah, yeah, I'm interested, yeah.
Well, yeah, I'll take two.
- Two? - Oh alright, three.
No, I'm not running a corner shop, Del.
I'm a dealer.
I buy and sell jewellery in bulk.
The whole lot or none at all.
Yeah, I know that, no, it's just that I meant I'll take two or three as samples to show my clients, you know? Yeah, twelve and a half grand in cash and they're all yours.
Yeah, well, I don't think I've got that sort of money on me at the moment, Arnie.
I can wait.
Look, you sell those round the pubs and the clubs, the worst you do is double your money.
- I'll take 'em.
- Twelve and an 'arf thousand p Subject to a surveyor's report, of course.
Oh, of course.
OK, then listen.
D'you know the Nag's Head in Peckham? I'll find it.
Right, well, I'll see you there tomorrow at one o'clock.
Look after them for me, won't ya? You kicked me! Yes, that's because you've got a big mouth, Rodney.
You nearly gave Arnie the impression that we were small time.
If I can just pull this off, Rodney, I will double my investment.
Del, where you gonna get Well, there's Boycie, he's got a lot of money, likes a gamble.
Mike down the Nag's Head, he knows a bargain when he sees one.
I'll put together a little consortium! What, you mean just hand the whole deal over to them? No, no, no.
I've got some money to put in.
No, Del.
Don't you remember what I told you the other day? Our partnership is virtually broke.
No, Rodney, our partnership is potless.
What I mean is I've got some money to put in.
You How much? Not a lot, it's just you know, - 4,000 pounds? - It's my nest egg.
That's more like a bleedin' ostrich egg! Where did you get that from? It's just been money I've been saving up over the years.
Little bit here, little bit there, y'know.
It soon builds up.
You conning git! You could have done the same thing.
Don't talk to me.
No, you could have done.
No, you could.
Mum said to me on her deathbed, she said, 'Del Boy' - Shut up! - No, she did.
She said "You make sure that Rodney You're back early.
I thought you'd still be at the airport.
No, her plane got off on time.
Where's Del? Well, him and Arnie and the rest of the consortium have gone down the jewelers to have them chains examined.
The rest of the consortium! How many's in it? Well, there's Del, there's Trigger, there's there's Mike, there's that feller Boycie and - there's me.
Of course, there could be more by now.
What's he playing at? He's gone a bit public, ain't he? I've just been down the post office and got my savings out.
Pity you weren't interested, Rodney.
You could have made yourself a nice few bob.
Well, yeah, I suppose I could have, but the thing, is, you see, them chains are part of a VAT rip-off, ain't they? I know, that's why they're so cheap! Do you want a cuppa tea, son? - No, I don't want nothing.
- What's wrong? Nothing.
Everything's fine.
Look, you got her hotel number, give her a call.
No way! She was supposed to phone me at 12.
30 and look.
No, she's probably having a drink and a laugh with all them yuppy sorts from the bank.
She might be in bed, Rodney.
- I mean, sleeping off the jet lag.
- Jet lag? She's only gone to Guernsey! So what the jeweler say? They're pucca, Unc.
They are the real McCoy! Solid gold, 18-carat.
Top-class workman-ship, just like Arnie said.
Oh, we'll double our money on these, have no fear.
Very shrewd move of yours, Rodney, you know, not to get involved in this deal.
Shut up! Here they come, come on lads, come on.
Let's have a little celebration drink, shall we? I think we should discuss the matter in private before we celebrate.
I don't like being premature.
No, Marlene said something about that the other day.
I hope you don't mind, Arnie, but I and the consortium would like to have a little board meeting.
No, no, of course not.
Well, perhaps you'd like to wait in reception.
Get in the kitchen there Arnie, have some tea, help yourself.
There's plenty of egg mayonnaise and tomatoes in the fridge.
No, that's OK, thanks very much.
I think I would prefer it if the gold stayed in the room with us! That's alright Mr.
Boyce, I'd like to keep an eye on it as well.
