Reno 911! (2003) s06e03 Episode Script
Digging With the Murderer
Pull over, and exit your vehicle With your hands in the air! Pull over, and- Oh, son of a bitch.
He's ditching! He's ditching! Freeze, motherfucker! Goddamn it! I lost him! Talk to me! Talk to me, people.
You have a 20 on him? Man: he's in the back of the house.
He's running through the backyard.
OK, lieutenant, turn right.
Turn right.
This way? That-That way? Stage-My left or my right? Your right.
Stage right! Suspect is entering the property Talk to me! Come on, motherfuckers! You're the one with the fucking view, dumb ass! You got him.
Go! This way? Right here? He's right on the other side of that door.
Go, go, go! Yes or no? Yes or no, dumb ass? Yes, lieutenant.
Gaah! Yeah, who's the fucking dumb ass now? Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it! [Tires screech.]
Come on.
They all have guns! Whoo hoo! Ow! Push them together? Sheriffs department! Off your bike.
Oh! God! [All talking at once.]
Aah! [Siren.]
MTV networks Dangle: good morning, gang.
Oh.
Hey, the-The people who make our new ammunition Um it's coming in from China.
So basically, they've said, be patient with it.
If it don't go, you just shake it out of the gun.
Shake it.
Shake it.
Shake it.
Shake it out of the gun, it'll fall out.
I don't why this would ever come up, But they also said, never, ever, ever Put our new ammunition in your mouth.
Ever.
Williams: Trudy? My bad.
Um as you know, they're removing all the asbestos Out of the station, Which apparently made up 80% to 85% of the infrastructure.
I actually heard the cafeteria trays were made of asbestos.
The trays were also made of asbestos.
Um, they said, within the next 5, 6 days, It'll all be removed, Uh, we can go back to the station, And meanwhile, we'll be operating out of, uh Captain Crabby's shrimp wharf here.
Everybody get their settlement check? Whoo! Yeah.
Not bad, huh? Not bad.
The, uh-The new rape kits are in metric.
That's why we can't figure them out.
Oh no.
They are in metric, so here's the thing- What's in a rape kit? Like, a gag and chloroform? Hey, Bernie.
Thanks.
I just don't mean to interrupt.
Mmm.
We really appreciate you guys being here.
Sure.
If you could just cut out the foul language.
The language.
Sure, sure, sure, absolutely.
And hey, and it's Bernie? Mm-Hmm, Bernie, yeah.
Um did we establish that we are all on separate checks? Yeah, separate checks.
Separate checks.
Great.
Awesome.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks, Bernie.
Mm-Hmm.
Junior: oh, come on.
Come on, man.
Don't make a difference for me.
I'm free.
What-What did you get there, Jack? This is the "bet you can't.
" This is the first of 5 plates.
If you can eat 7 pounds of fried seafood, it's free.
Hey, Jim, smell my fingers.
It smells like vag.
It's just crab.
It smells exactly like vag.
Smells like crab vag.
We are on, uh, special assignment For the state's attorney's office, Uh, picking up convicted serial murderer Calvin Robin Tomlinson.
Uh, I guess he cut some kind of deal With the state's attorney's office.
Uh, if he shows us where the body of his last victim is buried.
I guess he gets a reduced sentence.
[Buzzer.]
Man: prisoners walking! I don't think that's right, I don't, either, but We want to help the family bury their loved one.
So what are you gonna do? Keep both eyes on this psychopath at all times, all right? He's slippery.
I certainly will.
I'm literally slippery.
Don't try to humor me, sir.
Don't engage me.
Don't humor me, and don't engage me, sir.
OK! Ready to go? Shotgun! Heh heh heh! Yes.
Shotgun, seriously.
I would like to ride in the front seat.
No.
Please? No, sir.
You will not ride shotgun in the vehicle.
Take me back.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Mr.
Tomlinson? OK.
If you ride in the front, Will you show us where the body is, Very quickly, please? Yes, I will.
Fine.
You can ride shotgun.
Thank you, mustache.
Don't call me mustache.
Freeze! Sheriff's department! Sir, don't make me do this! [Gunshots.]
Freeze! Freeze! Sir! Damn it! Damn it! He's jacking that car! Don't do that! Don't-Goddamn it.
[Yelling in Italian.]
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Sheriff's department! We need this van! We have to commandeer your vehicle! We have to commandeer this vehicle! Need you to follow that car! Woman: this is exciting.
