Rick and Morty (2013) s06e03 Episode Script

1
Oh, my God, I cannot
fucking believe this!
Here we fucking go!
Oh! Jeez!
Pardon the interruption.
We are once again in the federal clear.
Rick, what the hell?! A-Are
you a Turkey Dracula now?
Morty, is that a Pooplickian GamePod?
Actually it's the GamePod XL.
They say it's the most realistic
video game console ever.
- I never got you that.
- Space Mom did.
She's in for the holiday
weekend, remember?
Shit, in that case, let's go,
let's get out of here
I heard you smack the glass, Dad.
- If you bail, I'll disown you!
- Yeah,
I'd say don't hop through a portal.
But, oh, wait, you can't.
Look at it this way, Morty.
Life is a subscription,
and Thanksgiving is your
family's yearly charge.
Wow, Dad, good job.
Rick, put some pants on.
Today has so few rules.
Yes, Patriarch.
Ding ding ding!
I'd like to make a toast.
Today is a day for thanks.
And for family.
And for remembering all
of those that have less.
- Okay, pick a scope.
- Pick a scope?
Can we please have a
normal Thanksgiving?
Well, seems like all
the ones I remember.
Good point.
Baby, you It's a toast.
- Sorry!
- Sorry!
Anyway, I'm thankful for my wife.
Beth. The Beth that chose me.
I'm so grateful to you,
and I literally could
not live without you.
- Aw!
- Aw! Aw!
I really mean that. If something
were to happen to you,
or if you were to leave
me, or be unfaithful,
- I would die.
- Mm! Uh
Literally. Probably by my own hand.
- Eww.
- Okay.
I know how I'd do it.
Our first blender has an extra long cord
and it was manufactured
before safety fuses,
so I'd draw a warm bath
And blend some stuff. Good toast, honey.
To thankfulness.
To A-America?
To ending the toast?
To ending the toast!
Just to, uh, be clear,
I was saying I'd kill myself.
- Jerry. God!
- We know!
Sorry Jerry got all husbandy.
Yeah, do not miss that.
So I was thinking we could set
you up in Jerry's man cave?
Oh, that's okay, I'll sleep in my car.
It's got a TARDIS thing going
on, bigger on the inside.
Dad calls it hack, but my
soaking tub begs to differ.
Hmm, maybe I'll trade you. Ohh!
Agh! My lower back.
Oh, I got this.
Ah, Jesus, that was great.
Well, you're me.
I find this is usually the biggest help.
Mmm, oh, I just love
the Venusian stuff.
It's cool, I get insecure trying
to pronounce this crap, too,
but I got just the thing for that.
Here.
Um
Okay, shoot that asteroid.
Now shoot that one.
Now shoot me in the face.
This game's trash.
I didn't want to say anything,
but this does seem lame.
Yeah, I thought it was
maybe 'cause we've shot
so many real asteroids.
L-Let's look at the menu.
- Oh! T-There's the realism setting.
- Oh, cool.
Also stupid. The factory setting is 4?
- What do we want, 10?
- No, do 9. I'm kidding.
- Shut up, Summer.
- Yeah, shut up, Summer.
Put 10.
- This is the same.
- It's worse. It's
Oh. Oh. I get it. Okay.
It's It's more real.
The vast majority of space is empty.
What? Who cares? T-Then what am I doing?
Looks like you can record a video
for your kid in case you die.
Not a bad idea, you're gonna
be in space for a while.
May as well. Um, hey, son. Uh
If you're seeing this,
I starved to death while
looking for an asteroid.
Ugh. This is stupid.
You guys are obviously just trying
to convince yourselves it's cool
because you feel lame about it.
Summer you know nothing
about gamer culture.
Bro, tell your son you
love the shit out of him.
Oh, I'm gonna!
Of course we both can't
sleep at the same time.
Yeah, we do share a shitty back.
- Turn around. At least let me
- Yes, please.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I know we're not massage
people, but you need this.
See, you act like this
badass space cowboy,
but I know you're just a
scared little overachiever
that keeps all her OCD right
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.