So if I leave it here, then we can both see it.
Alright? - Perfect.
- Thank you.
Thanks very much Arnie.
Thanks a lot.
What is the matter with you? You're giving Arnie the impression you don't trust him! And he wouldn't be far wrong, would he? I don't even know the man.
He seems a decent enough fella to me, Boycie.
That's right, that's right! He's a solid bloke, right, I can vouch for him.
Well he's played it straight down the line with us.
He said those chains were worth 25k and we've just had it confirmed by an independent jeweler.
So what more d'you want? I want to know how he can afford to sell 'em at 50 per cent less than their whole-sale price.
'Cos he bought 'em a long time ago when the price of gold was down.
Plus he didn't bother to tell those very nice people down at the VAT office.
Alright, here's my seven grand.
Good.
Well done Boycie.
Good boy.
Come on in, Michael, let's see you.
A thousand.
That's it! Good, come on.
I've bin a bit strapped recently, Del.
I could only get £247.
50.
My aunt Reen had to pawn her necklace for that.
Yes, alright, Trig, don't worry, don't worry, mate.
We'll double your money for you.
Come on, Albert, d'you go down the post office? I didn't get as much as I thought, son.
I only got a 189 pound and 26 new pee.
Oh I thought you said that you had over 200 quid odd.
I know.
I miscalculated the interest.
That means that we are 36 pounds and 24 pence short of the target.
Not any more you're not! You can count me in! Oh! Thank God for the Great Gatsby here! Arnie, come on, the board meeting's over.
And have you reached an executive decision? Yes, yes, we have, the deal is on! What a relief! Couldn't stand any more of that tea! - This, gentlemen, is yours! - And here is the old doh-ray-me.
Oh look at that, isn't that sweet? It reminds me of holidays in County Donegal.
Oh, is that a paddy tenpence piece? Oh, I'll change that for you.
Oh don't worry.
I won't bother counting.
I trust you.
That's right, good.
Well, we've all got to learn to trust each other, Arnie.
Don't worry about Boycie.
He's just got his funny little ways.
You ask his missus! Oh that reminds me.
Do you mind if I phone the wife? Yeah, sure, no problem, no problem.
Here, I'll get the phone for you.
'Ere, what about that drink, then, chaps? Celebration drink, eh? - You'll stay for one, aren't you Arnie? - Yeah, a quick one, Del.
Mineral water - something like that.
Rodney, whip out there under the fridge in the kitchen, get the beers.
Well, seeing as how it's a special occasion I think I'll have a little drop of that port.
- Yeah, same here, Del.
- I'll hang on for a beer.
Pat? Yeah, it's me, love yeah.
No, I don't know what time I'll be back.
Soon as I can drag myself away from this bunch of toerags.
Don't wait up for him, Pat, he's probably on a ghoster.
Shut up! She'll think I'm back on the booze.
So how's things at home love? What? No, I can't meet him, no! No, love, I haven't got them any more! Pat, I would not joke about a thing as serious as this.
I've just this minute sold them to Del and his consortium.
But I don't care how much money he's got No, I am not getting excited! Alright, look, I will meet him And I will explain the situation, alright? Alright, I'll call you.
Everything alright, Arnie? You know that client of mine I told you about? Yeah, what, that Mr Stavros or what have ya? Yeah.
He's in London.
He wants to meet me for lunch.
You mean he's come to pick up the chains? Yes.
Ironic innit? He's got 25 grand in cash to give me and I've just let 'em go for 12 and a half! What's all this about, then? Well, about six months ago Arnie made a deal on these chains with some international jeweler mush.
So they weren't yours to sell in the first place? No, no, they belonged to me.
No, Mr Stavros never actually gave me any money for them.
But he's an odd sort of person.
Once you've shaken on the deal, as far as he's concerned they're his property, and now he's come to collect.
And he is given to bouts of mindless violence, ain't he? Very, very nasty.