Pull over! Sheriff's department! Well, it looks like we've been commandeered By the Reno sheriff's department.
Isn't this exciting? Oh! [Speaking Japanese.]
Deputy Rizzo.
Oh! This is exciting.
He knows Japanese.
We are a very multicultural city.
On the left, you'll see our bowling hall of fame.
Yes! I bowled a perfect game one time.
That's exciting! Right here on the right Is where they used to hold divorces.
Before 1950, this was the only place you could really get a divorce.
Right here, this is the mayor's house.
Mayor Hernandez- He was not indicted on those charges, Contrary to popular belief.
Oh, god! If you look- [All screaming.]
Yeah.
Uh-Huh.
How's everybody doing? That was fun, huh? Yeah! Thank you.
Mr.
Tomlinson? The sky is so beautifully This is not a sightseeing trip.
This is not a sightseeing trip.
This is not a trip to Legoland.
We are not going to Legoland today.
Do you understand me? Do you understand me? Yes.
I understand what you're saying.
Are you listening to me? What does that mean, two fingers I mean, look at my eyes.
Is that listening or looking? Because you- You're talking listening, And then you're pointing at your eyes.
Listen and look at me! Your only job today Yes! Is to take you to the body.
Take me to the body.
I completely understand.
North, south, east, west- Where am I going? OK.
One quick pit stop.
I need a delicious frozen slushy fountain beverage, And then we'll go straight to the body.
Oh, hell, no.
No.
One quick stop, Hell and no.
I agree with Williams on this.
Hell and no.
Take me back to jail immediately.
I'm already riding in the back.
Take me back to jail! If I buy you a fountain slushy, You will show us where the body is, correct? I'm finding it difficult to concentrate.
Because of the weapon? No, because your hand, it's touching my shoulder.
$115,000 damage to automobiles.
That's right.
Ran over stop signs.
Sure did.
Broke a storefront window.
Yep.
have whiplash, And we're getting sued by the tour company.
It's a goddamn team.
Work like a team member.
I got the mayor breathing down my throat.
I got the commissioner asking me to take your badge.
Oh, fuck the mayor.
Fuck the commissioner.
No, you know what? Fuck you, Rizzo! Fuck you! Fuck fuck you! Guys.
Guys.
Keep it down? Fuck me? No, fuck you, Rizzo.
Fuck you.
I've been on the street.
I know what it's like.
But you play within the rules.
You bend them, but you don't break them.
You're breaking the goddamn rules.
You're breaking my ass, and I'm sick of it.
I want your badge, And I want your goddamn gun, you understand? OK! I'll give you my glasses, too! And my badge.
Guys? Gonna have to ask you to leave.
OK.
Man, I'm sorry.
Well, just-Where we are usually, we can be loud.
So it's-It's hard to get used to accommodating- Um, could I get that to go? Of course, yes.
Of course.
One false move, I swear You swear what? One false move, Calvin, and I swear OK.
Take me back, because maybe I would like To make a false move now and again.
Enjoy your root beer float! Can I make a false move? Enjoy the float! Enjoy the float.
Here I go.
Nope.
That was a false move, and you were fine, OK? We're fine, and you will get to see the body.
We are fine.
Lift it for me.
Feed me.
Bring it closer.
Angle it.
Too much.
Calvin This is- This is stupid.
Don't deep-throat the straw.
Don't you deep-throat- Is he deep-throating the straw? He is.
It's the only way I know how to drink.
It's not the only way you know how to drink.
Do you have to use the potty? Yes.
You do? Nnn not anymore.
Did you tinkle yourself? A little bit.
Yeah, we're not allowed back in the station For at least, I think, ooh, What is it, like, 6 days While they remove all of the asbestos That apparently made up all the flooring tiles, all of the ceiling tiles.
All of the insulation in the walls also was made of asbestos, Which I-Yeah.
And for two months after they found the asbestos, They gave us little masks mm-Hmm.
Made of fucking asbestos.
We found that out later, that's what they were made out of.
So now that we're all good, Does anything around here look familiar? Are we gonna watch "Cold Mountain" At your house or at your house? What? Please? Seriously? You want to watch "Cold Mountain" first? With the director's commentary.
After we watch "Cold Mountain" on VHS in my home Mm-Hmm.
You will show us where the body is.
And you need to let me deep-throat your pinky.
No, sir.
Deal's off.
Do it.
Do it.
Williams: aww.
No.
No.
Please? OK.
