Portlandia (2011) s06e03 Episode Script

What am I? Old Man Winter? I know.
The grays came in all at once.
You're 48.
I need, like, visual evidence that I am this age.
- Is that your sperm? - Yes.
Let's get together, and we'll have a baby.
But seriously, if you, uh, want to pop a goonie or two out of this old pirate's cove, I think you've got time.
You really need to do something worthwhile with your life.
Fred, do you want to have a baby with me? Yeah.
- This is it.
- We're having sex.
- Yeah.
- We're really gonna do it.
All right.
Well, why don't we ease into it? - Okay.
What? All right.
- Like-- it-- this, this.
It's like an X, right? Right, so I get aroused, aroused, aroused.
Go on top, on top, on top.
Uh, j-- little jackhammer, kind of, I mean, do you want to dry hump? I picture eyes closed.
Maybe hands out to the side.
- Do you need magazines? - Yes.
Okay, well, I just have "The New Yorker.
" I'm kind of a slow reader.
Anything there about foreign people, just kind of like Euro ladies.
Well, I think there's a thing in "Talk Of the Town" about a woman that's, like, shopping in a local farmer's market.
- Y-- yes.
- She's at the farmer's market, and-- and she's feeling around for-- for melons.
- Pants off.
- Shit.
All right, you ready? So this is me.
I'm coming towards you.
Okay, I'm, oh, I'm spreading.
- There we are, and-- - And? That's me right there.
And in.
- And? - Out.
- Yeah, but not fully out.
- No.
- Just-- - Just a little.
In and out.
In and out.
There we go.
- So I'm almost gonna do it.
- Okay, great.
- And here we go.
- Great, great.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Ta-dah.
You just finished on my stomach.
I'm such an idiot.
I'm just so used to doing it that way.
I-- I'm so sorry.
Oh.
- Let's try again.
- Okay.
We get started and In and out.
In and out.
There we go, and ta-dah.
You did the same thing.
Uh, don't worry about it.
I can just use the mayor's sperm.
The mayor's sperm? He made a canister of it.
That's great.
I want some of that.
You didn't really need me then, did you? This was kind of like pity sex in a way.
I mean, you're my best friend.
I guess I felt bad that I was gonna have a baby with you.
Well then, we dodged a bullet.
I'm glad we didn't have a baby.
All right.
Hi, uh, Mr.
M? I used to go to school here, and you were my guidance counselor.
Hmm.
Doesn't ring a bell.
Remember? My hair was darker.
Oh, yeah.
I remember now.
Little Frankie Armistein.
- No.
Fred Armisen.
- That's what I said.
Frankie Armistein.
Well, I'm 48 now, and I haven't done anything with my life, really.
Except for, like, going gray.
So maybe you could help me.
Hmm.
I've got some brochures here that you might want to take a look at.
Have you ever thought about going back to school? I don't know.
I mean, it's, like, I wouldn't even know where to go.
Damn.
I tell you what.
Here's one on marriage.
Getting married? By the time everything worked out, I'd be, like, 55 or something.
Damn.
There goes another one.
You can have a baby with your female best friend.
You know, I've tried it already, and it didn't quite work out.
Did you on her stomach? Yeah, I went on her stomach twice.
It's just, like, out of habit.
Is there anything I could do that's just instant and immediate, you know, no training, no years.
Just something quick.
Ah.
No.
Oh, dammit.
Let me ask you a question.
You ever think about moving to a new city? - Moving to another city, huh? - Yeah.
Why is it good to move to another city? That's an instant conversation piece.
Everybody in Portland will be saying, "Wow.
Little Frankie Armistein moved out of town.
He's bettering himself.
" You think people will react that way? Yeah, because it's a brand-new environment, brand-new lifestyle, and you can make brand-new friends.
Austin, for one, is a good place to settle.
- Austin? - Austin, Texas.
But do I have to apply? All it takes is for you to get in your car and drive.
- That sounds pretty great.
- All right.
Hey, yeah, I'm moving to Austin.
I'm leaving here, leaving Portland, and I'm going to kind of be technically a Texan.
I'm gonna have a baby.
Finally I have a purpose, you know? They're making fun of me that I'm-- I'm an Austin guy.
No, I'm not.
I'm gonna visit.
I'm basically gonna go home and, like, put a turkey baster up me, And it's gonna be awesome.
I'm moving to Austin.
He heard me, right? - I'm gonna have a baby.
- I move to Austin.
- Austin, Texas.
- I'm having a kid.
- Austin, Austin.
Texas.