If he wants a war, we'll give him one! Won't we? I don't like the sound of that! Oh don't worry, Albert, there won't be many naval engagements in this one.
Well, look.
Why don't we sell the chains back to Arnie - with a small profit, of course.
- Are you off your trolley? - We'll still be making a bit each, Boycie.
We can double our money on these things! Yeah, but Stavros is gonna give Arnie a bad time, ain't he? I don't care if he redecorates Regent Street with Arnie! This is business! No, I have every sympathy for Arnie's predicament, but at the end of the day it's a bit like Mike's pub grub - tough! I don't believe you sometimes.
I just don't believe you.
You call yourself a businessman? You're missing the most important point of the whole situation! There is a man in London who wants to buy He is willing to pay twenty five thousand pounds, with cash on the hip.
But Arnie doesn't have them any more we do! So what you saying, Del? Blimey! Give me a piece of chalk, somebody, will ya? What I'm trying to say is: why don't we ask Arnie to keep his lunch appointment with this man, and sell them chains for us? For which we will give Arnie two grand for his trouble? That way Stavros gets the goods at the agreed price.
Arnie gets a deuce in bunce, plus he keeps his kneecaps where nature intended.
And our consortium gets - Everyone's a winner! Apres moi, le deluge.
- I like the sound of that, Del.
Yeah, it's not a bad idea, Del.
Arnie, where is this, where is this restaurant of yours? It's a liitle place off the King's Road.
I'd better get my skates on.
I think it would be a good idea if we came with you, don't you, Arnie? Yeah, he's right.
I mean, you don't wanna go walking across the estate with a case full of gold, do you? Not on your own, anyway.
Fair enough.
Well, let's get going.
We haven't got long.
'Ere, Trig, don't let him out of your sight.
Come on, Albert, get that down ya and get in the van.
Come on, let's go.
Oh come on, Cassandra, ring! Well, I ain't phoning you, if that's what you think.
I'm a man.
May I help you, sir? I'm expecting to meet Mr Stavros here.
I wonder if he's booked? Mr Stavros.
Yes, he has booked a table.
I'm afraid the gentleman hasn't arrived yet.
- Would you care to wait at the table? - Yes.
Portare il signore.
- Yes, gentlemen? - A table for two, please.
- Have you booked? - No, we haven't.
- I'm afraid we are very crowded at the moment.
- This might make a bit of room.
Of course, grazie! Enrico, numero duo pere siniori.
Why didn't you sit that side? 'Cos I wouldn't be able to see Arnie then.
Why, what's the matter? It's just we're both sitting on the same side.
Sort of next to each other - So? - So it might look a bit funny.
- What d'you mean? - People might think that we're a bit funny.
Why don't you go and sit on the other side then? 'Cos I wanna keep me eye on Arnie, don't I? - So do I! - Yes, I now.
But it's my consortium! - I put most of the money in! - But it was my idea! Nice to see you again, sir.
Get your hand off mine! I said, get your hand off mine! People'll think we're a couple of woofters or something! They can think what they like! I've got 7 grand sitting up there and that's all I'm concerned with! Do you reckon it'll turn violent in there? - I don't care if it does! - No? No, this is a fast car.
What's he doing, Rodney? What do you mean, what's he doing? You can see what he's doing! - He's sitting in the window there reading a menu! - It's a bit suspicious, innit? What? A bloke sitting in a restaurant reading a menu - yeah, very iffy! Could you get me a glass of water, please.
I feel rather hot.
- Would you care to order now, sir? - Yes, I'd like an ambulance.
An ambulance, sir? Yes, an ambulance, I'm not very well.
Yes sir.
Telefono per una ambulanza, presto! Are you alright, sir? - What's happened? - It's Arnie! He's had a connery! So, what are we gonna do? I don't know! I think you have to pump their chests or something.
I'm talking about our bloody money and chains! Well, there's nothing we can do at now, is there? My money and my gold ain't going to no national health hospital! The entire kitchen staff'll be off to Miami if it does! - What you gonna do? - Watch! Don't panic! I am a doctor.