Enough! Now we're gonna watch "Cold Mountain," And then we go to the body, OK? Hit it.
Oh! Well It's better than I remember.
It was long.
But it's a beautiful movie.
It really is.
It is beautiful, and she - Renee Zellweger I've written her so many letters, And I haven't heard back from her.
Just a reminder that Friday is class picture day.
So if you can't actually order pictures, Please come and have your picture taken, anyway, So that we knew you existed.
Um, so let's now welcome officer Declan and deputy Junior.
Uh, before we get started, It's actually sergeant Declan.
I worked, uh, pretty hard for that, and, uh It's just like the same way if someone's a doctor- You call him doctor, not mister.
Oh.
I'm very sorry about that.
Look.
You can go ahead and do it again, quick.
Let's please welcome sergeant Declan To the floor.
We'd like to introduce you to another deputy we have: Ms.
Ladybug! Everybody say, "good morning, ms.
Ladybug.
" Who here likes to be tickled? I know I do.
Yeah.
And who here is under 15 years old? See? So is ms.
Ladybug.
That means that in the state of Nevada, There are places where you can tickle ms.
Ladybug Like right there.
That tickles! And then there are places Where you are not supposed to tickle ms.
Ladybug.
Rape! See? So, when ms.
Ladybug asks, You can tickle ms.
Lady - Rape! Oh, come on.
Rape! Come on.
You saw where I touched her.
You saw-That- You saw where I touched her.
Touched her in the head.
All right.
Sorry.
Sorry, kids.
I'll hold her down.
Rape! Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
[Distorted.]
rape.
Shut up.
Shut up.
[Distorted.]
rape.
[Beeps.]
Any question, kids? Well heh.
Remind me to never get raped.
How's it going? Hi! We saw your ad, terry.
What? Which-Um I don't- The one that you put in where it says that You're giving out blow jobs Under the bleachers at the little league field.
And ask for terry.
Yeah.
That one.
Yeah.
I don't think that that was me.
It was-How did they- How did they spell "terry"? With a capital "t" OK.
"E.
" "E.
Right.
"R.
Right.
"R.
" "R.
" Right.
"Y.
" See? Here's the thing.
I have 4 "r"s in my name now.
So Oh, really? Yeah, so it's a different terry.
I'm just here watching America's pastime.
Hit it! Damn it, we're losing now! You know else is losing? Iraq? OK.
One quick pilates lesson, Then you will show us, yes, Calvin? Yes! Fine.
6.
7.
8.
And we're breathing.
Are you breathing from your core as you do it.
Did you fart? Sorry.
Screw you, grandpa! If you're supposed to be the greatest generation, How come you smell like Jell-O and pee? Now, give me your social security checks So that I can buy alcohol, play the lottery with it.
I need that money for medicine.
Fuck you, grandpa! Give me the fucking money, grandpa! I'm gonna abuse the hell out of you till you do! I'll kill you dead! It's a scene that's all too familiar: Senior abuse.
Every single day, Hundreds of senior citizens are abused In Washoe county.
They're shaken, stabbed, punched, shot, Strangled, and recently, One was tied to the bumper of a van And dragged on a gravel road- All for their social security checks.
Senior abuse is a serious crime, And these social security checks aren't even for that much money.
This is one crime that is not worth the time.
This has been a message from the Reno sheriff's department.
I - I was surprised when he chose to do the remake of "Alfie.
" I thought that was pretty weird He's brilliant in everything he does.
You think so, really? I love Jude Law so much.
I just feel like he's- But in "Cold Mountain," and he needs to make his way back Through the civil war yeah.
I love our friendship.
We're not really friends, Calvin.
I would like to be friends.
Hey, are you just about done over there, Or what's going on? Oh, I finished Oh, for fucks sake, Calvin.
I need a little wipe, though.
All right, you damn convict! Don't try any funny stuff! No one's ever broken out of that cell And gotten away with it alive! Strawberry shortcake.
Shh.
Shh.
He thinks he's in a jail cell.
But we didn't have enough room today Because they're clearing out for asbestos.
It's a whole- It's a whole long story.
Hi, Trude.
How do you spell - Is it "prepetrate" or "perpetrate"? [Whispering.]
he's a convict.
He thinks he's in a jail cell.
Ohh.
Keep it down in there, convict! Keep it down in there, rodent! I don't want to have to tell you again, Or I'll come in there and toss your salad for you.