By the way you better be
taking notes I'm next.
It's my back, you dumb bitch.
Nice.
What?
Well, I better get back to bed.
Yep. Same.
Oh, so now you're into
highly realistic video games?
Maybe I decided real life
was too much right now,
or maybe I'm not afraid to
change my mind about stuff.
Maybe mental flexibility is
stronger than stubbornness.
Nice manip', Sum-Sum.
Okay, I-I'm in the alley
behind the library.
- Uptown or downtown?
- Shit, there's one uptown, too?
It's okay, stay there,
I think I'm near the red line.
Is this "Street Fighter"?
"Street Fighter" where
you start at the beginning
of each fighter's day and have
to find each other to fight.
It's very realistic.
Not even guaranteed a fight will happen.
That meter filling up is us forgetting
what made us so mad.
If anyone's interested in
a higher level of realism,
I'm booting up the OG
that's Original Game, called
a jigsaw puzzle in the den.
Hey, gang!
Me and my space self
are gonna make a run
to the Gloppy Drop System for ice cream.
- Any flavor requests?
- Vanilla!
Why do you guys have to go
all the way to deep space
just for ice cream?
Gloppy Dropulites have less
taste buds than humans.
Their ice cream is like a hospital bed.
It's designed for you to
do less so it does more.
Okay, see ya in a bit.
I'll get started sorting
all the obvious sky pieces.
Secret technique.
- Oh, shit, there you are!
- Oh, fuck, it's on, bitch!
- I'm gonna eat your ass!
- You will die in the street
like a dog!
Stunning.
Thank you. This is incredible.
Eh. Just glad I had
something in your size.
How far is Gloppy Drop?
And why do I always think
I'm wearing a watch?
I actually have a pint of Gloppy Drop
on a little apartment orbiting Earth.
So we have time.
You have your own space station?
We have our own space station.
- We're the same person.
- There's differences.
Like, one of us has no
idea who she really is.
Wrong. But let's make a deal.
Let's trust ourselves enough
to stop wondering
who we are when we're together.
We get to say anything to each other.
Things we'd never say to
anyone else, even ourselves.
What don't we say to ourselves?
How about, "Wow, my ass looks
good in that space suit"?
I mean it. I'm a good-looking woman.
Well, that's nice of you to say.
I also find myself
quite attractive.
We forgot the ice cream.
I want you back in my guts
like I'm one of your
sick little fillies.
Oh, God damn it, Morty!
You can't just take my controller.
Yes, I can! It's mine!
- Ugh. Okay, Sum-Sum, gimme.
- Make your own controller,
some of us need all
the control we can get.
Ugh, fuck you!
So why are you so suddenly
into realistic video games?
I already was.
Yeah, but now you're
into them the way I am.
You mean, like staring at
them in a numb trance?
Uh-huh. Not judging, just noticing.
Yeah, y-you tend to notice
stuff a little before I do.
But eventually you do notice.
And now we can both not
notice together, yes.
Oh, my God Beth!
I thought you said you got ice cream?
Yeah, I, uh It must be in the, uh
Oh, the car! We left it in the car.
Okay, good, because that
would have been weird!
I worry things might become
more and more noticeable.
Yeah, and if he kills himself,
we're gonna have to get a new dad.
Jesus Christ, Summer!
Hey, Dad.
Um, hmm, what's this?
Making a controller.
This species of bionic space
whale has carbon wiring,
great for smooth gameplay.
I'm not killing it, for the record.
I'm just replacing its esophagus
with a better one.
For free. I-It should thank me.
And it will, with its mind.
These things are telepathic, Beth.
They talk to you in dreams.
Does your replicator
thing make ice cream
from the Gloppy Drop system?
Why would you want replicated
Gloppy Drop ice cream, poser?
Crazy thing. I went with
Space Beth to get some,
and we had such a great time
we forgot the ice cream!
- Crazy, right?
- That's a real question?
M-Maybe?
Come here, hold the pup down.
You're talking about an infinite father.