Stand aside, stand aside.
Let the dog see the rabbit.
Oh yes, very nasty.
He needs an operation! He's not a doctor! He's mugging the poor man! - Call the police! - Yes, madam, I call the police.
Alright, there'll be no need.
I am an officer of the law! - I thought they were taller than that.
- I'm a small town policeman.
Do you get the impression all is not going according to plan? OK, sunshine, you are nicked! Come on, out you go! Rest assured, madam, when we get him down the police station we'll give him a bloody good hiding.
Come on you, out! - What happened? - Arnie's had a connery.
You mean he's dead? No, no, he's still alive.
The ambulance got here just in time.
So where's the money and the gold? Where do you think it is? It's in Arnie's holdall! Why did you make us leave the restaurant? Because they've just called the Old Bill.
Arnie's got seven and 'arf grand of your unlaundered money.
Plus a case full of gold from a VAT fraud! Do you want to tell the police that it's really yours? Why didn't you try and get the case off his wrist? You tried that - didn't you? - and you got a punch in the nose and a whack over your head for your trouble.
- What do you think I am, a wally or something? - So how we gonna get it back? It's alright.
We'll go to the hospital.
All we gotta do is find out what time the visiting hours are.
It'll be cushty! We don't know which hospital they're taking him to.
We'll follow 'em.
Mike, your car's pretty nippy.
You do the following.
Right, mate.
I don't believe it, I've been clamped! Rodney, follow that ambulance! What a plonker! Right, I'm gonna make a couple of phone calls, Del.
Leave that phone alone, Michael.
No one touches it.
I've just been clamped! I've got to phone the authorities, sort it all out.
Look, I'm expecting a very important phone call any minute now from Rodney or Arnie or the hospital.
You just sort your car out tomorrow.
- What's good for a broke nose? - A baseball bat, knuckleduster.
I mean, my nose might be broken! Will you shut up going on about your hooter? Or I'll ram this up for a splint! Rodney, good boy! What's happened? We followed the ambulance down to St Stephen's Hospital.
St Stephen's Hospital.
Right, now we know where to visit.
- No, that's where we lost 'em! - You lost 'em? Yep, they just went straight down the Fulham Road.
Oh Gordon Blue! I mean, how could you possibly lose an ambulance! It's a ruddy great big white thing with a flashing blue light on the top! And in case your peepers ain't too clever, it makes a sound like an air-raid siren! It can also go straight through red lights! So what we going to do now eh? All our money and our gold is lying in some matron's office.
It's alright, Boycie, don't worry.
Listen, we'll we'll phone every hospital and ask if he's there.
No, no, no.
Hospitals won't give you that sort of information over the phone.
Alright.
Well, we'll drive round them all, then! Well, that's gonna take forever.
There must be 25 hospitals in London.
Oh thank Gawd for the Tory Party, otherwise there could have been 30! Albert, answer that! If that is Rodney's girlfriend, tell her to phone back later! Look, it doesn't matter how long it takes as long as we find him, does it? Del, it's some Indian doctor from Arnie's ward! Well, tell him I haven't got time to talk to him now, I'm trying to find out - Get on that phone! - Don't let him ring off! Hello doctor.
Yes, this is he.
Arnie yes, Arnold! Yes Oh yes, I knew the deceased very well we deceased? - Do you mean to say that he is dead? - Oh I love him! I just love him! - Yes, it has, it's come as a very nasty shock.
- What about our loot? Doctor, I wondered.
Arnie had about his person a couple of little keepsakes of mine.
I wondered if you had found them It's 25018-carat gold chains and 12,500 grand in used notes.
His widow has taken all his belongings? I just wondered if you could give me her address.
No no, I am a personal friend of theirs it's just that they moved recently, you see and I wanted to make sure she got hold of me about the funeral arrangements.
