Parks and Recreation s06e03 Episode Script

Okay, here's the text I added a few more jokes, slamming Eagleton at the end.
Mmm.
That's the sexiest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm so glad you're on my team.
Are you sure you wanna attack 'em at this press conference? It's a friendly wager on a high school basketball game.
I'm losing the recall election, Ben.
Slamming Eagleton is the easiest way to score some points.
Look.
Am I proud of it? Yes.
Because Eagleton sucks.
But is it the classiest move? Yes, because Eagleton sucks.
Would I do it again? Yes, because Eagleton sucks.
This year, we get to host the Pawnee-Eagleton tip-off classic.
That awful human being is Ingrid de Forest.
She's a city councilor from Eagleton.
She thinks she's so great because she won the Miss Indiana Beauty Pageant.
Last year.
While she was in office.
And pregnant.
As always, we would like to make a friendly wager with Eagleton.
If you beat us this year, we will give you a basket of apples from our Pawnee orchard.
Ew, pesticide.
Yuck.
Oh, no, these are pesticide-free.
I ate one of these for breakfast this morning, and I found a worm in it.
So, I bet somebody feels pretty stupid right now.
Well, Leslie, I think we had similar ideas.
If you win, Eagleton will give you this basket of oranges.
Of course, it's silly to compare apples and oranges, but what the heck.
These are made of Swarovski crystal, and they're worth $700,000.
Leslie, you're down 15 points in the latest poll for the recall election.
What can you do to make up the deficit? I'll tell you what I'd do if I was an Eagletonian.
I'd pop a Xanax and ask my butler to help me out.
I mean, I'm not saying that Eagletonians are out of touch.
But when you tell 'em it's time to change their oil, they ask, "Extra virgin or white truffle?" Thanks, guys.
I'll see ya at the game.
Unless, of course, you're an Eagletonian, and then you'll be too busy polishing your monocle at the caviar store.
Knope out.
Yeah.
Who or what is Penny Saver? It's a free circular with a bunch of coupons in it.
This was sent to Ron Swanson at Diane's address, where I've lived for less than a month.
How is that possible? This is an extreme invasion of privacy.
The right to privacy is very important to me.
My family has had a single P.
O.
box for several generations.
We only ever subscribe to two magazines, Reader's Digest and Ebony.
Ebony was due to a clerical error, but it ended up being an interesting year of reading.
I don't know how this was delivered to me, but it cannot happen again.
How can I stop it? Mm.
Donna is great with this sort of thing.
She got me off the Williams-Sonoma mailing list, but then I just signed back up again.
Hooked on their oven mitts.
I need my mitts on those mitts.
Let me know the second Donna returns.
According to her Twitter feed, she got coffee five minutes ago.
Wait, now she's Ustreaming her walk back.
She should be here in three, two, one.
Hey, hey.
Hashtag quest for coffee, blowin' up my timeline.
You get my snapchat about it? - No.
- What? There it is.
- Hey, you wanted to see me? - I did.
- Think fast.
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Dr.
Buttons-- I mean, my old calculator.
It doesn't have a name.
Why did you throw this at me? I just got off the phone with our old boss from Indianapolis, and apparently there may be some sort of a budget problem in Eagleton.
He asked if maybe you and I wouldn't have a look.
You in? Butch Count-sidy and the Sum-dance Kid, together again.
- Hmm.
- Auditing bros! Yeah, and auditing sistah.
Let's do this.
Oh, you're coming? If there's a problem with Eagleton, I wanna be there.
That's like a dream come true.
Besides, I have a new routine I'm working on.
Kind of like a Jeff Foxworthy-type thing, but about Eagleton.
If you make your omelet out of Faberge eggs, - you just might - Be an Eagletonian.
Yippee! Road trip! Who's excited to go to Bloomington? Is that where you're gonna sit? I'm driving.
Where else would I sit? Trunk.
I helped April get into vet school in Bloomington and today's her orientation, so we're taking a little road trip.
While I'm there, I'm also gonna pick up an organic baby blanket.
I would get one in Pawnee, but fun fact-- our only baby store is attached to a chemical refinery.
I made a special road trip mix CD for us.
- I hope you like Tori Amos.
- Oh, cool.
It really is a pleasure to see you in this context, Ingrid.
Say cheese.
Damn it.
You look beautiful.
Can you give us a little more information surrounding the deficits that you're running this year? Ooh, gosh.
We don't really like to talk about money.
We find a little gauche.
This is a budget meeting.
Well, most of our files are in these boxes if you really wanna take a look at how much that we've spent.
Why don't we just dig in and see what we're up against? Yes.
And thank you.
We really appreciate your help.