I've met myself out
there infinite times.
Infinite shit happens.
Including, as you put it,
forgetting the ice cream.
You've forgotten the ice cream?
Drill me for details when I'm drunker.
In the meantime, don't
worry about what's crazy.
You know, as the kids say, you do you.
Oh, thanks. Thank you so much, Dad.
One thing to keep in mind, though.
It's not just your own ice
cream you're forgetting.
It's your family's.
If you forget it too much, you
start having to keep secrets.
Oh, and you're against secrets?
Against? Hell no. Secrets are great.
For instance, I've had a
pint of vanilla Gloppy Drop
in my fridge this whole time.
Take it. I'm just saying, lies pile up.
Like credit card debt.
You retain an advantage
by staying liquid.
Gotcha. Well
I'd call this a simple cash transaction.
Fun and done.
Favorite Culkin.
- Kieran!
- Kieran!
Favorite song by Britney.
- "Work Bitch"!
- "Work Bitch"!
Favorite hangover cure.
- Hair of the dog with a guilty pleasure
- Hair of the dog with a guilty pleasure
- like "Humans Weekly."
- like "Us Weekly."
I told Dad.
I mean, I didn't have to. He knew.
I guess that's one reason
you didn't have to tell him.
What'd he say?
We kind of talked in code,
I think he said it's fine
until it makes us feel
indebted to our lessers.
That sounds like Dad.
Do we owe the family an explanation?
Do we have to spend our time together
figuring out how to please others?
I'm married.
We both are, but I'm in our marriage.
It's the defining difference between us.
Well, there's no rule book
that says you have to be.
What's gonna happen?
What is this? Are we in love
with ourself?
I mean, does that make us the most
or the least healthy
woman in the universe?
Anybody ever tell you
you're overly analytical?
Which I do love.
If that's what you need to call it.
I don't need to call it anything.
I would like to know its shelf life.
I might know a way to gather that data.
- Motel room!
- The Holodeck!
I like yours better.
Hmm Uh
Beth! Uh, m-my Beth!
Well, not "my" Beth, but I finished!
It's done!
Kids, do you know where your moms are?
Oh, you're busy with your GamePod.
Don't worry about it,
I'll find those two somewhere.
No! No, Dad, um, come
play video games with us!
Okay, Dad, here's the
infinite menu screen.
Oh, I dunno.
Here, here, I-I'll have the
console choose a game!
Um, maybe let's skip this one?
Really? Why? Looks fun!
Oh, okay, so we are a
woman married to a man,
but having a sexual affair
with another woman!
Very spicy.
Very spicy, Jer. G-Good job.
Looks pretty single player, kids?
Seriously, you two?!
What the hell did you
do in my Holodeck?!
Holy shit, you you did a
full "San Junipero" in here?
Oh, my God, Beth, there's masturbating
and then there's masturbating.
- Ew, Dad, stop, I'm sorry!
- You'd know, old man.
Argh! Look, this isn't my business,
and by all means, enjoy being
sapphic horse girls together.
But you suck at doing it secretly.
- We all know.
- Including Jerry?!
No, Dad's so in the dark that
he's enjoying a video game
about being in an affair right now.
If you guys are doing this,
you got to tell him!
Okay, little man, back off.
- Take it easy. They're right.
- Right about what,
that we have to be twice as considerate
and twice as repressed
because some dick split us in two?
This is the shit I left.
This isn't. This is me.
This is the me that doesn't
tell you all to fuck off.
So allow me. Fuck off.
She'll tell her husband what she
wants when she feels like it.
And you can deal with it
or you can deal with me.
But you should know I have
all the Predator weapons.
- Works for me.
- That's cool.
- Fair enough.
- I guess it's time for ice cream.
Come on, kids, you're
inhaling this stuff.
Your Moms went to space.
Did you even thank them for doing it?
Thanks for doing it, Moms.
Very selfless of you.
Eat your ice cream however you want.
Nothing good lasts forever.
Okay, come on, it's Thanksgiving.
The least we can do is speak English.