- Baby.
Baby.
Baby.
- Howdy.
- Austin.
- Portland! - Listen, I got some good news, and I've got some bad news.
Bad news for me, I'm losing one of my best Portlanders ever.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
Good news for you, he's coming to your city.
Oh, well, that's wonderful news.
Can you give him a good Austin welcome? Well, of course.
Well get him a big hat.
- He'll fit right in.
- Well, I appreciate it, Austin.
- Thank you.
- Keep it weird.
- Keep it weird.
- Keep it weird.
- Keep it weird.
- Keep it weird.
He's in good hands.
Hey.
It's hitting me, like, you're-- you're actually leaving.
Yeah.
I'm, like, really moving.
We're gonna be just old friends now, like-- No, I mean, there's still, like, you know, airplanes - and Skype and everything.
- I know.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm gonna miss you.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you too.
Um, I should probably skedaddle.
Yeah, yeah.
You should-- You should get going.
I mean, I suppose a car's kinda like a horse.
You know, it knows it's own way.
- Are you doing an accent? - No.
It's still me.
Okay.
You should probably, you know, use a map or-- Well, I mean, I got my guidance, and I got my-- my wits.
Uh, I feel less and less like I'm gonna cry.
Well, maybe 'cause you know that we're good friends for life.
Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and hug you.
Now you get over here and give my a hug.
- Okay.
- A good old Texas hug.
Nope.
Just-- in Texas, they hug the same.
Okay, well, drive safe.
Let me wander into the car.
Don't forget if you write a letter to put a stamp on it.
Drive safe, Fred.
You know, the postman don't deliver on Sunday.
You know that, I hope.
Yeehaw! Your trip to Austin has been shortened by seven minutes.
Oh, great news.
- In 1,000 feet, turn left.
- Thank you, Maze.
Wait a minute.
It's a dead end.
Would you like to reroute to Long John Silver's? No, I don't want to reroute to Long John Silver's.
What kind of question is that? Boy, it's a lot of side streets.
Like kind of more a direct way to, uh, Austin.
I found a shortcut.
Recalculating.
In 100 feet, proceed through graveyard.
Uh, does this seem right, Maze? Oh, my God.
Where am I? Okay.
So are you basting something? - My ovaries.
- Nice.
Congrats.
Thank you.
Hold on a sec.
Hi.
Can I help you? Are you Carrie? Yeah, why? I found her! - Sorry, who are you guys? - We're the mayor's kids.
- You're our new mommy.
- I think you're mistaken.
You're definitely not my kids, and the mayor does not have kids.
I appreciate you coming by.
You guys are really cute.
And I'd be happy to buy whatever you're selling.
Welcome to the family.
Whose family? I have my own family.
Okay, well, thanks for coming by.
If you'd like me to sign a petition or-- - Is that your kitchen? - Yeah.
- Let's go snack.
- You guys aren't getting - a snack here.
- We're home! No.
Hey! I don't think so, guys.
Hey, come on! - Yello? - You already have kids? Yeah.
I got tons of 'em.
Why? I'm so confused.
Why would you ask to artificially inseminate me if-- if you already have kids? Well, I said if you didn't have anything going on.
I'm the mayor.
I got lots going on.
There was never any question of that.
Okay, so-- so you want me to raise your kids? We're out of OJ.
I thought this would be a nice way to practice.
You know, have a few kids around the house.
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.
Aww, listen to that.
Yeah, yeah.
- Dad, Dad, Dad.
- Hey! These kids don't have any manners.
They're all over my kitchen.
They're drinking my orange juice.
They're drinking our orange juice.
I thought you wanted a baby.
I do want a baby.
It's just-- Look, kids are crazy.
You just gotta roll with it.
All right, have fun.
Bye.
Thanks.
All right, I just got off the phone with your dad.
I'm sorry I'm a little discombobulated.
Uh-- He doesn't understand us.
But you do.
- Really? - You know, if you want, we don't even have to invite him to Thanksgiving.
- Yeah.
- I think you-- you are getting ahead of ourselves here.
I don't know.
We're kind of a family now.
Yeah.
You're, like, the best mom I've ever had.
We love you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
On behalf of Austin, Texas, I'd like to welcome ya with a little gift basket here.
We got Dos Equis, some barbecue sauce, and a few chilies, and other doodads.
Thank you very much.
That's so kind.
- The mayor'll see you now.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Hi.
- Hey.
- I-- I'm Fred.
- So nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
- Please sit down.
- Yes.
- How was your trip? - It was really good.