I know you're not supposed to give out addresses to any Tom, Dick or Harry but this is different Doctor, look, I'll give you a good drink! No Don't hang up.
He's hung up.
- Did he give you her address? - He said he couldn't, it's confidential! - How are we going to find her, then? - I don't know yet! I could go down to the town hall and find his name on the electoral register.
Well done, Rodders, good thinking.
No! He only moved here recently from Lambeth.
He wouldn't be on the list yet.
You dipstick! Well, alright, I'll go down to Lambeth Town Hall, then.
- Well done Rodney! Go on, go to Lambeth.
- Right.
Arnold what? What's his surname? Dunno.
I never caught his surname! Well, does it matter? Well, of course it matters! They're not gonna be down on the electoral registers as 'Arnie and Pat' are they? This is something else! The One Eleven Club! They'll have his full name and address on his membership form! - No, no.
He wasn't a member.
- I've got an idea.
- The phone! - Oh God! He's hearing things now! Arnie was the last one to dial out on this phone! He called his wife.
At their house, remember? So what? This phone's gotta redial button.
If you press that you'll get straight through to Arnie's house.
How we gonna explain it to her eh? It looks a bit bad turning up just before the funeral laying claim to most of his estate! No, it's alright.
Arnie told her that he'd sold the chains to Del.
So there'll be no problem! Wait a minute! Sshh! Hello? Hello, hello? I'm awfully sorry to bother you in your hour of darkness, but I was a friend of Arnie's and I was just wondering sorry? Oh, oh sorry, sorry.
Beg your pardon.
Sorry to have bothered you.
Bye! Strange, innit? I've just got through to the Highcliffe ruddy Hotel, Guernsey! Sorry, Del.
Look, I only called to see whether Cassandra got there safely.
And that's it, innit? We've done our money and it's vanished into thin air! I am going to see if I can buy myself a little doll that looks something like you.
And then I'm going to burn it! Keep your chin up! Boycie just keep your chin up! I am going to get my car unclamped, Del.
Thanks for everything.
Michael don't give up.
Please don't give up.
Remember what Churchill said, you know, he said up the Alamo! I'm sorry, Trig, that your aunt Reen had to pawn her necklace.
Shall I give her a ring and explain? Oh no, don't do that, Del.
She doesn't know she's pawned it yet! So how was it? The hotel was horrible, the weather was lousy, the food was rotten and the people were boring.
Oh good.
- And you were right.
Some of them did hold an orgy.
- You're kidding? No, honestly.
I stayed for about an hour and then I got fed up.
Oh no, I hate this sort of thing What's the matter, Rodney? You look like you've seen a ghost.
He done us in South-East London.
Rodney saw him in South-West London.
He's doing it all over town! Yeah You'd think he'd be taking things easy in his condition, wouldn't you? There's nothing wrong with him.
I mean, he's not a sick man, is he? I mean, he's a conman! - So you don't reckon he's really ill? - That is what I suspect.
- Alright, lads? What's going? - Oh hiya, Denzil.
- Wanna drink? - Er, no, I'm alright.
Can I get you one? Can I join you? No, it's a bit awkward at the moment, Denzil, you know.
We are in conference.
- We're in conference.
- I thought we was having a chat.
Listen, Del, I haven't got long.
I've got the truck outside.
I'm off to Germany.
We'll be bringing a load back.
Oh well, that's alright, then, Denzil.
Go on, have a nice trip.
Are you ill or something? I've just said I'm going to Germany and I will be bringing a load back and you haven't even asked what it is! Yes, I know, Denzil.
But I'm a bit busy at the moment, y'know.
I'll talk to you later.
- See you do.
I might have a deal for you.
- Yeah, alright, mate.
See you in a minute.
- Boycie, eh? Got time for a chat? - Some other time, Denzil.
Some other time.
- Mike - See the barmaid, Denzil.
I'm busy.
Rodney, how's it going? Yeah, bit tied up at the moment, Denzil.
I'll talk to you later, alright? Rodney, why are people ignoring me? What have I done to them? Nothing, nothing.