Opening up cell block number 4, boss! Open up 4! What are you guys doing? He thinks he's in jail.
Oh, OK.
Keep it down in there, convict! Keep it down! Oh, god! Oh, god! Down here! Down here! My cellmate done hung himself! He done hung himself! Keep it down in there, convict! Keep it down.
We ain't falling for that one again.
[High-Pitched voice.]
this is the worst birthday party I ever been to.
Lordy, lordy! [Deep voice.]
look, woman.
I'm tired of your nagging and your nattering.
If you don't leave me alone, There's gonna be hell to pay! Hell, I tell you! Why don't you just go on back, do your work now And leave me and my boy to our own? We can survive on our own out there.
I say we could.
We're keeping an entire negro family? Goddamn it, Calvin.
All day! Goddamn it, man.
We were supposed to have you back 7 hours ago.
You'd better be right about this.
We'd better find a damn body out here.
Oh, I'll be right.
You damn well better be right.
I'm pretty sure I don't think that's good to eat.
That can't be good to eat.
That can't be safe.
What are you doing? We're close.
We're close.
He's fucking with us.
Right here Right here.
Is not the spot.
Goddamn it! I don't need to know what is not the spot, Calvin.
Up.
Power line.
Where's the moon? I remember the moon shining, Glistening on his rotting skin.
OK.
I can still smell OK.
Think hard.
Think back.
The bile.
Think back.
The hole OK.
The digging.
The digging is The sweat.
We're on it.
This is it right here.
Oh! Yeah.
Wow.
Right here? à I've been working on the railroad â à all the live-Long day â à huh, ha â All: â Dinah, won't you blow â à Dinah, won't you blow â à Dinah, won't you blow your horn? à à Dinah, won't you blow â à Dinah, won't you blow â à Dinah, won't you blow your horn? à Can I borrow your cell phone? Don't have mine with me.
Who would you call, anyway, Calvin? [Sigh.]
Well, I got a health compensation check From the sheriff's department for $71 For working in a asbestos-filled station.
And then I spent $87 on seafood this week At captain Crabby's shrimp wharf.
So the way I look at it, that's, like, 90% off.
Love it.
Cha-ching.
Calvin? [Grunt.]
I'm gonna ask you one last time, Are you full of shit? There is nothing here, man.
There is fucking nothing here.
I might have been off.
You might have been off? I swear to fucking god, If you're off, I will fucking kick-Oh, fuck.
That's it.
That's it.
Is that it? Whoops.
That's it.
You found it.
That's it! Goddamn it.
It was right there.
How long has he been down there? We got him, though.
Uh, 81/2 years.
Oh, this is not gonna be- Not gonna be very nice, people.
OK.
Here we go.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick Why are you making ticking sounds? Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I making a ticking sound? No, you very distinctly were making a ticking sound.
Nervous habit.
I won't do it again, I promise.
It's booby-trapped.
I don't know.
No, I know.
It's booby-trapped.
[Ticking.]
Fuck it! You know what? No.
You do it.
Calvin, you do it.
Come to papa.
Watch your eyes, Joe.
[Sobbing.]
I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
Oh! There you are! Don't-Don't- Don't touch it.
Don't touch it.
It's just a body.
It's-Oh! There you are.
Hands up in the air right now! All the way up.
Good.
Now, throw your guns and your car keys in the backpack.
Do it! Doing it.
Doing it.
Doing it.
Now come here.
We got to undo these cuffs.
Set that down.
There's a key in my rectum.
Fish it out.
Fish it! A little left.
Dig in there.
Use your index finger.
Lower.
Good.
Good god, you got it far up there.
Jesus.
OK.
OK.
OK.
Take this scooter out, please, both of you.
Come on.
Let's move.
Jesus fucking Christ, this was organized.
Oh, one last thing: "Cold mountain" sucks, And what you don't know about pilates Could fill a book.
Oh, shit.
What? I have handcuff keys on me.
MTV networks Captioned by the national captioning institute - Www.
Ncicap.
Org- Calvin, right now, what I need you to do Is I need you to tell me where we're going.
You are my divining rod right now, Calvin- That mustache is fake, isn't it? It is not fake.
Let me check.
Ow! Ow! Fuck it.
Hey! Don't tug the 'stache again.
OK? I promise.
When you said you wanted to tug the 'stache, I thought you just wanted to touch it.
I didn't know you were gonna pull on it really hard.