I just came all the way from Portland, and-- I'm moving to Austin.
Yes, so I heard.
Oh, listen, this is for you.
It's something just to make you feel a little more at home.
- How's that? - Well, that looks all right.
That looks all right.
So have you decided what neighborhood you might want to live in? I-- I'm thinking someplace cool.
Like a cool part of town.
- Cool part of town? - Yeah.
Well, listen, I've got just the thing.
The Housing Department and the Department of the Mayor present "How To Find a Cool Neighborhood.
" I'm your host, the Mayor.
Well, this looks like a pretty cool neighborhood.
Got a coffee shop, got a record store.
It's got three bars.
All the bartenders got real interesting hair.
But it's not the cool neighborhood.
You know why? Strollers.
That's right.
Strollers started popping up everywhere.
Pretty soon, there was a baby clothing store on the corner.
Not cool! Take a look at this neighborhood.
It's a dump.
It's the kind of neighborhood with an intimidating cat.
Not cool.
Well, here's a neighborhood.
It's got a coffee shop, got a record store.
It's only got one bar, but the owner went to high school with Iggy Pop.
Cool.
What you're looking for are people like this.
Her, her, him, him.
What you're not looking for is him.
And the cat.
Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Not cool.
Welcome to Austin.
Did you enjoy it? On a scale of one to five.
Five being the best, one being the worst.
It's five.
All the way through.
Well then, we have done our job.
Enough with the pillows, you guys.
All right? This is a house.
- Mom? - What? Gus locked himself in his room.
- Wait, he has a room? - Yeah.
I'm not talking to anybody.
This is the bathroom.
- No.
- We can't hear you.
We hear you.
What? Are you and Dad getting a divorce? Uh, your dad and I aren't even dating.
Well, when your baby finally arrives, - are you still gonna love us? - I don't love you.
I-I-- I've never loved you.
The only relationship I have with your sisters and your brother is that you're living at my house.
Uh D-- do you guys want to get o-- orange juice? D-- do you want to get some OJ at the store? Yeah? Okay.
Let's go.
ah, baby, you're so tasty-tasty I don't really want to waste it what? baby, let's get hasty-hasty I love it when you shake that - what - so put your back into it and let your mind go you gotta run right through it - then make my mind - blow - wild - I know you wanna - go crazy - I know you wanna - go wild - so jump up for it - go crazy - jump, jump, jump, jump so put your back into it so put your back into it Get out of the road! Hey, those are my kids you're honking at.
Hi.
I moved to Austin.
- Yeah.
- Moved here.
Hey, neighbor.
Hi.
I just moved to Austin.
Yeah, I s-- I see that.
I live here now in Texas.
Mm, that's where we are.
Did it.
Yeah.
Well, this conversation's a little boring.
Gonna head in.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't go.
You know what? I have more to say.
A little announcement.
It's kinda interesting.
I'm moving.
I'm gonna move cities to Nashville.
- Nashville? - Nashville, Tennessee.
Wow, man.
That's a big move.
Yeah.
Sounds like you got a lot going on in your life.
That's a big step.
That's great.
- Good luck.
- Thanks a lot.
Bye.
Yeehaw! - Hi, I moved here.
- So what? - Hi, I moved here.
- Whatever.
Ah, let's get this gear on the boat.
Fix the sails.
Tie her down.
- Go on.
- What is this place? Shville.
End of the line for drifters and wanderers.
Where does that boat go? That's the biggest move of all.
The move abroad.
- Wow.
- You'll be an expat.
- Okay.
- Get on the boat.
I just moved here.
hidey-didey, man the oars an expat I shall be your life abroad they'll all applaud when I show my foreign ID Hey, that's me.
idly, idly, woodley wee living across the sea old friends will wonder where I've been I heard from Jeff, he's in Berlin sailing all the way to gay "Paree" I'll probably grow a goatee - You seem cooler now.
- merci as time goes on, we won't go home abandon friends in old time zones yes, we'll miss weddings and funerals too surrounded by strangers and lands that are new I never really thought of it that way.
Um, I thought this was a pirate ship.
Who the hell are these people? we're sailing away to the setting sun and I will speak Dutch as my native tongue we'll all disappear like Robert Crumb 'cause Paris is cool and America's dumb we're off to where the grass is green say good-bye to this old routine give my only sweet oblivion we're never coming home What? Never? not coming home I'll never see Carrie again.
Turn it around! - we're never coming home - Is there an anch-- tur-- Please! T-- turn around! I don't wanna go.
"And he whispered with a smile, and the moon smiled back.