Jerry, I had sex with your wife.
Or I'm your wife and had sex
with the clone you sleep with.
Your pick. We had sex. We loved it.
Beth Sanchez sure is something, huh?
I think I'll ask her to prom.
Jerry, for your own sake,
stay away from Beth Sanchez.
Worst case, she says "no."
No, Jerry. Worst case she says "yes."
She's too much woman for you.
Yeah, maybe she'd find your
simple naiveté endearing,
but she's intense.
Sooner or later, she'd tear you apart.
I'd be lucky to be torn
apart by Beth Sanchez.
- Aah!
- What the fuck?!
Dad's a bug! Dad rolled into a bug!
Oh, yeah. Sh Forgot I installed that.
Why does Jerry have a Pill Bug Protocol?
It's an emotional defense system.
I got drunk with Jerry one night
and he said it's what he
wanted most in the world.
Don't blame me, I wanted tattoos.
Anyway, he's in perfect health in there
and he can unroll when he chooses to,
but can also stay in metabolic
hibernation pretty much indefinitely.
It's a cool power to have,
like if you have to fly coach
or if Summer asks you what you
thought of "Wonder Woman 1984."
- How do we undo it?
- Only he can.
That's the point. It's total safety.
Even I can't reverse it.
If you try to pry him
out and hit a nerve,
he'll literally turn into a Shrek.
In his own sad way, he's taken control.
This is classic Jerry.
He'd rather be a bug
than have a conversation.
Oh, have you heard the way
you start conversations?
You ladies discuss responsibility
while I get stoned and play
video games with your kids.
- Fuck! More forest!
- L-Look around!
Try heading north.
- Oh, shit.
- Wait, what the fuck?
Um, maybe keep heading north?
- Ew, what the hell?
- Oh, God,
w-what happens in the shadows?
Jerry, sweetie, if you can
hear me, please unroll.
He doesn't want to.
It's a little late to worry
about what he wants.
Jesus, Beth, don't fall for this.
This isn't love, it's a tantrum.
Yeah, but his tantrum
is self-destructive.
Yours is destructive.
Maybe that's why I'm
the one that loves him.
He worries. He wants to do right.
He's ashamed when he fails.
Aren't those things you love about me?
You want me to be like him?
You want me to propose?
Threaten to kill myself?
No. I love you the way you are.
And I did it forever in a video game.
But in life, things go wrong.
Things stop working.
I-I like to fix those things,
and when I can't,
I'm pretty useless.
Like my husband.
I don't get it. You're the house
wife and I'm the space lady,
but you're the one that chewed
me up and spit me out.
I don't want to just forget about you.
Me neither. It's a problem.
But we know someone
that owes us a solution.
Oh, shit, we're out of the forest.
- We found a clearing.
- Go check it out!
Go check out the clearing!
Vampires?! Oh, come on!
That's not realistic!
Morty, it's obviously set in a world
- where vampires hunt in clearings.
- How did you
I'm working with the
same information you are!
- Ow!
- No more screen time
until your homework's done, Dad.
- What did that mean?
- We refuse to care.
Damn. You really came of
age this Thanksgiving.
How old are we?
We've had a million Thanksgivings.
Can I explain how irrational this is?
Asked the guy that cloned his daughter.
- Will I ever live that down?
- No.
You guys are having me
"Eternal Sunshine"
all the "Multiplicity" porn
scenes from your minds?
- Yep. Basically.
- Sounds right.
Meanwhile, everyone around you
your father, your cuckhold husband,
your jaded children will just happily
and silently bear the burden
because it's more practical
for them than the truth
and you don't care because
it won't be your problem?
Solid repipe, Dad.
It's like he has a lifetime of
experience as a selfish ass.
When this fails and the two
of you fall in love again
and you attack me for
taking part in this,
I'm gonna lie and say I tried
to talk you out of it for hours.
In truth, I don't care.
- Three, two
- Oh, for God's sakes,
all of you, grow up.
- Jerry! You unrolled!
- What the hell?!