Well, I assumed that, you know, When you say if it's fake And you're gonna check if it's fake, That means a tug.
Well, you tug really hard, Calvin.
He's ditching! He's ditching! Freeze, motherfucker! Goddamn it! I lost him! Talk to me! Talk to me, people.
You have a 20 on him? Man: he's in the back of the house.
He's running through the backyard.
OK, lieutenant, turn right.
Turn right.
This way? That-That way? Stage-My left or my right? Your right.
Stage right! Suspect is entering the property Talk to me! Come on, motherfuckers! You're the one with the fucking view, dumb ass! You got him.
Go! This way? Right here? He's right on the other side of that door.
Go, go, go! Yes or no? Yes or no, dumb ass? Yes, lieutenant.
Gaah! Yeah, who's the fucking dumb ass now? Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it! [Tires screech.]
Come on.
They all have guns! Whoo hoo! Ow! Push them together? Sheriffs department! Off your bike.
Oh! God! [All talking at once.]
Aah! [Siren.]
MTV networks Dangle: good morning, gang.
Oh.
Hey, the-The people who make our new ammunition Um it's coming in from China.
So basically, they've said, be patient with it.
If it don't go, you just shake it out of the gun.
Shake it.
Shake it.
Shake it.
Shake it out of the gun, it'll fall out.
I don't why this would ever come up, But they also said, never, ever, ever Put our new ammunition in your mouth.
Ever.
Williams: Trudy? My bad.
Um as you know, they're removing all the asbestos Out of the station, Which apparently made up 80% to 85% of the infrastructure.
I actually heard the cafeteria trays were made of asbestos.
The trays were also made of asbestos.
Um, they said, within the next 5, 6 days, It'll all be removed, Uh, we can go back to the station, And meanwhile, we'll be operating out of, uh Captain Crabby's shrimp wharf here.
Everybody get their settlement check? Whoo! Yeah.
Not bad, huh? Not bad.
The, uh-The new rape kits are in metric.
That's why we can't figure them out.
Oh no.
They are in metric, so here's the thing- What's in a rape kit? Like, a gag and chloroform? Hey, Bernie.
Thanks.
I just don't mean to interrupt.
Mmm.
We really appreciate you guys being here.
Sure.
If you could just cut out the foul language.
The language.
Sure, sure, sure, absolutely.
And hey, and it's Bernie? Mm-Hmm, Bernie, yeah.
Um did we establish that we are all on separate checks? Yeah, separate checks.
Separate checks.
Great.
Awesome.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks, Bernie.
Mm-Hmm.
Junior: oh, come on.
Come on, man.
Don't make a difference for me.
I'm free.
What-What did you get there, Jack? This is the "bet you can't.
" This is the first of 5 plates.
If you can eat 7 pounds of fried seafood, it's free.
Hey, Jim, smell my fingers.
It smells like vag.
It's just crab.
It smells exactly like vag.
Smells like crab vag.
We are on, uh, special assignment For the state's attorney's office, Uh, picking up convicted serial murderer Calvin Robin Tomlinson.
Uh, I guess he cut some kind of deal With the state's attorney's office.
Uh, if he shows us where the body of his last victim is buried.
I guess he gets a reduced sentence.
[Buzzer.]
Man: prisoners walking! I don't think that's right, I don't, either, but We want to help the family bury their loved one.
So what are you gonna do? Keep both eyes on this psychopath at all times, all right? He's slippery.
I certainly will.
I'm literally slippery.
Don't try to humor me, sir.
Don't engage me.
Don't humor me, and don't engage me, sir.
OK! Ready to go? Shotgun! Heh heh heh! Yes.
Shotgun, seriously.
I would like to ride in the front seat.
No.
Please? No, sir.
You will not ride shotgun in the vehicle.
Take me back.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Mr.
Tomlinson? OK.
If you ride in the front, Will you show us where the body is, Very quickly, please? Yes, I will.
Fine.
You can ride shotgun.
Thank you, mustache.
Don't call me mustache.
Freeze! Sheriff's department! Sir, don't make me do this! [Gunshots.]
Freeze! Freeze! Sir! Damn it! Damn it! He's jacking that car! Don't do that! Don't-Goddamn it.
[Yelling in Italian.]
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Sheriff's department! We need this van! We have to commandeer your vehicle! We have to commandeer this vehicle! Need you to follow that car! Woman: this is exciting.
Pull over! Sheriff's department! Well, it looks like we've been commandeered By the Reno sheriff's department.