It's just there's a bit of heavy stuff going down at the moment.
Oh by the way, Denzil, this is Cassandra, my - Choose your words carefully, Rodney.
- My friend.
And Cassandra, this is Denzil.
- Nice to meet you.
- You too.
Right.
Well, I'll leave you two to have a little chat, then.
See you later.
Come on, hurry up, sit down, Rodney.
Sit down.
But I was under the impression that Arnie was a good family man.
I mean, all he ever spoke of was his wife, Gary and young Steven.
Yes, I know, and I'm under the impression that Gary and young Steven are about six foot tall and they like to dress up as ambulance men.
What, you mean it's their ambulance? No, can't be, Del.
Remember when Arnie come over bad in the restaurant? It was the staff that phoned for the ambulance.
- Yeah, and didn't it arrive quick? - Yeah! Come to mention it, it was a bit lively.
Anyway, I phoned that restaurant this afternoon and the manager told me that 10 minutes after Arnie's ambulance arrived, another one turned up.
The real one.
We reckon they do it with split-second timing, right.
At one o'clock Arnie does his dying swan act.
And at 3 minutes past 1 his boys turn up in their ambulance, then it's off into the wild blue yonder.
No one's gonna question a couple of medical orderlies, are they? Carrying a sick man out of a restaurant? - And no one can follow the ambulance because - It goes through red lights! And you can pick up these old ambulances for next to nothing anywhere.
I know, it's beautiful, innit? Beautiful.
- So what's Mr Stavros got to do with it all? - Mr Stavros don't exist, Trig.
Well, Arnie seemed to know him pretty well.
No, he only did that.
He invented him, didn't he? Just to get us on the It still doesn't get me my money back.
I'm sitting here still convalescing from open wallet surgery.
At least we know that Arnie and the dough are still out there somewhere.
It gives us half a chance.
I have put the word about that I am looking for some gold chains.
- I'm off you guys, I'll see you later.
- Yeah, see you, Denzil.
- Nice talking to you, Cassandra.
- You too, Denzil.
Safe trip.
I bring this meeting to a conclusion, gentlemen.
All I can say is: just keep your ears to the ground, right? Trig, that just means listen out; it doesn't mean get on your hands and knees Come on, Rodney, let's go.
See you, chaps.
Sorry to leave you talking to a total stranger.
Don't worry, Rodney.
Even strangers can be fun I found that out in Guernsey.
Look at his face, now look, look, he looks as though he's sucked on a lemon! Anyway, that Denzil's a nice bloke, though, ain't he? He left a message.
He heard that you were interested in buying some gold chains.
- Oh not more gold-plated Mickey Mouse gear.
- Apparently on of his brothers, Carl is it? Yeah, the one who lives in Bethnal Green.
Apparently he's met some guy in a casino, a retired jeweler or something, who's got 200 and Yes, 250 gold chains for sale and Denzil and his brothers are buying them.
- Where is Denzil now? - He's just left.
Denzil, don't buy them! No, you're gonna have to shout louder than that, Del.
He's half way to Germany! Denzil, nicht buying them! - Can you see Dad? - Yeah, he's in position.
About another four minutes.
Right.
And this time you make the phone call.
It's always me who has to pretend to be the hospital doctor.
'Did you know the deceased very well'? OK, I'll do it.
I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well.
Could you get me an ambulance? Wonderful! What's wrong, Arnie? You don't look too well! - What's up? - Ambulance come, he gone! Wotcha fellas.
- What's happening? - Get in! Now take it easy, fellas.
I can explain everything.
- We're not looking for explanations.
It's all very clear.
- At least let's have a chat.
Funnily enough, there was one or 12,500 things we wanted to talk to you about.
- Try this, Del Boy.
- Thank you, doctor.
You don't need that to cut the chain off.
I've got the key.
Who said anything about cutting the chain off? Calm down, Arnie, calm down.
You'll give yourself a heart attack!