Are you tipping me? Is that 100Euros? People ought to have the right to be left alone.
I wanna get completely off the grid.
That's crazy talk.
I live for the grid.
It's where I meet And if you're off the grid, how are you gonna post photos of the dope food at restaurants you're at and all the cool places you're stuntin' in? Food is for eating.
Places are for being.
End of discussion.
Don't leave the grid, Ron.
The grid is the best.
If anything, you need to get more on the grid.
Grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid-- If you help me get off the grid, I will let both of you go home early.
No grid, no grid, no grid, no grid.
All right, so you have everything you need for orientation? Yeah, an empty Sprite can, an old man's fingernail in my pocket, and a picture of Patrick Ewing on a roller coaster.
- I'm all set.
- Great.
Hi.
My friend here is enrolling in the vet school next month, and she would like to be shown around.
Totally, happy to.
I'm Laura.
I'm April Ludgate Kevorkian.
So you go with Laura, who seems really nice and does not deserve to be tortured.
And I will come meet up with you after I finish at the baby store.
Sure you wanna leave me here with her? What if I'm a murderer? Oh, that's funny.
This is worse than I could've imagined.
Their debt-to-equity ratio is ridonkulous.
What a hilarious word.
It reminds me of a ridiculous donkey.
He's the best.
What does this mean for them? They were in financial trouble a few years ago, like Pawnee was, but their government just kept borrowing money.
Eagleton is on the brink of an epic financial disaster.
Ahh.
Now that is the sexiest thing you've ever said to me.
Really, that? This is gonna hand me the recall election.
I saved Pawnee from bankruptcy.
Now I get to remind people of that fact as we watch our worst enemy collapse into bankruptcy.
Plus, guess what I get to do after the game now.
You pretend you're Ingrid.
Let's pretend this box is the basket of apples I bet them on the game.
I see where you're going with this.
- No, you don't.
- Yeah, you're gonna ask me - if I like apples-- - Do you like apples? We just watched this movie two nights ago, so-- - Do you like apples? - I don't wanna do this.
How about them apples? Paul, if you ever see another one of these with my name on it, I want you to drive into the woods and bury it.
I don't decide who gets mail, sir.
I just deliver it.
Passing the buck-- the last refuge of the cowardly and black-hearted.
- That seems harsh.
- Get out.
We got rid of your cell phone.
This is your last credit card.
Are you sure you want me to cut up this card? It gets you into the parking garage.
I'll be taking the bus now, and I'll be paying in cash.
What other traces of me exist in the world? Think, people.
Isn't there a photo of you up at JJ's Diner, from that time when you-- aah! Come on, Tom! This place is unbelievable.
It has everything I need: Video monitors, lead-free pacifiers.
These are the first bibs I've ever seen without Dale Earnhardt Jr.
's face on them.
Really? April? Excuse me, sorry.
April, why aren't you at orientation? Um, I was at orientation, but it was lame, so I left.
And then I kept walking, and now here I am.
We are going back there right now, young lady.
- Mm-mm.
- Come on.
God, get off me, stranger.
I'm so sorry we're late.
We came from our bankruptcy brunch.
And Michael Buble played, but he ran a little long.
I love Michael Buble.
Was a bankruptcy brunch the best idea? Sure, let's not have brunch like animals.
Well, um, some of these expenditures are questionable.
Uh, you filled the public pools with bottled water? Total body hydration.
What is this here? This massive expenditure from public works? Ah, yes.
Well, yes.
We purchased HBO for the whole town.
I'm sorry.
You spent government money on a TV subscription? It's not TV.
Al right.
Uh, Leslie's put together a presentation for a financial recovery.
Great.
You may find it very informative.
Let's get started with our first slide.
"Well, well, well" Tsk, tsk, tsk.
JJ, a few months ago, I came in here and began eating eggs.
They were delicious, so I ordered more.
Before long, I believe I had eaten-- Couldn't cook 'em fast enough.
The last ten were still in the shell.
It was a JJ's Diner record, and you took his picture.
Now, we need that picture, for privacy reasons.
Okay, but I don't know how anybody would know it's you.
We followed your instructions.
That's too much information.
Let's go.
Where are we going now? I've eaten a lot of food in a lot of restaurants.
Why is everyone else so bad at eating? I only agreed to come back here because of our deal.
Do you promise to play along? - Yes.
- Do you? - Yes.
- Hi, you're back.
Hello again.
As you remember, I'm April, and this is Ann, my 65-year-old grandmother.
Yes, that's who I am.
Anyway, we'd love to hear about Bloomington.
It seems like a real hip kind of college town.
Mee-maw, God, no one uses the word hip anymore.
Sometimes I wish you went down on the Titanic with all your sorority sisters.