Isn't this exciting? Oh! [Speaking Japanese.]
Deputy Rizzo.
Oh! This is exciting.
He knows Japanese.
We are a very multicultural city.
On the left, you'll see our bowling hall of fame.
Yes! I bowled a perfect game one time.
That's exciting! Right here on the right Is where they used to hold divorces.
Before 1950, this was the only place you could really get a divorce.
Right here, this is the mayor's house.
Mayor Hernandez- He was not indicted on those charges, Contrary to popular belief.
Oh, god! If you look- [All screaming.]
Yeah.
Uh-Huh.
How's everybody doing? That was fun, huh? Yeah! Thank you.
Mr.
Tomlinson? The sky is so beautifully This is not a sightseeing trip.
This is not a sightseeing trip.
This is not a trip to Legoland.
We are not going to Legoland today.
Do you understand me? Do you understand me? Yes.
I understand what you're saying.
Are you listening to me? What does that mean, two fingers I mean, look at my eyes.
Is that listening or looking? Because you- You're talking listening, And then you're pointing at your eyes.
Listen and look at me! Your only job today Yes! Is to take you to the body.
Take me to the body.
I completely understand.
North, south, east, west- Where am I going? OK.
One quick pit stop.
I need a delicious frozen slushy fountain beverage, And then we'll go straight to the body.
Oh, hell, no.
No.
One quick stop, Hell and no.
I agree with Williams on this.
Hell and no.
Take me back to jail immediately.
I'm already riding in the back.
Take me back to jail! If I buy you a fountain slushy, You will show us where the body is, correct? I'm finding it difficult to concentrate.
Because of the weapon? No, because your hand, it's touching my shoulder.
$115,000 damage to automobiles.
That's right.
Ran over stop signs.
Sure did.
Broke a storefront window.
Yep.
have whiplash, And we're getting sued by the tour company.
It's a goddamn team.
Work like a team member.
I got the mayor breathing down my throat.
I got the commissioner asking me to take your badge.
Oh, fuck the mayor.
Fuck the commissioner.
No, you know what? Fuck you, Rizzo! Fuck you! Fuck fuck you! Guys.
Guys.
Keep it down? Fuck me? No, fuck you, Rizzo.
Fuck you.
I've been on the street.
I know what it's like.
But you play within the rules.
You bend them, but you don't break them.
You're breaking the goddamn rules.
You're breaking my ass, and I'm sick of it.
I want your badge, And I want your goddamn gun, you understand? OK! I'll give you my glasses, too! And my badge.
Guys? Gonna have to ask you to leave.
OK.
Man, I'm sorry.
Well, just-Where we are usually, we can be loud.
So it's-It's hard to get used to accommodating- Um, could I get that to go? Of course, yes.
Of course.
One false move, I swear You swear what? One false move, Calvin, and I swear OK.
Take me back, because maybe I would like To make a false move now and again.
Enjoy your root beer float! Can I make a false move? Enjoy the float! Enjoy the float.
Here I go.
Nope.
That was a false move, and you were fine, OK? We're fine, and you will get to see the body.
We are fine.
Lift it for me.
Feed me.
Bring it closer.
Angle it.
Too much.
Calvin This is- This is stupid.
Don't deep-throat the straw.
Don't you deep-throat- Is he deep-throating the straw? He is.
It's the only way I know how to drink.
It's not the only way you know how to drink.
Do you have to use the potty? Yes.
You do? Nnn not anymore.
Did you tinkle yourself? A little bit.
Yeah, we're not allowed back in the station For at least, I think, ooh, What is it, like, 6 days While they remove all of the asbestos That apparently made up all the flooring tiles, all of the ceiling tiles.
All of the insulation in the walls also was made of asbestos, Which I-Yeah.
And for two months after they found the asbestos, They gave us little masks mm-Hmm.
Made of fucking asbestos.
We found that out later, that's what they were made out of.
So now that we're all good, Does anything around here look familiar? Are we gonna watch "Cold Mountain" At your house or at your house? What? Please? Seriously? You want to watch "Cold Mountain" first? With the director's commentary.
After we watch "Cold Mountain" on VHS in my home Mm-Hmm.
You will show us where the body is.
And you need to let me deep-throat your pinky.
No, sir.
Deal's off.
Do it.
Do it.
Williams: aww.
No.
No.
Please? OK.
Enough! Now we're gonna watch "Cold Mountain," And then we go to the body, OK? Hit it.