Ooh, plot twist, Deus Ex Husbanda.
Oh, don't lobotomize
yourselves for my comfort.
I may be a man, but I'm also a baby,
and babies don't take responsibility
for other people's suffering.
I should never have said
I'd kill myself if you left me.
It's not true. All I'd do
is pack my shit and cry
while I look for a job
on Starbucks Wi-Fi.
And that's what I'm gonna do.
So the two of you can
get clone lesbian married
by a robot and finger
yourselves on the moon
while laughing in Martian French
about my weird little dick!
Jerry, wait!
Jerry, don't leave angry.
Should I float out on a lotus leaf?
I have to be twice as confident
because my wife cheated
on me with herself?
It's not even cheating.
Oh, you here to help? You suck.
You don't even know which
one is your real wife.
If it's me, have you been
cheating with a clone?
I'm not the clone, but she has a point.
Oh, what a provocative conversation
it would've been great to have
before the two of you
and I am counting two
gave each other unfairly expert orgasms
while mocking my weird little dick!
Jerry, you're the only one who
keeps saying "weird" and "little."
Well, you've both seen it!
And you've both seen each other,
and now you want to
tell me all about it,
but it's a little late.
Oh, my God.
You're not mad that it was about you.
You're mad that it wasn't.
He wanted to permit our love.
Okay, it's not "Handmaid's Tale"
to loop in your husband.
I agree, for the record.
We made a mistake.
Oh, because we should've noticed
ourselves losing control
and gone to Sexmaster Jerry and
said, "Oh, pretty please, Jerry,
- can I make out with myself?"
- Yes, you may.
Yeah, see. Not so hot when it's
aboveboard, home-wreckers.
Oh, so we won't enjoy this?
Well, hold on, hold on, this is weird.
Weird and permitted.
- Wait, you like this?
- Who cares what he likes.
- I do.
- I might like it.
And if she likes it, I permit it.
- You little pervert.
- You like a little pervert.
I like humiliating a little pervert.
I approve. Carry on.
I'm freaked out by how hot this is.
Am I permitted to do this?
Until further notice.
- I love it.
- Then it's permitted from now on.
Oh, because you like whatever she likes.
Because you're a worm.
I will allow that assessment.
- Pass the salt?
- I don't care what you allow.
- Damn it!
- What do you allow?
I allow this.
Well, then it's required.
I approve the requirement.
- You get over there.
- Good idea.
Oh, wow. Okay.
- Uh, Honey?
- I'm fine if you are.
- You're never fine, shut up.
- Okay, but Whoa! Okay.
- This is not how I pictured this, but
- I have zero complaints so far.
Because I know what you want.
I do not disagree with that.
Can I make a pitch? What if we
Are you serious?
Hey, is is this making fun of me?
- Well, is that bad?
- I'll allow it.
Jesus Christ, you need to
fix the portal gun, Rick!
Morty, you asking makes
me want to do it less.
Okay, uh, Thanksgiving!
L-L-Let's talk about Thanksgiving!
Who's thankful for what?
Go, Summer, y-you first.
Um, I guess I'm thankful,
for like, water?
Perfect! Wonderful!
Morty, w-what about you?
F-F-Fucking Are you
fucking kidding me?
Why? Why? Discovery Channel!
Discovery Channel, why?!
Okay. Just eat your food.
Ea-Ea Everyone eat the food.
Sorry, I'm Is this? Ooh!
Well, bye, kids!
I'll keep an eye out for
my grandkid in space.
Your what? Oh, right. "Naruto."
Thanks for visiting, Space Beth.
Well, seems like we all learned
a little lesson this weekend!
At least, I know I did.
Me, too, Jerry. Me, too.
Hello there, Jerry!
How can I help you today?
Howdy! Yeah, just,
uh just here to hang!
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
You can't come here by yourself.
Why not? It's just me in there!
Well, not that this is
something you'd do,
but sometimes we have Jerries come here
and try to touch other Jerries.
Oh, no, that's that's not good.
Uh, well, see you later!
Okay. Thank you.