I would be happy to show you guys around the campus.
Is there anything in particular that you wanna see? How are your local graveyards? I have some planning to do.
"You blew it.
"Super hard.
"Complete buffoonery.
It's hilarious.
" And "You deserve it.
" Hey, you think you might wanna take it easy on them a little bit? Oh, like they took it easy on us when they stole all our money and seceded from our town? That was 200 years ago.
Cool it.
Fine.
I'll skip ahead.
Do you have a plan that will help us or not? We have borrowed absolutely everything we can from the state.
And really, Pawnee is our only hope.
We do have a plan.
We are willing to provide a bridge loan for $50,000.
compounded monthly.
And you need to release a statement that says that Pawnee rules and Eagleton drools.
Well, now you're just being nasty.
I understand that our towns have a complicated history, but we have a saying in Eagleton "You don't kick a dressage horse after a failed pas de deux.
" Whatever, blondie.
Your butler made your bed, now you gotta lie in it.
And if you walk out that door, none of us here, and I repeat, none of us will ever help you again.
Oh, my God.
They have Michael Buble on retainer.
Okay, all public photos of me recovered.
Nameplate removed from my office door.
Pediatrician files confiscated and destroyed.
- Anything I'm missing? - Great news, Ron.
Jean-Ralphio loves your shirt.
What the hell are you talking about? Oh, I've been taking pictures of you all day for my new Facebook album: "RonSwan: Gettin' off the grid.
" Tom, do you maybe see a problem with what you've done? I do now.
Yes, sorry.
Erase.
Erase.
Erase.
Erase all pictures of Ron! Erase all pictures of Ron! Erase all pictures of Ron! What the hell is happening? I think you accidentally opened up Vine.
You just vined your first selfie, Ron.
And I'm vining you vine your selfie.
The world is a nightmare.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Erase all pictures of Ron! Erase all pictures of Ron! The B-line is a cool outdoor trail that cuts right through downtown.
She said the B-line is cool, Mee-maw.
Cool means good.
Thank you, Laura, for showing us around.
Sure.
See you in a couple weeks, April.
See? This place is great.
Aren't you glad we came back and talked to her? No.
It was pointless.
I'm not going to school here.
April, don't flake out on this.
You're gonna love it here.
Bloomington is great.
It's got culture and music and tons of youngsters.
Youngsters? Am I 65 years old? Yeah, I'm not going here.
I don't want to.
Let's leave.
- Think fast.
- Oh! Why do people keep assuming I'm ready to catch things? "Eagleton: No money, mo' problems.
" Fantastic, right? I made enough of them for everybody to wear at the game.
I do like a good internal rhyme.
Ben, you ready for dinner? We can go over the poll numbers.
Ohyou know, I've got a few phone calls to make.
Can you give me an hour? I can meet you there.
Oh, my God.
- What is she doing here? - I'm sorry, Leslie, but you didn't really help them very much, so we volunteered to give them a little financial advice.
You didn't actually help us at all.
- Just one second.
- Yeah.
I'm just gonna help them out, okay? - Mm.
- Just for an hour.
He's just being a good neighbor.
We're in a lot of trouble, Leslie.
I don't need any lip from you, okay? You're in trouble because of your own stupidity.
I have a PhD from the Sorbonne.
For what? Wearing Chanel suits? There was a fashion component, yes.
I'm not mad that you're doing this.
Yes, I am mad that you're doing this.
But even worse, I'm mad that you just - lied to me about it.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
We all swore that we weren't gonna ever help her again, ever.
I never said that.
You did.
I speak for all of us in all matters.
That is what you tacitly agreed to - when you married me.
- What? Yeah, let's go.
You've changed your mind.
You're not gonna help her anymore.
Leslie, I just wanna borrow your husband for the evening.
Can we please talk about what happened back there? What, Ann? I just stole your phone and texted every guy in it that the baby was theirs.
It's not that big of a deal.
Listen, I know you don't believe this, but I care about your future.
And I'm just a little disappointed that you're just not following through with this.
Yeah, it's not about following through, okay? I was on the fence about whether I wanted to do it.
And as soon as I got there, I just had a gut feeling that it wasn't right for me, that's all.
So, just like that, boom--huge life decision made? That's how I make all my life decisions.
My gut is always right, okay? It was right about marrying Andy, and it was right when it told me that you would be the worst person I would ever meet in my life.
And I've met Guy Fieri, Ann.
So gross! How do you get your gut to talk to you? You don't get your gut to talk to you.
You just listen when it says something.
Well, right now my gut is saying that we are going to listen to Mariah Carey the whole way home.
Good.
Whoa.
Wow, I'm really surprised you're sitting on this side of the bleachers and not on the Eagleton side with your new girlfriend Ingrid.