Oh! Well It's better than I remember.
It was long.
But it's a beautiful movie.
It really is.
It is beautiful, and she - Renee Zellweger I've written her so many letters, And I haven't heard back from her.
Just a reminder that Friday is class picture day.
So if you can't actually order pictures, Please come and have your picture taken, anyway, So that we knew you existed.
Um, so let's now welcome officer Declan and deputy Junior.
Uh, before we get started, It's actually sergeant Declan.
I worked, uh, pretty hard for that, and, uh It's just like the same way if someone's a doctor- You call him doctor, not mister.
Oh.
I'm very sorry about that.
Look.
You can go ahead and do it again, quick.
Let's please welcome sergeant Declan To the floor.
We'd like to introduce you to another deputy we have: Ms.
Ladybug! Everybody say, "good morning, ms.
Ladybug.
" Who here likes to be tickled? I know I do.
Yeah.
And who here is under 15 years old? See? So is ms.
Ladybug.
That means that in the state of Nevada, There are places where you can tickle ms.
Ladybug Like right there.
That tickles! And then there are places Where you are not supposed to tickle ms.
Ladybug.
Rape! See? So, when ms.
Ladybug asks, You can tickle ms.
Lady - Rape! Oh, come on.
Rape! Come on.
You saw where I touched her.
You saw-That- You saw where I touched her.
Touched her in the head.
All right.
Sorry.
Sorry, kids.
I'll hold her down.
Rape! Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
[Distorted.]
rape.
Shut up.
Shut up.
[Distorted.]
rape.
[Beeps.]
Any question, kids? Well heh.
Remind me to never get raped.
How's it going? Hi! We saw your ad, terry.
What? Which-Um I don't- The one that you put in where it says that You're giving out blow jobs Under the bleachers at the little league field.
And ask for terry.
Yeah.
That one.
Yeah.
I don't think that that was me.
It was-How did they- How did they spell "terry"? With a capital "t" OK.
"E.
" "E.
Right.
"R.
Right.
"R.
" "R.
" Right.
"Y.
" See? Here's the thing.
I have 4 "r"s in my name now.
So Oh, really? Yeah, so it's a different terry.
I'm just here watching America's pastime.
Hit it! Damn it, we're losing now! You know else is losing? Iraq? OK.
One quick pilates lesson, Then you will show us, yes, Calvin? Yes! Fine.
6.
7.
8.
And we're breathing.
Are you breathing from your core as you do it.
Did you fart? Sorry.
Screw you, grandpa! If you're supposed to be the greatest generation, How come you smell like Jell-O and pee? Now, give me your social security checks So that I can buy alcohol, play the lottery with it.
I need that money for medicine.
Fuck you, grandpa! Give me the fucking money, grandpa! I'm gonna abuse the hell out of you till you do! I'll kill you dead! It's a scene that's all too familiar: Senior abuse.
Every single day, Hundreds of senior citizens are abused In Washoe county.
They're shaken, stabbed, punched, shot, Strangled, and recently, One was tied to the bumper of a van And dragged on a gravel road- All for their social security checks.
Senior abuse is a serious crime, And these social security checks aren't even for that much money.
This is one crime that is not worth the time.
This has been a message from the Reno sheriff's department.
I - I was surprised when he chose to do the remake of "Alfie.
" I thought that was pretty weird He's brilliant in everything he does.
You think so, really? I love Jude Law so much.
I just feel like he's- But in "Cold Mountain," and he needs to make his way back Through the civil war yeah.
I love our friendship.
We're not really friends, Calvin.
I would like to be friends.
Hey, are you just about done over there, Or what's going on? Oh, I finished Oh, for fucks sake, Calvin.
I need a little wipe, though.
All right, you damn convict! Don't try any funny stuff! No one's ever broken out of that cell And gotten away with it alive! Strawberry shortcake.
Shh.
Shh.
He thinks he's in a jail cell.
But we didn't have enough room today Because they're clearing out for asbestos.
It's a whole- It's a whole long story.
Hi, Trude.
How do you spell - Is it "prepetrate" or "perpetrate"? [Whispering.]
he's a convict.
He thinks he's in a jail cell.
Ohh.
Keep it down in there, convict! Keep it down in there, rodent! I don't want to have to tell you again, Or I'll come in there and toss your salad for you.
Opening up cell block number 4, boss! Open up 4! What are you guys doing? He thinks he's in jail.
Oh, OK.