" The end.
Can we sleep with you tonight, Mommy? Yeah, I want to curl up on top of your head like a squirrel.
- Yeah.
Come on, guys.
- Yeah.
What's that? Well, that's your daddy's sperm.
What? Why is it in that weird can? It should be stuffed up inside of your body.
I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
I've been busy with you guys.
- What? - Yeah.
- Oh, gross.
- Hey.
- Are you even our real mom? - No.
I've been totally clear on that.
She was clear about that.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Wait-- wha-- but, guys.
I mean, where are you going? - We're running away.
- No.
Hey, get back here! I don't know, we're kind of a family now.
Yeah.
You're, like, the best mom I ever had.
We love you.
Why is it in that weird can? It should be stuffed up inside your body.
Body, body - How's my baby mama? - Uh, well, our kids-- I mean, your adult kids, uh, they ran away.
- Did you make 'em mad? - Apparently.
It's like they loved me so much, and then they just turned on me so quickly.
They'll do that.
I have a pretty good idea where they are.
Hi, two tickets to "Mum," please.
- Oh, this is Mum.
- Hey.
Please silence all cell phones and pagers.
The play you're about to see tonight is based on real events.
I'm Mum.
A lonely woman in the world.
I wanna have kids, but I don't know if I'm ready for it.
Can I love? The answer is no.
Uh, this is bullshit.
No, no, no, no, no, stay.
You can stay to see the end.
Whoa! Look at this place.
It has rooms, and a bathroom, and a kitchen.
Wait a minute.
Hey, Mom, can we have some orange juice? This is my house.
- Carrie? - These are my things.
That's not how it happened.
- My OJ! - Okay, well, that's true.
- Our OJ! - They drank all - my orange juice.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Mayor, it's me.
I just want to be a selfish, single spinster all my life.
- No.
Please.
- I don't need anybody.
I'm not talking to anybody.
I'll buy you some OJ if you come out.
Jesus, there's ten acts.
No.
I'm just being a good mom.
You'll love it.
Time for orange juice at the supermarket.
what is a family? - ee-hee all: - OJ and TLC What is a family? What is it? This is a terrible play, but I just feel pride.
- Is it orange juice and TLC? - What's happening? - You're a mom.
- We'll never know.
You just lose all perspective and love everything your kids do.
- And it all ends alone.
- I hate that.
Is that sad? Good afternoon.
My name's Dr.
Hopkins, and I'm a gynecologist.
That's nice.
Well, we are here to celebrate a very special woman.
Now, I'm not a pastor; I'm a guy who gets my fingers in-- - Carrie? - Fred? You're back.
- Yeah.
- And your hair's black.
What are you doing here? You're tying the knot with who? You know, I'm ju-- uh, she's tying the knot.
The-- the-- tying her tubes.
I'm tying her tubes.
I'm a gynecologist.
Oh.
Exactly.
I mean, this is about self-acceptance.
I accept who I am, which is an old spinster.
I've come to a huge realization of my own about accepting myself the way that I am.
Then why did you dye your hair back? That's exactly it.
I don't accept the way that I am.
A little more, that's all.
I mean, I-I accept you for that then.
Wow.
I mean, maybe that's why you two are su-- are you friends? Come on.
Maybe that's why you're such good friends.
- Are you such good friends? - Yes.
- We're such good friends.
- Maybe that's why you're such good friends.
Because-- Whether or not we accept ourselves, we accept each other.
No-- oh.
I felt like you kind of begged-- all right.
- Whoo! - Ow! - Whoo.
- That's nice.
Yeah! Come on, come on.
Well, we've got all our friends here, and there's cake.
I mean, I know the sex thing didn't work out, but-- Never does.
But maybe we could just get married.
I don't think so.
No.
Okay.
My heart was pounding there for a second, because I'm a gynecologist.
I don't know the first thing about that-- - We know that already.
- Come on.
- Yes.
- Well, you're here.
We've got a crowd.
I've got my equipment.
Why don't we tie up that cooch of yours, huh? Doctor? No, no, no, no, no.
You know what, I'd prefer if you just gave Fred a vasectomy.
I'd love to give that a shot.
ah, baby, you're so tasty-tasty I don't really want to waste it what? baby, let's get hasty-hasty I love it when you shake that what Got some, uh, baskets with money.
Uh, please feel free to contribute whatever you want.
We're just doing what we do and we enjoy it, and, uh, it's all for you and all fun.
- That's all? - And so, uh, tip generously - or don't.
- Good job.
That was so good.