Leslie, I'm just trying to help them.
Why? They wouldn't help us if the tables were turned.
I mean, they're 50 points ahead, and they're still dunking.
I mean, look at this guy.
There's no way he is in high school.
And I'm better at French horn too, Eric.
People are gonna lose their jobs, Leslie.
And the recovery will take years.
Deep down, I think you feel bad for them.
Okay, I do a little, yes.
And I'm sorry that I blew up at you yesterday.
With all the recall stuff happening, I just really need to feel like you're on my team, and seeing you with them made me feel like you weren't.
I'm always gonna be on your team.
You never have to worry about that.
Defense! Oh! Eagleton player number seven, injured on the play.
Official time-out.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna say something.
And if I throw up on you after I say it, just know that you've been warned.
I know how we can help Eagleton.
I don't see what the problem is.
I will give you a certain amount of gold in exchange for a recreational vehicle.
I still need an address for insurance purposes.
This will be my new home.
The address is wherever it is parked.
Where have you been? I had a flat tire, and I've been trying to get in touch with you for hours.
Sorry, darling.
I've been busy destroying most of my personal effects and threatening a postal worker.
Ron, I know you value your privacy, but you are a husband and a father now.
You can't just roam the streets in an RV and be impossible to find.
I'm on a mission to get off the grid.
Well, you don't have to be entirely on the grid, but have to be on our grid.
I suppose you wouldn't consider moving.
I've heard the school system in the tunnels beneath Yucca Mountain is adequate.
I love you, but your solution to every problem is to live inside a mountain.
I love you too.
Okay, one more time.
Are you absolutely sure you wanna go through with this? A lot of people are gonna get angry, and you might lose the recall election.
Or, if I pull it off, I just might win.
Plus, a very smart member of my team pointed out it's the right thing to do.
Good morning.
After an all-night strategy session, the towns of Pawnee and Eagleton have come up with a potential solution to Eagleton's budget crisis.
The town of Eagleton will be dissolved and re-absorbed into Pawnee.
Pawnee will provide some government services, as well as taking on some of Eagleton's debts.
I understand.
Look, I hate Eagletonians as much as you do.
I hate their stupid beautiful faces and their stupid shiny hair.
We looked at every alternative.
This is the only scenario that prevents Eagleton's financial crisis from spiraling throughout the entire region.
Eagleton is terrible! Why should I bail them out with the hard-earned money from my unemployment check? - Yeah! - Because they are our neighbor and they've sprained their ankle.
And when your neighbor sprains his ankle, you help him off the court.
I understand you have concerns and questions, and we are here to listen to them.
I got something to say.
One at a time, please.
I hate the one-at-a-time system! Why should we bail them out? No one bailed me out when I got arrested for arson.
You can't just merge two towns.
It's against the rules of nature.
What's next-- merging a man with his dog? I live in Eagleton.
And frankly, I don't like the idea of living in Pawnee.
They're a little-- oh, what's the word? Have-no-money.
Bertram, that's enough.
First of all, Eagleton has no money.
Second of all, they are gracious enough to throw us a lifeline, and we should be eternally grateful for their generosity.
They're a town of angels-- greasy, denim-clad angels, but angels nonetheless.
Yeah, we'll take it.
I mean, did you steal this from a museum? Maybe find it frozen in ice? It looks like the original phone from the movie Wall Street.
I think it's just the original phone, period.
Ew, gross, it has "buttons.
" Okay, girls, this is a magic phone, okay? Only you and I have got the numbers.
So if you ever need Ron for any reason, you just call and he'll be there in a flash.
Yes, I will.
I'll keep it right here.
It snaps right in, snug and secure.
A cell phone belt clip? No, Ron.
Oh, my God! Yeah, I can't be seen with you.
Travelin' Ann Perkins! How was Bloomington? It was amazing.
They had all the baby supplies we need, and they had all this other cool stuff.
They had a bike-sharing program and a vegan Afghan restaurant and-- Oh, my God.
I'm having one.
- I'm having one right now.
- A contraction? No.
Dude, I'm, like, three months pregnant.
I-I know.
I'm just so excited.
The thing I'm having is a gut feeling.
What would you think about raising our child somewhere other than Pawnee? Thank you, Leslie, from all of us in Eagleton.
Our citizens owe you a debt of gratitude.
Well, I think at the end of the day, everybody realizes it's something we have to do.
On the bright side, we did win the basketball game.
I think you owe us some apples.
- You better pay up.
- Oh, you don't want them.
All of Pawnee's apples have been recalled-- - g.
Coli.
- You mean e.
Coli? I wish.
Way easier to treat.
Welcome to Pawnee!