Keep it down in there, convict! Keep it down! Oh, god! Oh, god! Down here! Down here! My cellmate done hung himself! He done hung himself! Keep it down in there, convict! Keep it down.
We ain't falling for that one again.
[High-Pitched voice.]
this is the worst birthday party I ever been to.
Lordy, lordy! [Deep voice.]
look, woman.
I'm tired of your nagging and your nattering.
If you don't leave me alone, There's gonna be hell to pay! Hell, I tell you! Why don't you just go on back, do your work now And leave me and my boy to our own? We can survive on our own out there.
I say we could.
We're keeping an entire negro family? Goddamn it, Calvin.
All day! Goddamn it, man.
We were supposed to have you back 7 hours ago.
You'd better be right about this.
We'd better find a damn body out here.
Oh, I'll be right.
You damn well better be right.
I'm pretty sure I don't think that's good to eat.
That can't be good to eat.
That can't be safe.
What are you doing? We're close.
We're close.
He's fucking with us.
Right here Right here.
Is not the spot.
Goddamn it! I don't need to know what is not the spot, Calvin.
Up.
Power line.
Where's the moon? I remember the moon shining, Glistening on his rotting skin.
OK.
I can still smell OK.
Think hard.
Think back.
The bile.
Think back.
The hole OK.
The digging.
The digging is The sweat.
We're on it.
This is it right here.
Oh! Yeah.
Wow.
Right here? à I've been working on the railroad â à all the live-Long day â à huh, ha â All: â Dinah, won't you blow â à Dinah, won't you blow â à Dinah, won't you blow your horn? à à Dinah, won't you blow â à Dinah, won't you blow â à Dinah, won't you blow your horn? à Can I borrow your cell phone? Don't have mine with me.
Who would you call, anyway, Calvin? [Sigh.]
Well, I got a health compensation check From the sheriff's department for $71 For working in a asbestos-filled station.
And then I spent $87 on seafood this week At captain Crabby's shrimp wharf.
So the way I look at it, that's, like, 90% off.
Love it.
Cha-ching.
Calvin? [Grunt.]
I'm gonna ask you one last time, Are you full of shit? There is nothing here, man.
There is fucking nothing here.
I might have been off.
You might have been off? I swear to fucking god, If you're off, I will fucking kick-Oh, fuck.
That's it.
That's it.
Is that it? Whoops.
That's it.
You found it.
That's it! Goddamn it.
It was right there.
How long has he been down there? We got him, though.
Uh, 81/2 years.
Oh, this is not gonna be- Not gonna be very nice, people.
OK.
Here we go.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick Why are you making ticking sounds? Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I making a ticking sound? No, you very distinctly were making a ticking sound.
Nervous habit.
I won't do it again, I promise.
It's booby-trapped.
I don't know.
No, I know.
It's booby-trapped.
[Ticking.]
Fuck it! You know what? No.
You do it.
Calvin, you do it.
Come to papa.
Watch your eyes, Joe.
[Sobbing.]
I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
Oh! There you are! Don't-Don't- Don't touch it.
Don't touch it.
It's just a body.
It's-Oh! There you are.
Hands up in the air right now! All the way up.
Good.
Now, throw your guns and your car keys in the backpack.
Do it! Doing it.
Doing it.
Doing it.
Now come here.
We got to undo these cuffs.
Set that down.
There's a key in my rectum.
Fish it out.
Fish it! A little left.
Dig in there.
Use your index finger.
Lower.
Good.
Good god, you got it far up there.
Jesus.
OK.
OK.
OK.
Take this scooter out, please, both of you.
Come on.
Let's move.
Jesus fucking Christ, this was organized.
Oh, one last thing: "Cold mountain" sucks, And what you don't know about pilates Could fill a book.
Oh, shit.
What? I have handcuff keys on me.
MTV networks Captioned by the national captioning institute - Www.
Ncicap.
Org- Calvin, right now, what I need you to do Is I need you to tell me where we're going.
You are my divining rod right now, Calvin- That mustache is fake, isn't it? It is not fake.
Let me check.
Ow! Ow! Fuck it.
Hey! Don't tug the 'stache again.
OK? I promise.
When you said you wanted to tug the 'stache, I thought you just wanted to touch it.
I didn't know you were gonna pull on it really hard.
Well, I assumed that, you know, When you say if it's fake And you're gonna check if it's fake, That means a tug.
Well, you tug really hard, Calvin.